It’s easy finding our match when we understand that our stories determine who we’re meeting. This applies whether we’re transgender or trans-attracted.
But in this post, let’s look specifically at trans-attracted men looking for a transgender partner. What I’m sharing today applies equally to transgender women looking for a partner. In short, stories create reality. And when our stories contradict what we want, we can’t get what we want, no matter how hard we try. Not until we do something about the stories we’re telling.
For example, many trans-attracted men look for transgender women who will top them. This is an extremely triggering thing for many transgender women. But not all of them.
The reason some transgender women get triggered so strongly when guys express this legitimate desire, makes sense when we understand it. Some (not all) transgender women tell extremely disempowering stories about the penis that came with their male body. Such stories create equally extreme negative emotions. The psychological community calls these negative emotions “dysphoria”.
But all that’s happening is the woman is confronting all the stories in her head about her body AND what she knows herself to be. She’s focusing on what she doesn’t want (the penis) instead of what she wants. Doing so, she amplifies the negative experience. So uncomfortable the amplification can get, that she literally might want to cut her penis off. Or commit suicide. Or she might vomit any time she has a penis-stimulated orgasm. Like this transgender woman explains:
Self-loathing meets itself
Meanwhile, trans-attracted guys experience similar situations. His negative stories about his attraction for transgender women causes in him equally strong negative emotions. So instead of embracing what he wants and thinking about what he wants in a positive way, he will amplify his own discomfort. Do that long enough and he, too, will consider suicide.
Yet, the guy can’t deny his attraction because it is an innate part of who he is! Just as the transgender woman can’t escape the fact that she is trans. Even if she’s 100 percent deep stealth. See where this is going?
The transgender woman focuses on her hatred of her penis. The guy equally struggles with his trans attraction. At the same time, both want a relationship. So what should we expect happens? Of course, these two people will find each other because they are perfect matches, reflecting to each other their own lack of self-acceptance combined with their matching desires. It’s not rocket science!
It’s no wonder the guy’s intense negative focus causes him to express, to the trans woman, however clumsily and even insensitively, his desire to be topped or to suck a dick. He has no consideration for how the trans woman might be feeling about her penis. He’s too preoccupied. But get this: the transgender woman equally has no compassion for what the guy is going through either. For the same reason.
Both parties are oblivious to the other person’s experience. It’s no wonder a firestorm happens when these two come together. It’s no wonder neither has compassion for the other. Still, they are a perfect match! But that match is based in extreme negativity.
How to meet that better match
Getting out of this conundrum is simple. The answer for both parties is getting out of preoccupation with negative focus/stories. Then, instead, focusing on what each party wants. Not what they don’t want. This is harder to do than to explain. But every client I work with eventually gets there.
Meanwhile, trans-attracted male bottoms, plenty of women out there LOVE their penis. For your viewing pleasure, listen to two of them talk about it themselves. Here’s the first.Here’s the second. Both are categorized on YouTube as “age restricted”. So I can’t embed them here. By the way, there are plenty of men who prefer post-op women. Men who will fuck them like they fuck cis-gender woman. There’s a match for everyone, in other words.
Everyone can enjoy anything we want. It starts with sorting out our stories, then focusing on stories supporting what we want, instead of focusing on stories about what we don’t. Do that and our lives improve dramatically. Then eventually we’ll meet our matches. No exceptions.
But if we wallow in stories about things we hate, dislike, wish weren’t true, etc., we get stuck.
So many transgender women blame men for their dating experiences. I hear their complaints often through correspondence here at The Transamorous Network.
Meanwhile, I must sound like a broken record. I’m sure some roll their eyes when I say “you meet these kinds of men because you’re a match to them. Change the stories about men you’re meeting and you’ll meet different men. If you don’t, you’ll keep meeting these men you revile.”
Here’s a perfect example of a typical response I get:
Well, dear transgender women readers, if you won’t listen to me, perhaps you’ll listen to a fellow transgender woman. This person is not a client. And yet what she shares is exactly what I tell my clients repeatedly.
In a story she wrote for Halloween, she acknowledged her past experiences which showed her how she perfectly matched men she met. Not only does she describe it perfectly, she also acknowledges the fact: every transgender woman creates every situation they experience.
Indeed. And that includes men they meet. Here’s the author’s own words:
“…I was…attracting the wrong kind of men. It turns out that you get what you fish for. If you use trampy bait, you will get trampy men. If you’re advertising sex, men will expect it.”
The gold is within
In other words, who we’re being, creates experiences we get. If we’re getting a certain kind of man, we’re creating him. So the solution is do something about who we’re being. Complaining about what we’re getting won’t work!
