transamorous - The Transamorous Network

August 3, 2021June 26, 2021

How Following Happy Impulses Creates A Happy New Life

I created an awesome blessing last night (at the time of writing this). I listened to my inner guidance coming from my positive stories and discovered joy at the end of that journey. It was the most clear demonstration of what we say is possible at The Transamorous Network.

We say stories create reality and any story told often enough will create reality consistent with it. In addition to telling the story though, the story teller must also tune into impulses they receive, then act on them.

What do those impulses sound like? It depends on the listener.

How does one hear them? That question carries more weight than the former.

A client answered that second question during his Client session recently. He did so using a colorful analogy:

“In New Mexico, where I’m from,” he began. “We have massive hot air balloon festivals. Huge balloons of all shapes and sizes and colors fill the sky.”

Apparently these brightly colored rubber sacks come shaped like stage coaches, animals, houses and more. These festivals draw such balloons from miles around.

“When these balloons start out they stand where they are, in New Mexico,” my client said. “As they rise, they go straight up into the air, but they’re still in New Mexico.”

*Some crazy balloon types filling aerial balloon festivals.*

The stream carries them to their dream

But then they hit the air stream high above the ground, he said. The air stream carries each balloon on journeys fulfilling their purpose. The balloonists have a general idea where they’re going, but little control. My client made the connection:

“I see when I raise my perspective through telling positive stories, I feel better about where I am. My spirit rises, I connect with my Inner Being stream and my Inner Being stream carries me to the next wonderful place. Just like balloons get carried by the airstream.”

“I don’t know what that journey looks like,” He added. “But I do know the view will be beautiful, the journey joyful and when I land, I won’t be in New Mexico anymore.”

I loved this beautiful analogy comparing tuning into Inner Being awarensss to hot air balloons merging with Earth’s invisible airstreams. Those airstreams represent hearing one’s impulses.

Hearing them requires elevating my awareness to that of my impulse communication. The impulses exist. My job: elevating myself so I tune in.

For my clients and I, tuning in means telling positive stories about everything.

These days, tuning takes priority, over income, jobs and relationships. No kidding. My marriage ended because I prioritized my relationship with turning in over my wife, for example.

Most won’t do that. Which is why I’m having the life I’m having. Most don’t get everything they want comes through one relationship only: the one between bodily existence and one’s eternal, nonphysical existence. Human relationships give relatively little in comparison.

Anyway, these days, I’m so tuned in I hear impulses constantly. But just because I hear them, doesn’t mean I follow them… 🤷🏽‍♂️

Which is what prompted this post

Last night (at the time of writing this) I finished engaging in my wonderful daytime passions, creating content and leading my team at Copiosis, Creating video content for Positively Focused , and creating films and illustrations for Positively Focused. It was a glorious day I intended ending by watching something on Netflix.

*Catching God’s voice means tuning into God’s stream of consciousness. Just like balloons rising to Earth’s air streams. (Photo by* Aditya Vyas on Unsplash)

But I had a feeling something more wanted my focus, something more thrilling, more satisfying. So there I sat on my couch scrolling through Netflix, when I felt pressure to look over at my desk. My desk sits configured for content creation. On it sits a camera, stand and computer all ready to go.

One thing I created with this rig is a Positively Focused short film called Life is More Than Meets The Eye. Earlier in the week, through another impulse, I figured out how to turn my voice into the female voice I wanted narrating this short film. Other impulses diverted me, but now, I felt compelled to resume post production.

But I also wanted to watch something on Netflix!

I felt pressure in both directions, both I knew led to something good. I even sat there a good ten minutes feeling out both options. Heck, I even said out loud “I have mixed energy, I want to watch Netflix, but I also want to work on my short film.”

My impulses don’t tell me what to do. I am a free, eternal being after all. But they do clarify which path offers the most fulfillment. Any path leads to fulfillment eventually, so choosing is never a problem.

But some choices offer more fulfillment than others.

A Netflix fail leads to better

I decided I’d watch Netflix. I started a movie featuring Michael Peña called “Extinction”. It started ok, but the longer into it, the worse I felt. I still felt the “pull” of my film work. The impulse told me something more stood available over at my desk!

