Tag: Relationships

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Where’s your baby?

img_3756.jpgThe infant kind. No, I’m not talking about you birthing a child.  I’m talking about the baby you’re bathing. 

Here: I’ll explain.

We all desire connection. One connection we most want, particularly as adults, is romantic connection. If you’re a transwoman, or a Transamorous Man, you, more than most really desire that kind of connection.  As much as you may think you’re the independent sort, can do it on your own (men) or don’t need a man to validate you (women), if a transwoman (for the men) or a great guy (for transwomen) showed up today and asked you out, I highly doubt you would say no.

Both Transamorous Men and Transwomen therefore have a desire for what every person on the planet wants. So why are you having such a hard time at finding it?  Probably because of your baby.

You see, when you’re complaining that there are no guys out there who will treat you right, you’re unlikely to find those that will.  If you say to yourself, “there are no transwomen in my area” it’s really difficult to find one in your area. The more intensely you think these kinds of thoughts, the more opaque go your lenses.  It gets to the point where there’s no way you can’t see anything but the reality consistent with your thoughts.

I talked recently with a transwoman who was a guest on our Podcast.  Anyway, she had this to say about the pool of men out there who are “admirers” and how they treat transwomen:

…we are kept as secret “discreet” hidden fetish fucks by the majority of admirers who hugged on to hetero-mono-normative relationships while getting into the desserts while no one is looking…How they dehumanize us all while admiring us.

It’s certainly NOT “admiring” when a guy treats a transwoman this way. Not by my definition. And while speaker did acknowledge backhandedly that there are a few “admirers” who won’t treat her that way (did you catch that?), the majority is what she’s focusing on. This is what I’m talking about.  Before she said this, she asked:

So are you asking for a trans-woman to go to your show and speak of rainbows and butterflies in how men date trans women?

If you’re wanting to meet a member of the minority who will treat you with dignity, then yes, I am asking not just our podcast hosts, but every transwoman who sincerely wants to have a real, lasting relationship with a great guy, focusing on “rainbows and butterflies.” Sounds counterintuitive, but this is the path to your joy and happiness, romance and a new life. You don’t have to do so if you’re a guest on our podcast, but you certainly must if you’re wanting a real-life connection.

If you’re thinking “all men” treat you a certain way, or there are “no men” out there who want you, or, that there are “no transwomen” in your area, then you’re throwing out the baby with the bath water. You don’t need “all men”. You just want one, or some number if you’re poly-oriented, or “non-hetero-mono-normative”.  You don’t need every transwoman, you just need one. Focusing on the majority is focusing on the bath water. While you throw all those men out, you’re throwing out the baby too.

So I ask: where’s your baby?

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Admirer? Really?

img_3755.jpg

 

This one’s really short.

If you’re out there hanging with guys known as “admirers”, and those guys treat you as…

“…secret “discreet” hidden fetish fucks by the majority of admirers who hugged on to hetero-mono-normative relationships while getting into the desserts while no one is looking…”

Then you really should question your definition of “admirer.” Here I’ll help:

ad·mir·er (ədˈmī(ə)rər/) noun: someone who has a particular regard for someone or something

 

re·gard (rəˈɡärd/) noun: 1. attention to or concern for something. “the court must have regard to the principle of welfare” consideration, care, concern. 2. best wishes.

If a a person treats you like shit, they’re not an “admirer”.  They’re something else.  If you want to find someone who will have a particular regard for you, who will admire you, you might want to change a few stories, stories creating situations where you’re willing to put up with being treated like shit.

As though you have no other alternative (news flash: You do have other alternatives!)

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This Kid Gets It

My Own StoryThis is pretty damn impressive. Imagine where you’d be if you understood this wisdom at the time when your writing was as shitty as this kid.

Yeah, my handwriting is still this bad and I’m 51. But I blame it on technology and keyboards.

That’s besides the point though right?

The point is, your stories are creating your reality. So if you’re a single Transwoman and you’re bemoaning the fact that there are no men in your area (or in the entire world) who will EVER be interested in you, well, this kid knows more than you do. I’ll clue you in though: you’re creating the situation where there are no men in your area or in the world interested in being with you!

There’s more to it of course. Especially if you’re over 10 years old. That’s because you’ve been living your life unconscious of this simple fact. So there is a lot of unlearning to do. Not to worry. It’s easy. You just need persistence. Oh, and you gotta know the clues which show you’re doing it right.

I can help with that.

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We are all connected

IMG_3717Why do so many miss this obvious fact? Wait. Don’t answer. I already know. The question is: do you really know?

