Category: Self-love Acceptance

Posted on

A Trans Woman’s Worst Nightmare

Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash

The Transamorous Network offers free 1:1s for trans-attracted men or trans women to chat with us and learn whether what we offer can help them live more fulfilling, happy lives.

Most times those conversations offer insight and satisfaction for everyone involved. In rare instances though, something else happens.

That’s what happened this morning. This conversation offered insight into what many trans women experience in their attempts to fulfill their relationship dreams. It also sheds light on why trans women degrade men who naturally find them attractive.

A classic connection

Not many schedule a Free 1:1. Especially since we implemented a $25 refundable fee to dissuade men who schedule a free session (perhaps while drunk or high) then don’t show up.

We know what we offer the trans community benefits that community. Over time we’ve spoken to many, many trans-attracted men, trans women and people who don’t fit in those categories, yet express trans-attraction. Many such people thank us for what we do. But seeing our clients transform their lives prove what we offer helps.

Then there’s “Josh”.

Josh got on his free 1:1 this morning. Hispanic and in his 60s, Josh has been single for 18 years. Before that he was married to a cis woman, who divorced him after she discovered him cheating with another cis woman.

Like many trans-attracted men, Josh’s past includes experiences where he learned about and enjoyed sex with men at an early age. He also enjoyed and still enjoys wearing clothing seen by society as “Women’s clothes”. He wears nylons and garters under his male clothes and loves wearing negliges at night.

Josh married a cis-woman because, in his words, he was “battling what he really wanted” which included expressing submissive characteristics in bed.

And also, like many trans-attracted men, Josh first encountered trans women through porn. This happened in the last year, and since that discovery, Josh found himself irresistibly trans-attracted.

Marriage often, but not always, can smoke screen what’s really going on for both parties. Which is why they often end in divorce.

Stereotypes prove the rule

Many trans women encounter men like Josh. Josh is in his very early stage of the chaser to transamorous journey. This was clear from the first few seconds. He referred to trans women as “shemales” and “transexuals”. He fixated on the idea that they had penises and expected a trans woman would be happy being with a man who dresses in women’s clothes.

Josh expressed fantasies of him “doing” the trans woman and then her “doing” him. When I asked what else he liked about trans women beyond his ideas of what sex would be like, he offered very little.

“I like that I could take her out, wine and dine her,” he answered. “Then we’d come home and cuddle on the couch, with me in my lingerie.”

He mentioned nothing about what this trans woman might think, whether she might be intelligent, thoughtful, generous, kind, interested in world events, or interested in having children. Josh didn’t consider the amazingly admirable fortitude needed to go through what trans women do to align with what they know they are. In other words, he didn’t see his future partner as a person.

Still in the closet

When I gently explained more dimensions to trans women exist beyond where he focused, I felt him almost immediately become defensive. I explained how “shemale” and “transexual” were not the best terms, which he accepted. Then, changing the subject deliberately, I asked him what his friends and family thought about him wearing women’s clothes.

“Oh they don’t know,” he said. “They’d be devastated.”

“Why does that stop you from being who you authentically are and sharing that with them?” I asked.

He said he didn’t think he was being inauthentic by not sharing all of who he is. So I explained to him that so long as he wasn’t out and about about who and what he really is, and what he really likes, finding a match to what he wants will present challenges. I also suggested the way he talks about trans women indicates he isn’t quite ready to meet someone. Trying to do so, I suggested, would produce unhappy outcomes.

That’s when the conversation shifted for Josh.

Being on the down low (DL) indicates for the down low person that he harbors stories creating a reality he’d rather not have. But the DL person doesn’t know that, which is why he’s getting the results he gets, including feeling of shame and insecurity. (Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash)

Why women meet men like Josh

“Who do you think you are?” he responded. “You don’t know me.”

“I’m going off of what you’ve told me,” I said. “And what hundreds of men and trans women have told me.”