This transgender woman shares so much gold. The story is worth reading in its entirety. In it she confronts her own stories, who she was being, and in doing so, she owns having created her past experiences. Then she changes who she was being, first by examining what stories she put out in the past, then conjuring new stories about what she wanted.
Is it any wonder this transgender woman is in a relationship? Here’s some more gold:
“What I need to consider is what do I want a man to see when he does notice me? What kind of man am I interested in? That just gets me back to understanding myself. What do I like and what do I want to call into my life? Do I want to call in a seedy one-night stand or a man who is interested in some deeper part of me? In my case, I decided on the latter.”
A human being is a powerful, eternal expression of All That Is. In that expression we enjoy full free will. We can create any experience we desire. No one else does it but us.
The question remains then: when transgender women blame men for their experiences, who really is to blame? Is there really blame to assign? Or is it really the case of an eternal being (the trans woman), having chosen to come into the world as trans, figuring out the best way to joy, but getting stuck in her shoddy creations?
Those are questions every transgender woman should seriously consider.
Many trans-attracted guys and transgender women ask me how to get love they want. Some aren’t ready for my answers. Others, become clients. Those folks not only live happier lives, they eventually get what they want.
They get a lover, or a job. They stop thinking of killing themselves. In short, they become happy.
Sometimes clients will ask why what they want isn’t happening. I tell them it is happening. When the client can’t see it happening, it means they’re telling stories which block their perception.
Whether we perceive our progress or not makes all the difference. Every thing we want does manifest. But often, important “manifestations” slip by our awareness. For example, most transgender women will not celebrate the thought “My joyful, attractive lover is on the way”. They’re too focused on not having that joyful attractive lover. Or they complain about men they’re meeting.
Chasers, scared guys and guys just looking for dick pics abound. When they fill transgender women’s dating lives, it’s easy thinking they’re the only men out there. It’s true for trans-attracted men too. When trans-attracted men can’t find a transgender woman who will take them seriously, or can’t find any in their area, it’s easy to say “there are no transgender women near me.”
The problem is whatever we look at or talk about becomes our reality. So when a guy shows up representing an improvement on the kinds of guys the woman usually meets, she’ll look at that guy through her past experience. She will look over the improvement. Then say “nothing is changing”, or, like a recent client: “I always meet these kinds of guys.”
And when a transgender woman appears in the man’s neighborhood, he’ll literally not see her.
Incremental improvement
Meanwhile, improvement, evidenced in the new guy, still exists. So does the transgender woman living in our neighborhood. Just because we don’t see them, doesn’t mean they’re not real. But if our perception stays stuck on past negative experience, then for all intents and purposes, they’re not real. We’ll keep creating more negative experiences instead of seeing what we want coming true.
Which explains why so many transgender women and trans-attracted men struggle with everything from negative self image to negative dating experiences. Or no dating experiences at all. Loneliness, depression and sadness or dismal online dating results all indicate chronic focus on past negative experience.
But something cool happens the moment a transgender woman or trans-attracted guy changes their perspective. In that moment, a new dimension shows itself. In that new dimension, improvement shines everywhere. It was always there. But with our changed perspective, we now see it. We see our men getting better. And we start seeing transgender women everywhere.
We change our perspective through stories we tell about what we’re looking at. So long as we tell stories about things we don’t like, we keep seeing those things. We keep experiencing them too. But when we focus on improvement and talk about how improved our life becomes, we support more improvement showing up in our perspective.
Anyone can find that partner they want (Photo by Caleb Ekeroth)
Evidence abounds
For example, one of my clients, who I’ll call Karen, dates exclusively online. These days she only does so when feeling lonely or depressed. That’s improvement. Another improvement though, shows up in men she’s meeting. Karen is on her 52d week of practice. She’s improved her stories a lot. But she still has many other stories needing cleaning up.
Nevertheless, she acknowledges small improvements in men she meets online. She really wants to meet men in person. But for now, the story “I can’t find a man locally” dominates her attention. So she doesn’t notice when men compliment her or strike up conversations with her, which they do often whenever she goes out.
Karen didn’t agree when I told her men she meets online have improved. After detailed analysis, however, she couldn’t disagree. The men still ghost her. Or they are early in their trans-attraction and thus unwilling to meet in person. But Karen had to agree, they improved in terms of their willingness to talk with her, the things they had in common with her, and how they treated her.
