Another Trans-Attracted Husband Cheats On His Wife

TL;DR: To my surprise, The Transamorous Network remains relevant as trans-attracted men and their partners continue reaching out in search of understanding. Addressing shame, scarcity, and authenticity, this post offers guidance to a cis-woman who is married to a DL trans-attracted man on navigating her husband’s cheating.

Alright. I thought I was finished writing posts for this blog. While cleaning up the back-end, however, I noticed several messages people sent me that I hadn’t received. That was my bad that I missed these messages. I hadn’t correctly set up my contact form. So the messages weren’t forwarded to my inbox.

The majority of these messages were from trans-attracted men questioning themselves AND, no surprise, wives of trans-attracted men. The latter group wrote to me expressing various reactions to discovering their men’s interests. And all of them asked my feedback.

So, it seems, there’s still an interest in The Transamorous Network.

I also got an interesting response through the feedback form I wasn’t expecting. That I’ll share at the end of this post.

Suffice it to say, I’ll keep this site up because, judging from these past comments, people are still looking for information on what it means to be trans-attracted, what it means to be transamorous and what to do when they find out their spouses are one of those two.

The Transamorous Network remains a great resource for those people IOW.

I probably won’t write every week, but I will continue posting from time to time. For now, I want to share one request I got through the contact form because it speaks to many of the others I got. Then I’ll share that other comment I mentioned.

Here we go!

Another cheating trans-attracted husband

The person writing is married. She caught her husband cheating with a trans woman. No surprise there. Many trans-attracted men don’t realize their trans-attraction until after marrying a cis-woman. I’ll spare a further preamble and get to what she wrote:

Hi, I am not good at writing so please forgive me. I just recently found out my husband has been sleeping with [trans] women, I believe he has an attraction towards trans women. He did tell me about one of his encounters and I am just very curious. I am not judging him, if that’s what he likes then that’s ok. The thing for me is the cheating in general, I understand feeling scared, nervous and ashamed. The thing for me is the lying and not giving me the opportunity to make my owns decisions. Even though he has an attraction , I really don’t think I want to be with someone who cheats in general. I also told him I am ok with whatever decision he chooses but he can’t seem to let me go in this process . We have two beautiful boys together and I just want everyone to be happy! Thank you for letting me share, any insight would be helpful. Thanks again, “Melody” [I changed her name to protect her privacy].

This is quite a common story. Many trans-attracted men also have a scarcity problem on the subject of the availability of trans women. Trans women have the same thing going on about men, which is often why they compromise and end up with women. Both parties believe they won’t be able to find a partner aligned with their desires.

He’s clinging hard

The problem with that is, if we believe that the kind of person we want is rare, that’s what we’re going to experience. And so, in this case, the guy is clinging hard to his current relationship. He just can’t see the very real possibility that he can find a trans woman who will, actually, fit him better than his wife.

To keep this short, here’s how I responded. Perhaps another woman in the same boat as “Melody” can benefit from it.

If your husband is sleeping with trans women, he for sure he is attracted to them. It’s a good sign you’re not judging him for that. And, it’s a really good sign that you’re recognizing that lying is not something you should stand for about ANYTHING in a marriage.

I really appreciate that you understand he is likely struggling and so he’s scared and shamed about what he’s feeling. I would wonder, however, if I were in your shoes, what is it about your marriage, or you, or him or all of those, that has him unwilling to be authentic about who/what he is. That’s something to really explore, not because it’s your fault, but because growth opportunities exist for both of you in that exploration. So it would be good for him to look at that too.

Now, as for the cheating specifically. You sound like a smart person. So I’m sure you can understand that the cheating itself isn’t the problem. It’s the motivation for cheating that is the problem. This goes back to what I wrote in the paragraph above.

Like, what is it about him that has him not being authentic about who he is?

Certainly whatever that is also plays a role in him not being able to let you go, especially if his attraction is strong, and for most trans-attracted men, that attraction is VERY strong and something that will likely not go away. He must, therefore, follow through on his attraction and fulfill what’s in store there.

