When Tamar signed up for her first 1:1 spiritual mentoring session almost two years ago, she was living in a tent in the backyard of a house she owned in Australia. Back then, Tamar had a dream, she said, of one day circumnavigating the Australian continent by sea…
I got this direct message (above) from her last week. Here’s Tamar’s story, in her own words:
“I used to live in a tent in the back yard of the house I owned. Now, I have found my joy like never before…and I’m free.
…I knew I was different at an early age. Gentle, caring, and quite frankly horrified at the expectations that were thrust upon me. I had no concept of being transgender back then. I tried to prove my masculinity, to others and myself, by working extremely “manly” jobs. Those jobs took their toll on my body. Finally owning my transgender identity took its toll on my marriage.
While I raised my four kids successfully, under a roof I paid for, before my transition, I was living estranged from my family and wife in a tent in the backyard of the house I spent all my working life affording.
Needless to say that fact left me bitter, resentful and unhappy.
The jobs I worked left me on disability. I used to think being transgender was a handful in and of itself. But in addition to that, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and an anxiety disorder.
I would literally have panic attacks when around crowds. Even the thought of being around strangers left me feeling exposed, anxious, fearful and alone. That’s to say nothing about finding a romantic male partner. For me, romance was not even on the table.
Then I encountered Positively Focused [our sister site]**. All along I knew myself to be a divine character, but my life experience and the stories I created were making a life that matched that seem like a pipe dream: how could I live who I knew myself to be when I faced so many obstacles?
So when I found Positively Focused, I was in an extremely negative space. And not just emotionally.
After just six Positively Focused sessions, I created an entirely new reality for myself. I’m now living in a nice apartment that came to me…seemingly miraculously.
I have more money, my privacy and I’m far, far from that living situation I dreaded every moment I was there.
But more importantly is how I feel. I’m in the best condition I’ve been in. Ever. Looking back at that first session, I don’t even recognize myself!
A new life has begun. A freer one. All my dreams I put on hold are in sight.
It’s great to be out of that tent. After I have settled in, and rested a while, I’ll be ready to find a friend.
It’s strange. Not long ago, I had given up on getting away from that old living situation. I had started shopping online for hiking gear, spending my money. I had come to the conclusion that if I was going to live in a tent anyway, the peace of the woods was better than where I was. I was getting ready to be homeless.
But then I received a call from a person I spoke to a couple of weeks ago. They gave me the unit I had asked for. I found it odd, that within hours of “letting go”, I was given what I wanted/needed.
Intriguing, and exciting also, perhaps.
Needless to say, I’ve benefitted tremendously from my Positively Focused experience. I realize my case may be extreme. But if Positively Focused can turn my life around, it can certainly do wonders for yours.”
Tamar wrote that in 2018. As I’ve said, as momentum increases, life gets better and better. For Tamar, that means living dreams once put on hold.
“Realists” criticize people who have their head in the clouds, who see the glass as overflowing. Pollyanna gets a bad wrap from people who think they’re being real, when they’re actually being pessimistic.
Meanwhile those who are Pollyanna – who see the world Positively Focused – are getting lives they love.
**Positively Focused is our sister site offering the same approach to life we do here at The Transamorous Network. To find out more about Positively Focused, click here. You get access to the same content by going through The Transamorous Network’s matchmaking service.
Things happening in my life is how I know my stories make my life better and better. Coming on the heels of the previous story, the following true story is further proof. Further proof how The Transamorous Network approach literally makes things happen with me barely lifting a finger.
In that previous post I wrote about seeing a transgender woman a second time, with no effort on my part. I used this to show you why we guarantee our approach works. You can easily meet your match. No matter your criteria. No matter the circumstances.
That’s what’s happening in my life. It can happen in yours too.
This next experience happened just two weeks ago. It shows how the Universe answers every desire. The path it creates though is never direct. It curves all over the place.
That’s because we’re always adding more to what we want. And every thing added is being organized by us to be realized by us. That’s why I know I already have everything I want. Even though it looks like I don’t right now.
But “right now” is the past. It’s not the present. The minute “right now” happens, it’s old news.
