The best way to have everything you want, transgender women and trans-attracted men, is through finding a way to feel the best you can. Transamorous Network clients learn how to do that. When they do, their lives improve dramatically.
Not everyone needs help living from the best emotions they can. If you’re not a client, even though we offer incredibly reasonable rates, you can do it on your own. We offer a lot of free content here, and on other other platforms. Including YouTube.
Love, confidence and self-love are emotions with the most leverage.
From there, you should be able to see everything you want coming easy. Including the guy or girl you want.
Life flows consistent with how you feel
As I live from love, confidence and self-love, my life flows more and more consistent with my desires. I see plenty evidence of everything I want, emerging from within my life. Life feels good. It feels right. I feel loved.
Some ask “if that’s true, how come you’re not with anyone?”
My answer, of course, is, I’m clear about who I want as a partner. And, right now, I’m not yet a match to them. That’s where I’m focusing relationship-wise: becoming a match to them. I’m no hypocrite. So I practice what I preach.
Instead of looking for them, or being on dating sites or even going out on dates, I prefer this person come to me. I also know that will happen, when I’m a match.
In the meantime, I prefer being single.
How you feel can be manufactured
In that single-hood, I focus on creating the best, highest positive emotions I can about anything I think about. That’s because when I do that, when I manufacture my feelings through telling positive stories, I create the best circumstances for that partner I’ve created to show themselves to me.
Meanwhile, my life fills with other desires that fulfill themselves. For example, I don’t work anymore. No, I’m not retired. Instead, I enjoy my days lounging on the beach or hanging out at home. No matter where I am, I enjoy my passion to create a new economic reality for humanity or write about my transamorous experiences and share my spirituality with others through Positively Focused. Drawing, practicing spirituality and enjoying Netflix every once and a while fills my days. I also cook, bake and read things, all to my heart’s content. Not a single hour finds me working.
One of my drawings for Positively Focused.
Another day at the beach. It’s a little cooler.
Baked caramel brownies. YUM!
Me, enjoying a warm day at the beach.
Snickerdoodles!
There’s a lot I do with my time on earth, none of which involves working.
What about money?
I don’t think about it. So money takes care of itself, coming into my life in amounts enabling me to live the way I choose. And, because I’m Positively Focused, because I tell stories that feel good, more money flows into my life in bigger and bigger quantities.
Of course, as I live, the more I see, the more I want. The more I want, the more I see. And the more I want and see, the more momentum builds, allowing more of what I desire to be realized by me. So just by living this way, having fun and enjoying my life, things I want come easily, as they gradually become a match to me.
That includes my lover.
Since I know I’m eternal, I’m in no rush to meet this person. It will happen when it happens. In the meantime, I’m having a really great life. Lounging, loving myself, having fun, being creative and helping others do the same.
It’s the sweet spot. The awesome point where things come easily. Are you in yours?
Everyone is born with unique talents. That includes you. Especially you if you’re transgender or trans-attracted. You’re the vangaurd of humanity. You’re special.
You also come with tendencies. Tendencies leaning toward expressing those talents. Feeling those tendencies then following them will change your life.
It is not possible to come to earth with no passions, skills, strengths or direction. Are you feeling like you have none of these? Are you bored about life? Feel stuck in a rut? The problem isn’t what you’re doing.
It’s how you’re thinking.
You brought everything with you needed to live your greatest life ever. Including having the love you want. Living your greatest life hinges on being happy.
Happiness is an emotion you conjure deliberately. When you don’t, it comes and goes.
Here’s the secret to living your greatest life ever and getting the love you want: Be happy first.
There’s a reason you feel bored or tired or sad or unfulfilled. It’s saying “How you are thinking right now needs to change if you want what you want.”
Same is true if you feel shame about being trans-attracted, sad, confused or in despair over dysphoria from being trans, or feeling depressed, lonely or anxiety-ridden.
· · ·
Ask someone “what is the purpose of emotions?” You won’t get the answer you just got. Yet it is key to everything.
Not many people know you can become happy in a few seconds. No matter what is happening. Not knowing this, happiness is fleeting.
But happiness can be permanent. Learning to conjure happiness is all it takes.
“How do you conjure it?” you ask.
I’ll get to that. But first, let’s spend some time exploring why being happy first gets you all you want.
