If you’re trans attracted and want that perfect partner, you first gotta understand one thing that will kibosh any intent to get what you want.
You’ll still get what you want. But it will end in sadness.
I recently chatted with a Transamorous man who experienced this first hand. He moved from trans-attraction to transamory years ago. Since living out loud and proud about what he likes, he enjoyed meeting quite attractive transgender women, some of whom he dated for years.
But each relationship left him sad. Pointing out the one thing leading to his sadness triggered tears he barely kept back. For his dating experience confirmed this one thing knocking out cold some cis-trans relationships’ potential.
That one thing really comprises two things. If you don’t know them and you’re trans attracted, you’ll not only not see it when you get what you want, you won’t keep it either.
Everyone’s a stepping stone
Transgender women experience life moving from one state to another on the way to an ideal vision of “self”. Unlike most people, their transition keeps them in near constant dissatisfaction about one thing or another. That dissatisfaction offers tremendous motivation. Especially when the woman sees potential on the horizon.
For example, some trans women aspire to professions which reward them for their extreme, post-surgery good looks, their stature and unique aspects, which make them natural runway fits. Modeling, acting or other performance professions offer such opportunity. These professions also offer wonderful life styles and, of course, lots of money. Such lifestyles also come with many gorgeous, successful men.
Others who may not meet those standards, still recognize their physical appearance exceeds those of many cis-women, making them highly desirable. Even for “straight men”, whatever that means, some transgender women turn male heads wherever they go. That makes them highly desirable…and they know it. Just ask any high-priced transgender “escort”. 😱
Many trans-attracted men target such women as their ideal partner. They wish for and idealize such women, who they often see in porn, on Only Fans, or other online venues such as Instagram or Tumblr.
But most transgender women like these, on their way to that success, still want companionship, love, attention and validation. So on their way, they’ll accept relationships with men they will eventually consider not up to the quality they know they can attract. That’s where you come in.
Transgender women like actress and vocal performer Alexandra Grey pursue, and often get, stardom. Are you really up to par with that kind of success? (Instagram)
In other words, trans-attracted men sometimes become stepping stones for these transgender women. They satisfy their companionship, attention and validation needs through you as they move towards their ideal self and their ideal lives.
Dating people temporarily needs no justification. Most relationships don’t last and aren’t meant to. That’s ok.
You must up your game
But if you want that top-shelf transgender woman and you don’t qualify yourself as top shelf, even if you get her, you won’t likely keep her.
The guy I spoke with experienced this first hand. He met a girl shortly after her transition. They connected right away, began dating and enjoyed one another.
Then COVID struck. As with many relationships, constant close proximity strained their relationship. One day, the woman told this guy some bad news. She knew she had tremendous potential as a model. What she didn’t say the guy understood instinctively. As she fulfilled that dream, her tastes, and opportunity to satisfy those tastes, would change. That meant, he no longer offered what she wanted.
I know very beautiful transgender women aspire to top shelf everything. Yes, exceptions exist. But most, I would argue, like most people, react to social conditioning. They seek what society says they should. That leaves many a regular guy shooting for such top shelf women, only to face disappointment later.
People sometimes ask “Well, Perry if your approach works, where’s your relationship?”
I tell them I’m patient. I’m in no hurry. My match and I are still becoming. We will meet when I am at my peak. That moment evolves as I write this, as I develop this platform, Positively Focused and Copiosis. Each of these grows more successful. While more people discover them, I become more well-known. Before long, large numbers of people will know me and my passions. As my passions influence the world more, I become more influential.
That notoriety will create a global awareness of who I am. That will galvanize attention from my partner, who themselves will also enjoy global notoriety, or at least be at that “level” in their own life.
In other words, I’m creating self and stature matching the person I know I eventually will partner with. I call that upping my game. A Transamorous Network client once called that “becoming the best version of me.”
Every sock meets an old shoe
Not all trans-attracted men need become movie stars, billionaires, world leaders or other kinds of influentials in order to meet their match. But if someone aspires to relationships with highly attractive, successful, intelligent, secure, confident transgender women, that person must also be attractive, successful, secure and confident.
Otherwise the two won’t match.
The good news lies in the fact that everyone comes into life with natural gifts. Nurture those and one can’t help become influential in their own way. Like this transgender woman who once also had multiple personalities. She lives out loud about this. As a result she enjoys 133,000 subscribers and helps people like her.
Trans-attraction represents one such gift. Usually, gifts come in combinations. Rarely does a person enjoy only one. So trans-attracted men all come with more than trans-attraction as a gift.
