Category: Relationships

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Destroying the chaser/fetish trans trope

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Photo by Mercedes Mehling on Unsplash

Once I talked with a frustrated trans man. We interviewed him actually. He lamented how “dick centric” the gay community is and how gay men with vaginas have hard times dating. Or even having sex.

Gay men aren’t the only ones with a dick-centrism problem. A certain negative dick-centrism also dictates (dick-tates?) the transgender dating world’s focus on “chasers”: fetish men, presumably seeking casual encounters with “pre operative” trans women.

The Transamorous Network is central to this chaser conversation. The transgender community’s strong attachment and revulsion to “chaser behavior” may stem from a deep and equal revulsion some transgender women have about their pre-operative parts.

Don’t get me wrong: not all transgender women are so repulsed. But some are. Some men are too. A woman with a penis, for some men, just doesn’t compute. But for others, it’s as normal as anything.

We get emails from time to time from these men. Men who are shamed into obscurity for their attraction to women with penises. And men who are proud of their attraction. I know there are trans women too who have no qualms having a penis.

But the negative dick-centric narrative among transgender community members appears to be monopolized by those vocal trans women who may revile their penis. Then project their revulsion on to men who find women with penises desirable. Despite the vocal cries, these men’s desire is not dick centric. Well, it can be. At first.

But many men get past that, finding their trans-attraction a huge gift. Trans women are beautiful, smart, strong, and powerful after all.

It’s because of one such man that I’m writing this post. He made a comment today on one of our more popular, timeless posts on our website. His comment is so good, rather than paraphrase it, I’m pasting it here in its entirety. It does a great job making the case (and winning it, IMO) that women with penises are perfectly normal and men who love such women are too.

Why is it that only one type of preference in a woman’s genitalia is a fetish? A man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a penis has a fetish but a man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a vagina does not have a fetish? What’s the difference?

Are the men who are attracted to women with vaginas healthy and normal (since they don’t have a fetish) while those who desire a woman with a penis deviants and abnormal?

Given an attractive pre-op trans woman, many cis men would initially be attracted to her. However the vast majority of them will cease to have any interest in her once they know that she has a penis. Sad but true.

The men who remain attracted to her because she has a penis are then labeled as chasers with a fetish. Also sad and also true.

So who does that leave as potential mates for the transgender woman? The ideal man to whom genitalia is absolutely irrelevant when choosing a partner? While I aspire to be such a man, I do not believe that many of them exist in our present level of evolution. I have yet to meet the man that truly doesn’t care what is between a woman’s legs. Again, sad but true.

By labeling any man who is attracted to a woman with a penis as a chaser with a fetish, pre-op transgender women eliminate the entire pool of men who might be attracted to them. Who’s left?

I am not saying that men only care about what is between a woman’s legs in choosing a mate. However what is between her legs determines whether a man will even take the next step to get to know her. The fact is, the vast majority of men will dismiss a pre-op transgender woman without knowing anything else about her. For them, she has a penis, that’s it, end of discussion.

Why, then, should we eliminate the men who want to take the time to get to know a pre-op transgender woman and learn if there is a mental and spiritual connection? Nope, those guys have a fetish! They want a woman with a penis! Out they go!

One last question. As a pre-op transgender woman, why wouldn’t you want a guy who wants you exactly the way you are? I am in a relationship with a transgender woman who has never had any surgery nor taken any hormones. I wouldn’t change a hair on her head but then again, I must be a man with a fetish.

It’s interesting that many men who come into their transamory eventually begin thinking these kinds of thoughts, thoughts which broaden their perspective.

Our realities are created through thoughts we think. No thought is off limits. If you believe your penis is something you must get rid of in order to feel integrated, then go for it.

But there may be a thought you may not be aware of driving such desires: thoughts society wants you to think. Thoughts which define for us what being a woman is. I choose to choose my own definition as well as my own thoughts. So do many trans-attracted men.

I’m not suggesting every transgender woman keep their penis. I am suggesting that the transgender community is doing itself a great disservice by vilifying men who think trans women who have penises are marvelous. I would say this man agrees.

The path to expressing our leadership as members of the transgender community begins with letting go of self-loathing. That’s exactly what the “chaser” trope expresses. Let it go.

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A Client Gets A Relationship, Part 2

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Welcome back.

Last time I wrote about Joe (not his real name) a client who met his ideal match in a transgender woman. Joe was excited about this. He felt the Universe designed this gathering.

It did.

But the “why” wasn’t what Joe thought.

This post details what happened after Joe’s initial excitement and enthusiasm. It also sheds more light on our framework. Why it is so powerful. And why we guarantee you’ll get your ideal match.

That and a whole lot more. Let’s get started.

• • •

By his ninth session, Joe’s enthusiasm disappeared. He was low-energy. Not the excited person from our cancelled seventh session.

Turns out Cassandra (not her real name either), the transgender woman he met, hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Despondent, Joe had all kinds of negative stories about why. Stories about the experience. Stories about himself. Stories about our approach.

