TL;DR: The author shares the story of a trans-attracted man who finds bliss in his discovery that his reality comes from stories he tells.
Every time a client texts me with evidence their life is getting better, I delight in the receipt. That’s because I know when they send me such messages, they’re having the time of their lives. It’s also delightful because their improved life amplifies my knowing in this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business, aka (by some) as “Wishful Thinking”. LOL.
When some people use that “Wishful Thinking” moniker, they’re being pejorative. They don’t believe this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business is real. They believe that because this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business is working for them. It’s just reflecting back to them the manifestation of their belief: that this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business doesn’t work, or it’s pseudoscience or new age quackery.
The jokes on them though because this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business is working, just like it does for me and all my clients. I love that!
But I love more when clients text me with their wonder. That’s what I’m writing about today.
Beliefs defending themselves
This past week a trans-attracted client finds himself as wonder-filled as I am. Except, he’s finding himself so dumbfounded by his manifestation results, he sometimes slips into disbelief.
I love when that happens too because it means that client finds himself in a Belief Confrontation. A Belief Confrontation is when All That Is shows us something at odds with our beliefs. When that happens, the juxtaposition of our belief, and the reality we’re experiencing at that moment, is so jarring, our belief “defends” itself.
Our belief doesn’t put up its dukes and gets into a fist-fight with the reality. It’s not human after all. But the energy and momentum comprising our belief is strong. And that strong momentum, when confronted with another strong momentum of energy or vibration, experiences a kind of polarity shift. Kind of like when you try put two magnets together and they repulse one another.
When that polarity shift happens in a human, the human feels an emotion. Typically the emotion is negative. That negative emotion comes on instantaneously and can feel so strong it can compel the human into a psychologically defensive stance. They’ll resist that which doesn’t accord with their beliefs. Or they might willfully ignore it.
Our civilization is full of examples illustrating this process underway. And it’s underway all the time, everywhere.
It really works
After clients produce evidence that “you create your reality by the stories you tell” is accurate, force accompanying Belief Confrontations ease, allowing the client to feel the force without it taking them over. That’s what happened with this client. He deserves some praise because he’s significantly soothed his Belief Confrontations around the fact that he’s in the driver’s seat of his life, no one else, and that he can create any life he wants.
So when he texted me, he briefly expressed some disbelief, but followed that up with a string of evidence showing this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business works. And that balance – between the brief disbelief and the litany of evidence – amplified within him his growing momentum aligning with the belief “this ‘you create your reality by the stories you tell’ business really works!”
Here’s what he texted me:
A trans-attracted client amplifying his belief in this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business by sharing his powerful results.
There’s no evidence proving this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business doesn’t work. Again, even for those who think it doesn’t work, it’s working. It’s working by showing those people a reality in which the belief “this ‘you create your reality by the stories you tell’ business doesn’t work” doesn’t work!
But for those willing to soften that belief, those people’s worlds will increasingly show them that this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business does work. And as that evidence grows, the person will consciously come into their own power. The power they knew they had when they first incarnated as human.
The Charmed Life
We all came here in our human experiences to enjoy our creative power. That includes trans people. We all are incipient gods becoming more in a structure we have created as a part of the consciousness of All That Is. That sure sounds like a circular argument. But that’s only because All That Is is circular in its awareness and purpose.
All That Is is all about one thing: knowing itself through expanding its awareness of itself. That’s its purpose. And it joyfully prosecutes that purpose. We are physical expressions of All That Is seeking to expand its self-awareness. As such, we too can joyfully create our experiences as we move through our human lives.
We don’t have a choice about the expansion or the experience. But we do have a choice in how that experience happens, what’s included in it, what’s not, and how much we enjoy that experience. That’s our innate gift we give ourselves.
And when we choose to deliberately create experiences which bring us joy, then that experience of human life just gets better and better. Just as my clients are seeing in their lives. And as I’m seeing in mine. It’s the Charmed Life. And it’s available to everyone. Even trans people.