*My desk, configured for content creation.*

But determination to finish this movie compelled me while at the same time the film’s poor story line left me increasingly unsatisfied. Then one twist that caught my attention. From there, slight interest surfaced, but God’s voice kept urging me to my desk.

Finally, the movie ended. I surrendered, headed over to my desk and opened my editing software. The moment I engaged with my short film project, I felt something remarkable.

A HUGE energy surge welled up within me. I got totally immersed in my project. So much so I worked, and worked and worked! It was crazy!

The movie was 90 minutes long. Two hours after first sitting at my desk, I still wanted to continue. Only now, my Inner Being was sending different pressure: GO TO BED the feeling said. 😂 That message grew in intensity as 11:30 pm rolled around.

I give a name to moments like this. When I don’t heed the call of my Inner Being, but then go after a while, I call that going “kicking and screaming” toward where impulses want me to go. I want to go, but for whatever reason – stubbornness, inertia, or just laziness – I don’t.

Then, eventually I do.

In both instances that evening, finally surrendering showed me how profoundly satisfying following my impulses feels: When I woke the next morning, dreams and the ecstasy I felt from being in dream scape convinced me following impulses is always a good idea.

When doing it wrong creates right

I know now following that impulse ASAP is important. In many cases, when I get an impulse, acting immediately is crucial. That’s because, in those times, I’m the last of many “cooperative components” converging on a coordinate in time and space. Take too long and I arrive late to the rendezvous and miss the delightful surprise.

Tonight responding quick wasn’t so crucial. My film wasn’t going anywhere. My bed wasn’t either. But both proved excellent clarifying experiences. Through them I understood, with unmistakeable clarity, several lessons:

I can’t get it wrong. Fulfillment is available whatever I do, but some of what I choose contains more fulfillment than others.
Universe got my back. My Inner Being always leads me to what I want. I need to make sure though that I’m tuned into it and not something else, such as a belief that’s contrary to what my Inner Being knows.
The more I’m tuned in, the easier it is to hear impulses next time. Knowing what tuned in feels like opens doors to more of that feeling.
My passions, in this case expressing my art and my fascination with dreams, offer more satisfaction and joy than any other pursuit. Passions always contain delight. Other activities – maybe, maybe not. Certainly not as potent as my passions.

There’s still joy in watching Netflix. Apple TV too. Streaming services offer so much compelling entertainment. I know I can choose either path and find fun.

But it’s guaranteed fun will show up when I follow impulse guidance. So I make sure I do that more these days. And sooner than later.

July 27, 2021June 11, 2021

30 Questions To Get Good Love, Happy and Joy

At The Transamorous Network we show people how telling positive stories creates lives in which everything they want comes to them easy.

Tell enough positive stories and obvious evidence proves this true. That’s why we guarantee results. In time, something else happens. Clients see how easy life gets. They realize how inherently good the world is. They also realize how inherently good people are.

When they get there, life gets really fun. Until then, getting what they want, including love seems impossible. That’s why so many try (and often fail) getting what they want through action alone.

A 30 question test offers great insight

A friend recently created the following list. It offers 30 questions. Each question, when answered, tells readers where they stand.

The more questions answered incorrectly, the more getting what one wants feels hard. The questions, therefore offer tremendous insight. Not knowing these answers, you can’t know in which direction one’s fulfilled desires exist, nor can you know where you are relative to them.

Don’t worry, I’m going to give the answers. Answering the questions right or wrong isn’t where power exists. Power exists in knowing what to do when you answer a question wrong.

So here is the answer: yes

If a person can’t emphatically say yes to every question below, then a gap exists between what that person wants and what they’re getting. It’s that easy.

A transgender woman creating more of what she doesn’t want by reinforcing beliefs contradicting what she wants.

The power of belief shapes reality

A simple yes is not enough though. Desires fulfill themselves when one knows the answers are “yes”, not just agrees that they are.

Knowing, believing and thinking are distinct states. Everyone thinks. That’s the default. Think long enough about something and reality will prove that thought true. That’s why when a transgender woman thinks “all men are chasers” every man who approaches them turns out that way.

