Heterosexuality And Trans Attraction

 

NOT_GAY
Photo by Brian Kyed on Unsplash

Labels are like too tight pants. Have you ever gained weight, then tried to pull on pants that no longer fit? It’s uncomfortable, right? Belly and love handles spill over belt loops like foamy beer overflowing a stein.

I spoke with a trans-attracted man recently who claimed heterosexual as his label. He came to me like many trans-attracted men, stressed out. So much so he stressed his straightness to me, holding it before him like a shield in hopes it would deflect that super scary label: gay.

I explained to him problematic features labels come with. Labels, I said, offer boundaries far too narrow, so narrow they restrict everyone’s humanity. Like a collective pair of too tight pants.

Boundaries separating “straight” from “gay” restrict in the extreme, especially in men. One whiff of suspicion triggers some straight men so profoundly they resort to violence. That’s how uncomfortable such labels are.

This guy, Trevor I’ll call him, struggled with his heterosexuality while facing his attraction to Pre-Op transgender women. I told him he had nothing to fear about being gay because most traditional gay men wouldn’t find transgender women attractive, not because they are women, but because they aren’t men. Not in any sense that a gay man would usually find attractive.

Weezies comment
Gay men aren’t interested in being with trans women. Because they (trans women) aren’t men.

This eased Trevor’s mind a little. Then something funny happened that wasn’t funny in the moment, but reflecting on the conversation after the fact made me smile.

Visibly relieved, Trevor and I next talked about how he could explore his trans attraction. He had never been with a transgender woman, wanted to try it, but didn’t know how or where.

I never encourage men to go after such explorations. Especially when they feel like Trevor – insecure, shame-filled and nervous – because stories triggering such feelings are so strong, one is bound to have unsatisfying experiences. Experiences like this:

Drama
A client navigating his trans attraction.

When a man feels shame and embarrassment about his trans attraction, those feelings tell him he’s on the way to meeting someone matching that state, and what will happen next won’t be fun. But most men don’t know this.

Rather than pursuing anything, I suggest the man exercise patience while sorting out his stories. In doing so, he will naturally attract trans women into his experience. The more secure he gets in his stories, the higher quality women he will meet. And, searching becomes unnecessary, nor do costly websites. Instead, the women will come to him.

My case is a good example. In recent weeksI’ve met an Army company commander who now works at Google who is trans, a former data and communications tech who is trans, and two successful business owners who are trans.

What I offer works, you see.

Anyway, as I worked with Trevor, helping him ease his anxieties, he suddenly said something interesting.

“Now I’m thinking about wanting to try sex with men.”

That didn’t surprise me at all. This statement explains why labels unnaturally confine human experience. These thoughts Trevor entertained about sex with men were normal.

You see, humanity in general comes to earth to explore, play and delight in wide varieties of experiences. Sexual experiences along with every other experience are all within bounds.

When a person rigidly clings to labels and subscribes to their limits, stories associated with that clinging not only restrict what that person knows will delight them, stress between what the person knows and what the person believes creates stories which in turn create all kinds of mental turbulence…and realities matching that turbulence.

What’s interesting is how calmly Trevor accepted this new thought. He sat there thinking about it, tried to deny it only for a moment, then let it pass. I know this was the authentic Trevor, the eternal being here for the fun of exploration, I was now talking with.

So I told Trevor what I knew he was ready to hear; that he is an eternal being free of any label and delightfully eager to explore all kinds of life experiences. And, in that delight and play, he positively influences people around him and the world in general, which is exactly what Trevor knew he would do when he decided to incarnate. I told him his trans attraction, if pursued, would extend into the future a path so exhilarating, exciting and satisfying that he would not only relish his unfolding life, he would positively affect the lives to those around him.

That resonated with him, I know. But almost as soon as he acknowledged what I said, that too tight label reasserted itself and I felt Trevor get uncomfortable. Before that though, he said something else:

“I love you.” Yes, he said that to me.

That didn’t surprise me either. At the bottom of all this life stuff, we are flowing love eager to love. I know when I freed myself of the confines of any label, my love flowed and continues to flow, just like Trevor’s did in that brief second.

Which is enough. For once your eternal love shines through, there’s no going back. Only forward. Including embracing your trans attraction.

Trans Amory Starts With Self

No_More_Broken_Hearts
Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash

If you think you’re alone in your trans attraction, think again. There are all kinds of men out there, feeling exactly the same as you. Struggling with, feeling shame or embarrassment about your trans attraction? Many men feel similarly.

And, many trans-attracted men don’t feel like you. Such men embrace their trans attraction and enjoy fulfilling, happy, out-loud lives with trans girlfriends, partners, even spouses. Or they live alone happy in their singledom.

The same goes for trans women. There are trans women of every kind, of every political persuasion. There are trans women who think you (and me) are the worst kind of man. These trans women think we fetishize them. Some of us do, along our journey towards transamory. But not all of us.

That’s why I know every trans attracted man, or trans woman, has many, many potential matches. The question remains: What stories do we tell? Stories we tell bring us people matching those stories.