Joe’s grumpiness matched all these stories. Joe thought something went wrong.

 

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Nothing went wrong.

Instead, Joe’s life experience showed him what he must change if he wants his ideal partner. Remy says this all the time. If you want your ideal match you must become a match to them.

Joe is not yet a match. So he drew to himself someone who matches where he is. The gift of this perfect relationship connection is, it showed this to him.

That doesn’t mean he liked what he saw.

But had he been able to, he would have benefitted even more from the experience.

Life is eternal. You always get more chances so nothing is lost. Nothing goes wrong. Ever.

The relationships with Cassandra didn’t show up as the relationship Joe wanted. But it did show Joe many of his disempowering stories.

And it showed him how his relationship behavior matches those stories.

Joe moved too fast. His stories about relationship scarcity caused had him cling to this relationship. As if there weren’t going to be any others.

Out of his desperation to have a relationship, he asked Cassandra if she was seeing anyone else, implying energetically, of course, that he’d prefer he be the only one she was seeing.

After all, he wasn’t seeing anyone else. But the reason he wasn’t seeing anyone else wasn’t because he had other opportunities. It’s because he is grasping desperately for THE relationship. Instead of enjoying life.

When Cassandra said she was seeing others, Joe played it off. But it was obvious in our call that answer was not the right one. It did match his stories though.

• • •

We know at The Transamorous Network that stories create reality. We also know momentum of stories told often enough can’t be avoided. That’s not how life works.

To slow old story momentum, a person must tell new stories. New stories which, over time, will build enough momentum in their own right. Meanwhile, old story momentum deactivates. They have less effect on reality. Including one’s behaviors.

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Joe didn’t focus on new stories after that exchange. That focus takes effort, which is why we offer our framework. Joe is only starting. So he doesn’t realize yet how to check in with his emotions early enough to halt old story momentum.

It’s a rare skill among people. Hardly anyone has the discipline and rigor to do such work on their own. Hardly anyone understands why we have emotions. We offer our framework for that reason.

So rather than focusing on new stories he is working on in our sessions, Joe allowed his old stories to continue creating his reality. Disappointment he felt isn’t about how the relationship turned out (it ended). Although that’s what Joe thinks is the reason he’s disappointed. He feels disappointment (and frustration and sadness and more) because he’s focusing on his reality. The reality his old stories are creating.  Realities not matching what he wants.

Again, Joe is just starting. So he doesn’t get how important it is to understand the purpose of emotions. So instead of using his emotions they way they’re intended, he tries to behave in spite of them.

Meanwhile, his behavior faithfully creates outcomes matching his old stories.

For example, one night frustrated in not hearing from Cassandra, Joe drunk-dialed her. That didn’t go well.

Drunk-dialing is a classic knee-jerk reaction to strong negative emotions triggered by negative stories about relationships playing out in physical reality. Thinking that behavior would bring relief, people drink to numb the emotion.

But alcohol amplifies negative emotion. It adds momentum to stories. That momentum draws to it other stories like it. Your stories are living things. Not just words. Stories like company. They draw to themselves stories like themselves. That’s how story or belief constellations happen.

That’s also why drinking to numb pain usually begins a downward spiral. When it comes to a “failed” relationship, that spiral often includes drunk-dialing.

Remember, in the last post I cautioned Joe about what was happening. I said Cassandra was a perfect match to Joe’s stories. That she is a perfect match is an excellent indicator.

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What do I mean by that?

I mean, Joe got to see exactly how his stories create his reality. A reality which includes transgender women not all that interested in Joe for Joe.

To Joe, she seemed interested. At first. But later she wasn’t.

By our ninth session, Joe was not in a good place at all. He couldn’t see the extraordinary benefit of a relationship like the one he got.

• • •

Then one day, Cassandra contacted him after a long absence. He said she asked him to pay for something for her. Joe didn’t have the money. He hasn’t heard from her since telling her so.

Of course, Joe’s old beliefs showed up again. “That’s all she wanted me for”, He told me during our session.

That story can be extended more broadly about all his relationships with transgender women, women who usually are sex workers.

Joe left session nine pretty negative.

If Joe continues the work, this could be a turning point for him. His stories are screaming out loud. Now that he has some grounding in “Stories” and how they create reality, he is getting first hand experience in his own life experience how stories do that.

He’s not happy about that.

But this is the process. It’s how it works.

I reminded Joe his unhappiness is an emotion telling him something important. It’s telling him his stories about this situation aren’t consistent with what’s really happening.

Again, of course, Joe didn’t want to hear this. He defended his stories as “true”, which they are. But he refused to understand that they are only true because his stories have created a reality consistent with them. They are no more true than any other story he might tell often enough to create momentum and a new reality consistent with that.

And that is the work. Using one’s life experience as a living classroom, our framework shows clients how to tell new stories. New stories told frequent enough so their reality changes to match them.