Seeing this evidence, the transgender woman reinforces her thought that “all men are chasers”. In time that thought becomes “true”. That’s why many transgender women think all men are chasers. This is true only for transgender women who think this.

With enough evidence, a transgender woman will believe what they think. Why wouldn’t they? Reality “proved” what they think. So the thought “all men are chasers” becomes a belief as more and more evidence proving the thought shows up.

In time, that thought, now a belief, recedes in the background. Evidence replaces “belief” and the “belief” becomes “reality”. At that point, the transgender woman knows all men are chasers. Also at that point, it’s very hard convincing her otherwise. Why? Because her reality matches her belief.

Chicken or egg. Which came first?

But she had the belief first. And before that, the thought. These created the reality. It’s never the other way around.

The fact that so many transgender women know all men are chasers proves what’s written here works. Although transgender women who believe this will deny that’s how they came to believe it.

Turning that reality where all men are chasers into a reality where “I get to have my man and eat him too!” takes some time. More than that though, a transgender woman (and a trans-attracted man) can not only have the lover she wants, she also can have EVERYTHING else she wants.

Having everything though requires knowing the answer to every question below is “yes”. So knowing “yes” as the answer requires seeing evidence everywhere. That’s why simple agreement isn’t enough.

These questions will challenge many beliefs. They also challenge many people’s realities. That’s because so many people have beliefs creating realities demanding these questions be answered with resounding NOs.

Until a person understands their reality springs from their beliefs, not the other way around, answering “yes” is impossible.

A trans-attracted man finding his center and thereby starting to create realities consistent with what he wants.

Joy starts with yes!

The joy inherent in knowing the answer is “yes” is what life is all about. Living lives of fulfilled desires is life’s purpose. That’s why when you’re having sex and loving it, you’re not screaming NO NO NO! You’re screaming YES, YES, YES! 😂😊🤣

So here are the questions:

Does abundance in all things exist?
Does well-being flow through all things?
Is evil an illusion?
Is scarcity an illusion?
Is control an illusion?
Do all circumstances work out for good?
Are negative beliefs a catalyst for positive growth?
Does everyone want a better reality?
Do we create our own reality?
Is everyone free?
Is progress an inevitability?
Can everyone have what they want?
Are all paradoxes resolvable?
Are the specific values of the individual aligned with the general values of the collective?
Are all conflicts illusory?
Is every perspective valid?
Is every perspective valuable?
Are humans inherently good?
Can humans be trusted?
Do humans want to be free from control/manipulation?
Do humans want well-being for themselves and for others?
Is humanity currently headed in a positive direction?
Do people want to live by their intrinsic motivations?
Do intrinsic motivations always lead to good things?
Is it okay to give up on something?
Does everyone have good intentions?
Can efficient and effective organizing structures emerge organically?
Does everything evolve?
Can “bad ideas” turn into “good ideas”?
Is it inevitable that every “bad idea” evolves into a “good idea” given enough allowance for intuitive inspiration?

Belief confrontations suck

If you’re having trouble, you’re not alone. Most people will not answer yes every time. Likely, you experienced extreme resistance to even considering the answer as yes.

That’s called a “belief confrontaton”. Your reality is so out of whack with the question’s answer, you can’t bear thinking the answer is yes. But the answer IS yes.

You can discover bliss in human being-ness by learning to see, then living from, what’s possible when you know the right answer.

That’s what my clients find. And when they do, life gets fun.

After all, who wouldn’t want a life full of desires fulfilling themselves? That’s what everyone in a physical body knew life could be like before they came.

Yes, even transgender people.

But many get stuck once they get here. That’s because they don’t remember what they forgot, the forgetting of which is a prerequisite to arrival.

You can remember. Everyone can. Are you remembering? If you aren’t, I can help .

July 20, 2021June 6, 2021

When Shame Kills Happy Trans-Attraction Love

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy. This letter and response are particularly long. We felt it important to include both the full letter and reply because it would help men like the person who wrote us.

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I feel very ashamed. Yesterday I had an encounter with a trans escort. I don’t feel proud of it because in some way I feel I contributed to the escort world, which is something against my values. I don’t want to justify it, but I realized I did it due to a buildup of tension over many years.

