When Tamar signed up for her first 1:1 spiritual mentoring session almost two years ago, she was living in a tent in the backyard of a house she owned in Australia. Back then, Tamar had a dream, she said, of one day circumnavigating the Australian continent by sea…
I got this direct message (above) from her last week. Here’s Tamar’s story, in her own words:
“I used to live in a tent in the back yard of the house I owned. Now, I have found my joy like never before…and I’m free.
…I knew I was different at an early age. Gentle, caring, and quite frankly horrified at the expectations that were thrust upon me. I had no concept of being transgender back then. I tried to prove my masculinity, to others and myself, by working extremely “manly” jobs. Those jobs took their toll on my body. Finally owning my transgender identity took its toll on my marriage.
While I raised my four kids successfully, under a roof I paid for, before my transition, I was living estranged from my family and wife in a tent in the backyard of the house I spent all my working life affording.
Needless to say that fact left me bitter, resentful and unhappy.
The jobs I worked left me on disability. I used to think being transgender was a handful in and of itself. But in addition to that, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and an anxiety disorder.
I would literally have panic attacks when around crowds. Even the thought of being around strangers left me feeling exposed, anxious, fearful and alone. That’s to say nothing about finding a romantic male partner. For me, romance was not even on the table.
Then I encountered Positively Focused [our sister site]**. All along I knew myself to be a divine character, but my life experience and the stories I created were making a life that matched that seem like a pipe dream: how could I live who I knew myself to be when I faced so many obstacles?
So when I found Positively Focused, I was in an extremely negative space. And not just emotionally.
After just six Positively Focused sessions, I created an entirely new reality for myself. I’m now living in a nice apartment that came to me…seemingly miraculously.
I have more money, my privacy and I’m far, far from that living situation I dreaded every moment I was there.
But more importantly is how I feel. I’m in the best condition I’ve been in. Ever. Looking back at that first session, I don’t even recognize myself!
A new life has begun. A freer one. All my dreams I put on hold are in sight.
It’s great to be out of that tent. After I have settled in, and rested a while, I’ll be ready to find a friend.
It’s strange. Not long ago, I had given up on getting away from that old living situation. I had started shopping online for hiking gear, spending my money. I had come to the conclusion that if I was going to live in a tent anyway, the peace of the woods was better than where I was. I was getting ready to be homeless.
But then I received a call from a person I spoke to a couple of weeks ago. They gave me the unit I had asked for. I found it odd, that within hours of “letting go”, I was given what I wanted/needed.
Intriguing, and exciting also, perhaps.
Needless to say, I’ve benefitted tremendously from my Positively Focused experience. I realize my case may be extreme. But if Positively Focused can turn my life around, it can certainly do wonders for yours.”
Tamar wrote that in 2018. As I’ve said, as momentum increases, life gets better and better. For Tamar, that means living dreams once put on hold.
“Realists” criticize people who have their head in the clouds, who see the glass as overflowing. Pollyanna gets a bad wrap from people who think they’re being real, when they’re actually being pessimistic.
Meanwhile those who are Pollyanna – who see the world Positively Focused – are getting lives they love.
**Positively Focused is our sister site offering the same approach to life we do here at The Transamorous Network. To find out more about Positively Focused, click here. You get access to the same content by going through The Transamorous Network’s matchmaking service.
Last time I wrote about Joe (not his real name) a client who met his ideal match in a transgender woman. Joe was excited about this. He felt the Universe designed this gathering.
It did.
But the “why” wasn’t what Joe thought.
This post details what happened after Joe’s initial excitement and enthusiasm. It also sheds more light on our framework. Why it is so powerful. And why we guarantee you’ll get your ideal match.
That and a whole lot more. Let’s get started.
• • •
By his ninth session, Joe’s enthusiasm disappeared. He was low-energy. Not the excited person from our cancelled seventh session.
Turns out Cassandra (not her real name either), the transgender woman he met, hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Despondent, Joe had all kinds of negative stories about why. Stories about the experience. Stories about himself. Stories about our approach.
Joe’s grumpiness matched all these stories. Joe thought something went wrong.
Nothing went wrong.
Instead, Joe’s life experience showed him what he must change if he wants his ideal partner. Remy says this all the time. If you want your ideal match you must become a match to them.
