Here’s a series of stories I tell often as a transamorous person. They’re why I experience a consistent happy life.
These stories create life experiences consistent with what I want, while keeping experiences I don’t want from finding me. It’s like magic, or a spell, but it’s not that. It’s just what happens when I focus on good-feeling stories. You can do this too. Try these. See what happens. You know they’re working when you feel good.
I like choosing to tellpositive stories
I like choosing to tell positive stories instead of letting what is going on around me to choose the stories I tell
I like that
I like how that felt coming up with that story
Choosing what story to tell instead of letting what is going on choose my story for mefeels good
It feels good deliberately telling positive stories
It feels good feeling how good it feels when I choose to tell positive stories especially when I focus on positive things to tell stories about
I like telling positive stories
This feels good telling stories about about things that feel good
I like stories that feel good
I like knowing when I tell positive stories I’m being my positive stories
I really like knowing this when things appear to not be working out
I really like choosing to know it’s going right when it feels like it’s going wrong
That’s a positive story
I like knowing that negative emotion is a positive thing
I appreciate what I feel because it tells me what story I’m telling
I can choose anything that feels better, talk about that and in time feel better
I know when I do that I’m telling positive stories
I know I’ve done that by how good I feel
I’m feeling good now telling all these positive stories
Editor’s note: The holidays suck for many trans people, especially those estranged from families. We’re sharing this Positively Focused holiday post because it can inspire those struggling during the holidays to transform old stories into new ones and create whole new relationships with the holidays.
The holidays used to suck. My emotional pain so grated on me that I forswore holiday celebrations of all kinds once on my own.
Now, I recognize I create my reality. Since the past is just another reality, I also re-create my past. That’s what happened this holiday season.
I’m sharing this for the many people who, like me, struggle with holidays. I know now “struggle” is optional. No matter how bad I used to feel, this year, I’m having the best Thanksgiving ever, in large part thanks to my house mate, who I’ll call Kimberly.
I’m going to relate how I transformed my holiday experience while interspersing some theory. If you want to know how all this works as a cohesive living approach I call Positively Focused, please visit my website. There you can schedule a free 30-minute 1:1 in which I’ll answer any questions at no cost to you.
How I transformed the Thanksgiving holiday in less than 15 minutes.
My house mate Kimberly is a manifestation I created after a wonderful ordeal involving previous house mates. In January I’ll tell that story.
Kimberly’s arrival fulfilled many desires. I know though that all fulfilled desires contain within them seeds for more consciousness expansion. That usually looks like “negative” experiences, although they aren’t that. Indeed, what happened Thanksgiving morning was perfect.
My potato au gratin
Excitement filled our little home the night before. We bought an enormous turkey, planned several decadent side dishes and even went in together on a new projector to watch Killing Eve and Uncle Frank, Amazon’s new feel-good holiday movie.
Settled in for the night, we anticipated a wonderful morning cooking food, listening to music and generally enjoying time together.
That’s not what happened, at first
I’m an early riser. Kimberly usually wakes later. I got up eager for our culinary adventure. But as I got things ready, I noticed she had made a bag of popcorn late last night. That meant, I realized, that she might not get up early enough.
Little did I know she had planned on joining me. She even set an alarm. But something went wrong. Little did I know how “going wrong” presents enormous gifts.
For hours I relished the morning, preparing our dishes. As turkey dressing time neared though, Kimberly’s absence loomed large. Where was she?
My veggie medley and the au gratin all ready to eat. Ignore the sponge on the range 😂
It was a passing thought at first. Then it turned into worry. Then it turned into resentment. Kimberly wasn’t meeting my expectations, expectations I thought we shared.
That’s not her purpose though
Kimberly need not meet my expectations. No one lives to meet my expectations. When I got that a while ago, I mostly stopped resenting people when they did their own thing.
Everyone comes into reality pursuing their fulfillment, whatever that looks like. The paradox is, when a person shows up in my reality, pursuing their fulfillment, I know now they aren’t real, objective people. Instead, they reflect back to me beliefs I hold in my Belief Constellation even while they pursue individual self-fulfillment.
