trans attracted - The Transamorous Network

October 3, 2017October 3, 2017

The PROCESS called trans attraction

The term “tranny chaser” is often thrown at men who are attracted to transgender women. Usually by the very women the men are attracted to. We talk a lot about stories here at The Transamorous Network. A story is a thought a person repeats to themselves until it becomes a belief. Beliefs are stories a person repeatedly thinks until it becomes “unconscious” – it becomes so familiar to the person, they don’t have to think about thinking about it. It just is.

When a story becomes a belief, it is very powerful. Long before that point, such stories are attracting to themselves physical phenomena – events, people, circumstances – which match the story’s content. Of course, there is evidence disproving, or not matching, the story. But the storyteller cannot see that evidence. The predominantly only see matching evidence. The more the person repeats the story, the more difficult it is to see contrary evidence. That’s why, for example, some transwomen claim they will “never” find a guy, while pointing to the mound of her failed relationships. So long as she continues to believe that story, she continues to have that life experience.

At some point a story, particularly a negative one, has so much momentum behind it, it becomes automatic or knee-jerk. For example, a woman who happens to be trans can have an experience with a guy who definitely is NOT a “tranny chaser” observe some behavior that “triggers” her “tranny chaser” story and, in no time, that story becomes active in her mind. When that happens, the guy becomes a chaser. Even if he really isn’t one.

There are, of course, plenty of transgender women who do not have such stories. So guys, you’re in luck! For those women who do have such stories, there’s little you can do to defend yourself against them. Other than, of course, changing your stories about transgender women so you don’t encounter them.

What’s fascinating about transgender women who do have this story, or any other which demeans the men naturally attracted to them, is the state of hypocrisy involved. This wonderful Medium story by Julia Serano, which I’ll refer to several times in future posts, characterizes the state of being “transgender” as a process. Serano brilliantly describes how a person who is “cis-gender” could at any time become “trans” as soon as that person decides to coincide their appearance with an already existing or emergent internal identity:

…in discussions about trans identities and trajectories, [the words “transgender” and cis-gender”] often give the false impression that “cis” and “trans” are immutable and mutually exclusive categories, when in fact they are not.

For example, there are many people out there who (at this particular moment) would describe themselves as cisgender or cissexual, but who in the future will identify as transgender or transsexual. And (in the case of those who detransition) some people who self-identify as trans today may not in the future.

In fact, when discussing matters of identity and gender transition, people are by default presumed to be “cis” until they say or do something (e.g., voice a trans identity, express gender non-conforming behavior) to denote otherwise. This point is crucial, and I shall be returning to it shortly.

Furthermore, there is no test (medical, psychological, or otherwise) to determine whether or not a person is “really trans.” The terms transgender and transsexual are experiential — individuals have an internal experience of gender that they can either try to repress, or outwardly express via being gender non-conforming, or transitioning to their identified gender, respectively.

The same can be said for a man who exhibits “tranny chaser” behavior. As I said above, first, just because a guy speaks or acts in a way that looks like “chaser” behavior, doesn’t make him a chaser. And even if he consistently behaves that way and therefore may be accurately called such a person, that doesn’t mean he will remain that way. To the degree the observer continues to refer to that person as a “chaser”, it is impossible to see evidence in his behavior that is not “chaser”-like.

Got it?

Why am I defending men who “tranny chase”? If you think I am, then you’re missing the point.

The point is, your stories determine the reality you experience. That includes how people behave in your life experience. Giving grace to others (men, transwomen….anyone) is a overt act of countering stories which create realities we prefer not to have.

And in giving that grace, not only do you free others to be human BE-ings, which is decidedly a process rather than some fixed state, you free yourself from a limited life experience where only those things you dislike are your reality.

August 15, 2017July 19, 2017

I didn’t choose to be transgender/transamorous

Actually you did. So did I.

What? Did you think it was some random selection?

Well, I have news for you: Everything happening in this physical “reality” is being agreed upon and acted out in a massive cooperative venture. And that includes choices you make about you, what you look like, your gender and more. In the same way you create your reality through the stories you tell (the thoughts you think) you have created everything else about you.

Now, you may think you don’t like the choice you made to come into the world as you are, but actually, you’re celebrating the fact in the eternal now that is your home.

