Category: Self-love Acceptance

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Are Straight Men Into Transgender Women?

Berwin coroza - Relationship Beliefs matter FB blog
Photo: Berwin Coroza

A transgender woman today asked the following questions about her ex boyfriend who is showing renewed interest in wanting to have sex with her.

We get this kind of question sometimes at The Transamorous Network.

We decided to share our answer because it could be useful for other transgender women having similar questions.

We’ve expanded our answer for clarity.

Here’s what she wrote. We have edited it for clarity also:

My ex boyfriend said he likes me and he just want[s] to [have] sex with me. But he doesn’t like my p[e]nis. He said he likes only vagina. But [he] still want[s] to [have] sex with me. What [does this] actually mean? [I]s he denial or he [can’t] find [a] cis woman? But he is super cute…Are straight men really [into] transwomen? [O]r [do] GAMP (Gynoandomorphilc) m[e]n…like TS girl more?
Our answer:
If we were you, we would not focus so much on labels. Or try to understand men by putting labels on them.

We would particularly pay NO attention to the GAMP theory. It is a story that demeans who you are.

For men to fit in these categories and for the categories to be valid, then the theory’s reference to you (as a transgender woman) must also be valid, which demeans you as a person.

So it is self-mutilating to think about that theory: Standing in that story, you can not have a productive relationship with a trans-attracted man. How can you when you are wondering about the validity of how the guy feels about you?

Instead of asking the very general question “are straight men really [into] transwomen” We would be asking “is this particular man REALLY INTERESTED in ME?”

This question is far more relevant.

You’d be better off putting all your attention on your personal life experience. Instead of trying to understand about ALL men’s feelings about ALL transgender women, which is a hugely varied set of opinions you will likely not clearly understand ever – because they are constantly changing – it is more productive, and relevant to keep your nose in your own affairs.

That means asking: is he interested in me?

Here are some questions that are even more valuable :
  • Do I consider myself more than my trans status?
  • If so, why am I so concerned about others’ opinion about this part of me [my trans status] which is a very small part of the WHOLE ME?
  • What kind of sex am I wanting? Do I want casual sex, or am I more interested in something meaningful? (neither is better than the other, but you want to understand where you are so you make wise choices)
  • If a person just wants to have sex with me, is he really showing interest in me as a person? Or as a masturbatory tool? In other words, am I being treated as a means to this person’s sexual gratification alone, or am I being seen as a person, with my own desires and interests?
By asking these questions you start to understand yourself more. You begin to understand the stories creating your life experience.
Armed with that information, you now have some freedom to choose new stories. Ones that will serve you far better, by connecting you with people who match those better stories.
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You’re going to love your love life

Xavier Sotomayor looking in the past never works.jpgWe know. It’s hard to love your love life when your love life seems absent, because you have no one to love in your life.

But that’s just the past staring you in the face.

Yes, that’s right. Your present moment that includes you NOT having a partner is the past. We can explain why that is, but it would make this post way to long. Instead, just take our world for it.

You’re creating your reality by what you put your attention on. So when you look at the past, whether you like what you see or not, you put more of what you’re looking at in the future for you to experience in future nows.

What does that mean? Put simply, when you complain about not having someone to love, you’re putting your focus on you not having someone to love. So your future moments have a very high probability of looking just like that moment in which you’re complaining.

That complaint is a story.

You have a lot of other stories going on all of which collaborate to create your now. So if you want to have a now that looks different from the ones you’ve always/already have, you have to start looking somewhere else for the love of your life. You have to stop doing what you’re doing (complaining) and start doing something different.

We suggest you start praising. Find every thing to love about your current situation. If you can do that consistently, you’ll notice some interesting things happening:

  1. You’ll feel better
  2. You’ll eventually forget about not having a lover
  3. That relief will open new possibilities because you won’t be focused on what you don’t want
  4. In the relief you feel, you’ll find yourself increasingly happy
  5. And if you’re paying attention, you’ll see signs of the lover you’ve been wanting coming to you.

Of course, step five there means you have to know what to look for. That’s another story. One we talk about in our Guides.

One way or another, you’re going to love your love life. We suggest you do that sooner than later. Life is much more fun that way.

 

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Complicit in your own self-self-mutilization?

 

bimo mentara patriarchy.jpg

Bell hooks (born Gloria Jean Watkins) is an African-American author, feminist, and social activist. Her writing has focused on the interconnectivity of race, class, and gender and their ability to produce and perpetuate systems of oppression and domination.

In a recent interview on The Transamorous Network Podcast, due out soon, we talked about the power of the patriarchy, its viciousness and its vile effect….

Not on women.

On men.

What does this have to do with trans attraction?

A lot. The shame you feel being trans-attracted rests deep in the vileness of the patriarchy. Like the quote says: patriarchy’s first violent act is within men.

Something to think about. Some questions to help you:

  • Why do you keep thinking you’re gay because you find trans women attractive?
  • Why are you asserting your straightness in online dating ads and other communiques about your interest in trans women?
  • What are you afraid of in owning your trans-attraction?
  • What do you have to lose if you do own your attraction to these beautiful people?
  • Is what you have to lose really so valuable that you are willing to tolerate being less than, expressing less than all you are?

All of this is definitely worth thinking about. Contact us if you need someone to talk with about this.

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Be thoughtful about Pride Month

Chris Johnson WHAT STORIES
Photo by Chris Johnson

Seems every minority has a month. The LGBTQ community is no exception. This month is Pride.

An interesting factoid about Pride: it was spearheaded by the transgender community. Pride sprung from the Stonewall Riots. A major figure at Stonewall was Marsha P. Johnson, a well-known black transwoman in the community. Her and other transgender people were primarily responsible for sowing the seeds which became pride festivals celebrated across the country.

But that’s not really the real interesting factoid. The really interesting factoid is that while gay, lesbian and bisexuals primarily benefit from Pride awareness, those same communities once rejected transgender people from their ranks.

To some degree they still do. Despite this, we see a tremendous upsurge of transgender awareness. I think that’s exceptional. Trans people will not be held back. They represent a leading edge of what it means to be human and humanity is wanting to express itself in ALL ways.

Regardless how others think about transgender people and the people who love them, Pride offers a reminder for transgender people and those who find transgender people attractive to check your stories. What is it you’re thinking about who and what you are? Are your stories positive? Are they uplifting? They better be if you’re wanting what you want.

Your stories about you, about the world, about everything are determining your life experience. This month, take a moment to reflect on what you’re thinking, sharing, tweeting, reposting, reading.

It makes all the difference in the only world that matters: yours.