Josh didn’t like that. I suggested he had a lot of preconceived ideas about trans women. Those ideas, I tried to explain, would cause him more difficulty than satisfaction because he’s not a match to what he thinks he really wants, which is a loving relationship with someone who happens to be trans.

Josh told me I was not making sense, that I was not listening. Moments later he hung up.

Clearly these kinds of men exist. They are the kinds of trans-attracted men trans women meet a lot of the time. They aren’t ready to meet anyone seriously because they’re still trying to figure themselves out.

Experience often presents the best “figuring out” opportunity. Often that means meeting trans women via sex worker venues, or through dating sites. And, usually, that means men like Josh meet women who match who Josh is being.

That means a trans woman on equal story footing. Such trans women, like Josh, are unclear about what they want, insecure in their own self-acceptance, and harbor inaccurate stories about dating, what’s possible and what they want. In many ways, they’re transgender versions of Josh. So they’re perfect matches.

The best way, believe it or not, to meet your ideal match is becoming that which you’re wanting. That means seeing the best in everything you experience. That’s what telling the best stories is all about. (Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash)

Trans women don’t need Josh

Just because men like Josh exist doesn’t mean such men need be part of a trans woman’s experience. But they will when a trans woman harbors stories which make them a match to such men. If you’re trans and you think Josh is a “tranny chaser”, for example, that story tells me you’re on track to meet your Josh.

And yet, such men and the women they match with benefit each other. Through experiences with each other, a trans woman and such a man learns what stories need attention. It’s good knowing that because, if they don’t know what stories need attention, neither person fulfills their dreams. Particularly when it comes to relationships. Which is why many compromise.

So while men like this comprise many a trans woman’s nightmare, they can also be the best thing that happens to a trans woman. For in the experience the woman and the man stand in opportunity. Seizing that opportunity guarantees a new experience with better matches offering better opportunity.

Better matches don’t come guaranteed. People sometimes never get over their negative stories. That doesn’t mean you can’t be the exception because they’re always are. The question is: are you?

Posted on

Trans Women: How To Get Love You Believe You Can’t Have

The Transamorous Network
The Transamorous Network

Editor’s note: In this series, we highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

I’m 32, pre-transition and really struggling to cope after years of repression. I don’t know what do. I am in so much pain. I’m so lost. I’ll be honest I spent all night last night reading your site and crying. I saw there multiple times where one of the writers said ‘you only need one’ and it really woke me up. It’s not the first time I thought the same thing. There’s millions of men in the world surely one can love me?

Lonely and longing

Hi Lonely,

While it is true you only need one, literally thousands of men will (not can) love you. Millions “can” love you.

And yes, if you’re monogamous, you only need one of those multiple millions or multiple thousands of men.

The problem comes from where you stand relative to that man. Looking for love and not finding it resembles looking for sunglasses you think you lost.

You can’t find what you think is lost

I just ended a client session this morning where the client described how she lost her sunglasses. She looked for them everywhere, throughout her house…even in her car. No sunglasses.

Then she realized they were on her head the whole time. She pushed them up there earlier and forgot. Since she forgot, she tried “finding” them. She didn’t remember where she put them (on her head) because she stood in the “story” (the belief), that her sunglasses were “lost”.

Finally, she gave up looking for them and went on her errand. “Giving up” means, she let go of the story “I want my sunglasses. But I can’t find them.”

“I want my sunglasses. But I can’t find them” made it impossible – literally for her –to realize the glasses on her head. So close they were!

Yet, she couldn’t see them. She couldn’t even feel them!

You stand in the exact same place about this man you want. You literally can’t find him while telling stories you tell yourself, about boys/men, about love, about relationships, about YOURSELF about you being trans, about your worthiness and deservedness when it comes to loving relationships.

Meanwhile, just like my client and her sunglasses on her head, the man you want is as close as that. He’s literally moving around you all day every day.

But when you tell the equivalent of “I want my sunglasses. But I can’t find them” across all these subjects, he is as invisible and as lost as my client’s sunglasses.

