Transgender - The Transamorous Network

March 23, 2020March 22, 2020

How To Embrace Your Trans-attraction And Be Married

Holding hands

I’m divorced now.

My divorce wasn’t because I’m transamorous. It came after a long series of unrelated events. Events requiring my ex-wife and I going our separate ways as different people with different desires.

I can give more detail. But that won’t help.

What is helpful is this: if you’re trans-attracted, married to someone other than a trans woman, and you find yourself desiring transgender women, you can stay married.

But you’ll be happier married to a trans woman if marriage is what you want.

Authenticity will win in the end. That means your trans-attraction will win. It’s winning now. Why do you think you’re reading this? 😂😂😳

That eager, irresistible desire? That’s your authenticity. Like gay people who finally own their authenticity and trans people too, you will as well. It is inevitable.

When you do, the whole world will benefit. You will too. So will your current spouse.

Are you ready?

Maybe you’re ready. Maybe you’re impatient. Impatience can speed things up. But a natural end to your marriage, rather than a blow up, feels better. It’s a smoother ride. And, through patience, allowing life its way, you and your wife will part in peace.

Maybe you think you can’t be patient. That’s why we are here. Maybe you already shared this part of you with your spouse, and, like my clients, you’re trying to figure out what comes next.

When that’s through, and your marriage too, you still must reconcile stories shaping unwanted realities. Realities that include inauthentic marriages.

Crappy_Marriage

You, your spouse, your marriage, and everything else in contact with you is colored. It’s colored by tension you carry in you. That tension, as well as the eager desire you have for transgender women, tells you something. It tells you you have strong stories expressing strong desire.

Those stories and your desire will not be denied.

You know fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, right? Of those who stay together, some last. But in some large number of that lasting group, two unhappy people are ignoring their unhappiness.

That’s no fun. Life is supposed to be fun. Part of that fun includes your trans-attraction.

Your trans-attraction isn’t about you alone. It’s also about every person with whom you interact. Most important, your trans-attraction is about those transgender women (or men) you find yourself attracted to.

That’s because you add to others’ lives as others add to your own. You help people you’re drawn to. You do that by loving them and appreciating them. Loving and appreciating them in the open.

When you do, that love and appreciation returns to you. You love yourself more. You have more fun. You have better relationships.

Your trans-attraction holds great benefit for you. As it does for others. Ignore it and the benefit eludes you.

You can’t hide

The moment I chose living authentically, not only did I find more transgender women in my life, I felt lighter and freer. No longer living a lie, life got easier.

Believe it or not, your wife and everyone else involved already knows you’re trans-attracted. Whether you’ve used words to tell them or not, they pick up on it through their inner knowing.

They don’t consciously know they know. They have a feeling. That feeling effects how they treat you, how they react to you, and how you react to them.

I once spoke with a married trans-attracted man whose marriage included arguments and drama. Both parties played their part. Both reacted to the other. Sure, there were surface level issues. But these issues didn’t warrant the drama. I told this guy his drama and arguments with his wife came from his inauthenticity. He said that felt true.

Partners know what’s going on. They don’t know they know, but they know. You can’t hide.

Your heart’s desire: She’s out there

Here’s what I know about being married to a cisgender woman while being transamorous. Maybe it will help you.

Compromising my trans-attraction felt shitty.
My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.
My wife knew something was up, her anger, frustration and dissatisfaction tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen until much later.
You’re going to be ok. But you must go all the way.

Ultimately you’re married to someone other than your heart’s desire because for some reason you think or thought your heart’s desire isn’t out there waiting for you. They are out there.

But your impatience had you compromise your dream. That’s what I did.

Or you believe you’re not worthy of having what you want. Mainly (likely) because others convinced you that what you want is wrong.

What you want is right.

What you get from marriage you can get outside it. If you really want to be married, marry your heart’s desire.

Do that and you’ll feed many birds with one scone. You’ll change the world. You’ll change. And you’ll change the world of a trans woman.

Just by being authentically you. Then you can be married…to a transgender woman.

March 16, 2020March 16, 2020

How to keep your heart from breaking

No_More_Broken_Hearts — Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.

Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?

Not necessarily.

No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.

My recent relationship taught me that. 😂👍🏾❤️

· · ·

Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.

Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.

But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.

I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.

For a while she appreciated all that.

Then it got too much for her.

Relationships are nice-to-haves

I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.

As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.

There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.

So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love is enough. As it pores through me, I become that. Pure love.

So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?

Good question.

Thoughts make reality

My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works

When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.

Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.

In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.

Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.

Unchecked, my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.

Untitled_Artwork 4 — Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.

Thoughts come from somewhere

Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.

Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.

So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.

That’s how it works.

I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.

Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.

So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.

No_More_Broken_Hearts 4 — Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)

Love happens best when alone

Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these on my other blog Positively Focused.

Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.

Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.

This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.

Untitled_Artwork 5 — You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.

So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.

She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety. A strange connection I thought, feeling anxiety when someone loves you.
She said our relationship would fail.

I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.

For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.

As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.

For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.

That’s what happened for me. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?

It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.

Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.

April 16, 2019

Transgender Ban Sparks Positive Responses

Fight the ban FB blog

A new nonprofit created public space for transgender veterans as Trump’s transgender military ban went into effect Friday*.

The Minority Veterans of America (MVA), based in Seattle, hosted rallies in three cities. New York, Philidelphia and Seattle. While attendance was light, the message loomed large: we support you and will do so until the ban is lifted.

The crowd blog — A nice crowd braved the weather Saturday in Seattle.

Partnering agencies included, National Center for Transgender Equality, Transgender American Veterans Association, The American Military Partner Association, Gender Justice League, Seattle LGBTQ Commission, U.T.O.P.I.A., King County Veterans Consortium, Ingersoll Gender Center, Seattle Women’s Commission, NYC Veterans Alliance, Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America and Steel City Stonewall Democrats.

What I particularly liked about participating in the rally was its purpose:

“To build community space for our transgender service members and veterans to express themselves and find community as well as to build power through standing in solidarity with those impacted by this policy.”

I resonate with that. It’s better helping transgender veterans find empowerment. Doing so has far more beneficial effect than “fighting against”. This applies to anything people want to improve or change.

It’s standard practice these days to push against that which is unjust. The ban is unjust (and perhaps illegal). But pushing against it or trying to shout it down fuels the ban’s continued existence.

Lindsay Church, MVA President and co-founder reiterated her organization’s message at the Seattle event. This this was not a time for shouting or anger, she said. Rather, the rallies serve to build solidarity among underrepresented military veterans.

That’s a story me and The Transamorous Network can get behind.

Lindsay Church blog — Lindsay Church, MVA founder, speaking at the Seattle event.

In your personal life, if you’re a transgender service person, you may feel, angry, disempowered, depressed, anxious or fear. You don’t have to experience that. Negative emotions come from somewhere. They come from stories you’re telling yourself about what you’re looking at. You can just as easily tell positive stories about what you’re looking at. Instead of the ones creating your negative emotions. In doing so, you create exactly what you’re wanting: improvement. However that looks.

Even with the ban, there are a lot of stories you could tell that will empower you. They’ll conjure positive emotions about the ban (yes, actual positive emotions). Focus on those stories long enough and you’ll create a reality where the ban has little if any impact on your life. Down the line, you might discover the ban no longer exists.

There stories can replace ones making you feel angry, disempowered, depressed, anxious, or fear. They are as true as the negative stories you’re telling yourself today. But you’ll notice, if you tell them, you’ll feel better about what’s happening.

Feeling better is important. It’s telling you you are connected to an improved future as opposed to a future of more of the same. Feeling better is more powerful than you may know. If you’re new to our content, this may sound alien. But it’s accurate.