TL;DR: This is a guest story written by Kari and published with her permission. Kari shares a story in which she revolutionized a lot of feelings about her body, including feelings about her penis. Along the way, she realized many toxic beliefs she – and many trans women – hold. She then encouragesa reaching for greater, more empowering freedom.
I recently found myself at the intersection of two converging trajectories or evolutions and while I can see the outcome approaching fast, I don’t know how I feel about it.
Hold onto your butts, we’re going in….
The first evolution was my discovery of dresses last summer.
I had bought a few dresses over the five years I have been out, but never really worn them. Until last summer, that is.
Some of these dresses were sleeveless and that’s where the problem first appeared.
Comfort in my skin
I had spent the first part of summer wearing short sleeve shirts and the result was a set of very pasty shoulders and tanned forearms.
I looked like a farmer…in a bad way:
You say Farmer Tan, I say Ombré Skin Art
So this summer I decided to even out that tan by spending a few minutes each day in the sun in my bikini. The road to degeneracy is, however, paved with good intentions. Changing into a bikini and then back into clothes mid morning started becoming tiresome. So I started just stripping down to my panties and lying in the sun on our private balcony. This resulted in a nice light tan across my entire body except my butt which was extremely pale.
And that’s how I ended up naked, on the balcony in the sun, daily.
This naked sunbathing made me consider my body and how I felt about myself. The act of slowing down and being quiet outside did make me think that naturists are on to something and I am way more comfortable with myself now.
Ladies, if you ever feel unattractive, spend 15 minutes on your back and 15 minutes on your tummy in the sun daily. By the end of summer you will be more comfortable in your skin. There is just something about having sunshine and a light breeze on your naked skin that improves your confidence. At least it did for me.
And next summer I may join a naturist group.
Okay, so I hope y’all into TMI, because we are about to overshare.
“My filly blunt”
The other evolution is a little complicated. Transition is a slow evolutionary process. During this summer, perhaps triggered in part by my nude sunbathing or other factors, my sexuality, or rather my sexual expression, started to surface again.
Let me explain.
When switching your governing hormone your sexuality does some strange stuff. Since starting HRT my entire understanding of my own sexuality and how I express it has been completely rewritten. There was a period, shortly after I started HRT, where I almost completely lost interest in anything sexual. Then about two years ago a slow process of re-emergence started.
Slowly the lights have been coming on again so to speak.
When this happened I noted a shift in who I was attracted to, how I was attracted to them and how I thought about and experienced sex.
I also started to engage with my sexuality and its expression in new ways. An example of this is that I now find pleasure in erotic images of myself. I enjoy sharing erotic but tasteful artistic pictures with my partner. To be blunt, I started sending artsy dick-pics to my partner.
Censorship is the antithesis of free speech and must be resisted in all its manifold forms, specifically this form that deprives the viewer of the majestic image that has been redacted.
Oh and if you’re wondering, judging by the response, dick-pics are just one more thing women just do better than men.
Okay, enough waffling about sunbathing and erotic art, this isn’t an art blog or a sunlight therapy woo page on Facebook. This is a transsexual blog and I know you’re here for the same reasons Republicans and Gender Criticals go to Pornhub.
You’re here for the girl-dick.
So let’s talk about this filly’s blunt.
Exploring my nudity
I can’t speak for men but judging by the quality of the examples of the masculine dick-pics I have seen, men don’t think about their genitals in the same way women do. I think for men a picture of their genitals is a visual cv for their sexual qualities.
They are functional images. Its this big, its this long and its shaped in this manner which will have this effect on you when I use it in these ways. Lighting, context, focus and composition are all lost in the singular pursuit of graphic exposure. The male dick-pic is the construction drawing of nude art.
Before transition I didn’t understand the dick-pic. I assumed it was a matter of dysphoria. Showing nudes of myself that featured my penis just felt uncomfortable and ugly.
