Tag: Transwomen

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What stories are you telling?

FullSizeRenderYou are a story teller.

Now, I know you probably don’t believe the following, but I’m going to share it anyway. Did you know you can create any experience you want, just by thinking it into your experience? Well you can. And whether you believe that or not, that’s exactly what you’re doing, and, that’s exactly why you’re finding your trans attraction such a struggle.

If you responded to that paragraph above by saying “bullshit, no one can create reality just by thinking” that story creates a reality wherein it is impossible for you to see evidence confirming the truth that you do create your experience. Even though – and get this now – the fact that you can’t see evidence is exactly the evidence proving what you say is impossible!

How cool is that?

It’s really easy to change the story…and see immediate, different and inspiring results. But you have to understand the process by which the change happens. Contrary to literature, art and movies, results that come from your stories don’t happen “magically”, nor do they happen instantly. There’s usually a span of time between the told story and the final result. Especially if you’re trying to change an old, often-told story.

The more stories you tell, the bigger your world becomes. But if you keep telling the same stories, your world just keeps changing….into the same old reality. So if you tell yourself, “The only way I can find a transgender woman to be my girlfriend is to post a posting on Craigslist and hope for the best,” then that’s the experience you’re going to have.

And I know how much drudgery comes from trying to meet a transwoman on Craigslist!

Examining your stories is the best thing you can do to increase your happiness in your trans attraction. That goes for not only finding a woman to be with, but finding happiness and self-acceptance.

There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about being trans attracted! If you think there is, you have a story you’ve accepted from other people that is creating your reality experience. Everyone lives in their own subjective reality. That includes you. You have total authority over that reality, including the people who come in it. Your authority lies in the stories you tell.

Tell new stories and you walk into a new world. With new people and new experiences consistent with your new stories. Tell the same stories and you get more of the same.

Your life reflects your stories. Tell good ones!

 

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There are many trans attractions

There might be as many “trans attractions” as there are transitionary processes transgender people go through.

That could explain why trans attracted men come in so many different “flavors” making it hard to describe “trans attraction” with one definition.

There are trans attracted men who see transgender women as women, for example. These men also date cis-women, seeing no real difference between them and their transgender counterparts. Presumably, guys in this category don’t care what’s “down there”, or they may care a great deal: they may prefer only transgender women who have “gone all the way” surgery-wise.

There are trans attracted men who see women as women and accept (heartily in some cases) that some women have penises. This is not always a fetish, although there can be a period where men fetishize women with penises, just as there are men who fetishize other aspects of womanhood, and women who do the same. These men probably are the most visible as far as transgender women are concerned. They also tend to be the most vilified because they enjoy sexual expression with women with penises in much the same way that some cis women love strapping on a plastic penis and pegging men.

There are trans attracted men who don’t “bottom.” These guys like being sexually aggressive. By aggressive, I mean they express “outward” motivated energies as opposed to “inward” or “receiving” motivated energies. Aggressive isn’t always negative.

There are trans attracted men who love receiving. They enjoy the pleasure of being penetrated, of giving up of themselves, and find joyful self expression in a sense of self-control so total that they can give up themselves to another and find immense satisfaction in that act.

There are trans attracted men who see transgender women as a special kind of woman. “Special” doesn’t mean odd. It is a kind of veneration. They see transgender women as capable, courageous, and powerful, able to transcend typical female archetypes and, as a result, are life-changers for themselves and their partners. William describes his wife Nikki as this kind of person. He swears his wife transformed his life in ways unimaginable.

There are trans attracted men who are activists, focusing their energies on making society more encompassing of all expressions of humanity. They are courageous people who take a lot of abuse from the women they love, fully aware of the tension existing between their love for women and the revulsion those women have for them.

There are trans attracted men who struggle with their reality. They don’t understand their trans attraction, or, do understand it but don’t want to. They are invisible and lurk in the dark, trying to avoid their attraction through alcohol, drugs or compulsive porn consumption or denial. Like the drug-addicted, they occasionally seek temporary desire-gratification through serial one-time flings or encounters with working girls, and through Craigslist hookups.

There are trans attracted men who consider themselves too old. For whatever reason, they suffer alone, fantasizing about their attraction while married, or believing their time has passed.

There are very young trans attracted men who grew up knowing and owning their trans attraction. For them they see this as normal and live their lives as though nothing is different about them or their attraction. They are blessed.

There are married trans attracted men who can’t leave their cis-wives for various reasons. They put duty and expectation ahead of personal happiness and satisfaction. A noble, if painful, choice. These guys may or may not seek similar temporary desire-gratification of the struggler, getting just enough satisfaction to keep the urge at bay so they can go on with their normal life.