Joe is not yet a match. So he drew to himself someone who matches where he is. The gift of this perfect relationship connection is, it showed this to him.
That doesn’t mean he liked what he saw.
But had he been able to, he would have benefitted even more from the experience.
Life is eternal. You always get more chances so nothing is lost. Nothing goes wrong. Ever.
The relationships with Cassandra didn’t show up as the relationship Joe wanted. But it did show Joe many of his disempowering stories.
And it showed him how his relationship behavior matches those stories.
Joe moved too fast. His stories about relationship scarcity caused had him cling to this relationship. As if there weren’t going to be any others.
Out of his desperation to have a relationship, he asked Cassandra if she was seeing anyone else, implying energetically, of course, that he’d prefer he be the only one she was seeing.
After all, he wasn’t seeing anyone else. But the reason he wasn’t seeing anyone else wasn’t because he had other opportunities. It’s because he is grasping desperately for THE relationship. Instead of enjoying life.
When Cassandra said she was seeing others, Joe played it off. But it was obvious in our call that answer was not the right one. It did match his stories though.
• • •
We know at The Transamorous Network that stories create reality. We also know momentum of stories told often enough can’t be avoided. That’s not how life works.
To slow old story momentum, a person must tell new stories. New stories which, over time, will build enough momentum in their own right. Meanwhile, old story momentum deactivates. They have less effect on reality. Including one’s behaviors.
Joe didn’t focus on new stories after that exchange. That focus takes effort, which is why we offer our framework. Joe is only starting. So he doesn’t realize yet how to check in with his emotions early enough to halt old story momentum.
It’s a rare skill among people. Hardly anyone has the discipline and rigor to do such work on their own. Hardly anyone understands why we have emotions. We offer our framework for that reason.
So rather than focusing on new stories he is working on in our sessions, Joe allowed his old stories to continue creating his reality. Disappointment he felt isn’t about how the relationship turned out (it ended). Although that’s what Joe thinks is the reason he’s disappointed. He feels disappointment (and frustration and sadness and more) because he’s focusing on his reality. The reality his old stories are creating. Realities not matching what he wants.
Again, Joe is just starting. So he doesn’t get how important it is to understand the purpose of emotions. So instead of using his emotions they way they’re intended, he tries to behave in spite of them.
Meanwhile, his behavior faithfully creates outcomes matching his old stories.
For example, one night frustrated in not hearing from Cassandra, Joe drunk-dialed her. That didn’t go well.
Drunk-dialing is a classic knee-jerk reaction to strong negative emotions triggered by negative stories about relationships playing out in physical reality. Thinking that behavior would bring relief, people drink to numb the emotion.
But alcohol amplifies negative emotion. It adds momentum to stories. That momentum draws to it other stories like it. Your stories are living things. Not just words. Stories like company. They draw to themselves stories like themselves. That’s how story or belief constellations happen.
That’s also why drinking to numb pain usually begins a downward spiral. When it comes to a “failed” relationship, that spiral often includes drunk-dialing.
Remember, in the last post I cautioned Joe about what was happening. I said Cassandra was a perfect match to Joe’s stories. That she is a perfect match is an excellent indicator.
What do I mean by that?
I mean, Joe got to see exactly how his stories create his reality. A reality which includes transgender women not all that interested in Joe for Joe.
To Joe, she seemed interested. At first. But later she wasn’t.
By our ninth session, Joe was not in a good place at all. He couldn’t see the extraordinary benefit of a relationship like the one he got.
• • •
Then one day, Cassandra contacted him after a long absence. He said she asked him to pay for something for her. Joe didn’t have the money. He hasn’t heard from her since telling her so.
Of course, Joe’s old beliefs showed up again. “That’s all she wanted me for”, He told me during our session.
That story can be extended more broadly about all his relationships with transgender women, women who usually are sex workers.
Joe left session nine pretty negative.
If Joe continues the work, this could be a turning point for him. His stories are screaming out loud. Now that he has some grounding in “Stories” and how they create reality, he is getting first hand experience in his own life experience how stories do that.
He’s not happy about that.
But this is the process. It’s how it works.
I reminded Joe his unhappiness is an emotion telling him something important. It’s telling him his stories about this situation aren’t consistent with what’s really happening.
