Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
Hi, I am a man. 26 years old and I like your show. I am a black cisgenderman and I am open to date genetic woman and transwoman.
I am also a french canadian so sorry if my message has a lot of mistakes. I have a question for you. I live in Montreal (canada), and it is not rare to see trans kids. I mean by that kid who start their transition before they become a teenager(for example at the age of 10). Do you consider these kids as transgender?
The reason I say that is because, if they transitionning as kids… they never really have the experience of a woman for example. From what I understand, when a person begins his transition as a child, This person is less likely to be bullied. The kids hang out with his females friends, everybody know her as a girl and her friend accept her. They are also more likely to have a boyfriend in high school and more likely to be a lot more confident about themself than a transwoman who transitioning later in her life.
The biggest challenge according to a report I saw, It is when they are teenager and begins to be a little less feminine (no breast, beard, man’s build etc). In my opinion, it is difficult to say that transkids are transgender
Thank you.
Franco
Hi Franco,
Thanks for your comment. Your question is a good one and we don’t have a real answer for it.
It seems it’s up to the child to identify themselves as trans (or not). We’re not big fans of labels anyway. In the future, far in the future, the label “transgender” will probably disappear along with, maybe, things like “male”, “female” and all the baggage that goes along with all that. Seems like that’s where we’re headed.
And when we get there, we think humanity will realize that it is all just part of being “human”.
Thanks for asking your question and being part of the conversation.
Fascination grows in me the more I work with trans and trans-attracted people. There’s no such thing as homogeneity anywhere. That includes trans and trans-attracted populations.
Not all transgender women, for example, believe an “inner female is struggling to get out” of me. I get how a trans person might feel that way. What I’m seeing though tells me that statement says more about how the speaker sees the world than it describes what’s happening.
I’m realizing there is no “male” or “female”. There’s just what is. I wonder if, when a trans woman says something like “I feel like a woman”, what that really is is a statement approximating what they feel, compared to what they see. They see people they resonate with, who appear “female”, so they conclude that’s what they are.
Transgender dissonance
I attended a discussion group at my local Q center. Some transgender attendees confided their bafflement over how out-of-place they felt in their transitioned gender. Both transgender men AND trans women in this group described how different cis-men and women were from them.
The speakers found it difficult relating to dynamics within and among these groups, indicating perhaps that the speakers were not “male” or “female” as they thought they were, but instead were something different. Something more.
Three experiences, two with clients and another with someone I spoke on the phone yesterday adds more complexity.
My first client enjoys creating a future in which he expresses a wonderful gender blend. He relishes expressing combinations representing traditional “male” and “female” social markers: breasts, a peak-toned, muscular, yet slender physique, hairless scalp, eyeliner, and a delicate frilly blouse and skirt. He will pull it off too. He looks good. This client rejects the idea of “a woman trapped in a man’s body” he hears so much among transgender women he hangs with. He feels being trans is more than that.
I agree.
The other client clearly expresses feminine traits, yet she rejects her developing breasts. In her best moments, she relishes her expression somewhere between “male” and “female” too. She’s impatient to have her Adam’s apple reduced, but likes other features marking her as “male”. Her authenticity conflicts with her dating stories: she believes most men look for “women”. They’re not interested, she believes, in someone somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.
I totally disagree, of course. Matches exist for every expression.
so, upheld how diverse “transgender” really is. He knows himself as trans, yet doesn’t dress en femme as much as he wears “men’s” clothes. He is calm with where he is. Not a single transitionary step piqued his interest yet. And while he enjoys attention and conversation with trans-attracted men, he doesn’t enjoy anal sex. That’s quite a perspective.
More are on the way
An intuitive hit tells me our age now allows all kinds of expressions, especially when it comes to presenting gender and orientation, but not only that. Social churn we’re seeing today I believe stems from humanity growing through greater clarity. It knows there’s more to what we as humans allowed in the past. More diversity, not less, is on the way. In that, there’s not only no binary, there’s no right way.
I think about the person I talked with on the phone. I thought how he will meet men who will find attractive his desire to present sometimes as male, sometimes as a woman. A match exists for everyone.
That conversation prompted this post. He said, it’s hard finding people to befriend, even though he lives in Los Angeles, a Mecca of sorts for LGBT people. He said he feels uncomfortable and alone because he doesn’t see anyone like him: people who share his perspective, his unique expression focus.
Trans is a leading edge
Perhaps that’s because he’s here to lead the way? What if by virtue of living his authentic life, he made space for others to do the same?
Maybe the one reason this guy sees no examples of who he feels he is is because society is only just now opening its eyes to humanity’s authentic expression: it’s never been about “male” and “female”.
So while a lot of people rail over and push against society about how “trans women are WOMEN”, that doesn’t even begin to tell the whole story.
Trans people are divine, eternal beings. Like all people, they can’t be put in ANY kind of box.
Let them be free. If you’re trans or trans-attracted free yourself. “Gay or straight” is a box. “Trans women are women” is a box. No matter how comfortable one may feel it.
Free yourself and watch how great diversity that is you shines, and in that shining you’ll shape humanity to more truly reflect All That Is. Doing that you’ll not only find freedom, you’ll find joy too.
Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
I confess that I’m a bit confused about how your service works. I am an older, respectful gentleman who has found that trans women have a strong personal appeal for a range of reasons. I live near NYC and hope to build a relationship, but can’t envision that any daily life instruction would assist me in meeting a prospective partner, but I’m open to hearing more.