Happiness is the key. It’s more than just an emotion. (photo: Artem Bali)
Happy matters…a lot
What if you had two options:
Option A:
Go to gay bars, deal with trolls and gold digging transgender women, men on the DL and transgender women that haven’t figured themselves out. Or join online dating sites, sift through all kinds of men totally clueless about what it means to be transgender, or transgender women who are only looking for six pack abs, young guys, and “straight men”. You kiss a lot of toads, remain single and struggling, despondent and sad until, some time later….through all kinds of trials and struggles…you find him or her or them.
Whether it’s a relationship or a job or a place to live or love many people default to option A.
Option A gives you great stories to tell. “War wounds” galore. Maybe your marriage failed along the way if you’re trans-attracted and married. Or you got disowned from your family if you’re transgender. Maybe you got your heart broken by that guy who turned out to be married. Or that transgender woman who really didn’t know what she wanted, but realized not you.
There are tons of people out there who will commiserate. Hey, you made it! You found love! And I feel you girl! It’s not easy!
Sure you might be in relationship now. But you might not be. And if you are, you might lose it. A lot of people who find love lose it. In wake of that, they’re bitter, depressed, lonely and heart-broken.
This way, happiness comes in two or three minutes instead of after you finally find that relationship. At that point, you have what you want: you’re happy. After all, that’s why you want that relationship or whatever. You think it will make you happy.
That kind of happiness is Option A. In Option B you get that relationship too. It comes far easier, and, through the entire way you’re already happy. But it doesn’t end there.
The right people, the right timing, the right jobs, the right events, the right places to live, the right amount of money…all these things come with little effort on your part. Day after day, what you want starts happening.
You’re getting what you’re wanting. What’s more, happiness replaces struggle, stress and anxiety.
Along the way, your connection to that larger you grows. You lose fears, including the fear of death. Anxiety goes away. What others think worries you less. You realize you’re eternal. Life becomes fun. And happiness becomes permanent.
To me, the choice is clear.
· · ·
Option B happens exactly like this. Here’s why that is, and why happiness matters.
Photo: Hans Vivek
Happiness more than an emotion. It serves a critical purpose. It tells you when got your stories right.
Telling the right stories connects you with your larger self. The part of you you project yourself from into physical reality. You’re “here” on earth. But you’re also “there” in the timeless, spacious present of the now.
The moment you decide you want something, you have it in the spacious present. But you don’t get what you want in physical reality as quickly. Why? Because things happen slower here. That’s a good thing.
How many times have you said, for example, something like “I wish that jerk would die, he’s such a dick!” or “I wish I never married my wife. She’s such a bitch!” or “I wish you were never born”?
It’s a good thing you don’t immediately get what you want. Your life would be crazier than it is.
Things don’t have to happen as slow as they do though. They can happen faster. What’s slowing them up? I’m going to tell you.
Your life experience composes a constellation of events all shaped by your stories. (Photo: Frederik de Wit)
You have access to great power. It knows all potential outcomes. It knows All That Is. It knows everything you want. It has everything you want. It knows how you can have all you want.
What would that part of you feel? If it has everything you want, wouldn’t it be happy, excited, free, joyful and fulfilled, eager and blissful?
Of course it would.
Well that power you have access is you. So is the you here on Earth. When you’re feeling happy, excited, free, joyful and fulfilled, you see the world the same way your power sees it. Seeing the world that way tunes you to your power. That’s why when you do tune in you feel all these positive emotions. Including happiness.
Your power is intelligent. It also loves you. It wants you to have everything it has. It’s always sending you messages that, if followed, lead you to everything your power has…which is all you can have.
When you’re in tune, you’re able to hear those messages. They feel like intuition, or hunches.
That you can feel happiness (or not happy) is how you tell if you’re tuned to your power. When you’re happy, you’re in tune. When you’re not, you’re not in tune. It’s that simple.
The less in tune you are, the less you can hear your messages. Life is harder when you can’t hear your messages. That’s why being happy first is so important. It tells you when the communication channel between you and you is open. And when it is open, you’re lead to all you want.
So happiness must be something you can conjure at will. Otherwise you couldn’t hear what you’re sending.
So, back to the question: “how do you conjure happiness”?
The answer: by learning to think deliberately. So “thinking” is important?
· · ·
Not only is thinking important, how you think is important too.
Yet hardly anyone teaches “how to think” in school or anywhere else.
You can learn how to think critically. Or how to think like an engineer. Or a lawyer. That instruction teaches how to be productive in a given field.
But hardly anyone teaches how to think so you can be happy in life.
I’m going to teach you right now.
Think your way to happiness
Photo: Aaron Huber
Usually people think happiness happens when something they want happens.
