Being gay isn’t a bad thing. Labelling trans-attracted and transamorous men gay, however, creates a host of problems for everyone. Especially because that label – that men sexually and or romantically attracted to transgender women are gay – doesn’t align at all with how trans-attracted and transamorous men actually feel. It’s very similar to calling a transgender woman a man…when she clearly is not.
I just received a 2015 study from a transamorous man, which appears to confirm the fact that men like us are not gay. While I realize science is hardly objective, and has often been used to discredit the LGBT community, I was inspired to read this study.
This study showed there is a great deal of overlap between the sexual tastes of straight men and men interested in transwomen, whereas there is very little overlap between gay men and the men interested in trans women. Here’s how the researchers put it:
[Transamorous and trans-attracted] men had arousal patterns similar to those of heterosexual men and different from those of homosexual men. However, compared to heterosexual men, [Transamorous and trans-attracted] men were relatively more aroused by transgender erotic stimuli than by female erotic stimuli.
I knew this all along of course. I remember seeing a counselor with past cis-gender partners for couples counseling, something I believed at the time had value and merit (I don’t now). After having seen me through several relationships, he suggested I see him alone a couple times. After that he recommended I see a friend of his, another counselor. This person tried to convince me to own the “fact” that I was homosexual.
That idea felt so naturally wrong to me. Not that being gay was bad, but because it just didn’t fit how I felt.
It still doesn’t.
Clearly, this is just one study. Still, you gotta start somewhere. It’s good to see science catching up. As the transgender community draws more attention to itself, I’m sure more people will start looking at the part of the community that gets very little attention…and a lot of vilification…from both the cisgender community and, sadly, the transgender community.
“Once I accepted that my sexuality was OK and that it could be expressed in a healthy & romantic way, I felt years of shame and stress melt away. It has been one of the most powerful and freeing experiences of my life.”
I love it when a guy realizes he doesn’t have to live in the shadows of shame, misery and stress. Last week the following email, from a man who found our blog, landed in my inbox:
First of all, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your positive energy, your bravery and your passion in putting together this website. I’ve come out to family and friends in the past 6 months as trans-amorous, as a result of self-reflection and digesting articles and videos that affirmed my experience. I am grateful for internet resources such as yours, because although I had talked to certain friends and therapists for many years about this attraction, people had given me well-meaning, but ultimately damaging advice, essentially fetishizing and marginalizing the attraction.
One article in particular (I wish I could remember what it was!) highlighted that when we treat attracted to trans people as a paraphilia, it implies that men who are attracted to trans women are either 1) closeted gay (which made no sense to me) or 2) have something wrong with them, which means that trans women are implicitly unloveable! That hit me really hard and made me realize that these views are extremely destructive both to cis people like myself and to trans people.
Once I accepted that my sexuality was OK and that it could be expressed in a healthy & romantic way, I felt years of shame and stress melt away. It has been one of the most powerful and freeing experiences of my life. I’ve started to connect to the trans and queer communities and have befriended a couple of trans people, and been on a few normal dates with trans women, although online dating hasn’t really been ideal so far. I just purchased the your book, and am really excited to gain some insights… Perhaps I’ll learn something by looking at it as well. Anyways, I really appreciate what you’re doing and hope to connect at some point. I’ve considered putting myself out there more online/ perhaps creating some videos or similar content, and your website is inspiring me in such a way. Perhaps I can help others avoid the years of suffering I went through.
More men realize their attraction to transgender women is normal, healthy and natural. I suspect we’re going to get more of these kinds of emails in the future.
I talked with “John” about online dating and how sucky it is. We agreed there has to be a better way. And there is. The first step is getting happy. You get happy by telling stories that make you feel good. From there, the Universe takes care of the rest. I’m eager to keep talking with “John” as we all continue down this road of transition.
Especially the ones who like transgender women. For as many kinds of transgender women, there are kinds of men who would love to be with them. I guarantee that. Even those transwomen who are bitter, angry, pains-in-the-ass find matches. Although initially, those transwomen may not like who they match with. Eventually though, even they will find nice guys who will love them.
I’ve had conversations with my transwomen friends and I’ve heard the stories. Men: You’re not alone loving transwomen whether your preferences are for pre-op transwomen, post-op transwomen, trans women who like to top, who bottom or who are vers. Many transwomen I’ve spoken with have eye-opening experiences. The guys they find interested in them, and the things those guys are willing to do behind closed doors shows how much some straight men want to be with transwomen.
Some of the women also said that if some of these guys, just some of them, were willing to tell society to “kiss my ass” and just go for what they want, in the open, the world (for both transwomen and society as a whole) would be a better place.
I agree. What is it about the world outside our heads that has us so afraid of it?
What is it, guys, that has you afraid to confront the fact that you’re not gay just because you are attracted to this particular kind of WOMAN? The real question here isn’t “is she really a woman?” because the answer to that question is “yes”. The real question is “why are you letting other people tell you who you should or should not be attracted to?”
That’s the real question. The sooner you answer that question with “I’m not”, the happier you’ll be. Not only that. The longer you live your life from what you say is right for you, the sooner those people trying to tell you how to live your life will stop doing that.