A smarmy saying offers wisdom. It goes “every old sock meets an old shoe.” It means, every person can potentially meet their match and that match can offer great satisfaction, comfort and ease. But enjoying that satisfaction first requires becoming a match to that satisfaction.
The perfect partner needn’t be a model or movie star. Fame doesn’t guarantee relationship success. But many people live far short of their ideal, leaving them desperate, insecure and unsatisfied.
Desperation, insecurity and dissatisfaction offer terrible foundations upon which to build a relationship. And, they tend to draw people living in similar states.
If you want that perfect trans girl and you, yourself, aren’t perfect (whatever that means for you), prepare for disappointment. But many sane, happy, fun, easy-going transgender women exist. They may not be models, but they can offer love, companionship, relationship and affection.
And in the end, when all the glam fades and it’s just you two, what really matters? Model-like appearance? Influence? Fame? Or things like honesty, integrity, communication and trust? Most people I talk with, including transgender women, when I remind them of what matters, act surprised.
Hopefully you’re not. Avoid the kibosh. Revise what you look for in your trans partner. Focus on becoming your best you. Tell positive stories about everything. Then see what happens.
Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
Dear TTN,
I accept the fact that I am attracted to trans women.
One thing that has stopped me for a while is when I see posts of [transgender] activists such as Serena Daniari or others that complain about men that like trans women.
She is very intelligent. She seems the type of trans woman I would date in terms of intelligence, attractiveness, and the fact that she is at a similar level both in career and studies. It’s just an example, I obviously don’t plan on dating her.
The common thing I see from transgender women on social media is this: they keep complaining about men liking them for their penis or not caring about other parts of them, or liking them due to being trans or being secretive about them.
I have contacted lots of them to encourage them. I shared my admiration for them, for what they do, their journey, etc. Sometimes I ask their advice on dating properly with trans women, how to be respectful or how to navigate things appropriately.
Do you know how many of them replied? Zero. And minutes and days later they keep posting complaining about men. They express disgust, say we like them for the wrong reasons or complaining about people misgendering them.
This shocks me because it’s as if they just have a filter that selects the wrong stories and they decide to pay attention to them. And then they just picture people like us as disgusting or DL. Which just creates more shame.
Because on one side they ignore us when we properly talk to them as other humans, but at the same time they talk about us as chasers and disgusting people they generalize on. And then, the icing on the cake is, then they complain about being single and not finding someone that loves them as another human.
It’s very frustrating because you see intelligent, educated, attractive trans women with good careers, and in some way role models that want to help other trans women have easier lives, not being able to date with men that could love them due to solely their mindset and what they want to see.
And with their posts on the topic they amplify the false story that there’s no men out here that want to date trans women who sees them as equals which can cause other trans women that follow them to adopt that vision.
It would be great if bridges could be created with those activists, to help them see that this is not the case. And to help spread the healthy image of relationships between trans women and cis men. Although I am not sure if they are ready to accept that and want to keep at that world perspective that nearly everyone is either against them or wants them for DL sex. I tried explaining but they just ignore me.
What do you think can be done about that?
I would like to date a trans woman like them but I feel I would just get called chaser due to their beliefs. I am not sure if in my country there’s women like them though.
Living in Spain
Dear Living in Spain,
Bridging isn’t necessary. We do not build bridges with transgender women activists who tell stories you talk about. Good reasons support our position. Perhaps you’ll agree with some, since you know stories’ role in shaping people’s experience.
For one, intelligence and career/professional success get trumped by stories every time. You see this in the responses you’re (not) getting and in what these women use their intelligence/success to amplify. A lot of these women’s success depends largely on them amplifying stories their followers/audiences share. Especially so on social media. I’m sure know the popular Upton Sinclair quote:
For a trans woman who’s success (and ongoing income) depends on ongoing and increasing followership through social media, offering opinions contrary to the majority of what that followership believes isn’t in her best interest.
Doing so won’t increase her success or income. It likely will do the opposite. So her vested financial interest is – keep doing what she’s doing (and saying). Which means repeating what her audience believes.
Secondly, many set their own agenda at completely cross-purposes with our agenda. Hypothetical example: a successful transgender woman “activist” moved through sex work on her way to her success. While experiencing very “low level” trans-attracted/chaser men, she developed extremely bitterness-triggering negative stories about men. She told them for a long time, shared them with friends, and got a LOT of agreement/validation of her experiences through her rise on social media.
The momentum of those stories will keep her in that bitterness long after attaining success. The only one who can change that momentum: her. But she must be willing to do that. First, she must know that she tells such stories, and she must understand what’s available in changing them. That alone represents a tall order.