And when you try to find him, you just exacerbate his invisibility.

You can’t find something missing, absent or lost while you think it’s missing absent or lost. Your beliefs (your thinking) create your reality (your life).

Becoming a finder

And yet, the pain you feel brings benefits. That pain tells you something important. But if you don’t know what it tells, you can’t benefit. It sucks when most people experience pain, especially emotional pain, for this reason. Most don’t know what pain offers.

I can’t offer something in an email that will move you out of your pain and into your ideal love relationship. That takes a while. My client load exists for that reason. But if you want, we can start that work together. Clearly, you’ve read a lot of our material, so you sense what we do and its effectiveness.

The good news: you came into the world knowing you’d have this experience. You WANTED it and you knew it would be an extremely rewarding and world changing one.

But like everyone (almost everyone), you’ve forgotten this knowing (like the sunglasses on your head) in the face of physical reality’s bewildering nature. Its detail, real-ness and solidity seem so real! And objectively separate from you.

We help people remember what they forgot, then show them how to use what they remember so they create reality in which what they want happens. When that happens, life for them gets as fun as we write about.

TTN

Posted on

That Horrible Trans-Attraction “Fetish” 😱

Photo by Lorna Scubelek on Unsplash

Someone sent the following response to a Medium article of ours:

“If you are attracted to transwomen because they are transwomen, That is a fetish,” The person wrote. “Just like if you are attracted to women because they are Asian or Black, if you are White. Not something to be proud of. You’re just being shallow.”

This person went on:

“If you are attracted to women and it doesn’t matter if she is a transwomen, there is nothing to be shamed of. Really, in modern times, I don’t think there is a form of sexual attraction anyone should be ashamed of except when it isn’t towards an human adult.”

Except any sexual attraction this person considers a fetish, apparently.

If your skin color looks like Tom Ellis‘ from the show Lucifer, and you think women who look like Ellis’ South African co-star Lesley-Ann Brandt are sexually attractive, you’re a fetishizer. You mustn’t be proud of that attraction. Even if you genuinely feel attraction to such surface features at first.

That’s what this person says. But is that accurate? Or is more going on here?

There’s more going on

While this person’s comment seems sensical and worthy of agreement, I think it merits further scrutiny. Yet I know many people, especially transgender women on the receiving end of trans-attracted men’s attention, will wholeheartedly agree with it.

That’s because a LOT of transgender women struggle in the self-acceptance department. And, of course, such women’s stories create their reality. No one gets around that.

So men they’ll meet will reflect “lack of self-acceptance” back to such women. A transgender woman unwilling to accept her status as transgender and enjoy that part of her, will create realities showing her resistance to “what is”: the material actuality of who and what she is as trans.

Certainly, a transgender woman is more than transgender. But resisting that material actuality resists what is. And when that happens, the resister will create material actuality reflecting back this unharmonious inner/outer reality.

That material actuality, includes men she meets.

Self-acceptance, for the trans and trans-attracted is key to love you want and deserve. And the most important story to accept is about accepting yourself.

The dilemma of living stealth

Every transwoman who wants to “live stealth” deals with such stories. Even if only slightly. For “stealth” means being seen and accepted as cisgender, which is not what a transperson is.

Certainly excellent reasons drive a trans person to wanting to live stealth. As this Wikipedia entry describes, living stealth can increase one’s self dignity. A person may feel they live fully in their gender when living stealth. They might feel safer too. So living stealth can soothe a lot of resistance. Living stealth also can cause anxiety associated with being discovered as not being cisgender.

That aside, all those excellent reasons – dignity, full access to one’s gender and safety – are states of being. A transgender woman can attain such states without “passing” at all. Let alone living stealth.

I encourage any transgender woman who doesn’t believe this to schedule a free 1:1 and find out. Most people though, generally, look to external reality to confirm, and in some cases create, their internal reality. So I get why so many trans women see passing and stealth as ultimate achievements.

