As I write this post, I’m thinking back to my past and my own journey on the “Chaser-to-Transamorous” path. It’s been quite a few years. I’ve written nearly 500 posts about trans-attraction and transamory. I’ve shared my journey of self-discovery and acceptance while offering advice, initially for trans-attracted men. But I gradually shifted that focus to trans women.
As I wrote in a recent post, many trans women and trans-attracted men expressed appreciation for what I’ve shared here over the years. As my own self-discovery included a path into deeper, esoteric spirituality, that knowledge found its way into The Transamorous Network content too. This included this blog, our podcast, our YouTube Channel and more. It’s been fun sharing my journey, offering advice to others and receiving positive support from readers.
Of course, I’ve also received messages from haters, mostly bigoted trans women suffering from self loathing, who projected their hate onto me. I appreciate those people too because those people had me focus even more on supporting the community with the material I offered. I knew those women’s comments had much more to say about them than they did my writing, my content or me as a person. And I knew what I offered could actually help them.
Fifteen years…at least
Speaking of me as a person, discovering my transamory alongside my spiritual origins has been an incredible journey. I remember when I first saw a trans woman. It was in the early 80s in Osaka, Japan. My girlfriend at the time thought it would be entertaining to take me to a Yakuza bar where all the “go-go” dancers were trans. Little did she know, or maybe she did know from a spiritual perspective, that introduction sparked a flame in me.
That flame grew into an adventure that, at first, I struggled valiantly to repress. I was in the Marines after all, before the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell mandate. Being queer was a dischargeable offense. Still, my transamory wouldn’t be denied.
It took more than 15 years, I think, to embrace my queerness and my attraction to trans women. During that time I struggled, but always knew myself as the individual I am today. I knew I would make it through someday. And after making it, I decided to start The Transamorous Network to help others make it. Helping others has been rewarding.
And yet all adventures either come to an end, or they change.
Getting to know myself
My adventure taking the form of The Transamorous Network is about to come to an end. This is the last post. I’ll be focusing on my cisgender audiences going forward. Cisgender people comprise the majority of my clients these days. My experience with them shows them more open to moving along the spiritual path I offer. It feels wonderful seeing them resonate with results they produce through my guidance. So focusing on them is where I want to commit my energies. Doing so feels good and nothing matters more than feeling good.
As I close this chapter of my adventure, I’m reflecting on my own journey, one that began, like many men, with the thought that I was gay. Being on the DL all that time didn’t stop me from exploring. That exploration included having encounters with men. I wanted to find out if I was gay, or was there something else going on with me. At that time “trans-attracted” wasn’t a thing. At least I wasn’t aware of such a term.
So while I still dated cis women, I also explored with men and with trans women when the opportunity presented itself. These days, I’ve had enough experience with pretty much every gender to know what I like, what I’m attracted to and why. I approached this with the same zeal I approached getting to know my spiritual nature. That’s why I know myself as transamorous. Not a chaser. Not a fetishizer.
All things change…
What I find interesting as this chapter closes is my sexual practices have changed. To understand how, I want to tell a story of something that happened while I was still exploring.
Decades ago, I had a long-term affair with a guy named Bill. It lasted almost 20 years. He wasn’t at all good looking, but he had a giant dick I loved to suck and get fucked by. We were really good friends and that’s what the relationship emerged from: our friendship. He was a top and not interested at all in being a bottom. Not that I was encouraging that, I really loved his dick (and came to love him over time, romantically, interestingly enough).
Bill was a sex fiend and couldn’t get enough. I knew this about him and just assumed he was careful. I was shocked one evening though when he told me he had contracted HIV… Years later we reconnected after a rather messy end to our relationship triggered by my fear he put me at risk (I’m HIV-). During this reconnection, Bill shared, to my shock and awe, that he was now a bottom!
I’m sharing this because, recently, I’ve been contemplating my anal play and whether it really offers the sensual stimulation I enjoy so much, or is it instead more of a psychological thing….I’m coming to the point that it is way more the latter than the former. Especially after meeting Yuri and enjoying performing the traditional male role with her.
Post-transamorous and the next adventure
So I’m really close at the moment to declaring myself, no longer interested in being strictly a “bottom”. I find this interesting because I never thought that aspect of me would change. Even though I saw it happen with someone I knew very well.
I feel resolute about this change, in the same way Bill felt about his. It’s interesting contemplating how my life seems to be coming full circle. At least as far as my sexuality is concerned.
And perhaps this is the case with many men who find themselves attracted to trans women. Perhaps, at the end of the day, what we trans-attracted men are looking for is self understanding. And we discover that, as many people do: through the mirror inherent in all relationships.
I’ve had many relationships and have used them to chart my own journey to self-discovery, as, I’m sure, my partners did too. Along the way I’ve met some stellar people, both trans-attracted and transgender. This has been a great journey.
And the journey continues. But it no longer will focus on my wanting to convince the trans community that they are empowered, powerful, creative beings creating their reality as they move through life, and thus can enjoy a life where all they want is theirs. They are that, as is everyone else. Yet, it’s time for me to take the next step in my journey. That requires no longer trying to convince people who are not ready to hear this uplifting message.
So with that, I bid the trans community adieu. The next chapter of my adventure awaits. A chapter where I move beyond identifying as transamorous. I just am.
PS –
If you’re still interested in hearing from me, subscribe to my other blog Positively Focused, on WordPress, Medium, Tumblr and my Facebook Page by the same name. Across all these platforms, Positively Focus enjoys more that 15,000 followers.
The Transamorous Network will likely cease to exist within the next few months.
PPS –
One of the first transgender clients I served, has followed this blog pretty much from the beginning. Her response to this post is the perfect capstone. It’s an example, I know, of how many trans women have benefited from my writings. And so, I leave with her well-wishes:
TL;DR: The author argues for the Trans community to find happiness as a way to feeling better about Trump taking office. In this way, they say, trans and trans-attracted people and their allies can create the best future for themselves. Everything else is insanity they suggest.
There is a better way to live. One where Trans Community members, in which I include trans-attracted people and their allies, can live far more happily. In that better way, way more of what we want can be ours too.
But it requires giving up being right. Especially on subjects we feel fear about. Fear is a powerful emotion. I’m going to dive deeper on that and why it’s not a good idea to wallow in fear in this post. Especially fear about Trump.
Trump’s election victory has a lot of trans people fearful about their future. It has many trans allies feeling the same way, including many of my friends. A big reason why they feel this way is because they think they’re right. They think Trump has it in for trans people. They think Trump is going to follow through with his threats.
And he probably will. After all, a lot of momentum backs those actions. Momentum trans people and their allies contribute to through their fear.
And this is why it’s important that we NOT allow ourselves to succumb to our fears. Even if those fears come true.
In this post, I’m going to describe why, how being right is a problem, and how living happily instead serves not only our community, but the world at large.
Here we go!
Some background
This article will be easier to understand if readers have some background on where my perspective comes from. Readers who don’t have this background will get “triggered” by what I’m sharing. If what you’ve read so far triggers you, you should probably stop reading right now.
There’s nothing inaccurate about what’s written here. I know this from my own experience. My experience isn’t my only proof, however. My clients’ experience implementing what I share backs me up too. Those who don’t have life experience proving what I’m sharing is accurate typically experience “belief confrontations” when they read what I write.
A belief confrontation is what happens when a person is “triggered”. They have a belief, usually a strong one. When life gives them evidence not matching that belief, the belief pushes back against that reality. When that happens, usually the person behaves in ways we call “triggered”.