Other people (as well as everything else in my reality) are physicalized versions of beliefs active in me. I tested this over several years. Improving my beliefs always changed people’s behavior, especially the way they treated me.
Today, people in my life are angels. They show me active beliefs in my Moment of Becoming on their way to becoming my tangible reality. Realities I want I welcome. Realities I don’t want I know I can do something about.
Our turkey cooking its patutti off. LOL
Here’s what that looks like
I knew from years of Positively Focused practice that resentment and worry had nothing to do with Kimberly. Instead they indicated beliefs active that drew into my now, an experience I preferred not having.
Realizing that I did something about it. First, I looked inside to see what thoughts/beliefs I activated. After all, I had enjoyed, up to that moment, being in the kitchen by myself, making all this food my way, without having to compromise anything about what I was doing. It was fun!
My exploration showed old beliefs I created as a kid active in my now. They were about my parents, my family and holidays with them. That’s when Kimberly offered an amazing opportunity. I could clean up those old beliefs and, simultaneously, clean up how I experienced my now, create better future experiences and transform the past too!
Once I got that I stopped preparing meals. I went to my room, set a 15 minute timer, then went into deliberate focus. In that focus I realized/remembered the following:
Kimberly is a manifestation. She is not real.
Kimberly is a manifestation of my entire Belief Constellation embodied in an apparition in my evolving now consciousness.
As such, constructively using realizations represents allows stronger connections with my Personal Trinity. Reacting any other way creates unwanted futures.
Kimberly’s choices are hers and those acts aren’t about me. But make them about me when I interpret them as such!
Such a wonderful gift.
Circumstances in life do this all day every day. People, objects, experiences all are physical representations of my ongoing beliefs.
For better or worse, most people don’t know this, so they interact with their reality as though it is separate, an objective reality apart from who they are, what they are and what they’re believing.
Even among those who know physical reality is a mirror of one’s internal reality, few know what to do with that information.
Those who don’t know struggle with all kinds of mental and emotional traumas, with few remedies other than iffy mental health therapies which often stretch over years and produce scant lasting results.
Rather than taking these wonderful gifts evidenced in people, places, objects and events, for granted, humans can use them for personal transformation. Done diligently, such transformation also transforms ordinary life into the Charmed Life I share with my clients.
Seeing Kimberly as a transformational opportunity also let’s her off the hook. She can be how she’s being and in the absence of me making her wrong, she becomes the angel she is, but only when I see her from my Inner Being perspective, my Broader Perspective which sees everything in reality as blessed, perfectly unfolding and beneficial to all the Universe.
Creating awesome from ordinary
The moment I tuned into my Inner Being, the discomfort, angst and resentment lifted. It was crazy how fast and complete it was! One moment it was there, the next POOF! Totally abscent.
What flowed in its place were thoughts about how wonderful this experience turned out to be, how good realizing that felt, and how remarkable I was as a deliberate creator creating this experience. I felt compelled to voice these thoughts:
Wow, I feel much better.
This is so much better than how I felt before.
Those old beliefs soothed in my awareness placed on more empowering thoughts.
I am having a good time creating a new reality with just my awareness.
I get that my reality is my creation, including other people in my reality.
Then I started thinking about the meal I’m preparing:
This meal is going to be really good!
The au gratin smells delicious!
So do the roasted veggies!
The stuffing is going to be good too!
Then came the extraordinary convergence of reality matching my new perspective: At that exact point in time, Kimberly came bounding down the stairs. I heard her walk into the kitchen from inside my basement space. Then she sent me a text:
Trippy! The very moment I tuned into these better-feeling thoughts, my experience of Kimberly shifted. A new reality showed up including a different Kimberly!
Nevertheless I wanted to amplify how good I felt. It felt so good. These thoughts flowed next…
That’s so cool what just happened.
I shifted my reality!
And my apparitions shifted too.
What I’m discovering is so accurate.
I love my Inner Being relationship!
I felt waaaay better by now.