For most such women, that level of self-awareness doesn’t exist. Some barely even register their stories! It’s all happening in them on auto-pilot!
So were we to try changing their mind, it would just cause their stories to “dig in” deeper. We know this from personal experience.
Self-loathing in a pretty, intelligent, successful shell
Another reason we won’t waste our time trying to convince activists otherwise is because a lot of their frustration, anger and revulsion at trans-attracted men is about their own lack of self-worth, insecurity and self-loathing.
Think about it. Many, many transgender women (and we’ve talked with a lot) go through years, sometimes decades HATING what they are. Especially hating body parts they interpret as reminding them who they aren’t.
So when a guy offers his natural acceptance and appreciation of a trans woman for all they are (penis included) doesn’t it seem natural that trans woman who hates parts of herself will react vehemently towards someone who wants them – in part – for the part(s) they hate?
Just because someone is intelligent and successful doesn’t mean they come equipped with introspection and self-awareness/knowledge. Sometimes the most intelligent and successful are the ones with the least self-awareness! And the most self-loathing…
And once they remove the offending part, they now must contend with the fact that they find themselves in a kind of no-man’s land: on the one hand, some men don’t want them because they aren’t “really” women. On the other, those who do want them, they say, want them for what they no longer have. we’re speaking from their perspective of their stories.
The thing is, it’s fine to want intelligence and success. But first on your list should be a story match. The only way to do that is by first entertaining stories you want in a partner. Everything else follows that.
The catch 22 of trans-attraction
You’re absolutely right, and, while being right you affirm the next reason why we won’t bridge with activists. You write: “because it’s as if they just have a filter that selects the wrong stories and they decide to pay attention to them. And then they just picture people like us as disgusting or DL. Which just creates more shame. Because on one side they ignore us when we properly talk to them as other humans, but at the same time they talk about us as chasers and disgusting people they generalize on. And then the icing on the cake is then they complain about being single and not finding someone that loves them as another human.”
This is the crux of the dilemma for both sides. Once you have a story set, or what we call a “belief constellation”, in place, it’s very difficult dislodging yourself so you can see outside that story set. The struggle trans-attracted men have is exactly what you say: society generally shames us, and the very women we are attracted to do too. So we end up self-shaming, self-loathing and in that blame transgender women for our predicament. But for every person struggling, the struggle is self-inflicted. There are no victims.
Yes, trans women do all this complaining, all the while complaining about being single. But think about stories and realities they create. Of course a trans woman who has such stories will end up single…or with a woman. No one can create around their beliefs (stories). That’s why we ONLY work with men and trans women who are willing to examine their beliefs and stories and change them.
So these (and many more) are reasons why we don’t put any time trying to build bridges. With activists or any other trans or trans-attracted person ignorant about what creates their reality, there’s no bridge to be built that will effectively span the chasm created by bogus stories.
Here’s the good news:
There are more trans women out there than you think you know. Many of them don’t have that superficial success depending on constant story agreement. Many exceed your success and intelligence – no offense. And besides, assuming you’re monogamous you only need one! That’s easy to get!
But think about this now: Your email arrived PACKED with as many stories about those women, stories not dissimilar from stories these women have about you. So you’re kinda in the same boat, aren’t you? Rather than trying to reach these “activist” women, who you see as successful and thus prime candidates for your attention and affection, why not instead change YOUR stories, and thereby your attention, to those transgender women who are out there who already meet you on the story level, profession level and success level? They are out there, but, just like you say about Serena, you can’t see them if you keep going after girls like Serena then complaining when they ignore you.
Here’s something else to consider. And we’re just casually sharing here. Isn’t it obvious from your observation and experience that intelligence and career success aren’t enough to find a match? We agree with you, there are many very successful transgender women out there. More than you know, we promise.
But no amount of intelligence/career success will overcome stories you keep telling, or they keep telling, that keep you from being a match. In fact, intelligence and success, as you saw, often hinder one’s ability to see different perspectives. The very perspectives that can bring them everything they want.
You don’t need activists. The Transamorous Network doesn’t either. If you want to enjoy fulfilling, happy cis-trans relationships, or just one, attend to your stories first. Then, armed with better-feeling stories, relax and watch as your reality changes to match your new level of story creation.
We love it when a transamorous man publicly declares his love of transgender women. That’s our goal at The Transamorous Network: inspiring more men along their trans-chaser-to-transamory journey to drop their shame and publicly own how amazing being transamorous is.
While many battled fear and insecurity around COVID-19 in the last 18 months, Corey decided sharing his love of transgender women felt right. So not only did the highly-certified technician do so, he did it grandly…on YouTube.