I hated it.
However, this summer I decided to explore the art of nude self portraits. I had seen a particular content creator on Instagram who specifically makes erotic self portraits via photography and I like her stuff, so I decided to try it myself.
Over the last few months, whenever I have been inspired, I have taken photos of myself in various states of undress.
“Proudly displaying their junk”
One of the things I noted very quickly was that I didn’t have that alien feeling when genitals were visibly in the images, either explicitly or implied by “the bulge”. In fact, I started to see the beauty in these photos. I didn’t see a person struggling with discordant genitals or pathetically resigned to the misery of not being able to do anything about her penis.
I legitimately saw a naked woman with a beautiful dick.
Of course the question that raised itself to me was, did I find this girl-dick beautiful because its mine and attached to me or was it all girl-dicks that had suddenly become beautiful?
My questions led me to the Trans-HiveMind.
I went back to Tumblr.
And on Tumblr I found a lot of girl-dick.
I found trans women proudly displaying their junk and trans women not so proudly displaying their junk with captions asking “would you still date me if you knew about my dick?”
Looking at these images I noted the “would you date a trans woman” posts are as tragic as those Only Fans Milfs on Insta who aim their content at middle-aged dude’s crotches.
Ladies, men don’t need begging.
Why the Fuck do we Tuck?
The posts made by trans women who are clearly comfortable with their genitals on the other hand are beautiful. In fact they are as beautiful as images of women with vaginas.
However, this is not an article to sing the praises of and promote the beauty of girl-dick.
I have far more sinister motives than that and we already know girl-dick is gorgeous.
What I am saying is girl-dick is no less desirable or beautiful or feminine than girl-vagina and when we accept this simple truth, we must ask: Why the Fuck do we Tuck?
We don’t tuck because our genitals are ugly.
We don’t tuck because it’s comfortable.
We don’t even tuck because we suffer dysphoria.
Rock it unapologetically
We tuck because we have been told by heteronormative society that women have vaginas and if your crotch isn’t a smooth, flat front then you are a man.
We have internalized the idea that we cannot be beautiful women when we have a little extra in our undies. We believe men see us, trans women, as second class because we don’t have a genital configuration that ignorance and regressive societal rules have mandated as the gold standard.
Today’s gaff is, for trans women, no different from last century’s whale boned corset for cis women. We don’t need to squeeze our organs into new positions and uncomfortable contortions to be beautiful. We don’t have to mould ourselves to the society’s regressive ideas to be beautiful.
We simply need to rock that bulge unapologetically and one day, society will catch up.
One day, a trans woman is going to walk down the catwalk at Paris Fashion week untucked and no one is going to bat an eye about the girl-dick.
Well, maybe I do know how I feel about the outcome of that intersection now.
TL;DR: The author shares their enthusiasm for the revelation that a prominent Republican is a “Chaser”. They then describe how this is a positive sign, a sign that things are improving for transgender people.
Back in February I wrote a post about how conservative populations include some of the most trans-attracted people despite that population’s anti-trans rhetoric. It was a story I enjoyed writing, mainly because evidence supporting the story was so compelling. I also wrote about how blatant hypocrisy among conservative transphobes was, in fact, fueling momentum for the “future inclusion of trans people”.
Now, this past week, life served a perfect example of that hypocrisy…on steroids.
Last week, CNN outed prominent republican and Trump darling Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson as a hypocrite, a self-proclaimed “Black Nazi” and more. But what really made him news to this blog is that the story reveals extensive evidence of Robinson being an avid trans-porn consumer, making him a trans-attracted, queer. In other words…his own words… “a perv…”
His history is clear
Now, trans-attraction isn’t a bad thing. There are probably hundreds of thousands of men who are trans-attracted. I write about this all the time on this blog from a positive perspective. I’ve even defined an evolutionary process trans-attracted men move through as they come to accept what they are.
