As I write this post, I’m thinking back to my past and my own journey on the “Chaser-to-Transamorous” path. It’s been quite a few years. I’ve written nearly 500 posts about trans-attraction and transamory. I’ve shared my journey of self-discovery and acceptance while offering advice, initially for trans-attracted men. But I gradually shifted that focus to trans women.
As I wrote in a recent post, many trans women and trans-attracted men expressed appreciation for what I’ve shared here over the years. As my own self-discovery included a path into deeper, esoteric spirituality, that knowledge found its way into The Transamorous Network content too. This included this blog, our podcast, our YouTube Channel and more. It’s been fun sharing my journey, offering advice to others and receiving positive support from readers.
Of course, I’ve also received messages from haters, mostly bigoted trans women suffering from self loathing, who projected their hate onto me. I appreciate those people too because those people had me focus even more on supporting the community with the material I offered. I knew those women’s comments had much more to say about them than they did my writing, my content or me as a person. And I knew what I offered could actually help them.
Fifteen years…at least
Speaking of me as a person, discovering my transamory alongside my spiritual origins has been an incredible journey. I remember when I first saw a trans woman. It was in the early 80s in Osaka, Japan. My girlfriend at the time thought it would be entertaining to take me to a Yakuza bar where all the “go-go” dancers were trans. Little did she know, or maybe she did know from a spiritual perspective, that introduction sparked a flame in me.
That flame grew into an adventure that, at first, I struggled valiantly to repress. I was in the Marines after all, before the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell mandate. Being queer was a dischargeable offense. Still, my transamory wouldn’t be denied.
It took more than 15 years, I think, to embrace my queerness and my attraction to trans women. During that time I struggled, but always knew myself as the individual I am today. I knew I would make it through someday. And after making it, I decided to start The Transamorous Network to help others make it. Helping others has been rewarding.
And yet all adventures either come to an end, or they change.
Getting to know myself
My adventure taking the form of The Transamorous Network is about to come to an end. This is the last post. I’ll be focusing on my cisgender audiences going forward. Cisgender people comprise the majority of my clients these days. My experience with them shows them more open to moving along the spiritual path I offer. It feels wonderful seeing them resonate with results they produce through my guidance. So focusing on them is where I want to commit my energies. Doing so feels good and nothing matters more than feeling good.
As I close this chapter of my adventure, I’m reflecting on my own journey, one that began, like many men, with the thought that I was gay. Being on the DL all that time didn’t stop me from exploring. That exploration included having encounters with men. I wanted to find out if I was gay, or was there something else going on with me. At that time “trans-attracted” wasn’t a thing. At least I wasn’t aware of such a term.
So while I still dated cis women, I also explored with men and with trans women when the opportunity presented itself. These days, I’ve had enough experience with pretty much every gender to know what I like, what I’m attracted to and why. I approached this with the same zeal I approached getting to know my spiritual nature. That’s why I know myself as transamorous. Not a chaser. Not a fetishizer.
All things change…
What I find interesting as this chapter closes is my sexual practices have changed. To understand how, I want to tell a story of something that happened while I was still exploring.
Decades ago, I had a long-term affair with a guy named Bill. It lasted almost 20 years. He wasn’t at all good looking, but he had a giant dick I loved to suck and get fucked by. We were really good friends and that’s what the relationship emerged from: our friendship. He was a top and not interested at all in being a bottom. Not that I was encouraging that, I really loved his dick (and came to love him over time, romantically, interestingly enough).
Bill was a sex fiend and couldn’t get enough. I knew this about him and just assumed he was careful. I was shocked one evening though when he told me he had contracted HIV… Years later we reconnected after a rather messy end to our relationship triggered by my fear he put me at risk (I’m HIV-). During this reconnection, Bill shared, to my shock and awe, that he was now a bottom!
I’m sharing this because, recently, I’ve been contemplating my anal play and whether it really offers the sensual stimulation I enjoy so much, or is it instead more of a psychological thing….I’m coming to the point that it is way more the latter than the former. Especially after meeting Yuri and enjoying performing the traditional male role with her.
Post-transamorous and the next adventure
So I’m really close at the moment to declaring myself, no longer interested in being strictly a “bottom”. I find this interesting because I never thought that aspect of me would change. Even though I saw it happen with someone I knew very well.
I feel resolute about this change, in the same way Bill felt about his. It’s interesting contemplating how my life seems to be coming full circle. At least as far as my sexuality is concerned.
And perhaps this is the case with many men who find themselves attracted to trans women. Perhaps, at the end of the day, what we trans-attracted men are looking for is self understanding. And we discover that, as many people do: through the mirror inherent in all relationships.
I’ve had many relationships and have used them to chart my own journey to self-discovery, as, I’m sure, my partners did too. Along the way I’ve met some stellar people, both trans-attracted and transgender. This has been a great journey.
And the journey continues. But it no longer will focus on my wanting to convince the trans community that they are empowered, powerful, creative beings creating their reality as they move through life, and thus can enjoy a life where all they want is theirs. They are that, as is everyone else. Yet, it’s time for me to take the next step in my journey. That requires no longer trying to convince people who are not ready to hear this uplifting message.