I get a new car. I’m happy!
I get a job. I’m happy!
I had a great time last night. I was happy!
When I meet the guy of my dreams, I’ll be happy!
Happiness does happen that way. But only when people don’t know what you’re reading.
As I wrote above, happiness can be a permanent condition. It’s actually supposed to be that way. Meaning, it can happen in sucky situations too.
It all depends on how you think. Not what is happening.
Let’s say you’re on a blind date. The person you’re out with turned out to be nothing like what you want. Or maybe you’re buying a coffee and someone misgenders you. Or you’re trans-attracted and worried your wife is going to find your YouTube or PornTube History.
Your irritation, frustration, disappointment, anger or fear or dread is not happiness. That means you’re not tuned into your power. You’re not deliberately thinking.
But you can be tuned in. And you can be happy now, even though you’re with someone you see no potential in or you’re being misgendered, or you’re worried about your spouse discovering your trans-attraction.
How?
Think of something positive long enough until happiness shows up.
It’s that simple.
So you’re on your date. The person you’re with is not at all your type. You feel negative or disgusted. You’re thinking “why am I wasting my time here?” or complaining about how this person looks or something like that.
Let’s say you’ve been misgendered. Immediately you’re angry. You may not know it, but maybe you’re thinking “how could this happen again!” “I can’t believe this is happening!” “How dare she/he” or, “OMG! What are people thinking right now! How embarrassing!”
Or perhaps you’re worried about your wife finding out your trans-attracted. You’re fearful, insecure, anxious and always looking around your shoulder. You’re thinking “Oh god, what happens if she wants to divorce me?” “What if she finds out I’ve been having sex with escorts?” “What if our son finds out?” “What will she do to me?”.
Blind date, the coffee shop, your marriage. These are stories you’re telling about the situation. That’s all they are. They are not the truth, they are just a story. So here is how to be happy, even in these three circumstances.
First, turn your attention to something that pleases you in the moment. The clothes you’re wearing, for example. Perhaps they are some of your favorite clothes. Think about how much you like those clothes. How well they fit, how good you look in them. Think about the compliment you got on the bus on the way to work, or how good you looked in the mirror.
It would go like this:
I really like how I look in this
I like how I feel in this
These clothes make me look (hot, professional, skinny, feminine, etc)
I look (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
I like looking (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
I like feeling (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
You could think about your best friend, or someone else you know you really care about. Think about how much you like that person. Think about how much you like talking with them, how they make you laugh maybe. Think specific thoughts about them similar to the ones above:
I’m so glad so-and-so is in my life
I’m eager to see this person again
It was cool so-and-so called me last night
I’m glad I can rely on him/her/them
I like having them in my life.
Maybe you really like the way you have recently reorganized your home. Think about how much you like your space now. Think about how good that feels to you. Think about how good it feels to you to turn a messy space into an organized one. Think specific thoughts about it like the ones above:
I really like being organized
I like having everything in their place
It feels good to be organized
I feel best when my space is ordered
It’s nice to see clutter turn to order
Your thinking doesn’t have to be monumental. It doesn’t have to be about your current situation either. It only needs to trigger positive feelings. How and why this happens is too detailed for this piece. I’ll describe the mechanics another time.
Photo: Oleg Ivanov
While thinking these thoughts, pay attention to your feelings. First you’ll be feeling what you originally felt, disappointment, anger or fear or embarrassment or worry.
But as you think on purpose, you’ll feel different. You might feel a less negative emotion first. For example, your embarrassment might turn into pessimism or your frustration might turn into mild annoyance. This is progress.
Keep thinking on purpose and you’ll find yourself feeling relief. Then positive feelings like optimism, hopefulness and…eventually happiness. If you can keep going you might realize yourself feeling enjoyment about your date, or you not caring about what the barista did. Or you may feel love and compassion about your wife instead of anxiety over her discovering your trans-attraction.
Now you’re having a totally different experience than you were having before. If you’re on a date, you might actually start enjoying the date, even though you may not see any future with the person. If you’re in the coffee shop, you might find presence of mind to make the experience a teaching moment for the barista. If you’re at home, you might feel an overwhelming sense to do something to resolve the situation. Like tell her. Or search for a way to tell her.
A married transamorous man’s message to us here at The Transamorous Network.
So the key is to turn your attention to something other than what you’re thinking about. Something more positive than what you’re thinking about right now. You’ll find your feelings will change too. Keep it up and your experience will change too as your mood improves.
