I have a client on the Positively Focused side of what I do. She’s cisgender and has fallen for a man she manifested. But the man waffles a lot over his commitment to her. Rather than seeing this guy as not worth her time, because he does not meet her minimum requirements, she’s clinging to this man.
Because she believes this man is the only man out there for her, she believes she MUST have this man. As a result of her scarcity consciousness — about men and relationships — she suffers as the guy keeps breaking up with her, then he apologizes and comes back to her.
On my bike ride this morning I couldn’t help contrasting her experience with my own. As I’ve written in earlier posts, I now have a girlfriend. What’s remarkable, among many things, about Muriel, is her radical self acceptance. She knows herself. She recognizes those things about herself she wants to improve. And most importantly, one of those is not trying to pass as a cisgender woman.
I love that about her. Her radical acceptance of her status as a transgender woman resonates powerfully with me. That’s because I know the best happiness lies in self acceptance. Accepting fully who we are is the key to getting everything we want.
Loving who we are as we are
Self acceptance is a struggle for many transgender women. Muriel say this is because transgender women try to be something they’re not. I agree. They compare themselves to cisgender women. Then use that comparison as the yardstick for their “passability”.
Hopefully, dear reader, you can see the built-in struggle of that approach. Many transgender women compare themselves against something they’ll never be. And, in that comparison, they cannot accept a man who wants them for who they ACTUALLY are. So it’s no surprise such women struggle with finding love in relationship. It’s also no wonder they revile trans-attracted men.
They don’t fully love themselves as they are. So when someone expresses love for them as they are, they reject that person. As they reject themselves. Thankfully, Muriel is not that way. She loves (most) of who and what she is. So she can accept my affection. Indeed, my affection apparently amplifies her own self-appreciation. And I enjoy doing that for her. I reflecting back to her the love she has for herself.
Joy and freedom are at the heart of self acceptance. The more one pushes toward greater acceptance of all that one is, the more love and joy one will experience. First in themselves. Then in the world around them. In time the world will reflect back to them that inner state of joy. And when that happens, everything the person wants must show up in their life experience. Including lovers.
This is true for transgender women and trans-attracted men. It applies to everyone actually.
Loving ourselves is the best thing we can do to get all we want. Especially in love. (Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash)
Our perfect match is looking for us
Which again, is why Muriel and I have found one another. It’s no surprise that Muriel and I find the relationship we are experiencing satisfying. The limits it includes are perfectly matched to our life situations. Hers, being in an open marriage. Mine, being focused on my spiritual path. These two aspects of our lives are perfectly accommodated in what we share.
I want my Positively Focused client to find her full self acceptance. Doing so, she’ll find no need to pine after men. When it does, men like the one she’s pursuing won’t show up. Instead, she’ll rendezvous with men who are equally matched to her self acceptance. This already is happening. She’s getting better at seeing this.
Confidence, joy, freedom, security. All these are available to those who fully accept themselves. It doesn’t matter whether one is trans or cis. We’re all human after all. And we all have multiple perfect matches looking for us. Not just one. I love helping trans women and trans-attracted men find those kinds of matches.
Accepting oneself fully is not an easy matter though. Especially when so much of society conditions us out of self acceptance. That’s why someone like me can help those wanting joy, satisfaction and love.
If you’re one of those people wanting more joy, satisfaction and love, contact me. Results are guaranteed. Whatever you want you can have. But you first must become a match to it.
Often transgender clients offer great examples proving what we say here at The Transamorous Network. That happened again today (at the time of writing this).
The example perfectly shows how our stories create our reality. It also perfectly shows how our stories play out in our own behaviors, and the others’ behavior. Which makes every date we have an experience bearing gifts.
Seeing our stories play out in real time offers us tremendous benefits. Only by seeing them can we do something about them though. So it’s important to learn how to interpret our stories as they play out.
“Reality”, of course, includes our behaviors. So in addition to how we feel and what we think, another great way of discovering stories we have is by looking at how we behave. And how people behave toward us. Especially on dates.
By doing that, we can deliberately chart paths to all the love (or anything else) we want by telling better stories. This is the basis for why I work with transgender and trans-attracted clients. On the way to getting all they want, clients become empowered. They also become happier. This client is no exception.
Let’s take a look at the wonderful example she offered.
