Category: Self-love Acceptance

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Are trans attracted men “transgender”?

Oh boy, I can already imagine the responses to this post.

There’s a great article on Medium, written by Julia Serano. It’s pretty complex and long, but worth a read. In it, Serano describes how the word “transgender” came about. She explains that trans activists in the 1990s coined the term purposefully intending it to be “open-ended”. She says the term “refers to people who defy societal expectations regarding gender”.

And here’s where things get dicey. Because some society members, including early stage trans attracted men spooked by their self-discovery, would say that trans attracted men do defy societal expectations regarding gender. But this is where things get crazy. And confused. People generally, and our trans attracted men specifically, have an Ouroboros perspective on what it means when a man loves women who happen to be transgender.  I use the phrase “women who happen to be…” specifically because it points out the twisted logic. Which I’ll get to in a second.

If you troll Craigslist’s M4T sections in casual encounters. You’ll often find these men describing themselves as “straight.” This in my opinion is a result of the screwy perspective. I think the reason why these trans attracted men feel they have to clarify their orientations is because they don’t really believe women who happen to be transgender are, in fact women. Particularly men who are experimenting with being penetrated, or being attracted to women who have penises.

And the same goes for society. Society’s big beef with trans attracted men, calling them gay and such, stems from this flawed thinking. If transgender women are actually men, not women, then of course the men who are attracted to them must be gay, goes the thinking. So it’s no wonder trans attracted men must clarify in their posts that they’re straight. Unfortunately, for them, and their potential readers, this often comes off as an insult, because the women reading these posts are women. I think the reason they identify their heterosexuality in their posts has little to do with the women, and everything to do with their own self-view: They are writing their post as much for themselves as for those who will read it.

It’s interesting to ask: if trans attracted men are gay, wouldn’t they be interested in men who present as men? And I suppose the cynical answer is: not if they are too embarrassed to own their homosexuality. Being with a transgender woman could be more palatable for these terrified guys because at least they have some of the physical trappings of “real” women…

That argument doesn’t go very far when the trans attracted-to-transamorous trajectory is thoroughly examined. As a transamorous man myself, I know my process included experimenting with men and transwomen only to discover a profound distaste of men and an equal, continued attraction for both cis-gender and transgender women. I know and have talked with many men whose trajectories are similar. No doubt there might be men in the early stages of trans attraction who actually are gay and end up with men. But I would bet they are a tiny minority.

Back to “are trans attracted men transgender?”  It’s an interesting question. Serano says this about the term “transgender”:

it may refer to transsexuals (i.e., people who transition, who I’ll get to in a minute), people who identify outside of the gender binary, crossdressers (i.e., people who identify with their birth-assigned gender, but sometimes dress and/or express themselves as the other gender), people whose gender expression is non-conforming (e.g., feminine men, masculine women, people who are androgynous, etc.), and possibly others. Not everyone who falls under this umbrella will self-identify as “transgender,” but are all viewed by society as defying gender norms in some significant way.

A man loving a woman who happens to be trans isn’t defying gender norms. Unless you think such a woman is not a woman. But such a woman is a woman. So where is the defiance? If there is defiance, it can only be defying society’s (false) assertion that women who happen to be transgender aren’t women. And since that assertion is false, so is any defiance.

I’ve had two conversations with transgender women who offered the idea that trans attracted men are transgender. I’m not so sure that’s the case. But I’m open to hearing the arguments.

What are your thoughts?

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“Not all men are chasers”

“What the actual fuck!”

If that’s the reaction you had to this post’s headline, you really need to read this.

For you have a couple of serious stories to unravel. Stories that are twisting your life experience into a knot of Gordian’s proportions.

Despite your protestations, it is absolutely accurate to say not all men are chasers. I get how you might be frustrated by men (or others) trying to defend men who are trans attracted. But there’s really good reasons why they’re doing so.