Having posted 10 months ago, Corey’s video racked up almost 100,000 views so far. And while almost 100,000 doesn’t make his video “viral”, as far as we’re concerned, that’s a healthy viewership for the trans/trans-attracted community.
Corey’s straightforwardness endears him to his viewers. He makes no bones about his attraction, even when acknowledging he may get negative responses.
“I don’t care what the general population things about me.” He says.
When I sifted through the video’s over 2,000 comments (in 10 months!), most seemed quite supportive. The video garnered over 16K thumbs up compared to a measly 158 thumbs down. An impressive ratio.
We want to amplify Corey’s message because it bears repeating.
No shame, just glory
Corey’s message: no shame exists in your trans-attraction. It’s natural and wholesome.
We’ll add: the only reason you feel shame about your trans-attraction owes itself to what you bring to it in your thoughts.
Shame tells trans-attracted men what they’re thinking about their natural attraction doesn’t line up with what they really know at the core of who they are. When a guy tells stories like “my friends will ridicule me”, or, “I’ll lose my job”, or, “Am I gay?” when feeling arousal over transgender women, of course they’ll feel shame.
They’ll also feel embarrassment, insecurity, fear, judgement…and many other emotions. All these emotions tell the thinker, what they’re thinking is bogus.
Our clients discover freedom from all these negative emotions once they start telling positive stories about their attractions. Such freedom not only makes finding wholesome, strong, lovely transgender women possible. It also turns every other aspect of life in better directions.
That’s why our clients report specific and general improvements in their lives. They also find more empowerment and happiness.
Listen how Corey’s confidence, honesty and certainty comes through along with the words he’s sharing. It’s the message we share too.
We’re eager to see more men like Corey come forward.
We say over and over that stories create reality. Especially in dating or trying to find a date, a partner, a lover or whatever. Here at The Transamorous Network we know this as a kind of “law”. There’s no getting around it.
Recently, a client saw first hand how her stories created an embarrassing experience. In the same experience though, came illumination. For in the experience she saw with stark clarity how her stories create what she experiences.
The great good in that was now she knows consistent, happy stories will create consistent happy dates.
This client, let’s call her “Stacy”, is transgender. While Stacy wants love, she can’t make up her mind right now about many things she wants in a relationship.
Your stories bring their own clarity
Stacy prefers men. Polyamory allures her too. But when potential partners sharing that lifestyle talk about their other partners, Stacy feels insecure and jealous. She also remains unsure about what she likes in bed. And she’s not sure she wants bottom surgery.
Men she’s found represent wide varieties of tastes and flavors. She enjoys smart ones. Funny ones, men who know what they want and clearly express that attract her too. But she doesn’t like excessively forward men or men who want only sex.
The men showing up in your life show up because of stories you tell about men. Same goes for you men who want to be with a transgender woman. (Photo by Tamarcus Brown on Unsplash)
One night Stacy got a shocking, combined sample of all these stories. She met a man who ticked many of Stacy’s boxes. As a result, when he asked her to meet him late one night, she agreed.
This guy was in an “open” relationship. Not quite a poly relationship, he and his female partner agreed they’d enjoy sex with others. Their agreement also barred him from sleeping with cis-women. But he could sleep with transgender women.
Let the fun begin
So Stacy and this guy made plans. Another stipulation of the guy’s relationship included communicating transparently about his plans ahead of time. So he left his partner a voice message that he had a date and would return home late.
Stacy and this guy met in his car and parked in a lot where the two started fooling around. That quickly turned to stroking and stroking turned to fellatio, with one giving to the other and vice versa.
When Stacy’s turn to give came, she dove in with relish, she said. He orgasmed into her mouth, which she particularly enjoys. Then they took a breather before round two. After he went down on her, it was Stacy’s turn again.
As she started to put his penis in her mouth, Stacy, who looked into the guy’s eyes, also noticed someone else in the car window behind him. She looked up a bit more and there stood a woman looking right into her eyes.
“It was so embarrassing,” Stacy said. “Here I was with this guy’s dick in my mouth and this woman was looking right at me.”
Literally caught in the act
Turned out this woman was the guy’s partner. She located the couple though her partner’s phone, which broadcast his location. The woman was livid. Stacy and her date dressed and he told Stacy to give him a moment as he stepped out the car.
The car interior offered no privacy though. Stacy listened as the woman reamed the guys ass and not in a good way. She railed about him leaving a voice message, which didn’t satisfy their agreement that they talk about encounters before hand.
