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It’s Not Your Trans Circus, Nor Your Trans-Attracted Monkey

Photo by Park Troopers on Unsplash

The following comes from reader and subscriber Jaimie Harris. She responded to our post about what trans and trans-attracted love can look like. In that post we described how effortless finding love can be. We shared the experience of a transgender client who, by telling increasingly better stories, is finding her way through increasingly better trans-attracted guys.

What Jamie shares further illustrates how powerful stories are. They literally create our reality. And that’s exactly what happened with Jaimie. Her experience, like our client’s, illustrates everything we say here at The Transamorous Network.

Anyone can create anything they want. Whether a lover, a better job or a relationship. Whatever floats one’s boat can be one’s reality. But to have that, one must become a match to that ideal condition. That means thinking and believing in ways consistent with that which one wants.

It’s not easy at first. But that’s only because we’ve allowed ourselves to be trained out of that natural way of being. Every other living thing on this planet lives this way. Which is why you don’t see birds, for example, working hard. Or bears worried about the winter.

So here’s Jaimie’s response to our post. See if you can identify where she changed her old story to match what she wants. Then as a result ends up with exactly that.

Soothing one’s self to get what one wants

Thank you, your writing is on point. I was overwhelmingly lonely, after being on my own for several years. I have dated several men only to find out that they were still married, but they had no intimacy at home. Their problem, not mine. But I primarily prefer to be with ladies. I am pansexual. 

As I was seeking ladies out to date online, even though I live in a city of 8 million people, I still had been unable to find my true love. I know that in my chats I was showing myself to be insecure and too needy for a relationship. But I couldn’t help it because of my overwhelming loneliness.

Finally, I got to the point where I could back off a little bit and decided that if they wanted to stop chatting after a day or two, it was their problem not mine. And then I became less needy when I was online. Now I have a girlfriend who I am engaged to that I met online. Every day she and I are together is even better than the previous day. She is trans but has not started her transition yet. I look forward to making her transition easier than I was since I had no support at home. Each day we are together our love grows stronger. 

I’m sure that those ladies I was trying to date online were thinking I had issues that I still needed to resolve from having lived life as trans and being told I wasn’t worth anything to anybody and I was mental and perverted. I had seen two therapist, but neither one of them were familiar with LGBT issues, even though they advertised they were. 

But your writing has always helped me to keep grounded. Thank you.

Evidence surrounds us daily

We are literally surrounded by evidence proving our thoughts create our reality. Jaimie changed her beliefs. She released beliefs creating “loneliness” enough to attract someone she eventually fell in love with. She also released beliefs telling her she was broken. In doing so, she realized therapists she was seeing couldn’t help her.

Now empowered, she can support her loved one in ways she didn’t enjoy. She no longer believes that other people’s actions have something to do with her. It’s a great way to live: “Not my monkey, not my circus”. Let other people live how they want. Make nothing they do about you. Then watch as your life improves.

Many great things lie ahead of Jaimie if she continues releasing old, disempowering beliefs. The path to everything we want unfolds when we do that. Jaimie’s experience also shows that anyone can do this work. It all comes down to living authentically. And by that, I mean living the fully-positive, enthusiastic, empowered self that lies at the core of all of us. By living from there, life must reflect that back to us in the form of a life we love.

Most of us, transgender, trans-attracted or otherwise instead live lives “realistically”. We think we must be up to speed on current events. We must believe what others tell us. What they tell us about being trans, or trans-attracted, they assert is “true”.

I tell my clients nothing they want lies on that path. Become positively deranged, however, and witness the wonderful life that unfolds from that.

Jamie’s figuring it out. You can too. Need some help? If you need some help, I’m here.

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How To Be Safe And Date As A Trans Woman

Dear TTN,

I am a trans woman who recently found your service through an online search. I love the idea of what you are trying to accomplish. It seems like you have had a lot of success with helping individuals find each other and then find love. There is something that worries me though. With everything going on in our country right now it can be dangerous to be openly trans and looking for a partner. Not all people are as open and accepting as you. So here’s my questions: When connecting men to trans women how do you know it’s genuine? How do you know the man doesn’t have ulterior motives? Is there a vetting process? 

 I just want to be safe.

 Thank You,

  Safe-T

Hey Safe-T,

Thanks for reaching out. I appreciate your concerns. How The Transamorous Network process works is much different than the way, it seems, you’re thinking it works.

