How Transgender Women Can Help You Understand White Male Privilege Expressed As Rage

Paula Williams blog
Photo: TEDx Mile High via YouTube

“The call toward authenticity has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm.”

So says Paula Stone Williams. She was once a former corporate senior executive, pastor, evangelist while presenting male…Then she transitioned into “Paula”, her authentic self.

And lost everything but her authenticity, humor and keen insight.

Authenticity calls all of us. Some hear that call better than others and benefit in the listening.

But once the call is heard, then heeded, one becomes an amplifier of it for others.

Paula has become exactly that.

“The call to authenticity is sacred, it’s holy, it’s for the greater good.” She says.

The call also connects us all, offering species-level transformational potential. The more who are transformed by it, the more room is made for others’ transformation.

· · ·

Paula’s TEDx talk landed in my inbox with perfect timing.

I mentioned two weeks ago on our IN YOUR FACE show (Mondays at 5:30 pst), a conversation I had with what at first sounded like a transphobe. Even though Billy is “grossed out” by trans women, I was impressed with his willingness to be vulnerable, his articulate arguments, and his willingness to chat instead of doing a dump and run on our YouTube Show’s comments section.

This weekend though, our conversation turned for the worse.

It’s hard to have a long conversation about transgender people without bringing up obvious parallels between what transgender people are going through and what other minorities have experienced. So it was natural for me to do that.

In doing so, I referred to the browning of America and the benefits a renewed balance to resource access will have on race matters in the United States, and by extension, to transgender people.

That pushed Billy’s buttons.

Thankfully, he’s still willing to chat. Paula’s lessons shared from her male privilege experiences, or rather the loss of them, came – with perfect timing – into my life. They helped me better understand where Billy was coming from, why he was so rage-inspired, and allowed me to be more gracious in the receiving of his vitriol.

· · ·

There are so many benefits transgender people bring to the world. Paula’s influence on my conversation with Billy is a small, but apt demonstration.

You might argue that it’s better to transition when young. And while I agree with that for many reasons, benefits come from transitioning late in life too.

For those folks, Paula offers an example of how late-blooming can be just as awesome as blooming early.

Spending a long time presenting as male affords a magnificent inside view of male privilege.

It can be shocking post-transition to lose all that privilege. But it also can be used as a powerful sociological transformational path to authenticity for self and others.

Paula clearly has successfully stepped into that with grace and humor.

And here is where late-blooming transgender women such as Paula can have a huge influence on others: by sharing their personal experience in an authentic way to transform the species for the better, they become greater than themselves.

I think that’s the kind of impact we all want to have, but many miss the chance.

Watch her TEDx talk here.

An Awesome Thing Happened On Wikipedia And You Probably Missed It.

your transattraction is good

In less than a week, Wikipedia did something positive for the transgender community.

Wikipedia contributors have removed a fringe and controversial theory about attraction to transgender people and replaced it with an entry based on more common knowledge about trans-attraction.

While this seems like a tiny step, we think it’s huge.

We just had a conversation with a transgender woman who was in fact using this fringe theory to tie her self in knots about her own value as a person worthy of someone’s attention.

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It looks like the decision to remove the theory’s entry took place around 2013. But we looked up the theory just last week and it was still there. Today, it’s been redirected to the more accurate entry.

Awesome.

The exchange between Wikipedia contributors and the original poster of the fringe theory is quite an interesting read. The original poster, btw, happens to be one of the theory’s originators.

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Here’s the entry it has been replaced by. It’s not the best (you gotta start somewhere) but it certainly acknowledges the legitimate existence of trans-attraction thus validating the romantic value transgender people inherently possess. Just like the rest of us.

In other words: it’s NORMAL and validating to love transgender people.

Well done Wikipedia.

 

 

Are Straight Men Into Transgender Women?

Berwin coroza - Relationship Beliefs matter FB blog
Photo: Berwin Coroza

A transgender woman today asked the following questions about her ex boyfriend who is showing renewed interest in wanting to have sex with her.

We get this kind of question sometimes at The Transamorous Network.

We decided to share our answer because it could be useful for other transgender women having similar questions.

We’ve expanded our answer for clarity.

Here’s what she wrote. We have edited it for clarity also:

My ex boyfriend said he likes me and he just want[s] to [have] sex with me. But he doesn’t like my p[e]nis. He said he likes only vagina. But [he] still want[s] to [have] sex with me. What [does this] actually mean? [I]s he denial or he [can’t] find [a] cis woman? But he is super cute…Are straight men really [into] transwomen? [O]r [do] GAMP (Gynoandomorphilc) m[e]n…like TS girl more?
Our answer:
If we were you, we would not focus so much on labels. Or try to understand men by putting labels on them.

