Transamorous men - The Transamorous Network

March 23, 2020March 22, 2020

How To Embrace Your Trans-attraction And Be Married

Holding hands

I’m divorced now.

My divorce wasn’t because I’m transamorous. It came after a long series of unrelated events. Events requiring my ex-wife and I going our separate ways as different people with different desires.

I can give more detail. But that won’t help.

What is helpful is this: if you’re trans-attracted, married to someone other than a trans woman, and you find yourself desiring transgender women, you can stay married.

But you’ll be happier married to a trans woman if marriage is what you want.

Authenticity will win in the end. That means your trans-attraction will win. It’s winning now. Why do you think you’re reading this? 😂😂😳

That eager, irresistible desire? That’s your authenticity. Like gay people who finally own their authenticity and trans people too, you will as well. It is inevitable.

When you do, the whole world will benefit. You will too. So will your current spouse.

Are you ready?

Maybe you’re ready. Maybe you’re impatient. Impatience can speed things up. But a natural end to your marriage, rather than a blow up, feels better. It’s a smoother ride. And, through patience, allowing life its way, you and your wife will part in peace.

Maybe you think you can’t be patient. That’s why we are here. Maybe you already shared this part of you with your spouse, and, like my clients, you’re trying to figure out what comes next.

When that’s through, and your marriage too, you still must reconcile stories shaping unwanted realities. Realities that include inauthentic marriages.

Crappy_Marriage

You, your spouse, your marriage, and everything else in contact with you is colored. It’s colored by tension you carry in you. That tension, as well as the eager desire you have for transgender women, tells you something. It tells you you have strong stories expressing strong desire.

Those stories and your desire will not be denied.

You know fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, right? Of those who stay together, some last. But in some large number of that lasting group, two unhappy people are ignoring their unhappiness.

That’s no fun. Life is supposed to be fun. Part of that fun includes your trans-attraction.

Your trans-attraction isn’t about you alone. It’s also about every person with whom you interact. Most important, your trans-attraction is about those transgender women (or men) you find yourself attracted to.

That’s because you add to others’ lives as others add to your own. You help people you’re drawn to. You do that by loving them and appreciating them. Loving and appreciating them in the open.

When you do, that love and appreciation returns to you. You love yourself more. You have more fun. You have better relationships.

Your trans-attraction holds great benefit for you. As it does for others. Ignore it and the benefit eludes you.

You can’t hide

The moment I chose living authentically, not only did I find more transgender women in my life, I felt lighter and freer. No longer living a lie, life got easier.

Believe it or not, your wife and everyone else involved already knows you’re trans-attracted. Whether you’ve used words to tell them or not, they pick up on it through their inner knowing.

They don’t consciously know they know. They have a feeling. That feeling effects how they treat you, how they react to you, and how you react to them.

I once spoke with a married trans-attracted man whose marriage included arguments and drama. Both parties played their part. Both reacted to the other. Sure, there were surface level issues. But these issues didn’t warrant the drama. I told this guy his drama and arguments with his wife came from his inauthenticity. He said that felt true.

Partners know what’s going on. They don’t know they know, but they know. You can’t hide.

Your heart’s desire: She’s out there

Here’s what I know about being married to a cisgender woman while being transamorous. Maybe it will help you.

Compromising my trans-attraction felt shitty.
My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.
My wife knew something was up, her anger, frustration and dissatisfaction tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen until much later.
You’re going to be ok. But you must go all the way.

Ultimately you’re married to someone other than your heart’s desire because for some reason you think or thought your heart’s desire isn’t out there waiting for you. They are out there.

But your impatience had you compromise your dream. That’s what I did.

Or you believe you’re not worthy of having what you want. Mainly (likely) because others convinced you that what you want is wrong.

What you want is right.

What you get from marriage you can get outside it. If you really want to be married, marry your heart’s desire.

Do that and you’ll feed many birds with one scone. You’ll change the world. You’ll change. And you’ll change the world of a trans woman.

