Category: Self-love Acceptance

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What Happens When Your Date Doesn’t Go As Desired

TLDR: The author recounts an encounter with a married, transitioning person, detailing their feelings, reactions, and the ultimate end of the potential relationship. They emphasize the importance of handling disappointment positively and with unconditional love, sharing personal insights and advice for readers navigating similar experiences. The story highlights the power of creating positive stories to shape future experiences.

In December, I met this amazing trans person. How I met him was so awesome, I wrote about it in a previous post.

Now, before you get triggered about me using “he/him” pronouns, a warning: don’t make assumptions. This story has a bunch of awesome twists in it. Including one having to do with this guy’s gender identity.

So keep reading.

I wrote that previous blog gushing about how the Universe coordinates events perfectly. So perfectly meeting him was a foregone conclusion. After meeting him that first time, I was smitten. He gave me his number. Then we set up time to meet. It would be our first real date. An opportunity to sniff each others’ butts…so to speak.

I felt we were a perfect match. But it was clear Quinn wasn’t so sure. I was up for the exploration, knowing however it would go, it would be perfect.

Take note!

Did you notice that last sentence? It expresses the purpose of this post. I’m writing this post as a followup. But I’m also, as always, offering advice on how to effortlessly meet your match. And to share what to do when your match doesn’t go as desired.

What you do when things seem to go wrong determines your future. This shouldn’t surprise regular readers. Your thoughts in the present shape your future. Negative thoughts align you with future experiences that will match that negativity. Positive thoughts align you with future positive experience.

So when your date doesn’t go as planned, you have a choice. You can create a future that looks like the experience you just had. Or you can create a future that looks different. How you think is how you create. And most trans women and trans-attracted guys are creating futures resembling their past experience. Which is why so many in both camps are unhappy in love.

So take note!

The fact is, your dating life is going perfectly. If it sucks, that’s showing you something you really want to know. It’s showing you that what you’re creating isn’t aligned with what you want. So change your creation approach!

Unfortunately, almost no humans understand this. So they double-down on stories creating their unpleasant results. Doing that, they create more unpleasant results! You don’t need to do that.

The Universe always reveals

The first indicator something was up was the frequency with which Quinn communicated. Bottom line: there was no frequency, because there was no communication. That was a red flag. I sent a confirmation text, to be sure he gave me the right number. I didn’t get a reply until the next day. When I replied to that message, I didn’t get a reply at all.

Something was up.

Of course, he could have been busy. But think about it: if someone really wants to get to know you, won’t their behavior match that? The answer is yes! If they’re not matching your eagerness then they’re not eager. And if they’re not eager, that should give you pause.

Now, what you say to yourself about that is important. Positivity is more important than the truth. Because while people think the truth will set them free, most of the time, the truth binds them to things they don’t like. Especially if the “truth” they’re looking at is unpleasant.

I knew some of what was up. But the whole story, I also knew, would soon come out. That’s because I know the universe always reveals to me what I want to know. (<—-that’s a powerful story you might want to steal from this post!)

In our first encounter I mentioned my ex-wife. When I did, I noticed a shift in Quinn’s being. It was subtle. But my “spidey senses” told me something changed. That got confirmed later.

He drops a couple bombs

Quinn eventually did reply. Then we set a time for our date.

I got there early. He came on time, looking disheveled because he just got off work. Still, to me, he was radiant.

The first thing Quinn said was he is married…for 20 years! Married to his High School sweetheart! At that news I was crestfallen. But, knowing what I know, I quickly recovered my positive disposition.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to scare you off,” he said. Ok, I thought. Positive sign…I guess.

Then Quinn described how he started transitioning a few years ago. He and his wife no longer see each other as intimate partners, so they’ve opened their marriage. She has a few partners she is seeing. Quinn has none (this is important for later).

Quinn and I then dwelled a bit on his transition. I gushed about how attractive he was, both physically, but also energetically, which he could appreciate because, it turns out, he’s also heavily into spirituality. Quinn acknowledged a hormonal condition that naturally has him presenting extremely androgynous. In fact, despite having begun transitioning, he said he was taking testosterone.

“Why?” I asked.

He replied that he’s started to de-transition. “I believe my wanting to transition was self-directed homophobia,” He said. “My unwillingness to accept that I’m attracted to men.”