As a teenager I realized, accidentally, that porn featuring women with penises was the main category that turned me on. I felt really ashamed and avoided it for years, thinking it meant I was gay. I watched lots of gay porn to check, but it did nothing at all to me. I watched lesbian and heterosexual porn too. Those very rarely did something to me.

That was until one day at the university someone passed pictures of a trans woman with penis as a prank and realized again, that, instead of feeling disgust like my classmates, I was intensely turned on, even though I pretended to feel disgust like they did.

During my master’s degree I was in a long term relationship with a cisgender woman. And I actually enjoyed everything about it (including sex). But unfortunately we didn’t have the same vision of future and we parted different ways.

At that time I felt very low and sort of rediscovered porn. I realized that again, what I discovered happened to me during my adolescence still was happening. But I didn’t accept it. I felt it was related to a trauma I had to overcome or something similar, so I avoided the entire thing and suppressed my thoughts.

I have to admit that each time during my past year when I realized about it I would for a short period of time accept it as a possibility and even searched info on how transgender women lived lives, how transition felt for them, both emotionally and physically. I also read about challenges they face in everyday life and I empathized but I was scared about the idea of having that in my life.

At some point I accepted I maybe enjoyed porn featuring transgender women with penises. And let myself have sexual thoughts and reactions without doing anything about it. I didn’t feel I wanted to act on it but I felt I preferred to allow my body to feel instead of suppress.

I had one encounter with an escort. I didn’t feel much during it. So I left it at that.
After a long streak of unssuccessful dates for over 3 years with cis women in dating apps (with whom I didn’t connect). I stopped dating for a while. I went full monk mode. I spent half a year without doing anything sexual even alone. And for some reason I reconnected with a cisgender woman I met who I like and have been getting to know although I haven kissed her yet.

After some days of not meeting with that woman and lots of stress from work, one day someone sent me a prank with a picture of a transgender woman with a penis. I immediately felt intensely turned on. I felt ashamed and deleted it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And started thinking about my adolescence reaction and all my past reactions to it. What if I had been supressing a natural attraction I had. How could I know? There was no way.

I don’t see transgender women in my everyday so I don’t have that experience. And if I see them I can’t tell them a part from cisgender women. I was very aroused and I wanted to meet with transgender woman but the idea of hurting their feelings if I was not into trans women, stopped me from opening a dating account. Also I didn’t feel ready for it.

At some point I decided I would go to an escorts service. I wanted to know my real sexual orientation. I did lots of research and found in my country it is legal for someone to create a company that gathers people who voluntarily want to do sex work. I found one that was in the register managed by women and checked if they had the licenses in order. Since they did, I thought I would give it a try one day.

But knowing I could explore my sexuality, legally and with a consenting person, I just couldn’t wait anymore and felt I had the obligation to myself and future partners to experiment now that I am still single instead of discovering it later on when I am married with someone with all the consequences it could have.

I went there and felt very anxious and uncomfortable while I was waiting. A trans woman who had different feminization surgeries entered the room, her face still looked a bit masculine, I didn’t quite feel comfortable with it, since I feel attracted to femininity, and that made me feel guilty and superficial. Once we were at it, by just touching her skin and cuddling I immediately ended, because of how intense was my reaction to her. I felt extremely embarrassed. It was totally unexpected. She calmed me and we had a normal conversation and then continued which I very much enjoyed as I liked her feminine body and behavior, even though she was not completely my ideal of femininity.

I went home and woke up thinking that I did very homosexual things with that transgender woman and the worse part was that my body enjoyed it a lot. I felt bad about it and worried. One thing that made me feel bad was that she said “you gay men enjoy us, trans women with penis”, and also that she said to another one while I was leaving “he is a fagot”.

But what doesn’t fit this narrative of me being gay is that I don’t feel the same way about men. I don’t want to touch a man’s body, I feel no interest in it, neither in porn nor in real life, the idea disgusts me. On the contrary I have fallen in love with cisgender women and had sex and enjoyed it, even though I don’t feel much interest in porn where they appear. But for trans women, I don’t know, it’s really strong my reaction to them.

