How To Get Your Ideal Trans Partner In Bed

Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi

The easiest, most fun way to find yourself in a rewarding relationship with your ideal transgender partner is by becoming a match to your ideal. You do that by telling positive stories about life.

Speaking practically, telling positive stories creates positive life experiences. Consistent positive story telling creates momentum. Momentum held long enough, will draw your ideal partner right into your bed, guaranteed.

Simple experiments prove this. One need not understand or believe metaphysical or spiritual explanations for why this happens.

Think about it: if you want that beautiful, smart, confident, strong, capable courageous, proud and powerful transgender woman, and you are not beautiful, smart, confident, strong, capable courageous, proud and powerful, you’re not a match to what you want. You get what you think about, what you “be” about, i.e. what you tell stories about.

The stories you tell become who you are. From there, your life experience literally erupts from you, creating experience, people and events matching your stories. Everyone does this all day every day. Most don’t realize they’re doing it.

Why does life work this way?

Positive stories cause human senses to filter out anything not perceived positive. Again: our senses filter experience all day every day, allowing only experiences consistent with our persistent stories. Many transgender women, on balance, are fairly negative, so their life experiences match that.

Same with trans-attracted men’s stories about themselves, about life, probably and about transgender women. If one’s beliefs about trans women aren’t consistent with the trans woman one wants, guess what kind of trans woman one meets? If ones stories about themselves aren’t empowering, inspiring, positive and joyful, one gives off “vibes” consistent with disempowering, uninspiring, negative stories. It’s simple.

You may ask: What about people who seem positive? Why do they have seeming random negative events happen? Someone once told me a story of a trans woman they believed was always positive. She even practiced “the power of positive thinking”. Yet, someone murdered this trans woman.

The thing about creating reality is, one best knows what reality they’re creating in two ways: how they feel, and what shows up in their reality. It’s near impossible to tell what another has in their collection of stories by watching how they behave, or what they say. It’s much better watching how their life goes.

A lot of people who appear positive and happy, are not. They are insecure, lonely, they feel vulnerable, afraid and judged. Many seemingly successful and happy people exemplified this. Robin Williams, Freddie Prinze, Anthony Bourdain, Margaux Hemingway, Daniel Lee Martin, Philip Seymour Hoffman and many others struggled with pain and depression, finally taking their own lives when they appeared on the surface as “successful”.

So people usually have both positive and negative stories going on in their heads at the same time. Their lives include events exemplifying both.

Random negative experiences, such as getting robbed or raped, hit by a bus, or assaulted for being trans aren’t random. They come from long-term focus on negative stories or mixed stories with a negative ones outweighing positive ones.

The benefit of emotions

Often people can’t hear stories they’re telling. That’s why humans come equipped with emotions. Negative stories feel like “fear”, “insecurity”, “worry” or “victimhood”. Told often enough such stories become the person.

From the person then erupts experiences, people and events consistent with stories they’ve become. That’s why people get robbed, raped, hit by a bus or assaulted for being trans.

The same things happen for shame-filled trans-attracted men. Their negative stories about their attraction matches them to trans women who share similar (although not identical) stories. In other words, such men meet trans women who are not beautiful, smart, confident, strong, capable courageous, proud and powerful.

Often such feelings get past one’s perception because one focuses too much on what’s happening outside their head. Focus works best when it predominantly focuses on what’s happening inside one’s head first, since everything happening outside one’s head springs from what happens inside one’s head.

Negativity owes itself to positivity

Very few people chronically tell positive stories. There are many people, and a lot of trans women telling negative stories though. Everyone’s life matches their stories.

But even negative story tellers from time to time experience positive experiences. They do because a little positivity overwhelms tons of negativity. It does because negative “energy” isn’t an energy. Negative “energy” is what happens when positive energy gets diminished.

In other words, negative “energy” owes its existence to its relativity to positive energy. It has no substance, no independent existence of its own. It is defined by a lack of positivity.