Wow. This was getting really interesting! So he transitioned because he had a story “only girls are attracted to guys. So I must be a girl.”

Personal expansion stares me in the face!

It was also getting interesting because in that moment I was discovering something about myself. Something that, again, made us perfect matches.

You see, in my spiritual practice, what I’ve learned is real love is unconditional. Real love ignores conditions. Real love doesn’t care about sex. It doesn’t care about gender. Real love doesn’t care about how much a person makes, or what that person does to make that money.

Personal preferences do care about those things. And personal preferences can trump real love, turning it into something other than that. And let’s be frank: personal preferences change. They typically are based on beliefs. A lot of beliefs about ourselves. And beliefs about what others might think. Including what they might think, for example, about our partner and how that reflects on us.

We all are all living, thinking, walking, being love. We ARE love at our core. But relationship expectations and preferences can thwart that realization. What I was realizing right around the time Quinn dropped these bombs was, maybe I could enjoy loving a guy. Why not? I am love. I want to love unconditionally. And here was the Universe bringing me a guy who reflected exactly what I was contemplating and throwing him right in my face!

It was LOVELY. And it endeared me to Quinn even more. Not less.

By this time, I couldn’t help it. I just let it all hang out. I told Quinn that, in no uncertain terms, if he was game, I’d like to explore this more and see where it goes. Quinn agreed we had a lot in common. He wanted to see me again and see where things went.

But I also sensed some hesitation in his vibration. And that was the next red flag.

Making him own his stories

After talking about his transition, or rather, his de-transition, Quinn asked me about my age. Or rather, as I prefer to put it, “the age of my body”.

Age is a big sticking point for humans. It can wreak havoc on all kinds of goals. Especially relationship and love goals. It’s something I’m working through myself. As I come more into being unconditional love, I’m letting go of stories about my age. Which is why I was able to talk with Quinn. He’s 36. I’m nearing 60 (although I don’t look it). I think the age of my body concerned Quinn. Particularly given the relatively short time he’s been in his.

Age is a big sticking point for humans. (Photo by Gert Stockmans on Unsplash)

So we talked through that issue and it was clear his concerns weren’t mollified. That’s ok, I thought, his concern has nothing to do with me. It’s about his preferences. Preferences that probably would block potential enjoyment he could have experiencing “us”.

Did you get that? That paragraph above is yet another positive story. In telling it, in my reality, I forced him to accept responsibility for his stories. In other words, I didn’t make his concern about age diminish my knowing of what I offer another. Nor did I let it invalidate my self-worth. That’s an important skill to cultivate as you explore relationships with other humans.

Quinn and I talked about other topics. Things we have in common, for example. We talked about his home remodeling project and our mutual love for BMW cars. That we both love walking and riding bikes as means of transportation was another thing we talked about. We did have a LOT in common.

However, I think Quinn couldn’t focus on the many things we had in common. Instead, he focused on things he saw as red flags.

What happened?

We never had that opportunity to meet a third time. Although he asked me to reach out to him in a couple weeks, when I did, he didn’t reply. And here is where the dating advice gets important.

At this stage in a relationship –– presumably the “end” –– what you do next is CRITICAL. What you do next either creates more futures consistent with what you just experienced, or, it creates CHANGE in your relationship experience. Since I know this, I created the latter.

What I’m going to share may not resonate. I’m in a much deeper, spiritual experience than you likely are. So what I did you might not be able to do and be sincere about it. But you can create your version of what I did next. And doing so will serve you tremendously.

After not hearing from Quinn, I did what I recommend all my clients do when a potential partner poops out: I created stories bolstering my positivity. Looking back at what Quinn shared, I could create several such stories. Stories that put responsibility on Quinn for doing what he did (ghosting) instead of making it about me:

  1. He’s de-transitioning. That must be wreaking havoc in his head. I don’t blame him for behaving this way. He probably has a LOT of things he’s thinking through.
  2. He’s married in an open relationship. I know from experience that open relationships can be hard. I imagine it’s even harder for a cis-trans couple married for 20 years and negotiating opening the relationship.
  3. This is his first attempt with a guy. He’s likely overwhelmed with the idea of facing his shame and self-loathing (he called it self-directed homophobia). My openness and willingness probably overwhelmed him. I told him with extreme clarity that I found him desirable. He probably doesn’t see himself as desirable.
  4. His wife has partners, he doesn’t. I know it’s one thing for a partner to have lovers. But when that partner’s partner starts seeing someone, it can be hard…for both parties. He’s probably finding it difficult to share. Or maybe SHE’S finding it difficult to experience.