So with that, I bid the trans community adieu. The next chapter of my adventure awaits. A chapter where I move beyond identifying as transamorous. I just am.
PS –
If you’re still interested in hearing from me, subscribe to my other blog Positively Focused, on WordPress, Medium, Tumblr and my Facebook Page by the same name. Across all these platforms, Positively Focus enjoys more that 15,000 followers.
The Transamorous Network will likely cease to exist within the next few months.
PPS –
One of the first transgender clients I served, has followed this blog pretty much from the beginning. Her response to this post is the perfect capstone. It’s an example, I know, of how many trans women have benefited from my writings. And so, I leave with her well-wishes:
TL;DR: The author argues for happiness as the one thing that will give people everything they want. They also describe the origins of All That Is as individual consciousness and encourage trans and trans-attracted people to discover this “truth”.
It seems crazy to say in this divided world we live in, especially when it comes to trans people, but the evidence is overwhelming: The happier we are, the better the world goes.
This is especially true for transgender and trans-attracted people. After all, we came into the world with world-changing intentions. That’s why we come in completely outside the “normal” box: because in our being we offer world transformation.
And when we align with happiness that is our natural state, then not only does our life go well shining like a beacon of how good life can be for others, the world gets bathed in that light as well. As a result, the world changes for the better.
But if we’re poopy about what we see in the world we come into, we just create more of that. Then we start believing all that we see is “true”. And then, we’re in trouble.
Because when we start trading in “true” we’ve lost our way. We came here to shape the future, not create more of what is; more of what is “true”.
We shape the future for ourselves, our friends and family and for the world around us through our happiness. Most people don’t realize that, especially trans and trans-attracted people. It’s why so many of us and other people are mostly unhappy. But when we remember who and what we are, life gets really good.
Let’s take a look today at both how and why happiness is our world-changing super power.
Let’s start with an accurate story
Imagine, if you would, that you have been in existence since the beginning of time. Way, way way back then, nothing existed; only you and potential. So out of that potential you created all that is. And in that bang, you watched things unfold.
As they unfolded, you saw things coming to be. You also saw things going out of being. As those things came and went, you knew there could be more. And so you created more. That “more” human science calls evolution. It’s not that, but whatever.
As more came into being, eventually more and more capable forms of more emerged. That included conscious life. And as that life expanded into more, you noticed something interesting; something invigorating: everything that came after what came before was better.
And those things that preceded the more, as they reemerged into the potential of All That Is, those things returned to their innate oneness of All That Is!
More, more, more…
The more this cycle continued, the more varied life got. And the more varied it got, the more complex things got. Despite all that complexity however, things always became more. And as all that “moreness” happened, you saw that it was all good, because no matter how things turned out, the things, as they turned out, either became more, or they reemerged into the potential of All That Is.
So imagine, now, here you are billions of human years later. All the things that have become more, all the things that have become and returned to potential, and all the things that have happened in that transformation of more becoming more, continues.
How would you feel about all of this happening over billions and billions of years? Would you be unhappy? Of course not. All you could see happening was becoming more, more complex more interesting…more a representative of what you are; an eternal being. And over those billions and billions of years as things worked out, you, yourself, would have become more too. And in that moreness, watching all that more happening, you would become more and more optimistic, more and more surprised.
You would become more and more delighted. And more and more eager. Your eagerness, delight, surprise and optimism would turn to appreciation for all that has come before. And that appreciation would express itself for all that has come and all that is yet to come.
Reveling in your trans/trans-attraction status
Then in your curiosity and joy, you’d want to become part of the moreness. You’d want to participate; see what it’s like in the “first person”. And so you’d put yourself into the process, becoming things, beings and elements that are making the more possible. In that experience, you’d experience terror, joy, pain, loss, happiness, triumph and more. And all the while as you moved in and out of those “first person” experiences, your appreciation would expand. It, those emotions, would become more too.
What do you think that process would evolve to, that emotional process of becoming more? Of course it would evolve into even more powerful emotions: love, being paramount.
That is what you are. You are pure love, experiencing for a brief time, a human experience. You as love energy are wanting to participate eternally in what you got started eons ago. And, as you participate, you want more. You want different experiences than those that came before. You want experiences that haven’t happened before. This is the more you crave.
So it makes sense, from this perspective that you’d come into the world as transgender or trans-attracted; two aspects you perhaps have never experienced before; as expressions of more.
Now, from that eternal perspective, would you be all poopy about being trans? Would you worry about friends or family disowning you or misgendering you? Of course not. Would you worry about people thinking you’re gay because you’re trans-attracted? Would YOU think you’re gay? Nope! You’d relish in your being. You’d be excited about your trans status. Everything you experience as a trans-attracted person would light your fire!
Happy while human
Well dear reader, what you’ve just read is what you are. But you’re only that when you, as the “first person” experiences their life in the same way that eternal being that is you experiences it. You have the option to not experience it that way, because you gave yourself free will. But when you don’t experience it that way, then you feel awful!
That awful feeling is on purpose because you want to feel your eternal knowing. You want to experience your eternal knowing because you know when you do that, you have access to something eminently powerful.