I feel like I cheated on the cisgender woman I am getting to know although I am not in a relationship with her. I feel bad about that. I have a date with her in some days and I have been enjoying her company and what I feel when I am with her. But maybe it’s because I am looking at things from an exclusive lense. I don’t have to give up on cisgender women if I am attracted to trans women, and the other way around. Maybe it’s something compatible. I guess I will try to find a way to merge both into the same identity.

What’s your experience in that? Is that possible? Can a man be both attracted to cis and trans women? (Ones more emotionally strong although sexually also, and the others more sexually strong, I don’t know about emotional since I lack that experience).

How can I keep exploring safely without hurting other people’s feelings in the process? How can I meet trans women out of escort’s world? I want to have normal experiences like meeting someone that has a job like mine or similar, and that can keep intellectual conversations at my same level.

How can one deal with the guilt? and insults from others? and what’s the sexual orientation of someone that is attracted to women regardless of their genitalia?

I am scared of being physically assaulted if I meet a trans woman and this keeps me very much away from it. Not to mention I know some people I know think it’s a faggot thing and that “they are mentally ill” and men “period”. So I don’t feel comfortable about opening up about it or risking being seen with a trans woman. I still don’t feel ready for that. Maybe in the future, who knows.

Foreign & Fearful

Hello Foreign & Fearful!

Welcome to your life. You stand at a wonderful crossroads. It is the same crossroads many men come to. It is an opportunity to grow, to become who you are authentically. When you do this, your happiness will grow too.

Your strong feeling you call “ashamed” is normal. The reason you feel shame is you think your attraction is wrong, maybe even perverted. Where did these thoughts come from? Have you thought about this?

Here is a hint: You did not think this way when you were born.

Your happiness depends on accepting ALL of who you are, part of which is being attracted to transgender women. Your resistance exists because you have false beliefs which contradict your authentic self. Your opportunity is this: become more of who you are. Give up beliefs that are contrary to who you are. The more you do this, the happier you will be. Period.

Some escorts do what they do because they believe that’s all they can do, or they enjoy what they do to some degree. You are not responsible for contributing to anything other than your own life and experiences you have. People you interact with are there cooperatively, they help you create experiences so you can see who you are authentically, then embrace more of who you are. Your shame, as I wrote above, tells you you are not embracing who you are. So your shame is a very good thing!

Where do your values come from? Do you know? It’s a question worth asking.

There are no accidents. As a teenager you encountered women with penises because you wanted to. You wanted to because you knew such experience would increase your happiness and help you embrace all of who you are. You knew if you embraced this part of you and lived it authentically, you’d have a happy life.

But values you learned over time, caused you to shy away in fear. That’s why you avoided it for many years. You think being attracted to women with penises means you’re gay. But later, in your email, you recognize they are NOT the same thing. GAY MEN ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO WOMEN!

Attraction to cisgender women is compatible with attraction to transgender women. Why is that? Because transgender women, even transgender women with penises are women. THEY ARE NOT FEMALE. But who cares about that??? It is irrelevant.

So there is no conflict in cisgender attraction and trans-attraction. The problem – for trans-attracted men – is women with penises. Because what’s possible with that kind of woman, for the trans-attracted man, makes them special. There are many more positive characteristics trans women have over ciswomen, most of which have nothing to do their penis.

Transgender women bring interesting extra experiences because of their journey. Those experiences make some of them extremely strong, resilient, confident, and people who don’t take any bullshit. These are very positive traits in a woman.

It is good that you examined your trans-attraction as you did. Good for you too that you softened your resistance to your sexual attraction so you can enjoy your thoughts and reactions. That’s progress, right?!!!!

About your encounter with the escort: It’s possible your fears and apprehensions overwhelmed your latent enjoyment. That happens a lot when men have their first encounter. Don’t make too much about that.

Accidents are not accidents: There is more going on in life than people acknowledge. These “pranks” are not accidents, nor are they coincidence. They are YOU showing yourself where your genuine, authentic, NATURAL attraction exists. It is you saying to you: “accept who you are and stop judging it as bad. If you must judge it, judge it as good. BECAUSE IT IS!”

