My divorce wasn’t because I’m transamorous. It came after a long series of unrelated events. Events requiring my ex-wife and I going our separate ways as different people with different desires.
I can give more detail. But that won’t help.
What is helpful is this: if you’re trans-attracted, married to someone other than a trans woman, and you find yourself desiring transgender women, you can stay married.
But you’ll be happier married to a trans woman if marriage is what you want.
Authenticity will win in the end. That means your trans-attraction will win. It’s winning now. Why do you think you’re reading this? 😂😂😳
That eager, irresistible desire? That’s your authenticity. Like gay people who finally own their authenticity and trans people too, you will as well. It is inevitable.
When you do, the whole world will benefit. You will too. So will your current spouse.
Are you ready?
Maybe you’re ready. Maybe you’re impatient. Impatience can speed things up. But a natural end to your marriage, rather than a blow up, feels better. It’s a smoother ride. And, through patience, allowing life its way, you and your wife will part in peace.
Maybe you think you can’t be patient. That’s why we are here. Maybe you already shared this part of you with your spouse, and, like my clients, you’re trying to figure out what comes next.
When that’s through, and your marriage too, you still must reconcile stories shaping unwanted realities. Realities that include inauthentic marriages.
You, your spouse, your marriage, and everything else in contact with you is colored. It’s colored by tension you carry in you. That tension, as well as the eager desire you have for transgender women, tells you something. It tells you you have strong stories expressing strong desire.
Those stories and your desire will not be denied.
You know fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, right? Of those who stay together, some last. But in some large number of that lasting group, two unhappy people are ignoring their unhappiness.
That’s no fun. Life is supposed to be fun. Part of that fun includes your trans-attraction.
Your trans-attraction isn’t about you alone. It’s also about every person with whom you interact. Most important, your trans-attraction is about those transgender women (or men) you find yourself attracted to.
That’s because you add to others’ lives as others add to your own. You help people you’re drawn to. You do that by loving them and appreciating them. Loving and appreciating them in the open.
When you do, that love and appreciation returns to you. You love yourself more. You have more fun. You have better relationships.
Your trans-attraction holds great benefit for you. As it does for others. Ignore it and the benefit eludes you.
You can’t hide
The moment I chose living authentically, not only did I find more transgender women in my life, I felt lighter and freer. No longer living a lie, life got easier.
Believe it or not, your wife and everyone else involved already knows you’re trans-attracted. Whether you’ve used words to tell them or not, they pick up on it through their inner knowing.
They don’t consciously know they know. They have a feeling. That feeling effects how they treat you, how they react to you, and how you react to them.
I once spoke with a married trans-attracted man whose marriage included arguments and drama. Both parties played their part. Both reacted to the other. Sure, there were surface level issues. But these issues didn’t warrant the drama. I told this guy his drama and arguments with his wife came from his inauthenticity. He said that felt true.
Partners know what’s going on. They don’t know they know, but they know. You can’t hide.
Your heart’s desire: She’s out there
Here’s what I know about being married to a cisgender woman while being transamorous. Maybe it will help you.
Compromising my trans-attraction felt shitty.
My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.
My wife knew something was up, her anger, frustration and dissatisfaction tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen until much later.
You’re going to be ok. But you must go all the way.
Ultimately you’re married to someone other than your heart’s desire because for some reason you think or thought your heart’s desire isn’t out there waiting for you. They are out there.
But your impatience had you compromise your dream. That’s what I did.
Or you believe you’re not worthy of having what you want. Mainly (likely) because others convinced you that what you want is wrong.
What you want is right.
What you get from marriage you can get outside it. If you really want to be married, marry your heart’s desire.
Do that and you’ll feed many birds with one scone. You’ll change the world. You’ll change. And you’ll change the world of a trans woman.
Just by being authentically you. Then you can be married…to a transgender woman.
Confused. Well not confused, conflicted. That’s a better word. I was very clear about what I was thinking back then…but also conflicted.
Conflicted because I believed society (friends, family, strangers too) would shame me if it knew me. Conflicted because I wanted to be myself, but feared I’d lose my job if people knew.
I knew I was “not straight”.
That’s a terrible way to tell that story. Because it puts the “straight” story at center of everything. As if being “straight” is the same as “normal”.
It’s not.
A better way is to say I have a strong story (among many strong stories) about transgender women being highly attractive.
I felt this way for some time. I was exploring it when I was younger. Back then it felt dangerous. Men, you know what I mean.
I also felt self-shame about it. Back then, I was, like a lot of people, really worried about what others thought of me. I was afraid of being myself because being myself was not acceptable according to what I saw and read. Back then I didn’t know my life experience comes from my stories. I believed what others thought about me was important.