Just by being authentically you. Then you can be married…to a transgender woman.

March 16, 2020March 16, 2020

How to keep your heart from breaking

No_More_Broken_Hearts — Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.

Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?

Not necessarily.

No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.

My recent relationship taught me that. 😂👍🏾❤️

· · ·

Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.

Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.

But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.

I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.

For a while she appreciated all that.

Then it got too much for her.

Relationships are nice-to-haves

I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.

As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.

There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.

So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love is enough. As it pores through me, I become that. Pure love.

So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?

Good question.

Thoughts make reality

My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works

When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.

Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.

In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.

Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.

Unchecked, my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.

Untitled_Artwork 4 — Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.

Thoughts come from somewhere

Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.

Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.

So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.

That’s how it works.

I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.

Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.

So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.

No_More_Broken_Hearts 4 — Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)

Love happens best when alone

Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these on my other blog Positively Focused.

Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.

Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.

This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.

Untitled_Artwork 5 — You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.

So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.

She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety. A strange connection I thought, feeling anxiety when someone loves you.
She said our relationship would fail.

I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.

For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.

As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.

For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.

That’s what happened for me. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?

It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.

Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.

February 14, 2020

Destroying the chaser/fetish trans trope

leadership2 — Photo by Mercedes Mehling on Unsplash

Once I talked with a frustrated trans man. We interviewed him actually. He lamented how “dick centric” the gay community is and how gay men with vaginas have hard times dating. Or even having sex.

Gay men aren’t the only ones with a dick-centrism problem. A certain negative dick-centrism also dictates (dick-tates?) the transgender dating world’s focus on “chasers”: fetish men, presumably seeking casual encounters with “pre operative” trans women.

The Transamorous Network is central to this chaser conversation. The transgender community’s strong attachment and revulsion to “chaser behavior” may stem from a deep and equal revulsion some transgender women have about their pre-operative parts.

Don’t get me wrong: not all transgender women are so repulsed. But some are. Some men are too. A woman with a penis, for some men, just doesn’t compute. But for others, it’s as normal as anything.

We get emails from time to time from these men. Men who are shamed into obscurity for their attraction to women with penises. And men who are proud of their attraction. I know there are trans women too who have no qualms having a penis.

But the negative dick-centric narrative among transgender community members appears to be monopolized by those vocal trans women who may revile their penis. Then project their revulsion on to men who find women with penises desirable. Despite the vocal cries, these men’s desire is not dick centric. Well, it can be. At first.

But many men get past that, finding their trans-attraction a huge gift. Trans women are beautiful, smart, strong, and powerful after all.

It’s because of one such man that I’m writing this post. He made a comment today on one of our more popular, timeless posts on our website. His comment is so good, rather than paraphrase it, I’m pasting it here in its entirety. It does a great job making the case (and winning it, IMO) that women with penises are perfectly normal and men who love such women are too.

Why is it that only one type of preference in a woman’s genitalia is a fetish? A man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a penis has a fetish but a man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a vagina does not have a fetish? What’s the difference?

Are the men who are attracted to women with vaginas healthy and normal (since they don’t have a fetish) while those who desire a woman with a penis deviants and abnormal?

Given an attractive pre-op trans woman, many cis men would initially be attracted to her. However the vast majority of them will cease to have any interest in her once they know that she has a penis. Sad but true.

The men who remain attracted to her because she has a penis are then labeled as chasers with a fetish. Also sad and also true.

So who does that leave as potential mates for the transgender woman? The ideal man to whom genitalia is absolutely irrelevant when choosing a partner? While I aspire to be such a man, I do not believe that many of them exist in our present level of evolution. I have yet to meet the man that truly doesn’t care what is between a woman’s legs. Again, sad but true.

By labeling any man who is attracted to a woman with a penis as a chaser with a fetish, pre-op transgender women eliminate the entire pool of men who might be attracted to them. Who’s left?