In her excellent Medium article, Detransition, Desistance, and Disinformation: A Guide for Understanding Transgender Children Debates, Julia Serano describes how there “are many transsexual trajectories” in “the messy backdrop of trans realities”. The same is true for the trans attracted trajectories. For each man’s path is unique. Each one has to walk his own self-discovery, sometimes leaving collateral damage in his wake, including broken families and broken hearts.

This isn’t a sob story, but an attempt to recognize a misunderstood/mischaracterized component of the trans community narrative. If you’re a guy reading this, you’re being increasingly seen. If you’re a transgender woman reading this, it would do an immense amount of good to sit down with one of these men and have an honest, open non judgmental conversation.

The life you change could be your own.

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“Not all men are chasers”

“What the actual fuck!”

If that’s the reaction you had to this post’s headline, you really need to read this.

For you have a couple of serious stories to unravel. Stories that are twisting your life experience into a knot of Gordian’s proportions.

Despite your protestations, it is absolutely accurate to say not all men are chasers. I get how you might be frustrated by men (or others) trying to defend men who are trans attracted. But there’s really good reasons why they’re doing so.

Here’s how the logic goes:

  1. Not all men are interested in transwomen. That alone destroys the argument that all men are chasers. The majority of men don’t give a fuck about transgender women. They aren’t trans attracted.
  2. Of the men who are trans attracted, some of them don’t give a fuck about you. They aren’t looking for someone who has a problem with men. They have self-empowering stories which leave them impervious to your anger: they see themselves as straight men who love women: and they see transgender women as exactly that, treat them that way, and are happily living lives totally oblivious to your opinions.
  3. Of those who *might* be interested in you, the ones who aren’t chasers you can’t find so long as you tell yourself that all men are chasers. Your story simply won’t let you see evidence that is contrary to the story. How stories work is incredibly simple. And equally powerful.
  4. So when you say all men are chasers, the only men you’re speaking about are the ones you’re meeting as you walk through the reality created by this massive overgeneralization. Meanwhile, there are happily married transgender women who are – SURPRISE! – married to men who aren’t chasers. There are happy transgender women who are having no problem finding men who aren’t chasers. And, there are men who aren’t chasers, who are going about their lives finding transgender women with whom they can have sound relationships. While you, disgruntled person, are fuming about experiences, experiences you yourself are creating.

I can see how this extremely powerful story gets started. Here’s one of an infinite number of paths (your experience may vary):

  1. Transgender person decides to transition.
  2. She feels economically oppressed by the financial magnitude of what it’s going to take.
  3. She is insecure about making these steps, but feels compelled from within to do so.
  4. She’s not trained in how to control her mind or her stories. Heck, she’s never even heard of “stories” in this way.  So when she thinks about these steps, she only thinks about the difficulty, the struggles, how hard it’s going to be and how all of that is going to lead to a very hard and lonely life.
  5. With that story ripe in her uncontrolled mind, she searches the internet. The algorithms, informed by her own conscious awareness, serve up account after account of other transition experiences which confirm her fears: life is going to be hard and lonely.
  6. During her transition, her stories are further confirmed through personal experience. It is hard. It is difficult, it is a struggle. Not because it actually is, but because that’s the story she’s telling herself about the experience. So her personal experience, combined with those other experiences she’s read about, is confirming her initial stories of hardship, difficulty and struggle.
  7. So now she feels lonely, depressed, sad. But she’s also horny, or curious, or desperately wanting companionship. In all these disempowering stories, she is insecure with her transition so she tries to get some validation. Where does she do that? She doesn’t go within, which is where relief is. Instead, she seeks validation in the external world. Maybe she seeks professional help, which is a good start, but you can’t sleep with your counselor, or even go on a date with them, sooooo…..
  8. She chooses some of the worst venues in search of validation, perhaps because they offer some pseudo anonymity: Craigslist, notorious trans dating sites, or dark bars with loud music and lots of alcohol.
  9. Unbeknownst to her, the guys in these places are in exactly the same situation. They are insecure with their transition. They too are out seeking validation/confirmation of their self-suspicions. They are testing/exploring their new stories about their trans attraction. They are on the down low for the exact same reason the transwoman is seeking external validation: they’re fearful, insecure, and seeking external reassurance. They’re trying to figure out this attraction, through exploration. Or they’re further along, but still in denial or insecure about their trans attraction, so they’re seeking temporary relief/self-satisfaction through a (for now) series of one-time flings. In other words, our transgender woman’s stories and these men’s stories are an exact match.
  10. So whether it’s craigslist, the local gay bar, or online on a dating site, our transgender woman’s experience mirrors her stories: she gets dick picks and one-liners on Craigslist; attention, leers and stares from uninformed, seemingly sketchy guys at the gay bar. Should she find someone who is willing to show her affection, and she’s desperate enough to take it, she ends up (the next morning) regretting her decision, feeling empty and, of course alone.
  11. Finally, in an attempt to justify her experience, and seek ego assurance that this can’t be her fault, she blames the men while totally oblivious to her own responsibility, which began with her not knowing that her stories created this outcome.
  12. Pissed and dejected, she confirms her experience with her friends, who, being friends, share many of the same stories and the same unwillingness to control their minds. The collective conclusion then is: it’s about the men. They are all chasers.
  13. Meanwhile, as I wrote above, there are many, many men, merrily going about their lives, loving, respectfully dating and yes, even marrying transgender women.