Then they have a new truth. A life experience that contains everything they want.

Including their ideal partner.

Joe is continuing the work. We’ll see whether his relationship with Cassandra was the last one he’ll let his old stories dictate.

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A Member Meets His Match In No Time, Part 1

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In only six sessions learning the The Transamorous Network match-making approach, a client of ours created the perfect relationship with his ideal transgender partner.

In this post and the next, I’ll dissect what happened. This is how it can happen for anyone. In the next post, I’ll detail what happened next.

Joe (not his real name), contacted The Transamorous Network through our free 1:1 offer. Like many clients, he desperately wants a relationship with a transgender woman. Desperation is not a great place from which to meet someone.

But it is a great place to examine your stories. And how your reality reflects back to you stories you’re telling.

Information Joe got from the free 1:1 convinced him our match-making service worth the money. So he became a member.

• • •

The first few sessions involved exploring stories producing behaviors he didn’t like. He frequents working girls (both trans and cis) late at night or in early morning dark hours. Like many trans-attracted men.

Some of these girls were/are drug-addicted. Others treated him like shit. Others treated him nicely. He has a mix of experiences reflecting his mix of stories about relationships and life, and women too. Both transgender and cisgender.

We explored how his stories create these experiences. Joe realized stories he didn’t know he had. Stories triggering desperation he felt about finding a partner. The same stories creating his experiences with women, including the kinds of women he met.

Desperation isn’t new to Joe. Some times in his life desperation (and the associated emotion “pain”) got so intense he contemplated suicide. Alongside relationship desperation, Joe also feels desperation about his life, his job and about himself. Stories triggering these feelings include one common to A LOT of people. Especially trans-attracted people. That story is “I’m not worthy of having what I want.”

• • •

We know at The Transamorous Network stories run deep. They connect with other stories, creating “belief constellations” or “story complexes” weaving through and shaping life experience.

It wasn’t surprising then when I found through our next sessions that Joe’s mother herself was and may still be drug addicted. She also had a working girl past.

No one comes into life experiences that are “too much to handle”. Everyone chooses the experience they get before they get it. Hardly anyone understands this.

At The Transamorous Network, we help people understand why and how that is. Then we show them how to use that awareness to get joy and satisfaction from life and relationships. The same joy and satisfaction they knew they would get when they chose human life experience.

Our stories create our reality. This includes stories we tell before becoming human. These stories set up birth circumstances. Yes, that includes being trans and trans-attracted. It also includes the parents we choose.

I explained why a person like Joe would come into the world through a parent who has sex work and drug addiction as part of her life experience. I described how those experiences create momentum. And how that momentum creates the reality he has. It wasn’t an easy conversation. But Joe got it.

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We always say when you pull at one story, many others get uncovered. By our fifth session, Joe realized more long-running stories. Stories about his unworthiness as a person. Stories about how the transwomen he wants won’t accept him for who he is and what he has (and doesn’t have). Stories about feeling stuck in his job. Feeling shame about where he is in life.

In other words, stories a lot of humanity secretly shares. Stories you probably share.

What’s great about this work is, once stories get uncovered, sometimes they start resolving on their own. They kind of lose their grip when exposed to the light of conscious awareness. Automatically, again in some cases, new stories get born from that exposure. Those new stories can create explosive positive results.

That’s what happened to Joe.

• • •

Before our sixth session, Joe texted me. He said he needed to cancel our meeting. I asked why. He explained he met a transgender woman, was going on a daytime date with her and was excited about the potential. A daytime date was unusual for Joe. As I said, he typically meets transgender women at night.

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“Yes I’m actually hanging out with a new trans woman friend of mine,” he said via text. “We met Tuesday and hung out a couple of times and have been talking since. I like her a lot. She’s treats me well.”

I wasn’t surprised by this. This is how things work when someone starts seriously looking at their stories. But I was also concerned about Joe.

That’s because Joe got results we promise. But he doesn’t know something important. His old stories are still active in his life experience. So it’s a sure bet this transgender woman he met has her own stories. Stories matching Joe’s stories. Stories she may not be aware of.

So I clued him in:

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Joe responded that he already has been seeing some of those signs. That’s why, he wrote, “I’m working to be the best version of myself. The work that you and I are doing is working!!! 😀”

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Joe said when they first talked, they realized they both needed each other.

“I know the Universe orchestrated our meeting,” he wrote. “I was finishing up at a warehouse where I picked up a load and she was finishing work around the same time and we were really near one another….”

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Joe added that he already can see how his stories about transgender women have changed because, he said, “along with being very kind and cool person, she has a good job, makes good money and has a nice place in a nice neighborhood.”

Indeed.

We know our approach is out of the box. That’s why we guarantee our results. Joe’s example is normal. Anyone can meet their match and enjoy a relationship that works for them. It just takes changing your stories so that you can meet the person you want. The person who is waiting for you. Your perfect match.