Noticing incremental improvement is crucial. That’s because that’s how all manifestations happen, including relationship manifestations. It’s also crucial because noticing that improvement adds momentum behind the improvement. Without noticing the improvement, or worse, noticing no improvement, we perpetuate what we’re getting; whether that’s sucky men, crazy transgender women, or no relationship nibbles at all.
Getting what you want can be hard when we keep looking at what we don’t want. (Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash)
How to not get your true love
Appreciating incremental improvement also holds back impatience. Impatience happens when we overly focus on the relationship we want. We recognize it’s not there. Then lose sight of the incremental improvement. Impatience tells us we’re creating a reality we don’t want. Usually that means more of what we now have.
It’s also important knowing what “manifestations” look like. Impatience is a manifestation. So is recognizing the impatience. Doing something about it is a manifestation too. Appreciating ourselves for doing that is too. It’s important to understand everything is a manifestation. It’s important because even an emotional improvement is progress. And going from impatience to appreciation represents an improvement.
Anyone wanting a relationship they think they can’t have stands amidst manifestations telling them something they really want to know. Those manifestations include negative emotions they feel while standing where they stand. I help clients practice everything I shared in this post. Not only do clients live happy lives as a result, they also eventually find the guy or girl of their dreams.
It doesn’t happen in an instant. It happens gradually. The good news is, on the way to that ultimate relationship, my clients find their lives becoming increasingly happier. Want what they have? Contact me.
I wrote the following to a client but it applies generally to all trans and trans-attracted people:
Remember Susan (not her real name). You’re not on the way to any goal. You’re greatest joy is in authentic expression. You came to earth because you knew that. So that’s what you’re here for: Every moment expressing who you are…and by doing so improving the world. You, just like everyone else, got stuck in conditions you chose. You chose them because they offer the best combination of “what is” and what you want. So condemn nothing, including yourself, where you are, your job and everything else. Instead, find beauty and joy in everything and you’ll gradually come into your full, glorious, authentic expression.
This transgender woman took that advice then created her professional photography career. She is now off to a great start in that field.
The same thing can happen for any transgender person. Great joy awaits each person, trans or trans-attracted. That’s why we all choose to come into physical life. Because we knew it would be a wonderful, joyful experience.
Why doesn’t it look that way?
But nearly all of us get off track when we come into the world. That happens because the world is full of ideas running contrary to what’s really happening. People who came before us forgot what they knew before getting here. So they’re afraid, insecure in themselves and worried about all kinds of things.
We can’t get here except through other people. When we come that way, we also can’t help but adopt their insecurities, fears and worries as our own.
So, just like them, we try fitting in. We try to belong somewhere. We try becoming something we’re not. But why? Why do we do that?
It’s scary feeling alone. It’s scary not fitting in. But that scary feeling exists to remind us what we knew when we decided to come here. It reminds us that we’re worthy. It reminds us that we’re powerful beings who came for the joy. We came for the joy, to stand out, not fit in. But we came for so much more also.
We all get off track on the way to the joy we knew awaited us. Some never get back on track. If you’re reading this, though, you can get back on track. Do that and you’ll find the joy you knew awaited you here.
Love, happiness and joy is everyone’s birthright. Especially transgender and trans-attracted people. But when we listen to others or society and adopt their beliefs, it’s easy to get off track. (Photo by Sherise VD on Unsplash)
The joy is in uniqueness
We came here for that joy but also to move humanity and the world into places its never been before. That’s the purpose of all creation: becoming more than it is at any given time.
Being transgender and trans-attracted offers that expansion into more. But that expansion depends on transgender and trans-attracted people living authentically. That means standing out. That means accepting one’s unique place in the world, taking up space as that, and proudly expressing one’s authenticity in the world.
It’s easy to instead try to “fit in”. A lot of societal pressure will try to keep authentic beings from their authentic lives. But for those who dare, for those who live life their way, life will support their authenticity.
Living any other way is compromise and bound to end in dissatisfaction. That’s why so many people, regret their lives. Or they live lives of anxiety with a nagging that says “is this all there is to life?”
There is far more to life. Having that “far more” requires living authentic, original expressions of what we are, trans and trans-attracted. It requires expressing our uniqueness.
Expressing joy: a prerequisite
Like attracts like. Many people struggle with this. Especially trans and trans-attracted people. Getting what one wants requires becoming a match to that. That means, to enjoy a life of love and passion with someone who accepts one as one is, one must FIRST ACCEPT WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE. The best indicator of how much one accepts themselves is the amount of joy they feel.
Joy often comes fleetingly through people’s lives. Rarely does it hang around. Usually, it comes in surprising flashes, seemingly out of the blue. Boredom, annoyance, frustration, dissatisfaction and anxiety represent many people’s default life conditions. Such conditions exist in great quantities in the trans community, including among trans-attracted people.