The following stories will trigger positive emotions even though the ban is in place:

This has happened before. And in every case such bans have fallen
I’m happy to see so many people working on my behalf to lift the ban
It’s incredible how many people are working on my behalf
I know I am on the right side of history
I know the world is becoming safer for transgender people
I know more LGBTQ and women are wining local, state and federal elections and so the future is bright for me
The California National Guard is refusing to implement the ban, that’s freaking awesome!
Over 100 congress persons oppose the ban, with many working behind the scenes to eliminate it. That’s awesome, there are a lot of people working on my behalf.
I appreciate those transgender service people directly impacted by the ban. They are the true casualties of this “war” on civil rights. While there are casualties in every war, it’s clear we will win this one. So the casualties will not be for nothing.
I appreciate those transgender service people speaking their truth out loud. They’re becoming celebrities in their own right. That alone may change their lives for the better. Were it not for this ban that may not have happened. So there’s good stuff coming from this too.

There are a lot more I could offer, but I feel better reading those ten. Maybe you too. And of course, your reality must fall in line with any story you tell consistently in your life. Any story triggering emotional response creates reality if you don’t oppose it. Yes, such stories even change political reality.

A state of freedom, empowerment and positivity is the only state from which one can help others. MVA’s rally Saturday recognized community can be more powerful than resisting. It was beautiful to both watch and take part in.

Particularly impressive was U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Patricia King. She zeroed in on the main culprit sparking this ban: ignorance. The people acting out of ignorance aren’t bad. They’re ignorant. Can you get mad at someone who’s ignorant? Maybe. But does that fix anything? Or is it better to help that person rise out of ignorance?

I think the latter is so much more productive. And, it can create an ally.

Patricia King blog — U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Patricia King

One thing I shared during my speech was how important one-on-one conversations are. Patricia spoke about this too. One-on-one conversations with people on the opposite side of the issue can be powerful. That way, people can learn transgender people are human. Not boogymen.

Here are some helpful tips on doing that, from our sister organization Positively Focused. They’re worth looking at.

There’s so much more I could say about these events and MVA. They are rising at the right time in history. I met MVA’s senior leadership over the weekend. Quite an impressive team. Everyone has their hearts in the right place. And they overflow with talent, compassion and commitment for helping underrepresented minority veterans.

I’m eager to see how MVA creates space for community going forward. I can’t help think those results will help non-veteran transgender people too. After all, the minority veteran community is a reflection of our national one.

And as we’re all human, we’re all in this together.

*Over 13,000 transgender troops could be effect by the ban. Injunctions on the ban had been in place until late last week, when the last one fell. What this means is transgender individuals will be precluded from enlisting and serving in the U.S. military solely based on gender identity (There only exception that will be granted will be for current service members who enlisted between Jan. 2016 and April 12, 2019 who received a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and have a note from a physician and mental health professional that they have been stable in their gender for 18 months.).

March 19, 2019March 19, 2019

Transgender People: They’re Everywhere

Transgender people are everywhere. Even in some of the smallest towns, the most conservative towns, you’ll find transgender people. No matter where you live, transgender or trans attracted, if you’re wanting to find love, it’s out there.

Yet, many such places have few services through which transgender and trans attracted people can get help navigating their identities. Sometimes, such towns can be hostile. So trans and trans attracted people may be under the radar. It might look like they’re not around. But they are.

Think You’re Alone? Think Again.

Centralia, Washington is just such town. Located thirty minutes south of Olympia Washington, Centralia is known for its unusual history being the only town in the United States founded by a black man and son to former slaves. Incredibly, his name? George Washington. True story.

Centralia is also known for its conservatism. Like many rural American communities, it leans republican. Centralia sits in “the most conservative county in Washington” according to Zoe Oliver, a Centralia resident and LGBTQIA activist.

But Centralia is quickly gaining a name for itself as a booming LGBTQIA center in its County, thanks to a handful of organizations and individuals like Oliver.

One such organization is Centralia College. Very open and accepting of people of all kinds, Centralia College is home to the Gender and Sexuality Alliance (GSA). GSA is the longest running LGBTQIA organization in Lewis County. It advocates for broader awareness and acceptance of equality and LGBTQIA education, among other things.

Oliver attends school at the college. She also is vice president of GSA. In January, Oliver, representing the College’s Student Activities Team (SAT) asked us to have a table at their Sexual Health And Awareness Fair held in March. The ask is the first time The Transamorous Network has been invited to attend a live event.