What’s more, a chronically negative person still is, at the core, pure positive energy. That energy, no matter how obscured it may be by negative focus, still can overcome its overshadowed state when the negative-focused person drops their guard.

When he’s not paying attention, asleep or doing something “mindless” such as driving a car, taking a shower or experiencing something fun, positive focus’ power eeks through. That’s why a negative person can sometimes experience positive experiences.

Positive benefits feel fun

When I’m positive and excited by my positive stories, when I’m enthusiastic and eager about what I’m up to (or planning), I open up. I’m open to possibility, I see things consistently negative people can’t.

The world is full of delights.

Staying positive I produce results easily and fast. More important, on the way to those outcomes, I enjoy life more. That means life experience becomes more entertaining, more fun, more positive.

“Happy accidents”, what some people call “luck”, happen often for people telling positive stories. It’s not luck, but who cares what it’s called? Through such events problems solve themselves faster compared to focusing on the problem, trying to find a solution or trying to make a solution work.

When negative, one sees more negativity. Such focus turns things into “impossible problems.” When someone filters life through negative stories, the sheer enormity of bad things in the world overwhelms awareness. Every Transamorous guy becomes a “tranny chaser”. Every trans woman is a potential victim, every trans woman a guy meets ends up being a skeezer, working girl or gold digger.

A lot of people stand in such negative stories. Yet no such experiences need happen to anyone.

That’s incredibly naive

Someone reading this may not believe a bit of it. The majority of people believe negative situations described above are just natural parts of being trans-attracted, transgender or human.

I know, and my clients know, this is NOT NATURAL. Anyone well-practiced in telling positive stories discovers this.

A Positively Focused person knows her life experience springs ongoingly from her, not others. So she focuses on the one thing that really matters: her focus, not what others say, do or believe. Which is why my clients sometimes find their old friends getting on their nerves. My clients become so positive and their old friends’ chronic negativity so obvious, they become like oil and water: intolerable of each other.

Here’s the critical thing about being negative: It’s very hard to turn that train around. A life-long “realistic”, pessimistic or negative person may feel right about the world they experience. And they will be right.

They’ll be right because life experience springs from their stories. That doesn’t mean an alternative experience, one in which all desires fulfill themselves, including desire to have their ideal partner in their bed, doesn’t exist.

Momentum is momentum though. It takes a lot of work initially reversing negative-focus momentum. Since lives full of fulfilled desires are possible for everyone, that work pales in comparison to benefits derived, making the effort worth it.

Desires fulfilling themselves. It’s a life available to anyone, because everyone at their core is positively focused. It’s worth it. It’s fun and it’s everyone’s birthright. Even for trans and trans-attracted people.

Not living one’s birthright, in my opinion, is living. But just barely. Wanting that ideal woman in your bed is no fun if all you have is an empty bed.

But your bed doesn’t have to be empty.

Letters@The Transamorous Network

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Hi, I am a man. 26 years old and I like your show. I am a black cisgenderman and I am open to date genetic woman and transwoman.

I am also a french canadian so sorry if my message has a lot of mistakes. I have a question for you. I live in Montreal (canada), and it is not rare to see trans kids. I mean by that kid who start their transition before they become a teenager(for example at the age of 10). Do you consider these kids as transgender?

The reason I say that is because, if they transitionning as kids… they never really have the experience of a woman for example. From what I understand, when a person begins his transition as a child, This person is less likely to be bullied. The kids hang out with his females friends, everybody know her as a girl and her friend accept her. They are also more likely to have a boyfriend in high school and more likely to be a lot more confident about themself than a transwoman who transitioning later in her life.

The biggest challenge according to a report I saw, It is when they are teenager and begins to be a little less feminine (no breast, beard, man’s build etc). In my opinion, it is difficult to say that transkids are transgender

Thank you.

Franco

Hi Franco,

Thanks for your comment. Your question is a good one and we don’t have a real answer for it.

It seems it’s up to the child to identify themselves as trans (or not). We’re not big fans of labels anyway. In the future, far in the future, the label “transgender” will probably disappear along with, maybe, things like “male”, “female” and all the baggage that goes along with all that. Seems like that’s where we’re headed.