Again, of course, Joe didn’t want to hear this. He defended his stories as “true”, which they are. But he refused to understand that they are only true because his stories have created a reality consistent with them. They are no more true than any other story he might tell often enough to create momentum and a new reality consistent with that.
And that is the work. Using one’s life experience as a living classroom, our framework shows clients how to tell new stories. New stories told frequent enough so their reality changes to match them.
Then they have a new truth. A life experience that contains everything they want.
Including their ideal partner.
Joe is continuing the work. We’ll see whether his relationship with Cassandra was the last one he’ll let his old stories dictate.
In only six sessions learning the The Transamorous Network match-making approach, a client of ours created the perfect relationship with his ideal transgender partner.
In this post and the next, I’ll dissect what happened. This is how it can happen for anyone. In the next post, I’ll detail what happened next.
Joe (not his real name), contacted The Transamorous Network through our free 1:1 offer. Like many clients, he desperately wants a relationship with a transgender woman. Desperation is not a great place from which to meet someone.
But it is a great place to examine your stories. And how your reality reflects back to you stories you’re telling.
Information Joe got from the free 1:1 convinced him our match-making service worth the money. So he became a member.
• • •
The first few sessions involved exploring stories producing behaviors he didn’t like. He frequents working girls (both trans and cis) late at night or in early morning dark hours. Like many trans-attracted men.
Some of these girls were/are drug-addicted. Others treated him like shit. Others treated him nicely. He has a mix of experiences reflecting his mix of stories about relationships and life, and women too. Both transgender and cisgender.
We explored how his stories create these experiences. Joe realized stories he didn’t know he had. Stories triggering desperation he felt about finding a partner. The same stories creating his experiences with women, including the kinds of women he met.
Desperation isn’t new to Joe. Some times in his life desperation (and the associated emotion “pain”) got so intense he contemplated suicide. Alongside relationship desperation, Joe also feels desperation about his life, his job and about himself. Stories triggering these feelings include one common to A LOT of people. Especially trans-attracted people. That story is “I’m not worthy of having what I want.”
• • •
We know at The Transamorous Network stories run deep. They connect with other stories, creating “belief constellations” or “story complexes” weaving through and shaping life experience.
It wasn’t surprising then when I found through our next sessions that Joe’s mother herself was and may still be drug addicted. She also had a working girl past.
No one comes into life experiences that are “too much to handle”. Everyone chooses the experience they get before they get it. Hardly anyone understands this.
At The Transamorous Network, we help people understand why and how that is. Then we show them how to use that awareness to get joy and satisfaction from life and relationships. The same joy and satisfaction they knew they would get when they chose human life experience.
Our stories create our reality. This includes stories we tell before becoming human. These stories set up birth circumstances. Yes, that includes being trans and trans-attracted. It also includes the parents we choose.
I explained why a person like Joe would come into the world through a parent who has sex work and drug addiction as part of her life experience. I described how those experiences create momentum. And how that momentum creates the reality he has. It wasn’t an easy conversation. But Joe got it.
We always say when you pull at one story, many others get uncovered. By our fifth session, Joe realized more long-running stories. Stories about his unworthiness as a person. Stories about how the transwomen he wants won’t accept him for who he is and what he has (and doesn’t have). Stories about feeling stuck in his job. Feeling shame about where he is in life.
In other words, stories a lot of humanity secretly shares. Stories you probably share.
What’s great about this work is, once stories get uncovered, sometimes they start resolving on their own. They kind of lose their grip when exposed to the light of conscious awareness. Automatically, again in some cases, new stories get born from that exposure. Those new stories can create explosive positive results.
That’s what happened to Joe.
• • •
Before our sixth session, Joe texted me. He said he needed to cancel our meeting. I asked why. He explained he met a transgender woman, was going on a daytime date with her and was excited about the potential. A daytime date was unusual for Joe. As I said, he typically meets transgender women at night.
“Yes I’m actually hanging out with a new trans woman friend of mine,” he said via text. “We met Tuesday and hung out a couple of times and have been talking since. I like her a lot. She’s treats me well.”
I wasn’t surprised by this. This is how things work when someone starts seriously looking at their stories. But I was also concerned about Joe.
That’s because Joe got results we promise. But he doesn’t know something important. His old stories are still active in his life experience. So it’s a sure bet this transgender woman he met has her own stories. Stories matching Joe’s stories. Stories she may not be aware of.