These four stories, fostered a deep peace within me. They also had me feeling compassion and understanding about Quinn. It doesn’t matter if they’re true or not. What matters is how the stories make me feel. Because if I feel positive (and compassion and understanding are positive) that means I’m aligned with a better, even more positive future.

But I wasn’t just feeling compassion and understanding. I felt (and still feel) deep love for Quinn. An unconditional love. I could have been with him no matter what he was going through. And isn’t that what humans are looking for in a relationship?

Unconditional love: what it looks like

Unfortunately, most people who have an experience like what you just read will resort to blame. They’ll attack and accuse. They’ll make up stories that demean the other person, or themselves. Trans and trans-attracted people especially do this.

The problem with that is, one, the person you’re attacking doesn’t know what you’re doing. They’re not affected by it. Not one bit. Two, YOU ARE AFFECTED BY IT. And your future is too.

After a suitable time passed, I sent Quinn a text. My (unconditional) love for him was so strong, it just came out of me:

This is the thing: if you need someone you love in your life, or if you suffer because they no longer are, you’re loving them conditionally. That’s not what you are. It’s inauthentic.

I get it though. Society trains us out of our unconditional love. Movies, songs, parents, even potential mates do this. No wonder there’s so much suffering in the name of “love”.

My clients are finding their way out of that suffering. You can too. Contact me to learn how.

Quinn gave me a huge gift. One I’ll cherish. No matter who he ends up with, I wish him the best.

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A Trans Woman On The Ins And Outs Of Anal

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

I’m constantly on edge in my relationship with Muriel. That’s because I never know when she’s going to blow my mind.

That’s what happened this morning while chatting with her online. We talked about having sex with trans women. As our conversations usually do, this one got deep, quick.

Balls deep.

Specifically, we talked about the ins and outs of anal sex. No pun intended.

Some transgender clients express slight frustration with particulars of that sex style. After all, vaginal sex doesn’t require preparations necessary for good, clean anal. So some of my trans clients have less interest in sex at frequencies compatible with what they believe men will want.

Men will want sex more often than my clients, they say. Because of that, my clients fear they won’t be able to satisfy their men. It requires too much preparation. Other clients express lack of sexual interest due to HRT medication. That too, they fear will cause dissatisfaction in their partners.

Sorry, I don’t have a vagina.

As my GF and I talked about this, she went off. She shared a perspective I wasn’t prepared for. A perspective offering a no BS take on what anal is really about, what it offers and what it doesn’t. She also waxed poetically on a problem she thinks many trans women have:

I wonder how many trans women look at their sexual parts this way. Help me out: do you think you offer a substandard alternative to vaginal sex? Are you also thinking their partners won’t want anal as an alternative?

Muriel obviously has thought this over. Perhaps it’s something every trans woman must come to grips with. Muriel has come to a great place on it:

I think she has a point about trans women seeing themselves as second class. Second class to cis women. AND second class in terms of what they offer male partners sexually.

But there are plenty of men who enjoy anal sex. And, just to be clear, there are plenty of cis-women who enjoy anal over vaginal sex too. I even dated one some time ago. She LOVED getting it in the ass!

Meanwhile, as we all know, anal sex comes with poop. Trying to clean all that out prior to sex does offer logistics that can put the kibosh on spontaneity. It doesn’t have to though. Nor does the butt need to play second fiddle to the vagina. For women without a vagina, the “anal isn’t an alternative to vagina” must be unraveled. It’s not an alternative. It’s something altogether different.

No apologies

And this is where self affirmation comes in. Self affirmation means finding worthiness in who we are as we are. Self validation is another word for it. It’s the opposite of “outside validation”, which I argue a lot of trans women have trouble with.

So do trans-attracted men, btw.