And that eminently powerful thing is that which you are. That’s right, you are the eminently powerful thing. And as that you can create any experience you want, because you’ve created everything else in your experience in your desire for more.
But accessing all the power you are requires you being that powerful thing. You do that by embracing your happiness. Happiness is our super power because when we embrace it and live in it, then we align ourselves with that full-blown powerful being that we are, yes, even while we’re experiencing human life.
So being happy while you’re a human is critical. It literally is the process by which all you want will come to you. This power is not magic though. Something important must be understood to enjoy the power you are. We’ll talk about that next.
Reaching for happiness allows all we want to happen.
It’s where “reality” comes from
Remember: we all come into the world having forgotten. Until we remember, we’re still using all that immense power to create. Everything surrounding us is our creation. That includes family members who refuse to acknowledge you as a woman as well as those who might be really angry if you come out as trans-attracted.
Where else do you think these people come from?
Situations are exactly the same. They reflect the confusion in you. Or they reflect the conflict within you. If you don’t want to be trans, but are, life will reflect that conflict back to you. You’ll attract experiences of people hating or rising up against trans people. Other things might happen too. You might lose your job or feel you must quit. You might even experience physical attacks or be ridiculed while using the women’s bathroom.
How else do you think you’re experiencing these things?
The problem with thinking they are separate from you and happening because there are people in the world who hate what you are is, when you think those thoughts, they run counter to what’s happening. What’s happening is you’re creating these experiences in order to clean up your distorted beliefs. The experiences are true! They are happening! But they don’t have to happen.
They will though and they’ll continue until you accept all that you are and feel appreciation for it.
Physical reality is a reflection of our inner state. (Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash)
A powerful sentence
When you accept all that you are, you’re primed then to come in to appreciation of who you are. Not appreciation for being trans or trans-attracted, although that’s a great first step. I’m talking about appreciating you as cause in the matter; as the originator of all you experience.
It is in that appreciation that you step into your power. After all, the following sentence can be seen as positive or negative:
I create everything I experience!
Most people, especially trans women, see that as a negative sentence. They feel blame in it or that their situation is their fault because of it. That’s because they feel themselves as hapless victims subject to people making laws restricting their rights and freedoms.
People who know what I’m writing about see that sentence in an empowering way. They see the opportunity in it. They realize nothing can happen to them that they don’t create. Then they realize they can create anything they want. And that’s the power of knowing who and what we are as eternal beings.
It’s available right now
There’s no greater power than our happiness. But in order to experience happiness we must first clear out all that creation we’ve created from our disempowered perspective. The one that has us seeing that statement above as an indictment as opposed to the powerful realization it is.
So it takes a while to make permanent the state of happiness I’m writing about. The great thing is, the happiness can come immediately. At first it won’t hang around for long because of bogus beliefs we have cultivated for as long as we’ve been alive. But in time, as we soothe those old beliefs, the happiness hangs around longer and longer.
Then, as that happens, really wonderful life experiences start happening. As I’ve written above, life is a reflection. It reflects back to us, in the form of people, circumstances and events, our inner state. And if our inner state is mainly happy, then our life must reflect that.
And it will.
I write every week about how to cultivate that state of being. I also share examples of clients doing exactly what you’ve read, and producing evidence proving everything you’ve read to themselves. So you don’t have to just take my words for it. Evidence abounds proving what you’ve read is accurate.
So the question is, how long are you going to be unhappy, anxious, and insecure? I would suggest you stop right now. Stop and cultivate your super power: happiness.
TL;DR: The author shares what happened when a trans woman invited them to test drive her new vaginoplasty. What they found and what they recommend may surprise some and confirm others’ opinion about what sex with a post-op trans woman is like.
What it is like to be inside a post-op trans woman’s vagina? What does it feel like? Is the medical miracle comparable to the real thing?
Not long ago, I got answers via an unexpected late-night invitation: a trans woman I know traveled to Thailand for her “bottom surgery”, recovered, and now wanted feedback on her new nether regions. She wanted me to take a test drive.
I was willing, if she was willing to take the feedback (and some other things) for what it was: my honest, unvarnished opinion. It was a hook up, no doubt, not something I do lightly or even frequently. But Jane, let’s call her, is a familiar person and I wanted to help. She’s also smart, kind, politically active, young and pretty. In the least, we’d have good conversation as always. So I jumped in a Lyft and headed to Southeast Portland.
I’m writing this for you guys interested in trans women who may not have had sex yet with one, or maybe have, but with a pre-op trans woman. Or maybe you have had sex with a post-op trans woman. If you have, I’d love to hear your experience.
First, upfront disclosure: I prefer pre-op trans women for obvious reasons. Before you girls start hating, realize this is MY preference. It’s way more than about the plumbing alone and if you don’t like it or understand it, go after what you want rather than railing against me. I know my preference is natural. Yours are too. So go for what you want and leave mine alone. 😊
I didn’t realize Jane had a vagina until after my Lyft had long ago dropped me at my destination and departed towards its next fare. I sat there across from Jane on a tan couch positioned oddly in the center of her apartment, amid boxes, panties, cat litter and other assorted strewables. The place looked like two airlines crashed in her apartment spewing passengers’ private things wall-to-wall. Shit was everywhere…except maybe where it should have been.