At first we thought to decline Oliver’s invite. It isn’t typically what we do. Knowing what we know about how life works, however, we speculated SAT’s invite represented more opportunity than downside.

We were right.

A Growing LGBTQ Community Likes Our Message

Several organizations, Pierce County AIDS Foundation (PCAF), Mpowerment, Washington, Planned Parenthood and others also staffed tables. While organizers acknowledged student attendance was lower than expected, we met important allies in our work.

Of the people who did attend, we met early-stage transitioning women and men, parents of transgender children, educators who advocate for LGBTQ equality, and allies.

Our booth front blog — Remy sitting at our set up booth. This was the first time we’ve been invited to a public event. (Transamorous Network photo)

Everyone hearing our message that “your stories create your reality” had the same response. “It makes sense” they said. Your stories create your reality, including your behaviors, relationships (or lack thereof), your entire life. They even decide who you meet, when you meet them and how.

Your stories also shape your relationship with sexual health, how you choose sexual partners, who you choose, and how you practice sex.

display booth blog — Our wares we offered during the event. We raffled off two copies of our guides in addition to talking with people about their stories. We were not surprised how many people agreed with our knowing that stories create your reality. (Transamorous Network photo)

We like to say sexual health is more than a condom or dental dam. It starts in the head (with your stories), not between your legs.

That’s the message we brought to the event. It was a unique message well received.

Our Message Is Getting Larger Audiences

We’re excited about what the future holds having made acquaintances in Centralia. We’re not spilling the beans, but it sounds like interesting opportunities may spring from within not only that community, but from others nearby.

Who knows? Maybe we’ll be invited to more such events. We’re always open to following leads our intuition sends us.

At our table blog — Us talking with students and faculty at the Centralia College Sexual Health Education Fair. We met a number of organizations we may work with in the future. (Transamorous Network Photo)

Another thing I got from being there was confirmation of what I already knew: transgender people are everywhere.

Even in the most conservative small towns, you’ll find transgender people looking for love, belonging and needing resources to navigate their lives.

And you can bet if there are transgender people, there are people who love transgender people living there too. So no matter where you live, opportunities for love for trans attracted people are available.

Want to find them? You’re going to have a hard time doing so if you believe they aren’t there. Learn to tell the right stories though and you’ll meet them as easily as putting one foot in front of the other.

Check out this short film we made about our participation at the fair. If you’re new to our material, we overview our approach in this radio interview.

August 29, 2018

Life Gives You What You Are

Life is Faithful blog

Hate and you will experience hatred. Hate enough and you will be hated. Whether you’re trans, non-trans, or any combination. It works the same for everyone. Just because you’re trans, or even trans-attracted and vilified or discriminated against, doesn’t entitle you to hate in return. Hating harms you more than it does those hated.

Discriminate and you will experience discrimination. Discriminate enough and you will be discriminated against. What comes first, the discrimination? Or the stories of unworthiness that match you with those who discriminate? Does your being discriminated against merit you discriminating against others? Not seeing yourself as inclusive does more harm to you than those you try to exclude.

Attack and you will have to defend. Attack enough and you will be attacked back, banned and shunned. The world tells you that you have to defend if you are attack, and, optimally, you should attack back if you’re attacked. But that only increases experiences in which an attack or a defense is necessary. Have you noticed?

Be angry and you will experience anger. Be angry frequently enough and you will not know peace. It’s easy to react angrily, especially if you aren’t clear about what your stories are. Knee-jerk angry reactions are always saying more about the angry person than the person one supposedly is mad at.

There is freedom in loving, and peace in being happy. When you are happy, loving and inclusive, you discover a world that reflects all that back to you. Everything you are wanting exists in the world where you are constantly happy. Freedom from hate, discrimination, attacking, anger and more. All that’s required is that you commit to being happy, then practice that.

It’s not to hard to figure. Unless you’re wrapped up in stories which make the figuring, at least for now, impossible. Eventually, though, you’re going to get it. And when you do your life will give you everything you’re trying to have by hating, discriminating, attacking and being angry.

Life gives you what you are. It makes sense then, to simply be happy.