I’m glad to hear you’ll be ok if he chooses that path. I would suggest your best role here is to support him in choosing that path. Your children would be way better off with him choosing this, you will be too and, of course so will he. I can explain in more detail about why your children will be better off if you’re interested.

Suffering is needless

If you’re experiencing difficulties in your marriage because you suspect your spouse is cheating with trans women, or watching trans porn, and you’d like some empowerment around the experience, feel free to contact me. I’ve figured out the contact form, so I’ll respond much faster than I have in the past.

If you’re a guy with a question about your interest in trans women, you can reach out too. Many men like you, like the guy in this marriage, are suffering needlessly. Shame tells you you’re putting others’ opinions above your own. That’s a recipe for problems. Let’s fix that.

Contact me.

Finally, here’s another message I got I want to share. It comes from a trans woman who has followed The Transamorous Network for some time. She lives in Thailand, I believe. When I stopped writing for this blog, I said that if it helped just one trans woman accept who and what she is, then the blog has done it’s job.

Actually, in response to my (previously) final post, several trans woman wrote to tell me how much the blog helped them. The following comes from the most recent trans woman expressing appreciation. It’s long, but worth it, as it shows how much this blog has helped people. I’m sharing excerpts of the full message:

An ode of appreciation

….What I really want to get to is Thank You! I have been following you for 15 months now and I believe I have read most of your articles…15 months ago I was doing a deep dive into [my own self transformation]… I was a cis-het-white guy for 52 years, trained, culled, forced and assimilated into the systems of control and oppression. There… came the crux, the clarity, the guidance of a Higher Power of an opportunity of a radical shift. Today I see it as the most incredible opportunity…lol.

At the time it was a curse of the most epic kind. My 2nd wife [and I] co-discovered the systems we were deeply embedded in. We also discovered that after 18 years in marriage we had gotten to a place where we could no longer support each others needs and it was time to decouple. And there was a discovery that she was a lesbian and much to my surprise … I am trans-femme…

I also discovered that the tremendous childhood trauma I had survived was affecting me greatly every day. The 3 aspects of – ending an 18 year marriage, I was trans and I carried tremendous trauma into all things was brutal (and with todays perspective…absolutely necessary). Any movement forward in transness brought up trauma. I really dove into my programs of AA and ACA, got new sponsors that were aligned with my new identity discovery and a really really good therapist. I kept all 3 very busy as I dove into the work with both feet as I was not going to survive this event if I didn’t. In essence, It was the gift of desperation. Do the work or die…

In my recent EMDR work I discovered I have been this way for lifetimes. It has taken over 15 months of OMG intensive work, I have hit a milestone in my work. I am ready to date.

Your articles over the last 15 months also combined with many of trans authors have been incredible guidance through one of the most difficult times in my life… I almost didn’t make it. The gratitude therein is immense. Somewhere in your Trump article, maybe in the comments, you mentioned that if you reached one person with your message then all the rhetoric and all the time, intention and effort … was worth it. That was me…

You have been a part of the most epic journey, and I believe We are just getting started…

Self loathing of trans women

There are many – I would say the majority — trans women struggling like this person once did. This explains why they’re so hostile to trans-attracted men, and me in particular. We reflect back to them the state of their inner-self-acceptance. And they can’t bear the pain of facing that.

I started this blog to help relieve that. Obviously, some have benefitted. Trans-attracted men have too. Now, I’m curious to see who else will…I’m glad to see this trans woman found liberation from her struggle. I hope to hear from her again.

What I Really Think About Transgender Women

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I asked a question in reply to one of your articles a few weeks ago. You never answered. I’ll try again.

When you say you’re attracted to trans women, what exactly do you mean? Are you attracted to all trans women, equally those who have underwent full GRS, those who have only used hormones, and those who have underwent no medical transition at all (and all other various stages and forms of medical and non-medical social transition)?

Also, are you attracted to them as women, or specifically as trans women?