Jane offered a good excuse: She’s packing for a cross-town move. Why she thought about getting vaginal feedback now crossed my mind later, long after the test drive. But in the moment…well, let’s just say I was focused on more important things.
The point being, $35 into a $60 round trip Lyft fare, it was too late by the time she told me she had a vagina to decline the offer. Not that I would have had she told me ahead of time.
I’m not a hypocrite, so being where I am in my own development stemming from practicing what I preach at The Transamorous Network, I had no expectations what Jane’s booty call would include. She simply asked “want to come over and have sex with me?” That was it.
I had no idea what Jane had in her pants either. I knew from lengthly conversations that she saw herself “as a woman”. My awareness extended only that far. Besides, I know plenty of trans women who see themselves as women, but have penises.
As I said, Jane also is pretty, smart and fun to be around. So I didn’t mind if nothing happened, if she had a cock or something else. No specifics significantly registered. I only thought it would be nice to see her, sex or no sex.
After acknowledging this was a booty call and with small talk catchup behind us, the night got more…interesting. A fairly rigorous conversation followed about “the act”: her desires, how she liked it, what she was into, etc.
I made sure everything about to happen was consensual, without making it weird, even though I thought about whipping out my iPhone and recording us both acknowledging a consensual pairing.
Most of our pre-foreplay intellectual banter concerned Jane’s preoccupation with my pre-op preference.
Like some trans girls, Jane is hyper-sensitive over men who prefer pre-op trans women. I get that sensitivity. While some men can and probably do get off being objectified — by trans women and others — sometimes for their endowments, their six pack, or money, for example, most trans women I know aren’t too keen on a guy liking them only for what they’re packing.
Some men do objectify pre-op trans women. But most of the men I work with through The Transamorous Network want something more than sex with trans women. They’re rational enough in their desires though to know what they like, and I encourage self-love, honesty and integrity in all my clients.
Desires, I tell them, are to be fulfilled. So long as my clients tell stories consistent with what they want, what they want will fulfill themselves. Same with trans women and their desires. Planet Earth contains enough time and space for everyone’s desire. One needn’t criticize what another wants just because one doesn’t want that.
If a trans woman doesn’t want to be objectified for having a penis, she won’t so long as she tells stories consistent with what she wants (being seen for all she is) instead of what she doesn’t want (being seen only as having a penis).
So trans women: Go get what you want. Leave others to their desires.
By the time we talked through Jane’s triggered story about my preference (which was irrelevant) sex was a foregone conclusion. No one was backing out, neither Jane, nor I, nor my curiosity, nor her feedback desires.
I had never been with a post-op trans woman. This would be an interesting anthropological adventure! What happened next was….
I should also add here that I’ve led a robust sex life, filled with many, many women, some men, trans people (yes, trans men too) and other more advant garde experiences I needn’t share. The point is, I’ve been around body parts. Including LOTS of vaginas.
I also have a fair understanding about how doctors perform the delicate surgical origamic alchemy transmogrifying a penis into a vagina. It’s a medical miracle, frankly, that it functions at all.
I’ve heard second hand from trans women that their artificial vag works just great, so well these coital doppelgängers work, men can’t tell the difference they say.
Yet never had I heard men describe their experience being in one. This was my first-person opening, a slot inviting my entry, so to speak. So, with relish, I took my shirt off. Then my pants…
Looking back I’d say it was what I thought it might be. Our pairing carried a tone more clinical than amorous. Imagine having sex with someone knowing researchers watched through a two-way mirror you knew was a two-way mirror. Or you had sex with a fellow researcher, while each of you remained mostly in clinical mindsets while fucking…
Going with that clinical vibe, here’s what I observed:
As much as a trans woman might say it is, it isn’t. Once inside, even with lube, it felt like a crevice designed with no thought as to the shape of a penis. It felt as though someone opened a hole in a body, but didn’t bother to contour it in a way to make it vaginal-like.
Unlike a vagina, no fleshy folds awaited inside to coddle me to orgasm. Instead it felt like rubbing against exactly what it was: epidermis. Not only was it too shallow and thus most unwelcoming for my length, it also featured insufficient diameter. Even with lube it felt the whole affair would rip my penis skin off, like the skin of a grape, were any intensity applied.
As we both undulated ourselves while in the act, I felt an uncomfortable hardness. No, it wasn’t my erect penis, rather it was a bone… I mused as to whether that was Jane’s pelvic bone, which made being inside her an uncomfortable experience in addition to feeling near flayed.
Also unlike a vagina, there appeared to be two bulbous, fleshy forms just above and inside the “vaginal” canal, only slightly protruding, like a tiny prolapsed anus. It felt exactly like a little penis peeking out of a cave. When Jane came, I felt ejaculate shoot from between those fleshy forms, much like ejaculate from an erect penis.
Speaking of penises, somewhere in my pelvis lies a muscle. When flexed, my erect penis, rises and falls without manual assistance. I don’t know whether a vaginoplasty, the medical term for “turning a penis into a vagina”, includes dismantling that muscle.