After all, trans-attracted men on the DL are on the DL because they fear others’ opinions of their desires. In other words, they validate their desires and selfhood based on what others think about those things. Some trans women do the same thing. And that’s why both DL men and some trans women find one another. They are perfect matches.

Muriel isn’t about any of that. She’s not about apologizing for what she is. I love that. That and her humor:

It’s not about the sex

Obviously the choice to have a vagina or not has more to do with identity than where one wants a dick. Many (most?) trans women who opt for a vagina do so because it completes them. Sex may be a secondary consideration. Or, maybe, sex doesn’t even figure in.

So trans women who want a vagina needn’t be triggered by this story. It’s really not about them. This story is really not about sex either. It’s about my GF opinions. Opinions I find endearing.

I shared these opinions with a trans-attracted client of mine. His response: “I love the confidence expressed in these texts” he said.

I agree.

Muriel’s confidence is so attractive. So is her self awareness. I can see how cleaning up my own stories about myself, my transamory and about trans women have made me a match to her. For that, I’m grateful for what I’ve done.

I think Muriel is too.

PS — Did you like that pun in the headline? If so, drop me a message. I thought it was perfect.

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Transgender Self Acceptance: A Beautiful, Powerful Thing

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

I have a client on the Positively Focused side of what I do. She’s cisgender and has fallen for a man she manifested. But the man waffles a lot over his commitment to her. Rather than seeing this guy as not worth her time, because he does not meet her minimum requirements, she’s clinging to this man.

Because she believes this man is the only man out there for her, she believes she MUST have this man. As a result of her scarcity consciousness — about men and relationships — she suffers as the guy keeps breaking up with her, then he apologizes and comes back to her.

On my bike ride this morning I couldn’t help contrasting her experience with my own. As I’ve written in earlier posts, I now have a girlfriend. What’s remarkable, among many things, about Muriel, is her radical self acceptance. She knows herself. She recognizes those things about herself she wants to improve. And most importantly, one of those is not trying to pass as a cisgender woman.

I love that about her. Her radical acceptance of her status as a transgender woman resonates powerfully with me. That’s because I know the best happiness lies in self acceptance. Accepting fully who we are is the key to getting everything we want.

Loving who we are as we are

Self acceptance is a struggle for many transgender women. Muriel say this is because transgender women try to be something they’re not. I agree. They compare themselves to cisgender women. Then use that comparison as the yardstick for their “passability”.

Hopefully, dear reader, you can see the built-in struggle of that approach. Many transgender women compare themselves against something they’ll never be. And, in that comparison, they cannot accept a man who wants them for who they ACTUALLY are. So it’s no surprise such women struggle with finding love in relationship. It’s also no wonder they revile trans-attracted men.

They don’t fully love themselves as they are. So when someone expresses love for them as they are, they reject that person. As they reject themselves. Thankfully, Muriel is not that way. She loves (most) of who and what she is. So she can accept my affection. Indeed, my affection apparently amplifies her own self-appreciation. And I enjoy doing that for her. I reflecting back to her the love she has for herself.

Joy and freedom are at the heart of self acceptance. The more one pushes toward greater acceptance of all that one is, the more love and joy one will experience. First in themselves. Then in the world around them. In time the world will reflect back to them that inner state of joy. And when that happens, everything the person wants must show up in their life experience. Including lovers.

This is true for transgender women and trans-attracted men. It applies to everyone actually.

Loving ourselves is the best thing we can do to get all we want. Especially in love. (Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash)

Our perfect match is looking for us

Which again, is why Muriel and I have found one another. It’s no surprise that Muriel and I find the relationship we are experiencing satisfying. The limits it includes are perfectly matched to our life situations. Hers, being in an open marriage. Mine, being focused on my spiritual path. These two aspects of our lives are perfectly accommodated in what we share.

I want my Positively Focused client to find her full self acceptance. Doing so, she’ll find no need to pine after men. When it does, men like the one she’s pursuing won’t show up. Instead, she’ll rendezvous with men who are equally matched to her self acceptance. This already is happening. She’s getting better at seeing this.

Confidence, joy, freedom, security. All these are available to those who fully accept themselves. It doesn’t matter whether one is trans or cis. We’re all human after all. And we all have multiple perfect matches looking for us. Not just one. I love helping trans women and trans-attracted men find those kinds of matches.