For example, some trans women who rage against men like us think all trans women feel like they do. They’ll share their knee-jerk reactions with their friends and get solace from them, not knowing that friends typically share similar stories. That’s what brings friends together. That solace doesn’t last though because when they share their disempowering stories and get agreement from friends, they unwittingly perpetuate what they complain about.

Meanwhile, there are trans women who are in their power. They’re happily living lives with loving trans attracted and transamorous men, or women or whatever. When trans attracted men get their stories right, they find more happy trans women and fewer bitter ones. That’s what we help men (and trans women) with at The Transamorous Network.

Stories shape relationship

One client I’m working with finds consistency in trans women he meets. He meets trans women who reflect back to him his own disempowering stories. Chase’s stories trigger feelings of unworthiness, insecurity and a lack of self love. He knows what he wants in a partner, but doesn’t believe he deserves it.

Chase’s mother raised him while struggling with substance abuse and sex industry work. Chase experienced a lot in his childhood home. Conclusions he made about life back then shape his relationships today. Chase confuses his self worth with money, just as his mother likely did about her self worth relative to her Johns. As a result, love and money get confused in Chase’s relationships.

It’s no surprise then that Chase attracts insecure trans women who seek their self-worth in lots of sex and flirting, including flirtatious relationships with other men, which trigger Chase’s stories causing him to feel insecurity and jealousy. They also equate love with receiving money. It’s also no surprise then that Chase fulfill such stories, giving these girls up to $500 a week. He says he loves them. But what’s really happening is, he seeks love in them that he can’t find in himself.

Craving that external validation costs him up to $2000 a month! He could get lasting and far more rewarding real love from himself for free. And use his money to rent a place to live.

Slowly breaking free

Chase is changing these days through the work The Transamorous Network offers. As his self awareness increases, he sees his relationships change in subtle ways. Sometimes, though, it takes him a while to get the message.

For example, recently a trans woman he’s seeing beat him up pretty bad when she perceived (accurately) that Chase had sex with someone else. This woman, like Chase, has stories stemming from her own upbringing which trigger her insecurity, unworthiness and pain and match her with someone like Chase. Violence between them comes from both parties ignoring earlier warning signs. Chase and I talked about these signs months ago. But Chase’s stories kept him wanting this relationship even though he knew what lay ahead.

After the second violent exchange, this time involving police, Chase sent me a series of texts:

Text one

Relationships always reflect stories we tell. I strive in my life to get those messages early, change the stories and thus enjoy better relationships and avoid drama. I encourage my clients to do the same.

Sometimes, though, it takes some drama to get the lesson. In Chase’s example, there were early signs his partner gets violent.  Ignoring early signs leads to stronger messages. After the last beat down, I thought maybe Chase had had enough:

Text two

But three days later he sent the following:

 

Text three

Sometimes it takes people a lot of drama (and perhaps some broken bones, black eyes and damaged property) before they learn the lesson. 🤷🏽‍♂️

The best relationship happens when a person discovers the love relationship between them and them. Relationships with others always reflect relationship with self. When I’m in love with me, I get relationships matching that.

So do my clients. Some clients get there faster than others. 😂

All relationships guide us to ourselves. When I nurture that love, love from others matches that. This is what I show my clients. It starts with getting over stories conjuring shame and embarrassment for who they are. The process never ends because self love has no upper limit. It gets stronger and stronger, more fulfilling.

As it does, romantic relationships follow. The best cis-trans relationships start with the self. From there, any relationship is possible.

Trans attraction and Knee “Jerks”

Insta Yuri Flips The Bird2

A client recently worried about how much her life changed since working with The Transamorous Network. She worried she had become so positive, she wouldn’t relate to her transgender friends, most of whom are negative, angry and bitter.

She also worried about whether she would find a partner. She felt so far from where she was before working with us that she wouldn’t be able to relate to “normal” men.

Her happiness, her positivity does set her apart. But is that really a problem?

Life experience matches beliefs. For many trans and trans-attracted people, that can bring love and fun and happiness. It also can bring anguish, fear, disappointment and discouragement.

Unless a person looks at what they’re thinking, life seems random, bringing a little bit of everything, good and bad. Depending on one’s dominant perspective, life generally gets better, stays the same, or gets worse.

When a person starts looking at what they’re thinking though, then does something about that, shaping their experience however they want becomes possible, consistent with the laws of physics, of course. A person may not fly like superman in their physical body, for example, but they can experience leaving their body and flying none the less.

Clueless reactions

It’s fascinating watching people react to posts we publish here at The Transamorous Network. It’s instructive too, because, when a person reacts, especially when the reaction is extremely negative, they aren’t reacting to some objective truth about our post. Instead, they’re reacting to their story about our post.

Take this exchange below, for example. This person knows nothing about The Transamorous Network, yet had a severe, knee jerk reaction to the title of a post we recently published: “Trans attraction is an adventure“.

andy knee jerk

I understand her upset. There are lots of trans women who share her opinion about trans-attracted men, about fetishization, and anger about being fetishized.