I am not saying that men only care about what is between a woman’s legs in choosing a mate. However what is between her legs determines whether a man will even take the next step to get to know her. The fact is, the vast majority of men will dismiss a pre-op transgender woman without knowing anything else about her. For them, she has a penis, that’s it, end of discussion.

Why, then, should we eliminate the men who want to take the time to get to know a pre-op transgender woman and learn if there is a mental and spiritual connection? Nope, those guys have a fetish! They want a woman with a penis! Out they go!

One last question. As a pre-op transgender woman, why wouldn’t you want a guy who wants you exactly the way you are? I am in a relationship with a transgender woman who has never had any surgery nor taken any hormones. I wouldn’t change a hair on her head but then again, I must be a man with a fetish.

It’s interesting that many men who come into their transamory eventually begin thinking these kinds of thoughts, thoughts which broaden their perspective.

Our realities are created through thoughts we think. No thought is off limits. If you believe your penis is something you must get rid of in order to feel integrated, then go for it.

But there may be a thought you may not be aware of driving such desires: thoughts society wants you to think. Thoughts which define for us what being a woman is. I choose to choose my own definition as well as my own thoughts. So do many trans-attracted men.

I’m not suggesting every transgender woman keep their penis. I am suggesting that the transgender community is doing itself a great disservice by vilifying men who think trans women who have penises are marvelous. I would say this man agrees.

The path to expressing our leadership as members of the transgender community begins with letting go of self-loathing. That’s exactly what the “chaser” trope expresses. Let it go.

August 20, 2019September 10, 2019

A Member Meets His Match In No Time, Part 1

Untitled_Artwork 5

In only six sessions learning the The Transamorous Network match-making approach, a client of ours created the perfect relationship with his ideal transgender partner.

In this post and the next, I’ll dissect what happened. This is how it can happen for anyone. In the next post, I’ll detail what happened next.

Joe (not his real name), contacted The Transamorous Network through our free 1:1 offer. Like many clients, he desperately wants a relationship with a transgender woman. Desperation is not a great place from which to meet someone.

But it is a great place to examine your stories. And how your reality reflects back to you stories you’re telling.

Information Joe got from the free 1:1 convinced him our match-making service worth the money. So he became a member.

• • •

The first few sessions involved exploring stories producing behaviors he didn’t like. He frequents working girls (both trans and cis) late at night or in early morning dark hours. Like many trans-attracted men.

Some of these girls were/are drug-addicted. Others treated him like shit. Others treated him nicely. He has a mix of experiences reflecting his mix of stories about relationships and life, and women too. Both transgender and cisgender.

We explored how his stories create these experiences. Joe realized stories he didn’t know he had. Stories triggering desperation he felt about finding a partner. The same stories creating his experiences with women, including the kinds of women he met.

Desperation isn’t new to Joe. Some times in his life desperation (and the associated emotion “pain”) got so intense he contemplated suicide. Alongside relationship desperation, Joe also feels desperation about his life, his job and about himself. Stories triggering these feelings include one common to A LOT of people. Especially trans-attracted people. That story is “I’m not worthy of having what I want.”

• • •

We know at The Transamorous Network stories run deep. They connect with other stories, creating “belief constellations” or “story complexes” weaving through and shaping life experience.

It wasn’t surprising then when I found through our next sessions that Joe’s mother herself was and may still be drug addicted. She also had a working girl past.

No one comes into life experiences that are “too much to handle”. Everyone chooses the experience they get before they get it. Hardly anyone understands this.

At The Transamorous Network, we help people understand why and how that is. Then we show them how to use that awareness to get joy and satisfaction from life and relationships. The same joy and satisfaction they knew they would get when they chose human life experience.

Our stories create our reality. This includes stories we tell before becoming human. These stories set up birth circumstances. Yes, that includes being trans and trans-attracted. It also includes the parents we choose.