It’s not.
Nevertheless, my shame came from those beliefs. Those stories also shaped my life experience. A life experience in which I only had access to things -– people and events – that confirmed those stories.
The emotion I felt – the shame – was telling me something important. Back then, I didn’t know what that was.
Now I do.
786.291.1990
Although I never did it simultaneously with dating someone, I did do it in between partners. I saw these trans sex workers under cover of darkness. Or in my own home at night.
There’s one story about someone I want to share. I recently got reacquainted with it. This is going to be deep.
It has to do with dating what I thought at the time was a cis woman and how our experience together shaped the ensuing 20 years for both of us. That person may still be cis. I don’t know. I’ve never asked.
• • •
One evening long ago, a winter storm struck where I live. Three to four feet of snow blanketed everything. My best friend at the time and I went out in it. It was fun. After our time together, I headed to a local bar alone. I wanted a scotch to warm the cockles.
I sat at the bar. There was another person there. We made eye contact, then we ended up talking. I noticed some things about them that, reflecting on those moments now, indicated how my worries about being perceived by others, shaped how I behaved, what I said and what I was willing and not willing to do.
I’ve always been pretty honest. But I’m not 100 percent honest. Is anyone? Still, I care a lot about being direct as I can so people know where I’m at. But that requires being clear about where I’m at.
Back then I wasn’t very clear…I was conflicted.
This person and I saw each other a few times. I remember as clear as day my reactions to this person’s physical appearance and the shame I felt about potentially being seen with them and what “they” – people in the world – would think…ABOUT ME.
Intolerable shame-based scenarios played out in my mind.
So one day, I told this person I couldn’t continue seeing them. I told them why. But when I said what I said, I didn’t own what was going on with me. Instead of telling this person how I felt, instead of saying something like:
“I’m sorry, Jen (not their real name) I’m too wrapped up in believing how I think others think about me is more important than what I want. I enjoy being with you. But I’m afraid of what people might say about me when I’m out in public with you.”
Instead of saying something like that, owning my story as mine, I made my discomfort about Jen’s appearance. Ironically, their appearance was gender non-conforming. And that threatened my self-image. A self-image based on an unhealthy concern about what others thought about me.
I made my story about Jen, in other words. Jen took that information not very well. I didn’t find out until some 20 years later.
Last week, I posted on Facebook a Mother Goose magazine article. It features me talking about The Transamorous Network and the work the network is doing. Jen saw this post, then sent me a direct message on Facebook:
It’s been a long time.
I’ve come a long way in the ensuing decades. I’ve learned a lot about myself.
• • •
I’m sharing this to show I was where many men reading this are right now. Maybe they’re struggling with shame and embarrassment over what they like, what they’re attracted to. That shame can drive a lot of behavior that spills into others’ lives.
Sometimes with long-lasting effect.
But here’s the thing about all this. And if you’re following my other blog and website, Positively Focused, this won’t be surprising.
Life experience is a massive co-creative endeavor. Our stories don’t only effect us. They effect everyone around us. That’s why in client sessions, I equate life experience to being a movie. We all create our life experience from what we think. Others in our lives reflect what we’re thinking back to us.
In that way, others are co-creative partners in our own movie making. Just as we are partners in theirs. I don’t expect anyone to agree with this. But life experience will show how accurate what I’m sharing is.
In my case, I know I met Jen as a waypoint on my path to where I am now. Jen’s appearance and my discomfort reflected stories I had at the time about being with a gender-nonconforming person. She represented both my desires and my negative beliefs playing out right in front of me.
And I know I played the same role for Jen. I presented Jen with stories and negative beliefs Jen had. In other words, we served each other. Whether Jen sees that, I don’t know. But Jen certainly sees the benefit our interaction has had on me and the network.
Which is why when Jen sent this part of their message:
I resonated so wonderfully with it.
Jen is right.
• • •
I can say being where I am, and having been where I was, that the path you may be on, no matter how painful it feels, offers so many wonderful opportunities. Opportunities just waiting for you to pick and enjoy. Like delicious, ripe fruit.
Keep going and you may someday enjoy similar wonderful reconnections with people you think you hurt. People who feel you hurt them. And instead of feeling embarrassment and shame over your past acts, you may feel resonance and appreciation.
As I do.
I see the “delicious irony” of the co-creation.
These days I know everything in my life experience benefits not only me, but everyone with whom I connect.
We’re never alone. Everything is working out for me, you and everyone else. Even those who may claim were victimized by you. They weren’t victimized. They benefitted. It just may take a while before they realize that.