Creating her dating reality as she goes
She recently stopped online dating. I don’t encourage anyone to go that route, so I’m glad she stopped. Here’s why I don’t recommend dating online. But most clients coming to me are on that path. After a while though, they stop dating online. That’s because it’s just more fun meeting your perfect match through serendipity. Online dating sucks.
The client, I’ll call Sarah, now has several men she’s seeing. Most of them are casual. And a few of them involve actually going out on dates. That’s great because Sarah, who is trans, once told herself very strong stories about men not being willing to take her out. But because she’s changed her stories, men now take her out! Go figure!
One guy I’ll call Cleo, wants to take Sarah out. But he’s scared. He still resists his trans-attraction. So, he’ll text Sarah, telling her he wants to see her. Or text her about taking her out. Sarah likes getting these messages. But it irks her that he won’t follow up. She wants him to take her out. He won’t though.
I explained to Sarah that Cleo represents a stepping stone along the path to the relationship she ultimately wants and will have. I also said the more she focuses on positive aspects of what Cleo offers, the more she becomes a match to that relationship she ultimately wants.
Sarah’s working on this. Some days she’s better at it than others. But what happened in today’s session was instructive. First, let’s look at some context.
A relationship to beat all relationships
Sarah loves a man she really wants to be with. She and this guy, who I’ll call Paul, have talked on and off for years. It’s obvious Paul likes Sarah. But he too fears his trans-attraction. Yet he keeps coming back to Sarah. Sarah really wants to be with Paul. I assure her constantly she can be with Paul and will be. Once she becomes fully a match to him and vice versa.
But stories Sarah keeps active about relationships, about Paul and about herself keep her from becoming that match. I am working with Sarah to identify and soothe these stories.
One story she has is if she told Paul about her dating experiences, Paul will get angry at her and cut her off, even though Paul has consistently told Sarah she should date other people. I told Sarah she should share with Paul what she does with these other men. Not to manipulate Paul in any way, but, instead, to authentically express what she’s doing. Besides, it’s exactly what Paul encouraged. And, I assured Sarah, it’s something Paul would appreciate.
So Sarah really wants to be with Paul. Paul likes Sarah a lot and wants that too. But both keep telling stories that keep the two apart. And Sarah won’t communicate authentically with Paul because she’s afraid.
Ok, that’s the context. Now, back to Cleo. Keep in mind what you just read. See if you can put the pieces together about stories and how they created the reality you’re about to read before I explain it in the section after this next one.
Perfect manifestation played in real time
One day Cleo texted Sarah. He complained that a lot of older cis-women were coming on to him. He said he had lots of opportunity to “fuck” these women. But he didn’t know what he wanted to do. Sarah told him he should enjoy these women. He should have sex with them, she said, if he wants to and thinks he will enjoy it.
In other words, she was sharing what we talk about in The Transamorous Network dating approach. The more a person can enjoy life, the more life will yield to them more enjoyable experiences. That’s the general rule. I applauded Sarah for telling Cleo this. It’s spot-on guidance.
A couple days later, Cleo texted Sarah. He shared news that he did actually follow Sarah’s advice. He said he had a great time doing it. Remember, Sarah encouraged Cleo to have sex with these women.
Here’s what happened next, in Sarah’s own words:
“After he told me,” she said. “I got mad. Then I picked a big, giant fight with him. He got really angry with me. Then he stopped talking to me.”
Can you see what happened here? It’s a perfect manifestation of Sarah’s stories about Paul and her playing out in her relationship with Cleo!
The evidence: plain as day
Sarah is playing out her story about being authentic with Paul, with Cleo. Here Cleo is, doing what I suggest Sarah could do with Paul. Cleo is telling Sarah authentically what’s happening in his life with these other women. Notice how Sarah first responds to his authentic sharing. She’s empathetic. She offers really good advice: do what pleases you.
But then, when Cleo acts on Sarah’s advice, Sarah gets pissed. We could replace Cleo with Sarah in this example, and Sarah with Paul. Doing that, we can see how Sarah is creating a reality wherein her stories about Paul and her play out in real time. In perfect view for all to see.
See it?