We would particularly pay NO attention to the GAMP theory. It is a story that demeans who you are.

For men to fit in these categories and for the categories to be valid, then the theory’s reference to you (as a transgender woman) must also be valid, which demeans you as a person.

So it is self-mutilating to think about that theory: Standing in that story, you can not have a productive relationship with a trans-attracted man. How can you when you are wondering about the validity of how the guy feels about you?

Instead of asking the very general question “are straight men really [into] transwomen” We would be asking “is this particular man REALLY INTERESTED in ME?”

This question is far more relevant.

You’d be better off putting all your attention on your personal life experience. Instead of trying to understand about ALL men’s feelings about ALL transgender women, which is a hugely varied set of opinions you will likely not clearly understand ever – because they are constantly changing – it is more productive, and relevant to keep your nose in your own affairs.

That means asking: is he interested in me?

Here are some questions that are even more valuable :
  • Do I consider myself more than my trans status?
  • If so, why am I so concerned about others’ opinion about this part of me [my trans status] which is a very small part of the WHOLE ME?
  • What kind of sex am I wanting? Do I want casual sex, or am I more interested in something meaningful? (neither is better than the other, but you want to understand where you are so you make wise choices)
  • If a person just wants to have sex with me, is he really showing interest in me as a person? Or as a masturbatory tool? In other words, am I being treated as a means to this person’s sexual gratification alone, or am I being seen as a person, with my own desires and interests?
By asking these questions you start to understand yourself more. You begin to understand the stories creating your life experience.
Armed with that information, you now have some freedom to choose new stories. Ones that will serve you far better, by connecting you with people who match those better stories.

You’re going to love your love life

Xavier Sotomayor looking in the past never works.jpgWe know. It’s hard to love your love life when your love life seems absent, because you have no one to love in your life.

But that’s just the past staring you in the face.

Yes, that’s right. Your present moment that includes you NOT having a partner is the past. We can explain why that is, but it would make this post way to long. Instead, just take our world for it.

You’re creating your reality by what you put your attention on. So when you look at the past, whether you like what you see or not, you put more of what you’re looking at in the future for you to experience in future nows.

What does that mean? Put simply, when you complain about not having someone to love, you’re putting your focus on you not having someone to love. So your future moments have a very high probability of looking just like that moment in which you’re complaining.

That complaint is a story.

You have a lot of other stories going on all of which collaborate to create your now. So if you want to have a now that looks different from the ones you’ve always/already have, you have to start looking somewhere else for the love of your life. You have to stop doing what you’re doing (complaining) and start doing something different.

We suggest you start praising. Find every thing to love about your current situation. If you can do that consistently, you’ll notice some interesting things happening:

  1. You’ll feel better
  2. You’ll eventually forget about not having a lover
  3. That relief will open new possibilities because you won’t be focused on what you don’t want
  4. In the relief you feel, you’ll find yourself increasingly happy
  5. And if you’re paying attention, you’ll see signs of the lover you’ve been wanting coming to you.

Of course, step five there means you have to know what to look for. That’s another story. One we talk about in our Guides.

One way or another, you’re going to love your love life. We suggest you do that sooner than later. Life is much more fun that way.

 

Complicit in your own self-self-mutilization?

 

bimo mentara patriarchy.jpg

Bell hooks (born Gloria Jean Watkins) is an African-American author, feminist, and social activist. Her writing has focused on the interconnectivity of race, class, and gender and their ability to produce and perpetuate systems of oppression and domination.

In a recent interview on The Transamorous Network Podcast, due out soon, we talked about the power of the patriarchy, its viciousness and its vile effect….

Not on women.

On men.

What does this have to do with trans attraction?

A lot. The shame you feel being trans-attracted rests deep in the vileness of the patriarchy. Like the quote says: patriarchy’s first violent act is within men.

Something to think about. Some questions to help you:

  • Why do you keep thinking you’re gay because you find trans women attractive?
  • Why are you asserting your straightness in online dating ads and other communiques about your interest in trans women?
  • What are you afraid of in owning your trans-attraction?
  • What do you have to lose if you do own your attraction to these beautiful people?
  • Is what you have to lose really so valuable that you are willing to tolerate being less than, expressing less than all you are?

All of this is definitely worth thinking about. Contact us if you need someone to talk with about this.