So many transgender women blame men for their dating experiences. I hear their complaints often through correspondence here at The Transamorous Network.
Meanwhile, I must sound like a broken record. I’m sure some roll their eyes when I say “you meet these kinds of men because you’re a match to them. Change the stories about men you’re meeting and you’ll meet different men. If you don’t, you’ll keep meeting these men you revile.”
Here’s a perfect example of a typical response I get:
Well, dear transgender women readers, if you won’t listen to me, perhaps you’ll listen to a fellow transgender woman. This person is not a client. And yet what she shares is exactly what I tell my clients repeatedly.
In a story she wrote for Halloween, she acknowledged her past experiences which showed her how she perfectly matched men she met. Not only does she describe it perfectly, she also acknowledges the fact: every transgender woman creates every situation they experience.
Indeed. And that includes men they meet. Here’s the author’s own words:
“…I was…attracting the wrong kind of men. It turns out that you get what you fish for. If you use trampy bait, you will get trampy men. If you’re advertising sex, men will expect it.”
The gold is within
In other words, who we’re being, creates experiences we get. If we’re getting a certain kind of man, we’re creating him. So the solution is do something about who we’re being. Complaining about what we’re getting won’t work!
This transgender woman shares so much gold. The story is worth reading in its entirety. In it she confronts her own stories, who she was being, and in doing so, she owns having created her past experiences. Then she changes who she was being, first by examining what stories she put out in the past, then conjuring new stories about what she wanted.
Is it any wonder this transgender woman is in a relationship? Here’s some more gold:
“What I need to consider is what do I want a man to see when he does notice me? What kind of man am I interested in? That just gets me back to understanding myself. What do I like and what do I want to call into my life? Do I want to call in a seedy one-night stand or a man who is interested in some deeper part of me? In my case, I decided on the latter.”
A human being is a powerful, eternal expression of All That Is. In that expression we enjoy full free will. We can create any experience we desire. No one else does it but us.
The question remains then: when transgender women blame men for their experiences, who really is to blame? Is there really blame to assign? Or is it really the case of an eternal being (the trans woman), having chosen to come into the world as trans, figuring out the best way to joy, but getting stuck in her shoddy creations?
Those are questions every transgender woman should seriously consider.
I love it when a past transgender or trans-attracted client writes me to share results they’re still getting from telling positive stories. It’s a fringe benefit I enjoy: seeing the power of “stories create reality” in past clients.
People who understand and then implement that line get positive results that keep on coming.
That’s why I’m not surprised when clients write sharing their continuing wonder at how great their life keeps getting. When they share, their evidence amplifies my own. I get charge reading their ongoing results as much as I enjoy getting my own results.
When we tell only positive stories about our experience, we start seeing the world differently from most other people. One client for example, shared how, before her practice, her life mainly was composed of worry, dissatisfaction and boredom. She felt some contentment every now and then. But she knew nothing like what she discovered after she changed stories she told about life. She said nearly all her friends still consistently live the way she once did.
That confirms my experience. Most people just don’t know how great life is. But a joyful life can show up for anyone. All it takes: a willingness to deliberately focus. Today, this client is loving life. She’s finding herself consistently in wonder and amazement. For her, boredom, worry and dissatisfaction no longer show up. She’s gotten so much reward, she’s now an advanced practitioner and finding even greater levels of wonder.
The upward spiral is real y’all
On my other blog, I wrote about the positive feedback loop clients get from this practice. Life just gets better and better. By telling positive stories about life, life becomes a virtuous upward spiral. Gradually, subjects we care about improve. And the more they improve, the more they improve.
That’s because of the positive-feedback-loop nature of the practice. Meaning, continuing improvement births even more continuing improvement. And no limits exist to how improved life gets!
A Positively Focused practice (telling positive stories) creates an unending, increasingly joyful life.
So when a past trans client recently wrote me, I wasn’t surprised at how great his (he uses he/him pronouns) life keeps getting. Instead, I congratulated him. Consistently telling positive stories takes some doing. Especially if life isn’t going so well at first. After a while though, it’s just automatic. It’s automatic because that’s the way our Broader Perspective wants us living. And from there, all we desire becomes possible.