In Jane’s case, whenever she moved her hips as though to thrust, I felt the two fleshy forms aforementioned move…not vaginal like, but like a penis. That movement and the discharge gave me the distinct impression that, despite its transformation, and no matter how emasculated it may have become, a penis was, in fact, still present and accounted for, but now literally hood-winked into appearing as a vagina.
Finding my way around the vaginal exterior confounded me as well. It resembled no vagina I’m familiar with. I couldn’t find the clear and pleasantly erect, welcoming clitoris typically shrouded in its fleshy hood near the vaginal apex, even when Jane insisted it was there and vigorously played herself to orgasm.
Despite our mutual arousal the whole time, the experience was less than satisfactory.
I shared my thoughts in detail with Jane afterwards in candid, no uncertain terms. Not surprisingly, she took it in stride, listened intently while taking mental notes. She thanked me for the honesty and said other men she’s been with said it was just like a vagina. I don’t know these men, so I can’t speculate at all about their prior experiences. I only speak from mine.
I know trans women don’t get vaginoplasty, vulvoplasty, SRS, or “bottom surgery” – whatever you want to call it – for the pleasure and satisfaction of the men. I presume the main reason some (not all) trans women go to such lengths is so their exterior decor matches their interior identity blueprint. They want to look how they feel…to them, most of all. They want to look in the mirror and see only that which matches how they feel. Many feel strong rejection of their penis.
I get that.
My opinion and experience therefore doesn’t matter as far as trans women go. If a trans woman wants such a procedure, I say whatever makes you happy. Maybe somewhere on the list for such women, a future partner’s experience counts. Maybe not.
Still, the following might be helpful.
One of my former clients, a senior medical professional who runs a major health organization, is familiar with vaginoplasty and vulvoplasty procedures. When I described my experience my client said my observations were “clinically and anatomically spot on”.
“It’s extremely difficult,” my client said. “To create something where there is nothing. Most literature in the field says results are marginal and often dissatisfying” in both form and function. He continued by saying invariably partners don’t experience satisfaction with such procedures and that it is routine that subjects return for repeated modifications.
“This is a major procedure and in my opinion not worth the risk and expense because once done, no matter how unsatisfied, it can’t be reversed. And at this point, the results are not satisfactory,” He added.
We both agreed over the reasons, the stories, which drive some trans women to seek a visage matching their ideals. So my client says such trans women should seek the most capable provider possible, with no concern for expense, so they are happy with the outcome. Even then, he says, they may have unsatisfactory results.
I have a hard time believing guys, especially those with ample vaginal experience, would find such a surrogate satisfactory, let alone pleasurable. My client, with medical experience agrees: “Any man who has had sex with cis-women will know right away what they’ve entered is not a vagina.”
I asked him whether there are skeletal differences between men and women in the pelvic area, explaining my experience with what I thought was Jane’s pelvic bone.
“Indeed,” He said. “The female pelvic arch, where the genitals are, is wider and higher than the male pelvis. So it’s highly likely you were grinding against her “male” pelvic bone while trying to find the right angle inside her “vagina”.”
The subpubic angle is the angle produced by the inferior rami of the pubis, which creates the pubic arch. In women, the subpubic angle will generally be equal to or greater than 80 degrees (obtuse), which is similar to the shape of the letter “L”. In men, the pubic arch is narrower, creating a subpubic angle that is usually less than or equal to 70 degrees (acute), making it a similar angle to an upside down “V.”
That upside down V was exactly what I bumped up against. Here, look at this drawing for clarification, which also comes form registerednursern.com.
Take note of differences in pelvic arch location and shape between a male pelvis (left) and female pelvis (right). The male pelvis arch is lower AND far more narrower, meaning, you’re going to hit it while fucking. Especially during missionary style. Photo: registerednursern.com.
“We’re just not at the point where that kind of surgery can produce convincing results,” My client said. “And it’s highly unlikely we’ll be able to create from scratch a faithful replica to what it feels like entering a vagina.”
I remember one day, decades ago, accepting a quite young trans man’s invitation to hook up, before Craigslist kiboshed its personals section. When I arrived at a St.Johns apartment, a beautiful, pierced young person with a full face of stubble welcomed me. When he took off his clothes, he had had not a stitch of surgery. Everything “girl” remained untouched. Beauty rivaling Venus stood before me. Venus with a beard and short hair.
As I feast my young eyes upon them, pang of sorrow accompanied my awe. I knew some day this guy would likely go under the knife, irreparably altering what I experienced as a perfect human specimen.
And yet, beauty IS in each beholder’s eye. What must be done must be.
I’m glad I had this experience with Jane, even though what she has holds no candle to a natural vagina. Not in my opinion anyway. Guys: Whatever you call it, this procedure has a long way to go. Natural vaginas, as yet, have no rivals. If a vagina is what you want, stick to cis-women.
I know my experience is but one data point, with a doctor’s endorsement of sorts. Still, I hope what I experienced was not state of the art. If so, it’s not worth the money in my opinion, and the state of the art is…disappointing.