Robinson is at the “chaser” stage of this process. He had been unwilling to admit his attraction publicly. Now that the news is out against his will, he’s denying it vehemently. That makes sense. Robinson vilifies trans people and gay people as part of his far right political platform. The record is clear on Robinson’s thoughts about trans and gay people.
Indeed, his hypocrisy contributes to what I described in my post back in February. It:
“…creates a lot of unnecessary nail-biting and hand wringing. It also creates a lot of wasted time and expense. Not to mention anxiety and self-loathing among those I love. After all, unless one is positively focused, loving oneself is really hard in today’s society. Especially when swaths of the population hate what you are…”
“…supports the unseemly double-standard Republicans hold when it comes to trans people: they secretly love what they publicly hate.”
This anecdotal, yet factual evidence from Robinson’s past adds to the body of evidence showing that a lot of conservatives are also trans-attracted or even queer themselves. Even while they attack people in our community.
With Robinson’s outing, his political career might be losing steam. For now, the GOP-er refuses to embrace his past. How could he? It already might be career-ending. Trump, for example, already delisted him from his next presidential rally according to news reports.
The world is getting better
As ugly as his views are, we can see this news from an empowering, positive perspective. One is we once again have our suspicions confirmed: many of those trying to restrict trans freedoms are, in fact, trans-attracted and may themselves be trans or at least queer. Second, we can see much of their rhetoric reflects a strong momentum of self-denial and even self-loathing. I mean, come on! A black man supporting a return to the days of slavery????
So these people are acting out of a profound lack of self-acceptance. That’s worthy of our compassion. Not anger.
Third, there are people out in the world working to make trans lives freer, safer and more prosperous. Some of those people don’t know consciously that that’s what they’re doing. But they do the work anyway. Thank goodness too for the internet archive, which, apparently CNN used to verify much of what they found about Robinson.
The world is getting better for trans people. I’ve written this so many times. Revelations about Robinson strike nerves for sure. But they also add to the many examples showing trans-phobes for what they actually are. Often they’re legitimate chasers, so consumed in self-hate that they project their hate onto the very people they secretly love.
The more of these stories come out, the better life gets for trans people. The more stories about trans people that get made, the better life gets for trans people. And as more men come out proudly loving trans women, the better the world gets too. So much is happening making the world better for trans women.
So let’s thank Robinson. He’s not doing it consciously. But as his past acts catch up with him and hopefully ruin his career, they’re also making the world better.
TL;DR: The author asserts that “truths” people hold limit human potential. The author then defines “truth” and offers a path for trans and trans-attracted people that uses truth to create joyful lives.
“The truth of being trans….serves no one”: That’s a provocative headline. It’s not click bait though. Instead, it is a representation of what underlies all human experience. Transgender and trans-attracted people both put too much stock in what is “true”. And putting stock there is why so many of my trans and trans-attracted community members suffer.
For example, it’s “true” that what other people think of you matters. That statement is true for nearly every human, not just trans and trans-attracted folks. But that statement, while true, also causes a lot of suffering. Especially for people who come into the world expressly intending to march to the beat of their own drum. And here’s the thing: every trans and trans-attracted person comes into the world to march to the beat of their own drum! That’s why they’re trans and trans-attracted, among other things.
But if we believe other people’s opinion of us matters, and we’re not expressing ourselves in ways others accept, then we’re in trouble. We feel bad about ourselves. We second guess who we are. Worry becomes our go-to emotion. Eventually fear of being found out dominates us. Then our whole life feels shitty no matter how much better the world is becoming for us.
Today, let’s look at “truth”, unpack it, understand it and therefore find libration, joy and freedom from it. Every trans and trans-attracted person who reads this has the ability to free themselves from all their fear, worry and suffering. But to do so they must first find liberation from “truth”.
Let’s dive in.
How I know this is for real
For those people new to my writings, I’m queer and trans-attracted and a person of color. Over the last ten years or more I’ve found the liberation I described above. I’ve helped a lot of people find that too, including trans and trans-attracted people. So I know what I’m talking about and I have the results to prove it.