Accepting oneself fully is not an easy matter though. Especially when so much of society conditions us out of self acceptance. That’s why someone like me can help those wanting joy, satisfaction and love.

If you’re one of those people wanting more joy, satisfaction and love, contact me. Results are guaranteed. Whatever you want you can have. But you first must become a match to it.

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Never Give Up Your Dream For The Perfect Love

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

I once had a female housemate named Debbie. She left her “real job” for a calling. Instead of that “real job”, she wanted to become a life coach. This was back in the day when “life coaching” was the thing.

Months went by and Debbie wasn’t making much progress. One day, I happened to see her in the house. In that moment, I knew Debbie had lost her dream.

The look on her face said everything. The dread on her face and tears in her eyes spoke volumes. Debbie probably feared what she thought would happen next if she ran out of money. I remember giving her a long embrace. I told her it would be ok.

Debbie eventually moved out. She relocated to another state, got a job and, today, as far as I can tell, is happy. She married. Got a dog. She’s gotten back into dance, something she loves. As far as I know, life is good for Debbie.

Too good to be true?

As I pursue my calling, I know how Debbie felt. Yet I persist. Why? Because I know something Debbie didn’t. I also had extraordinary experiences that convinced me I could succeed. Debbie likely did not. Finally, enough evidence has show up along the way to convince me I’m progressing.

For Transgender women and trans-attracted men, the calling often pursued is finding that one person who clicks all our boxes. Someone who will love us. Someone who we’re compatible with. A person we can love. Someone we find attractive.

But many of us think such a person is too good to be true. Like Debbie, transgender women and trans-attracted men actively looking for love don’t believe what they want is possible. So we give up. Or we compromise on our dream.

Transgender women will settle for other women. They don’t believe a guy will love them. Trans-attracted men will spend all their money on escorts. They don’t believe they can find a beautiful transgender woman who won’t reject them. We compromise on our dreams because the idea of never finding love feels worse than the compromise.

Of course, there are lots of transgender women happy living and loving other women. And there are some trans-attracted men who settle for cis-gender women and live happily. Debbie found happiness too.

But we have dreams for good reasons. Still, giving up on them seems rational. Especially when the dream itself seems so irrational. Or scary.

But all dreams feel that way at first. Especially big ones. For many, finding love feels like a big one.

Living the dream

Plenty of examples show how worth it pursuing a dream can be. Hell, the very act of transitioning was once a dream for many transgender women. Now, for most transgender women, it’s just a known and accepted process. We could even say that process is now pedestrian. So many folks transition these days it’s not a big deal anymore.

This can be the case with ANY dream. Including the dream of finding and living a life with a satisfying lover. But old beliefs, will resist anyone who dares to follow such a dream. Which is why dreams feel scary or impossible. It’s not that they are scary or impossible. It’s because we think they are. And those thoughts conjure negative feelings we call “fear”, “scary” and “disbelief”.

Think about it though. Anyone who has actually pursued a dream realizes something remarkable. In pursuing, fear goes away. Done right fear gets replaced by adventure, interest and passion. Then, in perfect timing, when the dream is realized, the path to that dream feels sweet.

Then others see what we’ve done. Our example inspires others. Then the world changes. That’s the power of a dream! It’s world-changing.

Living the dream then, isn’t about getting to the goal of that lover or whatever. It’s the journey to that lover. That journey is the adventure that makes arrival so satisfying. Which means living the dream is worth every step along that path.  And along the journey we inspire others.

We can all live our dreams. Especially transgender and trans-attracted people. In doing so we change the world. (Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash)

Is it worth it?

My experience proves what you’re reading. There have been moments of fear along my journey. But I know what “fear” means. Yes, there’s that “False Evidence Appearing Real” thing. But fear also is a beneficial emotion, like all emotions. Understanding what fear or disbelief tells us makes those emotions comply with our dream. And when that happens in us, it’s much easier to see the path before us. It’s much easier to see the end goal as a reality too.

That’s how my transgender and trans-attracted clients find their lovers. I show them how to turn their fear and disbelief into empowerment and expectation. Then I show them how to see evidence of progress toward their lovers. The more evidence they see, the more expectation and empowerment grows in them.