I’m glad I prefer, and get the opportunity to enjoy, penis-equipped women, who are, like me, happy with what they have. If you like what I like, I assure you there are at least as many women out there who want to keep their penis, as there are numbers of us willing to go to bed with and love out loud penis-equipped women. Go for what you want.
Don’t worry about people condemning your preference. Your preference isn’t theirs so their opinion doesn’t matter. Let no one talk you into compromising. Especially rants from trans women. They don’t know you. They aren’t you. You are you, be that.
And for those girls who feel they must get bottom surgery: you go for what you want too. But please don’t let impatience or economics lead you towards regret. What I’ve found is the doppelgänger turned out to be a poorly-conceived and executed facsimile. My advice for men again: if you want a vagina-equipped woman, the cis-variety is the best bet.
TL;DR: The author argues for trans and trans-attracted people being selfish as the way to create a happy life for themselves. They share a client’s experience in creating happiness to illustrate and support his argument.
Trans women and trans-attracted men: Let’s talk about relationships. There’s a lot to talk about here. Mainly because most of us feel relationships are one of the most, if not the most, important things. After all, we are told, we need relationships to be happy. Everything we do, need and want, it seems, comes through relationships. It is relationships with others that create community. It’s relationships through which we – supposedly – find love. Such relationships also create safety, belonging and a whole lot more.
And, if we’re honest with ourselves, relationships also offer the worst in humanity. Relationships with others are the framework through which some of humanity’s worst traits surface. Greed, conflict, psychopathy and violence all would be meaningless were it not for relationships.
So relationships aren’t all rainbows and butterflies, as the saying goes. We all know this. Just ask Israelis and the Palestinians…relationships can suck. And yet, a lot about what we seem to be – human – seems to compel us toward relationships. Especially relationships with other humans.
There’s a far more satisfying, powerful relationship, however, one through which everything we want comes. It’s so all-encompassing, we literally can’t survive without it. And when we prioritize that relationship above all else, we can live our wildest dreams.
That relationship is what I’m writing about today.
Let’s dive in.
Over all else
The relationship I’m referring to has nothing to do with a god, especially the Christian god or Jesus. But this relationship does tap into the power Christians ascribe to their god.
The trouble with this relationship, however, is it’s as plain as the nose on our faces, and yet, we invariably prioritize other relationships ahead of it. And that out-of-whack prioritization creates all the troubles we have in other relationships. That’s because that which we could enjoy a relationship with wants our undivided attention. When we give it that attention, undivided, everything else in life flows easily.
What relationship could I possibly be referring to?
The relationship with ourselves.
That’s right, there’s no better, more satisfying, more powerful relationship than the relationship with ourselves. The reason why is because everything we see “out there” in the world springs from this relationship. So when we get this relationship where it should be – as our number one priority – then everything “out there” falls in line.
It doesn’t happen in an instant. That would be magic and magic isn’t a thing. But when a person prioritizes themselves over all else, then gradually, all else reflects the improvement inherent with prioritizing a relationship with themselves over all else!
Selfishness: a virtue
That seems like circular logic, but, as I’ve written before, the Universe and All That Is functions on circular logic. All That Is exists to joyfully know itself. The paradox of that is, the more it seeks to know itself, the more of itself it creates. This process makes All That Is – and you and me – eternal. So the more All That Is seeks to know itself, it creates more of itself to know. That’s the glorious circular process often described in ancient teachings.
Now, some might argue that prioritizing one’s self over others leads to selfishness. I completely agree. But I know selfishness is not bad. In fact, it’s the best way to be. Because when one lives that way, they discover everything else, including other people, are able to take care of themselves, leaving the person free to be, enjoy and lavish their life.
Indeed, when we put ourselves first in all things, our life also improves. We stop trying to change things over which we have no control. Letting go of such tasks feels better and better. And when we feel better, the world around us reflects that better mood back to us. It reflects it in ever-improving life experiences.
So, really, we have control of all of our experience. How? Because experience reflects back to us our inner state. And when we prioritize our inner state – our relationship with ourselves – then our life experiences reflect that improved inner state.
We also feel love and other higher emotions more. That’s because when we seek to know ourselves, which is aligned with what the Universe always does, we can’t help but feel the eternal joy that is Universal consciousness.
Put it to the test
That previous section may sound like a bunch of “New Age” hooey. Especially to cynical, jaded trans women. But it’s 100 percent accurate. I can write forever about how powerful what you’re reading is. But nothing compares to evidence produced by your lived experience.
So if you’re having trouble believing this stuff, I suggest you prove to yourself how accurate it is.
So how do we prioritize the relationship with ourselves? It doesn’t seem easy when the entire outside world encourages prioritizing others over ourselves. So it takes practice. It helps to know that a “self” exists in us worthy of our undivided attention. That “self” is the “god in human form” I write about in my other blog. Discovering its existence is easy.
The best way to do that is by testing Positively Focused premises, which are summed up in the phrase “you create your reality through the stories you tell”. As a person tests these premises, they create, or manifest, experiences – people and things – that come in surprising, seemingly coincidental ways.