The most powerful results, however, are those we create for ourselves. Words cannot express how powerful our own results are in convincing us this “you create your reality” business is real. A new client’s experience shows this.
This client is a Chief Technology Officer of a major multinational manufacturer. As you can guess, he’s serious, realistic, believes in science and, therefore, is not at all into “woo”. He reminds me of many trans women who claim what I offer is “circular logic” and “ new age mumbo jumbo”. Like them, he was ignorant about what I offered.
His wife, however, is into “woo” and became a client almost a year ago. Since then, changes in her way of being were so profound, the husband/CTO thought she had joined a cult. So he went to the source – me – to get some answers.
What he learned in that one call was enough for him to become a client. Once I answered his questions, which showed beyond doubt that what I offer is not a cult, he had to acknowledge evidence his wife is producing was impressive. So much so he wanted his version of her results.
A startling, life-changing experience
Thirty weeks after that call, the CTO had what he called a “startling” experience. Someone poking him on the shoulder one night roused him from sleep. But when he woke, no one was there. He looked around the darkened room and saw no one (he and his wife sleep in separate rooms). So he went back to sleep.
Before drifting off, however, he heard, in his words, “as clear as if someone were right beside [him]” a woman say “Jerry, wake up!”. He sat bolt upright in his bed, turned on the lights and walked the entire second floor of his home. He knew it wasn’t his wife calling because, he said, the voice was not hers.
Eventually he did return to sleep. But the whole experience unnerved him. He had never had such an experience before. Yet it was so real, he said. Of course, it absolutely was real. A real “occult” experience.
Today, this client is as committed to this practice as his wife. In part because of this “occult” experience, but also because, in the 30 weeks since he started, he’s produced a tremendous amount of more prosaic, practical evidence proving this “you create your reality” business works.
So if you say this is “new age mumbo jumbo”, and you haven’t tested it yourself, under the tutelage of someone who knows what they’re doing, then you literally have NO IDEA what you’re talking about.
Which brings me right back to the point of this story.
I’m literally writing this post at a local park…at 9:38 am on a Thursday. I can do this because I know this “You create your reality” business works. It has enabled me to create income without a job. Where’s your evidence proving it doesn’t work? Oh, right. You don’t have any.
Truth: it’s enslavement, not freedom
The “truth” will not set you free, as the saying claims. Instead, if you align to a “truth” that doesn’t serve you, then “truth” will enslave you.
That’s right. There are many truths, not just one. There are as many truths as there are points of consciousness, making “truth” as diverse as the rest of All That Is.
Every trans woman who feels the world is against them experiences the enslavement I described above. So do all the trans women complaining about all the anti-trans legislation being drafted. Every trans-attracted man who is afraid to live their trans attraction out loud is also, equally, enslaved. Both parties are enslaved to nearly the same truth, generalized by the statement “What other people think about me is important”.
Like actual enslavement, getting out of truth’s enslavement isn’t easy. But it’s so worth doing! In doing so one literally can choose ANY truth. After all, ALL TRUTHS ENSLAVE. So it makes sense to pick ones whose enslavement serves us.
To better understand this, let’s look closely at what “truth” actually is. We’ll do that in the next section.
It starts with vibration
So what is truth?
Let’s use physics to figure that out. We’re not going to use science’s version of physics though. That will tell us nothing. Instead, let’s use the physics of spirituality.
I know, some readers will balk at this. But the problem is, science is based on the “truth” that an objective physical reality exists separate from us and therefore objectively observable by us, which is why science itself is enslaved, like many humans, in the bogus truth limiting all science seeks to understand. So let’s instead use the unlimited nature of spiritual physics, which is based on how the Universe actually works.
All “truth” begins as an idea. An idea is a thought. All thought is vibration. This should be obvious to everyone, so I won’t spend a lot of words trying to flesh that out. If you want to flesh it out, let’s do so in the comments.