I think a lot of trans people, myself at least anyway, would want a partner who desires them as their gender – not specifically because of their trans status. And obviously, for them as a person, not just a object of sexual desire due to their trans identity. One explanation I saw you give essentially amounted to saying that trans is a third gender, which to many trans people, again certainly myself, would seem transphobic. A trans woman is a woman, not a third gender. A trans man is a man, not a third gender. Your answer I saw about transamoury seemed to be at odds with respecting a trans person’s gender identity.

Thanks for the reply,

Curious

Hey Curious,

So sorry about missing your questions/comment the last time. I sometimes do that. It’s not intentional and I’m getting better at getting to these comments.

When I say I’m attracted to transgender women, I’m referring to many qualities. So this is going to be a long reply, I think. But I respect your questions, so I’m going to be thorough out of that respect. Please note that the order in which I offer these, has no bearing on what I consider priorities. I’ll try to make that more clear as I answer. Also, my answers may confront you or run counter to what you think, how you think about transgender women or how you think men should think about them. I’m just answering as clearly as I can, questions you’re asking that, frankly, are kind of hard to answer because a lot of the attraction is intrinsic. It’s also highly personal and nobody’s business…frankly.

Just in case readers don’t know what it means.

Like, we don’t ask a heterosexual man “why are you attracted to cis-women?” It’s a nonsensical, question socially. It’s just accepted. But my attraction is somehow, some kind of aberration worthy of interrogation? Why?

You ask: When you say you’re attracted to trans women, what exactly do you mean?

What I mean, exactly, is highly layered and nuanced. There’s an innate attraction first and foremost and this can’t be overstated or really explained. It’s not dissimilar to someone who is heterosexual and therefore attracted intrinsically, innately to members of the opposite sex, or a gay man who is innately, intrinsically attracted to men because they are men, primarily.

In other words, the fact that they are transgender is a point of attraction to me that separates them completely from cis-women. And those transgender women who are trying to be “women” I’m not attracted to because those people IMO are trying to be something that they are not…something that, frankly, they are better than at a cosmological level.

But there are other aspects of transgender women I find attractive also. Qualities easier to put my finger on. And some not so easy to pin down. Of the trans women I’ve dated (and I’ve dated many) I find their characters/personalities highly attractive. This is probably the biggest thing besides the intrinsic attraction I mentioned above.

Even those who struggle with lack of self-acceptance possess characters/personalities underneath those mental issues, which I can perceive, characters/personalities which I find alluring.

For example, there’s a transgender woman who lives one block away from me. She’s a composer and musician. She doesn’t have to say a fucking thing and I can perceive this quality I’m talking about. In the summer she sits on her porch smoking a cigarette on her breaks. She’s not the most physically attractive woman, she has several, self-admitted mental health issues, she smokes and drinks (to excess in my opinion) and yet, there is still that “je ne sais quoi” characteristic about her that is soooooo freaking alluring that is beyond my intrinsic attraction to her. It really goes beyond words to describe. And IMO, that aspect of her – of transgender women in general – does NOT exist in cis-women.

There’s a perseverance (obviously), a stick-to-it-tiveness some transgender women possess that I find highly attractive. After all, such a personal journey, undertaken often at tremendous cost, time, health risk and potential risk of social ostracization would engender these qualities in anyone IMO. But the transgender woman’s journey is unique in this way, again in my opinion. It creates a very secure, spiritually strong, somewhat intense energy I enjoy being around. Like an authenticity, which I too possess.

I like the fact that transgender women’s experiences cause them to cultivate an “I don’t take any shit from people” attitude also. I know this doesn’t exist in every trans woman, but, again, those I end up dating have such facets in their personality and I enjoy and respect that because, again, I’m that way.

The kind of transgender woman I am attracted to tends to be highly intelligent, self-reflective and thoughtful. This is not the same as formal academically instilled “intelligence”. It’s different. It’s like a self-awareness, a self-possessiveness that draws me in. You could say it’s an “energy signature”.

Those I’ve dated also tend to possess talents similar to mine (artistic or otherwise creative) as well. So there’s that.