So it looks like I don’t have these things “right now” because “right now” has manifestED. The NOW is a manifestING PROCESS. It’s always manifestING. In the manifestING NOW, I have all I want. It only takes a while for it to become manifestED.
So it takes longer to manifest things in physical reality. In nonphysical, in that manifestING place, things happen immediately. And what is manifestING MUST eventually become manifestED. That’s just how life works.
So I know it’s only a matter of time before everything I want becomes my physical reality. How do I know it’s happening? Experiences like the one you’re about to read.
My Bridging Job offers surprising opportunities (Illustration: the author)
Incredible Outcomes Indicate More Incredible Outcomes Are On The Way
Before I share what happened, here’s some context. What happened was cool. But if you don’t have the context, you won’t understand it.
I now have a bridging job. I call it that because it bridges stories I’ve told a long time with stories I’m replacing them with. To explain…
I have believed, like a lot of people – nearly everyone actually – that money shows up in my bank account when I do something to “earn it”.
That’s not the only way money can show up though. There are infinite ways money can show up in my bank account.
For example, there are people who inherit money. There are people who win lotteries. There are people who steal money and get away with that. There are people who find money. There are people other people give money to for no apparent reason. There are people who’s money comes from interest and investing.
So there are a lot of people experiencing money flowing into their bank accounts. And that flow is not tied to what they do.
My stories about money match stories the majority of us tell. Like others, I’ve told this story so long, it has a lot of momentum. Creating and living a reality matching a new story is possible.
But not right away. That’s because my old stories have a lot of momentum. I know because I’ve tried over the last four years to live differently. That didn’t work. My old story momentum is too strong.
So I’ve taken this bridging job so I’ll stop adding more resistance/power to my old story, which is what I was doing by trying to live a different story into my reality.
My bridging job is helping ease my old stories.
Like our clients, I’m always learning. And always will be learning.
This bridging job came in a way consistent with creating my reality. That’s another story too. One I will write about. Suffice it to say I didn’t have to do anything to get the job. It literally came to me. And, my Inner Being has told me over and over that this job is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Meeting that transgender woman I wrote about last time, and the way it happened confirms this. So does what happened two weeks ago. So much good stuff is happening relative to this job, that I know this job is on the path to all I want.
Ok. That’s the context.
· · ·
So here I am, at my bridging job. I’m preparing to go on a route when another guy asks to ride with me. He does the same job I do. Sometimes our dispatcher pairs people.
So this guy, I’ll call him “Guy”, and I pair up. We prep my van. Then we head out.
Turns out Guy believes in the power of stories. He also coaches others on using clinical techniques to change people’s lives. I didn’t know this about him. But that was a nice surprise.
We spend the day connecting over this and other things we have in common. We both enjoy the work we’re doing. We both enjoy practicing positivity. We both enjoy napping in parks. ☺️ We both have other things going on. Things larger than this job we enjoy. We both know life is an adventure. We both have strong spiritual practices.
Midway through the work day, Guy tells me he’s enjoying working with me. The feeling is mutual.
Guy asks me about what I do when I’m not at work. I tell him about Copiosis and Positively Focused.
Then I tell him about The Transamorous Network. As I’m talking his eyes light up. He’s rapt while I’m telling about it.
When I finish, Guy says “Perry, I’m a trans guy.”
Now I knew this about him. But didn’t want to say anything. Was I surprised? Yes.
And no.
Think about this. I’m telling more and more stories about affiliating with the trans community, about wanting a person who is a match to my desires. And here I’ve spent my entire day with a transgender person! On my job! The job my Inner Being said was perfect for me!
Not only did we spend the day together, we share many things we mutually believe in.
This doesn’t mean Guy is one of my matches. He’s not someone I’m gonna date. I want a transgender WOMAN after all. But he represents my unfolding pathto the person I want.
I know life is not a straight line to my fulfilled desire. It’s a roundabout adventure!
Artwork by the author
I know I’m not supposed to get everything I want all at once. That would be overwhelming. Imagine if all the transgender women I would meet in this life showed up right now!
That wouldn’t be fun at all, really.