“It was obvious she was not happy,” Stacy said. “She was hurt, clearly jealous and angry.”
Eventually, the woman left. By then, all the magic of the night wore off. The guy apologized for the spectacle, drove Stacy back to her AirBnb, then drove home.
Later, on the phone, he apologized again for his partner’s insecurities and for her surprising them both by showing up on their date. He asked Stacy if she’d be willing to meet his partner in hopes that would soothe her anger.
Believe it or not, but when faced with an angry person, you’re a match to that anger somehow. Stacy’s experience with her date’s partner shows how stories she’s telling created the situation she found herself in. That’s good news. (Photo by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash)
Stacy said yes, at first, but then, later, after talking with friends about the situation, said she didn’t want to talk with her. She concluded this guy’s relationship had nothing to do with her.
She was wrong though. The relationship and what happened had everything to do with her.
Stories always show up in one’s reality
Every encounter with another, whether a stranger, a partner or a lover always shows what active stories exist in one’s awareness.
That’s a good thing. Because how do one know what beliefs one believes if reality doesn’t show them to the person? Once a story becomes a belief, realities that story creates, replace conscious awareness of the belief itself. Belief recedes into the background and “reality” becomes “true”.
So it’s positive when something seemingly shitty happens. When it does, a person can changes stories creating it. In time the new story creates reality consistent with it. Just as the old, negative story created reality consistent with it.
So here Stacy sat, dead in the middle of a constellation of stories, all creating an experience consistent with themselves. Think about it:
Stacy believes she doesn’t know whether she wants a polyamorous relationship.
She holds beliefs about herself, particularly stories about her self-worth. Those stories create insecurity and jealousy in her.
She has stories that men, especially straight men, use trans women as means to satisfy an experimental desire. Men don’t want a trans girl for a partner.
Stacy also feels insecure about what she likes, and worries about what others might think about what she likes.
And here she finds herself in a situation where a jealous, angry, insecure, untrusting person shows up and literally exposes Stacy in quite the embarrassing situation.
It works 100 percent of the time
Stories create reality. It doesn’t matter if you like the story you’re telling or not, the story, told often enough will create reality consistent with it. It’s great news knowing that though because it shows how the Universe is 100 percent consistent. It always presents realities consistent with stories you’re telling.
Your stories create your life. Tell positive stories and watch what happens. Sounds crazy, we know, but it works.
Most people tell a combination of some positive stories and some negative, with a preponderance of one over the other. So a consistently negative person can experience a positive thing here and there in their lives. But generally, their life (to them) feels mostly negative.
The pessimist’s life is just like a mostly cloudy sky. Mostly clouds with an occasional bright spot. Should that person focus on the bright spots, the pessimist’s sky would clear in time, leaving a bright, shiny, cloudless day.
But how many pessimists you know turn their lives (and their demeanor) into optimistic ones? Hardly any.
Relationship stories work the same. Which is why we encourage transgender women and trans-attracted men the way we do. First, get your stories right. Do that and the relationship you want comes super easy.
So does everything else. Everything else comes easy because stories create ALL reality. Not just relationship realities.
What realities are you creating? Do you like your relationship life? Or do you want a better one? If you do, we can help.
Online dating seems like the way everyone meets their match these days. But the best, most fun way to meet your match if you’re transgender or trans-attracted happens not through online dating. It happens when you focus on being happy. When you do that, that guy or gal will drop into your lap with no effort on your part.
It’s surprising how few people actually use online dating. It’s not as many as you think. And, according to general opinion, results people get from online dating, on average, show online dating performs about as well as meeting people through other methods.
In this post, we’re going explain why we don’t encourage finding romantic partners through online dating. Then we’ll explain how being happy works better. In fact, its success rate is 100 percent. Then we’ll explain why being happy enjoys such a perfect success rate.
When it comes to online dating, we’re not just giving our opinion. We’re sharing opinions from over 4,000 online daters. Pew Research interviewed these people then wrote a report called “The Virtues and Downsides of Online Dating.” Numbers shared in this post come from Pew’s survey data report.
Let’s get right to it.
The good news
It’s no surprise that online daters trend younger. What did surprise us is Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual (LGB) online dating usage exceeds other groups. LGB community members use online dating at much higher rates than any other population.
It’s fair to say then, that higher percentages of people dating online also are LGB. It’s also safe to say LGB folks (and we’ll include “T” folks too as well as Trans-attracted people) experience less desirable online dating results more often. That’s because more LGB people use online dating.
Full disclosure: at least one of our Transamorous Network clients finds online dating helpful. But two others traded online dating for the approach we recommend at the end of this post, and for good reasons.