Beyond all this, I’m attracted to how transgender women look, particularly those on HRT. I’m not referring to just young women either. And definitely not only “passable” ones. In fact, I prefer those who don’t necessarily pass over those who do. That’s because, for me, I find the blend resulting from a physiologically male body, “tempered” by HRT far, far FAR more attractive than (pardon me) fleshy, soft cis women. Which is why I am not interested in transgender women who use some processes to try to look like that fleshy, soft curvy form cis women have. Again, transgender women are transgender women. As such they are inherently distinct and preferable as far as I’m concerned. If I wanted to be with a cis-woman, I’d choose that. So passibility isn’t something I’m necessarily interested in. Not that I don’t appreciate that kind of beauty in certain transgender women. I do. But it’s not a priority for me. And certainly not part of my selection criteria.

I actually find more mature transgender women, physically, more attractive. Personality-wise too. Age tempers their personalities I think and I find that alluring.

Ok that’s the first question. The second is actually several I think:

Are you attracted to all trans women, equally those who have underwent full GRS, those who have only used hormones, and those who have underwent no medical transition at all (and all other various stages and forms of medical and non-medical social transition)?

In short. Yes.

To elaborate: I think my previous answer supports my short answer above. Attraction is attraction to me. But I do have preferences like everyone does. But that doesn’t change my attraction. It does, however, affect my selection. That’s different from attraction. I think you understand that distinction.

Your next question I answered already, but I want to highlight this, because it’s very, very important. I think you get this (perhaps from a different perspective though) because you singled out this topic as a separate question. You ask:

Also, are you attracted to them as women, or specifically as trans women?

Specifically as trans women for several reasons. For one, because that’s what they are. Secondly, “trans” is an expansion of what it means to be human. It is an evolution closer to the true aspect of human spirit in each being, which is BOTH male AND female, expressed across many lifetimes. So I see trans women as a separate, evolved and therefore advanced aspect of human expression. It is not a “third” gender. It’s transgender: they help transition humanity out of the gender paradigm. In my spiritual experience, this is a critical MUST if humanity is to evolve further.

So I venerate them because of this. There’s a lot more I can say about this relative to how trans women think about themselves, particularly those trying to be “women”, but that’s beyond the scope of your question, I think. I’m attracted to them because they are trans women.

I get that doesn’t fit with what you think. To me, that’s ok. We don’t have to think alike. Can you be ok with someone who thinks differently than you? I can.

I now want to respond to the last paragraph of your comment. I hope you’ve read this far and see that I’m quite consistent in my answers. I’m very clear about what I know. I may express it differently over time as my ability to express it improves. Ok, here’s what you wrote:

I think a lot of trans people, myself at least anyway, would want a partner who desires them as their gender – not specifically because of their trans status. And obviously, for them as a person, not just a object of sexual desire due to their trans identity. One explanation I saw you give essentially amounted to saying that trans is a third gender, which to many trans people, again certainly myself, would seem transphobic. A trans woman is a woman, not a third gender. A trans man is a man, not a third gender. Your answer I saw about transamoury seemed to be at odds with respecting a trans person’s gender identity.

I agree. Many trans people do think the way you described here. But NONE of the trans women I dated do. I respect your opinion and the opinion of those other trans people who feel this way. The trouble I have with this, given my spiritual experience, is, humanity is constantly expanding. What it is, how it looks and how it expresses itself signifies EVOLUTION. Thinking there’s only “man” and “woman” is a very narrow, limited way of seeing the vast quality of what it is animating human consciousness. To reiterate, I get some trans people struggle with someone accepting them as trans. The problem, in my opinion, is that’s because they, themselves are not accepting their trans status. Instead of seeing it as an expression of evolution, they are trying to “fit in” to a socio-defined construct, which is outdated and has been for millennia.

Back to the basic question: It’s like, do cis-women get bunged up because the guys that are attracted to them are PRIMARILY SIN QUA NON women?

Of course not. They (the women) don’t even give it a thought. Because they accept that they are women. They’re not trying to be something else.

Does a gay man get bunged up with another gay man expressing their attraction because they are PRIMARILY, SIN QUA NON male?

No. They give it no consideration. They accept what they are expressing as male.

