Category: Transamorous men

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Where does transgender come from?

Born this way but whyLet’s presume you’re a transperson, trans attracted person or a sympathizer or ‘ally’. Why on earth would you willingly choose to be born as something seen by the mainstream as such an affront that the chances of you being killed (in the case of a trans person) or at least ridiculed (in the other cases)?

Lady Gaga says we are all “born this way.”  Ok, but why?

Why were so many people born black in the slavery days, jews during the holocaust, or residents of Hiroshima or Nagasaki on those fateful days in WWII? How about the people born to live in Syria or Iraq? Why would someone be “born this way” only to become a murder victim?

Is it all random?

Really?

I don’t think so. And I don’t think science is going to be much help.

Science admittedly doesn’t know the answer to the question “where does transgender come from?” Hell, they’re still trying to figure out how “boys” and “girls” happen. And so long as it denies existence of a condition requiring no-time and no-space, I don’t think it’s gonna find it.

I believe “transgender” comes from the same place “transamorous” comes from: That no-time and no-space state we all come from. Religion calls this state “heaven”. I have had a long-running beef with this concept, but now I can see why religion calls it that (in various permutations). It is, indeed, a state of pure positivity, where all things are known and possible and All Things are eternal. But it’s not a white robes and harps kind of place.

How do I know? I’ll get to that.

Words come with so much baggage, it’s challenging to talk about our origins.  “Heaven” comes with so much baggage, it makes understanding where transgender and transamorous originate a sticky topic. Especially when, supposedly, the “boss” in heaven, according to some people, abhors what transpeople are.

So I prefer a less-loaded phrase such as “Infinite Intelligence”, “All That Is”, or “Source” to describe our origins. These words tend to come with less past meaning.

What if there were very good reasons for why people come into the world and face such seeming horrendous experiences. What if there were very good reasons why you came into the world as transgender or transamorous? That’s what I’m going to explore over the next series of short, pithy posts.

 

Stay tuned.

 

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Free yourself from the shadows

llurk in the shadowsI’m a bit ahead of the curve on some of the work I’m doing. One is encouraging men to come out of the shadows of their trans attraction, into the bright warming sun of their transamory. The other is to encourage transgender women who persistently tell the story of “tranny chasers” and the struggles they face, to change those stories so they can live lives of joy and empowerment.

In both cases, both audiences are responding. But sometimes, my expectations get ahead of where people are.

Case in point: our Man On Fire Conference.

The Man On Fire Conference is the first-ever national conference designed exclusively for and about men who are attracted to transgender women; men with transgender children, parents or siblings; and men trying to figure out their unique part in the transgender phenomena increasingly dominating social consciousness. We’ve scheduled the conference for this summer.

After aggressive promotion via Craigslist and Facebook advertising, only three tickets have sold. What does this tell us?

I think many trans attracted men are still skittish about being seen in public as trans attracted. They aren’t too keen registering for an event, then coming to such an event in person. We’ve gotten at least 10 men who said they are interested. At least two men who are married expressed interest in going, but need to sort out how to explain the ticket and flight expenses to their wives. At least two other men complained about the price of tickets. We thought $35 was a reasonable price. But guys focused almost exclusively on the $150 at the door price (priced that way do encourage early registration). So maybe an in person event is premature.

So we’re considering changing the event to an online one, where men can participate in the comfort of their trans attracted shadows. We know there’s demand for what we offer. A lot of men are reading and watching our material. We know there are a lot of men out there who fancy transgender women. We know there is a lot of frustration, shame and pain being trans attracted.

We’re still searching for the right combination of things that will entice men out of those shadows and into the light. Maybe its the match-making service I’m piloting?

If you’re a trans attracted man reading this, let me know your thoughts on how we can better serve you. I’d love to hear your ideas.

 

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Get the girl. Easily.

IMG_0762So I’ve launched a new initiative to help trans attracted men get their girl. There are a lot of other results this initiative will produce, all of which will enormously benefit the trans community.

But the result I want to describe here is the one you men are most interested in: getting the girl you want and getting her easily.

I know how fucking hard it is to meet transgender women. I know because I’ve been there. I know all the elements which make being trans attracted hard. I know there is a pent-up demand among us men for a solution that will make it easier for us to get the girl. I know this because pretty much all the men who come on our shows express this desire. The women do too and I’m going to get to them, after I demonstrate success with a number of you guys.