In that moment I returned to my original bliss. I realized too my old beliefs transformed as well: I see them now as having created experiences long ago that, I was destined to shift, in my now, my current Thanksgiving; and in doing so transforming my past holiday experiences, my present one and all future ones.
I have wonderful new memories about the holidays. Memories made more powerful because they sprung from enlightened consciousness. I know thoughts born from enlightened consciousness are far more powerful than those born out of it.
I also now know that I’ve transformed past, present and future in one fell swoop. I know it because I feel it.
What does it feel like? It feels like Joyful invincibility.
Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
I confess that I’m a bit confused about how your service works. I am an older, respectful gentleman who has found that trans women have a strong personal appeal for a range of reasons. I live near NYC and hope to build a relationship, but can’t envision that any daily life instruction would assist me in meeting a prospective partner, but I’m open to hearing more.
Thank you.
Jeff
Hi Jeff,
What we offer is out of the norm. So people don’t understand what we offer because they are trying to understand it from comparing it to things they know….
We offer a way that connects you with your ideal partner, with no ambiguity or chance of failure. If you’ve read our blog or watched our shows, you know we talk a lot about “stories” – beliefs each person holds – and how those stories shape life experience. Inevitably people have stories that determine what they expect. What they expect then determines what happens in their life.
If you examine the thoughts and beliefs of trans-attracted men and trans women, you’ll find many stories that make it hard for quality members of each group to find quality members of the other group. Instead, what usually happens is, matches that happen reflect beliefs each group has about the other.
For example, a transgender woman who believes no man will want to be with her and also harbors beliefs that make her feel insecure will only meet men who themselves are insecure and want her only for sex.
We work with our clients through weekly conversations to expose such stories . Then we show the client how to tell stories consistent with experiences they’re wanting to have. In that way, they become a “match” to those desired experiences. Including meeting their ideal match.
So we offer weekly instruction (not daily) wherein we show clients how to create experiences they want, including meeting ideal mates. That’s our “match-making” process.
A client recently worried about how much her life changed since working with The Transamorous Network. She worried she had become so positive, she wouldn’t relate to her transgender friends, most of whom are negative, angry and bitter.
She also worried about whether she would find a partner. She felt so far from where she was before working with us that she wouldn’t be able to relate to “normal” men.
Her happiness, her positivity does set her apart. But is that really a problem?
Life experience matches beliefs. For many trans and trans-attracted people, that can bring love and fun and happiness. It also can bring anguish, fear, disappointment and discouragement.
Unless a person looks at what they’re thinking, life seems random, bringing a little bit of everything, good and bad. Depending on one’s dominant perspective, life generally gets better, stays the same, or gets worse.
When a person starts looking at what they’re thinking though, then does something about that, shaping their experience however they want becomes possible, consistent with the laws of physics, of course. A person may not fly like superman in their physical body, for example, but they can experience leaving their body and flying none the less.
Clueless reactions
It’s fascinating watching people react to posts we publish here at The Transamorous Network. It’s instructive too, because, when a person reacts, especially when the reaction is extremely negative, they aren’t reacting to some objective truth about our post. Instead, they’re reacting to their story about our post.
Take this exchange below, for example. This person knows nothing about The Transamorous Network, yet had a severe, knee jerk reaction to the title of a post we recently published: “Trans attraction is an adventure“.
I understand her upset. There are lots of trans women who share her opinion about trans-attracted men, about fetishization, and anger about being fetishized.
I know every story about every subject is never about the subject. It’s always about the story – the interpretation the observer makes about the subject. Stories will always create realities consistent with themselves.
So when a person acts like a jerk, like the person in the picture, that person is showing others the story they’re telling: an unpleasant one.
The real story
This post she’s telling a story about described an exchange I had with a young man struggling with his trans attraction. I told him his trans attraction is an adventure he came into life eager to have. Every life experience can be seen this way, I told him. Life is supposed to be fun, filled with love, happiness and joy.
But if a person looks to other people for advice and guidance, people who don’t know that life is an adventure, that person will get lives like those he seeks advice from. That’s not a good idea, I told him.