If I tell Paul what I’m doing with these other men, he’ll get mad and stop talking with me. That’s Sarah’s story about her relationship with Paul. And that story has Sarah feeling fear. Meanwhile, when Cleo does what Sarah’s afraid to do with Paul, at first, Sarah is compassionate. She offers great advice. But when he follows it Sarah gets mad and picks a fight – exactly what she’s afraid Paul will do if she shares authentically what she’s up to, which is what Sarah got mad at Cleo for doing. After all, Sarah is doing what Paul suggested: see other guys. But she’s afraid to share that with him.
First, Sarah is interested and compassionate. This tells her that Paul would be interested and compassionate should she communicate authentically to him. But her fear dominates her behavior as a manifestation. So she gets mad at Cleo after first being interested and compassionate. Then Cleo does what Sarah is afraid Paul will do: stops talking to her.
Power and leverage unveiled
The evidence here is as plain as day. But it’s complicated and hard to see if we don’t know to interpret our reality.
This is the kind of thing we uncover in Transamorous Network sessions. It’s the gold in daily life which reveals to us everything we want to know. Everything that will get us all the love we want. Or all the money we want. Or whatever else we want. Definitely all the happiness we can handle. And then some.
As we can see, physical reality is very sophisticated. The uninitiated have a hard time figuring all this out. That’s because we have a literal constellation of stories creating our ongoing, unfolding reality. A reality that includes behaviors of others. Others we create as specific versions for ourselves. Those versions reflect our stories back to us so we can do something about them. Our own behaviors do the same thing. But we’re often blind to this.
All of this gives us clues about our inner-understanding. Our inner world constantly projects outward. It creates our realities all day, every day. Which is why Transamorous Network sessions offer so much value. Through the sessions, clients learn how to read the clues.
Just because we can’t see all this doesn’t mean it’s not happening. It is happening. And when a person starts seeing life through this lens, they come into incredible power and leverage. Power and leverage allowing one to deliberately create any reality they want. Including one in which a transgender woman, or a trans-attracted man can enjoy anything they want. That perfect lover included.
I once had a female housemate named Debbie. She left her “real job” for a calling. Instead of that “real job”, she wanted to become a life coach. This was back in the day when “life coaching” was the thing.
Months went by and Debbie wasn’t making much progress. One day, I happened to see her in the house. In that moment, I knew Debbie had lost her dream.
The look on her face said everything. The dread on her face and tears in her eyes spoke volumes. Debbie probably feared what she thought would happen next if she ran out of money. I remember giving her a long embrace. I told her it would be ok.
Debbie eventually moved out. She relocated to another state, got a job and, today, as far as I can tell, is happy. She married. Got a dog. She’s gotten back into dance, something she loves. As far as I know, life is good for Debbie.
Too good to be true?
As I pursue my calling, I know how Debbie felt. Yet I persist. Why? Because I know something Debbie didn’t. I also had extraordinary experiences that convinced me I could succeed. Debbie likely did not. Finally, enough evidence has show up along the way to convince me I’m progressing.
For Transgender women and trans-attracted men, the calling often pursued is finding that one person who clicks all our boxes. Someone who will love us. Someone who we’re compatible with. A person we can love. Someone we find attractive.
But many of us think such a person is too good to be true. Like Debbie, transgender women and trans-attracted men actively looking for love don’t believe what they want is possible. So we give up. Or we compromise on our dream.
Transgender women will settle for other women. They don’t believe a guy will love them. Trans-attracted men will spend all their money on escorts. They don’t believe they can find a beautiful transgender woman who won’t reject them. We compromise on our dreams because the idea of never finding love feels worse than the compromise.
Of course, there are lots of transgender women happy living and loving other women. And there are some trans-attracted men who settle for cis-gender women and live happily. Debbie found happiness too.
But we have dreams for good reasons. Still, giving up on them seems rational. Especially when the dream itself seems so irrational. Or scary.
But all dreams feel that way at first. Especially big ones. For many, finding love feels like a big one.
Living the dream
Plenty of examples show how worth it pursuing a dream can be. Hell, the very act of transitioning was once a dream for many transgender women. Now, for most transgender women, it’s just a known and accepted process. We could even say that process is now pedestrian. So many folks transition these days it’s not a big deal anymore.