Ok, about the new initiative:

There currently are five or so men who are participating in a pilot test. It is designed to produce circumstances wherein the men easily meet the perfect transgender woman for them.  The process starts by understanding the nature of stories, demonstrating through actual proof how those stories create physical reality, then creating new stories while practicing the art of storytelling so that transgender women come to the men….instead of the men having to go to where the transgender women are.

Of course, this story examination has several other benefits and challenges. It creates a kind of happiness, ease, and general satisfaction with life on earth. It creates better experiences throughout life, not just in the dating world. People who contribute to producing “negative” life experiences and drama naturally fade from one’s life. In their place come people who help create better life experiences, ones more in line with the life participants want. The challenges are that the participants have to confront their old negative stories and be willing and open to trying out something they may believe is bullshit.

All of this comes with a guarantee. It is absolutely guaranteed to work. What online dating site can make that claim? The test participants are not paying for their participation during the pilot, but the guarantee is there nonetheless.

Ultimately I plan to create a custom-curated exclusive community where trans attracted men and transgender women can meet under the best circumstances, circumstances where the man and the woman are on the same page about what a relationship is, what their relationship to that relationship is, an how to dance in that relationship in ways that every dancer gets what they want.

There’s a lot of potential for this to be life changing for participants, as well as life changing for the trans community. It could actually be the beginning of one of the most important changes the community has ever seen.

I’ll be sharing more as the pilot moves forward. Stay tuned.

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There are many trans attractions

There might be as many “trans attractions” as there are transitionary processes transgender people go through.

That could explain why trans attracted men come in so many different “flavors” making it hard to describe “trans attraction” with one definition.

There are trans attracted men who see transgender women as women, for example. These men also date cis-women, seeing no real difference between them and their transgender counterparts. Presumably, guys in this category don’t care what’s “down there”, or they may care a great deal: they may prefer only transgender women who have “gone all the way” surgery-wise.

There are trans attracted men who see women as women and accept (heartily in some cases) that some women have penises. This is not always a fetish, although there can be a period where men fetishize women with penises, just as there are men who fetishize other aspects of womanhood, and women who do the same. These men probably are the most visible as far as transgender women are concerned. They also tend to be the most vilified because they enjoy sexual expression with women with penises in much the same way that some cis women love strapping on a plastic penis and pegging men.

There are trans attracted men who don’t “bottom.” These guys like being sexually aggressive. By aggressive, I mean they express “outward” motivated energies as opposed to “inward” or “receiving” motivated energies. Aggressive isn’t always negative.

There are trans attracted men who love receiving. They enjoy the pleasure of being penetrated, of giving up of themselves, and find joyful self expression in a sense of self-control so total that they can give up themselves to another and find immense satisfaction in that act.

There are trans attracted men who see transgender women as a special kind of woman. “Special” doesn’t mean odd. It is a kind of veneration. They see transgender women as capable, courageous, and powerful, able to transcend typical female archetypes and, as a result, are life-changers for themselves and their partners. William describes his wife Nikki as this kind of person. He swears his wife transformed his life in ways unimaginable.

There are trans attracted men who are activists, focusing their energies on making society more encompassing of all expressions of humanity. They are courageous people who take a lot of abuse from the women they love, fully aware of the tension existing between their love for women and the revulsion those women have for them.

There are trans attracted men who struggle with their reality. They don’t understand their trans attraction, or, do understand it but don’t want to. They are invisible and lurk in the dark, trying to avoid their attraction through alcohol, drugs or compulsive porn consumption or denial. Like the drug-addicted, they occasionally seek temporary desire-gratification through serial one-time flings or encounters with working girls, and through Craigslist hookups.

There are trans attracted men who consider themselves too old. For whatever reason, they suffer alone, fantasizing about their attraction while married, or believing their time has passed.

There are very young trans attracted men who grew up knowing and owning their trans attraction. For them they see this as normal and live their lives as though nothing is different about them or their attraction. They are blessed.

There are married trans attracted men who can’t leave their cis-wives for various reasons. They put duty and expectation ahead of personal happiness and satisfaction. A noble, if painful, choice. These guys may or may not seek similar temporary desire-gratification of the struggler, getting just enough satisfaction to keep the urge at bay so they can go on with their normal life.