But a peculiar thing clients experience surprises them. It’s how they see how different other people experience life. Which is what this client shared:
It’s so great hearing from clients living joyful lives. I love that I’m a part of that change in their lives. It’s a fringe benefit I enjoy from helping others find their connection to the life many think impossible. Especially transgender and trans-attracted people.
The thing is, everything is possible. The only thing limiting life are stories we tell about life. Want to change your stories? Contact me.
Sometimes I’ll learn something great from clients. They come looking for relief from shame and embarrassment about being Trans-attracted. Or transgender women will come to me looking for freedom from a steady stream dating experiences that suck.
All clients, whether trans or trans-attracted seek something they know they’ll feel better if they get it. I’m focused on creating lives – for myself and others – that include everything wanted flowing effortlessly. I know this is possible. So clients who stick with me eventually get that, because that’s the story I’m committed to. They eventually relax into their trans-attraction, or their status as a transgender person. Then they get the wonderful life that is naturally theirs.
The process through which that happens often teaches me things too. That’s one reason I love this practice. It’s a non-ending series of expansionary moments adding up to the Charmed Life I write about.
Case in point: A recent experience with a trans-attracted client who quit his practice. Not only did his quitting teach me something, it proves the power inherent in telling stories.
Paying the price of struggle
Many people think “stories create your reality” or “manifesting” depends on focusing on what we want. Focus on what you want, goes the general lesson, and what you want will manifest. And while that is true, usually what’s happening is we focus on something other than what we want. Then we get that. And then we say “this manifesting business doesn’t work”. It’s why so many don’t believe “stories create your reality” works. It’s working. But the reality people get runs counter to what they want. And that’s because they’re not focusing on what they want.
What happened with this client demonstrates this with supreme perfection. I wrote about his departure in a Positively Focused blog post last week. In that post I shared how he chose a life of struggle and hard work as though those things were badges of honor.
However, a life of hard work and sacrifice isn’t worthy of a badge of honor. Well, it is to other humans. Other people will look at your struggle and hard work and tell you you’re doing an honorable thing. This includes the transgender community. Look around you. If you’re a transgender woman, I wager that your friends support your dating struggle. That’s because they struggle too. So your struggle and their struggle appear “normal”, the price you must pay to get what you want.
BUT YOU NEEDN’T PAY THAT PRICE. In paying that price, you help others feel better about their struggle. Meanwhile you don’t get what you want. Or, if you do, you feel crappy about the process of getting there and likely settle for something less than what you want or give up completely. Your example will, again, help others doing the same feel better about what they’re doing. Which produces the same results you produce.
Living a life of ease
But you’re not here to help others feel better about what they’re doing. You and I and everyone else came here for the fun of life. Not struggle. Transgender and trans-attracted people especially, came to live lives of unique, beautiful, expressive examples of human evolution!
We transgender and trans-attracted people exist to live our lives as the gods we are. We’re here to create unique lives consistent with that which thrills us. And, frankly, I don’t know anyone thrilled about living lives of struggle, sacrifice and pain born of working hard. Nor am I aware of anyone thrilled with a life wherein they don’t get what they want.
Lives lived as the gods we are lead to fun, joy and freedom. The path of struggle, hard work and sacrifice CAN lead there. But often, it doesn’t. (My artwork)
But nearly everyone lives lives almost exclusively filled with that. And the reason people feel anxiety about their lives, or depression, is, at the core of what they are, they know a better path is available.
So few take that path because they get caught up in stories lived by others which lead them astray. Meanwhile, a life of ease, joy and fun awaits those who choose the other way.
We’re all free to choose
It bears repeating. The honorable life is one lived consistent with what and who we are as gods in human form. That’s why the masses and society in general idolize those who “walk to the beat of their own drum”, who are authentic pioneers creating something brand new or earth shattering. Rarely do such people follow society’s general life prescription.
Living that way, as powerful creators we all are, means casting off bogus stories so we live lives wherein everything we want happens effortlessly. Our life can include all manner of great things, including awesome love with that perfect match, where all our needs are met. Humans are the only beings on this planet mostly not living this way. Meanwhile, everything else in nature enjoys the joy I’m describing. I described this in my previous post on Positively Focused.