The moment you notice your mood improve, turn your thinking to that. Acknowledge what you just did. You changed how you’re feeling without changing your situation. Note how much better you’re feeling. It feels better than you felt just a few moments ago. Congratulate yourself. Say, “Wow, in just a few seconds, I changed my experience from X (negative emotion) to Y (better feelings). That’s pretty neat!” Come up with five or six other thoughts:
This is new and exciting.
Hmm, I like how this feels
I like that I can do this.
I feel a whole lot better
Wow, now I’m feeling even better!
In a few thoughts, you’ll find yourself thinking different, but related, thoughts:
I wonder how far this can go?
Could it be this easy?
This is actually kind of fun!
I’m glad I tried this!
As you stay on that track, you might feel or hear your thoughts change. Notice them change to other pleasing things. For example, you might find yourself thinking about the sex you had last night. Focus on that and you’ll find yourself feeling other…er…sensations 😀.
Keep it up and your feelings will get increasingly positive. And yet, your conditions still haven’t changed. You’re still on a blind date that hasn’t changed. Or you’re still in the coffee shop. Or you’re still married to a cis-woman.
· · ·
Practice with obvious things until you’re good at it. Maybe you like how you look. Or you like some talent you have. Maybe you like a particular television show. Or you like a particular person. Practice with those.
Then move to less obvious topics:
Think about how cool it is that you woke up today.
Or that your body functions mostly without your attention.
Or that you really like the color of your room.
Or that the sun comes up every day
Or that there is plenty of air to breathe
So now you changed your reality. You were feeling negative, or sad, or embarrassed or anxious. Your life experience reflected that: a boring date you’d prefer to escape; a close-minded barista who said something negative; a marriage you’ve outgrown. Now you’re happy or close to it. You’ve also created a new physicalreality. Your positive emotions come with physical experiences. A smile on your face, a stirring in your loins maybe, a lighter disposition. You may even see the difference.
There are changes happening you can’t see too. Not at first. Your entire life experience is changing. It is tuning into experiences leading to what you’re wanting. Not just one of those things either. All of them.
Your blind date may suddenly say something that interests you or makes you laugh. Or the barista may apologize, not intending to slip with the wrong pronoun, or someone may correct the barista for you. Or you might find some resources to help you navigate through your marriage, or your wife may approach you and say something out of left field like “I love you no matter what, you know that?” in response to her deep knowing already that you’re trans-attracted.
In other words, you’re not doing this to just feel good. Your life experience is changing. You’re also doing this to feel messages your broader perspective constantlysends you. This is where your impulses come in.
Photo: Tim Foster
As you gain more thinking skill something else happens: You get an impulse to do something. It will be subtle. It will be more feeling than words. It might feel like “go to the bathroom”, for example.
Let’s say that’s it. You’re in the coffee shop. You’ve changed your thoughts. Then, you get the sense to go to the bathroom. You may not have the biological urge to go. So it may make no logical sense. But when you get it, go.
When you do, when you come out, you might bump into someone you were thinking about. Or you might get a text or call from someone you know. Or a call from someone you’ve been wanting to hear from. Coming out of the bathroom, you might run into a co-worker who says, “I was just thinking about you.” and offer you something unexpected and surprising.
When that happens, you’ve gotten exactly what I described in the beginning of this post: Things happening with little effort on your part. The only action you took was changing what you’re thinking about and following your impulse to go to the bathroom.
This is Option B brought to life.
· · ·
You want to practice this until you do it automatically. In the same way you think now. Look at your thoughts. They probably come and go on their own.
That’s practiced. You’re not thinking on purpose. That can change.
The more you practice, the more you’ll get “hunches” or “impulses”. Of course, as you practice, you’ll get what look like false impulses. You’ll take action and it will seem nothing beneficial happened. These are actually true though. Something beneficial did happen.
For example, say you went to the bathroom and nothing happened. But something did happen. Feel, then act. Notice how you’re feeling and thinking. You might be thinking “this was dumb”, or “I look like an idiot”.
Those thoughts are telling you something. They are saying “you think what people think about you is more important than getting what you want”.
Why else would you care about how you look to other people? Embarrassment is an emotion triggered by this belief. If you’re feeling embarrassment or stupid, you’ve cut off communication between you and you.
Now hear this: You wouldn’t have known this thought is keeping you from hearing your messages if “nothing happened”, right? So something happened: you got clear about something you needed to know to get what you want.
