Tips For Finding Love And Acceptance In The Trans Community. Starting With The Men.
What makes Jaycee so freaking awesome? We think we know. So will you when you listen to our funny romp across her daily life, her recent romantic experiences, what she wants to be when she grows up and how the powers that be are helping make that happen. It gets real in this episode as the sordid details come-a-flying.
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No shit.
Cool.
The infant kind. No, I’m not talking about you birthing a child. I’m talking about the baby you’re bathing.
Here: I’ll explain.
We all desire connection. One connection we most want, particularly as adults, is romantic connection. If you’re a transwoman, or a Transamorous Man, you, more than most really desire that kind of connection. As much as you may think you’re the independent sort, can do it on your own (men) or don’t need a man to validate you (women), if a transwoman (for the men) or a great guy (for transwomen) showed up today and asked you out, I highly doubt you would say no.
Both Transamorous Men and Transwomen therefore have a desire for what every person on the planet wants. So why are you having such a hard time at finding it? Probably because of your baby.
You see, when you’re complaining that there are no guys out there who will treat you right, you’re unlikely to find those that will. If you say to yourself, “there are no transwomen in my area” it’s really difficult to find one in your area. The more intensely you think these kinds of thoughts, the more opaque go your lenses. It gets to the point where there’s no way you can’t see anything but the reality consistent with your thoughts.
I talked recently with a transwoman who was a guest on our Podcast. Anyway, she had this to say about the pool of men out there who are “admirers” and how they treat transwomen:
…we are kept as secret “discreet” hidden fetish fucks by the majority of admirers who hugged on to hetero-mono-normative relationships while getting into the desserts while no one is looking…How they dehumanize us all while admiring us.
It’s certainly NOT “admiring” when a guy treats a transwoman this way. Not by my definition. And while speaker did acknowledge backhandedly that there are a few “admirers” who won’t treat her that way (did you catch that?), the majority is what she’s focusing on. This is what I’m talking about. Before she said this, she asked:
So are you asking for a trans-woman to go to your show and speak of rainbows and butterflies in how men date trans women?
If you’re wanting to meet a member of the minority who will treat you with dignity, then yes, I am asking not just our podcast hosts, but every transwoman who sincerely wants to have a real, lasting relationship with a great guy, focusing on “rainbows and butterflies.” Sounds counterintuitive, but this is the path to your joy and happiness, romance and a new life. You don’t have to do so if you’re a guest on our podcast, but you certainly must if you’re wanting a real-life connection.
If you’re thinking “all men” treat you a certain way, or there are “no men” out there who want you, or, that there are “no transwomen” in your area, then you’re throwing out the baby with the bath water. You don’t need “all men”. You just want one, or some number if you’re poly-oriented, or “non-hetero-mono-normative”. You don’t need every transwoman, you just need one. Focusing on the majority is focusing on the bath water. While you throw all those men out, you’re throwing out the baby too.
So I ask: where’s your baby?
This one’s really short.
If you’re out there hanging with guys known as “admirers”, and those guys treat you as…
“…secret “discreet” hidden fetish fucks by the majority of admirers who hugged on to hetero-mono-normative relationships while getting into the desserts while no one is looking…”
Then you really should question your definition of “admirer.” Here I’ll help:
ad·mir·er (ədˈmī(ə)rər/) noun: someone who has a particular regard for someone or something
re·gard (rəˈɡärd/) noun: 1. attention to or concern for something. “the court must have regard to the principle of welfare” consideration, care, concern. 2. best wishes.
If a a person treats you like shit, they’re not an “admirer”. They’re something else. If you want to find someone who will have a particular regard for you, who will admire you, you might want to change a few stories, stories creating situations where you’re willing to put up with being treated like shit.
As though you have no other alternative (news flash: You do have other alternatives!)
Why do so many miss this obvious fact? Wait. Don’t answer. I already know. The question is: do you really know?
Beautiful case in point. This article tells Tracey “Africa” Norman’s remarkable story as the first transgender BLACK model. It’s a great read. The way Tracey tells it, she had a much less difficult life as a female presenting male than the stories I see and hear about. When she finally aligned her reality with what she knew inside, her intuition had her finding work among some of the most successful black models in the world.
That didn’t last. Once the industry found out – as was often the case – all doors closed. Still. Late in the story we discover how trans black icons today only recently discovered Tracey. But here’s the point: one of these people’s lives, Laverne Cox, includes this seemingly “bizarre” juxtaposition of events, which, really just are examples of how connected we all are in this world.
Tracey had modeled “multiple times” according to the article for Essence magazine right up until around the 80s. That’s when her secret got out. Her secret got out just as she was shooting her first Essence cover. She never got the cover and except some modeling opportunities overseas, Tracey’s modeling career ended abruptly.
Fast forward to 2014. Laverne Cox on her first cover shoot for Essence is tearing up thinking about Tracey and the trail she blazed, seemingly specially for Cox.
“I was like, ‘Oh my god, I’m doing a cover shoot for Essence and this is the magazine that 40 years ago fired a trans woman when they found out she was trans.’” She chokes up. “It just means a lot to me that history can be rewritten.”
Back then when the modeling industry canned Tracey, she had a thought about what she was doing. Rather than sue (she said in the article she didn’t have the presence of mind to even think of doing such a thing) she thought differently of events unfolding in her life:
“I’ve always said that the person that walks through the door first leaves the door cracked. There was a perception that a transgender woman couldn’t be passable and work in fashion magazines and land contracts. I proved that wrong. I left the door cracked for other [transgender people] to walk through.”
The door stayed open for 40 years before Cox stepped through. Not just once. Multiple times.
These kinds of events, these connections which span decades, are happening in your life every day. They happen every day. Some are decades old. Some open the moment you need them. Why don’t you see them? Why is your life not charmed like Cox or some other person you know?
Comparisons are futile.
What’s important is the nature of your stories. What stories are you telling yourself? Your stories are the access to events being organized on your behalf. You can tap in to them effortlessly, including that event where you naturally, effortlessly meet your ideal partner.
It’s not magic. It’s not miraculous. It’s just how the Universe works. Claim your share.