What differentiates a thought that is “true” from one that is something other than that is the amount of attention points of consciousness give to the thought. Points of consciousness, of course, include more than human consciousness, but let’s just focus on the human type for now. Human consciousness is purposefully very powerful. It’s also the source of nearly all our truths. Including many, many limiting ones.
The more attention we give to any thought, the more “true” it will become. That’s because giving attention to a thought adds manifesting momentum that thought. That thought, plus the momentum, carries that thought into further forward manifestation, until that manifestation becomes observably physical. When that happens, humans call that thought “true”.
So that’s how “truths” become so. And when truths become so, they impose limits on what’s possible. But only for those believing the truth.
A 4-minute mile? Impossible!
For example. Prior to 1954 very few humans thought it possible to run a mile in less than four minutes, even though many had done it “unofficially”. By “unofficially”, I mean the cis-white-het hegemony wouldn’t acknowledge those who had done it before, including a Pawnee called Big Hawk Chief who did so as early as 1876.
Indeed, one bastion of the cis-het world, The Harvard Business Review, tells the story of the 4-minute-mile “barrier” as a daunting limit…until it was surpassed, “for the first time” by white guy Roger Bannister in 1954. Indeed, the author describes how “experts” thought they knew the “truth”. Their collective opinions — their attention on the “truth” that the 4-minute mile threshold was indeed insurmountable — said that truth could only be breached under the right circumstances (another truth), circumstances prescribed by the very same experts:
“The experts believed they knew the precise conditions under which the mark would fall. It would have to be in perfect weather — 68 degrees and no wind. On a particular kind of track — hard, dry clay — and in front of a huge, boisterous crowd urging the runner on to his best-ever performance.”
Never mind that Big Hawk Chief had none of that. Nor did several others claimed to have ran faster miles before. Even Bannister’s accomplishment happened in conditions other than those experts prescribed.
The point is, “truth” is literally in the eye of the consciousness thinking the thought. And the more attention brought to that thought, the more true…and limiting…that truth will be.
“Truths” establish limits within which we live.
Pick truths that serve
And once that “truth” becomes true or physical, it’s exceedingly hard for those believing it to accept another idea. Thus the enslavement.
For example, so freaking many trans women hold to the “truth” that men who express attraction to them are “chasers”. No amount of evidence will change their minds. Including the suffering they experience when quite legit men make their romantic intentions known.
The reason why when that happens, the trans women recoil, is because the trans women experience such intentions through the filters of their truths. Now, a constellation of truths are active at any given moment on any subject. So in addition to the “chaser” “truth” alive in their awareness, “I’m not worthy of a man’s love” is alive as well. So is “I don’t accept myself as trans” or “I don’t accept [whatever aspect of my transness they don’t accept]”.
It’s never one set of beliefs, in other words, driving people’s “truths”. Usually, it’s several. And “experts”, including science and religious “experts”, are behind many of the most bogus truths. Bogus truths such as chromosomes determine gender (they don’t) and “god made man and woman” (nope). For anti-trans folks, these “truths” enslave them. And from that suffering, they cause a lot of suffering for others. But only those who allow themselves to be enslaved by those people’s truths.
Which brings me to you, dear trans-attracted or transgender reader. What truth we allow to enslave us will either feel like bondage or liberation. For we can’t be free of truth.
That’s the paradox. We can only choose truths that make us free. That serve us, in other words.
Abraham laying it out plain.
Feeling bad is a sign
That sounds like circular logic, but many statements in the realm of spiritual physics sound that way because that’s how All That Is is. All That Is is self-referential!
You are a point of consciousness, here to express your unique perspective and in doing so create more of All That Is. You do it through creating truths: you attract vibrations resonant with what you are. Those vibrations become thoughts to you, which, when you put your attention/focus on them, you cause those thoughts to turn into things, i.e. physical reality.