And when we get there, we think humanity will realize that it is all just part of being “human”.

Thanks for asking your question and being part of the conversation.

TTN

Letters@The Transamorous Network

 

Love@The_Transamorous_Network_ 3

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Hi there! Been loving the podcast, which I just discovered…

I have a question, and it feels very uncomfortable to ask as I continue to learn about the complexity involved with trans women and how they transition and the sensitivity around their bodies and not wanting to offend them with stupid or possibly offensive questions…

I’m embarking on my first relationship with a trans woman…we met online and have been hitting it off…we were doing video chat the other night and I noticed for the first time a “5 o clock shadow” in the shape of a goatee on her face. Im doing everything intellectually to try and not judge, or feel anything about her is “lesser,” but I can’t help but feel a loss of attraction. Im also now struggling with my own journey because although I have been with a trans woman before and im very attracted to trans women, I fear my expectations around appearance are totally warped based on pornography…and now i’m worried about who and what i am actually attracted to and what this all means.

Thank you for having this forum and allowing me to be honest. Again im not trying to be judgmental; I am just having a real emotional struggle around what I saw and how I am supposed to feel about it. Any encouraging words…or you can give me tough love and put me in my place…would be much appreciated:)

Thank you.

Warmly,

Clayton

 

Hi Clayton,

This is Perry from The Transamorous Network. What a great email you sent. I’m going to explain why, then I’ll get to your question/comment/concern. I’m going to respond thoroughly to it, so this email will probably be a bit long. Just think of it that you’re getting your money’s worth 😂

Sounds like you’ve watched or listened to some of our interviews on our podcast or YouTube channel, so you have some idea where we come from. Where we come from can benefit anyone, but some aren’t ready for what we offer. That said…let’s start with how great your email is.

The fact that you’re willing to challenge your knee-jerk reaction to what you saw is so great. Most of the time, when a person has a belief confrontation (a belief or story that reality “confronts” or offers counterfactual data in the “face” of the story) that person usually will react to the emotion instead of what’s causing the emotion. I’m pretty sure you don’t know what emotions are for (the vast majority of people don’t) but the fact that you’re challenging your initial feelings is a great indicator.

That you’re clear enough to write it down without defending how you feel, or more importantly, the story you’re telling, means you’re open to creating and then holding onto a better story. One that will, over time, create realities consistent with it rather than the stories responsible for the reality you now are experiencing.

So, this is why I said your email is great. You’re open. That’s half most of the battle. 😊

So here’s the thing about trans women: like you, they are going through a transition. That means, there will be times when they may appear more like they’d rather not appear than how they want to appear. Unlike any photo, or movie (doesn’t matter if it’s porn) or any relationship you see on the street that you’re not a part of, you are in this person’s unfolding life experience. So you are seeing all that she wants you to see….and all that she doesn’t necessarily want you to see.

How you respond to that in a large way will determine how she feels, then reacts to, her emotions/thoughts/stories about herself, then about you, about men (I know that’s unfair), about relationships, and about life. So you play a big role in this person’s life.

This is a big part of what we show our clients. You aren’t playing the biggest role in her life (she is) but you are playing the biggest role in your life, with her playing a subordinate role in yours.

In other words, you both are participating in creating the experience each of you are having. This is important background.

We tell our clients the following: when you first meet someone, you are a complete match to that person. If you remain in the feeling-place you were in when you first met that person, your relationship will unfold wonderfully. Most people can’t do that though.

Most people start allowing old stories to get activated, just like you’re doing here. We talk about story or belief “constellations”: a web of related stories one has, over time, fused with their attention. So at the slightest provocation, they get activated and when they do, it’s hard for someone who doesn’t know what we offer to do anything other than go along with the behavior pattern associated with that constellation.

In a situation such as what you’re experiencing, usually a guy will feel what you felt after seeing her with facial hair, activate his old stories about what “women” and “men” “are”, and what they’re not, what they have, and what they don’t, how they look and how they don’t look…even though, for example, there are PLENTY of non-trans women with facial hair!