Online dating gets hyped, which is why so many people use it to try to find a partner. (Photo by Pratik Gupta on Unsplash)
Over the years, more people, generally, turned to online dating. Increases in online dating probably reflect increased communication about online dating and the availability of it. An online dating platform exists for virtually any persuasion, interest, hobby or characteristic. That plus relatively inexpensive membership costs, make online dating quite alluring.
Add to that the fact that online dating is a for-profit business model with investors making money off your loneliness, you can bet investors will spend a lot of money getting you to subscribe. So seeing online dating opportunity everywhere should not surprise you.
Furthermore, people’s increasingly busy lives, their intense desire for finding a partner, especially young people, and perhaps people’s dissatisfaction finding partners in other ways, caused large jumps in online dating participation over the last decade or so.
Still, that doesn’t mean a lot of people date online. Pew says only 30 percent of Americans use online dating. Now, 30 percent of 300 million people is a lot. But relative to the whole, it’s not.
How do they fare?
Of that 30 percent, less than half (12 percent) reported they had a committed relationship or married someone they met online. That means 88 percent of people who use online dating don’t end up in committed relationships or marriage with someone they met online.
We mentioned above that a lot of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual (LGB) people use online dating. Over half (55 percent) of LGB people try finding mates this way, with a large number of 18-29 year olds (48 percent) doing so as well. According to Pew, both groups report higher success finding partners. Twenty percent of both young people and LGB people say they married or had committed relationships with someone they met online.
But that still leaves 80 percentof both groups who did not.
So how successful online dating can be depends on many factors. But no matter the factors, we’d say an 80 percent failure rate is not a successful dating method.
Combined with problems online dating comes with, which we’ll share momentarily, one would think no one would go for the hype. Could it be online dating success gets way overblown? Or do other reasons compel people to online dating sites?
People use online dating for different reasons, many of which seem quite reasonable. (Photo by Victoria Heath on Unsplash)
People report reasonable causes for using online dating.
Many report online dating offers a wider pool of potential partners. Some say they can screen people ahead of time, thereby eliminating obvious not-matches. Others say it’s just easier. Many appreciate online dating’s perceived low costs. Online dating, others say, also offers like-minded people opportunities to meet.
The Pew report adds: “Relatively small shares [of people] argue that online dating has had a mostly positive effect because it is a more efficient way of meeting people, is a better alternative to more traditional ways of meeting, helps people who have trouble meeting others or is a safer way of meeting people.”
So online dating does seem to offer good usage cases. But let’s look at some downsides people report.
Online dating isn’t fun
Pew says “There is a stronger consensus among respondents who believe dating sites and apps have had a mostly negative effect.”
Various forms of dishonesty – ranging from people embellishing the truth to outright scams exist on these sites. Some respondents say online dating makes courtship more like an assembly line process. It takes romance and spontaneity out of dating and eliminates more meaningful and deeper connections. Minorities often report finding online dating more difficult than non-minorities.
Participants often say people don’t act like themselves online. No one is actually getting to really know each other, they say, and communication is flawed from the beginning. They also say “swipe mentality” and a constant influx of new “inventory” causes more superficial reactions to profiles rather than meaningful connection between people.
Online dating apps frequently leave people feeling frustrated and hopeless. Yet, people still use them. Go figure. (Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash)
Reports show people often swing way out of their league too. They go after people far more attractive, successful or otherwise beyond their “class” so to speak. This often leads to frustration and disappointment.
It’s no wonder then that wide margins of users report negative online dating experiences. Nearly half (45 percent) said online dating leaves them more frustrated than hopeful. Sixty percent of female users report receiving harassing behavior. Some even say online dating fosters superficial hook-up behavior over deeper, longer-lasting relationships. A few even say online dating isn’t safe.
So generally, while online dating success happens for a few, far more users experience many downsides, including failure and frustration dating online.
It’s just not fun wading through profiles day-in and day-out. Doing so leads to isolation, despondency and even anxiety for many. Success comes to very few.
Why it doesn’t work
Online dating fails an 80 percent of the time.
Would you drive a car that breaks down and can’t get you to work 80 percent of the time? Certainly you wouldn’t work someplace where 80 percent of the time you wouldn’t get paid, would you? Would you buy a plane ticket from an airline whose planes crashed 80 percent of the time? Would you date someone who lied to you 80 percent of the time?
Of course you would do none of these things. Yet so many people hope to find a match through a process that fails 80 of the time. Isn’t that interesting? A more interesting question: why does it fail so often?