For example, your body is your most intimate creation. That you created it as a blend of male and female was purposeful. Same with trans-attracted people. You created that unique perspective on purpose. That body didn’t just come from “nowhere”. It didn’t come from your parents. It wasn’t a mistake. You were not born in the wrong body. You create it.
But if/when we accept other people’s opinions, which are their truths, not ours, then we become enslaved in those opinions. We know when that happens because when it does we always feel bad. That’s because we’re not here to enslave ourselves to others’ opinions, we’re here to create our own reality, one aligned with our truths. And in doing that, paradoxically, we give room for others to do the same. And when they take that room, the world and All That Is expands.
So suffering and struggle and worry and such are purposeful. They show us where we’re doing something we shouldn’t be doing. Something that doesn’t serve us. What we should do when that suffering happens, is look at what truth we’ve aligned with and give it up…in favor of our own.
How we do that is a subject I write about every week.
We not different
Now, I get how hard this can be. After all, we’re all needing money. We need housing, medical care. We all live in a nation of laws. But, believe it or not, all of that meta stuff is subject to our truths!
I’m queer and trans-attracted and a POC. I live in a nation of laws. Like you I require certain things. But all those things come to me with ease now. And I don’t experience a single act of discrimination, hatred or resistance, other than an occasional cranky trans woman disputing what I write about.
I’m no different from you. IOW, you can create for yourself your version of what I enjoy. It’s not easy, at first, but you CAN do it.
If you ask me, it’s a way better life. And it’s a life that is in your best interest. Because when you create it, all your interests will be served with no effort on your part.
That’s because All That Is wants you to live your truths. That’s why when you live others’ truths you suffer. Suffering doesn’t have to feel like actual physical pain. It can feel like anxiety, depression, fear, insecurity and even anger or rage. None of those emotions feel good.
But appreciation, empowerment, hopefulness, joy and happiness do feel good. Very good. And when a person realizes and aligns with their truths, not others’, especially other people’s truths about being trans or trans-attracted, then their life reflects all those positive emotions and then some. Their life also includes everything that person wants.
TL;DR: The author shares a commenter expressing dismay about how trans attraction is depicted in the Netflix series “Baby Reindeer”. The author then uses that comment to show how the trope that trans-attracted people are sexual abuse victims represents shallow thinking on the part of those expressing such views.
Back in May I gushed about the Netflix Limited Series “Baby Reindeer”. My focus, obviously, wasn’t on the main plot, but the sub plot; that being the main character “Donny’s” trans-attraction. I gushed about it because I thought the entire series did a great job describing how shame and self-loathing can create a truly, sucky life.
Which is exactly what Donny lived.
While writing that series of posts, I received an interesting comment from a trans-attracted guy. The comment made a point I hadn’t considered. I hadn’t considered it because I don’t believe the point the writer made about trans attraction or about the show. So the point went right over my head.
I’m glad then, that the commenter made the point. It’s worth taking a closer look at it.
So let’s take a look at what he wrote, then unpack what he’s saying.
The comment
Reading between the lines of his comment, it’s clear the writer isn’t ashamed of his trans attraction. Not only that, it seems he’s out about it. That’s great. So here’s what he had to say. I’ve added some clarifications [in brackets] for reasons that will be obvious:
I was baffled at first that people kept asking me if I’d seen Baby Reindeer – I’ve never seen *any* must-see TV shows. Then I realised there was this cis-trans relationship subplot. People I know wanted to know how I felt about that because they know of my own orientation and dating experience…
I thought [transgender actress] Nava Mau’s performance was fantastic and [her character] “Teri” was probably the only likable and relatable person in the show tbh. But I did feel that the show let her down in plot terms. No exposition at all for *why* the main character decided to go on a trans dating site. In an ideal world, sure, it would be unremarkable, but in the real world, it’s obviously not something everyone *just does*. And in that absence of explanation it felt uncomfortably like we were supposed to see it as some kind of sexual trauma response to his previous experiences as revealed in ep. 3. When, after their split, he hardly seemed to give her another thought, that seemed to reinforce that she was almost just a plot device to show him going through stages of trauma and self-questioning.