They get angry and lash out. Usually that lashing out looks like name-calling. It can also look like violence. Or it looks like responding in a comment where, in the case of my writings, they express how “wrong” I am. Yes, that’s right. When one has a “belief confrontation” they must be right. They have to be, or else the belief is threatened. So reality, including the other person, becomes wrong.
So as you read this, please remember you have beliefs and your beliefs may even be right. But if you’re triggered because of what you’re reading, then maybe they’re not right. Maybe your beliefs are worth examining and replacing with better-serving beliefs.
Is action better?
A lot of people right now worry about what’s going to happen when Trump takes office. Of course, Trump is not in office yet. So in the now, which is the only place we can exist, nothing has happened worthy of our fear or worry. The Biden Administration is still in office. Things are pretty much going the way they have for the last four years.
So this fear and worry is not about the now, it’s about the future. All fear and worry is always about the future. That’s why fear and worry are problems. Because when we’re fearful and worryful, we’re not using the now to our advantage. Instead, we’re doing the opposite. We’re using the now to our disadvantage.
Another thing we fear or worry about, that we can do nothing about really, is the fate of other people. Our worry and fear about other people is near-worthless. Even from the perspective of the people we’re fearing and worrying for, all our fear and worry does is cause them to fear and worry too. So now everyone is using the now to our mutual disadvantage.
To be clear, when we’re taking action as a response to fear or worry, then usually we’re not feeling fear or worry at that point. So action is a good antidote to fear and worry, because at least we’re doing something. But there’s a catch to such action: if we’re acting while fearing and worrying, then our action gets tainted by that.
I’m sure readers have experienced lack-luster results that come from acting while feeling anything other than confidence and clarity. We often bomb job interviews, miss out on potential dates, or our skill at something doesn’t shine when we act out of fear or worry.
Feeling better is better
This explains why action can often not be the best option when one worries or fears. And I haven’t even talked about the vibrational nature of those emotions and how they create futures we won’t like.
If people understood that fear is a problem and why, they’d probably not fear so much. Instead they’d tell better-feeling stories about what they fear in order to build beliefs that are more empowering than the ones having them feeling fear.
But most people, including trans and trans-attracted people and their allies, would rather be right than feel better. I know this first hand.
A newer client is deathly afraid of what the incoming administration will do to illegal aliens. She tutors a young Latina whose family is living in the country illegally apparently. My client is literally terrified for this young woman.
But what is her terrified feeling doing for the young person? For sure she can feel that strong fear coming from the woman, so she’s probably also terrified. How does that help her?
It doesn’t.
The problem with the future
When I try to get my client to think of better thoughts about the future, she literally cannot. She can’t get beyond thoughts she’s thinking about the future that has her afraid. Every time I try to encourage her, rather than finding better-feeling thought about the future, she has a belief confrontation: she instead attacks the validity of this “you create your reality” business, claiming she can’t believe what she’s learning, even though she’s already produced a number of powerful examples showing it works!
In other words, she wants to be right. She want’s to be right about the fact that Trump will find this young girl and her family and deport them. And she’s angry and miserable about it.
Meanwhile, right now, none of that has happened. The girl is fine. Life is good. The client is mentoring her. All is well.
It’s crazy focusing on some terrible future in a way that has us feel bad. That’s because we only have the now. The future hasn’t happened yet. So we’re feeling bad for nothing, right now, because there’s nothing we can do about some future act we fear.
Well, there is something we can do. We can create a better future. And we can do that right now. But we can’t when we’re using the now to create a worse future, which is what we’re doing when we are in fear or worry.
That’s a problem.
Unconscious insanity
It should be clear that it’s a problem because the future we’ve created from our past fear and worry we’re living in now. Trump won. And he’s had four years of experience informing what he’s going to do next. Between when he first ran and right now, we had the opportunity to create a better, preferred future.
But what did we do? Did we use that time to do that? Nope! We doubled down! We worried, attacked Trump and his allies. Whatever he and his allies did, we paid attention to and railed against it. We watched all kinds of media about it and shared it with our friends while wagging fingers and shaking heads.
In other words, we focused on what we didn’t want. And so now, we’re getting what we focused on and thereby created. I described this in my previous post.
The problem with using the now by filling it with fear and worry is that when we create futures from there, we have to experience those futures we create! So it makes sense to stop fear-ing and worry-ing and instead find better-feeling thoughts. When we do that, we create better-feeling futures.
But we can’t create around or previous creations. In other words, we’ve created the world where Trump is the next president. So now we must live through that. And if we keep worrying and fearing, which is what put him in office in the first place, we’re doubling down and thus getting more of what we don’t want.
That’s not just crazy, it’s insane.
Accepting our unwanted creation
Our happiness is our super power. It enables us to get everything we want. It literally is the power we possess, power we can use to literally create our reality. So let’s look at how we can use that power to create a better future for ourselves as a community.
Before we can do that, we must first accept what we’ve already created. We can’t create around what we’ve already created. Nor do we want to try to create a reality as a reaction to that unwanted outcome we created. That’s how Trump ended up in office in the first place: a lot of progressives, trans people included, tried getting Harris in office by railing against Trump. That doesn’t work!
So instead, we must accept what we’ve done. Then look at a future we want and focus only on that. That can be hard for people in terror about the future. So maybe it’s better to soothe that terror, that fear, by first telling better-feeling stories about what’s coming.
Let’s start there. And let’s use as an example, the child my client is mentoring.
What better feeling stories can we tell about that situation? There are plenty. Let’s take a look at those in a minute.
Getting what we want
First, we must know we’re not doing anything to change the child’s experience. The child, let’s call her Lupe, is a creator just as we are. She’s in charge of creating her reality and she wouldn’t have it any other way. What we are doing is doing something to change our reality. We’re coming up with better-feeling stories or beliefs, so that we can live a future in which we can see everything working out for us.
That requires more explanation.
If you look at life, you’ll see that everything does work out. While it’s working out, it may not look like it’s working out. And it may not look like how we’d prefer it to work out as it’s working out. But it always works out. So it’s important to get that that working out works out, even if it looks like it’s not working out in the way we think it should.
That makes sense because the Universe is having things work out for everyone at the same time. For that to happen, “working out” must look like an extremely winding path, not a straight shot right to what we want. And besides, often, what we think we want, isn’t what we really want.
For example, we might want a relationship. But we haven’t cleaned up our anger, our self-loathing or our belief that we’re not worthy of having a relationship. With all those things in place in us, we’ll get relationships. But those relationships will reflect back to us all those things in us. And so they’ll suck.
It all works out
Those relationships are serving us. They’re showing us what we must clean up to get the relationship we really want. But if we don’t know that, we might fight against those relationships and the men in them. We might call them chasers and fetishizers. We might claim they’re using us, not seeing us for who we are. Like this person who commented on a recent post of mine and simultaneously victimized herself and vilified men she meets, both being actions that are not in her best interest.
When we do that, we’re doubling down on those things in us, instead of aligning with what we want: a relationship. In the meantime, those relationships reflecting those things back to us are giving us what we want: They’re giving us a relationship, and they’re giving us situations reflecting what’s in us so we can clean them up. Do that, and our relationships will get better, until we end up in one that matches our cleaned up inner state.
So the Universe gives us what we want, but only the part of what we want that we’re ready for. It’s not usually going to give us what we want in the way we think it should. That’s usually because we don’t know what’s happening. But it’s also because the Universe has a lot more resources and means at its disposal than we can possibly fathom. It’s through that unfathomable means that the Universe gives all of us what we want simultaneously.