This can be the case with ANY dream. Including the dream of finding and living a life with a satisfying lover. But old beliefs, will resist anyone who dares to follow such a dream. Which is why dreams feel scary or impossible. It’s not that they are scary or impossible. It’s because we think they are. And those thoughts conjure negative feelings we call “fear”, “scary” and “disbelief”.
Think about it though. Anyone who has actually pursued a dream realizes something remarkable. In pursuing, fear goes away. Done right fear gets replaced by adventure, interest and passion. Then, in perfect timing, when the dream is realized, the path to that dream feels sweet.
Then others see what we’ve done. Our example inspires others. Then the world changes. That’s the power of a dream! It’s world-changing.
Living the dream then, isn’t about getting to the goal of that lover or whatever. It’s the journey to that lover. That journey is the adventure that makes arrival so satisfying. Which means living the dream is worth every step along that path. And along the journey we inspire others.
We can all live our dreams. Especially transgender and trans-attracted people. In doing so we change the world. (Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash)
Is it worth it?
My experience proves what you’re reading. There have been moments of fear along my journey. But I know what “fear” means. Yes, there’s that “False Evidence Appearing Real” thing. But fear also is a beneficial emotion, like all emotions. Understanding what fear or disbelief tells us makes those emotions comply with our dream. And when that happens in us, it’s much easier to see the path before us. It’s much easier to see the end goal as a reality too.
That’s how my transgender and trans-attracted clients find their lovers. I show them how to turn their fear and disbelief into empowerment and expectation. Then I show them how to see evidence of progress toward their lovers. The more evidence they see, the more expectation and empowerment grows in them.
Before long, they arrive, happy and in love.
Anything a transgender person or a trans-attracted guy wants, they can have. Such people choose being born as trans or trans-attracted for powerful reasons. One: their lives inspire others. Two: Their example changes the world.
Getting what we want, especially love, can be scary. Especially when we don’t believe it’s possible. I don’t want to help you believe it’s possible. I want you to KNOW it is. Because it is. Don’t be scared. Live your dream. Have the love you want. I’ll show you how. Contact me.
Yes, I have a girlfriend now. She happens to be trans. This is relatively new. And it’s consistent with everything I tell my clients. My life is a great example of how our stories about life create great love lives.
I call her “Muriel”. I’m honoring her privacy, so I’m not sharing her personal details. Which is interesting because just this week, I shared with Muriel my previous post introducing our situation to my readers. After reading the draft, Muriel, suggested maybe she had a photo of her I could include. One that wouldn’t reveal too much about her.
I thought that cute. My interpretation was she was as open to sharing our shared experience as I was. She is an avid Transamorous Network reader after all.
She sent me a couple pictures. Both were “rated PG” and flattering in my opinion. But I thought they’d not protect her privacy. Now, Muriel and I are a great match. So it wasn’t a surprise that I had already selected the exact same photos of her, photos she sent me weeks ago, to post. But then I decided not to. Back then too, I thought them too revealing. We laughed at that, then agreed not to include a photo at all.
That exchange shows how great how much of a match we are. Which, again, is what I tell my clients, both trans and trans-attracted. What I offer at The Transamorous Network is 100 percent effective. It always results in perfect matches. No dating site required. No bullshit. Just getting what you want.
It’s also no wonder then that Muriel called me “babe” for the first time this week. Now, I’m not gushing or “in love” or any of that common stuff people get into when first starting a relationship. I’m totally clear what’s going on. Especially what’s happening within me. So I’m getting what I want. And reveling in the fun Muriel and I enjoy.
I described what’s happening with Muriel and me to a transgender client this week. This client is enjoying similar results in her life. She marveled about how transparent and communicative we are around sensitive relationship topics. Topics such as sex, men bottoming, bottom surgery, and what we like and don’t like. It’s true, Muriel and I have had exemplary conversations on subjects many trans-attracted men and trans women end up bitterly fighting about or break up over.
But for Muriel and I, they’re no big deal. Just more opportunity for deepening the connection we share.
I’m eager to see where this goes. But I’m really enjoying where we are. And I’m reveling in our deepening intimacy. Just like I tell my clients to do.
Which is why I’m also celebrating her calling me babe by writing this post.
Here’s the best way to love transgender women and trans-attracted men want: when we enjoy our journey to it. Then, we’re not so focused on the end result.