It’s much more fun watching as my personal trinity puts together events like this all-day get-together, in ways I couldn’t organize myself. I know it’s all happening — Sarah from two weeks ago, “Guy” from this week, the other transgender woman I chatted with on the bus the other day, but didn’t write about, the media interviews I’m doing more of lately, and whatever else might come next. It’s all for the sheer enjoyment of the unfolding. Not for the end result!
Artwork by the author
So Guy isn’t the one. I mean he is a match in the sense he matches many of my stories. That’s great news. It’s great news because if Guy is this close of a match, imagine what my actual transgender woman match will be!
Guy is a signpost along the way to her. Guy showing up in my life is like the Universe saying “here’s evidence you’re on the right track. Congrats. Keep up the good work!”
Just as Jeannette was in the last post. Just as was the trans woman I chatted with briefly on the bus the other day. It’s all evidence my stories are changing.
And here’s the stupendous news: I know if one story’s evidence shows up, that means, allmy new stories are in play too. Everything happens simultaneously.
So I know my story about money flowing into my bank account without me having to do anything to have that happen is becoming real. I know it’s becoming real because this story about my transgender lover is unfolding in tangible, satisfying ways.
This is how it works folks!
Let me be more clear: Meeting Guy, spending all day with him, enjoying the connection and having so much in common with him tells me I’m headed in the right direction. A direction where I’ll spend all day with, enjoy the connection with, and have so much in common with her. The transgender woman who matches me as much and more as Guy does.
And, all that will coincide with an event, where my bank account fills with money.
On the way to all that, I’m having fun enjoying my right now.
· · ·
There’s more to the story of course.
Guy then asks if The Transamorous Network would ever expand its work to help trans people become more comfortable in their skin.
The short answer is: yes.
The longer answer is of course. Until a person is comfortable in their skin, i.e. telling stories of self acceptance, self love and worthiness, they can’t meet their ideal partner.
If I want a person who is confident; someone happy in themselves; a strong and capable person, a happy person, that person can only be mine if I feel that way about me.
I have to be a match to that. That’s the only way I can have that.
Of course that is what The Transamorous Network helps people with. We help others learn how to do what I’m doing.
Guy asked me for my contact information. He said he wanted it for when he meets transgender women. He asked whether I prefer non-op, pre-op or post-Op women. I think he’s thinking about matching me with someone. Why else would he ask such questions?
I know one of the ways the Universe brings my match into my life will be through people I already know. Since Guy shares many of the same things I believe in, and since he sees and knows a lot of transgender people, there’s a good chance something may come of this.
But that’s not why I’m happy about having met Guy. Guy is a cool person. It’s fun to think about him being a friend. It’s cool to have him as a co worker. It’s cool working with him.
And, he’s an exceptional indicator that my stories, my new stories, are shaping for me a new reality. One in which everything I want is.
Seems something significant is happening every week now. I like that pace. And I know it’s going to get better and better. The evidence is how I know.
We know there are only two things that are important in life. One: realizing reality springs from stories we tell about it. The other is: we are special. And so are you! Our second season drops starting this weekend. Catch us on our Facebook page, YouTube and your favorite podcast platform.
We know there are only two things that are important in life. One: realizing reality springs from stories we tell about it. The other is: we are special. And so are you! Our second season drops starting this weekend. Catch us on our Facebook page, YouTube and your favorite podcast platform.
Transgender people are everywhere. Even in some of the smallest towns, the most conservative towns, you’ll find transgender people. No matter where you live, transgender or trans attracted, if you’re wanting to find love, it’s out there.
Yet, many such places have few services through which transgender and trans attracted people can get help navigating their identities. Sometimes, such towns can be hostile. So trans and trans attracted people may be under the radar. It might look like they’re not around. But they are.
Think You’re Alone? Think Again.
Centralia, Washington is just such town. Located thirty minutes south of Olympia Washington, Centralia is known for its unusual history being the only town in the United States founded by a black man and son to former slaves. Incredibly, his name? George Washington. True story.
Centralia Founder George Washington.
Centralia is also known for its conservatism. Like many rural American communities, it leans republican. Centralia sits in “the most conservative county in Washington” according to Zoe Oliver, a Centralia resident and LGBTQIA activist.