But for those who make joy their objective, those people’s lives will reflect joy back to them. That must include joyful people. And it must also include joyful love.
So joy is the go-to place from which everything everyone wants arrives. The greatest joy comes from that experience wherein one loves themselves for EVERYTHING they are. Including the life they have, however it looks.
Find that kind of joy and relationships and love from others becomes irrelevant. Ironically, when one finds that place, love and relationships come easy because the person matches what they want. See? That’s the paradox.
To get what one wants, one must make themselves a match to it. For transgender and trans-attracted people, that means proudly living as trans and trans-attracted. Doing that is simple. But getting there takes practice because most of us don’t live authentically.
It’s so fun watching transgender women and trans-attracted people using stories to create their love lives. I love participating in that unfolding. When such people find their power, they realize they can create what they thought was impossible. Then their lives get really fun.
Of course, everything is possible. The only things keeping some things impossible are stories people tell. “That’s impossible” is a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Things change though when someone discovers they stand at the center of the Universe. There they realize they create everything around them. Including all the lovers they want…or the lack thereof.
Stories are powerful
A transgender client’s personal experience showed how powerful, or disempowering, stories can be. She started practicing with me 36 sessions ago. Last week, something happened that amazed her.
During those 36 weeks, Jennifer (not her real name) uncovered many disempowering stories. They included stories about dating, about men, about men’s intentions. But they also included stories about Jennifer herself. These included stories like the following:
I’m not good enough to get what I want
I’m too fat to get the guy I want
Men only want me for sex
I’m too old
Time’s running out for me to find a guy
I never can find the right guy I want
These stories together created Jennifer’s reality. What did that reality look like? One where men she met wanted her for sex, or for photos of her genitals. Several often called her, but only when drunk. They demanded sexually explicit texts, wouldn’t talk on the phone and when Jennifer pushed the issue, they would ghost her. Others made promises to meet in person, only to disappear later.
No wonder Jennifer created negative stories about dating, about men and about men’s intentions.
It’s not that her stories weren’t true. After all, she formed many of them from past experience. But if Jennifer wants what she wants, she can’t expect to get it while telling stories about what she doesn’t want, no matter how true they are.
Stories are powerful. They can create more of the same. Or they can create what you want.
Choose: get what you want or be right
Jennifer had a choice. She could tell true stories and be right. Or she could tell stories about what she wants and get that.
For example, one story she had about men was “I’ll never meet a nice guy locally”. Every guy she had met, she met through OKCupid. Desperation had her using online dating. No matter how many times I told her online dating works terribly, she kept using it.
That’s because she also believed it was the only way she met men. See how stories create reality? Her stories about not meeting local guys had her believing she could only meet men online. So that’s how she met them. And, the men she met there showed up consistent with her other stories. Especially stories about herself.
The online experience only amplified her frustration, which in turn reinforced her stories about men, her datability and her belief that she’d never meet the guy she wanted.
Again, Jennifer can’t tell stories about her past and get what she wants. Instead, she must tell stories about what she wants. That’s what we focused on in the ensuing 36 sessions.
A lot of transgender women would rather be right than get what they want, which is why they end up sad, bitter and alone. (Photo by Caleb Ekeroth)
Evidence starts proving it works
Over time, Jennifer’s new, empowering stories started creating realities consistent with themselves. It was rough going at first. Often Jennifer reinforced her old stories more than energizing new, more empowering ones.
However, there’s something cool about telling positive stories. Such stories enjoy enormous creative potential. You see, the Universe wants everyone to enjoy what they want, no exceptions. So when someone lines up with what they want by telling positive stories about it, they become a match to that. Then, that person gradually starts seeing evidence of what they want showing up everywhere.
That’s what happened with Jennifer. For example, men started waving at her as she walked down the street. Every time it happened, she said, she looked behind her to see if the guys were waving at someone else. Nope, they waved at her.
Or the male barista at the drive up kiosk would chat Jennifer up, where before he would ignore her. Another time a gas station attendant complimented her nails. And another time, a male restaurant sever paid particular attention to her as he attended the table she sat at with friends.
Ordinary people chalk these examples up to “coincidence” or some other logical explanation. But there’s no such thing as coincidence and logic has nothing to do with it! Everything happens on purpose. The purpose is reflecting back stories one tells about what’s happening.
The more Jennifer got this, the more such instances happened.