So when you feel an impulse after tuning into your power, either:
A. Take action immediately. Go talk to that person, go to the bathroom, take a nap or whatever. Then see what happens. If something happens that feels like nothing, for now you have to take on faith that something did happen. In time, you’ll become more aware of what’s happening.
B. Wait. Take no action until the feeling to act is so persistent you must follow it. THEN act as in point A above.
At first, you might have a hard time feeling impulses. Getting used to telling the difference between an impulse and a random thought takes practice.
Mindfulness, i.e. paying attention will allow permanent happiness. (Photo: Lesly Juarez)
Still, can you see how this practice turns your life into an amazing adventure?
At first, you’ll get a lot of “false” results. But those “false” results aren’t false. You just can’t yet understand how they aren’t.
Keep going though and life fills in with subjects and interests and people matching your passions, skills, strengths and desires. You also learn how to see things working out for you more easily.
Eventually you’re following your tendencies regularly. And they are leading you to all you’re wanting.
But…
Doing this process once or twice it’s not enough. You’ll feel good for a moment. But your old habits (automatic thinking) will return. This is why people who try these things end up failing. They don’t apply themselves enough.
Want to get everything you want and live happily ever after? Repeat these steps over and over. For how long? Until thinking this way is as natural as the way you think now.
Then through telling these new stories you’ll come into your power.
And then you have it all, including lasting happiness.
Your life is supposed to be an ongoing series of happy experiences that get better and better. Then you return to where you came, reveling in the joyful adventure you had on earth. Transgender or trans-attracted, this is supposed to be your life experience.
That includes all the lovers you might want.
We call it living “happily ever after.” That’s why you’re here.
A lot of people would probably say being transgender or transamorous means you’ll be or must be unhappy. Feeling bitter, frustrated, angry, scared, annoyed, jealous, or insecure seems to come with the territory.
But there is no circumstance in which you can’t be happy. You only have to learn how it’s done.
In happiness you get all you want. Including love and security. No matter how many transgender women get murdered. No matter how many work in the sex industry. Those numbers don’t condemn you to an unhappy life.
The only thing keeping you from being happy and having all you want is literally “doing” life wrong. With practice and patience you can not only have the life you want, you also can be an example for others.
How to be happy
Happiness is not the result of doing. It results from being.
In other words, it’s a “being state”.
You become happy by being happy.
“That sounds like a circular argument, Perry. What do you mean?”
Let’s clear up some misconceptions.
Pursing happiness through material consumption or acts, including sex, is bound to disappoint. That’s because feelings you get from buying things, or from your action aren’t meant to be permanent. They’re meant to make you want more.
Which they do.
That’s why the good-feeling from buying a new pair of shoes, for example, goes away after you’ve worn them a while.
It’s why when you have a casual sexual experience, after the orgasm, you tend to feel hollow.
When you figure out how to be happy as a being state, not through doing things, then actions you take from that being state are the way you express your happiness, not how you achieve happiness. They are also more powerful regarding getting what you want, including a lover.
In other words, your doing is an expression of your happy state, not a means to being happy. How do you find happiness? By first understanding what happiness is.
Happiness is an emotion. Yeah, you know that. But, what is the role of an emotion? Have you thought about that? In all the conversations we have about this, no one (so far) has thought thoroughly about what emotions are for.
They just accept their existence.
Emotions serve a purpose. Figure that out and you understand why being happy is important. Then, when you’re not happy, you know why.
Next, learn how to make happiness happen. Then and only then can you become happy when you’re not happy. It’s not true that you are not happy because of what you’re experiencing. You’re not happy because you’re not trying to be happy.
If you know how to make happiness happen, then when you’re not happy you can become happy. You only have to know how. Then practice. Once you’ve practiced, becoming happy at any time is easy.
Stay happy long enough and you’ll create “happiness momentum”. Happiness momentum is when happiness becomes your steady state. It takes a while to get there, but when you’re there, it’s easy to keep it going. This is crucial for living happily ever after.
Happiness momentum begins with you being happy for no other reason other than because you say so.
Here’s why.
Once you have created your own happiness momentum, then you’ve got it all. Because a consistent, happy state is the open door through which all you want easily comes.
There are other things you must to know. For one, you must learn to see signs telling you your practice is working.
What do we mean by that?
It’s simple science!
The world around you is your subjective life experience. Your life experience comprises a series of accretion events. They look like random compositions of people, circumstances and objects coming together in a certain timing.
These accretion events show up through a process guided by something. It’s not random.
What seem like random events actually are planned events. Who is planning them? You are. How? Two ways that work together. One is what you pay attention to, the other is how you feel when you pay attention.