I know every story about every subject is never about the subject. It’s always about the story – the interpretation the observer makes about the subject. Stories will always create realities consistent with themselves.

So when a person acts like a jerk, like the person in the picture, that person is showing others the story they’re telling: an unpleasant one.

The real story

This post she’s telling a story about described an exchange I had with a young man struggling with his trans attraction. I told him his trans attraction is an adventure he came into life eager to have. Every life experience can be seen this way, I told him. Life is supposed to be fun, filled with love, happiness and joy.

But if a person looks to other people for advice and guidance, people who don’t know that life is an adventure, that person will get lives like those he seeks advice from. That’s not a good idea, I told him.

This trans woman didn’t bother to read the article. She interpreted the post’s title from her own stories then had a knee jerk reaction to it. She thinks the article is saying “trans women are the adventure”, which has nothing to do with the article.

It’s not much different from men who, struggling with their trans attraction, have knee jerk reactions to their own stories, stories that trigger within them shame and embarrassment, then do things that trans women don’t like. Such behavior makes them looks like jerks too.

When a man doesn’t want to meet in public, or ghosts a trans woman after spending months with her on instagram, that’s what is happening. His behavior is not about the trans woman. It’s about him and his stories.

But some trans women make it personal, then lose their cool. When they lose their cool, they set up future experiences just like the one they’re knee-jerking about.

Later, they see a post headline and lose their cool again, all the while not knowing they’re creating more experiences exactly like the last. Experiences that reinforce their disempowering story.

If there is a jerk in their story, it’s not the trans-attracted man. It’s the trans woman interpreting the guy’s actions as if they’re personal. They are not! She’s being a jerk to herself!

Unworthiness runs rampant

Many people tell stories that make them feel unworthy. They’re being jerks to themselves instead of loving themselves. There are a lot of people out there who believe they aren’t worthy of….well…a lot of things, including love and being loved. These are strong stories and when triggered, create strong reactions, which perpetuate more experiences consistent with themselves. In other words, if a person feels they’re not worthy of love, they’re going to see every relationship through that lens.

If a trans woman believes all trans-attracted men fetishize them, then they’re only going to experience fetishization, even when that’s not happening.

Back to my client: I encouraged her not to worry. The world is a big place and the Universe can deliver any experience. A person who tells positive stories develops positive expectations.  Those expectations must be satisfied by the Universe. That’s just how it works. So a trans woman believing all trans-attracted men fetishize will only meet men who fetishize her. And my client will meet men consistent with her stories too.

Everyone gets what they think about most. That’s why I don’t worry about my client. She’s going to meet her match. I don’t worry about knee-jerk trans women either.

 

 

Letters@The Transamorous Network

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Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy and this letter, from a person in Russia who doesn’t speak English, has been edited for clarity:

Hello!

Before I start, I want to warn you, I use Google translator.

[Am] I correct to understood that “The Man’s Guide To Finding Your Transgender Parter” [about] working with your own statements (on your blog, I noticed you call this “story”)? And with this guide you can remove all the “garbage”?

Also, with the help of it, it will be possible to find the most ideal and most beautiful trans-girl (with all the qualities (external, internal, sexual, etc.))? Even [if I have things telling me what I want is unrealistic (because it seems to me that my requests are too big…and I want to work out that too)?

[My interest in] Trans-girls began 10 years ago (approximately), I am 23 years old [now]. At one time I tried to suppress this attraction in every possible way, but it always ended in failure (and every day, I am more glad that I did not succeed in suppressing).

Like many, I was tormented by the thoughts “I’m a gay / bi / pervert,” but recently, I realized that it makes no difference to me what my orientation is, I’m just crazy (in a good way)) [for] trans-girls.

In the future, I want to find the only one with whom I will live my whole life, and that we live happily, harmoniously, cheerfully, so that we enjoy each other even just being together.

For myself, I realized that I am a monogamist and I do not want to waste time on temporary, short, one-way relationships.

I hope that I will use your guidance as soon as possible. Thank you for being there! I am glad that I am not alone in many thoughts. Sorry that the message turned out to be long, I just wanted to at least share it with someone. Happiness, kindness and all the best to you.

Evgeny

Hi Evgeny!

Thank you for your email. Google translator is very good!

Yes, The Man’s Guide will help you change your stories. Your current stories create your reality. In time, by focusing on stories that support what you want, you will meet the transgender woman of your dreams. No request is too big. No request is “unrealistic”.

The guides will work. But you must practice what they teach every day with discipline and rigor. If you do, you will see your desires happening. You will also notice other areas of your life improving. The guides will improve your entire life in addition to your love life. 😌

Some people have difficulty with a daily practice. That’s why we offer 1:1 mentoring. In the mentoring you get a weekly call with me. We talk you through using the material each week. Your daily life becomes your practice arena. The cost per month is less than one mental health counseling session.

I’m glad you found us. Your experience is similar to many people. You’re not alone and your desire is NOT perverted. I’m glad you’ve come to that realization and are ready for a wonderful love life. Because you are.

It’s normal to find transgender women attractive and worthy of your love. Because they are!

TTN