By the end of this description, I think you’ll see there is no risk at all wrt meeting someone who would pose a danger to you. It will also show why I have “a lot of success” with helping people find the love they are looking for.

I help the people I work with, both transgender women and trans-attracted/transamorous men, move through various stages of becoming a match to the person they want to meet. So none of them are ready to be “matched” with a potential partner in real life at first.

Trying to match them in person with potential partners would be very challenging because of this. They can only find and resonate with what they’re putting out (i.e. their match). And most of my clients start off as NOT being a match to who they ultimately want as partners. So trying to put together an in-person match would fail way more than it succeeds. This explains why online dating has such dismal success. People only meet people they’re a match to. And most people aren’t ready to meet that perfect person. Including clients.

So that’s the first point.

The second point supports the first. Because of what I just described above, I don’t “literally” match people with potential partners in person. That would be far too difficult. I would need a HUGE stable of potential matches. But even if I did have such a stable, the chances of such “matches” working out would be very, very slim.

What I do instead is help people on both sides of the trans-community dating dynamic change how they think about the people on the other side of the dynamic. In other words, I help the men better understand the woman they want to meet, mostly by first understanding themselves. I do the same with transgender women. In doing that, gradually, both the men and the women find themselves increasingly meeting better matches “spontaneously” or “coincidentally”. However, the approach I use doesn’t acknowledge “coincidence” in the way society generally means when using that word.

What happens is, as clients change their stories, they become better matches to the kinds of people they want to meet. As they do that, the physical world, which is a reflection of one’s internal, psychic or mental state, includes potential partners that are, again, increasingly better and better matches. This naturally results when one improves their internal, psychic or mental state. Because the external world is a reflection of that inner world.

This process usually takes a while, as all things usually do in physical reality. That’s mainly because it takes people a while to acknowledge stories (beliefs, thoughts, ideas) about themselves, about being trans, being trans-attracted, about relationships, about potential partners, etc. are creating their reality. They also must contend with the momentum of whatever current disempowering stories they have about these subjects, which are being reflected back to them in their now-reality and must therefore be contended with before improvement shows up.

But through the process, this improvement and progress becomes obvious. Evidence proving its working quickly piles up until it becomes undeniable. In time, then, people begin relaxing with the process instead of resisting it. Then they ease beliefs that are contrary to what they want.

As they do this, one of the pieces of evidence that shows up is, prospective partners – their quality, character, etc. – start improving. As that happens, clients relax more (give up more resistance). Eventually, physical reality MUST present the client with an ideal partner, or partners, if that’s what they want, since physical reality is a reflection of one’s internal, psychic or mental state.

This is why I have so much success with both sides of the trans-community dating dynamic. I help clients address the source from which their dating experience emerges, rather than trying to figure out whether this person or that person will be their ideal match. Their ideal match shows up automatically, once the client gets their stories to match what it is they want.

Ultimately, every date represents a perfect match. They always reflect back to us who we’re dominantly being. So if a person is meeting people they don’t like, the problem isn’t in the people they’re meeting. The person is the problem.

They’re also the solution.

So, presuming you’re still reading 🙂 you can see how the risk of meeting someone posing a danger to you would be impossible with my approach. It simply can’t happen, because the client is predisposed, mentally, psychically to not meet such people as a result of the process we use. Then physical reality only brings people who are a match to that predisposition.

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Most Trans-Attracted Men Don’t Know What They’re Doing. Forgive Them.

Photo by Girl with red hat on Unsplash

If you’ve read posts here before, you get a sense of our perspective. Humans create everything in our experience. Including other people. But nearly all of us are doing that unaware that’s what we’re doing. So we blame the world around us, and other people, for our troubles. All the while not realizing when we do that, we create more trouble for ourselves.

Tremendous amounts of power lie hidden in that very true synopsis of our perspective.

Trans-attracted men (and transgender women) are no exception to this. Most of us think the world around us some objective thing. It’s separate from us, not springing out of us as a reflection of our inner state. So it’s not a wonder trans-attracted men will react to inner awareness with fear. Their basis for self understanding is external, as it is for most of us. It doesn’t matter that that basis is flawed, which it is. When they notice something about themselves, they will consult the world around them for what’s true.

Transgender women do this too.

Unfortunately, the world around them will tell them they are the problem. Then, trying to fit in, they’ll hide this new awareness, or try changing it. Social ostracism, for the uninitiated trans-attracted guy, is a terrible thing. Familial ostracism is even worse. Ostracism from one’s manliness is an even more fearsome thing. No wonder such men struggle accepting what they are. Just like many transgender women.