Look at happy things or think happy thoughts. That organizes accretion events to match your happiness. These become your life experience. Look at unhappy things or think unhappy thoughts. That organizes accretion events to match your negative feelings. These become your life experience.
So, you decide what events, people, elements and circumstances become your experience. And you know which ones are coming by how you feel.
It’s that simple.
Nearly everyone on the planet forgot this is how life works. And that’s why people try to “make” happiness happen through doing: buying things, going on trips, being with others, having sex etc.
The pursuit of happiness doesn’t work because the pursuer forgot she carries her happiness with her. Happiness is not found in the physical world. That’s not what the physical world is for.
We know this seems preposterous pseudoscience. But a little test on your part can prove that it works 100% of the time. Like many things requiring mastery, you need someone to remind you how to see the signs of it working.
Make your life purpose happiness and you will live happily every after. Including finding all the love you could possibly want.
I love transgender women. Because I am out and proud about this, I get emails and calls from all kinds of people (men, women, transgender women, trans men) asking all kinds of questions about their transamory.
Men have the most trouble finding reconciliation. They find transgender women beautiful, worthy of love and, frankly, irresistible. Even while realizing dating transgender women sometimes comes with extraordinary drama levels. Despite that, many of these men aren’t struggling with that. What’s difficult is reconciling their attraction with being a “normal” man.
I’m writing this story –– my story –– for those men. The following is universal. Yet it is uniquely helpful for men right now. I mean “normal” men.
I write “right now” because men face intense (self-inflicted) scrutiny. Scrutiny well deserved. This January, the American Psychological Association (APA), said traditional masculinity is sociologically harmful. “[It] stunts male’s “psychological development, constrain[s] their behavior, result[s] in gender role strain and gender role conflict and negatively influence[s] mental health and physical health”, they said.Traditional masculinity is what I call normal men.
Feminism suggests the APA’s findings originate in male awe, envy and ignorance. Feminists call this Womb Envy. That’s a term coined by German psychoanalyst Karen Horney. Normal men find awe in what they instinctively know: Every human enters life through a womb connected to a vagina. At least for now. Forgetting their part in life-creation, normal men feel insecure and envious. Their envy becomes all-consuming. Willful ignorance replaces envy, allowing the subordination of women. Normal men gain superiority this way.
The result: Masculine wholeness –– which recognizes the female in the male –– gets lost.
This is what I’m seeing in the Gillette controversy. Men’s life experience is reflecting back to them their out-of-balance-ness. Like children, some men are reacting first, to Gillette’s spot-on ad, then thinking. Or not thinking at all.
What does this have to do with loving transgender women?
A lot.
It is this acting out first then thinking, or not thinking at all, that gets a lot of men in trouble. It also gets many transgender women killed. All, believe it or not, for the sake of love.
· · ·
I realized I was transamorous in my 30s. Before that, I saw “masculinity” and “femininity” as two parts of a whole being. Sometimes I felt more feminine than masculine back then. Even though I was having sex with girls.
Sometimes I would sneak into my mom’s closet. It was an endless sea of femininity. There, I would dress in my mom’s clothes. I used her lipstick and pranced before her full length mirror, with its ornate wooden frame and chipped paint. Her lingerie particularly intrigued me.
Often these sessions would end with masturbation.
That’s how I got busted.
Mom when I was young (Photo: Gruber Family)
One day my mom called me to her room. How did she know it was me and not one of my brothers? Let’s just say it was mothers’ intuition. Otherwise I don’t know. In any case, my mom’s love trumped anything else in our little chat. She didn’t want me playing in her clothes, she said. But it was ok that I was exploring.
That could have gone a lot worse.
This was before “transgender” was a thing. I mean, it was a thing. Transgender people have always been around. But it wasn’t in the public eye as it is today with high-profile transgender models, actresses, politicians, Julia Serranos, Stef Sanjati’s.
Even it if was, I was too young to know what “transgender” was. Thinking about that time, and times today, I can imagine how it feels to be transgender. Not knowing you are transgender. Then discover the word “transgender” for the first time.
It must come with profound relief to know you’re not alone.
The same is true for men attracted to transgender women. They think they’re alone. But they are not.
When I discovered my transamory, “transamory” wasn’t a thing either. I didn’t know, for example Lou Reed had a long term relationship with a transgender woman. But I sure loved his song.
Nor did David Bowie’s gender-bending persona catch my eye.