But Centralia is quickly gaining a name for itself as a booming LGBTQIA center in its County, thanks to a handful of organizations and individuals like Oliver.
One such organization is Centralia College. Very open and accepting of people of all kinds, Centralia College is home to the Gender and Sexuality Alliance (GSA). GSA is the longest running LGBTQIA organization in Lewis County. It advocates for broader awareness and acceptance of equality and LGBTQIA education, among other things.
Oliver attends school at the college. She also is vice president of GSA. In January, Oliver, representing the College’s Student Activities Team (SAT) asked us to have a table at their Sexual Health And Awareness Fair held in March. The ask is the first time The Transamorous Network has been invited to attend a live event.
Centralia College (Transamorous Network photo)
At first we thought to decline Oliver’s invite. It isn’t typically what we do. Knowing what we know about how life works, however, we speculated SAT’s invite represented more opportunity than downside.
We were right.
A Growing LGBTQ Community Likes Our Message
Several organizations, Pierce County AIDS Foundation (PCAF), Mpowerment, Washington, Planned Parenthood and others also staffed tables. While organizers acknowledged student attendance was lower than expected, we met important allies in our work.
Of the people who did attend, we met early-stage transitioning women and men, parents of transgender children, educators who advocate for LGBTQ equality, and allies.
Remy sitting at our set up booth. This was the first time we’ve been invited to a public event. (Transamorous Network photo)
Everyone hearing our message that “your stories create your reality” had the same response. “It makes sense” they said. Your stories create your reality, including your behaviors, relationships (or lack thereof), your entire life. They even decide who you meet, when you meet them and how.
Your stories also shape your relationship with sexual health, how you choose sexual partners, who you choose, and how you practice sex.
Our wares we offered during the event. We raffled off two copies of our guides in addition to talking with people about their stories. We were not surprised how many people agreed with our knowing that stories create your reality. (Transamorous Network photo)
We like to say sexual health is more than a condom or dental dam. It starts in the head (with your stories), not between your legs.
That’s the message we brought to the event. It was a unique message well received.
Our Message Is Getting Larger Audiences
We’re excited about what the future holds having made acquaintances in Centralia. We’re not spilling the beans, but it sounds like interesting opportunities may spring from within not only that community, but from others nearby.
Who knows? Maybe we’ll be invited to more such events. We’re always open to following leads our intuition sends us.
Us talking with students and faculty at the Centralia College Sexual Health Education Fair. We met a number of organizations we may work with in the future. (Transamorous Network Photo)
Another thing I got from being there was confirmation of what I already knew: transgender people are everywhere.
Even in the most conservative small towns, you’ll find transgender people looking for love, belonging and needing resources to navigate their lives.
And you can bet if there are transgender people, there are people who love transgender people living there too. So no matter where you live, opportunities for love for trans attracted people are available.
Want to find them? You’re going to have a hard time doing so if you believe they aren’t there. Learn to tell the right stories though and you’ll meet them as easily as putting one foot in front of the other.
Check out this short film we made about our participation at the fair. If you’re new to our material, we overview our approach in this radio interview.
I love transgender women. Because I am out and proud about this, I get emails and calls from all kinds of people (men, women, transgender women, trans men) asking all kinds of questions about their transamory.
Men have the most trouble finding reconciliation. They find transgender women beautiful, worthy of love and, frankly, irresistible. Even while realizing dating transgender women sometimes comes with extraordinary drama levels. Despite that, many of these men aren’t struggling with that. What’s difficult is reconciling their attraction with being a “normal” man.
I’m writing this story –– my story –– for those men. The following is universal. Yet it is uniquely helpful for men right now. I mean “normal” men.
I write “right now” because men face intense (self-inflicted) scrutiny. Scrutiny well deserved. This January, the American Psychological Association (APA), said traditional masculinity is sociologically harmful. “[It] stunts male’s “psychological development, constrain[s] their behavior, result[s] in gender role strain and gender role conflict and negatively influence[s] mental health and physical health”, they said.Traditional masculinity is what I call normal men.