The problem comes when reality hits that ideal. When anyone stands outside of what they want, feeling inadequate, not good enough, unsatisfied and anxious stands alongside them. Those feelings will create realities revealing inconsistencies in who one is being.

Everyone is perfect as they are, moving towards greater perfection. Hear the self-acceptance in that? But who one is being when not accepting oneself as they are now, can’t abide with who one is. The reason life reflects this disharmony is so one can do something about it.

Anytime one feels any less than positive emotion, that feeling indicates disharmony. Emotions such as hopeful, joy, freedom, appreciation, love, positive expectation and eagerness indicate internal harmony.

Perfect matches everywhere

Not standing in such positive emotions, again, creates life experiences matching that. The same holds true for trans-attracted men. Many such men don’t stand in those positive emotions because they don’t accept who they are either. They wonder if trans-attraction means “I am gay” (nope). They fear what friends will think. If married, they worry about wifey finding out.

Doesn’t it make sense then, that these two people – the insecure transgender woman and the insecure trans-attracted man – would find one another? Each perfectly matches the other in their beliefs. And beliefs or stories create reality, including relationship realities.

But if either party judges the other they match with as undesirable, then no progress happens.

Say, for example, the transgender woman harshly rebukes the man’s attention as “chaser behavior”. To the Universe she’s saying more loudly than anything else “I don’t accept myself as acceptable so this man who is attracted to me, can’t be for any other reason other than that which I don’t accept about myself”.

In reply to such stories, the Universe says: “Great. Have some more of this kind of man. Until you figure out how to accept what you are.”

In other words, non-self-acceptance is a tough place from which to find love. For in not loving oneself, how can one find love in another?

“But I can’t accept what I am.” Someone may say.

I assert that that someone already did accept it. They’re here as they are because they accepted that before coming here. And they did so for a metric shit ton of good reasons.

The best contribution you can make is by realizing you chose to come into the world as you are, accept it and get on with giving the world the benefit of that. We show you how to do that at The Transamorous Network.

How matches happen

Starting to see how a person attracted to a transgender woman, because she is trans, might not be a fetish? Far deeper explanations exist.

A person attracted to a trans woman because of her trans-ness gets there partly because he is part of that woman’s reality, showing her what she must know to get what she wants (self-acceptance). Another side of the story exists, of course, because both parties co-create the rendezvous.

A trans-attracted man in the “chaser” stage is trying to figure his shit out. He comes with pre-agreement about his trans-attraction just like the trans woman. While his path looks different, it’s actually the same. Mainly, he must accept what and who he is to get what he wants.

But, just like a guy who first discovers girls will chase girls for the “pune-tang”. The chaser-stage, trans-attracted man is like a dog in heat. Maybe he discovered his attraction through porn or a documentary or social media. Either way, he’s excited and intrigued. Hooked.

But he also doesn’t know anything about his object of affection. So he’s going to stumble. He will likely also question his own sexuality. He may even question his gender. That might trigger all kinds of self-acceptance issues. Especially if this guy, like many people, thinks what others think about him carries any importance.

It doesn’t of course, but most people think it does.

So now this guy faces a quandary. He found something he wants, but it causes non-acceptance in him. Getting what he wants requires that he accept what he is. But, just like the transgender woman who lives on the same “story level”, he can’t accept that he might be gay. He also can’t not pursue his attraction.

So he pursues, steeped in insecurity. His insecurity flows from him like radar. That “pinging” gets “heard” by those transgender women – and only those transgender women – on the same radar “frequency”. In other words, insecure ones.

Getting the love wanted requires putting out what you’re wanting. When you’re steeped in self-acceptance issues, you’re not doing that. Relationships you find while standing there help show you that.

An exceptional life awaits

What do you think happens next?

That’s right. The two match. So they meet.

What happens next depends on what moves each party makes. At The Transamorous Network, we show trans and trans-attracted people how to make moves leading to more positive emotions. Emotions such as hopeful, joy, freedom, appreciation, love, positive expectation and eagerness.