So when I fell in love with the first transgender woman I ever saw, in a Yakuza bar in Osaka, Japan, I was blown away. Blown away by her beauty. Blown away by the circumstances. And blown away for how deep and instantaneous my attraction was.
I was in the Marines at the time. My girlfriend, who would become one of my few fiancés to never cross the threshold, took me to see her home town. She thought I’d get a kick visiting a Yakuza bar. I don’t think she knew how profound that kick would be. It kicked off what would culminate in everything I am today. That and how I tell my transamory story with recovering “normal” transamorous men looking for solace.
My ex-wife used to call me her “gay boy”. It’s true, my feminine side is well-developed. I don’t cross dress or anything like that. I do enjoy reveling in that part of me that is soft, kind, receptive and open. And yet, I do present male, although I consider myself gender neutral. I recognize the female in me as much as I do the male.
And here’s where love comes into the picture. And by that I’m referring to self-love.
Photo: Bima Mentara on Unsplash
Many of my fellow Marines weren’t as appreciative of my nature as my ex-wife was. Or my mom. It wasn’t constant, but Marines can be callous towards someone not embracing the macho, natural-born-killer persona believed to enshroud what it is to be a Marine. Of course, the occasional taunts ended once I became a Sergeant of Marines. Yet, the juxtaposition between my feminine side and my masculine side represented a crossroads back then. The path I took was embracing both. Choosing to be me, I said to hell with everyone else. After all, if I could take shit from Marines, I could take shit from anybody.
Me as a Marine circa 1982. (Photo: USMC)
In other words, I chose loving myself for all that I am. I chose that over caring what other people think about what I am. An aspect of what I am is a man who loves transgender women.
As I love myself, I love the blend that is the transgender female form. I love the struggle transgender women must go through. I love their strength. I love that they are sometimes reviled not only by men, women and society, but also by their parents sometimes. I love them because I know all these challenges make them who they are.
As my challenges made me who I am.
Today, I am no longer married to the woman who was my wife. Ours was a marriage of convenience. By that I mean, there was no better relationship for us than the one we had, which called us to become more of that which we each are are: more clear about what we want and more clear about our authenticity.
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I met my wife online. I hadn’t been successful dating transgender women. I had relationships, but the early ones reflected my own trans-attraction insecurities. My insecurity showed up in meeting transgender women who also were insecure. Insecurity is no foundation for healthy coupledom. It didn’t help that I dated in secret. In between cis-gender lovers.
Maybe that sounds familiar.
My wife and I New Years 2012 (Photo by Kyle Layser)
Insecurity transamorous men feel initially shows up in many ways. One is fear of being seen in public with the woman they find attractive. It’s an early “trans-attraction” stage of transamory. It sounds dumb, but it’s real. And it’s a step older transamorous men go through more than younger ones these days. Some younger generation transamorous men reflect their generation. Their generation accepts gender fluidity, so they do too. So they don’t experience as much insecurity.
Pro-tip non-sequitur for transgender women: Ridiculing and shaming men for being in this stage prolongs it. Want men to be proud to be with you in public? Stop shaming them.
When I met my wife, I was not intending to marry. I was open to a non-traditional relationship. Anyone I found attractive and compatible would do. Yet I entertained preference for a transgender partner. I knew, however, my insecurity wasn’t going to match me with a transgender partner of my dreams.
Today, many of my clients are having to unpack decades of being married to cis-gender women, when they knew they were trans-attracted before they got married, but didn’t own their authenticity. In some ways, I was no exception.
My wife was determined to break her streak of meeting men who were not good for her. Like me, she realized she was her problem. Not the men she dated. So we were a perfect match.
Relationships are always like that. Perfect matches.
Our marriage was a training ground. In it we were helping prepare one another for partners we eventually will have. It was our agreement.
If you’re trans-attracted or transamorous, married or not, you can’t love the object of your affection until you first love yourself. Especially if you’re married. A lot of transamorous men are married to cis-gender women. There is nothing wrong in that.
Still, if you are married, your wife knows on some level that you are different. I assure you fights between you two have a lot to do with insecurity born of that awareness.
Hardness creates more struggle. So does insecurity. Extreme cases result in death. Almost half the murders of transgender women in 2017 happen in the context of intimate relationships gone awry, according to research I’ve done online. Seems to me the sooner you embrace who you are, the better you and everyone else will be. You’ll be one less transamorous man hiding in their shame. That can prevent a murder.
It’s time more transamorous men embrace all of who they are. (Photo: Ozan Safak on Unsplash)
Men loving transgender women is normal.