Feminism suggests the APA’s findings originate in male awe, envy and ignorance. Feminists call this Womb Envy. That’s a term coined by German psychoanalyst Karen Horney. Normal men find awe in what they instinctively know: Every human enters life through a womb connected to a vagina. At least for now. Forgetting their part in life-creation, normal men feel insecure and envious. Their envy becomes all-consuming. Willful ignorance replaces envy, allowing the subordination of women. Normal men gain superiority this way.
The result: Masculine wholeness –– which recognizes the female in the male –– gets lost.
This is what I’m seeing in the Gillette controversy. Men’s life experience is reflecting back to them their out-of-balance-ness. Like children, some men are reacting first, to Gillette’s spot-on ad, then thinking. Or not thinking at all.
What does this have to do with loving transgender women?
A lot.
It is this acting out first then thinking, or not thinking at all, that gets a lot of men in trouble. It also gets many transgender women killed. All, believe it or not, for the sake of love.
· · ·
I realized I was transamorous in my 30s. Before that, I saw “masculinity” and “femininity” as two parts of a whole being. Sometimes I felt more feminine than masculine back then. Even though I was having sex with girls.
Sometimes I would sneak into my mom’s closet. It was an endless sea of femininity. There, I would dress in my mom’s clothes. I used her lipstick and pranced before her full length mirror, with its ornate wooden frame and chipped paint. Her lingerie particularly intrigued me.
Often these sessions would end with masturbation.
That’s how I got busted.
Mom when I was young (Photo: Gruber Family)
One day my mom called me to her room. How did she know it was me and not one of my brothers? Let’s just say it was mothers’ intuition. Otherwise I don’t know. In any case, my mom’s love trumped anything else in our little chat. She didn’t want me playing in her clothes, she said. But it was ok that I was exploring.
That could have gone a lot worse.
This was before “transgender” was a thing. I mean, it was a thing. Transgender people have always been around. But it wasn’t in the public eye as it is today with high-profile transgender models, actresses, politicians, Julia Serranos, Stef Sanjati’s.
Even it if was, I was too young to know what “transgender” was. Thinking about that time, and times today, I can imagine how it feels to be transgender. Not knowing you are transgender. Then discover the word “transgender” for the first time.
It must come with profound relief to know you’re not alone.
The same is true for men attracted to transgender women. They think they’re alone. But they are not.
When I discovered my transamory, “transamory” wasn’t a thing either. I didn’t know, for example Lou Reed had a long term relationship with a transgender woman. But I sure loved his song.
Nor did David Bowie’s gender-bending persona catch my eye.
So when I fell in love with the first transgender woman I ever saw, in a Yakuza bar in Osaka, Japan, I was blown away. Blown away by her beauty. Blown away by the circumstances. And blown away for how deep and instantaneous my attraction was.
I was in the Marines at the time. My girlfriend, who would become one of my few fiancés to never cross the threshold, took me to see her home town. She thought I’d get a kick visiting a Yakuza bar. I don’t think she knew how profound that kick would be. It kicked off what would culminate in everything I am today. That and how I tell my transamory story with recovering “normal” transamorous men looking for solace.
My ex-wife used to call me her “gay boy”. It’s true, my feminine side is well-developed. I don’t cross dress or anything like that. I do enjoy reveling in that part of me that is soft, kind, receptive and open. And yet, I do present male, although I consider myself gender neutral. I recognize the female in me as much as I do the male.
And here’s where love comes into the picture. And by that I’m referring to self-love.
Photo: Bima Mentara on Unsplash
Many of my fellow Marines weren’t as appreciative of my nature as my ex-wife was. Or my mom. It wasn’t constant, but Marines can be callous towards someone not embracing the macho, natural-born-killer persona believed to enshroud what it is to be a Marine. Of course, the occasional taunts ended once I became a Sergeant of Marines. Yet, the juxtaposition between my feminine side and my masculine side represented a crossroads back then. The path I took was embracing both. Choosing to be me, I said to hell with everyone else. After all, if I could take shit from Marines, I could take shit from anybody.
Me as a Marine circa 1982. (Photo: USMC)
In other words, I chose loving myself for all that I am. I chose that over caring what other people think about what I am. An aspect of what I am is a man who loves transgender women.