So I clued him in:
Joe responded that he already has been seeing some of those signs. That’s why, he wrote, “I’m working to be the best version of myself. The work that you and I are doing is working!!! 😀”
Joe said when they first talked, they realized they both needed each other.
“I know the Universe orchestrated our meeting,” he wrote. “I was finishing up at a warehouse where I picked up a load and she was finishing work around the same time and we were really near one another….”
Joe added that he already can see how his stories about transgender women have changed because, he said, “along with being very kind and cool person, she has a good job, makes good money and has a nice place in a nice neighborhood.”
Indeed.
We know our approach is out of the box. That’s why we guarantee our results. Joe’s example is normal. Anyone can meet their match and enjoy a relationship that works for them. It just takes changing your stories so that you can meet the person you want. The person who is waiting for you. Your perfect match.
Everyone is born with unique talents. That includes you. Especially you if you’re transgender or trans-attracted. You’re the vangaurd of humanity. You’re special.
You also come with tendencies. Tendencies leaning toward expressing those talents. Feeling those tendencies then following them will change your life.
It is not possible to come to earth with no passions, skills, strengths or direction. Are you feeling like you have none of these? Are you bored about life? Feel stuck in a rut? The problem isn’t what you’re doing.
It’s how you’re thinking.
You brought everything with you needed to live your greatest life ever. Including having the love you want. Living your greatest life hinges on being happy.
Happiness is an emotion you conjure deliberately. When you don’t, it comes and goes.
Here’s the secret to living your greatest life ever and getting the love you want: Be happy first.
There’s a reason you feel bored or tired or sad or unfulfilled. It’s saying “How you are thinking right now needs to change if you want what you want.”
Same is true if you feel shame about being trans-attracted, sad, confused or in despair over dysphoria from being trans, or feeling depressed, lonely or anxiety-ridden.
· · ·
Ask someone “what is the purpose of emotions?” You won’t get the answer you just got. Yet it is key to everything.
Not many people know you can become happy in a few seconds. No matter what is happening. Not knowing this, happiness is fleeting.
But happiness can be permanent. Learning to conjure happiness is all it takes.
“How do you conjure it?” you ask.
I’ll get to that. But first, let’s spend some time exploring why being happy first gets you all you want.
Happiness is the key. It’s more than just an emotion. (photo: Artem Bali)
Happy matters…a lot
What if you had two options:
Option A:
Go to gay bars, deal with trolls and gold digging transgender women, men on the DL and transgender women that haven’t figured themselves out. Or join online dating sites, sift through all kinds of men totally clueless about what it means to be transgender, or transgender women who are only looking for six pack abs, young guys, and “straight men”. You kiss a lot of toads, remain single and struggling, despondent and sad until, some time later….through all kinds of trials and struggles…you find him or her or them.
Whether it’s a relationship or a job or a place to live or love many people default to option A.
Option A gives you great stories to tell. “War wounds” galore. Maybe your marriage failed along the way if you’re trans-attracted and married. Or you got disowned from your family if you’re transgender. Maybe you got your heart broken by that guy who turned out to be married. Or that transgender woman who really didn’t know what she wanted, but realized not you.
There are tons of people out there who will commiserate. Hey, you made it! You found love! And I feel you girl! It’s not easy!
Sure you might be in relationship now. But you might not be. And if you are, you might lose it. A lot of people who find love lose it. In wake of that, they’re bitter, depressed, lonely and heart-broken.
This way, happiness comes in two or three minutes instead of after you finally find that relationship. At that point, you have what you want: you’re happy. After all, that’s why you want that relationship or whatever. You think it will make you happy.
That kind of happiness is Option A. In Option B you get that relationship too. It comes far easier, and, through the entire way you’re already happy. But it doesn’t end there.
The right people, the right timing, the right jobs, the right events, the right places to live, the right amount of money…all these things come with little effort on your part. Day after day, what you want starts happening.
You’re getting what you’re wanting. What’s more, happiness replaces struggle, stress and anxiety.
Along the way, your connection to that larger you grows. You lose fears, including the fear of death. Anxiety goes away. What others think worries you less. You realize you’re eternal. Life becomes fun. And happiness becomes permanent.
To me, the choice is clear.
· · ·
Option B happens exactly like this. Here’s why that is, and why happiness matters.