Here’s how the logic goes:

  1. Not all men are interested in transwomen. That alone destroys the argument that all men are chasers. The majority of men don’t give a fuck about transgender women. They aren’t trans attracted.
  2. Of the men who are trans attracted, some of them don’t give a fuck about you. They aren’t looking for someone who has a problem with men. They have self-empowering stories which leave them impervious to your anger: they see themselves as straight men who love women: and they see transgender women as exactly that, treat them that way, and are happily living lives totally oblivious to your opinions.
  3. Of those who *might* be interested in you, the ones who aren’t chasers you can’t find so long as you tell yourself that all men are chasers. Your story simply won’t let you see evidence that is contrary to the story. How stories work is incredibly simple. And equally powerful.
  4. So when you say all men are chasers, the only men you’re speaking about are the ones you’re meeting as you walk through the reality created by this massive overgeneralization. Meanwhile, there are happily married transgender women who are – SURPRISE! – married to men who aren’t chasers. There are happy transgender women who are having no problem finding men who aren’t chasers. And, there are men who aren’t chasers, who are going about their lives finding transgender women with whom they can have sound relationships. While you, disgruntled person, are fuming about experiences, experiences you yourself are creating.

I can see how this extremely powerful story gets started. Here’s one of an infinite number of paths (your experience may vary):

  1. Transgender person decides to transition.
  2. She feels economically oppressed by the financial magnitude of what it’s going to take.
  3. She is insecure about making these steps, but feels compelled from within to do so.
  4. She’s not trained in how to control her mind or her stories. Heck, she’s never even heard of “stories” in this way.  So when she thinks about these steps, she only thinks about the difficulty, the struggles, how hard it’s going to be and how all of that is going to lead to a very hard and lonely life.
  5. With that story ripe in her uncontrolled mind, she searches the internet. The algorithms, informed by her own conscious awareness, serve up account after account of other transition experiences which confirm her fears: life is going to be hard and lonely.
  6. During her transition, her stories are further confirmed through personal experience. It is hard. It is difficult, it is a struggle. Not because it actually is, but because that’s the story she’s telling herself about the experience. So her personal experience, combined with those other experiences she’s read about, is confirming her initial stories of hardship, difficulty and struggle.
  7. So now she feels lonely, depressed, sad. But she’s also horny, or curious, or desperately wanting companionship. In all these disempowering stories, she is insecure with her transition so she tries to get some validation. Where does she do that? She doesn’t go within, which is where relief is. Instead, she seeks validation in the external world. Maybe she seeks professional help, which is a good start, but you can’t sleep with your counselor, or even go on a date with them, sooooo…..
  8. She chooses some of the worst venues in search of validation, perhaps because they offer some pseudo anonymity: Craigslist, notorious trans dating sites, or dark bars with loud music and lots of alcohol.
  9. Unbeknownst to her, the guys in these places are in exactly the same situation. They are insecure with their transition. They too are out seeking validation/confirmation of their self-suspicions. They are testing/exploring their new stories about their trans attraction. They are on the down low for the exact same reason the transwoman is seeking external validation: they’re fearful, insecure, and seeking external reassurance. They’re trying to figure out this attraction, through exploration. Or they’re further along, but still in denial or insecure about their trans attraction, so they’re seeking temporary relief/self-satisfaction through a (for now) series of one-time flings. In other words, our transgender woman’s stories and these men’s stories are an exact match.
  10. So whether it’s craigslist, the local gay bar, or online on a dating site, our transgender woman’s experience mirrors her stories: she gets dick picks and one-liners on Craigslist; attention, leers and stares from uninformed, seemingly sketchy guys at the gay bar. Should she find someone who is willing to show her affection, and she’s desperate enough to take it, she ends up (the next morning) regretting her decision, feeling empty and, of course alone.
  11. Finally, in an attempt to justify her experience, and seek ego assurance that this can’t be her fault, she blames the men while totally oblivious to her own responsibility, which began with her not knowing that her stories created this outcome.
  12. Pissed and dejected, she confirms her experience with her friends, who, being friends, share many of the same stories and the same unwillingness to control their minds. The collective conclusion then is: it’s about the men. They are all chasers.
  13. Meanwhile, as I wrote above, there are many, many men, merrily going about their lives, loving, respectfully dating and yes, even marrying transgender women.