The short answer: because online dating can’t overcome stories people tell themselves. Your stories create your reality. What that means: if you think, for example, that you can’t find a man who will love you for who you are, no online dating platform can bring you a man who will love you for who you are. Instead, you’ll get results like this person, every time:
A trans woman vigorously defending her limiting beliefs.
Let’s say you believe transgender women are attractive, sexy and someone you want to be with. But you also believe you might be gay because of your attraction. Or that your friends will humiliate you should they find our. Or you believe your religion says your attraction means you’ll go to hell. A dating site will will only match you with transgender women whose beliefs match yours. Meaning, you will meet transgender women who themselves harbor insecurities, fears, self loathing, unworthiness, and they will act from those feelings.
You see, it doesn’t matter what external tool you try using. That’s because your thoughts – about you, about your partner, about life in general – dominate. They create your experience.
Dating failure starts in the head
Think about it. Here I am in front of my computer. I worked all day at a job I don’t like. I come home, I’m tired. Because I’m tired, I don’t think about what or how I’m thinking. So my thoughts wander. I think about my empty apartment, how quiet it is. I decide I don’t like that. Then I remember that story my friend told me about how she met someone who turned out to be an asshole. I don’t like that either.
Men are scum, I say out loud. It’s my common refrain.
Then I think about how lonely I feel. At 35, time’s running out for me. My last relationship was three years ago. It ended ugly. So now, in this gaggle of disempowering thoughts/stories, I open Match.com or OKCupid and…
What do you think I’m a match to? A successful guy, a great communicator, someone who loves life, has a great job, a car, is happy, likes to have fun and is great in bed?
OF COURSE I’M NOT!
Why on earth would I expect a dating app to match me with that kind of person?
IT CAN’T!
Finding lasting love can and does happen. In every case it happens by becoming a match to it. Are you really a match to the person you’re looking for? Most aren’t, which is why they fail. (Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash)
And even if it did, should I try communicating with that person, my insecurity, loneliness and desperation would speak more loudly than any words on a computer screen! Or, that person will just pass up both my message and profile. He literally won’t see it because his stories draw to him matches to the confidence, happiness, fun and love he feels.
All anything in physical reality can do is respond to what you put out through your stories. Which means, if you want to meet your ideal match, you must become a match to that person.
How do you do that?
By changing how you think about life. By changing how you think about everything.
“Everything?” You say?
Yes, EVERYTHING!!!! 😂
Again, think about it
Think about that successful guy, a great communicator, someone who loves life, has a great job, a car, is happy, likes to have fun and is great in bed. It’s highly unlikely that guy is on an online dating app.
Do you get that?
He’s out having fun. He’s hanging with his homies. Working late because he loves his job, he doesn’t have time for dating apps. This guy’s confidence attracts whoever he wants. That success he enjoys does too.
Since he’s comfortable with who he is, confident in his life and happy, he doesn’t feel lonely. Nor does he feel he needs a relationship. A relationship might add to life, but HE DOESN’T NEED ONE.
That handsome, fun, successful guy isn’t using online dating. He’s out living large and loving life. (Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash)
You do though. And so you aren’t a match to this guy. Nor are you happy because you keep thinking about the relationship you don’t have, the one you badly want.
Same goes with a successful, happy, beautiful transgender woman, guys. If you pine for such a girl and open your computer to find one, she’s not going to be there because she doesn’t need it to find her match. Chances are, she’s not looking for a match anyway. Her life is full and she’s happy.
Transgender women and trans-attracted men must find a better approach. One that works 100 percent of the time. That approach starts with an internal examination.
The better approach
Yes, the better approach works 100 percent of the time. Here’s why. Read carefully, because this will trip you out.
There’s only one reason, the only, ultimate reason, people want a partner. People think it’s because they want children. Some think they want one for the company. Others say because they don’t want to be lonely. Some just want sex. Some believe it will make them “complete”.
But underneath all these superficial reasons (yes, they’re all superficial compared to the ultimate reason) lurks the one reason everyone wants a partner: because in having one, they feel better than they do without one.
That’s it? Yep. That’s it.
Being in love feels better than not. Being in a relationship, even in a not-so-good one, many will say, feels better than being alone. Having children, for some, feels great. Sex…well, you know.
The point is, relationship pursuit, at its core, happens because people everywhere look to relationships because they believe relationships make them happy.
The better approach, the one that works 100 percent of the time, is this: First, be happy. Cultivate a chronic, lasting happiness that’s unconditional. Do that and you don’t need a partner because…well…you’re already happy!