In her excellent Medium article, Detransition, Desistance, and Disinformation: A Guide for Understanding Transgender Children Debates, Julia Serano describes how there “are many transsexual trajectories” in “the messy backdrop of trans realities”. The same is true for the trans attracted trajectories. For each man’s path is unique. Each one has to walk his own self-discovery, sometimes leaving collateral damage in his wake, including broken families and broken hearts.

This isn’t a sob story, but an attempt to recognize a misunderstood/mischaracterized component of the trans community narrative. If you’re a guy reading this, you’re being increasingly seen. If you’re a transgender woman reading this, it would do an immense amount of good to sit down with one of these men and have an honest, open non judgmental conversation.

The life you change could be your own.

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Are trans attracted men “transgender”?

Oh boy, I can already imagine the responses to this post.

There’s a great article on Medium, written by Julia Serano. It’s pretty complex and long, but worth a read. In it, Serano describes how the word “transgender” came about. She explains that trans activists in the 1990s coined the term purposefully intending it to be “open-ended”. She says the term “refers to people who defy societal expectations regarding gender”.

And here’s where things get dicey. Because some society members, including early stage trans attracted men spooked by their self-discovery, would say that trans attracted men do defy societal expectations regarding gender. But this is where things get crazy. And confused. People generally, and our trans attracted men specifically, have an Ouroboros perspective on what it means when a man loves women who happen to be transgender.  I use the phrase “women who happen to be…” specifically because it points out the twisted logic. Which I’ll get to in a second.

If you troll Craigslist’s M4T sections in casual encounters. You’ll often find these men describing themselves as “straight.” This in my opinion is a result of the screwy perspective. I think the reason why these trans attracted men feel they have to clarify their orientations is because they don’t really believe women who happen to be transgender are, in fact women. Particularly men who are experimenting with being penetrated, or being attracted to women who have penises.

And the same goes for society. Society’s big beef with trans attracted men, calling them gay and such, stems from this flawed thinking. If transgender women are actually men, not women, then of course the men who are attracted to them must be gay, goes the thinking. So it’s no wonder trans attracted men must clarify in their posts that they’re straight. Unfortunately, for them, and their potential readers, this often comes off as an insult, because the women reading these posts are women. I think the reason they identify their heterosexuality in their posts has little to do with the women, and everything to do with their own self-view: They are writing their post as much for themselves as for those who will read it.

It’s interesting to ask: if trans attracted men are gay, wouldn’t they be interested in men who present as men? And I suppose the cynical answer is: not if they are too embarrassed to own their homosexuality. Being with a transgender woman could be more palatable for these terrified guys because at least they have some of the physical trappings of “real” women…

That argument doesn’t go very far when the trans attracted-to-transamorous trajectory is thoroughly examined. As a transamorous man myself, I know my process included experimenting with men and transwomen only to discover a profound distaste of men and an equal, continued attraction for both cis-gender and transgender women. I know and have talked with many men whose trajectories are similar. No doubt there might be men in the early stages of trans attraction who actually are gay and end up with men. But I would bet they are a tiny minority.

Back to “are trans attracted men transgender?”  It’s an interesting question. Serano says this about the term “transgender”:

it may refer to transsexuals (i.e., people who transition, who I’ll get to in a minute), people who identify outside of the gender binary, crossdressers (i.e., people who identify with their birth-assigned gender, but sometimes dress and/or express themselves as the other gender), people whose gender expression is non-conforming (e.g., feminine men, masculine women, people who are androgynous, etc.), and possibly others. Not everyone who falls under this umbrella will self-identify as “transgender,” but are all viewed by society as defying gender norms in some significant way.

A man loving a woman who happens to be trans isn’t defying gender norms. Unless you think such a woman is not a woman. But such a woman is a woman. So where is the defiance? If there is defiance, it can only be defying society’s (false) assertion that women who happen to be transgender aren’t women. And since that assertion is false, so is any defiance.

I’ve had two conversations with transgender women who offered the idea that trans attracted men are transgender. I’m not so sure that’s the case. But I’m open to hearing the arguments.

What are your thoughts?