What the actual fuck?

Indeed.

 

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One study: These men aren’t gay

They're not gayBeing gay isn’t a bad thing. Labelling trans-attracted and transamorous men gay, however, creates a host of problems for everyone. Especially because that label – that men sexually and or romantically attracted to transgender women are gay – doesn’t align at all with how trans-attracted and transamorous men actually feel. It’s very similar to calling a transgender woman a man…when she clearly is not.

I just received a 2015 study from a transamorous man, which appears to confirm the fact that men like us are not gay. While I realize science is hardly objective, and has often been used to discredit the LGBT community, I was inspired to read this study.

This study showed there is a great deal of overlap between the sexual tastes of straight men and men interested in transwomen, whereas there is very little overlap between gay men and the men interested in trans women. Here’s how the researchers put it:

[Transamorous and trans-attracted] men had arousal patterns similar to those of heterosexual men and different from those of homosexual men. However, compared to heterosexual men, [Transamorous and trans-attracted] men were relatively more aroused by transgender erotic stimuli than by female erotic stimuli.

I knew this all along of course. I remember seeing a counselor with past cis-gender partners for couples counseling, something I believed at the time had value and merit (I don’t now). After having seen me through several relationships, he suggested I see him alone a couple times. After that he recommended I see a friend of his, another counselor. This person tried to convince me to own the “fact” that I was homosexual.

That idea felt so naturally wrong to me. Not that being gay was bad, but because it just didn’t fit how I felt.

It still doesn’t.

Clearly, this is just one study. Still, you gotta start somewhere. It’s good to see science catching up. As the transgender community draws more attention to itself, I’m sure more people will start looking at the part of the community that gets very little attention…and a lot of vilification…from both the cisgender community and, sadly, the transgender community.

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The pleasure that is Sarah McBride

SaraMcBridepromo We recently had Sarah McBride on our The Transamorous Network Video Channel. It was a great interview spanning two twenty minute shows.

Sarah, as you may know, is a major rising celebrity in the world. Not just in the transgender community, Sarah is making a name for herself on the political stage…literally, as she was the first transperson to grace the stage of a major political convention.

We talked with Sarah about intimacy, love, romance, what it’s like living one’s dreams and how others can actualize their dreams into their reality. But what was most interesting was our conversation about her brief but pre-destined relationship with her late husband. In that portion of our show, she waxed poetically about relationships and how profound and full of grace they can be.

Some quotes from our interview:

“Relationships can be the most profound expression of Grace in this world”

Her husband was fortunate to have been “Patient enough with me to give me the space,” which lead to them becoming a couple.

“The fact that we were the right people for each other and our paths were synchronized…is true!”

Tune in to both parts of the show. You’ll get a lot out of hearing what Sarah has to say. We sure did!

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A cheat sheet for the men

Youll find joy in your transamoryGentleman, there are so many women out there who happen to be trans who are appreciating us and our choice to live authentically. There are many who are sane (as sane as any other human), curious, open-minded and willing to self-examine. If I were in the shoes of men dealing with close-mindedness, drama and negativity, I wouldn’t say or think one more word about these women. If I were in these guys’ shoes, I’d focus on these other women, the empowered and employed, the happy and successful, until THEY are the dominant kind of transgender women I encounter.

If I wasn’t meeting these kinds of women now, I would focus on the idea of them. I would keep focusing on the idea of them and, listening to my inner voice, follow the impulses and explore where they lead. I would do this because I know in time I would begin rendezvousing with these kinds of women over and over until they were my dominant experience.

Along the way, I would look for and praise every result I could find as I did all this. No matter how small I would praise it. In this way, I would draw to me all manner of healthy, happy transwomen, and in my example be a powerful testimony for brothers like me.