I wonder if trans women (and trans people in general) struggle with their status because they are allowing social indoctrination wrt GENDER to create lack of self acceptance among and within them. Given that I work with transgender women, from a spiritual, core, essential nature level, I have suspicion that this is the case. I don’t have enough cases to say this definitively, though. So, don’t take my words for it. And don’t be offended over everything I have shared.

You be you! Including your ideas, thoughts and beliefs. There’s plenty of room on the planet for trans women like yourself (given how you’ve described your views) to exist, find love and joy and freedom and all that, and for guys like me to do the same.

Thanks for writing and, again, apologies for missing your previous comment!

Perry

PS – notice that I did not once mention anything about sexual desire or performance. Also, I’m surprised some transgender people are so quick to throw around the “transphobic” claim, often in contexts it has no place being uttered. For example, you can see, I hope it’s obvious, that I very much do not exhibit a “dislike of or strong prejudice against transgender people”, which is the dictionary definition of “transphobic”. For me, it’s quite the opposite.

I wonder if those who sling that term around are like POC who throw around “racist” with no real justification. Reminder: I’m a non-binary person of color. My conjecture about those who sling such terms is, they are insecurity looking for a place to place the blame for their insecurity. So they attack people with the T word or the R word, often at times when it’s completely unjustified, indeed, when the facts show exactly the opposite happening, in order to soothe an underlying lack of self-acceptance. What I’ve expressed here is NOT transphobia. It’s trans-attraction/transamory which is completely the opposite.

Why Are Trans-Attracted Men So Weak!

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I’m trans. I’ve often thought that all it will take is a few fearless men to shift culture.

There’s this one guy who I’ve been talking with for years. He pursues me. He is charming, respectful and good looking. We met up once, and it was the best sex of my life. And yet, his parents would never accept him dating me, so he keeps me at a distance. That’s what we deal with all the time. Men who are otherwise good men, but are too weak to fully own their full selves.

I don’t want to hold their hands like a mom and lead them into this. They need to develop fearlessness on their own. So, I’m left just feeling sad that these many many men are too afraid to man up.

I think that if a few powerful men set an example, other men will see that power, and have permission to follow. If someone like Dave Chappelle talked about how he’s attracted to trans women, and he doesn’t give a fuck about judgement, that would shift culture. Instead, he makes entire comedy specials wrestling with his obsession with us, and projecting his shame onto us.

Not only would it give men permission to be open and honest if a few men were open, but it would also be the very thing that made men far far more attractive to us. There’s nothing that’s sexier than a man who stands in his full power and owns who he really is. That’s the sort of thing that makes me want to fall to my knees.🥰

Tired of the weak men

Hey Tired,

Thanks for your eloquence. What I’m sharing here may sound harsh, but I swear, I don’t mean it that way. I want you to have what you want. And it’s so close! But like many of my clients, I think you might be shooting yourself in the foot regarding what you want. 

I’m not trying to offend you. Please remember this as you read on.

There has been at least one prominent man (Actor Malik Yoba) who proudly “outed” himself as trans-attracted. There are many men, not as prominent, coming out too. I featured many in my YouTube videos. And some of them have their own YouTube channels. I was just talking with one last week. Let me know if you’d like the link to his channel.

As in many cases, where we seek solutions to problems, we think a single act can solve it. Many people think, for example, that if just one prominent guy comes out and owns his attraction, others will too. I don’t think there’s a silver bullet here wrt transgender women and men who love them both finding “out loud” love. No matter how many prominent men come out, it’s always going to eventually be up to the individual to do the work. Other men can ease the strain of that, like the abundance of transgender people living out loud and successful today have helped other trans people live authentically. But ultimately, if we’re waiting for some shining knight to break us free, we’re going to have to wait a long time.

I have a question for you about your experience you shared about this wonderful seeming guy, who has so many characteristics you desire. I hope you will really consider what I’m offering in this question. I think it could cause for you a tremendous breakthrough. Then I’m going to follow the question with the rationale behind why I ask it. I share this rationale often with my transgender clients. Ok, here’s the question:

Why not take this man you describe as being so desirable in so many ways by the hand, not like “a mom” but like a supportiveempowering lover, and walk with him through to his self acceptance?