Photo: Hans Vivek
Happiness more than an emotion. It serves a critical purpose. It tells you when got your stories right.
Telling the right stories connects you with your larger self. The part of you you project yourself from into physical reality. You’re “here” on earth. But you’re also “there” in the timeless, spacious present of the now.
The moment you decide you want something, you have it in the spacious present. But you don’t get what you want in physical reality as quickly. Why? Because things happen slower here. That’s a good thing.
How many times have you said, for example, something like “I wish that jerk would die, he’s such a dick!” or “I wish I never married my wife. She’s such a bitch!” or “I wish you were never born”?
It’s a good thing you don’t immediately get what you want. Your life would be crazier than it is.
Things don’t have to happen as slow as they do though. They can happen faster. What’s slowing them up? I’m going to tell you.
Your life experience composes a constellation of events all shaped by your stories. (Photo: Frederik de Wit)
You have access to great power. It knows all potential outcomes. It knows All That Is. It knows everything you want. It has everything you want. It knows how you can have all you want.
What would that part of you feel? If it has everything you want, wouldn’t it be happy, excited, free, joyful and fulfilled, eager and blissful?
Of course it would.
Well that power you have access is you. So is the you here on Earth. When you’re feeling happy, excited, free, joyful and fulfilled, you see the world the same way your power sees it. Seeing the world that way tunes you to your power. That’s why when you do tune in you feel all these positive emotions. Including happiness.
Your power is intelligent. It also loves you. It wants you to have everything it has. It’s always sending you messages that, if followed, lead you to everything your power has…which is all you can have.
When you’re in tune, you’re able to hear those messages. They feel like intuition, or hunches.
That you can feel happiness (or not happy) is how you tell if you’re tuned to your power. When you’re happy, you’re in tune. When you’re not, you’re not in tune. It’s that simple.
The less in tune you are, the less you can hear your messages. Life is harder when you can’t hear your messages. That’s why being happy first is so important. It tells you when the communication channel between you and you is open. And when it is open, you’re lead to all you want.
So happiness must be something you can conjure at will. Otherwise you couldn’t hear what you’re sending.
So, back to the question: “how do you conjure happiness”?
The answer: by learning to think deliberately. So “thinking” is important?
· · ·
Not only is thinking important, how you think is important too.
Yet hardly anyone teaches “how to think” in school or anywhere else.
You can learn how to think critically. Or how to think like an engineer. Or a lawyer. That instruction teaches how to be productive in a given field.
But hardly anyone teaches how to think so you can be happy in life.
I’m going to teach you right now.
Think your way to happiness
Photo: Aaron Huber
Usually people think happiness happens when something they want happens.
I get a new car. I’m happy!
I get a job. I’m happy!
I had a great time last night. I was happy!
When I meet the guy of my dreams, I’ll be happy!
Happiness does happen that way. But only when people don’t know what you’re reading.
As I wrote above, happiness can be a permanent condition. It’s actually supposed to be that way. Meaning, it can happen in sucky situations too.
It all depends on how you think. Not what is happening.
Let’s say you’re on a blind date. The person you’re out with turned out to be nothing like what you want. Or maybe you’re buying a coffee and someone misgenders you. Or you’re trans-attracted and worried your wife is going to find your YouTube or PornTube History.
Your irritation, frustration, disappointment, anger or fear or dread is not happiness. That means you’re not tuned into your power. You’re not deliberately thinking.
But you can be tuned in. And you can be happy now, even though you’re with someone you see no potential in or you’re being misgendered, or you’re worried about your spouse discovering your trans-attraction.
How?
Think of something positive long enough until happiness shows up.
It’s that simple.
So you’re on your date. The person you’re with is not at all your type. You feel negative or disgusted. You’re thinking “why am I wasting my time here?” or complaining about how this person looks or something like that.
Let’s say you’ve been misgendered. Immediately you’re angry. You may not know it, but maybe you’re thinking “how could this happen again!” “I can’t believe this is happening!” “How dare she/he” or, “OMG! What are people thinking right now! How embarrassing!”
Or perhaps you’re worried about your wife finding out your trans-attracted. You’re fearful, insecure, anxious and always looking around your shoulder. You’re thinking “Oh god, what happens if she wants to divorce me?” “What if she finds out I’ve been having sex with escorts?” “What if our son finds out?” “What will she do to me?”.