And when so many of such manifestations happen over and over, the person must acknowledge something other than “coincidence” is at work. That acknowledgement is just like acknowledging there is a self worthy of having a relationship with. Paradoxically, the person testing these premises, once they start seeing things happen, will want more things to happen. As more happens, they also get more bold: they want bigger things to happen.
As their desires grow in scale or magnitude, their trust grows. Their trust in themselves and in this self they are building a relationship with.
Betrayal births bitterness
Growing that relationship brings a necessary letting go of beliefs keeping us all prioritizing others over ourselves. As we let go of them, we might have to face hard-seeming choices. Often it means disregarding what others think of us. Sometimes that looks like cutting off certain people, including family members.
For example, a client recently faced having to cut off her daughter. Her daughter, the epitome of a hellion, raked the client over all kinds of emotional coals throughout their 20-year relationship. Yet, the client believed she had to be there for her daughter, despite the poor treatment, because that’s “what parents should do”.
Little did she know she created the belief “that’s what parents should do” after her parents did something the client considered unconscionable.
Throughout her youth, her parents promised her they’d save for and pay for her college. But when the client was 16, the parents reneged on their promise. Because of this the client felt her parents betrayed her. She bitterly resented their decision and that bitterness festered in her.
An angel disguised as a devil
The betrayal was personal for her. So, when she had a child out of wedlock, something she didn’t want in the first place, the client swore to “make things right” by not doing to her daughter what her parents did to her.
The problem with all of that is the Universe has an amusing way of showing us all how our bogus beliefs aren’t in our best interest. It will give us experiences reflecting our bogus beliefs right back at us. If you think all men interested in trans women are chasers, you’ll only meet that kind of guy, for example. If you believe all trans women are not passable or psycho, you’ll get that. In the client’s case, the Universe gave her a hellion daughter. And boy, did this young person torture her!
Their relationship was making the client miserable. Little did she realize, this daughter was an angel the client sent herself. The angel’s mission: to teach the client she has everything she needs within her, to stop blaming her parents, and to put herself first.
After weeks of learning to prioritize herself through what I offer, the client, after one particularly harrowing conversation with her daughter, decided to do just that. She cut her daughter off and the relief she felt was immediate. With each passing day, her relief grew.
Doubling down
Thirty days in, she was feeling great. But then, her old created reality, born of her belief “that’s what parents should do” reasserted itself. Her daughter reached out and kept reaching out. She wanted to “fix” their relationship. The client couldn’t resist. She felt pulled, by her belief, to reconnect. Which is what she did.
This kind of thing typically happens. A client will have an epiphany making their life much better. But then, old belief momentum draws them back into their old way of being, the being they left behind. Usually, when that happens, it shows the client why they would have been better off not letting that happen.
But there’s no way clients can get it wrong. For these kinds of “set backs” actually amplify their commitment to put themselves first. Which is exactly what happened with this client.
The reconnection was horrible. Nothing got “fixed”. And it reminded the client what had been absent for 30 days. It also put those past 30 days of relief, peace and ease in proper perspective. She wanted more of that. So she doubled down on cutting her daughter off.
The way to relief
Two weeks after her recommitment her husband said something remarkable over dinner.
“You seem really happy,” he told her. The client agreed, she did feel happy, happier than she had in decades. The husband credited that return to happiness to his wife cutting her daughter off. But the client knew it was primarily because she was putting herself first and that caused her to make a choice she otherwise would not have been able to do.
A week later, her husband once again noticed.
“It’s so good seeing you so happy,” he said. The client agreed. She said she was returning to the self she knew before her daughter “happened”.
Now, it’s not that the client doesn’t love her daughter. She loves her and wants the best for her. But she realizes that, to be happy, she must put herself first. And when she does that, she thrives. And as she thrives, eventually, her daughter will too. That must happen because the client’s experience and everything in it, including her daughter, reflects back to her, her inner state. Before, her daughter reflected the client’s inner turmoil. Turmoil born of expecting her parents to have put her first, when, obviously, they could not have.
Their decision not to pay for their child’s college was the right thing: they had to put themselves first. The client was making them wrong for doing what they knew was right. And so, the Universe, through her daughter, was showing the client the way to relief.
Putting ourselves first is the best way to personal happiness. (Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash)
It’s all choice
And that’s the thing about realizing what comes from putting ourselves first. We realize no one is responsible for our happiness but us. And, no one can make us happy but us. Any other happiness source is fleeting, capricious and fickle. As such, such happiness sources are not in our best interest to put before the one relationship that really matters.
Meanwhile, as I mentioned before, everything in our experience improves when we do this. And so, the client’s daughter’s life must also improve, as she learns what her mother did: That she must put herself first and stop relying on her mother for her happiness…or anything else, including tuition, food and rent.
Relationships are not about people coming together, planning together, working out problems, coming up with solutions together, compromising, and investing in and extracting from each other what they need, all while claiming to love one another. Rather, each person is 100 percent responsible as a creator for creating the best version of their life.
When they do that, the whole world improves, but only for that person. In the meantime, those choosing a different life way fade out of that person’s experience. Then those reflecting the person’s new choice show up as reflections of that choice made.
This explains why so much variety in life experience exists. People are choosing, either deliberately or not, then the world reflects back to them the nature of that choice.