Before long, they arrive, happy and in love. 

Anything a transgender person or a trans-attracted guy wants, they can have. Such people choose being born as trans or trans-attracted for powerful reasons. One: their lives inspire others. Two: Their example changes the world.

I will even go farther. Transgender women and trans-attracted guys have a special relationship to their dreams. A relationship that makes their dreams that much more possible. Their dreams are meant to be fulfilled, in other words.

Getting what we want, especially love, can be scary. Especially when we don’t believe it’s possible. I don’t want to help you believe it’s possible. I want you to KNOW it is. Because it is. Don’t be scared. Live your dream. Have the love you want. I’ll show you how. Contact me.

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How A Transgender Woman Learned To Love Her Dick

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

Editors Note: This is a story by Kari Lassauniere, a transgender woman I have the distinct pleasure of knowing. I’m sharing it because the story offers a perspective that can be of great value to transgender women. I’ve edited it just slightly.

How did I get to accept the penis as a feminine body part? Or more importantly: how did I get to accept MY penis as part of MY feminine body?

This will be an article where we are going to talk about genitals. Sex stuff is going to come up. Colloquial and medical terms for specific genitals are going to be used.

I would, however, ask that you keep in mind I am trans femme. I write for myself and about trans women. But first, a little recap on what we are supposed to think about when it comes to trans genitals and why thinking that way is junk. Not that junk though. 🤣

The current narrative surrounding transgender women accepting themselves and then coming out runs something like this: As a child the trans person just knew they were trans. As a small child they intrinsically knew what being trans meant and that they needed to transition to survive.

This will manifest as a feeling of being “Born in the wrong body”. They will consequently have an awful childhood, no matter how supportive their parents are. They will come out publicly at some point and embrace all the überfemme stereotypes. At some point they will start hormone replacement therapy. They will absolutely hate their genitals and they will at some point have bottom surgery, specifically a vaginoplasty.

This is wrong. It’s all completely wrong and we need to tear it up and toss it out.

A different take

I am not saying trans people don’t need to transition, or that surgery may not be necessary. I am not even saying that embracing whatever expression of femininity that has resonance within you is wrong, even when that expression is looking like a barbie and dressing age inappropriately.

What I am saying is wrong, is the cis-heteronormative lens trans people and transition are viewed from. As long as you view yourself and your identity through this lens, you cannot accept yourself nor your transition in its entirety. With this conception of trans people and transition, genital surgeries are mandatory.

Through the lens of cis-heteronormativity the cis body, and state of being, is considered normal and desirable. Being transgender, on the other hand, is an abnormal and undesirable state. The state of being trans, in a cis-heteronormative society, is to be a faulty product sent back for repair. This is because through this lens “woman” actually describes “cis-woman”.

Dave Chapelle refers to a neovagina as “impossible pussy” in reference to the “Impossible Burger”. It’s not real meat, he says. It’s as near as can be without slaughtering a cow, but it’s still not beef.

Dave Chappell (left) with Jon Stewart performing at Royal Albert Hall in 2018 By Raph_PH

Listening to many trans women speak about their neovaginas, they use words like “it looks like a real vagina” or “it’s indistinguishable from a cis vagina”. I use the examples of Dave Chapelle, a virulent transphobe, and trans women because it highlights the near universality of this view of trans people. Both transphobes and trans people accept this paradigm. We, as trans people, buy this narrative just as readily as cisgender people.

However, a vagina is just one part of a woman and this view extrapolates beyond mere genitals. Cis-women are seen as the real McCoy and trans women as the near perfect imitation, if the transes have the snippity-snip-snip that is. This ideology, the idea that cis is normal and trans abnormal, starts at birth and pervades every inch of trans and cis lives. Worse yet it harms both cis and trans people.

An inconvenient mandate

When a child is born, a few things happen. The newborn gets weighed, measured and gendered. This is the first interaction the child will have with the prescriptive system dictating their existence from there on out. Gender is an understanding of oneself and as such, looking at a baby’s junk, before that baby has the mental capacity to understand the self, then declaring the baby’s gender as known – by the presence of a penis or vagina – is incorrect.