And that’s why Trump is coming into office. We’re getting what we want. We just think we know how that’s supposed to happen and when. Meanwhile, the Universe is doing it in the way it knows gives everyone what they want in the end. It all works out, in other words.
How to feel better through our thoughts
So there’s Lupe. She’s at the dinner table and we’re mentoring her. What better-feeling stories can we make up about her situation? Ones that we’ll feel better when we tell them?
Here are thirteen examples:
There are many million illegal immigrants in the US. The government can’t possibly deport all of them. It would cost too much and take way too much manpower.
Even if the government tries to deport them all, many of them will probably fall through the cracks. They won’t find them all. Maybe they will miss Lupe’s family.
If things get too crazy, the American people won’t stand for it. Look what happened with the “Kids in cages” situation. And that started under a Democratic Administration! Certainly something like that won’t happen for long should it happen again.
Lupe’s young. She’s going to be ok whatever happens.
There are lots of people living happily in the country Lupe’s from. Going back to her home country is not the end of the world.
Lupe’s smart, she’s strong. She’s going to be ok.
Lupe’s with her family here. If she goes back where her family’s from, she’ll be with more family. It will work out.
Things will probably change in the future. Lupe will be able to come back more likely.
Life is long. Things are always changing.
This situation will pass.
Worrying about this is doing nothing for me but making me miserable. I’m going to stop thinking about this and eat some ice cream.
This fear I’m feeling is useless. I can’t do anything about it right now anyway. Trump isn’t even in office yet.
Trump usually has been his own worst enemy. His success doesn’t last. Maybe this will be another example.
This list isn’t all inclusive. Plenty more better-feeling thoughts exist.
Stop being crazy
And the thing about these better-feeling stories is, they don’t have to be true. All they have to do is make us feel even a smidgen better. That’s important for several reasons.
The first is about our life in general. A life lived happily-ever-after is composed of many “happy now” moments. It’s about living happy now. And now. And now…until we’re dead. So when we’re not happy now, we’re not living happily-ever-after.
Second, the now is the only moment we have. Why use that now to feel miserable, especially about something we can’t do right now. Trump is not in office yet.
Three, our power is in the now. By creating better-feeling moods in the now, we align with better-feeling futures. So it’s in our best interest to be happy now.
Four, our positivity is as contagious as our negativity. We don’t help anyone by spreading our negativity all over the place.
Lastly, everything always works out. If that’s true, and it is, why be miserable? It’s all working out anyway, so why not be happy?
The problem, the crazy, insane problem, is, people apparently would rather be right than happy. They’d rather squander their power, which always is in the now, by thinking they know what the future holds, and feeling miserable in the process. That’s crazy and insane.
Especially when the future can be deliberately shaped by every one of us! We’re doing it anyway! It’s just that when we’re miserable and right, we’re shaping a future we’re not going to like.
I say give that up. Stop being crazy. And watch how life gets better. Even with Trump in office.
TL;DR: The author shares a trans-attracted client’s surprising example to show how astonishing life can be, they say, when one realizes thoughts and beliefs create reality and puts that realization into action.
Massive confusion reigns within the minds of trans-attracted men. Such men struggle with beliefs that torment them. They think they’re gay. Some worry about what their friends and family will say if such people knew about their trans-attraction. Others worry about losing things they need. Their job for example.
So when their life gives them no choice but to accept their trans-attraction, many of these men struggle in confusion. It’s like they feel they have nowhere to turn. It’s no wonder so many are on the down-low. Nor is it a wonder that some think about killing themselves.
Just as many trans women do.
It’s the same matter. Trans women struggle with confusion as well. They too turn to society for validation. It’s why many, many trans women hold up cis women as their ideal of what it means to be a woman.
In other words, trans-attracted men and trans women have so much in common, pairings between the two could provide a nurturing, safe space for both parties. Why they don’t provide that space for one another is no surprise either. Both sides blame one another for their experience.
This story is about a trans-attracted man who also is a Transamorous Network client. It’s about how he’s working through his confusion and struggle. It shows how accurate “you create your reality through the stories you tell” is. It also shows how, when a person learns how they create their reality, then uses that knowledge to their advantage, amazing things happen.
Let’s dive in.
Getting unstuck
Like many clients, this guy once struggled with suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts came from disempowering interpretations of his early life experiences. None of those past experiences were bad. Experience never is. Instead, they revealed to him at an early age that he was not “straight”.
There are not a lot of straight people on the planet. But because of fear of being something other than straight, people pigeon-hole themselves into that label. Trans women do the same thing in seeing themselves as women. They compare themselves to the cis ideal, then demean themselves when they don’t measure up.
For this client, his fear of being gay, and his negative interpretation of what happened in those experiences, built negative momentum within him. This client, who I’ll call John, made all those negative interpretations about himself. As a result, he hated himself. In time, those interpretations became beliefs about himself, which is why he wanted to kill himself.
Wanting to kill one’s self is a natural thing. It happens when someone builds up negative momentum born of negative interpretations that eventually become negative beliefs. Those beliefs then create real world experiences proving them “true”. When that happens, those experiences become more and more one’s reality. This process happens on any subject.
When a person finds themselves stuck in extremely strong, negative beliefs, especially about themselves, wanting to end it all often is the best outcome. Especially if the person can’t find a way out of that torment. And many can’t.
Even so, everyone can get unstuck. They came into human form for a reason. That reason didn’t include checking out early, even though some do. John is someone who found his way out.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves…
Projection is common
Like many people stuck in self-hatred, John projected his self-hatred out into the world. Projection happens a lot in humanity. It makes sense if you think about it. Very few people realize where their external reality comes from. They don’t know the external reality they see comes from their inner state of being. It makes sense then that if a person doesn’t know their external reality springs from their inner state – thoughts and beliefs – then rather than doing something about their thoughts and beliefs, they’ll blame their external reality for their troubles.
That often includes blaming other people. That’s what some trans women are doing when they blame “chasers” for their inability to meet a partner. And it’s what some trans-attracted men do when they say they can’t find a wholesome trans woman.
A trans-attracted man blaming his troubles in finding a trans girlfriend on the fact that “so many trans people are “pros” – meaning sex workers. But his problem is his belief that this belief is true.
But people, like everything else in our lives, are reflections too. Versions of people we meet reflect back to us what’s going on in us. So if we think all men are chasers, for example, we only meet those kinds of men. Men, if you think all trans women are pros, that’s what you’re going to find. Yes, it’s that simple.
The target of John’s projection was cis women. He blamed a lot of what he didn’t like on the fact that cis women wouldn’t give him attention. John didn’t realize cis women spurning him was happening because he spurned himself and because he is trans-attracted and would be better off focusing on trans women. So he blamed cis women for rejecting him.
It’s vibration, momentum and attraction…not effort
While projecting his hatred onto cis women, John also wanted cis women. More directly, he wanted sex. But his trans-attraction caused him to meet cis women who were equally as unsure as he was about what he wanted. John’s trans attraction is a part of what and who he is. Just like a trans woman’s trans-ness is a part of who and what she is.
But he’s confused as to what he really wants. He knows he really, really is drawn to trans women. Because he questions his trans attraction, however, he tries to be with cis women as a way of figuring himself out.
That’s a problem.
John also wants sex. And he’s confused about whether he wants sex with cis women, or sex with trans women, even though he experiences mind-blowing sex with trans women. His desire for sex with a cis woman is a further attempt to convince himself that he’s not trans-attracted.