It’s meant this way

But the world IS a reflection. And like all reflections, it’s an illusion. The paradox of this world though, is, if you walk onto a freeway, cars zooming toward you will kill you. So we must all contend with the powerful “reality” we put ourselves in that feels so real…when it’s, at the same time, not at all real.

After all, if we knew it wasn’t real coming in, the benefit of life would not be ours, would it? So we hypnotize ourselves into this “kill you” part of the paradox.

Meanwhile, the reflection serves us all. It aids in our becoming better versions of ourselves. “Better versions” look like increasingly pure expressions of divine intelligence. More direct expressions of All That Is, in other words.

“Trans” and “trans attraction” represent this purer, more direct expression. What do you think Divine Intelligence, or All That Is, looks like anyway? A grey-bearded white guy?

NO!

All That Is is “TRANS gender”. It comprises both genders while simultaneously rising above them all. It is more than the sum of its (infinite parts).

And so are we.

Physical reality is an illusion…that can kill you. (Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash)

Back to the guys

Trans-attracted men are identical to transgender women when viewed from this perspective. They are on similar paths. You could say they are on different aspects of the same path. No one’s murdering these guys, sure. But again, it’s not the SAME path! It’s a DIFFERENT ASPECT of the same path. We could even call it a COMPLEMENTARY aspect.

In other words, while transgender people need no protectors, trans-attracted men can complement them in off-the-chart ways. But these men first must know what they’re doing with their trans-attraction. Their journey from Chaser to Transamory IS THAT PROCESS.

If transgender women were willing to change their view of such men, they would find powerful allies there. Yes, it takes a profound willingness to change one’s mind in the face of so much evidence to the contrary. And I know most transgender women won’t do stop looking at the contrary evidence long enough to do that. It’s true: self-loathing is a powerful elixir.

But some do. Some like my clients.

Every story can change. Even self loathing ones. A powerful figure with tremendous global influence once said of his tormentors “Forgive them Father. They know not what they do.” There’s great power in forgiveness. That and asking questions.

A simple question can change the course of even the most vile person. And in that way transgender women can become catalysts for trans-attracted men. If they choose to.

So, transgender women, the next time you get a dick pick from some online dating app you’d do better not being on, perhaps instead of getting mad, forgive the sender. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Then, maybe, ask them a question. Like: Why do you think sending me this picture will get you what you think you want?

Then see what happens next.

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There’s Nothing Like Liberation From One’s Family

Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash

American, and many other cultures, venerate the family. For many people, family represents culture’s bedrock.

But family also remains the prime source of beliefs so detrimental to human civilization, it’s a wonder civilizations get along as well as they do.

That’s why there’s nothing more liberating than finding freedom from one’s family. Expectations, pressures and bogus beliefs formed as a result of coming into the world through them can throw us off the path we chose before coming here.

It’s a wonder so many transgender and trans-attracted people crave acceptance from families that would otherwise “disown” them. Such families do such “victims” a massive favor when they do disown them. They free such people from insidious stories. Stories which can debilitate a person for the rest of their lives.

My birth family was the path through which I came into the world. Nothing more. Most of my youth I spent alone, in the woods, or with friends on the streets. My parents offered little in the way of forming family bonds. My father left after divorcing my mother when I was nine. After that, my mom focused on raising us. But also doing what she could to enjoy her life.

I bore no judgement toward her behavior. I appreciate, even now, sacrifices she made for us. Or rather, actions she took out of her own sense of responsibility for bringing children into the world.

I recall many tender moments when my mother was very much a good mom. And moments when she bitterly blamed her three boys for burdens we experienced, the main one being her divorce from my father. My mother really loved my father. Racism tore our family apart.

But that’s another story.

Stories with no stickiness

Playing with my mothers clothing clued me in on my unique nature. So did the amount of time I enjoyed being by myself. In my classes for gifted students, I did nothing remotely academic. I just enjoyed exploring my thoughts and personal interests.

Joining the Marines after high school finally separated my family and I for good. In the military I formed more of who I am today. I got clear about myself with little outside influence. Sure, the Marines shaped me. A lot. But that shaping was very much in line with what I knew myself to be: disciplined, focused, individual.

I visited my mother off and on after the Marines. But it never felt like coming home. Home for me is wherever I am at the moment. So when I told my mother, now as an adult, that my real mother was “the Universe”, she wasn’t happy to hear that. And yet, I believe she wasn’t surprised. I think she knew I never felt part of what she believed to be “family”.

