Tag: Cis-trans relationships

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Men: you gotta understand your love stories

 

Men (and transwomen). You’re wanting a relationship. Essentially that means you’re wanting love. Do you know what you mean when you talk about “love”?

It’s an important question. Love comes in all kinds of shapes and colors. And definitions. Knowing what “love” is like for you can help you determine if you’re getting what you’re wanting, or what you’re not wanting.

For example, for a long time my “love story” told me that love included fighting, disagreements, coldness, periods of sexual expression, and a smattering of peace. As a result of this “love story”, guess what my relationships looked like?

That’s right, each relationship was incendiary, unstable, and fraught with drama. The sex was good…for a while. But the drama always overwhelmed good sex.

Later I learned a new love story. I learned that love and relationships were a forge designed to toughen and transform hearts into strong independent/interdependent entities capable of “standing on one’s own feet” instead of relying on the love and adoration of another. From that “training” one could love another unconditionally.  This story I learned from a book called The Passionate Marriage.

Unfortunately that story created relationships that were more learning laboratories than nurturing really loving ones. Learning 24/7 is not necessarily a fun thing to do. Especially with your intimate partner.

Today my love story is more akin to real “unconditional” love. It says I have the capacity to love everyone because everyone (including myself) is love. More importantly, the most meaningful love for me, and the least capricious love, comes from within. Not from another person.

That kind of love leaves me free to be. More importantly, it allows my partner to be whoever she is too. It allows me to not be affected by the love or the lack of love I get or don’t get from another person. Which leaves me happy and less susceptible to bouts of dramas, disagreements and misunderstandings. These things still happen sometimes, but I’m far less rocked by them. As a result, my relationship is more calm, peaceful and more joyful, mainly because I don’t look in my relationship to find calmness, peace and joy. Instead, I look within, where calmness, peace and joy is available 24/7.

Your love story is creating your reality in relationships. What is your love story? And is it causing you to look for love in all the wrong places?

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MEN: Your beliefs matter

fullsizeoutput_2211If you’re trans-attracted and having trouble accepting that part of yourself, if you are addicted to trans-porn and surf such sites in the middle of the night, if you are dying to meet a transperson in person, or have, but only are willing to do so in private, then you are a victim of disempowering stories you have thought so often, they have become beliefs for you. And in becoming beliefs they shape your reality.

The same goes for any trans-attracted man who has one or more of the following stories going on in their heads:

  • Transwomen are hard to find
  • All transwomen are (fill in the blank)
  • Transwomen don’t like guys like me
  • I’m too (fill in the blank) to be attractive to transwomen
  • Finding a transwoman to seriously date is impossible

We’re not kidding when we assert the following: These stories and many others are creating the reality that perpetuates a life-experience (yours) wherein these stories are true. That’s the only thing making them true. They aren’t objectively true. If they were, we wouldn’t have been able to find and interview the people we have had on our show.

Think about that.

Your stories are powerful. No matter what they may describe (something you want, or something you don’t want) you will experience “reality” consistent with with the ones you focus on and believe the most. No exceptions.

So the answer to all your desires, not just the ones about transwomen, is to tell stories about what you want. It really is that simple. Well, there’s a little more to it, but that basically is it.

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How to prove your stories create your reality

fullsizeoutput_1e07In my last post I wrote about how sucky stories creates a sucky life. You just can’t complain about life and end up happy. All you get is more suck.

“Suck” doesn’t have to be something monumental, such as chronic illness or chronic unemployment. It can be as simple a thing as not finding the love you want whether you’re transgender or trans attracted. It an even be as simple as having a desire for something (anything) and not finding fulfillment of that desire.

That does suck!

Whether you believe it or not, you’re supposed to be getting all you want out of this life. But to have all those things there’s a few other things you need to remember and then put into action.

:Your disbelief can’t be disproved.:

One is that you are creating your life experience as you go. The other is that your emotions clue you in on the process you use (your story-telling) to create your life experience and are constantly indicating whether you’re creating the life you want, or something other than that.

If you don’t believe that, it doesn’t matter because that’s what’s happening. The interesting thing about the stories you tell is (and stories are just thoughts, and “beliefs” are thoughts you think over and over) this: life will always show you evidence of the story you’re telling.

So in this quirky way, if you don’t believe what you’re reading right now, life is…right now…giving you all kinds of evidence to “prove” your thoughts and beliefs are “true”. Including other thoughts consistent with your story that this is not “true”. So your disbelief can’t be disproved.

The only thing you can do to prove to yourself what you’re reading is accurate is to try on new stories consistent with what you’re reading. I guarantee over 30 days, such a test will offer so much evidence you’ll begin to see life in a whole new way.

And from there, the sky’s the limit.