Here now is the rationale: Here you have this guy. This guy has so many of the qualities you’re looking for. He clearly (at least from what you’ve written,) satisfies you in so many ways. And yet, instead of YOU being courageous and daring and helping him walk this path as a supportive potential partner, you’re willing to cast all that goodness aside? Why???? Why are you being so stubborn about this? Because you’re judging him as weak?

He’s not being weak. He doesn’t want to offend or cause heartache for his parents. That’s not weakness. That’s what nearly every man has been indoctrinated to be relative to their parents. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying that’s they way it is. And powerful spiritual dynamics drive this what-is-ness that you overlook in calling it “weakness”. 🙄

I think transgender women (and people in general) think they’re going to find this perfect person who will be fearless and have no issues. Meanwhile, in that very moment, they are themselves dealing with issues of their own. EVERYONE WILL HAVE SOMETHING THEY NEED TO GROW INTO. And some of those things are fucking hard to grow into because they challenge very powerful social, familial and cultural indoctrinations hardly anyone avoids. There are LOTS of transgender people who go through exactly this. Yet, here you are (as an example) expecting the total package to show up ready to sweep you off your feet when you, yourself, most likely, had to come into yourself over time and still are, again, most likely.

That’s the same thing this guy is doing.

Here’s this guy possessing many of the qualities you want in a guy….and you’re doing exactly what he’s doing. He keeps you at a distance, so you do the same thing. Are you really being strong here? Or are YOU being weak.

Kettle, meet pot.

The guy is reflecting back to you who you’re being. If you want someone like this guy but without familial issues, you must stop being who YOU’RE being. You’re pointing your finger at this guy, while your other three fingers are pointing right back at you, Megan. Are you picking up the words I’m putting down here?

Now, you can meet a guy who will be fearless about his appreciation for you and even not care about what anyone thinks. But, I say this from experience, so long as you tell the stories you’re telling about trans-attracted men in general, and this guy specifically, you’re not going to meet such a man because you’re not a match to him.

But you can be.

You write: There’s nothing that’s sexier than a man who stands in his full power and owns who he really is. That’s the sort of thing that makes me want to fall to my knees.🥰

In case you don’t realize it, you’re corresponding with such a person. I don’t write this to imply you should date me. I write it to preempt any sort of defensiveness or double-downing you might come back with. Think about what you’ve just read. This guy pursuing you can be the guy with whom a tremendous relationship blossoms. But YOU must be the fearless one. Not he.

TTN

Dear TTN,

I understand what you’re saying. I think it’s complex with this man I know because his form of holding me at a distance is to meet trans girls for sex. I’ve expressed my desire for more, and he wished me luck with that. He’s clearly saying to me that he’s not open to more. I don’t want to be his booty call. I don’t want to be one of his many side girls. That doesn’t turn me on, and yet that’s all he can offer, given his situation and how he’s choosing to relate to it. It just feels like to do anything more would be to pine over him in a needy way. I’ve already been clear of what I want, a loving devoted relationship. Yes, I want the great sex, but that’s not something I will settle for.

I don’t mind you being blunt with me, by the way. I very much respect that. Lol, it even sort of excites me, because I love being in that space of growth and potential opening.

Thank you for your wonderful response. 🙏

Hi Again Tired

I understand what you’re describing here. I wouldn’t want to be his booty call either. LOL

It sounds like his road is going to be a long one. Based on my experience with trans-attracted guys, I don’t think his current trend will continue though. At some point, he’s going to get tired of booty calls and want something more. That could mean something becomes available with him.

But I TOTALLY agree with you: you needn’t wait for that. And I certainly would not advocate pining for anyone, especially in a needy way. Yuck.

I love that you’re clear about what you want Megan. Me too. And I, like you, find excitement in that space of growth and potential opening.

TTN

Here’s Why I Love Talking With Trans-Attracted Men

The Transamorous Network
The Transamorous Network

I just got off the phone with a man who happens to be trans-attracted. Like many men I talk with, he’s married to a cisgender woman. But he knew early in his life he favors transgender women. So why did he marry his wife?