The best a doctor can actually do is assess the child’s genitals and make a relatively safe assumption as to what gender the child is, but at birth no one can be sure. By recording a known gender on a birth certificate and saying “Congratulations! It’s a Boy!!” a child is made either cisgender or transgender. You cannot be transgender if you have no gender to be incongruent with.

This is where the fault lies, this is where trans people learn to hate themselves. Within minutes of our birth we are labelled, categorised, documented, and our disorder cemented. In that instant we go from being a child full of potential, to a tragic story that needs surgery to – at best – be a very good facsimile of the real deal.

We also need to ask exactly what is a cis gender boy or girl? What exactly are we imposing on cis kids? Maybe they don’t feel the intense dysphoria a trans child feels, but by imposing a gender on that child, are we not stifling their understanding of themselves and their potential? Are we not putting the newborn into a limiting box?

In that moment, your genital configuration at birth becomes a predictor of your entire life story. If your gender happens to coincide with what society accepts as the genitals appropriate for your gender, you are cis. If, however, your genitals do not coincide with the socially “normal”, you are transgender and you are now abnormal.

A psychologist describing the “abnormal” state many transgender women fall into, which feels like self-loathing.

Coming to love her dick

So we get back to my earlier statement of genital surgery being mandatory in a cis-heteronormative society. When you accept cis as normal and trans as abnormal, you also accept prescribed remedies to bring the transgender body into normalcy.

Unfortunately, in this environment, your new genitals will always be “Impossible Pussy” and never a “Real vagina”.

You will be forever trapped in the wrong body.

Once again we need to ask the question: How did Queer Kari learn to stop worrying and love her dick? It’s a profound question. Strangely it had nothing to do with my penis. In fact it was completely unintentional.

I was born and assigned male at birth. Growing up I had the distinct understanding that there was an incongruity with my understanding of myself, and the identity imposed on me. I didn’t want to play with Barbie and I didn’t give a rat’s ass about the colour pink. I simply understood that I was not what the world understood me to be.

Later at Kindergarten, our class was divided into boys and girls for activities. And this is where the incongruence came a little more into focus. There I understood that I was seen as a boy. Unfortunately I neither had the vocabulary or understanding of myself to adequately express to either my parents and teachers that I was, in fact, some form of girl.

It was only much later when I had pried myself from the iron embrace of my parents expectations, society’s prejudices and religion’s clasp, that I was able to admit to myself that I was not male. When I did come out, when I did fully grasp what I was and was able to resolve the incongruence, my first stop was to start the process toward vaginoplasty.

We don’t understand gender

Before I got there though, I made a stop at hormone replacement therapy and feminism. Somewhere in the process of growing boobs, and a steady diet of Contrapoints, feminism and losing my male privilege, I realised something: Much like male privilege, cis privilege is a thing.

Cis Privilege is the idea that cis is the norm, the default and trans is not merely another state of being, but an abnormal one. This privileges cis people over trans people and creates a social inequality that cannot be opted out of. I cannot choose to be cis as a black person cannot choose to be white, as Matt Walsh cannot choose to not be an idiot.

This is what is completely wrong. And this is what must be torn up and thrown out.

When we remove the idea that trans is an opposite to cis, we accept that it is, in fact, just another possible state of being. Neither wrong nor right, merely being. From this position, the words “transgender” and “transition” can be understood to be constructed incorrectly.

If you understand trans as a “normal” state, then the word transgender shifts from meaning “someone whose gender is incongruent with their biology” to “someone whose genitals at birth are a variant differing from the mean“. We move to a position where we must accept that some women have a dick. Similarly when we look at the process we have labelled “transition”, we must ask: what exactly are we transitioning to and from?

Finding herself

When we accept the imposition that a gender is incorrect and that gender is an understanding of the self, it follows, then, that someone like me may never have been identified as a male. If I had a say in it, I would have ticked the F or NB box. And if this is an understanding of myself, exactly what gender am I “transitioning” from and too?

That is to say, no one is cis or trans, they merely are.

I didn’t accept my penis and learn to love it, I learnt that we as humans simply don’t understand gender. I simply choose to refuse to accept cis privilege. I am not “impossible”.

I am.

My penis was never a male penis. My body was never a male body. To me transition is a flawed term describing treatment for a hormonal problem that was causing me depression.

I am not transgender. I am Kari.