You must understand that your intense positive feelings are telling you what you’re doing is VERY GOOD.

And this strong negative feeling…and subsequent action…tells you that your stories about this VERY GOOD THING are inconsistent with your natural, wholesome desires. You know what you want, you know you’ll find joy in it. But your stories born or bogus “values” are keeping you from having it.

Every human being has a number of stories going on at any one time. They simultaneously create their ongoing reality. Take the transgender escort, for example. It is 100 percent certain her stories include “the only men interested in a transgender woman with a penis are faggots” (this is bogus).

She also has stories which create low self worth, insecurity and fear (about meeting someone who will accept her). It also is highly likely she doesn’t like her penis, wants to get rid of it, and is ashamed at having one. This is obvious for several reasons I will not go into in this response.

But you and her are a perfect match because she feels many of the same ways about herself that you feel about yourself, and you feel about her….and vice versa. So you two were a perfect match. Of course you two would meet each other!

You can’t hold on to values contrary to your happiness and be happy.

Any man will find an attractive woman attractive. Including transgender women. The only reason men feel revulsion is when they discover (or know in advance) that that woman either has a penis or once had a penis. They get turned off only because, for them penis = gay.

Should you seek trans women outside the escort world? At this point, I don’t recommend it. Not yet. Before you go outside the escort world, you first have to develop more comfort with who you are and what you like. Otherwise you will meet terrible transgender women.

Keep exploring with escorts. While you do that, seriously consider changing your values. Consider your stories and change them. You must come to the point where you are happy being you. If you don’t do that first, any action you take will connect you with trans women who are exactly like you: insecure, shamed of who they are, angry at men like you (chasers), and therefore your experiences will only inflame your insecurity and shame.

Does this make sense?

Insults from others will disappear once you change your stories about many things you have stories about. Many of those men who ridicule other men who have desires like yours have the same desires. They cover their shame by shaming others.

Your guilt and shame will disappear too when you change your stories.

As for labels, don’t worry about labels. Your question “what’s the sexual orientation of someone that is attracted to women regardless of their genitalia?” Is 100 percent irrelevant.

People use labels to categorize then judge. What are you wanting a label for it? Just know what you like is good and pursuing what you like will create the best life for you. Once you do something about your stories.

Last words: You are on a path. You are discovering an important part of who you are. This path is extremely good for you and for others. This path leads to more happiness for you (and others). Take your time, go slow. Read material on our website and watch our videos. There is a lot of free information that will help you understand who you are, what you’re going through and how to move forward. You are not alone. Many many men are having similar experiences.

Thanks for writing and enjoy your trans-attraction!

TTN

July 13, 2021May 30, 2021

How Misgendering Creates A Better Life And Happy Love

Last week, I shared why loving someone who misgenders you creates the best outcomes. In that post, I shared one Transamorous Network client’s story about what happened when her mother misgendered her.

I wrote the post you’re reading after our followup session the next week. What she shared in that session will astound you. It’s astounding for three reasons:

It shows how fast my client is improving
How quickly the Universe shows her opportunities to improve and
How beneficial what my client learned can be for other transpeople.

First, some background

My client asked in a previous session why her parents kept misgendering her. I told her it’s because she reacts negatively every time it happens. I explain this more in last week’s post.

Then my client described a social event where her mom and step dad both called her by her dead name and used male pronouns. This happened in front of everyone. Of course, my client felt embarrassed. What other people think about my client means a lot to her. So when she’s put “on blast” she doesn’t like it.

I showed her how to create future experiences wherein neither her mom, nor anyone else, misgenders her. She understood the instructions and said she’d follow them.

But at our next session, she said he did not follow my advice. Then she told me what happened. She and her mom talked on the phone. Instead of doing what I suggested, she did exactly the opposite. That sparked a HUGE fight on the phone between my client, her mom and step dad.

My client regrets saying what she said during that call. Her mom regrets what she said. My client and her mom hadn’t talked since.

Fights of all kinds can be transformational moments. But isn’t it great when you don’t need fights to enjoy transformational moments? (Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash)

What happened next

A few days later, My client got an impulse to call her mom, but she didn’t. The next day her mom called her instead. They had a great conversation, as though the fight never happened. In that chat, my client’s mom invited her out shopping, which they both enjoyed.