Because he’s like many transgender women.

Transgender women presenting as men often first marry women and raise children. They know who they are, but can’t accept it. Instead, they accepted stories about what they “should” do as men. How they “should” be as men. It’s only later that they come into their own authenticity.

Many transgender women rail against trans-attracted men. I find this deeply hypocritical. Trans-attracted men go through many of the same struggles transgender women go through. Which is why transgender women and trans-attracted men represent perfect matches with each other. That is, if both sides can get over their negative, disempowering stories about each other.

Let’s get back to this wonderful call I enjoyed.

Like many transgender women, this guy kowtowed to family, societal and peer expectation. When his father caught him watching trans porn at age 11, his father shamed him into the closet. It didn’t help that he lives in the Bible Belt. Given all that religious tradition, pressure he felt was too great. He couldn’t accept his authenticity.

So he married a cisgender woman. It was the “man” thing to do. That was over 25 years ago.

Trans-attraction won’t be denied

What’s wonderful about this guy, like most guys like him, is his trans-attraction will not be denied. So many cisgender women contact me in disgust, rage and feeling betrayed. They don’t understand dynamics that had their husbands feel so much shame, their husbands couldn’t bear being honest about themselves.

This guy, I’ll call him Cody, truly loves his wife, who he calls his best friend. They gave birth to two children over the course of their decades long marriage. Yes, they had fights and disagreements. They both cheated on one another. The cheating represented disharmony both felt about their marriage. Disharmony that blocked both Cody and his wife’s knowing something was amiss in their marriage.

This tendency to block what’s really happening in marriage is common. Everyone knows what’s really happening in their marriage, but a lot of times the truth is too much to bear. Or, keeping the marriage, no matter how much it sucks, feels better than the alternative. That’s why I always say to wives feeling betrayed that they knew what was going on in their marriage. But they stopped themselves from seeing it.

While he knew he can’t resist transgender women, Cody told me he stays with his wife “mainly for the kids,” and the duty he believes men should live up to.

But then he met a transgender woman who I’ll call Jackie. That’s when things really started changing.

For trans-attracted men, marriage with a cis-woman is often a tragic denial of self. Both for the man and the woman.

Faced with the truth

Cody met Jackie seemingly by coincidence at Jackie’s workplace. There was instant attraction. But Cody tried to be faithful to his wife. Jackie and Cody never got intimate, but their connection was real, Cody says. He couldn’t deny how he felt. After dalliances with about ten other trans girls, Cody knew this was it, he said. He wants to be with Jackie no matter what.

Still, Cody said, he feels stuck. He believes he can’t leave his wife and kids. The situation is tearing him apart. Cody told Jackie he needed to be there for his wife. Understanding, Jackie said she’d wait for him.

Five years later, Jackie and Cody found themselves face-to-face again. This time in a different place, under different circumstances. But their attraction was still there, strong as ever.

Meanwhile, Cody’s wife discovered her Cody’s escapades on dating apps on his phone. They argued, they separated, but eventually reunited. All the while Cody knew, and knows even more so now, that his trans-attraction is his ultimate authenticity.

“I know it’s not going to go away,” He said. “And I get the importance of what you say about being authentic.”

It’s not a fetish

Just so you know, transgender women, Cody isn’t looking for a chick with a dick. He’s totally a top. But he is irresistibly attracted to the “transness” of transgneder women. Like many trans-attracted and transamorous men, he gets his strong attraction is more about WHO HE IS. Just like transgender women know themselves as WHO THEY ARE. Trans-attraction not a fetish, it’s for real.

The sad thing about some transgender women is their persistent, bogus story that trans-attracted men are somehow fetishizing transgender women through their attraction. When in actuality, trans-attracted men find transgender women attractive because they are transgender among many other factors. It’s no different than a heterosexual woman being attracted to heterosexual men. Or straight men attracted to women because they are women.

I could feel Cody’s sincerity and pain oozing out of every word he used as he described his struggle. His is a struggle because he cares about his wife and doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t want to be alienated from his kids. But he also sees the writing on the wall. It’s the same calculus all married men who can’t deny their trans-attraction go through. And it’s not an easy calculus to make.