Beautiful case in point. This article tells Tracey “Africa” Norman’s remarkable story as the first transgender BLACK model. It’s a great read. The way Tracey tells it, she had a much less difficult life as a female presenting male than the stories I see and hear about. When she finally aligned her reality with what she knew inside, her intuition had her finding work among some of the most successful black models in the world.

That didn’t last. Once the industry found out – as was often the case – all doors closed. Still.  Late in the story we discover how trans black icons today only recently discovered Tracey. But here’s the point: one of these people’s lives,  Laverne Cox, includes this seemingly “bizarre” juxtaposition of events, which, really just are examples of how connected we all are in this world.

Tracey had modeled “multiple times” according to the article for Essence magazine right up until around the 80s. That’s when her secret got out.  Her secret got out just as she was shooting her first Essence cover. She never got the cover and except some modeling opportunities overseas, Tracey’s modeling career ended abruptly.

Fast forward to 2014. Laverne Cox on her first cover shoot for Essence is tearing up thinking about Tracey and the trail she blazed, seemingly specially for Cox.

“I was like, ‘Oh my god, I’m doing a cover shoot for Essence and this is the magazine that 40 years ago fired a trans woman when they found out she was trans.’” She chokes up. “It just means a lot to me that history can be rewritten.”

Back then when the modeling industry canned Tracey, she had a thought about what she was doing.  Rather than sue (she said in the article she didn’t have the presence of mind to even think of doing such a thing) she thought differently of events unfolding in her life:

“I’ve always said that the person that walks through the door first leaves the door cracked. There was a perception that a transgender woman couldn’t be passable and work in fashion magazines and land contracts. I proved that wrong. I left the door cracked for other [transgender people] to walk through.”

The door stayed open for 40 years before Cox stepped through.  Not just once.  Multiple times.

These kinds of events, these connections which span decades, are happening in your life every day. They happen every day.  Some are decades old. Some open the moment you need them. Why don’t you see them? Why is your life not charmed like Cox or some other person you know?

Comparisons are futile.

What’s important is the nature of your stories.  What stories are you telling yourself? Your stories are the access to events being organized on your behalf. You can tap in to them effortlessly, including that event where you naturally, effortlessly meet your ideal partner.

It’s not magic. It’s not miraculous. It’s just how the Universe works. Claim your share.

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Our Podcast is looking good

Shannon and REmy
Shannon Scott and Remy Ilmatar, co-hosts of the Transamorous Network Podcast

I’m excited this morning. I’m thinking about the first episode of The Transamorous Network’s Podcast, which we recorded last week. It was fascinating. Remy Ilmatar and Shannon Scott, my co-hosts and I were so in synch with our thoughts and ideas shared during the show. I’m eager to share it with everyone.

We’re going go get a few more episodes in the can though before we launch it. Still, I’m excited. Can you tell?

Remy is a dear friend I met while attending a trans function here in Portland. We hit it off, had tea, hit it off even more, then became friends. One thing lead to another and I asked if she’d be willing to help edit the Man’s Guide To Finding Your Transgender Partner. It’s funny, I asked five of my transgender friends to read it. She was the only one who completed it. I admire her for that follow through.

Anyway, not only did she do a great job on editing the work, the work had a transformational effect on her life, even though The Man’s Guide wasn’t written for transwomen (I’m working on The Transwoman’s Guide now). She talks a lot about this in our first Podcast Episode. It’s so cool.

So far, one of the best decisions I’ve made with Transamorous Network was to invite Remy as a (test) Co-host. Her views are a perfect complement for the show. Of course, her credibility as a transwoman is gold, so is her natural character, which is a “I take no shit from no one.” May I sum it up that way Remy?

Expect her to have colorful things to add to our upcoming interviews.

I met Shannon through a series of events, events which I describe in both guides. They were a seemingly “coincidental” string of introductions, activities and conversations which had us meet. Our meeting, over tea lasted three hours! Neither one of us wanted it to end, we connected that strongly. Shannon is launching her own motivational speaking company to help corporations become more sensitive to issues related to gender. I’m thrilled she’s doing that work because she’s a natural. She tells her story in this first episode too.

Together, Remy, Shannon and I riff off one another quite nicely. I’m excited to work with both to them as test co-hosts. I write “test” because at the moment, we only have one show in raw production. I don’t know how this will turn out. So far though, I’m smiling. I think  Remy and Shannon are too.

I don’t know why we didn’t get a threesome picture together. We talked about it. Somehow it just skipped all our minds. It’s ok, there’s plenty of time to grab that pic. I’m just excited these two cool women are willing to play. It’s going to be fun. How do I know that? Because it already is.