 

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When racism and transphobia look the same

racism-transphobiaIt’s an interesting question. This articlearticle takes a good, long look at that question. It begins with recounting the murder of a transwoman, so be forewarned…

The article’s main message is, you’re transphobic if you think a person who is trans needs to tell potential suitors that fact before they engage in a relationship. The argument goes that a person who is not attracted to transwomen will want to know ahead of time who they are getting involved with. Because if that person is transgender, there is a possibility the cis-person (or other variety of human) won’t choose to be with that person.

I guess the same argument could be made for being racist: if somehow black people could conceal their blackness, racists would want to know ahead of time whether the person they find themselves interested in is black, so they can check their interest.

Sounds dumb, right? I mean, in order for a person to want to be sure they aren’t interested in said black person is because they are somehow interested in them, right? Interestingly, we don’t have to worry about that because black people can’t conceal their blackness. Most anyway. As a result, people who make their partner choices based on skin color alone can merrily avoid all us niggers. lol.

Not so with transgender people apparently.

Which is the point, I think, of the article. Not that all transgender people conceal their trans ness…many actually do. Intentionally and unintentionally. But that’s not the point I’m making. I’m saying it’s quite possible that a person who is scared of being with a transgender person can easily find themselves attracted to a transgender person before discovering the person is indeed trans. I mean have you seen Dusty Rose? This of course has happened in many of the trans murder cases in recent years.

But being scared of a person because they are trans is an interesting thing.

The author puts it more plainly:

None of this means it is transphobic to not be attracted to individual trans people. Nor is it transphobic to not be attracted to specific genitals. But it is transphobic to claim to not be attracted to all trans, people. For example, there is a difference between saying you won’t go out with someone for having a penis and saying you won’t go out with someone because they’re trans.

It’s similar to someone saying they aren’t attracted to all black people. So is it a preference? Or is it phobia/racism?

Incidentally, many, many transwomen are racist if held to this same definition. Couldn’t a transwoman’s lack of interest in black men – because of their skin color – or some other aspect of their physical disposition, something they can’t help bing, be interpeted the same way?

You better believe it.

“Oh, but THAT’S a preference,” some will say….Not according to many,  many, many, many people. But not everyone. Some think it’s just prejudice. Others do think it’s a preference. So how is not wanting to be with a transwoman, even if a person is initially attracted to such a person, not a preference then? I think it depends on the story.

Dusty Rose
That’s Dusty Rose. And yes, she’s fine, period

After all, there are a LOT of black people, men too, who are loving, caring people. Just as there are probably similar such people among transwomen.

Here’s a great definition of racism: “people making negative assessments of large groups of individuals that they’ve never met, based solely on the color of their skin.” Replace “based solely on the color of their skin” with “based solely on their status outside the heteronormative binary”, and we start coming to some interesting parallels.

Suffice it to say this is an great example of why I wrote the post recently on why it’s so hard to be the “woke” police. Everyone has a picadillo or two. You’re bound to have yours exposed when you start exposing others. So it’s tough to call people racist or transphobic, especially in the grey areas. If a person is calling people racist slurs, or anti-trans slurs, or demeaning a person, or a group of people in either category on the basis of that alone, that’s one thing. But it gets really slippery when a person starts trying to parse out examples that could be just preference.

It’s far better – if you’re wanting to be happy – to leave all that shit to other people. It’s far better to create stories which create the best reality circumstances for your life and let other people live. If that means sometimes (in the early stages) meeting a dick, or a racist or a transphobe or two, so be it. In the end, those people won’t be able to find you….if you’re telling the right stories.

And you’ll live happily ever after.

 

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Lying isn’t going to work

Ladies: There is no way you are going to form a strong relationship foundation on a lie. Lying about who you are is not only disrespectful to any guy you might meet, it is disrespecting  you.

What kind of story are you telling yourself to feel like you have to lie about who and what you are?

“No men will ever want me.”  That’s just a story.

“Straight men don’t want to be with a transgender person.” That’s just a story too.

“I have to lie to get around being transgender.” so is that one.

Ok, so you consider yourself a Woman. Great. But you also have a unique path to being that which you are. And some men aren’t ok with it. That’s not a big deal! There are many who are!

But if you’re asking a guy to accept you as a person, but you’re not willing to share all that you are as the person you are, so the guy can make a fully-informed choice about being with you, then what’s the point?

There is no reason you have to lie about who and what you are in order to have what you want. Be yourself and be proud of that. Be patient and before you know it, in your integrity, you will find what you’re wanting. But you’ll never find it so long as you’re telling yourself that you need to lie about what and who you are.

This story is sad. But not because of what happened to her. It’s sad because of what she is doing to herself.