Evidence grows more insistent
Until one day while walking her dog at the local dog park, a man who also had his dog approached her. He said hi and Jennifer returned the greeting. They enjoyed a nice conversation while their dogs played. Afterward, the guy said “Oh, dude, I gotta go. I’m late.”
Now Jennifer interpreted that as the guy misgendering her. We don’t know what his intentions really were, but I told her telling such a story was not in her best interest.
“It’s better to make up a story that you feel better about,” I said.
“Like what?” She asked.
“Like ‘the guy was using “dude” like some people do. It’s just a figure of speech, like an exclamation”,” I replied.
At first, Jennifer didn’t like that new story. But after some cajoling she admitted it felt better than the knee-jerk story she wanted to tell.
I told her telling such stories would create the next evidence that would knock Jennifer’s socks off.
And that’s exactly what happened next.
Every transgender or trans-attracted person can enjoy a relationship that knocks their socks off. Unless their stories run contrary to having that enjoyment. (Photo by Jeremy Bishop)
It bowls you over
Jennifer had other stories not related to men and dating. These needed attention too. The combination of stories, what I call a Belief Constellation, creates everyone’s reality. Jennifer’s constellation included many negative stories about her work and her manager. Those stories kept Jennifer on edge, defensive and feeling like a victim.
Feeling on edge, defensive and victimhood makes one a match to situations that exacerbate feeling those ways. And not just work situations, dating situations too. That’s why we needed to soothe Jennifer’s work stories too.
That took a while, but the better Jennifer felt, the more she wanted to do the practice. In time, evidence at work convinced her more and more her new stories were working.
Her boss complimented her more and more. She gave Jennifer more responsibilities. When Jennifer announced she was looking for openings in other departments, her manager offered to reclassify her job so she could get more pay. Finally, her manager came out and told Jennifer how much she valued her and how much she wanted Jennifer to stay.
Evidence at work was bowling Jennifer over. It amazed her that simply telling positive stories could literally change her relationship with her boss!
Then one day Jennifer texted me from work telling me how a process I taught her – called PRE-PAVING – helped change her work experience. In the text, she misspells it as “preparing”:
Then it happened
Riding on that positive momentum created what happened next. Jennifer felt good about changes happening at work. So much so, she softened on the idea that she couldn’t meet men in person. She started acknowledging evidence showing she was meeting men. It’s just that she hadn’t soothed negative stories enough to have such men approach her in person.
That all changed rather suddenly.
A few days after a remarkably powerful session, Jennifer sent me a text. It was awesome:
Many layers prove how powerful this experience was for Jennifer. For one, she didn’t have to do ANYTHING to meet this LOCAL, GORGEOUS guy other than follow her intuition to take Rocco out for walk. Second, there’s NO WAY ON EARTH she could have deliberately sought out this guy. It could only happen this way, a perfect orchestration of her unfolding reality.
Third, the guy did all the work. He approached her and initiated a conversation. But most of all, what’s super awesome about this rendezvous, is through it, Jennifer realized yet another story she needs to clean up.
“He’s out of my league.”
However, even though that happened, she still had an experience totally contrary to EVERY experience she had in the past.
Every encounter a stepping stone
It’s really important at the point of receiving this experience that Jennifer enjoy the experience. Negatively judging herself does no good. Neither does harsh self-criticism about not doing something she thought she should have done. Everything worked perfectly here because this rendezvous wasn’t meant to be the perfect match or the perfect lover.
What it was, was an experience clarifying for Jennifer where she is on the path to becoming the perfect match to her perfect lover. How else will she know what disempowering stories remain in her constellation, if she doesn’t get to see her constellation in action? This experience worked perfectly.
It encouraged her. It created more desire in her. The fact that it happened gladdened her, inspiring her to the possibility that more such experiences can happen. It was a local connection! Something she thought impossible. And it showed that gorgeous men show interest in her.
So many disempowering stories got a dose of positivity just through this one experience. And so long as she remains in all these powerfully positive interpretations, Jennifer makes herself a match to more such experiences in the future.
Every client gets it
I love it when these kinds of things happen for my clients. Every client enjoys this kind of progression on their way to the love, the life, their greatest desires.
Everything is possible. Including having a relationship matching one’s wildest dreams. Nothing stands in the way of whatever anyone wants other than stories a person tells that are contrary to what’s wanted.
Clean those stories up though and watch how remarkable life gets.
Life is a wish-granting jewel. No matter what one wishes for, one can have it. One only need become a match to it, then draw that which is wished for to them as they hold themselves as a match to it.
I show clients how to do that. It’s easy, it’s fun and it works. Every time. You ready for your true love, your version of the wonderful life Jennifer’s creating? I can help.