This trans woman didn’t bother to read the article. She interpreted the post’s title from her own stories then had a knee jerk reaction to it. She thinks the article is saying “trans women are the adventure”, which has nothing to do with the article.
It’s not much different from men who, struggling with their trans attraction, have knee jerk reactions to their own stories, stories that trigger within them shame and embarrassment, then do things that trans women don’t like. Such behavior makes them looks like jerks too.
When a man doesn’t want to meet in public, or ghosts a trans woman after spending months with her on instagram, that’s what is happening. His behavior is not about the trans woman. It’s about him and his stories.
But some trans women make it personal, then lose their cool. When they lose their cool, they set up future experiences just like the one they’re knee-jerking about.
Later, they see a post headline and lose their cool again, all the while not knowing they’re creating more experiences exactly like the last. Experiences that reinforce their disempowering story.
If there is a jerk in their story, it’s not the trans-attracted man. It’s the trans woman interpreting the guy’s actions as if they’re personal. They are not! She’s being a jerk to herself!
Unworthiness runs rampant
Many people tell stories that make them feel unworthy. They’re being jerks to themselves instead of loving themselves. There are a lot of people out there who believe they aren’t worthy of….well…a lot of things, including love and being loved. These are strong stories and when triggered, create strong reactions, which perpetuate more experiences consistent with themselves. In other words, if a person feels they’re not worthy of love, they’re going to see every relationship through that lens.
If a trans woman believes all trans-attracted men fetishize them, then they’re only going to experience fetishization, even when that’s not happening.
Back to my client: I encouraged her not to worry. The world is a big place and the Universe can deliver any experience. A person who tells positive stories develops positive expectations. Those expectations must be satisfied by the Universe. That’s just how it works. So a trans woman believing all trans-attracted men fetishize will only meet men who fetishize her. And my client will meet men consistent with her stories too.
Everyone gets what they think about most. That’s why I don’t worry about my client. She’s going to meet her match. I don’t worry about knee-jerk trans women either.
I spoke with a man this weekend in the early stages of the trans attraction–transamory journey. At his wits end, he contacted me hoping he’d get relief.
He didn’t get any. Instead, he got clarity about what lies ahead: an awesome adventure.
Steven (not his real name) wrote me the following email:
“I think I may be a tranny chaser because I fantasize about them. I have only told a few ppl about this and I don’t want to keep it a secret from people. Although I don’t know if I want a relationship with a trans woman. Can you help me?”
When talked on Skype, Steve was tied in knots. He hoped other people’s opinions might help ease anxiety, fear and insecurity he felt. But when he asked others’ their opinion he got more anxiety, fear and insecurity.
Rationalizing heterosexuality
Steve started watching porn when he was 16. Now in his mid twenties, he recently found trans porn transfixing.
“Something about women with penises I find attractive,” he said. Steve only watches trans porn featuring trans women masturbating. I asked if he imagined being the woman.
“No,” he said.
Porn can introduce a man to his trans attraction. It’s not the only way men do it though. Some find their attraction meeting a trans woman for the first time. Some find it through bars or sex workers. Porn is common though.
The more Steve watched porn, the more Steve found trans women alluring. They compelled his attention so much he felt near addicted to it. When not watching, Steve thinks about trans women all the time, he said. One day he figured he should try “experiencing” a trans woman, but the thought scared him.
Steve considers himself heterosexual. His arousal for trans women threatens this label though, and, like many trans attracted men, that real perceived threat causes fear and anxiety.
“How could I be heterosexual and like this kind of stuff?” he asked in resistance to his trans attraction.
I asked, “Why do you feel fear? What would happen if you explore this that scares you?”
The crux of many men’s fears about discovering their natural attraction to transgender women lies in Steve’s answer. Men worry about what others are going to think about them. So they feel insecurity, fear, anxiety and uncertainty in their budding trans-attraction.