What the actual fuck?

Indeed.

 

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You asked for it, you’re getting it

Where are all the men at?

Where are the men who will treat me right? Who will treat me like the woman I feel I am; who will respect me for who I am, not just what I am?

Transgender women have been asking this for a long time. Increasingly, they’re getting what they asked for.

The men are not only coming, they are here. But you may not be preparing your life to welcome them. If you’re a transwoman and you’re having a hard time finding the guy of your dreams, you better not be blaming your troubles on the lack of men. There are plenty of men as our shows are demonstrating.

So you better be blaming yourself. Here’s why.

Imagine there’s this ideal guy out there. He has everything you want in a man. Most important, he’s looking for you! He’s really wanting to be that guy you dream about. Yet he has desires in a partner too. You two may be a match on paper. Are you a match in reality? If you haven’t met him in person, then you aren’t. How can I be so confident of saying that? Because everything you want is yours so long as you create your life in such a way to receive what you’re wanting.

Are you working hard to find a guy? Are you frustrated with the effort you’re making? Are you disappointed with the guys you’re meeting? Do you complain to your girlfriends about it, your family, your work colleagues about the terrible date you had? Do you go into the next date projecting expectations for how bad that one will be?

If you’re projecting all this negativity, how can you possibly expect your ideal guy to find you through all that? You aren’t a match to the guy you want. As long as you complain, bitterly resist those guys who do show you attention, and make a lot of effort in your every day life, without first getting your stories right, you’re not ever going to meet that guy. Well you might, but it will be after a l-o-n-g period of suffering.

Want a funny, attractive, caring, warm, guy who appreciates you for who you are and isn’t embarrassed to be with you? Then you better bring similar qualities to the table. You have to be equally happy, attractive (inside and out), at peace with yourself and appreciative. If you’re anything other than this, it’s like you’ve got a force field up and your (ideal) guy is not gonna get through that.

You can do something about this. You can have a satisfying, soothing, positive, romantic relationship with the guy you’re wanting. Our Transwoman’s Guide To Finding Your Ideal Partner will help. Don’t have $50? Then keep watching and reading our free content. We’ll help you out.

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How to stop men from murdering transwomen

Most transwomen are murdered by men

Many victims know their killer.

Many killers engaged with their victim in a romantic or sexual context prior to killing them. Their violence stemmed from shame, surprise, embarrassment and fear…

So doesn’t it seem that the best approach to keeping transwomen safe, isn’t whipping up a bunch of fear about men, it’s approaching the men and having them realize finding transgender women attractive is NORMAL?

So when you shame a man who is interested in you as a “chaser”, believe it or not, you’re contributing to the amount of violence perpetrated on people like you.

Apparently, transgender actor and activist Jen Richards agrees. In a post on her Instagram, here’s what she had to say:

Want to stop trans murders?

Stop shaming men who like us, stop calling them gay when they’re not, stop watching dudes play us on screen.

Yes, it’s actually a deeply complicated and nearly intractable set of issues at the dangerous intersection of race, class, homophobia, misogyny, and economics, but the thing that most people can DO, right now, no matter who or where they are, is really that simple: stop shaming the men who like us, stop letting us be portrayed by men.

After years of thinking on this issue, listening to survivors of assault, reading the reports, talking to countless trans women/sex workers, that’s the heart of this. Straight men kill trans women partners because other people, and culture as a whole, says it’s gay, less masculine, to be with us.

So shut it down. Shut down every person or conversation that claims trans women are “really” men, every media depiction with men playing us.

If y’all have other ideas, I’d love to hear them. I’ve seen endless “stop trans murders” posts but no suggestions as to how, or any accountability.

This is our work at The Transamorous Network (the first part).

But we don’t do that by beating men over the head, trying to get them to stop what they would naturally do – the same thing many would do – when their stories trigger such behavior. Instead, we tell men how they can have everything they want. Then we show them how. It just so happens the “how” also has them change their stories about themselves and about transwomen. Which can over time lead to fewer violent acts.

Does our method work? We don’t have hard, scientific evidence, yet. But anecdotal evidence is mounting. And that’s all we need to stay encouraged.