It’s all about unconditional love
This means, first cultivating a strong relationship with one’s self is paramount. When that happens, life reflects back to the person only the best things in life, because that’s just what happens when one puts themselves first.
Then, and only then, can a person create better versions of life AND better versions of people in their lives. They create versions of people by coming into the presence of another with their relationship with themselves so secure, that that other person has no choice but to reflect back to the creator a version of them matching what’s going on in the creator.
And when the creator achieves that, sees the person exhibiting the version of themselves the creator envisioned, and then revels in that, the manifestation of evidence of their creation, then that person being created feels that reveling as unconditional love for them. And that changes that person irreparably.
That’s why selfishness is so important. It can literally change human relationships. It does that through love, which is what ourselves have in abundance for us.
And that’s how we can influence others in the best way. “Influence” happens whether we know we’re doing it or not. Unfortunately, for most of us, we’re using that influence by recreating versions of people we don’t like, by complaining about their behavior, wishing they were someone that they’re not, or complaining in general.
Meanwhile the one relationship that empowers us to have a different experience of all we experience awaits us. That relationship is all unconditional love. And when we prioritize that relationship, we become that: Unconditional love.
TL;DR: The author shares the story of a trans-attracted man who finds bliss in his discovery that his reality comes from stories he tells.
Every time a client texts me with evidence their life is getting better, I delight in the receipt. That’s because I know when they send me such messages, they’re having the time of their lives. It’s also delightful because their improved life amplifies my knowing in this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business, aka (by some) as “Wishful Thinking”. LOL.
When some people use that “Wishful Thinking” moniker, they’re being pejorative. They don’t believe this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business is real. They believe that because this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business is working for them. It’s just reflecting back to them the manifestation of their belief: that this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business doesn’t work, or it’s pseudoscience or new age quackery.
The jokes on them though because this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business is working, just like it does for me and all my clients. I love that!
But I love more when clients text me with their wonder. That’s what I’m writing about today.
Beliefs defending themselves
This past week a trans-attracted client finds himself as wonder-filled as I am. Except, he’s finding himself so dumbfounded by his manifestation results, he sometimes slips into disbelief.
I love when that happens too because it means that client finds himself in a Belief Confrontation. A Belief Confrontation is when All That Is shows us something at odds with our beliefs. When that happens, the juxtaposition of our belief, and the reality we’re experiencing at that moment, is so jarring, our belief “defends” itself.
Our belief doesn’t put up its dukes and gets into a fist-fight with the reality. It’s not human after all. But the energy and momentum comprising our belief is strong. And that strong momentum, when confronted with another strong momentum of energy or vibration, experiences a kind of polarity shift. Kind of like when you try put two magnets together and they repulse one another.
When that polarity shift happens in a human, the human feels an emotion. Typically the emotion is negative. That negative emotion comes on instantaneously and can feel so strong it can compel the human into a psychologically defensive stance. They’ll resist that which doesn’t accord with their beliefs. Or they might willfully ignore it.
Our civilization is full of examples illustrating this process underway. And it’s underway all the time, everywhere.
It really works
After clients produce evidence that “you create your reality by the stories you tell” is accurate, force accompanying Belief Confrontations ease, allowing the client to feel the force without it taking them over. That’s what happened with this client. He deserves some praise because he’s significantly soothed his Belief Confrontations around the fact that he’s in the driver’s seat of his life, no one else, and that he can create any life he wants.
So when he texted me, he briefly expressed some disbelief, but followed that up with a string of evidence showing this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business works. And that balance – between the brief disbelief and the litany of evidence – amplified within him his growing momentum aligning with the belief “this ‘you create your reality by the stories you tell’ business really works!”
Here’s what he texted me:
A trans-attracted client amplifying his belief in this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business by sharing his powerful results.
There’s no evidence proving this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business doesn’t work. Again, even for those who think it doesn’t work, it’s working. It’s working by showing those people a reality in which the belief “this ‘you create your reality by the stories you tell’ business doesn’t work” doesn’t work!
But for those willing to soften that belief, those people’s worlds will increasingly show them that this “you create your reality by the stories you tell” business does work. And as that evidence grows, the person will consciously come into their own power. The power they knew they had when they first incarnated as human.
The Charmed Life
We all came here in our human experiences to enjoy our creative power. That includes trans people. We all are incipient gods becoming more in a structure we have created as a part of the consciousness of All That Is. That sure sounds like a circular argument. But that’s only because All That Is is circular in its awareness and purpose.
All That Is is all about one thing: knowing itself through expanding its awareness of itself. That’s its purpose. And it joyfully prosecutes that purpose. We are physical expressions of All That Is seeking to expand its self-awareness. As such, we too can joyfully create our experiences as we move through our human lives.
We don’t have a choice about the expansion or the experience. But we do have a choice in how that experience happens, what’s included in it, what’s not, and how much we enjoy that experience. That’s our innate gift we give ourselves.
And when we choose to deliberately create experiences which bring us joy, then that experience of human life just gets better and better. Just as my clients are seeing in their lives. And as I’m seeing in mine. It’s the Charmed Life. And it’s available to everyone. Even trans people.