Of course, cis woman aren’t stupid. But more important, they are as sensitive to vibration as any other person. So when John tries to convince himself he’s straight, by trying to get a cis woman to have sex with, they always can feel John’s inner struggle. Every time he tries to woo cis women’s attention, therefore, they, in his words, reject him. This is why John hates cis women.
It’s even more complicated
The women he approaches are also matches to John’s confusion. And, they are mirrors. They reflect all of John’s self-rejection back to him.
Not realizing all this, John started paying (a lot) for “the art of seduction” coaching. A particularly popular offerer of that content caught his attention. Before long, John was thousands of dollars into this approach.
But it never worked for him. Women kept spurning him.
I tell clients many things over and over. So much so I sound like a broken record, I know. But as one client said recently “sometimes it takes time for what you tell us to move from our heads to our hearts.” I totally get that because I was once in my clients’ shoes. So when you read what you’re about to read, I get that it won’t likely sink in at first. Ready? Here it comes:
Taking action doesn’t make ANYTHING happen. Everything happening is a result of vibration, momentum and attraction.
This explains why John’s indulgence in “seduction coaching” wasn’t working. All the action in the world, all the money in the world, can’t overcome the negative momentum of his persistent negative beliefs. Abraham puts it plainly:
Misogyny: projected self hatred
It’s no wonder then, that John’s inability to get what he wanted through “seduction coaching” deepened his self-hatred. It seemed the more he tried, the worse he got rejected. At his wits end, he discovered The Transamorous Network.
It took a while, but, as a client, John discovered several things about himself. One thing he realized was he had turned into a misogynist. He doesn’t like admitting this, but it’s accurate. In fact, I’d argue most misogynists have some self hatred going on. Just as many, many transphobes have self hatred happening inside them, often because such people are themselves either transgender or trans-attracted. So misogynists project their self hatred onto women in the same way transphobes project their self-hatred onto trans people.
But…that’s another story.
One day, John expressed wanting to try to go out with a cis woman as a way of figuring his way through his confusion. This was after a long period of focusing on other priorities through his client work. I suggested he do so as a way of seeing how he was doing soothing his old beliefs. I told him the woman he would meet would be a perfect match to where he was now in soothing his self hatred. He’d learn a lot too, I told him.
Boy, did he learn a lot!
The woman he met, let’s call her Meg, was quite a bit older. They decided to go on a hike. John was super clear with Meg about his disinterest in dating or even a relationship. He also was up front about his trans attraction, which seemed to not bother Meg. John told her he was exploring and really looking for a casual hook-up. Meg told him she was open to that, but she wasn’t ready just yet.
The hike went well. At the end of the day though, Meg hadn’t contacted John. When John reached out, Meg said in a text that she enjoyed her time with him but didn’t think they were a match.
This sent John into a tail spin. It triggered all his past beliefs about himself and, through projection, about women. Over the next four days, John doubled down on these old beliefs making himself more and more miserable. As far as John was concerned, Meg was, in his words now, a crazy bitch, a cunt and liar and more. All the while John felt more and more unwanted, rejected and miserable.
What John had trouble understanding over those days was the following. John wasn’t miserable because of what Meg did or didn’t do. John was miserable and angry, for sure. But those emotions told John something he really wanted to know. They told him beliefs he held about himself and women are not the same beliefs his Broader Perspective knows about those subjects.
This is an important bit of information and I’ll dive a bit deeper next because it’s important to understand. Knowing this information also helps us appreciate what happened next.
The valuable message of our emotions
Physical reality is, as I wrote above, a reflection. But a lot of people don’t know this. They also don’t know they come equipped with a hugely beneficial tool to help them move through this reflection towards everything they want. That tool is their emotions.
Every human is, of course, more than human. We are all eternal beings. We’re also much more than can fit into a single human body. So when we become human, we put a portion of us into the human body. Meanwhile the vast majority of what we are remains in nonphysical; the place from which we come.
When we sort of split ourselves up like that, that part of us remaining outside our bodies enjoys a birds eye view of our lives. That part of us can see all the choices we might, will and will not make. It sees the alternate probable future realities flowing from all those choices. Yes, even the ones we will not make. All of these futures fulfill our main purpose for being, which is expanding All That Is and ourselves in the process. So our Broader Perspective is keenly, always, seeing what’s happening as uber positive.
It also delights in wherever we are in the moment because it can see how where we are is the perfect place for us at that moment. So it always sees our present moment in the most positive light. When we don’t see our present moment that way, we feel negative emotion.
So emotions help us integrate the part of us in our bodies with the part of us that remains where we come from. I’ll share why that integration is important next.
It’s all about inspired action
Because our Broader Perspective enjoys that birds eye view, and because it knows what we want at all times, it constantly sends us messages – clues or gut feelings – which will lead us to what we want. But to receive those messages, we must open ourselves to perceiving them. We do that by integrating ourselves, matching our perspective of life in our physical bodies to the perspective of our life our Broader Perspective has. Do that and we can “hear” the messages.
Follow the messages and our life unfolds in a seeming magical way. Everything we want comes easily, often with no effort. Remember what you read above about action? Action doesn’t make things happen. What action does do is, when we take it, that action positions us in the reality coordinates of time and space where the final unfolding of what we want appears.
Inspired action is action taken as a result of hearing our Broader Perspective’s messages. When we get a message and we follow it immediately, we rendezvous with a delightful unfolding. But All That Is is always in motion. So if we delay, if we hesitate when we get a message, then we miss the rendezvous. Taking inspired action immediately then, is key.
So emotions are guides. They help us know, at any given moment, how aligned we are with our Broader Perspective. That tells us whether we can hear messages we send ourselves. And, when we hear the message and take the inspired action, we rendezvous with the ongoing Charmed Life I write about here. The life where everything happens with very little effort.
Let’s turn back to John’s story now.
A huge gift given to himself
It took a long time for John to understand what I was telling him when I told him, in response to his vitriol, that Meg was actually an angel he created for himself to see how his beliefs are making himself miserable. That his misery, which is an emotion, was a huge gift he was sending himself.
Can you see how it was a huge gift?
And for sure, Meg was an angel. Another way of putting it is, Meg was a reality John created for himself as a reflection, so that he can be aware of and do something about his beliefs. She was, what we call a cooperative component to John getting what he wants. For he can’t get what he wants if he’s not integrated with his Broader Perspective. And “misery” tells him he’s not integrated!
So his experience with Meg was a huge gift.
As I told him before, Meg was also a perfect match. She was unsure of what she wanted, as much as he was. She reflected his self-rejection back to him by expressing no future interest in him. Again, it wasn’t something John wanted to hear. I’m so glad therefore that the Universe stepped in and offered John an experience that brought that message home.
An astonishing unfolding
John felt a bit better after our talk. It took a while, but we’re all eternal, so how long it takes doesn’t matter. One day he got the inspired action to go to Whole Foods. He didn’t realize this was inspired action though. He just thought he was running an errand. That perspective was about to completely change.
While shopping, a little girl came up to John and, as he describes it, started a delightful conversation with him. John described the experience as “sweet” in a text he sent me just after the encounter.
But what really surprised me was what John texted next. Mind you, he was feeling much better after venting his vitriol at someone (me) who could channel that energy to his benefit rather than amplify it. Here’s his interpretation of that Whole Foods rendezvous:
Isn’t that an astonishing interpretation? Of course, when John shared that he couldn’t help but feel extremely positive emotion about himself, about the girl and about the experience. That’s because this interpretation was spot on. It also was exactly why the Universe brought him and the child together: so that he could further soothe his bogus beliefs. Beliefs about women and about himself.