Love between humans is the norm. So it is normal that a human would express love for another human. Both men and transgender women are human. So love between them is as normal as any other love.
But I would argue there is no such thing as a “normal” man.
There are all kinds of men. The Gillette controversy shows that. If you’re trying to be a normal man and think that’s ok, you’re not expressing your authenticity. You’re expressing insecurity. Your “abnormality” is the norm. Your “perversity” is the norm. Your “sin” is the norm. Abnormality, perversity and sin are words reflecting societal judgment.
Fuck that.
Your individuality is the norm. That means there’s no such thing as a normal or traditional man.
Transgender people are here to help all humanity to come to grips with the fact that to be human is to be different. There are a lot of normal men out there confronting their normalcy in light of their transamory. Some respond violently, with tragic consequences for both victim and perpetrator. Others call me, or send an email.
If you find transgender women attractive, you’re in good company. All men will find the attractive ones attractive. Until they discover that attractive woman is transgender. But that doesn’t negate their initial attraction. It only masks the attraction with shame expressed as revulsion. You’re still attracted to her.
If you find transgender women worth loving, but struggle with it, that’s ok. You don’t have to figure it all out now. You will in time. My experience is, the journey is worth it. For you, for your relationships and for the human race as a whole.
The journey is sweeter, though, after you accept what you are.
Make a habit of feeling good. It’s a sure way to find love. Especially if you’re transgender, or transamorous.
Feeling good eliminates drama too. It also makes improving your life easy.
Finding trouble finding love? Finding it difficult to accept your transamory? Or maybe you’ve accepted it privately. Now you want to “go public”. But something is stopping you.
Feeling good can help with all that. And a lot more.
We are all meant to be happy.
Feeling good is happiness. Happiness includes prosperity and freedom, including financial freedom, time freedom and freedom of an easy love relationship. Everything you think as necessary to being happy, you can have.
You don’t have to deprive yourself. Or compromise. Especially in relationship.
You’re meant to be continually happy. If you’re not doing that, you’re making life harder than it needs to be.
It’s funny how we sometimes say “If I have that guy or girl I’m looking for as a partner I’ll be happy.” Or “He makes me happy.” Relationships don’t make a person happy.
Having that perfect partner in your life doesn’t make you happy. That relationship, no matter how wonderful, comes with button pushing, unmet expectations, and lots of growth opportunities.
Can you be happy in a relationship? Yes.
But not because of the relationship. You’re happy because you’re happy.
Happiness doesn’t come from having that new job, or that car or house you want, or that money you’re wanting either.
When you satisfy a want, you feel the satisfaction, sure. But notice: over time, that satisfaction fades as new wants come up and old satisfied ones get…well…old. 🙄
Relationships are like satisfied wants. They are meant to be fulfilled. And, just like you have satisfied wants, you’re supposed to have satisfying relationships.
If it seems like “no duh”, then why are so many not happy?
It takes a while to get to lasting happiness. Not because it’s hard – it’s easy.
It takes a while though because you have to slow your old way of living’s influence. Thinking life is hard, that you must work hard, that relationships are hard, that “you don’t always get what you want”, that men are all X and women are all Y, these kinds of thoughts act against your happiness. You have to replace those stories with new ones. Then you have to make them as automatic as the stories you now tell yourself.
Once that happens….oh my.
So the trip is worth it.
So here’s how to start the journey to feeling good:
Step one: Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. Write down how much you appreciate. Try expressing appreciation for things you take for granted, such as the device you’re reading this on, the shoes on your feet, soap, toothpaste. Start with simple things.
Step two: Pay attention to what you’re feeling. Your feelings tell you what kind of story you’re telling. Develop a habit of checking in with yourself throughout the day. We can help you develop these powerful habits. We’re really good at it.
Step three: Stop listening to the news. We know this is difficult for some people. But the more you listen to the news, particularly negative news about the transgender community, the more unhelpful stories you create and the more you reinforce your old stories. It’s hard being happy and listen to the news.
Besides, very little – actually almost nothing – in the news pertains to you.
Step four. Get out more. Take more walks. While you’re out there, practice step one above and notice things in the world you take for granted. Getting out in nature has huge mood enhancing benefits.
Step five. At the end of each day, acknowledge all the good that happened, including your success in doing these five steps.
Practice these five steps daily. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself well on the way to unshakeable happiness and freedom. Then, and only then you’ll get all you’re wanting. Including that relationship. And you’ll get it all with little effort. We guarantee it.