So many humans choose struggle instead. Then venerate struggle as somehow honorable. I show people how to live lives of joy. Not struggle. So my clients’ lives become the Charmed Life I write about. Not every client ultimately chooses that though. And I must be ok with their choice.
Which brings me back to the client who recently left the pratice. This client chose to follow society’s stories of struggle and sacrifice. Their choosing taught me something awesome.
The power of powerful stories
I saw tremendous potential in this client. He quickly grasped the fundamentals. As a result, our conversations often included profound insights and realizations about how great life is. We also reveled over experiences he created up to that point. Experiences proving undoubtedly that the practice works. Some such manifestations he created he originally thought impossible.
For example, he once believed no transgender women lived in his community. As he changed his stories, though, he came to see them often. It’s not that the women weren’t there. They were. But his stories blinded him to their presence. Once he changed his stories, they started showing up everywhere.
Another, more powerful transformation involved something he did in the past. That act brought him so much shame and self-loathing, he considered ending his life on several occasions. A simple process of changing his stories about that act totally transformed his perspective about the act. Over time, he gave up suicidal thoughts. Then he saw how that act offered excellent future opportunity to transform other people’s lives.
So this client produced quite a number of experiences proving to him “stories create your reality” works. I saw even more powerful realizations ahead of him, were he to continue the practice.
My Powerful stories…
Yet, I also saw in him a potential for “darkness”. By darkness I mean a tendency, a strong potential, that others’ bogus stories about life would sweep him up and carry him away from his emerging Charmed Life.
I likened him to Anakin Skywalker, father of the famous Star Wars Jedi, Luke Skywalker. Anakin became the Star Wars villain Darth Vader after giving into the Dark Side of the Force. Anakin’s mentor, Obi Wan Kenobi saw great potential in Anakin. But what Obi Wan and his fellow Jedi Masters also saw was potential for the Dark Side. In the same way, I saw great potential in my client. And a chance he wouldn’t fulfill that potential.
A wax sculpture at the Madame Tussauds Star Wars exhibit in London depicting Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker from the prequel trilogy. The client who recently ended his membership reminded me of the power of this Star Wars character possessed. And a similar potential for succumbing to the Dark Side. (Photo By big-ashb)
Self-fulfilling prophesy
I often shared this perspective with that client. I hoped doing so would encourage his leaning into the light of his Charmed Life. In doing so I forgot how effective I am as a creator. I forgot I create my reality — including how others show up — through what I focus on. Not what I want.
The more sessions we enjoyed, the more encouraged I got about his potential. But the more potential I saw, the stronger my thoughts about him “turning” got. Since I identify strongly with Jedi stories, I recognize a lot of momentum exists in me about those stories. What I didn’t realize was how powerfully they’d create the client I ended up with.
Later in our session evolution, I sensed a “disturbance” in his way of being. He started coming to sessions less prepared. He started offering pespectives reflecting doubt and suspicion. And he started questioning my path. He became a version of Anakin Skywalker. Right before my eyes! He even turned to the hard-work encouraging book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People!
One day he strongly disputed the validity of the personal reality unfolding in my life. Of course, he knew his stories about my unfolding reality was irrelevant. And he knew such doubts would create realities for him that would eventually have him leave the practice. But that didn’t stop his momentum. A momentum amplified by my own focus.
Neither he nor I was surprised when he said he wanted to end his practice. He punctuated his departure with belligerent statements, feeling offended and again disparaging my path. Remarkably, these are similar behaviors Anakin showed toward his mentor Obi Wan. At one point Anakin even tried killing his mentor before becoming Darth Vader.
You get what you focus on
After that interaction, I realized I got what I focused on. I got a promising client who chose turning away.
Of course I did not want this outcome. But looking back on stories I focused on the most about this client, I must admit they mainly were about him turning away from the practice. So his choice is no surprise in retrospect. After all, I am a powerful creator. I create EVERYTHING in my reality. That includes versions of those with whom I interact. And that includes clients with whom I work.
I’m no exception to universal laws. Just like anyone else, I create what I focus on, not what I want. Focus is key. So if I want what I want, I must focus on that. In this case, I focused on something other than what I wanted.