Thankfully, stories that made the “Grubers” weren’t all that sticky. Not for me anyway. I felt no longing when away from siblings. I thought little about my brothers. Instead, I felt most connected to All That Is, the real essence from which I spring, from which we all spring.

But I get others choose families as entry points with very strong stories. Such stories make it exceedingly difficult when those stories drive family members to ostracize or disown some of their own because of who or what they are. Where is the love in such families? Where’s the unconditional love spoken of so highly?

Family pressures borne of bogus stories

And yet I understand how some transgender women struggle with stories they’ve taken on. Stories which have them believe they need their families.

I get why many trans-attracted men fear so intensely reactions their fathers and mothers might have were the men to declare, proud and out loud, this aspect of themselves. Stories we receive from parents can powerfully shape our own stories. Stories about ourselves. And, yes, stories which force a choice between being authentically who we are, or, being part of the family. “Being part of the family” meaning: living up to expectations parents and families have for us.

Leaving behind family is often the best thing a person can do. Especially if one wants to live authentically. (Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash)

Such stories propel people on wayward paths, often away from their authenticity. People build entire careers based on those stories. They get married because of these stories, when it would have been better not to. They have children.

Some even commit suicide. Internal pressures from stories adopted from families can be that powerful. And cause that much suffering.

So stories, expectations and such often lie at the heart of people’s decisions. So subtle they are, those making such decisions don’t know adopted stories are deciding for them. Thankfully there is always time to course-correct.

Many of my clients come tangled in the web of bogus stories driving their actions. Often they originate in family dynamics. It’s not that such stories aren’t true. Any story or belief will draw sufficient evidence to cause it to become “true”.

It’s just that such stories often don’t align with purposes inherent in my clients’ knowing. So they come to me seeking realignment. They don’t know this until joy that’s been elusive returns. From there they discover courage to be who they really are.

Liberation frees one to love

If only people knew how many human families they’ve had throughout the many lifetimes they’ve experienced. If they only realized the loving and eternal bonds they share with their Broader Perspective, beings who are, even now, looking on them and blessing them with a love more powerful and enduring than any a human can give. Even a parent.

If they knew these things they would more powerfully choose being who they know themselves to be. Instead of kowtowing to the idea of what they should be according to their parents, according to their family, and then suffering through all that.

There’s nothing like the liberation borne of being authentic. Often that liberation comes at a cost: liberating oneself from one’s family. I’ve known this all along. I know my experience is rare, me having done this at a very early age. But I believe it was meant this way so I could offer liberation to those who need a hand up, out of the fear familial stories sometimes trigger.

I know the powerful, overwhelming love of my Broader Perspective, my Whole Self and my cadre. It’s from there I offer all I do in my blogs. I do so expecting it makes a difference, with my clients, specifically, but also with the entire human civilization.

I see those results happening, and so I’m grateful. And I know my parents’ Broader Perspectives agree with my path.

But their agreement isn’t a prerequisite to my satisfaction. My satisfaction stems from my authenticity expressed, and the love I feel in return from those who support me in my real home: the nonphysical realm. Where all things begin, end and begin again.

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The Post-Op Dilemma

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

This post is not easy to write. I know many transgender women will dislike what’s written here. Even though some of what’s here comes directly from a transgender woman. So, reader, if you’re easily triggered, please skip this story. If you’re not, and you’re post-op and struggling to find a man, this story can help.

A lot of transgender women complain about men expressing their natural attraction to them. Yes, many of those men speak from their initial self-discovery. They’re just finding out about their trans attraction. So, like an adolescent, they communicate in hyper-sexualized ways. They behave like adolescents too.

Further, many of these guys’ interests often focus on pre-op transgender women. Now, that means nothing about a post-op woman’s ability to find a male partner. Plenty of men exist out there who will accept post-op transgender women. But such women must believe they exist. Otherwise, they can’t find the man who will love them. Even though such men exist.

Beliefs create reality

Everyone’s experience springs from one’s inner state. Our subjective worlds spring from and reflect our inner consciousness. Beliefs, conclusions, complaints…whatever word we call it…that inner reality gets reflected in our outer reality.

That’s why we at The Transamorous Network call the inner content of one’s consciousness “stories”. Changing one’s stories will eventually create reality matching the change. So when transgender women tell stories about trans-attracted men fixating on “female bodies with penises”, they create a reality consistent with that. One where they can’t find men who aren’t so-fixated.