Yes, you are an eternal being. I know, you probably don’t have any reference for that statement. Or maybe you do, and you rail against it because the reference refers to some kind of religious dogma you’d rather not think about. That’s cool because I’m not sharing dogma here. I’m sharing something you can easily verify with a little effort and guidance (guidance because you have to know what to look for).

Consider the possibility that you are eternal. What if this life was just one of an infinite number you have lived, many of which you have lived, and are living simultaneously right now. If that is the case (and it is), then it seems you as an eternal being would tire of experiencing every freaking life experience as a woman or a man or whatever.

Look a that again: If you are eternal, continuously, raucously, enthusiastically experiencing lifetime after lifetime AND you have had infinite numbers of experiences in the past, doesn’t it make sense that you’d get tired of coming into the experience only as a man or a woman?

Oh, consider this: There are no genders in that eternal state that is you. In that state, the original state from which you spring, you are all “genders” (infinite potential). If you are eternal, you have access to the amazing variety (i.e. infinite) of ways you could express yourself in physical reality. Also, presuming you are eternal, that means everyone (and everything) else is too. Along with eternity comes mastery of awareness and knowledge. Since you are not some closed-off being, separate from other experiences of other beings, you have direct influence upon other beings’ experiences. So all that interoperability between you and other points of being-ness has an infinite potential to generate variety….variety that you crave as an eternal being.

(are you beginning to get this?)

℘”What if this life was just one of an infinite number you have lived, many of which you have lived, and are living simultaneously right now.” ℘

So here you are, at the point of yet another life. You’re excited, thrilled even for another plunge into this framework that freaking fascinates you. You’re wanting to have a new experience though, one that will add to the immenseness of you. You’re also wanting to positively influence those other beings with whom you are in contact with and will continue to be once you in-personate yourself.

So, you choose an experience on the frontier of life experience. One that will push the boundaries of life experience for you and for others “affiliated” with you. These others (your family members, friends, lovers and everyone else you may encounter) have agreed to this escapade of yours and promise to make the experience interesting. But they are bounded by the stories you tell, stories which create experience after experience in your coming day-to-day journey that will be your life.

So you come into the world with an express purpose: to experience joy, “growth”, to have fun in the process, and to explore the frontiers of what it means to be you. Not you the transperson or trans attracted person. But you the eternal being having a life experience as a transperson or a trans attracted person.

This may make no sense to you whatsoever. You may have no reference to understand what you’re reading. Many folks aren’t ready to hear this. But as I wrote above and in previous posts, with a little effort and guidance all of this can be verified by you.

But whether you choose to verify it or not doesn’t really matter. Your stories are predetermining your life experience moment by moment. And if you’re telling stories of suffering, mayhem, bad relationships, joblessness and such, that is what is stacking up to be delivered in your day-to-day life experience.

And that is why we focus on the stories you tell.

May 30, 2017May 8, 2017

Free yourself from the shadows

llurk in the shadows I’m a bit ahead of the curve on some of the work I’m doing. One is encouraging men to come out of the shadows of their trans attraction, into the bright warming sun of their transamory. The other is to encourage transgender women who persistently tell the story of “tranny chasers” and the struggles they face, to change those stories so they can live lives of joy and empowerment.

In both cases, both audiences are responding. But sometimes, my expectations get ahead of where people are.

Case in point: our Man On Fire Conference.

The Man On Fire Conference is the first-ever national conference designed exclusively for and about men who are attracted to transgender women; men with transgender children, parents or siblings; and men trying to figure out their unique part in the transgender phenomena increasingly dominating social consciousness. We’ve scheduled the conference for this summer.

After aggressive promotion via Craigslist and Facebook advertising, only three tickets have sold. What does this tell us?

I think many trans attracted men are still skittish about being seen in public as trans attracted. They aren’t too keen registering for an event, then coming to such an event in person. We’ve gotten at least 10 men who said they are interested. At least two men who are married expressed interest in going, but need to sort out how to explain the ticket and flight expenses to their wives. At least two other men complained about the price of tickets. We thought $35 was a reasonable price. But guys focused almost exclusively on the $150 at the door price (priced that way do encourage early registration). So maybe an in person event is premature.