John said he didn’t have words to express how delightful that experience was. He felt a shift happen in him, something that he hadn’t felt before. And he couldn’t believe it happened the way it did; through an experience with a child.
What happened next surprised John even more.
Dreams are critical
Over the next several nights, John had a series of dreams. These dreams took him to new heights of wonder and amazement.
Dream work is a big part of what I offer clients. That’s because dreams are a big part of life. Ninety-five percent of what’s necessary for us to have what we want happens in nonphysical. “Dream state” is another way of describing nonphysical. When we dream, we leave our bodies in bed. We join all the cooperative components in nonphysical. There we witness and interact with those components as they assemble everything needed — people, events, resources — so our desires unfold.
The reason I include dream work is because conscious awareness of what’s happening when we sleep builds confidence and trust that all we want is happening on our behalf. Conscious awareness of dream activity is also extremely satisfying.
Another reason dream work is important is because it makes us aware that we are far more than our physical bodies. We become acquainted with all the other dimensions, the alternate and probable realities, in which we are active, just as we are active here in this reality.
Acquainting ourselves with our broader activities also lessens our fear of death and increases our belief that we are eternal. So dream work is a critical part of the practice.
John’s crucible
I ask clients that they record their dreams so we can interpret them together. This helps clients become more familiar with the dream world. It also softens their resistance to perceiving dreams.
Everyone dreams, but for important reasons, most people don’t know they dream. Many who do often forget them the moment they wake.
John fits in this category. Even so, he realized over several dreams in the ensuing days that he was sending himself an important message as evidenced in his text:
In our next session John and I marveled over these dreams. They were cluing him in on the process he’s going through, which very much feels to him like a crucible. Interestingly, John had never heard of the word before this. A crucible is something, usually a process something or someone goes through, that includes a severe trial. And through that trial a purification happens.
So John realized these dreams were about soothing himself around the idea that he’s doing the work. Doing the work and benefitting from the work he’s doing. John was stunned in how applicable his dreams were. And he marveled the whole session about how well he was doing.
The unfolding in totality
I would love to end this story here, but that would be disingenuous. For as much as this experience moved John, he’s still struggling with reality as created by him, according to his still dominant negative belief momentum.
To understand what happened next, we have to recap what happened over the week I’m sharing about. John took my advice to test out his current vibrational state on the subject of his self-hatred and projecting that self-hatred onto cis women, by going out with one. That experience matched him with a person perfectly matching his vibration, Meg, who reflected perfectly back to John where he currently is.
John struggled over the next few days, but was able to finally soothe some of his negative momentum on the subject of himself and cis women. Soothing himself, he came into alignment with his Broader Perspective, which nudged him to Whole Foods where he rendezvoused with a fabulous amplification of the ongoing learning, which came in the form of a child.
Meanwhile, John further soothed himself in dreams in which he realized he was moving through a crucible.
But the Universe and his Broader Perspective weren’t done. In the marvelous, astonishing experience with that child, John integrated even more with his Broader Perspective. And so, the Universe brought him another gift.
A sick thrill
As we expand, the Universe will deliver more opportunity to expand even further. This is the never-ending process of expansion for ourselves and All That Is. It can’t be stated strongly enough: this is a NEVER-ENDING PROCESS. It’s that process of never-ending expansion that gives birth to our eternity.
John was in a strong post-expansion state of awareness in his realization of how profound his Whole Foods rendezvous was. So, John, the Universe and his Broader Perspective served up another opportunity for expansion. What that looked like was a surfacing of a series of old beliefs John has which also must be soothed for continued expansion.
These beliefs involved two subjects John has a lot of negative momentum around. One has to do with friends who, in John’s telling “rejected”, “disrespected” and “marginalized” him during what he would say was a time of need in his life. The other has to do with how he felt, again, disrespected, used and marginalized, by a trans woman for whom he has extremely strong positive feelings.
But John didn’t see the surfacing of these beliefs, and their associated negative emotion, as an expansion opportunity. Instead, he let these beliefs trigger even more powerful, negative emotions. Until he found himself in the depths of powerlessness, grief and, again, self-hatred:
John sent the text above two days after the Whole Foods event, the dreams, and after doing exactly what his text described over those two days.
It’s good we’re eternal
Many clients struggle with this. This “you create your reality” business is serious. It can be fun too, thrilling even, when you see everything you want happening with no effort on your part.
But until one builds evidence of that happening, it can be a real slog.
We can’t create a new reality without soothing the reality we’ve created. And if that created reality is extremely negative, then it’s going to take a while to soothe. And, that reality will keep asserting itself, not as punishment, but because of momentum. Which is why it’s a good idea to see it reasserting itself as a positive thing.
This is another reason why it’s a good thing we’re eternal. There’s no rush to John soothing his hold momentum, wherein he’s numbing himself and feeling suicidal. He has all of eternity to do it. And he is doing it.
The empowering news is, he’s the only one who can do it. No one else will or can stand in his way and prevent the work from happening. No one but him. For just as he’s the only one who can do it, he’s also the only one who can keep himself from doing it. That applies to every client. It also applies to every person.
No one prevents any of us from having what we want. We all do that to ourselves. That’s why it’s so important to get that our reality springs from our thoughts and beliefs. Armed with that knowledge, we can create any reality we want. Everyone can. Even trans and trans-attracted people.
TL;DR: The author shares what happened when a trans woman invited them to test drive her new vaginoplasty. What they found and what they recommend may surprise some and confirm others’ opinion about what sex with a post-op trans woman is like.
What it is like to be inside a post-op trans woman’s vagina? What does it feel like? Is the medical miracle comparable to the real thing?
Not long ago, I got answers via an unexpected late-night invitation: a trans woman I know traveled to Thailand for her “bottom surgery”, recovered, and now wanted feedback on her new nether regions. She wanted me to take a test drive.
I was willing, if she was willing to take the feedback (and some other things) for what it was: my honest, unvarnished opinion. It was a hook up, no doubt, not something I do lightly or even frequently. But Jane, let’s call her, is a familiar person and I wanted to help. She’s also smart, kind, politically active, young and pretty. In the least, we’d have good conversation as always. So I jumped in a Lyft and headed to Southeast Portland.
I’m writing this for you guys interested in trans women who may not have had sex yet with one, or maybe have, but with a pre-op trans woman. Or maybe you have had sex with a post-op trans woman. If you have, I’d love to hear your experience.
First, upfront disclosure: I prefer pre-op trans women for obvious reasons. Before you girls start hating, realize this is MY preference. It’s way more than about the plumbing alone and if you don’t like it or understand it, go after what you want rather than railing against me. I know my preference is natural. Yours are too. So go for what you want and leave mine alone. 😊
I didn’t realize Jane had a vagina until after my Lyft had long ago dropped me at my destination and departed towards its next fare. I sat there across from Jane on a tan couch positioned oddly in the center of her apartment, amid boxes, panties, cat litter and other assorted strewables. The place looked like two airlines crashed in her apartment spewing passengers’ private things wall-to-wall. Shit was everywhere…except maybe where it should have been.
Jane offered a good excuse: She’s packing for a cross-town move. Why she thought about getting vaginal feedback now crossed my mind later, long after the test drive. But in the moment…well, let’s just say I was focused on more important things.
The point being, $35 into a $60 round trip Lyft fare, it was too late by the time she told me she had a vagina to decline the offer. Not that I would have had she told me ahead of time.