Hopefully not 20 years. But it doesn’t matter. We’re all eternal.
Your life is going perfectly. Take it from a guy just like you.
When Tamar signed up for her first 1:1 spiritual mentoring session almost two years ago, she was living in a tent in the backyard of a house she owned in Australia. Back then, Tamar had a dream, she said, of one day circumnavigating the Australian continent by sea…
I got this direct message (above) from her last week. Here’s Tamar’s story, in her own words:
“I used to live in a tent in the back yard of the house I owned. Now, I have found my joy like never before…and I’m free.
…I knew I was different at an early age. Gentle, caring, and quite frankly horrified at the expectations that were thrust upon me. I had no concept of being transgender back then. I tried to prove my masculinity, to others and myself, by working extremely “manly” jobs. Those jobs took their toll on my body. Finally owning my transgender identity took its toll on my marriage.
While I raised my four kids successfully, under a roof I paid for, before my transition, I was living estranged from my family and wife in a tent in the backyard of the house I spent all my working life affording.
Needless to say that fact left me bitter, resentful and unhappy.
The jobs I worked left me on disability. I used to think being transgender was a handful in and of itself. But in addition to that, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and an anxiety disorder.
I would literally have panic attacks when around crowds. Even the thought of being around strangers left me feeling exposed, anxious, fearful and alone. That’s to say nothing about finding a romantic male partner. For me, romance was not even on the table.
Then I encountered Positively Focused [our sister site]**. All along I knew myself to be a divine character, but my life experience and the stories I created were making a life that matched that seem like a pipe dream: how could I live who I knew myself to be when I faced so many obstacles?
So when I found Positively Focused, I was in an extremely negative space. And not just emotionally.
After just six Positively Focused sessions, I created an entirely new reality for myself. I’m now living in a nice apartment that came to me…seemingly miraculously.
I have more money, my privacy and I’m far, far from that living situation I dreaded every moment I was there.
But more importantly is how I feel. I’m in the best condition I’ve been in. Ever. Looking back at that first session, I don’t even recognize myself!
A new life has begun. A freer one. All my dreams I put on hold are in sight.
It’s great to be out of that tent. After I have settled in, and rested a while, I’ll be ready to find a friend.
It’s strange. Not long ago, I had given up on getting away from that old living situation. I had started shopping online for hiking gear, spending my money. I had come to the conclusion that if I was going to live in a tent anyway, the peace of the woods was better than where I was. I was getting ready to be homeless.
But then I received a call from a person I spoke to a couple of weeks ago. They gave me the unit I had asked for. I found it odd, that within hours of “letting go”, I was given what I wanted/needed.
Intriguing, and exciting also, perhaps.
Needless to say, I’ve benefitted tremendously from my Positively Focused experience. I realize my case may be extreme. But if Positively Focused can turn my life around, it can certainly do wonders for yours.”
Tamar wrote that in 2018. As I’ve said, as momentum increases, life gets better and better. For Tamar, that means living dreams once put on hold.
“Realists” criticize people who have their head in the clouds, who see the glass as overflowing. Pollyanna gets a bad wrap from people who think they’re being real, when they’re actually being pessimistic.
Meanwhile those who are Pollyanna – who see the world Positively Focused – are getting lives they love.
**Positively Focused is our sister site offering the same approach to life we do here at The Transamorous Network. To find out more about Positively Focused, click here. You get access to the same content by going through The Transamorous Network’s matchmaking service.
At The Transamorous Network we talk about finding your ideal partner. Whatever that may be look like for you. Lately we’ve expanded our “talking” to include pretty much everyone.
But we still focus on transgender women and trans attracted men. Our approach works for anyone though.
We don’t just talk about finding your ideal partner. We also show you how to make that happen.
What’s interesting is, every time a client starts this work, they find not only a clear path to that ideal partner. Everything else in their life gets better too.
You’re meant to be happy. You’re meant to have a happy life. A happy life includes an ideal partner if that’s what you want.
It also includes doing, being and having everything else you want.
That’s just how life is supposed to be.
We know it. Our clients know it.
Then there are some who don’t know it. But they want to. They beat around the edges of our website. They have reasons for not becoming a member. They think $50 for a guide that can radically change their lives for the better is too much. Really? $50 for a guide that will show you how to create an amazing life?