I explained why a person like Joe would come into the world through a parent who has sex work and drug addiction as part of her life experience. I described how those experiences create momentum. And how that momentum creates the reality he has. It wasn’t an easy conversation. But Joe got it.

Untitled_Artwork 4

We always say when you pull at one story, many others get uncovered. By our fifth session, Joe realized more long-running stories. Stories about his unworthiness as a person. Stories about how the transwomen he wants won’t accept him for who he is and what he has (and doesn’t have). Stories about feeling stuck in his job. Feeling shame about where he is in life.

In other words, stories a lot of humanity secretly shares. Stories you probably share.

What’s great about this work is, once stories get uncovered, sometimes they start resolving on their own. They kind of lose their grip when exposed to the light of conscious awareness. Automatically, again in some cases, new stories get born from that exposure. Those new stories can create explosive positive results.

That’s what happened to Joe.

• • •

Before our sixth session, Joe texted me. He said he needed to cancel our meeting. I asked why. He explained he met a transgender woman, was going on a daytime date with her and was excited about the potential. A daytime date was unusual for Joe. As I said, he typically meets transgender women at night.

Screen Shot 2019-09-02 at 13.44.59 PM

“Yes I’m actually hanging out with a new trans woman friend of mine,” he said via text. “We met Tuesday and hung out a couple of times and have been talking since. I like her a lot. She’s treats me well.”

I wasn’t surprised by this. This is how things work when someone starts seriously looking at their stories. But I was also concerned about Joe.

That’s because Joe got results we promise. But he doesn’t know something important. His old stories are still active in his life experience. So it’s a sure bet this transgender woman he met has her own stories. Stories matching Joe’s stories. Stories she may not be aware of.

So I clued him in:

remember

Joe responded that he already has been seeing some of those signs. That’s why, he wrote, “I’m working to be the best version of myself. The work that you and I are doing is working!!! 😀”

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Joe said when they first talked, they realized they both needed each other.

“I know the Universe orchestrated our meeting,” he wrote. “I was finishing up at a warehouse where I picked up a load and she was finishing work around the same time and we were really near one another….”

Screen Shot 2019-09-02 at 13.46.23 PM

Joe added that he already can see how his stories about transgender women have changed because, he said, “along with being very kind and cool person, she has a good job, makes good money and has a nice place in a nice neighborhood.”

Indeed.

We know our approach is out of the box. That’s why we guarantee our results. Joe’s example is normal. Anyone can meet their match and enjoy a relationship that works for them. It just takes changing your stories so that you can meet the person you want. The person who is waiting for you. Your perfect match.

May 16, 2019

The Trans-Chaser To Transamory Journey: What It Looks Like

There are a lot of women who are transgender who believe men who are interested in them are nothing but guys wanting to fulfill a fantasy or use them as a fuck toy. We here at the network have always said that is the case. But only for those women who tell such stories.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to these women, there are literally tens of thousands of men who are interested in transgender women for who they are. These trans-attracted men, like any other group of human beings, are not homogenous. So you’re going to find all kinds of people who are trans-attracted. But for the women seeking a cis-trans relationship with a man, this group would be the best group from which to find a guy. Why? Because they will accept you as you are: A woman yes. But also transgender.

“But I don’t want someone who accepts me because I’m transgender, I want someone who accepts me because I’m a woman.”

You’ll find those kinds of guys in this group too. The story expressed above though is a negative one, one that indicates a reluctance of the speaker to accept who and what she is. So long as that story remains active, it’s very hard to meet the guy who will accept her as a (transgender) woman.

Now, if all these men I’m talking about are prime candidates for transgender women, why do so (seemingly) many treat transgender women like shit? Well, I’ll answer that question first with a question: Why are there so many guys who are interested in cis-women that treat cis-women like shit?

That’s a really deep question. Because there really is no difference.

Which brings me to a model we have here at The Transamorous Network which explains the process by which trans-attracted men become trans-attracted. Not every one follows this general model. But for many, this process is very clear. It accurately describes the process men go through in their trans-attraction journey.