And here’s the sneaky part of the better approach, the thing you’re looking for: just like the ideal guy and the ideal trans woman described above, in being happy, you don’t need a relationship. And, paradoxically, when you don’t need one, the one you want shows up. Without you doing anything to get it.
It gives you everything you want
The thing is, everyone can easily beat bad results 80-90 percent of people get through online dating. We’re going to tell you how that approach works, but first we’re going to tell you why it’s the better approach.
Not only does it do all the work, not only does it work 100 percent of the time, it’s more fun. The better approach happens in your real life, not in a computer. Your life transforms before your eyes and as it does, you find life getting more and more interesting and enjoyable.
The approach that works 100 percent of the time starts with you. (Photo by Caroline Veronez on Unsplash)
Frustration doesn’t exist either. In time, happiness becomes your standard state. Frustration, anxiety, fear and insecurity disappear. In their absence, life flows easily towards your ideals.
People can’t scam or use you. They can’t because they can’t find you. Just like the happy guy described above isn’t a match to you when you’re cranky and alone, scammers and users can’t scam and use you if you’re not a match to their plans, can they?
With the better approach, you only meet your matches. Your pool of available matches increases infinitely using this approach…but.
You only need one guy or girl. Think about it. Unless you’re poly, do you really need a huge-ass candidate pool? Of course not. You’re looking for that one partner. The great thing about the better approach is there are many “one partners” and they’re the only ones you meet when using this approach.
Also, you’re already happy using the better approach! Relationships then become nice-to-haves. Not must haves.
And, when you do meet your match(es), it happens in fun and surprising ways. The better approach brings back the spice, the romance, the excitement that once existed in dating. Who doesn’t like being surprised?
Meanwhile the rest of your life gets better too. Literally everything you want comes to you the more you use this approach. Can online dating make that claim?
How it works
It seems like the approach would be complicated. It’s not. We show our clients how to use it and they get all the results stated above. That one client we said who still uses online dating? She’s learning how to use our approach while dating online. And while to us, that’s suboptimal, she’s having fun meeting all kinds of people.
But we think she’ll drop online dating once she really understands how the approach works.
You will too.
The approach works simply. Every experience you find yourself in, happens because you draw it to you. You’re like a magnet. Experiences act like metal. Which experiences you experience depends on what “magnetic attraction” you put out.
The approach described here happens all day every day for everyone, no exceptions. Any one can easily confirm it happening in their lives. One need only know how to see the signs.
Once a person activates their “magnetism” the way that attracts what they want, those things just come. If your “magnetism” is off, that what you get. Off stuff.
Your can’t control what comes after things start coming. The only control a person has is what kind of “magnetism” they put out. How does a person control what “magnetism” they put out?
Through thoughts they think.
We lied, it’s not simple
While it’s fun knowing specific details how thoughts determine that “magnetism”, you don’t need to know those details to leverage the approach. And it will still work 100 percent of the time.
All you need to do is examine what you’re thinking about everything you think about and gradually change all those thoughts to positive ones. Again, this process works 100 percent of the time. The cool thing is, the results show up at once. Waiting around isn’t necessary. You don’t need to wade through any profiles or even go on dates!
Feeling better is what everyone wants. It’s the reason everyone wants what they want. Including relationships. Get happy and watch how what you want comes easily.
In no time you’ll find yourself happy. “Happy” means you’re putting out the right “magnetism”. The key then is holding yourself in “happy” long enough to create a momentum or chronic happy state.
On the way to cultivating that state everything we wrote about in the “it gives you everything you want” section above happens.
Now think about that: standing in all that goodness coming your way and seeing it happen, aren’t you happy? You are. And in that happiness, do you really need a relationship? Not really. You may still want one and that’s fine.
100 percent success rate
The great news is, you’ve freed yourself from desperation, frustration, anxiety and every other feeling borne of negative thoughts. Thoughts that block you getting what you want.
In that freedom the relationship you want will come. One hundred percent guaranteed.
At The Transamorous Network we show people how this approach works. Those working with us get everything they want. But it doesn’t stop there. They discover how much fun life is, then they keep working with us because it’s super fun being around happy people who themselves enjoy life so much.
Online dating looks and feels convenient and easy. But with an 80 percent failure rate, we think that ease and convenience is not worth the cost. The best, most fun way to meet your match, if you’re transgender or trans-attracted, happens not through online dating.
It happens when you focus on being happy. When you do that, that guy or gal will drop into your lap with no effort on your part. Want to ask a question or give it a try? We’d love to hear from you.
Don’t be part of the 80 – 90 percent of people failing online. Find your happiness. Then, discover how easy it is being happy, and finding your true love.