I don’t blame them for not wanting to spend money. Scarcity consciousness is real, folks. But I do blame them for not reading or listening to the metric-shit-ton of free content we offer here on the website, in our podcast and on our YouTube channel. 🙄🤷🏽♂️🙄
In all these people’s lives, the secrets to their happiness, or rather, the secret to why they’re unhappy is as plain as the words coming out their mouths…or through their fingers. 😂
This morning I responded to two separate people. One via our chat on Facebook. The other through our blog. Both show how clear it is that one’s reality is created from one’s stories. But unless you know this, and understand how it happens, that clarity – it really is as plain as the words they are sharing – remains hidden.
Hidden right in plain sight. Take this person’s comment on a post of ours…
A (presumably) transwoman’s screed on how the media (and others) are responsible for her reality. Not her.
I know not everyone is ready to take responsibility for their life experience. I know a lot of people prefer blaming the media, society, transgender women or “tranny chasers” for their relationship and other sorrows.
But the plain fact is, everyone creates their reality. No one else is doing it.
And the clarity and happiness that comes from realizing this then doing something about it is priceless.
A quickie overview of how to adjust your stories…
It’s not necessary to consume our paid content to get results.
The problem is, most people don’t have the temerity and rigor to put in place a daily practice that can produce results.
That’s why we offer our paid content. We’re radically changing lives for the better. I know it’s not only worth every penny we charge, it’s worth even more.
In the future we’ll be raising our prices because of that. For now, I’m good with what we’re charging.
Things happening in my life is how I know my stories make my life better and better. Coming on the heels of the previous story, the following true story is further proof. Further proof how The Transamorous Network approach literally makes things happen with me barely lifting a finger.
In that previous post I wrote about seeing a transgender woman a second time, with no effort on my part. I used this to show you why we guarantee our approach works. You can easily meet your match. No matter your criteria. No matter the circumstances.
That’s what’s happening in my life. It can happen in yours too.
This next experience happened just two weeks ago. It shows how the Universe answers every desire. The path it creates though is never direct. It curves all over the place.
That’s because we’re always adding more to what we want. And every thing added is being organized by us to be realized by us. That’s why I know I already have everything I want. Even though it looks like I don’t right now.
But “right now” is the past. It’s not the present. The minute “right now” happens, it’s old news.
So it looks like I don’t have these things “right now” because “right now” has manifestED. The NOW is a manifestING PROCESS. It’s always manifestING. In the manifestING NOW, I have all I want. It only takes a while for it to become manifestED.
So it takes longer to manifest things in physical reality. In nonphysical, in that manifestING place, things happen immediately. And what is manifestING MUST eventually become manifestED. That’s just how life works.
So I know it’s only a matter of time before everything I want becomes my physical reality. How do I know it’s happening? Experiences like the one you’re about to read.
My Bridging Job offers surprising opportunities (Illustration: the author)
Incredible Outcomes Indicate More Incredible Outcomes Are On The Way
Before I share what happened, here’s some context. What happened was cool. But if you don’t have the context, you won’t understand it.
I now have a bridging job. I call it that because it bridges stories I’ve told a long time with stories I’m replacing them with. To explain…
I have believed, like a lot of people – nearly everyone actually – that money shows up in my bank account when I do something to “earn it”.
That’s not the only way money can show up though. There are infinite ways money can show up in my bank account.
For example, there are people who inherit money. There are people who win lotteries. There are people who steal money and get away with that. There are people who find money. There are people other people give money to for no apparent reason. There are people who’s money comes from interest and investing.
So there are a lot of people experiencing money flowing into their bank accounts. And that flow is not tied to what they do.
My stories about money match stories the majority of us tell. Like others, I’ve told this story so long, it has a lot of momentum. Creating and living a reality matching a new story is possible.
But not right away. That’s because my old stories have a lot of momentum. I know because I’ve tried over the last four years to live differently. That didn’t work. My old story momentum is too strong.
So I’ve taken this bridging job so I’ll stop adding more resistance/power to my old story, which is what I was doing by trying to live a different story into my reality.
My bridging job is helping ease my old stories.
Like our clients, I’m always learning. And always will be learning.
This bridging job came in a way consistent with creating my reality. That’s another story too. One I will write about. Suffice it to say I didn’t have to do anything to get the job. It literally came to me. And, my Inner Being has told me over and over that this job is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Meeting that transgender woman I wrote about last time, and the way it happened confirms this. So does what happened two weeks ago. So much good stuff is happening relative to this job, that I know this job is on the path to all I want.
Ok. That’s the context.
· · ·
So here I am, at my bridging job. I’m preparing to go on a route when another guy asks to ride with me. He does the same job I do. Sometimes our dispatcher pairs people.
So this guy, I’ll call him “Guy”, and I pair up. We prep my van. Then we head out.