Then, while at a separate function by herself, my client met a transgender woman. She was “early in her transition”, according to my client. Now, remember, this happened a few days after my client had a big fight with her mom.

An acquaintance introduced my client to this other trans woman. After introductions, they chatted a bit. Then, when talking with someone else nearby, my client, referring to the other trans woman, misgendered her!

The other transgender woman heard my client and corrected her. My client profusely apologized.

“I hate it when people do that and here I am doing it,” She nervously laughed.

My client told me in session how bad she felt. She got how this experience mirrored her own experience with her mother.

“Here I was doing exactly what my mom did to me to another transgender woman!” she admitted.

Life always reflects back to you what’s happening in you. You created it so you can do something about what’s happening in you. That’s why stories are so powerful. Through them you create reality. (Photo by Caroline Veronez on Unsplash)

It got worse – then much better

Moments after, my client misgendered this transgender woman…again. My client felt shame and humiliation. That’s when she understood.

“I had no malice at all towards this person,” She said. “It was me not being aware. I understand now how my mother had no malice either. This experience showed me how easy it is [to misgender someone], and it doesn’t always happen because people are mean. Sometimes it just happens.”

That insight helped my client let her mother off the hook, which is exactly what I suggested she needed to do!

My client also realized her experience happened on purpose. The universe, she said, gave her this experience to get how easy misgendering can happen and to help her forgive her mom.

“Now I won’t be so quick to get so mad when someone does it. The Universe really helped me understand these kinds of situations.”

As a person tells positive stories more often, the Universe is in on the increase. It constantly sends life-lessons so experience shows what we’re learning.

Life: It’s no joke until it is

Some will say my client’s experiences all represent coincidences. But consider her stories at the time. Here she was making her mom really wrong, blaming her, judging her, thinking she’s being unloving, when instead her mother might be misgendering her daughter for totally different reasons.

My client got that, through her own experience misgendering a transgender woman. She stood in her mother’s shoes. And through all that, she found more love for her mom.

There’s a saying. It goes: you can’t make this up. In only a few days my client got how the Universe and her stories work together. Together they make the reality my client experiences. The more she turns her attention towards positive stories, the less life-sessions she’ll experience.

And the more joy and fun she’ll have.

July 6, 2021July 6, 2021

Misgendered: A Great Opportunity For Love Not Hate

The easiest way to get someone to stop misgendering you involves loving that person when they do it. Especially when parents misgender you. Here’s why we advocate this approach at The Transamorous Network.

Parents stick to misgendering their trans kids because they think they’re right. Nearly all people think they’re right about what they think they know. Another reason they do it involves pain. They don’t want to be wrong. Being wrong feels painful.

Parents think they know more than their children do. They’re wrong, but remember, they think they’re right and being wrong feels painful. Besides, they don’t want to believe the person they love is not the person they thought the person was.

Changing in front of children is hard

Acknowledging your identity also confronts their social standing and that’s hard for old people. No one likes losing face and old people really don’t. Your parents not only must confront their own judgements, they must also face their peers’ judgments too.

That’s tough. Misgendering you let’s them live in la la land. There they’re right and they save face. That’s a lot keeping your mom and dad misgendering you.

Parents also find socially embarrassing and humiliating being judged when in public. They care a LOT about what other people think about them. For some, their whole identity depends on what others think about them. For others, their entire career depends on it.

So parents face tremendous pressure when a child declares themselves trans.

We’re not making excuses for your parents. We’re showing you how to get what you want from them: You want them to use proper pronouns and call you by the name matching who you are.

Parents, especially older ones think they know everything. Your trans status usually confronts everything they think they know. So you must be the adult. Because they can’t. They’re too triggered. (Photo by CDC on Unsplash)

But it’s all about them…not you

Notice what happens when you resist when they misgender you: They double down, refuse your wishes, disown you or you them. Why? Because they’re defending themselves, their stories and their world view. For a while, these things are more important than a relationship with you.

All that means NOTHING about you. It’s all about them. Notice too the more you push against their world view, the more they resist you. In our vernacular, here is what happens when you resist what they do.