I’m not a hypocrite, so being where I am in my own development stemming from practicing what I preach at The Transamorous Network, I had no expectations what Jane’s booty call would include. She simply asked “want to come over and have sex with me?” That was it.
I had no idea what Jane had in her pants either. I knew from lengthly conversations that she saw herself “as a woman”. My awareness extended only that far. Besides, I know plenty of trans women who see themselves as women, but have penises.
As I said, Jane also is pretty, smart and fun to be around. So I didn’t mind if nothing happened, if she had a cock or something else. No specifics significantly registered. I only thought it would be nice to see her, sex or no sex.
After acknowledging this was a booty call and with small talk catchup behind us, the night got more…interesting. A fairly rigorous conversation followed about “the act”: her desires, how she liked it, what she was into, etc.
I made sure everything about to happen was consensual, without making it weird, even though I thought about whipping out my iPhone and recording us both acknowledging a consensual pairing.
Most of our pre-foreplay intellectual banter concerned Jane’s preoccupation with my pre-op preference.
Like some trans girls, Jane is hyper-sensitive over men who prefer pre-op trans women. I get that sensitivity. While some men can and probably do get off being objectified — by trans women and others — sometimes for their endowments, their six pack, or money, for example, most trans women I know aren’t too keen on a guy liking them only for what they’re packing.
Some men do objectify pre-op trans women. But most of the men I work with through The Transamorous Network want something more than sex with trans women. They’re rational enough in their desires though to know what they like, and I encourage self-love, honesty and integrity in all my clients.
Desires, I tell them, are to be fulfilled. So long as my clients tell stories consistent with what they want, what they want will fulfill themselves. Same with trans women and their desires. Planet Earth contains enough time and space for everyone’s desire. One needn’t criticize what another wants just because one doesn’t want that.
If a trans woman doesn’t want to be objectified for having a penis, she won’t so long as she tells stories consistent with what she wants (being seen for all she is) instead of what she doesn’t want (being seen only as having a penis).
So trans women: Go get what you want. Leave others to their desires.
By the time we talked through Jane’s triggered story about my preference (which was irrelevant) sex was a foregone conclusion. No one was backing out, neither Jane, nor I, nor my curiosity, nor her feedback desires.
I had never been with a post-op trans woman. This would be an interesting anthropological adventure! What happened next was….
I should also add here that I’ve led a robust sex life, filled with many, many women, some men, trans people (yes, trans men too) and other more advant garde experiences I needn’t share. The point is, I’ve been around body parts. Including LOTS of vaginas.
I also have a fair understanding about how doctors perform the delicate surgical origamic alchemy transmogrifying a penis into a vagina. It’s a medical miracle, frankly, that it functions at all.
I’ve heard second hand from trans women that their artificial vag works just great, so well these coital doppelgängers work, men can’t tell the difference they say.
Yet never had I heard men describe their experience being in one. This was my first-person opening, a slot inviting my entry, so to speak. So, with relish, I took my shirt off. Then my pants…
Looking back I’d say it was what I thought it might be. Our pairing carried a tone more clinical than amorous. Imagine having sex with someone knowing researchers watched through a two-way mirror you knew was a two-way mirror. Or you had sex with a fellow researcher, while each of you remained mostly in clinical mindsets while fucking…
Going with that clinical vibe, here’s what I observed:
As much as a trans woman might say it is, it isn’t. Once inside, even with lube, it felt like a crevice designed with no thought as to the shape of a penis. It felt as though someone opened a hole in a body, but didn’t bother to contour it in a way to make it vaginal-like.
Unlike a vagina, no fleshy folds awaited inside to coddle me to orgasm. Instead it felt like rubbing against exactly what it was: epidermis. Not only was it too shallow and thus most unwelcoming for my length, it also featured insufficient diameter. Even with lube it felt the whole affair would rip my penis skin off, like the skin of a grape, were any intensity applied.
As we both undulated ourselves while in the act, I felt an uncomfortable hardness. No, it wasn’t my erect penis, rather it was a bone… I mused as to whether that was Jane’s pelvic bone, which made being inside her an uncomfortable experience in addition to feeling near flayed.
Also unlike a vagina, there appeared to be two bulbous, fleshy forms just above and inside the “vaginal” canal, only slightly protruding, like a tiny prolapsed anus. It felt exactly like a little penis peeking out of a cave. When Jane came, I felt ejaculate shoot from between those fleshy forms, much like ejaculate from an erect penis.
Speaking of penises, somewhere in my pelvis lies a muscle. When flexed, my erect penis, rises and falls without manual assistance. I don’t know whether a vaginoplasty, the medical term for “turning a penis into a vagina”, includes dismantling that muscle.
In Jane’s case, whenever she moved her hips as though to thrust, I felt the two fleshy forms aforementioned move…not vaginal like, but like a penis. That movement and the discharge gave me the distinct impression that, despite its transformation, and no matter how emasculated it may have become, a penis was, in fact, still present and accounted for, but now literally hood-winked into appearing as a vagina.
Finding my way around the vaginal exterior confounded me as well. It resembled no vagina I’m familiar with. I couldn’t find the clear and pleasantly erect, welcoming clitoris typically shrouded in its fleshy hood near the vaginal apex, even when Jane insisted it was there and vigorously played herself to orgasm.
Despite our mutual arousal the whole time, the experience was less than satisfactory.
I shared my thoughts in detail with Jane afterwards in candid, no uncertain terms. Not surprisingly, she took it in stride, listened intently while taking mental notes. She thanked me for the honesty and said other men she’s been with said it was just like a vagina. I don’t know these men, so I can’t speculate at all about their prior experiences. I only speak from mine.
I know trans women don’t get vaginoplasty, vulvoplasty, SRS, or “bottom surgery” – whatever you want to call it – for the pleasure and satisfaction of the men. I presume the main reason some (not all) trans women go to such lengths is so their exterior decor matches their interior identity blueprint. They want to look how they feel…to them, most of all. They want to look in the mirror and see only that which matches how they feel. Many feel strong rejection of their penis.
I get that.
My opinion and experience therefore doesn’t matter as far as trans women go. If a trans woman wants such a procedure, I say whatever makes you happy. Maybe somewhere on the list for such women, a future partner’s experience counts. Maybe not.
Still, the following might be helpful.
One of my former clients, a senior medical professional who runs a major health organization, is familiar with vaginoplasty and vulvoplasty procedures. When I described my experience my client said my observations were “clinically and anatomically spot on”.
“It’s extremely difficult,” my client said. “To create something where there is nothing. Most literature in the field says results are marginal and often dissatisfying” in both form and function. He continued by saying invariably partners don’t experience satisfaction with such procedures and that it is routine that subjects return for repeated modifications.
“This is a major procedure and in my opinion not worth the risk and expense because once done, no matter how unsatisfied, it can’t be reversed. And at this point, the results are not satisfactory,” He added.
We both agreed over the reasons, the stories, which drive some trans women to seek a visage matching their ideals. So my client says such trans women should seek the most capable provider possible, with no concern for expense, so they are happy with the outcome. Even then, he says, they may have unsatisfactory results.
I have a hard time believing guys, especially those with ample vaginal experience, would find such a surrogate satisfactory, let alone pleasurable. My client, with medical experience agrees: “Any man who has had sex with cis-women will know right away what they’ve entered is not a vagina.”
I asked him whether there are skeletal differences between men and women in the pelvic area, explaining my experience with what I thought was Jane’s pelvic bone.