Blind date, the coffee shop, your marriage. These are stories you’re telling about the situation. That’s all they are. They are not the truth, they are just a story. So here is how to be happy, even in these three circumstances.
First, turn your attention to something that pleases you in the moment. The clothes you’re wearing, for example. Perhaps they are some of your favorite clothes. Think about how much you like those clothes. How well they fit, how good you look in them. Think about the compliment you got on the bus on the way to work, or how good you looked in the mirror.
It would go like this:
I really like how I look in this
I like how I feel in this
These clothes make me look (hot, professional, skinny, feminine, etc)
I look (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
I like looking (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
I like feeling (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
You could think about your best friend, or someone else you know you really care about. Think about how much you like that person. Think about how much you like talking with them, how they make you laugh maybe. Think specific thoughts about them similar to the ones above:
I’m so glad so-and-so is in my life
I’m eager to see this person again
It was cool so-and-so called me last night
I’m glad I can rely on him/her/them
I like having them in my life.
Maybe you really like the way you have recently reorganized your home. Think about how much you like your space now. Think about how good that feels to you. Think about how good it feels to you to turn a messy space into an organized one. Think specific thoughts about it like the ones above:
I really like being organized
I like having everything in their place
It feels good to be organized
I feel best when my space is ordered
It’s nice to see clutter turn to order
Your thinking doesn’t have to be monumental. It doesn’t have to be about your current situation either. It only needs to trigger positive feelings. How and why this happens is too detailed for this piece. I’ll describe the mechanics another time.
Photo: Oleg Ivanov
While thinking these thoughts, pay attention to your feelings. First you’ll be feeling what you originally felt, disappointment, anger or fear or embarrassment or worry.
But as you think on purpose, you’ll feel different. You might feel a less negative emotion first. For example, your embarrassment might turn into pessimism or your frustration might turn into mild annoyance. This is progress.
Keep thinking on purpose and you’ll find yourself feeling relief. Then positive feelings like optimism, hopefulness and…eventually happiness. If you can keep going you might realize yourself feeling enjoyment about your date, or you not caring about what the barista did. Or you may feel love and compassion about your wife instead of anxiety over her discovering your trans-attraction.
Now you’re having a totally different experience than you were having before. If you’re on a date, you might actually start enjoying the date, even though you may not see any future with the person. If you’re in the coffee shop, you might find presence of mind to make the experience a teaching moment for the barista. If you’re at home, you might feel an overwhelming sense to do something to resolve the situation. Like tell her. Or search for a way to tell her.
A married transamorous man’s message to us here at The Transamorous Network.
So the key is to turn your attention to something other than what you’re thinking about. Something more positive than what you’re thinking about right now. You’ll find your feelings will change too. Keep it up and your experience will change too as your mood improves.
The moment you notice your mood improve, turn your thinking to that. Acknowledge what you just did. You changed how you’re feeling without changing your situation. Note how much better you’re feeling. It feels better than you felt just a few moments ago. Congratulate yourself. Say, “Wow, in just a few seconds, I changed my experience from X (negative emotion) to Y (better feelings). That’s pretty neat!” Come up with five or six other thoughts:
This is new and exciting.
Hmm, I like how this feels
I like that I can do this.
I feel a whole lot better
Wow, now I’m feeling even better!
In a few thoughts, you’ll find yourself thinking different, but related, thoughts:
I wonder how far this can go?
Could it be this easy?
This is actually kind of fun!
I’m glad I tried this!
As you stay on that track, you might feel or hear your thoughts change. Notice them change to other pleasing things. For example, you might find yourself thinking about the sex you had last night. Focus on that and you’ll find yourself feeling other…er…sensations 😀.
Keep it up and your feelings will get increasingly positive. And yet, your conditions still haven’t changed. You’re still on a blind date that hasn’t changed. Or you’re still in the coffee shop. Or you’re still married to a cis-woman.
· · ·
Practice with obvious things until you’re good at it. Maybe you like how you look. Or you like some talent you have. Maybe you like a particular television show. Or you like a particular person. Practice with those.
Then move to less obvious topics:
Think about how cool it is that you woke up today.
Or that your body functions mostly without your attention.
Or that you really like the color of your room.