So we’re considering changing the event to an online one, where men can participate in the comfort of their trans attracted shadows. We know there’s demand for what we offer. A lot of men are reading and watching our material. We know there are a lot of men out there who fancy transgender women. We know there is a lot of frustration, shame and pain being trans attracted.

We’re still searching for the right combination of things that will entice men out of those shadows and into the light. Maybe its the match-making service I’m piloting?

If you’re a trans attracted man reading this, let me know your thoughts on how we can better serve you. I’d love to hear your ideas.

May 2, 2017April 11, 2017

Are trans attracted men “transgender”?

Oh boy, I can already imagine the responses to this post.

There’s a great article on Medium, written by Julia Serano. It’s pretty complex and long, but worth a read. In it, Serano describes how the word “transgender” came about. She explains that trans activists in the 1990s coined the term purposefully intending it to be “open-ended”. She says the term “refers to people who defy societal expectations regarding gender”.

And here’s where things get dicey. Because some society members, including early stage trans attracted men spooked by their self-discovery, would say that trans attracted men do defy societal expectations regarding gender. But this is where things get crazy. And confused. People generally, and our trans attracted men specifically, have an Ouroboros perspective on what it means when a man loves women who happen to be transgender. I use the phrase “women who happen to be…” specifically because it points out the twisted logic. Which I’ll get to in a second.

If you troll Craigslist’s M4T sections in casual encounters. You’ll often find these men describing themselves as “straight.” This in my opinion is a result of the screwy perspective. I think the reason why these trans attracted men feel they have to clarify their orientations is because they don’t really believe women who happen to be transgender are, in fact women. Particularly men who are experimenting with being penetrated, or being attracted to women who have penises.

And the same goes for society. Society’s big beef with trans attracted men, calling them gay and such, stems from this flawed thinking. If transgender women are actually men, not women, then of course the men who are attracted to them must be gay, goes the thinking. So it’s no wonder trans attracted men must clarify in their posts that they’re straight. Unfortunately, for them, and their potential readers, this often comes off as an insult, because the women reading these posts are women. I think the reason they identify their heterosexuality in their posts has little to do with the women, and everything to do with their own self-view: They are writing their post as much for themselves as for those who will read it.

It’s interesting to ask: if trans attracted men are gay, wouldn’t they be interested in men who present as men? And I suppose the cynical answer is: not if they are too embarrassed to own their homosexuality. Being with a transgender woman could be more palatable for these terrified guys because at least they have some of the physical trappings of “real” women…

That argument doesn’t go very far when the trans attracted-to-transamorous trajectory is thoroughly examined. As a transamorous man myself, I know my process included experimenting with men and transwomen only to discover a profound distaste of men and an equal, continued attraction for both cis-gender and transgender women. I know and have talked with many men whose trajectories are similar. No doubt there might be men in the early stages of trans attraction who actually are gay and end up with men. But I would bet they are a tiny minority.

Back to “are trans attracted men transgender?” It’s an interesting question. Serano says this about the term “transgender”:

it may refer to transsexuals (i.e., people who transition, who I’ll get to in a minute), people who identify outside of the gender binary, crossdressers (i.e., people who identify with their birth-assigned gender, but sometimes dress and/or express themselves as the other gender), people whose gender expression is non-conforming (e.g., feminine men, masculine women, people who are androgynous, etc.), and possibly others. Not everyone who falls under this umbrella will self-identify as “transgender,” but are all viewed by society as defying gender norms in some significant way.

A man loving a woman who happens to be trans isn’t defying gender norms. Unless you think such a woman is not a woman. But such a woman is a woman. So where is the defiance? If there is defiance, it can only be defying society’s (false) assertion that women who happen to be transgender aren’t women. And since that assertion is false, so is any defiance.

I’ve had two conversations with transgender women who offered the idea that trans attracted men are transgender. I’m not so sure that’s the case. But I’m open to hearing the arguments.

What are your thoughts?

April 25, 2017April 24, 2017

“Not all men are chasers”

“What the actual fuck!”

If that’s the reaction you had to this post’s headline, you really need to read this.

For you have a couple of serious stories to unravel. Stories that are twisting your life experience into a knot of Gordian’s proportions.

Despite your protestations, it is absolutely accurate to say not all men are chasers. I get how you might be frustrated by men (or others) trying to defend men who are trans attracted. But there’s really good reasons why they’re doing so.