Given that it’s based on a true story, of course, that may just be a reflection of this individual’s reality. And yes, that reality may reflect a wider reality of a lot of cis man/trans woman relationships. But I guess I’m just disappointed that the plotline in that regard always seems to be one of trauma, hangups, internalised shame, etc. That’s not at all my experience in my own relationship, and I’d like for once to see that portrayed!
So as representation goes, yes, Teri was a triumph, but as a portrayal of a relationship between a trans woman and a trans-attracted man I felt it was a lot less positive.
Shallow thinking creates condemnation
I really like this guy’s perspective. And, he’s right. I believe a trend exists in the minds of people that trans attraction is a response to some unsavory past. Often, that past includes sexual “trauma”. And while that may be true for some, I don’t think that’s true for the majority of trans-attracted men.
The commenter, clearly, hasn’t had that experience. As well, most of the men I’ve worked with also don’t have sexual “trauma” they’re responding to. Many of them did experience an event which surfaced what may have previously been unconscious orientation behavior. But sexual abuse “trauma” doesn’t create trans attraction in people.
Take me, for example. I didn’t realize my trans-attraction until a girlfriend in Japan took me to a bar that featured trans go-go dancers. That doesn’t qualify as sexual trauma or abuse. But it did open my eyes to an aspect of who I was.
One could say the trope that trans-attracted men trans attracted because of past sexual abuse parallels the idea that trans women are just “men in a dress”. Like the latter, the former offers no introspection or analysis. Nor does it reveal any effort on the part of the speaker to understand trans attraction, nor the men (and women) who orient that way sexually. Such comments don’t point to a truth. They just represent shallow thinking on the part of the person expressing them.
Which is why they’re worthy of us ignoring them.
Another trope needing examination
Trans-attraction is just as valid as any other sexual orientation. For transgender people, it is an important orientation. That’s because such people represent perfect matches for trans people. And because of that, trans people can find love they desire.
I’ve written before about how every sock finds its shoe. The way the Universe works, no aspect of being goes unmatched. There always exists someone to match someone who wants to match with someone.
Now, some people do exist for which no match exists. Such people eventually discover they are happier without relationships. I’ve known women who, after dating men and women, for example, discover their best relationship is with themselves.
That’s a great realization to come to. But it often comes after trial and error. Because all of us are conditioned so strongly to have a relationship. Otherwise something is wrong with us. And that’s another expression that’s gone without much examination.
A lot more happiness would exist if people didn’t try fitting themselves into the box the peanut gallery prescribes. That goes for trans people, trans-attracted people and everyone else.
Stories DO create reality though
All that said, I did have a client who believed part of his experience in desiring trans women came from what HE considered to be sexual trauma involving a relative. After looking at what happened over several months, however, we discovered a couple things about that experience. One, such sexual experimentation between relatives is very common. It’s not sexual abuse. And two, his role in it was far less offensive than he was making it.
In other words, his stories about what happened shaped his judgments about what happened. They also shaped his self-judgement. A self-judgement so harsh he contemplated suicide many times.
These days, however, this client is becoming more and more free of his negative stories. As a result he’s finding himself more comfortable accepting who he is, what he likes, and what happened in the past.
And that’s the point of all of this. Our stories create our realities. That’s why it’s so important looking at the stories we have. Looking at them we change those that create experiences we don’t like. Every experience we don’t like comes as a result of beliefs we hold. That means any experience we don’t like we have the power to change.
I think Donny, the main character in Baby Reindeer showed us this. By changing his stories he came to embrace who he was. The result not only transformed his life, it also produced a sensational hit streaming show.
Read my series on that show here: Post one, post two, three and four.