Your freedom lies in owning who you are. No matter what kind of man you are, you are ok. You deserve your happiness. You deserve what you’re wanting. So go for it. Be you.
When you do, your whole world will change to support you. It won’t be over night. But it will be worth the wait. I can promise you that.
First, there are no “problems”. Since you probably, like most people, believe there are, we need to unpack that. I’ll get back to the fact that there are no problems in a moment.
Having trouble finding love? Having trouble finding work? Tired of all those “crazy” transwomen you keep meeting; the gold-diggers, players, skeezers, cheaters? Tired of all the chasers, the guys who are in the closet, guys that want you to “top” them? Are you tired of hearing about people like you getting beaten and killed? Are you one of those people whose parents want nothing to do with you?
There’s a way out of all that. But first, you have to really look at where all these problems are coming from. I mean really look. If any of the problems above (or any other problem) is your experience, and that experience has you feeling sucky, there’s something you can do to relieve yourself of them. Yes, “them”, meaning, all of them. But it’s going to take some time and it’s going to take some work. The first task: understand the one thing all your problems share.
That thing is YOU.
There is no way to deny that you are the common denominator of all your problems. The plain fact is, if you weren’t here, you wouldn’t be experiencing your problems. If you didn’t exist, your problems – at least as you’re experiencing them – wouldn’t exist because your experience wouldn’t exist. Right?
Seems obvious, right?
This is so eye-rolling obvious, but I would bet, dear reader, that you haven’t stopped to think about how that obvious fact plays into your problem-experience. That you are the center of all your problems is why you are always meeting the same guys or girls in your search for love. It’s why you’re having a hard time finding that job you like. It’s why you’re stuck feeling like being trans is so hard.
If you didn’t exist, neither would your problems.
Since you are the common denominator of all your problems, doesn’t it stand to reason
No denying it honey. You’re the problem.
that the solution to these problems isn’t “out there” in your “reality”, it’s somehow “in there” in side “you”? There’s an old saying: when you point a finger in blame, there are three fingers pointing back at you. Your problems aren’t the problem. You are.
This is not some “positive self-help” meme. It’s basic reality. This also is the fundamental truth about our work here. We want you to have a fabulously fun, happy and exciting life where you experience all you want and NONE OF WHAT YOU DON’T WANT. You can’t have that life though if you’re blaming your reality for all the problems you see in it. Because the more you point the finger at your reality, the more problems you sow in that reality. The way out of your problems is to realize there are no problems.
And that is no Matrix movie bullshit. It is the most accurate statement about your world.
Now you and your friends might be like “this is such bullshit, you’re blaming the victim.” We actually had a person write us recently on our YouTube channel and make that claim. The problem with that statement is, it denies the common denominator of the problem. If the victim didn’t exist, there’d be no experience.
So the question then is, how do I (that’s you) have experiences that don’t look like problems?
There are no problems. Only clues.
First, what you think of are problems aren’t. What they are are clues showing you that you have your interpretation of your life experience all screwy. You are getting clues all the time, but you don’t usually pay attention to them, so the clues get bigger and bigger until they’re undeniable. Problem (lol) is you don’t see them as clues, you see them as problems. So instead of taking the clue, you look at it and complain about it. It’s like the pointing finger. It’s a simple clue, a symbol, indicating to every human being with hands that when you look out in the world and blame something out there, there is more evidence (three fingers as opposed to one) that the Source of the problem is the person pointing the finger.
Clues you interpret as problems get bigger and bigger until you do something about them. The biggest thing you can “do” to “get the clue” is to look at the stories you’re telling yourself. Your stories are creating your life experience. The more persistent stories have more dominance in your reality-creation. So if you’re complaining all the time that the only transwomen you meet are trifling, that story is going to predominate meaning your life experience is going to only allow you to meet trifling transwomen. Your meeting trifling transwomen, and your disappointment about that repeat experience, is your clue that you have a story creating something you’re not wanting.
If you want a happy life, you have to tell happy stories about your life. But don’t expect miracles to happen over night, although it can happen that way. Old stories take time to subside. New ones take time to settle in. But the good news is, you are always able to change your stories at any time. Which means you are always able to start changing your life experience at any time too.
Some transwomen believe transamorous men are rare. We know they are abundant. The only thing preventing you from finding your ideal partner are stories you have which keep you from finding them. Even these men though, are human, as David-Andrew clearly demonstrates in this clip from his longer interview.
Being gay isn’t a bad thing. Labelling trans-attracted and transamorous men gay, however, creates a host of problems for everyone. Especially because that label – that men sexually and or romantically attracted to transgender women are gay – doesn’t align at all with how trans-attracted and transamorous men actually feel. It’s very similar to calling a transgender woman a man…when she clearly is not.
“Once I accepted that my sexuality was OK and that it could be expressed in a healthy & romantic way, I felt years of shame and stress melt away. It has been one of the most powerful and freeing experiences of my life.”
First, there are no “problems”. Since you probably, like most people, believe there are, we need to unpack that. I’ll get back to the fact that there are no problems in a moment.