Why?

Because when one stands in those, one’s radar puts out signals which attract people standing similarly. Each client approaches dating happy. So better matches get made.

“Fetish” doesn’t apply to any situation. Especially when those using that word intend to demean the fetishizer or the fetishizing. Underneath surface appearances, a great and eternal dance roils. Huge forces swirl around these encounters, all of which flow from who one “bees” (as in being) at any moment.

So if someone wants to meet someone who wants them for who and what they are, that person must first stand in profound self-acceptance. Anything less will bring relationships showing why that relationship won’t satisfy in the long term. Hardly any relationships come meaning to stay because nearly all of us are works in progress.

We constantly get better, improve, change, become more. And perhaps the greatest challenge for humans lies beneath those words. We are constant, changing beings. Always moving forward. But accepting that in a world unwilling to accept people as constantly changing, becoming-more, eternal entities, can be tough.

That’s why we’re here. We help people figure this out. When they do, they become an exception. And in that, their lives become exceptional.

Posted on

Am I Attracted To Transgender People?

The Transamorous Network
The Transamorous Network

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I’m Jay and I’ve been interested in your site for a while. The only thing is, I don’t know exactly where I fall in the whole transamorous thing. Because I can’t really say that I’m specifically into transgender women.

What I find is that I’m a straight man actually into clean shaven effeminate men who cross dress. Unlike trans-attracted men, I pretty much label what I have as a fetish. I compare it to men who are into dressing up in leather, but instead, I’m into gay guys that dress up in women’s clothing and wear makeup. I’ve know this since I was in my early 20’s and now I’m in my late 50’s. But I struggled with it because I was afraid that this made me gay. So I explored that just to see if it was the case and as hard as I tried, I was just not into men. Not into muscles, penises, bodily hair, masculine men, bears, twinks, etc. But an effeminate gay guy dressed in women’s clothing was a turn on.

In my 30’s I had the opportunity to be with 2 cross dressers and it was amazing. Neither evolved into sex, but there were numerous kissing sessions with both and I can say the level of sensuality was incomparable.

Here’s the twist. I’m married and have been for 20 years. But still, I have that part of me that still has this attraction, however I have no intention nor desire to act on it. My outlet is through cross dresser porn once in awhile. I will not venture past that because I refuse to cheat on my wife with a cross dresser or anyone else for that matter. So this feeling is something that will obviously not go away and it’s not hurting anyone so I’m just trying to accept it.

My reason I’m writing this is because I don’t know where I fit into the transamorous title. When I’m watching adult materials, I actually skip the transgender section and go straight to the cross dresser section of the gay site to find depictions of bottom cross dressers being intimate with top men. And again, the level of intimacy and chemistry that I enjoy is unmatchable. So I’m not sure if there are others who relate to this.

Lost in my sexuality

Howdie Lost!

There’s no need to label your interests. Especially no need labeling your interest as a “fetish”. Your interest is not “abnormal”. “Normal” gets us all into so much trouble. What’s normal is, the vast diversity of everything, including sexual and romantic interests as well as sexual and romantic expression. So just enjoy what you enjoy and be done with this.

Your interest as you describe it doesn’t fit in the category “Transamorous” though. Transamorous as defined by its creator (not me) means “someone who is romantically interested in transgender people.” You describe your interest as categorically not that.

Now, some cross dressers are likely somewhere along a trajectory leading toward perhaps some version of transitioning from male to female. That could make that person trans, even if they don’t recognize it in them yet, in the same way trans-attracted men would, strictly, be defined as “queer”. But again, who cares if your interest falls into whatever category?

What we offer, in terms of encouraging people towards what they want, towards greater self-appreciation, self-acceptance and self-love, applies equally to everyone. Not just transgender and trans-attracted people even though that’s our focus at The Transamorous Network. In other words, no reason exists justifying you feeling confused, bunged up or shameful about what you find attractive, arousing or alluring. Enjoy your experience for what it is: a unique expression of what you uniquely are.