As I love myself, I love the blend that is the transgender female form. I love the struggle transgender women must go through. I love their strength. I love that they are sometimes reviled not only by men, women and society, but also by their parents sometimes. I love them because I know all these challenges make them who they are.
As my challenges made me who I am.
Today, I am no longer married to the woman who was my wife. Ours was a marriage of convenience. By that I mean, there was no better relationship for us than the one we had, which called us to become more of that which we each are are: more clear about what we want and more clear about our authenticity.
· · ·
I met my wife online. I hadn’t been successful dating transgender women. I had relationships, but the early ones reflected my own trans-attraction insecurities. My insecurity showed up in meeting transgender women who also were insecure. Insecurity is no foundation for healthy coupledom. It didn’t help that I dated in secret. In between cis-gender lovers.
Maybe that sounds familiar.
My wife and I New Years 2012 (Photo by Kyle Layser)
Insecurity transamorous men feel initially shows up in many ways. One is fear of being seen in public with the woman they find attractive. It’s an early “trans-attraction” stage of transamory. It sounds dumb, but it’s real. And it’s a step older transamorous men go through more than younger ones these days. Some younger generation transamorous men reflect their generation. Their generation accepts gender fluidity, so they do too. So they don’t experience as much insecurity.
Pro-tip non-sequitur for transgender women: Ridiculing and shaming men for being in this stage prolongs it. Want men to be proud to be with you in public? Stop shaming them.
When I met my wife, I was not intending to marry. I was open to a non-traditional relationship. Anyone I found attractive and compatible would do. Yet I entertained preference for a transgender partner. I knew, however, my insecurity wasn’t going to match me with a transgender partner of my dreams.
Today, many of my clients are having to unpack decades of being married to cis-gender women, when they knew they were trans-attracted before they got married, but didn’t own their authenticity. In some ways, I was no exception.
My wife was determined to break her streak of meeting men who were not good for her. Like me, she realized she was her problem. Not the men she dated. So we were a perfect match.
Relationships are always like that. Perfect matches.
Our marriage was a training ground. In it we were helping prepare one another for partners we eventually will have. It was our agreement.
If you’re trans-attracted or transamorous, married or not, you can’t love the object of your affection until you first love yourself. Especially if you’re married. A lot of transamorous men are married to cis-gender women. There is nothing wrong in that.
Still, if you are married, your wife knows on some level that you are different. I assure you fights between you two have a lot to do with insecurity born of that awareness.
Hardness creates more struggle. So does insecurity. Extreme cases result in death. Almost half the murders of transgender women in 2017 happen in the context of intimate relationships gone awry, according to research I’ve done online. Seems to me the sooner you embrace who you are, the better you and everyone else will be. You’ll be one less transamorous man hiding in their shame. That can prevent a murder.
It’s time more transamorous men embrace all of who they are. (Photo: Ozan Safak on Unsplash)
Men loving transgender women is normal.
Love between humans is the norm. So it is normal that a human would express love for another human. Both men and transgender women are human. So love between them is as normal as any other love.
But I would argue there is no such thing as a “normal” man.
There are all kinds of men. The Gillette controversy shows that. If you’re trying to be a normal man and think that’s ok, you’re not expressing your authenticity. You’re expressing insecurity. Your “abnormality” is the norm. Your “perversity” is the norm. Your “sin” is the norm. Abnormality, perversity and sin are words reflecting societal judgment.
Fuck that.
Your individuality is the norm. That means there’s no such thing as a normal or traditional man.
Transgender people are here to help all humanity to come to grips with the fact that to be human is to be different. There are a lot of normal men out there confronting their normalcy in light of their transamory. Some respond violently, with tragic consequences for both victim and perpetrator. Others call me, or send an email.
If you find transgender women attractive, you’re in good company. All men will find the attractive ones attractive. Until they discover that attractive woman is transgender. But that doesn’t negate their initial attraction. It only masks the attraction with shame expressed as revulsion. You’re still attracted to her.
If you find transgender women worth loving, but struggle with it, that’s ok. You don’t have to figure it all out now. You will in time. My experience is, the journey is worth it. For you, for your relationships and for the human race as a whole.
The journey is sweeter, though, after you accept what you are.