Then, the women will double down on their beliefs. Their beliefs get proven “true”. Then they can’t see evidence to the contrary. Like this girl:

She’s doubling down on disempowering beliefs creating her reality. No wonder she can’t find any men who aren’t driven by porn to focus on penises.

Beliefs and their respective reality become so true, such women will challenge everyone to “prove them wrong”. But when someone does, they won’t accept it.

And this is where the dilemma of being post-op arises.

They’re not the same

No transgender woman’s happiness need depend on a man. Nor need it depend on any kind of partner. Not even a pet! Happiness also doesn’t require changing one’s body.

But many transgender women do change their bodies in ways that ease dysphoria such women feel. That’s a good thing. It’s great that medical technology exists to help with that. I support women who go “post-op”. But many of these women face the “post-op dilemma” when it comes to finding a male partner.

Usually such women want society to acknowledge them as women. I support their desire. Yet, such women aren’t willing to fully accept consequences which come with that desire. This is the “post-op dilemma”. For in getting what they want, they become, in the eyes of men, an option alongside cis-women. But only for men willing to consider that option.

The dilemma is, most men won’t. They won’t for many reasons, some justifiable, some not. Men who know a trans woman is post op, will always compare the woman to cis-women. Cis-women with naturally-occurring vaginas. In my opinion, a naturally-occurring vagina will always outperform a non-naturally-occurring one. I know this because I’ve experienced sex with a post-op transgender woman. But don’t take my word for it, check out this transgender woman’s perspective:

A transgender woman and her male partner both expressing their views on being post-op. They guy, btw, doesn’t fixate on her genitalia. He doesn’t care what’s down there.

I’m not saying trans women shouldn’t go post op. If that’s what y’all want, go for it, girls. But they should check their stories as they do! If they think men won’t want them because they don’t have a penis, they’re setting themselves up for trouble!

Get your head of your crotch!

There are a LOT of reasons why men are trans attracted. Sexual exoticism is an early aspect of trans-attraction. It will always fade though as a man understands his attraction. As they move into transamory, they lose that fixation. So if post-op women really want men, then they must first take their attention off of their crotches!

Here they are, complaining about men focusing on what they have or don’t have down there. Meanwhile, THE WOMEN ARE AS FIXATED ON IT AS THE MEN! In other words, the women are a match to men focusing on their crotch. Is it any wonder those are the only men they meet?

Getting out of the post-op dilemma is easy. It starts with stop paying attention so much to one’s crotch. Instead accentuate positive aspects of what such women bring to the table. Those aspects can overcome the functional disadvantage of one’s non-naturally-occuring vagina. And when post-op women stop focusing on their crotch so much, they’ll become a match to men who similarly aren’t bunged up about what’s between the women’s legs.

Again, transgender women’s focus on their crotches makes them a match to men equally focused there. I understand that may be a big part of their dysphoria. But again, dysphoria is a condition perpetuated by stories. Just like every life condition.

Do what you must to ease your dysphoria. Just don’t stay bunged up on what you’re doing.

What else you can do

Besides, realize the vast majority of time spent with a partner happens outside the bedroom. Post-op transgender women can do a lot to discover men who’ll want them by focusing on other areas.

Like what?

How about developing one’s intellect, compassion, transparency and vulnerability? They can cultivate interests worth sharing with a partner. How about becoming a brilliant partner! That’s what I encourage clients do. In other words, become a great match to that great man you want! A man who is focused on things he’s interested in. Things having nothing to do with your crotch.

While they’re at it, how about developing a better appreciation of trans-attracted men? That way such women can understand where they’re coming from instead of hating them. Then they can help them overcome their myopic focus, rather than being triggered by it.

Doing that will make such women better, brilliant partners. After all, transgender woman have issues. There’s no human who doesn’t. Real partners, not fantasies, help their partners become better. Real partnerships are two-way streets in that regard.

Taking these suggestions to heart will cause a post-op transgender women to become a match to the compassionate, transparent, vulnerable trans-attracted men out there; men who will find them attractive. No matter what’s between their legs.

These men exist! I KNOW because I’ve spoken to many of them! I even know some in relationships with transgender women!

A hyper-focus on the post-op condition makes such men inaccessible though. I say this to post-op transgender women claiming no men want them: Take your head out from between your legs. Make your post-op status a non-issue. Then see what happens.

Need help doing that? I can help.