Men who find themselves in this model, just like transgender people, come into the world with this attraction already “baked” into them, in the same way straight people come into the world with their “straightness” baked in. So there is a self-discovery process. That process for many men IMO is represented by what I see as several distinct steps: discovery, trans attraction, exploration (some call this stage “chasing”), refinement, acceptance, then transamory.

“Trans supportive”, in the model I’m proposing, is a transcendence of the process, because it can be an attitude (and accompanying behaviors) parents may have for a transgender child for example. Trans supportive therefore, is not so much about romance and physical or sexual attraction as it is a desire to serve others.

So I see trans attraction as an early stage in a man’s transitional process; transamory as the mature stage and trans supportive as a highly advanced stage of relationship to the transgender community. I would call “trans active” as the stage people like Troy, Jonathan, and myself are in. It is a highly-evolved form of trans supportiveness. So here are the stages explained: (HT to Troy Kennedy and the Transsupportive Brotherhood)

The chaser (Discovery/Exploration): The male discovers transgender women and his fascination with them. In the beginning it’s new, exciting and fresh. He is eager to sample this new delicacy. He jumps from woman to woman in these uncharted waters. He isn’t trying to make a romantic connection or any connection really. He may not be concerned if a woman gets attached to him because he’s seeing what’s out there. He’s exploring. He doesn’t realize that this may be a preference. He may even dabble with trans escorts because it’s exhilarating and the physical act of sex dominates his mind. He is also probably married or in a relationship with a cis woman and on the DL.

Trans attraction (Refinement). After an indeterminate amount of time in the first stage, the man begins noticing the type of people he follows on social media or in the news are trans women. His taste in porn is dominated by or exclusively that of trans women. He begins making connections both platonic and sexually with trans women. He starts going out on dates – as opposed to secretive flings – and spending more and more time with trans women. But he still has a bit of fear and trepidation at times when he’s out with a trans women. He’s gotten far enough into owning his interest, his baked-in attraction, he begins looking for connection.

Trans amorous (acceptance). Soon after the second stage, the man tires of playing the field or he meets a woman who stimulates him mind and body. A woman who, when he thinks about her, makes him smile. When he isn’t in her presence, he misses her. He wants to be with her and her with him. During this time, his eyes are open to a lot of the hate, oppression, violence and struggles trans women go through on a daily basis. He feels compelled to protect and love her. His family and/or children become involved. He also begins to notice and judge those men still in the chaser stage as being detrimental to transgender women. The man forgets where he comes from. He wants to do something to fix this problem, but doesn’t know what. Meanwhile, he may or may not come out to his wife or girlfriend. Or, the momentum of his stories will cause a flash-bang type event in his life, where he is forced out into the open. However that happens, his relationship is now at a turning point. But he’s not willing to turn back on this baked-in part of who and what he is. That’s trans amorous. In this stage, even though he may not realize it, he is having a profound effect on the world around him including the people in his life. The drama that ensues is temporary and ultimately proves to be beneficial for everybody.

After the transamory stage, some men may find themselves in the trans supportive stage. Here the death, violence, hateful legislation, misgendering and overall social conditions that trans women face bother him. He meets trans women and trans men who battle and fight for simple human rights. He looks at the DL guys and wonder how can they be so detached from the struggles trans folks go through, once again having forgotten where he came from. Others may remember and have a dose of compassion for both the men and women seemingly stuck in those cycles. He may be out and see a trans woman being harassed or hear a hateful conversation and act to shut it down. He begins to speak out publicly and privately for trans rights. He has developed genuine friends who happen to be trans women and he worries about them every day.

This four-stage model can be a useful tool for transgender women as they refine their search for a partner. It can be helpful in determining where the potential partner is coming from, where his head is at, and, potentially what to expect from his behaviors. Including whether he is willing to be “out” about his relationship with you.

Would love to hear reactions to this post. We’ll be further refining it as we go.