The crux of many men’s fears about discovering their natural attraction to transgender women lies in his answer. Men worry about what others are going to think about them. So they feel insecurity, fear, anxiety and uncertainty in their budding trans-attraction. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
Focus on that too long and these men get taken over by their fear-producing thoughts or stories. They can’t stop thinking about these scenarios. Insecurity grows so big, they think their stories are happening against their will.
The only thing happening though is momentum. Repeatedly telling their fear-filled stories, these men give more life force to such stories. They’ve told such stories (entertained such thoughts) so often, those stories themselves become alive. If men continue telling these stories, they will become their reality. The negative emotions these men feel indicate they want something different than the reality that’s coming.
It’s not that they want to not be trans attracted though. It’s that they want to feel strong, confident and certain in their trans attraction. But their fears block that clarity.
Steve was no different. He said his thoughts about trans women and the anxiety he felt returned to his mind unbidden, at all times, throughout the day. He worried something was wrong.
“I worry what others might say and think about me, too” He said. Then he quickly added: “I want a woman and want to raise children”.
I know this common excuse used to deny one’s trans attraction. Wanting a family masks illogical conclusions drawn from fear and insecurity. I pointed this out by sharing two scenarios with Steve, one in which he’s married to a cis-woman, who, down the line somehow loses her child-bearing ability.
“What would you do in this situation?” I asked.
“We could adopt, or get a surrogate,” Steve said. I nodded.
Then I told the other scenario, one where he and a trans woman are together and both want a family, but the woman has a penis. I asked the same question. Steve got the point.
But here’s the strange thing about some men, including Steve. Men will sometimes turn to the very same people they fear rejection from, for advice. That’s exactly what Steve did. He asked relatives, friends, girlfriends.
Not surprisingly many of those people said Steve should avoid these thoughts and this interest. Steve’s reality already started matching his fears. Standing in insecurity, fear and self-shame, he got advice matching his worries.
Not surprisingly many of those people said Steve should avoid these thoughts and this interest. Steve’s reality already started matching his fears. Standing in insecurity, fear and self-shame, he got advice matching his worries. Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash
Trans attraction runs deep. It’s not something one can ignore once it gets triggered. I don’t recommend trans attracted men seek answers from other people, especially when first discovering their trans attraction. Everyone creates their reality through storytelling. So stories conjuring fear, anxiety and insecurity are bound to create people and experiences reflecting those negative emotions.
When a trans attracted man seeks advice from others while feeling insecure or shame, they’re going to get advice that’s not helpful. They’ll get unhelpful reactions too. For the people they’ll ask will be people matching the fear and insecurity the man feels.
Same goes for trans women, by the way. Which is why a trans woman who is insecure will usually meet equally insecure men. There are no “tranny chasers”. There are insecure trans women projecting their insecurities which create realities wherein they meet insecure men, i.e. perfect matches.
If it feels good, it’s right
Instead of looking for advice in others, it’s better to nurture one’s inner wisdom, then rely on that for guidance. Living life from here changes life experience too. There are a lot of insecure people walking around. Trans attracted men do better when they rely on their own inner guidance direction. But first, they must nurture that connection.
All these insecure people are looking to other insecure people for their answers not knowing the only real answers are within. Why on earth do we seek answers from fellow humans, many of whom are insecure at one level or another, when we all have secure, confident, clear inner selves guiding us all the time, if we’d only take time to nurture that connection then listen?
That’s what I told Steve. I suggested he look to himself for his answers because he knows better than anyone else what’s right for him.
“What feels good is right,” I said. “Follow that. Your trans attraction feels good. It’s your negative stories that feel bad. Follow what feels good and see where it leads you.”
Steve let out a heavy sigh. I asked what that was. He said he wasn’t ready for the “heaviness” of what he knew he had to do. I agreed with that. He looked like the weight of the world sat on his shoulders. I told him it wouldn’t stay that way.
For Steve and all trans attracted men: Trans attraction is an adventure. It’s part of the bigger adventure called life. You came to explore all your life offers. In that exploration you become more authentic in you and help others do the same.
Trans attraction can be a path of perpetual delight, but if you’re looking to others for their opinions about what and who you are and what you should do, you’re just making that adventure harder than it needs to be.