Thank you.
Jeff
Hi Jeff,
What we offer is out of the norm. So people don’t understand what we offer because they are trying to understand it from comparing it to things they know….
We offer a way that connects you with your ideal partner, with no ambiguity or chance of failure. If you’ve read our blog or watched our shows, you know we talk a lot about “stories” – beliefs each person holds – and how those stories shape life experience. Inevitably people have stories that determine what they expect. What they expect then determines what happens in their life.
If you examine the thoughts and beliefs of trans-attracted men and trans women, you’ll find many stories that make it hard for quality members of each group to find quality members of the other group. Instead, what usually happens is, matches that happen reflect beliefs each group has about the other.
For example, a transgender woman who believes no man will want to be with her and also harbors beliefs that make her feel insecure will only meet men who themselves are insecure and want her only for sex.
We work with our clients through weekly conversations to expose such stories . Then we show the client how to tell stories consistent with experiences they’re wanting to have. In that way, they become a “match” to those desired experiences. Including meeting their ideal match.
So we offer weekly instruction (not daily) wherein we show clients how to create experiences they want, including meeting ideal mates. That’s our “match-making” process.
A transgender woman shared words of wisdom I impart to my clients around the world. Her words tell what so many trans and trans-attracted people miss about themselves, their relationship to others and the world around them.
While talking about the future, why we met, how we met and more, Jennifer (not her real name) said the following:
Another way to see [life as it is now] is [as] the great split in humanity seeking toward transcendence. One side via spirituality and the other side via science and technology. One side more spiritual/consciousness based and the other more materialist based. They are both seeking… the same thing in many areas. Both profoundly human. In a way the materialist/technological is how the spirit is made flesh – how it is made manifest even to those that can’t see or even want to deal with the spiritual side at this time. I think the two great arms of human yearning/seeking complete and fulfill each other. I think that is one reason I am here – to point to why that is so and some hints as to how to do it. Another bridging.
Just before writing this post I shared similar, destiny-type guidance to a client struggling between their desire to express their non-binary, GenderFuck nature, and storiesabout their desire that turn their desire into a fetish – something perverse, taboo and scary.
I had a lot to say:
Every trans person (and trans-attracted person) comes into the world with specific, core desires. Every one of these should conjure joy, ecstasy and well-being. Unlike my clients, many don’t get the joy, ecstasy and well-being of their desires.
Instead, they get anguish, frustration, confusion, shame and embarrassment. They get stuck in disempowering stories. Then those stories create realities consistent with themselves. Before they know it, their lives suck.
Since they don’t know what I share with my clients, these people think their reality is objectively real, separate and from themselves. They don’t know they create their reality.
So they point to their reality and blame it for how they feel, not knowing how they feel points to real culprit: their stories.
Jennifer stands out from this crowd. She mostly gets who she is. She’s moving in directions that will change lives for the better, by putting herself out there in the world as the person she knew she came into the world to express. That doesn’t make Jennifer perfect. But it does make her aware of something powerful: her ability to impact the world.
My client sees that opportunity too. Showing them that ecstasy they feel when they feel their breasts growing, or when they put on a dress tells them they are on their path.
All they have to do now is trust their feelings and keep moving forward. Then they will see what’s available to all trans and trans-attracted people: a life of continually increasing joy and….realization that they improve the world in their own unique way by being their authentic selves.
The world benefits with them in the world, just as it benefits with you in the world.
Live your authentic life, change the world. How? Tell stories consistent with your joy. Then watch what happens.
There’s no shame in trans attraction until someone who is trans attracted believes their trans attraction is wrong.
Think about that. When a person feels attracted to a trans woman, there’s just the attraction…at first. But then thoughts come “seemingly out of nowhere”.
These thoughts get thought all the time by friends, loved ones, society in general, and one’s coworkers. So much so the trans attracted person starts thinking them too, well before meeting a trans person.
I sure did.
These thoughts get thought so often, they become beliefs: societal beliefs, cultural beliefs, “stereotypes”, memes, jokes…
These beliefs activate sometimes when a man feels attracted to a trans woman. No one deserves blame for such beliefs. It doesn’t matter who started them, or where they came from. When they activate they are “what is” for the person having them. They are his truth.
A million “truths” exist for every topic though, so just because a man activates a belief in him doesn’t make that belief “true”. Unless the man believes it is true. When he does, when he believes the belief, then shame shows up.
Shame tells a person the thought just thought isn’t true. My clients learn this pretty early in their sessions. But understanding how emotions like shame work takes time. Why does it take time? Because people aren’t clear about why they have emotions.
Once my clients relearn this, they find they can create any reality they want, including a reality where they live their trans attraction proudly. First though old beliefs must go away.
When that happens, fulfilling relationships are foregone conclusions.
Something else happens though when shame and embarrassment, triggered by beliefs or stories, disappear: a new set of beliefs show up, beliefs like this:
I see how I was “that guy” treating trans women like objects
I see how my behavior probably caused trans woman to feel fetishized
I get how I contributed to the “chaser” story
Then new thoughts show up:
I want to be more supportive of trans women
I want to do my part be an ally
I want to share who I am so other guys gain confidence too
When thoughts like that show up, I know my client made progress in their own journey towards transamory. When that happens the trans community (and the world) is better off because of it.