And I got that.
I feel like Obi Wan Kenobi. Losing his promising apprentice, Anakin, rocked Obi Wan to the core. Unlike Obi Wan, however, I know everything always works out. So I’m not going into self-imposed exile like he did. I’m not going to quit my practice or quit helping others. The client who left will be fine. And I learned something awesome. It’s an experience I’ll remember, always.
I love how this outcome came out of what many would consider a not-so-good experience. Seeing the positive side of it and amplifying that story must mean the future will bring even more and better opportunities. Ones in which I enjoy clients who stick around. Clients who fulfill their potential as proud and powerful trans-attracted and transgender people.
This experience made me a better creator; a better spiritual teacher as well. And for that, instead of feeling sad or sucky, I’m deeply appreciative.
An Instagram follower offered an interesting perspective. It shows how powerful stories are. She suggested our content was superficial and didn’t take into account “nuance” that comes with being trans, particularly being both trans and a Person of Color (POC).
Indeed, she went so far as to suggest the person writing our content is cis, and being so, knows nothing about the plight of transgender people:
She is wrong on both counts.
Stories matter a lot
It’s interesting when people double down on their disempowerment as a way of trying to show us that what we offer can’t possibly work. “Complications” exist in every perspective. Such complications play no factor in how things happen in life…unless the life-liver invites them to play a factor.
A person invites such complications to have an effect on life by believing they have an effect. Just like this Instagram follower.
If a POC believes their status as a POC influences their life experience, it’s very hard to have an experience where that status doesn’t have an influence. I’m not saying such status doesn’t have an influence. What I am saying is, that influence is inconsequential when one takes control of stories they’re telling about such status, or any other limiting factor.
Results speak louder
The fact is, our clients find powerful lives through following our advice. So powerful is our advice that even POC find empowering lives. Here are results from actual clients, some of whom face the same apparent “nuances” this person suggests invalidates what we offer:
One transgender female client, who also is a person of color, credits this practice for keeping her from committing suicide.
Another transgender woman of color created a three-year marriage. She’s still in that marriage today, to a cis-gender male POC.
Yet another transgender woman is finding her way out of “online dating hell”. She’s discovering more happiness and hope that she can find a lover.
Still another created her dream career in photography through what we offer.
Meanwhile a trans-attracted guy who tried to kill himself three different times found liberation from suicide ideation. He now pursues his college education, and a career in show business!
Finally, another trans-attracted guy found greater peace and happiness within himself. Every week he discovers powerful insights leading to greater confidence and self-acceptance.
Nuance is a story. As is thinking skin color makes a difference in having what one wants. Neither nuance or skin color need determine one’s experience. Unless one believes they do. Everyone can enjoy a life in which everything they want happens. It’s just a matter of telling stories consistent with that rather than stories complaining or criticizing life.
We show clients how to do that. As a result, they become exceptions to the rules. They get what they want and they find happiness. Ready to find yours?
The best way to create a better dating life starts with learning how to do nothing. When people discover the power of doing nothing, life really starts taking off. And dates people have get better and better.
This is especially true for those looking for that perfect mate. Transgender and trans-attracted people struggle finding love because they’re caught up in the “doing disease”. It literally feels like that. Dis-ease.
We think all we need “to do” is do more of what others are doing and we’ll find our mate. So that’s what we do. We go to bars. Maybe we ask friends to hook us up. But the one thing so many do while infected with “doing disease” is pursuing a partner via online dating.
I know that path personally. Over the early part of my life I probably spent something like seven thousand dollars subscribed to various online dating sites. That includes transgender-specific ones. I spent another five thousand or so on other match-making alternatives. That was before I discovered a far more powerful way to fall in love: telling powerful stories.
Doing is drudgery
Before that discovery, I was caught up in doing too. And doing had me doing what everyone else did. It worked. Sometimes. Looking back, though, the success rate of all that doing wasn’t very high. It wasn’t any fun either in retrospect.
No one really likes getting on dating sites in order to find love. It’s a lot of work and money. But it’s crazy how many people go there. So few actually find what they want that way, yet, so many go that way and struggle through sucky experiences.