“Indeed,” He said. “The female pelvic arch, where the genitals are, is wider and higher than the male pelvis. So it’s highly likely you were grinding against her “male” pelvic bone while trying to find the right angle inside her “vagina”.”
The subpubic angle is the angle produced by the inferior rami of the pubis, which creates the pubic arch. In women, the subpubic angle will generally be equal to or greater than 80 degrees (obtuse), which is similar to the shape of the letter “L”. In men, the pubic arch is narrower, creating a subpubic angle that is usually less than or equal to 70 degrees (acute), making it a similar angle to an upside down “V.”
That upside down V was exactly what I bumped up against. Here, look at this drawing for clarification, which also comes form registerednursern.com.
Take note of differences in pelvic arch location and shape between a male pelvis (left) and female pelvis (right). The male pelvis arch is lower AND far more narrower, meaning, you’re going to hit it while fucking. Especially during missionary style. Photo: registerednursern.com.
“We’re just not at the point where that kind of surgery can produce convincing results,” My client said. “And it’s highly unlikely we’ll be able to create from scratch a faithful replica to what it feels like entering a vagina.”
I remember one day, decades ago, accepting a quite young trans man’s invitation to hook up, before Craigslist kiboshed its personals section. When I arrived at a St.Johns apartment, a beautiful, pierced young person with a full face of stubble welcomed me. When he took off his clothes, he had had not a stitch of surgery. Everything “girl” remained untouched. Beauty rivaling Venus stood before me. Venus with a beard and short hair.
As I feast my young eyes upon them, pang of sorrow accompanied my awe. I knew some day this guy would likely go under the knife, irreparably altering what I experienced as a perfect human specimen.
And yet, beauty IS in each beholder’s eye. What must be done must be.
I’m glad I had this experience with Jane, even though what she has holds no candle to a natural vagina. Not in my opinion anyway. Guys: Whatever you call it, this procedure has a long way to go. Natural vaginas, as yet, have no rivals. If a vagina is what you want, stick to cis-women.
I know my experience is but one data point, with a doctor’s endorsement of sorts. Still, I hope what I experienced was not state of the art. If so, it’s not worth the money in my opinion, and the state of the art is…disappointing.
I’m glad I prefer, and get the opportunity to enjoy, penis-equipped women, who are, like me, happy with what they have. If you like what I like, I assure you there are at least as many women out there who want to keep their penis, as there are numbers of us willing to go to bed with and love out loud penis-equipped women. Go for what you want.
Don’t worry about people condemning your preference. Your preference isn’t theirs so their opinion doesn’t matter. Let no one talk you into compromising. Especially rants from trans women. They don’t know you. They aren’t you. You are you, be that.
And for those girls who feel they must get bottom surgery: you go for what you want too. But please don’t let impatience or economics lead you towards regret. What I’ve found is the doppelgänger turned out to be a poorly-conceived and executed facsimile. My advice for men again: if you want a vagina-equipped woman, the cis-variety is the best bet.
TL;DR: The author tells how they created an intimate encounter with a beautiful Mexican transgender woman solely through their thoughts and beliefs. Then they encourage everyone to learn how to deliberately create their own dating reality thereby experiencing a life where all they want is theirs.
So why was I on one? Because a client was using one I hadn’t been familiar with. I wanted to see what it was like. I wanted to see what it was like so I could relate to his experience.
But it was terrible. I’m not going to go into why it was terrible. Instead, I’m going to pivot right here and share why I’m writing this post. I’m writing this post because of something that happened with me this past week. What happened shows why I don’t encourage clients to use dating websites. Again, they’re terrible, costly and don’t work for most people.
Instead, I encourage people to use their stories to create their love lives. Doing so aligns one with the infinite resources of the Universe. It’s way more fun, completely free and, if one is patient, one can experience the surprising and delightful way in which the Universe fulfills any desire.
This past week that happened to me. And that’s what this post is about.
Let’s dive in.
Ten years in the making
This story will sound unbelievable. But every time the universe makes something happen in the way it does, it seems unbelievable. That’s because most of us don’t believe the Universe is intelligent, conscious and aware. They also don’t believe the Universe listens to and answers/delivers on every want. And, because most don’t believe these things, they don’t see the Universe doing these things all the time.
I see them though. I see them because I believe it. And that’s why I can share this absolutely true story.
The story starts more than 10 years ago. That’s right, it’s a long story. All the ways in which the Universe fulfills our desires usually takes a while. It can actually take only a few days. But we humans introduce things that delay results. Usually we do that through disbelief. Sometimes we do that through beliefs that counter what we want. For example, we may believe we don’t deserve what we want. Or we might believe someone else has what we want, thus blocking us from getting it. There are many stories – beliefs – we tell ourselves that delay, sometimes permanently, what we want.
I’ve soothed many of those stories, which is why what happened happened. The soothing is why it took 10 years.
What happened was an absolutely gorgeous, smart, wonderful, trans woman reached out to me for a bootie call. I’ll call her Selma. Now Selma happened to be a trans woman I interviewed on the The Transamorous Network Podcast. Back then, more than 10 years ago, I thought she was so hot. But I am also an ethical person. So I wasn’t going to come on to a podcast guest. That’s just not me.
What I did do back then though was lightly think about what it would be like to be with her…
The Universe makes it happen
But I didn’t fixate on that. I just figured back then that it was just a nice fantasy to think about…and…maybe jerk off over…
And this is how the Universe delivers our desires. Life experience brings to our awareness situations we like or don’t like. From there, we know what we want. And so does the Universe. The moment we know what we want, the Universe and all its resources goes to work. It begins assembling conditions, people and resources to make that want pop into our lives.
Receiving the full blown version of that desire requires us becoming a match to it. I write every week about how that happens, so I won’t go into it in this post. Today, I’m sharing this amazing story as proof of what being a match looks like, then what happens next.
So every experience we have helps us know what we want. The Universe takes that and instantly makes a version of that desire available. When we become a match to that experience, it becomes our experience. That’s what happened over 10 years with Selma. It wasn’t that it took 10 years for the resources to come together. That happened instantly. But it took 10 years for me to become a match to it.
What took so long? I’ll briefly talk about that next.
The Universe is your artistic co-creator. What are you going to create? (Photo by Khara Woods on Unsplash)
It begins with a bootie call
For one, I was married. That marriage had a lot of stuff happening in it. Second, as I wrote above, my ethics wouldn’t allow it. “Ethics”, of course, are a set of beliefs. Those beliefs ran counter to being a match to “being with Selma”.
Then I got into a whole bunch of other circumstances that had me focused on other things. Things that distracted me belief-wise from Selma.
Recently, however, like in the last two years, Selma came back into my awareness. That return had me begin to turn the corner belief-wise. My marriage was over. Those distractions were largely gone and I cultivated other thoughts which had me become more and more of a match to Selma.
It was no wonder then that this past summer, seemingly out of the blue, Selma reached out for a bootie call. Getting her message was a TOTAL surprise as all “manifestations” usually are. That’s because we usually can’t tell when we’ve become a match to something we want. So when we are, and it happens, it comes as a surprise.
I would have jumped on that bootie call opportunity…if I had seen the text in time. Selma is from Mexico. She’s a beautiful, indigenous, brown-skinned-black-haired-gorgeous-smile bombshell. And, she was heading south of the border for a couple months. By the time I saw her message she had already gone.
I sent her a message assuring her that, had I seen it, I would have invited her over. And I felt a little bummed about this because I really wanted to see her! Knowing what I know, however, about “beliefs create reality”, instead of staying bummed, I imagined her being here, at my apartment, in my bed, us both enjoying ourselves intwined in our arms and legs.