Then they’ll activate stories about themselves: about who they are and who they’re not, about what they are and what they’re not, they’ll entertain “what if” stories about being out with such a person, being seen with such a person, and THE STORIES THAT WOULD GET TRIGGERED ABOUT THEMSELVES WHEN IN THOSE SITUATIONS….even though those situations aren’t happening, and don’t have to happen.

Faced with too much negative emotion and not knowing what that means, the guy, the usual guy, will ghost the trans woman. Or pretend to still be interested, but over time fade away. Or they’ll abruptly leave the woman with no explanation, or a bogus one.

Does all this seem logical? It should, because it happens all the time, which is why trans women have so many bitter stories they tell all over social media. Trans women aren’t the only people subjected to such behavior. It’s universal.

Here’s the thing about the person you are “embarking on” a relationship with: when you first met her you were “hitting it off”. Now, you get to see and experience stories you have that will put the kibosh on this good thing you have if you continue putting energy into them. Your stories create your reality. Getting to see these stories is fantastic, if you know what to do about them, because if you didn’t know they were there, you couldn’t do anything about them. So this whole affair is a GOOD THING.

Although it usually isn’t thought of this way, “attraction” is an emotion. You felt that emotion because you were telling stories consistent with feeling that way. Now, after getting data that was, still is and is supposed to be helpful (data = the 5 O’clock shadow) you are no longer feeling attraction. That means you have activated a whole host of different stories (a constellation) about all the conditions of your relationships (and more) that if they happen, will be unsatisfactory to you.

The thing is, you are love in a body. But that love you are is UNCONDITIONAL. You feel love for others because that is what you are. But when you tell stories inconsistent with who you know yourself to be, you feel other than what you are (love). This is the work of a human: coming into synch with what they are.

When you get there (and you can) your love for others becomes unconditional. Even if they have a 5 O’clock shadow, you love them no matter what. It doesn’t mean you have to be with them, which I’ll get to in a moment when I talk about your expectations.

You can be with this person no matter how they look “right now” because “right now” is on a continuum of “becoming more and better”. She’s going to get better and better looking as she continues her journey. Along the way, you get to play a role. The question is, what role are you going to play? You don’t have to play one. Which leads me right to your expectations. (No tough love coming 😊)

You have expectations because they’re supposed to be met. Every one is supposed to be fulfilled. But that doesn’t necessarily mean instantly. Nor can they be met if you aren’t a match to them.

For example, let’s say you want a trans woman who looks like the girls you see in porn flicks: mostly feminine looking, “passable” and with a penis (I’m not saying that’s what you want, I’m just giving an example). But let’s say you don’t want a porn star, you want a trans woman who is professional and successful but looks like a porn star. Professional like a lawyer, or an accountant or something.

That trans woman, your ideal, is not going to tolerate someone who feels insecurity and fear about what others think about them. She’s not going to be ok with someone who is trepidatious about their own sexuality just because he likes sucking dick.

So listen, your expectations are meant to be fulfilled. But you must first become a match to the type of person you expect! If you’re not a match, you’re not going to meet them.

How do you know if you’re a match? Look at your now and what and who is in it. And who you’re being. It’s very easy to tell. And again, expectations will not be fulfilled instantly like magic. That’s not how life works. It’s gradual, it’s a process. Just like your friend’s transition is a process.

So what if she has a 5 O’clock shadow sometimes? Sometimes she doesn’t. Probably most times she doesn’t. Tell stories about how good she looks when she doesn’t and focus on those stories and watch how you find herself together with her more when she doesn’t have a 5 O’clock shadow than when she does.

Or, you’ll meet eventually a trans woman who is further along in her transition and thus more of a match to your 5-O’clock-shadow expectations. But remember what I wrote above about how expectations work: you first must become a match to them before they fulfill themselves.