Or that the sun comes up every day
Or that there is plenty of air to breathe
So now you changed your reality. You were feeling negative, or sad, or embarrassed or anxious. Your life experience reflected that: a boring date you’d prefer to escape; a close-minded barista who said something negative; a marriage you’ve outgrown. Now you’re happy or close to it. You’ve also created a new physicalreality. Your positive emotions come with physical experiences. A smile on your face, a stirring in your loins maybe, a lighter disposition. You may even see the difference.
There are changes happening you can’t see too. Not at first. Your entire life experience is changing. It is tuning into experiences leading to what you’re wanting. Not just one of those things either. All of them.
Your blind date may suddenly say something that interests you or makes you laugh. Or the barista may apologize, not intending to slip with the wrong pronoun, or someone may correct the barista for you. Or you might find some resources to help you navigate through your marriage, or your wife may approach you and say something out of left field like “I love you no matter what, you know that?” in response to her deep knowing already that you’re trans-attracted.
In other words, you’re not doing this to just feel good. Your life experience is changing. You’re also doing this to feel messages your broader perspective constantlysends you. This is where your impulses come in.
Photo: Tim Foster
As you gain more thinking skill something else happens: You get an impulse to do something. It will be subtle. It will be more feeling than words. It might feel like “go to the bathroom”, for example.
Let’s say that’s it. You’re in the coffee shop. You’ve changed your thoughts. Then, you get the sense to go to the bathroom. You may not have the biological urge to go. So it may make no logical sense. But when you get it, go.
When you do, when you come out, you might bump into someone you were thinking about. Or you might get a text or call from someone you know. Or a call from someone you’ve been wanting to hear from. Coming out of the bathroom, you might run into a co-worker who says, “I was just thinking about you.” and offer you something unexpected and surprising.
When that happens, you’ve gotten exactly what I described in the beginning of this post: Things happening with little effort on your part. The only action you took was changing what you’re thinking about and following your impulse to go to the bathroom.
This is Option B brought to life.
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You want to practice this until you do it automatically. In the same way you think now. Look at your thoughts. They probably come and go on their own.
That’s practiced. You’re not thinking on purpose. That can change.
The more you practice, the more you’ll get “hunches” or “impulses”. Of course, as you practice, you’ll get what look like false impulses. You’ll take action and it will seem nothing beneficial happened. These are actually true though. Something beneficial did happen.
For example, say you went to the bathroom and nothing happened. But something did happen. Feel, then act. Notice how you’re feeling and thinking. You might be thinking “this was dumb”, or “I look like an idiot”.
Those thoughts are telling you something. They are saying “you think what people think about you is more important than getting what you want”.
Why else would you care about how you look to other people? Embarrassment is an emotion triggered by this belief. If you’re feeling embarrassment or stupid, you’ve cut off communication between you and you.
Now hear this: You wouldn’t have known this thought is keeping you from hearing your messages if “nothing happened”, right? So something happened: you got clear about something you needed to know to get what you want.
So when you feel an impulse after tuning into your power, either:
A. Take action immediately. Go talk to that person, go to the bathroom, take a nap or whatever. Then see what happens. If something happens that feels like nothing, for now you have to take on faith that something did happen. In time, you’ll become more aware of what’s happening.
B. Wait. Take no action until the feeling to act is so persistent you must follow it. THEN act as in point A above.
At first, you might have a hard time feeling impulses. Getting used to telling the difference between an impulse and a random thought takes practice.
Mindfulness, i.e. paying attention will allow permanent happiness. (Photo: Lesly Juarez)
Still, can you see how this practice turns your life into an amazing adventure?
At first, you’ll get a lot of “false” results. But those “false” results aren’t false. You just can’t yet understand how they aren’t.
Keep going though and life fills in with subjects and interests and people matching your passions, skills, strengths and desires. You also learn how to see things working out for you more easily.
Eventually you’re following your tendencies regularly. And they are leading you to all you’re wanting.
But…
Doing this process once or twice it’s not enough. You’ll feel good for a moment. But your old habits (automatic thinking) will return. This is why people who try these things end up failing. They don’t apply themselves enough.
Want to get everything you want and live happily ever after? Repeat these steps over and over. For how long? Until thinking this way is as natural as the way you think now.
Then through telling these new stories you’ll come into your power.
And then you have it all, including lasting happiness.