I’ve asked my clients which they’d prefer: meeting their match in their daily life, on the way to the grocery or while in a park for example, or meeting them on line. Every one agrees they’d prefer meeting them in real life.
Why do so many go through that drudgery then? Maybe it’s because they’re trapped in the doing the disease like I was. I’m glad I found the way out. The way out being doing nothing. It seems crazy, but it’s true. Here’s why.
So many people tire themselves out by trying to get what they want through action. But doing nothing begins a path where things happen far more easily. No struggle required. (Photo by Adrian Swancar)
You match what you’re getting
First, the reason why so many seek their partner through doing, yet fail to find them, is because they’re trying to get something they don’t believe they can have. I talk about this with every client. A person can’t find something they think they can’t find. That’s the case for keys, lost gloves and partners one think doesn’t exist.
How can someone find a partner if they think that partner doesn’t exist? That’s the belief in which many transgender and trans-attracted people stand. So many transgender people think they can’t find a guy who will love them for what they are. So many trans-attracted guys think transgender women of the kind they want, don’t exist. And yet, both parties do, do, do, while not knowing their doing doubles down on their negative thoughts about what they want.
Worse still, how can a person find someone to love if they believe they themselves aren’t lovable? Many transgender women struggle with believing they are worthy of what they want. A lot think they love themselves. But track what comes out of their mouths and in short order overwhelming evidence piles up. That evidence shows what that trans woman really feels about herself.
Same goes with trans-attracted men. Although it’s much easier seeing the evidence. We trans-attracted men struggle with shame and embarrassment about our attraction, but also about our desires. We’re insecure about what our desires tell us about ourselves. And so we struggle too.
Insecurities proceed us all
The fact is, if a person doesn’t think their partner exists, or they don’t think they deserve finding them, they’re not going to.
So when such a person goes online to find their partner, armed with such beliefs and insecurities, they draw to them experiences confirming their beliefs and insecurities. They meet skeezer trans women, cavort with call girls and escorts and get had by gold diggers. Or they meet men who only want to sext, see dick picks or ghost the minute online conversations turn to meeting in person.
When people get these responses, they ignore what these experiences tell them. Instead, they try harder, do more, push, struggle more. They think if they do all that, they’ll finally get what they want.
It doesn’t work that way. Especially in love.
Finding love is easy when you give up the struggle. Even if you’re trans or trans-attracted. (Photo by Juliette F on Unsplash)
Doing it different?
Doing nothing begins an important process. That process reverses inertia created when a person keeps doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results. When someone calms themselves, relaxes and focuses inward, powerful processes get underway even though it seems like nothing happens.
And the more that person relaxes into doing nothing, the more effective they get. That’s because every person, trans or trans-attracted, receives guidance through their intuition. Doing nothing tunes one into their intuition.
What really happens is, by doing nothing, the person calms down noise in their head. That way they start hearing clear signals their intuition sends all day, every day.
In time, the person realizes some profound insights. Like this client:
Uncovering such insights takes a while. And this is the challenge. So many people in our lives tell us doing nothing is lazy and time wasting. But it’s not that. It’s a profound state of being which tunes one back into their deeper knowing.
But if you listen to society, parents, educators and all those loud mouths in the peanut gallery, you’ll hear “stop being lazy”, “work harder”, “success is in the struggle”.
It works but it’s tough
Such approaches work. But do you really want to struggle through life? I don’t. I’d rather enjoy life while seeing my life bringing me everything I want with little effort.
People who struggle claim it’s worth the struggle. They look at and display scars they “earned” on the way to their success. I say give that approach up, especially when it comes to finding love.
Instead, figure out how to become a match to the relationship, that lasting, loving, true love you want. It’s far more fun, easier, and when it shows up, will be a better match. That’s because on the way to receiving it, you’re becoming a match to it. You’re becoming happy. You’re letting go of your pessimism and joylessness. You let go of blame and judgement.
And when all that happens, you can’t help but meet someone who is just like you. After all, in all that doing to find a partner, the judgement, pessimism, and joylessness you experience is what you get in return in the form of partners matching all of that.
A better way exists. It starts with doing nothing, which really is doing a lot. Learning to do nothing transforms lives. My clients know this. It’s time for you to know it too.