Turns out Guy believes in the power of stories. He also coaches others on using clinical techniques to change people’s lives. I didn’t know this about him. But that was a nice surprise.
We spend the day connecting over this and other things we have in common. We both enjoy the work we’re doing. We both enjoy practicing positivity. We both enjoy napping in parks. ☺️ We both have other things going on. Things larger than this job we enjoy. We both know life is an adventure. We both have strong spiritual practices.
Midway through the work day, Guy tells me he’s enjoying working with me. The feeling is mutual.
Guy asks me about what I do when I’m not at work. I tell him about Copiosis and Positively Focused.
Then I tell him about The Transamorous Network. As I’m talking his eyes light up. He’s rapt while I’m telling about it.
When I finish, Guy says “Perry, I’m a trans guy.”
Now I knew this about him. But didn’t want to say anything. Was I surprised? Yes.
And no.
Think about this. I’m telling more and more stories about affiliating with the trans community, about wanting a person who is a match to my desires. And here I’ve spent my entire day with a transgender person! On my job! The job my Inner Being said was perfect for me!
Not only did we spend the day together, we share many things we mutually believe in.
This doesn’t mean Guy is one of my matches. He’s not someone I’m gonna date. I want a transgender WOMAN after all. But he represents my unfolding pathto the person I want.
I know life is not a straight line to my fulfilled desire. It’s a roundabout adventure!
Artwork by the author
I know I’m not supposed to get everything I want all at once. That would be overwhelming. Imagine if all the transgender women I would meet in this life showed up right now!
That wouldn’t be fun at all, really.
It’s much more fun watching as my personal trinity puts together events like this all-day get-together, in ways I couldn’t organize myself. I know it’s all happening — Sarah from two weeks ago, “Guy” from this week, the other transgender woman I chatted with on the bus the other day, but didn’t write about, the media interviews I’m doing more of lately, and whatever else might come next. It’s all for the sheer enjoyment of the unfolding. Not for the end result!
Artwork by the author
So Guy isn’t the one. I mean he is a match in the sense he matches many of my stories. That’s great news. It’s great news because if Guy is this close of a match, imagine what my actual transgender woman match will be!
Guy is a signpost along the way to her. Guy showing up in my life is like the Universe saying “here’s evidence you’re on the right track. Congrats. Keep up the good work!”
Just as Jeannette was in the last post. Just as was the trans woman I chatted with briefly on the bus the other day. It’s all evidence my stories are changing.
And here’s the stupendous news: I know if one story’s evidence shows up, that means, allmy new stories are in play too. Everything happens simultaneously.
So I know my story about money flowing into my bank account without me having to do anything to have that happen is becoming real. I know it’s becoming real because this story about my transgender lover is unfolding in tangible, satisfying ways.
This is how it works folks!
Let me be more clear: Meeting Guy, spending all day with him, enjoying the connection and having so much in common with him tells me I’m headed in the right direction. A direction where I’ll spend all day with, enjoy the connection with, and have so much in common with her. The transgender woman who matches me as much and more as Guy does.
And, all that will coincide with an event, where my bank account fills with money.
On the way to all that, I’m having fun enjoying my right now.
· · ·
There’s more to the story of course.
Guy then asks if The Transamorous Network would ever expand its work to help trans people become more comfortable in their skin.
The short answer is: yes.
The longer answer is of course. Until a person is comfortable in their skin, i.e. telling stories of self acceptance, self love and worthiness, they can’t meet their ideal partner.
If I want a person who is confident; someone happy in themselves; a strong and capable person, a happy person, that person can only be mine if I feel that way about me.
I have to be a match to that. That’s the only way I can have that.
Of course that is what The Transamorous Network helps people with. We help others learn how to do what I’m doing.
Guy asked me for my contact information. He said he wanted it for when he meets transgender women. He asked whether I prefer non-op, pre-op or post-Op women. I think he’s thinking about matching me with someone. Why else would he ask such questions?
I know one of the ways the Universe brings my match into my life will be through people I already know. Since Guy shares many of the same things I believe in, and since he sees and knows a lot of transgender people, there’s a good chance something may come of this.
But that’s not why I’m happy about having met Guy. Guy is a cool person. It’s fun to think about him being a friend. It’s cool to have him as a co worker. It’s cool working with him.
And, he’s an exceptional indicator that my stories, my new stories, are shaping for me a new reality. One in which everything I want is.
Seems something significant is happening every week now. I like that pace. And I know it’s going to get better and better. The evidence is how I know.
![shhh]](https://i0.wp.com/transamorousnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/shhh.jpg?resize=525%2C263&ssl=1)