That felt great.
Now’s a great time to introduce some advanced information about how to create reality, especially people. It’s important to understand this, or at least have it in your awareness, dear reader, as we move through this story.
We create everything…and everyone
Each one of us lives in a reality all alone. That’s right. No one else exists in our reality but us. Every thing in our experience is a reflection of our beliefs, our ideas we hold in our heads. Every person we see is an extension, a reflection, of our beliefs too. When it comes to people, those people reflect our thoughts and beliefs about the people we see.
That means we are ongoingly creating versions of people we experience.
Now here’s the cool thing: The people we see are not the same people those people are experiencing. In other words, say we see John the policeman over there. We are creating a version of John the policeman, in our reality, at that moment. But John, over there in his reality, is creating a totally different version of himself than we are. That version of him reflects his thoughts and beliefs about himself, just as our version of him reflects our thoughts and beliefs about the police, people and John, specifically. Yes, this is true even if we think we don’t know “John”.
So you can see there’s a lot of overlapping creating happening. That’s pretty cool that we experience so many creations. But what is really cool is, this means we can create any versions of people we want!
It’s because I know this that I knew I could create a version of Selma that would wind up in bed with me. I knew a match to that creation already existed in Selma’s version of herself: she reached out for a bootie call. So already we were in the vicinity of being a match. All there was for me to do was amplify that match rather than amplify the opposite of that.
And that’s exactly what I did.
Well, not exactly…
Creation confusion
After that missed connection, I tried communicating with her often, but she hardly replied. She, like me, considers herself a free spirit. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship. After reaching out to her from time to time, and getting no reply, I started thinking I was bothering her. Of course, that caused my version of her to ignore my texts even more.
My thought “I’m bothering her” created a version of her that acted bothered: She wouldn’t reply, or she’d be off line every time I looked to see if she responded. I’m sure you can see similar behavior in yourself, dear reader. We think we’re being harmless by constantly checking to see if the person we’re interested in gets our message or replies.
But we’re not being harmless. We’re actually creating a reality. In that reality we’re creating a version of the person we’re interested in that doesn’t respond to us. How? By focusing on the absence of communication from that person!
Now, I found out later that she really did want to come over when she came back from Mexico. She also wondered why I hadn’t reached out to her more. But I didn’t know that when all this was happening. And yes, this again shows how we create different versions of people. Even different versions from the version that very person is creating of themself!
Here Selma was saying she was interested in wanting to get together. But she was waiting on me. And here I was creating a version of her matched to my disempowering belief: that I was bothering her.
None of the above I knew was happening until after we ended up in my bed together. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Giving it all up
Selma came back to the US in September and I immediately reached out to tell her I was still game for a hook up. She didn’t respond. And I let myself get even more poopy about that.
In time, I soothed that resistance, and, as a result, in a couple weeks, she reached out.
This was on Sept 26. She texted to tell me she’d be in my area and that we could meet. Interestingly, where she was going was about a block or two from where I lived. And she didn’t even know where I lived! I was stoked.
A couple hours later, however, she texted again. Selma said the meeting she was having got cancelled! This time, though, I didn’t have a negative reaction. Instead, I just let it roll off my back. Later, I reached out some more to try to coax her over. That caused her to distance herself even more. And the lack of response had me feel doubtful again about us meeting. That doubt felt increasingly awful.
That’s when I decided I need to use the “you create your reality” approach better. After all, I know this approach. Why the hell was I creating something I didn’t want? Why not, instead, create what I did want? So I did exactly that: I completely forgot about Selma.
Before, I responded to everything she posted on FB. So I stopped doing that. I responded to all her posts on Instagram too. I stopped that also. Even thinking about her was something I quit doing. I put her completely out of my mind, which, of course, soothed resistance I was building up, inherent in the intention of “trying to get her in my bed”, which was really creating the outcome “she’s not in my bed”.
I’ll explain why next.
Not thinking about it is key
I say this a lot to clients and also include it in a lot in my writings. You can’t think about the absence of something and create the presence of it. In other words, we must think about having what we want, not not having it. This is something easily confused. Many think they’re thinking the former instead of the latter.
If I’m thinking “I so want Selma in my bed” I’m focused on her NOT being in my bed, which is what I’m actually creating. And that is what I’m going to get. That’s because the Universe isn’t listening to the words we’re thinking or saying. Instead, it’s listening to our vibration: what we’re focused on. And if we’re feeling yearning or strong desire for something, we’re not focused on having that thing. We’re focused on the absence of it.
To get this point across, I often ask clients what it feels like to have something they currently have. Usually they answer by saying something like “I don’t think about it” or “I feel really glad I have it”. Well, that’s what it feels like to manifest what we want. It must feel like we have it, meaning we don’t think about it, or we feel glad we have it. If we’re feeling yearning, or hoping or needing, we’re not focused on having it. Nor do we feel glad.
So while thinking “I want her to come over” I’m focusing on “she’s not here”. And that’s what I was getting: a version of Selma that wasn’t showing up. That’s the momentum I wanted to soothe. And that’s why I stopped thinking about her.
It all comes together
The last contact I had from her was Sept 26. Three weeks later, at 1 p.m. Selma texted: “What are you up to today?”.
Now I would say that came out of the blue, but I KNEW THIS WAS THE MANIFESTATION I WAS WANTING. I told her I was completely open. But I didn’t get all excited about it. I remained indifferent in my focus. I held the feeling of having what I wanted, which is, not thinking about it. Then, at 4 p.m., she texted again. She was headed over!
The next few things that happened proved this was divine orchestration.
I really wanted to go get groceries. So I told her that’s what I was going to do and left. I don’t have a car, so it takes a while to run such an errand. There was a chance she would get to my apartment early, not wait, and bail. But I didn’t entertain any of that kind of thought. I just knew everything would work out.
I walked to the grocery (it’s about 1.5 miles away), then, coming home, I see Selma driving around the corner! Perfect timing I thought!
She looked radiant of course. Selma sees me and gives me that beautiful smile of hers. Then she tells me she can’t find a street side parking spot. I told her She looked amazing and pointed out how perfect it was that she arrived exactly when I got back to my apartment. Selma agreed.
I told her to drive around the block and that I’d see her in front of my building. When I walked around to my building, right in front of the building entrance, was a guy pulling out of a spot. Rock Star Parking! I texted Selma to let her know and, of course, she got that parking space.
Selma got out, we hugged and went upstairs….and after a lovely conversation of an hour or more, we ended up right where I visualized us: in my bed, intwined in our arms and legs!
You create your reality
What happened here? What happened was a beautiful orchestration. An orchestration the Universe performed on my behalf. It was an orchestration I kicked off by expressing my desire, then tuning myself so that I became a match to it.
I’m telling you there’s nothing better than seeing the Universe doing this for me over and over again. It delivers everything I want with no effort on my part other than thinking in a particular way.
Now, I’m no special snowflake. Everyone has this ability. Everyone, you included, can create any reality they want. They can also create any version of any person they want. All it takes is getting one’s stories right on the subject of that person.
Well, that’s not all it takes. It also takes belief. And that’s where most people fail. If you don’t believe any of this is possible, if you think this story was just a bunch of coincidence, “circular logic” or “wishful thinking” then those beliefs put the kibosh on your ability to create your reality.
You still create your reality. You just don’t do it deliberately. So you get some of what you want and some of what you don’t. I prefer a life where everything I want comes to me easily.