Now, about judgement. Judgement gets a bad wrap by most everyone. But life experience is designed so that you get to choose what you want from what you don’t want. You do that by judging. So don’t besmirch your judgments. Just be aware of how you feel when you judge so you can tune your judging so you get what you judge you want instead of more of what you’re judging. How you do that is what I show my clients and is too complex to share here.

Anyway, you’re doing fine no matter what you decide about this situation. You clearly have more sensitivity to what’s going on inside you than most. Don’t be hard on yourself, and, above all, don’t think that trans women are scarce and that you MUST make this relationship work because they’re so hard to find. That’s the biggest story that trips up so many trans attracted guys, besides fearing what they are because they find themselves attracted to trans women.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

TTN

Letters@The Transamorous Network

Love@The_Transamorous_Network_ 2

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

I feel bad. I see myself in a similar situation in the future. I am just too scared to meet with trans women. And I have been denying this for years and dating cis-women.

I’ve sometimes seen profiles in dating apps that emerged between cis women and stayed there reading and wanting to swipe right on that trans girl,  but ended up swiping left as my anxiety and fear would make things too hard.

At the same time I feel it’s unfair for the poor cis women I’ve dated in the past, although with some of them I’ve had a strong romantic attraction.

Jeb

Hey Jeb,

I once was there. I denied it for years. I didn’t fully embrace my trans attraction and let go of my fear and shame for a while. But then it got too unbearable not being fully myself.

I remember at the time dating a cis-girl. I went over to her house. She was the VP of an insurance company. Very smart. Pretty. Capable. Lovely.

But my desire for transgender women – which is a strong part of who and what I am – exerted itself. I felt great discomfort standing simultaneously in the reality where I was with this capable cis-girl, and the reality I knew was possible, a reality I call “having it all”.

So there I was, at her house. We were just chatting about nothing when all of a sudden, it came out of me. I blurted out “[her name], I can’t do this anymore. I love transgender women. I always have. I have to pursue that.”

I don’t remember what happened next. But I’m so happy I did that. The Transamorous Network, my current experiences…all of it…has come from that.

So really, my fear was more about being “out” about my trans attraction to myself than to others. Back then, my outer reality, the way I lived, matched my inner reality. I was miserable inside.

Now that those two are in synch I no longer feel fear or denial or misery. I feel the pleasure of integration and knowing, and confidence about the goodness of my desire.

You can have this too, Jeb. And you will. When you’re ready.

TTN

Letters@The Transamorous Network

Love@The_Transamorous_Network_

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Transwomen are not women. I wish we would stop saying that. That is INAUTHENTIC! I’m not dogging the attraction to transgender MTF – I’m just calling a spade a spade. They are NOT women. Maybe calling them that makes them and the men attracted to them feel better. But, I’m sorry, as a natal woman, I can say unequivocally, they are not women. That being said, your article has helped me as my husband is transattracted and I have known for a long time that I can’t meet his needs. Thank you for validating that.

Marcia

Hi Marcia!

You’re welcome Marcia. Yes. My wife couldn’t meet my needs as well. That didn’t make her bad or wrong. That’s just what was. What I learned from my marriage was she was a wonderful clarifier of what I really wanted. So our marriage was good for me. Perhaps you can see from a standpoint of the love you feel for him, that benefit you offer your husband.

It’s interesting. I participate in a discussion group of varied gendered people. When talking with both trans “men” and trans “women”, they revealed that they find being among cis-women and cis-men, now that they have transitioned, as very challenging. They find cis-people (men and women) far more distinct from them than they originally thought. It’s challenging acknowledging the accuracy of what you’re saying though because many, many, MANY transgirls want so bad to find a place to “fit in” rather than finding satisfaction and joy in their own distinctness, being as something different from both man or woman. It’s not as homogenous as you would think though. For there are, indeed, some transgirls who acknowledge that they are not “women”.

It’s all about the stories people are telling, right?

Until that unwillingness to accept themselves goes away, it’s going to be challenging doing away with this conversation. Part of our work at The Transamorous Network is having people authentically embrace who and what they are. For some, it’s a very long road. Glad we could help you chart your path.

TTN