First, you reinforce many stories you have about your parents, which sets up future repeat experiences of what you’re resisting. You know this when you feel negative when they do what you don’t like.

Second, your parents resist your resistance, which creates in their world repeat experiences too. So you both cooperate in creating new experiences just like existing ones. Experiences neither you nor them enjoys.

This is why your parents misgendering you won’t stop until you stop resisting what they do. Of course, they could stop resisting who you really are. But, ironically, you’re the adult in this case. Not your parents. So you must make the first move.

A real example speaks volumes

A transgender client asked us why her parents kept misgendering her recently. I told her exactly what you’re reading. I said because she keeps resisting when they do it.

The most recent time happened in a social event. Her mom and step dad both called her by her dead name and used male pronouns. They did it in front of everyone. My client was embarrassed because she puts a lot of weight on what other people think about her.

The next day, a relative approached my client. “I can’t believe your parents did that in front of everybody!” this relative said. “It makes me so angry when they do that! They know you’re trans, why do they keep doing it?”

When my client told me what her relative said and how angry he was, I told my client “You don’t want to be listening to this person. Hearing this person’s stories and making them your own will just create more situations between you and your parents where they will misgender you.”

“Instead,” I said. “You should love your parents. Look for everything they do to support you. Find things you like about them. Focus on those things. When they misgender you, pretend it didn’t happen!”

My client laughed at first. She didn’t understand how doing this would work.

When you push against what you don’t like you’re setting yourself up for more of what you don’t like. That creates a lot of cray-cray on all sides. Instead, find good things about where you are and watch where you are change. (Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Here’s why it works

It works because whatever you look at will get bigger in your life. Whatever you look at that you feel emotional about will get bigger, faster in your life. So when you keep looking at, and get angry about ANYONE who misgenders you, you’re essentially saying “Universe, give me more of this!”

I told my client this and she said she understood.

But when she came to the next session she said he did not follow my advice. Then she told me what happened.

She had a telephone conversation with her mom. While on the phone, her relative’s complaints about her mom popped up in her head. Then she heard my voice in her head telling her not to heed her relative’s stories. But she also felt the pull of that negative story about her mom.

So instead of looking for things love-worthy in her mom she followed impulses that came from her relative’s negative stories.

“Mom,” she said. “I hope you can hear me when I say this. It really hurts me when you don’t use the correct pronouns. It also hurts me when you call me by my old name. I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

Like a match to gasoline…

Exactly as I described above, her mom got defensive instead of listening to what my client said. She didn’t hear a word my client said. Here’s what she did hear:

You’re wrong
You’re bad
I know better than you
Do what I say!
Your values are wrong
Your beliefs are wrong

Is it any surprise what happened next? Her mom got defensive, then angry, then went into a rage. She attacked my client (remember this is a phone call). In response, my client lost her cool and attacked back.

My client’s mom had the phone on speaker and her husband (my client’s step father) also jumped in. Of course he defended his wife. That’s natural, right?

My client said she said things to her mom she regrets saying. She also said her mom said things she’s never said to my client before. The phone call happened three days ago. My client and her mom hadn’t talked since.

Your anger at those who misgender you acts as a match to gasoline. The fire just gets hotter…until you learn the better way. That learning needn’t be as hard as it is though. *(Photo by* Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Lesson learned the hard way

My client left the conversation extremely hurt. But it was all good because she realized through that very painful experience the accuracy of how this work works.

You just cannot get what you want when you focus on what you don’t want. Focusing on what you don’t want just gives you more of that.

So if you want someone to stop misgendering you, you can’t react negatively when they do it. Instead, you must find things to appreciate about the person. When someone misgenders you, you must talk yourself out of negative reactions. Then find positive things to say that cause you to feel good.

Until you do, until you learn to master your emotional responses to events, you just keep getting more practice. Practice which looks like people misgendering you!

It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But try it. You’ll find in short order that those who refuse to accept who you are will change. Then you’ve mastered your happiness.

It will take longer for loved ones only because you’ve got persistent stories about them, about how they are, and you think you’re right about that. But even persistent beliefs can change.

And when your beliefs change, everything else does too.