Not focused on the end result is critical. That’s because while we think we’re focusing on the end, we’re usually focused on not having it. We’re focused on how long it’s taking, for example. Or we’re focused on how sad, or impatient we are. Then we feel yucky.
Yukiness, impatience and sadness tells us something. Something we need to know to get what we want. Without knowing this, the journey is rough. And in some cases, we may never get the end result.
It’s trite…for a reason
The idiomatic expression is both trite and spot on: it’s the journey, not the destination. The more we focus on the end, the more difficult the journey gets. The longer it takes to get to the end too. But focused on pleasure we’re having in the moment, and not thinking at all about the end, the journey gets sweeter. And then, when we get to the end, we are surprised at how quickly it happened.
We can focus on the end, but we must do so in a way that generates good feelings. Any time we’re feeling bad, that emotion tells us something important.
Again, the funny thing about idiomatic expressions such as “it’s the journey, not the destination” is that they are idiomatic expressions for a reason. The reason is, they are often true.
“Time flies when we’re having fun“ is another accurate, idiomatic expression. And it applies right alongside “it’s about the journey not the destination”. When we are enjoying the journey, we are enjoying the journey. We’re not focused on the ends. So, repeating myself: when the ends come, we are delighted. And how fast it all happened surprises us too.
The journey doesn’t have to be drudgery. And when it’s not, everything we want happens faster. (Photo by Fun J on Unsplash )
It’s never about the end anyway
This is hard to accept: notice that, often, when people finally end up in a relationship, the relationship becomes a drama-filled torture chamber. It isn’t very long before stories both people have about relationships, people, themselves, etc., start creating unpleasant experiences.
And the more focused on that displeasure – by thinking about it, complaining to their partner, or their friends, about it – the more of those experiences the relationship offers. Before long, both parties are wondering why the hell they got into the relationship in the first place! And at least one of them, if not both of them, is happy when it’s over!
So, can you see how focusing on the outcome often brings about an unpleasant version of that? If, instead, we focuses on the journey, we’re already is pleased. In that pleasurable feeling, we can only match up with people who feel similarly. That is, if we’ve done the work of cultivating positive stories, and culling negative ones.
This is why it seems like it takes longer for Transamorous Network clients to find partners. They are busy culling old stories as they enjoy the journey to their dream relationships. Not drama-filled torture chambers! And along the way, they’re enjoying the journey.
Someone who influenced me telling it as I know it.
Doing what everyone else is doing
Most people are doing what other people are doing in order to find their partners. They are suffering through online dating. They go to dating meet ups or hang out in bars. In other words, they’re trying to find love they want through their action.
Meanwhile, their stories are creating experiences they’re having well before any of their action can influence what’s happening. Sure, they may have dates. They may even have fun on those dates. But as I have written above, those dates typically don’t last very long. And many of them end up drama-filled torture chambers.
So, to get what we want, and enjoy getting it, we must do what others aren’t doing. It’s not easy at first. It takes practice. But like everything worthwhile, that practice develops into habit. Then it’s just second nature. It’s just who we are. Then, not only do we get love we want, we also get everything else. Life becomes the Charmed Life I write about on my other blog.
Think of that: if we’re joyful, loving life, pleased with our lives and having fun, what kind of person are we more likely to meet? Aren’t we more likely to meet someone who is equally in that space?
I’m making the argument here for a different way of creating relationship. By enjoying the journey, and taking our minds off the result, the journey becomes more fun, and by default, so must the relationship that results.
Getting love we want can be fun and easy. (Photo by Jeremy Bishop)
It’s worth it
My clients attest to how practical and satisfying this approach is. They come to enjoy the journey. And in enjoying the journey, they discover things about themselves they also enjoy. Besides, the best relationship to enjoy is the relationship with ourselves. And when we love ourselves, we can’t help but meet people who express that kind of love also.
Repeating myself again: it takes practice getting there. But on the way “there” we’re having fun. We’re finding joy in ourselves. We’re discovering we don’t need a partner.
Then we discover something really miraculous: when we realize we don’t need a partner, the partner shows up. That’s because, “need“ sends out repulsive energy. Neediness is a repellent. Everyone knows this instinctively. Neediness is not a strong foundation for relationship either.
So if we’re needy, and if we’re impatient, or not enjoying our journey to our relationship, then we’re emanating something working against our desire to have one. At least one we’ll like.