So what that you’re married. You can be married and still enjoy your attraction. It would be better if your marriage partner knew this about you, of course. That could afford greater freedom of both expression and being. But I can understand if they (your marriage partner) don’t know and you wanting to keep them in the dark, as many marriages aren’t built so much on trust and honesty as they are on desire, security and social norms.

The whole “am I gay” story trips so many people up, you’d think it’s the only option to “straight”. But there are as many variations of human sexual and gender expression as there are people. I would encourage you to drop labels and attempts to categorize yourself and accept who you are as you are and know what you are is right…just as you are. Relief you might feel in that may open more doors to all kinds of pleasurable futures.

Life is meant as a fun experience. Make it so by telling stories consistent with that. Then watch how your life becomes fun, the way it’s meant to be.

TTN

Dear The Transamorous Network,

Wow…wow!

Thanks so much for this affirming and uplifting reply. This made my day! I’ve had this attraction for years and have always kept it as my private joy.

I must admit that there was a ton of “confusion” in regards to my orientation at first but I never felt that I was gay because the litmus test that I used was that I had no desire to “receive.” By that, I mean even though I had a major turn on for transvestites, I had no desire to give oral or receive anal from them. I suppose to put it in gay terms, I would be considered a top. And not that this means anything, but we like what we like.

In regards to sharing this with my wife, I’m still a bit shy about doing that. Although she is liberal, there are still some conservative resembling opinions that I’m sure would inhibit her from fully embracing that part of me. I also know that there are people who are fully aware of their spouses’ tastes, but they make it work. For example, I belong to an Atheist organization and met a woman at one of the conventions who was happily married to a man, yet she identified as bi-sexual. For her, it was enough to state that she is bi-sexual and she has no desire to cheat on her husband. Likewise, I can say that I have an insatiable attraction to transvestites, but it doesn’t mean that I am going out there to live out my fantasy. I was with a gay crossdresser years ago and while it was very intimate, we did not go the whole way. But for me, that memory is enough for me to cherish because without a doubt, it was one of the most sensual, intimate experiences of my life.

I think that what it boils down to is that we all like what we like and there’s nothing at wrong with it as long as no one is getting hurt or taken advantage of. I’m trying to embrace this more and more and your response has helped me tremendously already.

So thank you for your words of encouragement. You are very good at this and I’m sure that you’re helping a lot of men who are dealing with a lack of self-acceptance.


All my very best,

Lost, but now found

Posted on

What A Powerful, Happy Trans Woman Sounds Like [VIDEO]

Terryel (formerly Tiffany) kicks ass. Six months ago she began creating new stories for herself. As a result, her life is on fire. Everything she wants she gets: Men’s attention, opportunities to express her passions, clarity around her family and friends, and, of course, good sex.

Don’t take my word for it though. Listen to her tell her own story. Terryel shows how telling better-feeling stories creates new, better realities. Her new ways of interpreting experiences leave her empowered and joyful. Instead of self-judgment/self criticism, Terryel speaks lovingly and confidently about herself.

How many trans women speak like this?

Terryel’s confidence, joy and clarity inspire. I cracked up at her newfound sense of humor. I felt moved by her insights, insights everyone gets when they realize they create every situation they experience.

Transgender women: DL men needn’t leave you feeling like shit. Desperation and fear about ever feeling loved needn’t worry you. Your happiness depends on no external situation, or person.

Once you discover YOU create every experience, even with DL men, empowerment will rise from within you. One that happens, confidence, assertiveness and joy becomes your all day, every day. Then, and only then, can you say good bye to men who treat you poorly, or circumstances you prefer not to have.

All those things spring from within you too. Change your stories though, and, like Terryel here, you’ll uncover your freedom, your power and your joy. Then a life consistent with all that will be yours. Guaranteed.