“Suppressing this is not going to work,” Cody says. “I get it now. Jackie and I are finding ourselves drawn irresistibly closer. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Fuck.”

Many transgender woman block the love they desperately seek by vilifying those men most capable of loving them. (Photo by Velizar Ivanov)

Courage to love

I love the path more men find themselves on as they own their authentic selves. Authentic selves which move humanity forward. Selves that honor transgender women for who they are.

Transgender women move humanity forward too. When they accept who they are then live that out loud, they confront limited beliefs humanity must give up to evolve.

Now imagine how powerful a transamorous/transgender couple could be. I imagine it and every time I do, I get excited for what’s possible for such individuals, and for society at large. Transgender women seek, often in vain, someone who will love and accept them for all they are. Yet they push against and resist the affection of men, like Cody, who are born exactly wired to do just that.

I find it highly ironic that the love transgender women yearn for awaits them but the place it exists, is the very place they run from. It would be comical if it weren’t so tragic in terms of transgender women living alone, depressed, or worse, compromising themselves to be with a woman when so many know a man is what they want.

I relish the call I enjoyed with Cody. Not only does it confirm what I know about these men, and why I write this blog, it shows me that love exists for everyone. But it takes courage on both sides to get the love that awaits.

The Truth Of Trans Attraction And Its Irresistible Pull

The Transamorous Network
The Transamorous Network

Editors note: Usually in this series I share a letter someone writes or a comment they make on our blog. Then I respond. However, this message I received this week was so touching, I figured I’d just share it. It’s that good. You’ll notice the struggle this person is going through while at the same time marveling over his powerful attraction to the person he describes. His experience reveals the real, intense struggle men go through while coming to terms with their trans attraction. There are powerful learning opportunities in this letter. Not only for men, but also for Transgender Women and for Cisgender women who discover their husband is trans-attracted.

Dear The Transamorous Network: I read an article online you posted and it really hit home on my current situation. To be more specific, the article was about trans “addiction”. Almost everything was spot on about how I feel. I swear you were writing this article for me personally.

For almost 25 years I have had this “addiction”. I’m 37 now…Cheating and heart break had almost ruined my marriage more than a couple of times, but we survived. Kids and grit got us through.

I love my wife and kids…very much. I have recently met someone who is trans. Well kinda. We met 5 years ago, I knew we connected when we first met but life took us different ways. Almost 3 years passed and I had no contact. She moved away with a boyfriend and I continued my life.

It seems fate had brought us back together…I unknowingly walk into a local food chain were she works and there she is, just as beautiful as I remember…Immediately sparks fly for both of us.

We kept in contact for 3 months and I have fallen for her very hard. I have looked past the sexual aspect of this and tried to understand…

Why?

Is it like a drug? Am I in love? Just why am I so magnetically attracted to this person? It just feels right. She knows I am in a relationship and has tried as hard as me to keep this from progressing. It will not stop. We both are frustrated and are drawn closer and closer every time we meet. I feel I must come clean and tell my wife about this, which is terrifying.

It is very complicated with so many emotions its hard to keep them in line. For years and years I have been repressed. [I’ve been] judging myself, thinking demons are controlling me. I’ve prayed for god to take this away. “I don’t want this, please lord” [I would pray].

Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I wrong to wanna be with a trans woman? I grew up were these thoughts were wrong and forbidden. My father caught me watching trans porn when I was a teenager and I had to beg him to not send me to therapy. Growing up in a very small town I was unable to explore this with anyone and am just now finding the strength to be real with myself and understand that this will never go away.

I am very lost but I feel most authentic and genuine when I’m with my trans friend. Knowing I want her and to change her life. She has told me she wants to be with me, and I have expressed the same in return. I am scared, in doubt and worried of the aftermath.

I just wondered if any of this has been familiar? I do not know what to do and I’m worried if this continues I will loose both my marriage and this compelling other relationship that feels so right. Any input comments or guidance would be appreciated. I trust things will be ok. I’m just afraid of making a glaring mistake. Thanks.