Here’s how the logic goes:

Not all men are interested in transwomen. That alone destroys the argument that all men are chasers. The majority of men don’t give a fuck about transgender women. They aren’t trans attracted.
Of the men who are trans attracted, some of them don’t give a fuck about you. They aren’t looking for someone who has a problem with men. They have self-empowering stories which leave them impervious to your anger: they see themselves as straight men who love women: and they see transgender women as exactly that, treat them that way, and are happily living lives totally oblivious to your opinions.
Of those who *might* be interested in you, the ones who aren’t chasers you can’t find so long as you tell yourself that all men are chasers. Your story simply won’t let you see evidence that is contrary to the story. How stories work is incredibly simple. And equally powerful.
So when you say all men are chasers, the only men you’re speaking about are the ones you’re meeting as you walk through the reality created by this massive overgeneralization. Meanwhile, there are happily married transgender women who are – SURPRISE! – married to men who aren’t chasers. There are happy transgender women who are having no problem finding men who aren’t chasers. And, there are men who aren’t chasers, who are going about their lives finding transgender women with whom they can have sound relationships. While you, disgruntled person, are fuming about experiences, experiences you yourself are creating.

I can see how this extremely powerful story gets started. Here’s one of an infinite number of paths (your experience may vary):

Transgender person decides to transition.
She feels economically oppressed by the financial magnitude of what it’s going to take.
She is insecure about making these steps, but feels compelled from within to do so.
She’s not trained in how to control her mind or her stories. Heck, she’s never even heard of “stories” in this way. So when she thinks about these steps, she only thinks about the difficulty, the struggles, how hard it’s going to be and how all of that is going to lead to a very hard and lonely life.
With that story ripe in her uncontrolled mind, she searches the internet. The algorithms, informed by her own conscious awareness, serve up account after account of other transition experiences which confirm her fears: life is going to be hard and lonely.
During her transition, her stories are further confirmed through personal experience. It is hard. It is difficult, it is a struggle. Not because it actually is, but because that’s the story she’s telling herself about the experience. So her personal experience, combined with those other experiences she’s read about, is confirming her initial stories of hardship, difficulty and struggle.
So now she feels lonely, depressed, sad. But she’s also horny, or curious, or desperately wanting companionship. In all these disempowering stories, she is insecure with her transition so she tries to get some validation. Where does she do that? She doesn’t go within, which is where relief is. Instead, she seeks validation in the external world. Maybe she seeks professional help, which is a good start, but you can’t sleep with your counselor, or even go on a date with them, sooooo…..
She chooses some of the worst venues in search of validation, perhaps because they offer some pseudo anonymity: Craigslist, notorious trans dating sites, or dark bars with loud music and lots of alcohol.
Unbeknownst to her, the guys in these places are in exactly the same situation. They are insecure with their transition. They too are out seeking validation/confirmation of their self-suspicions. They are testing/exploring their new stories about their trans attraction. They are on the down low for the exact same reason the transwoman is seeking external validation: they’re fearful, insecure, and seeking external reassurance. They’re trying to figure out this attraction, through exploration. Or they’re further along, but still in denial or insecure about their trans attraction, so they’re seeking temporary relief/self-satisfaction through a (for now) series of one-time flings. In other words, our transgender woman’s stories and these men’s stories are an exact match.
So whether it’s craigslist, the local gay bar, or online on a dating site, our transgender woman’s experience mirrors her stories: she gets dick picks and one-liners on Craigslist; attention, leers and stares from uninformed, seemingly sketchy guys at the gay bar. Should she find someone who is willing to show her affection, and she’s desperate enough to take it, she ends up (the next morning) regretting her decision, feeling empty and, of course alone.
Finally, in an attempt to justify her experience, and seek ego assurance that this can’t be her fault, she blames the men while totally oblivious to her own responsibility, which began with her not knowing that her stories created this outcome.
Pissed and dejected, she confirms her experience with her friends, who, being friends, share many of the same stories and the same unwillingness to control their minds. The collective conclusion then is: it’s about the men. They are all chasers.
Meanwhile, as I wrote above, there are many, many men, merrily going about their lives, loving, respectfully dating and yes, even marrying transgender women.

What the actual fuck?

Indeed.