The Paradox Of Transgender Physical Reality

TL;DR: The author shares two experiences revealing a persistent behavior among trans and trans-attracted people, one that creates trouble in their lives. They then encourage trans and trans-attracted people to take control of their realities, by changing how they think about reality, asserting that one’s reality stems from one’s beliefs.

I recently had a wonderful encounter with two trans women. We attended a block party hosted by our local community center. One reason our encounter was “wonderful” was because I intended to manifest a reality wherein I met, at the block party, one of these two trans women who I had seen earlier this summer.

I’ll describe how I did that later as well as what happened next. I’ll do that while sharing about the apparent paradox I notice with trans women, one giving rise to troubles trans women face. The paradox was on beautiful display in my conversation with these two lovely people.

A client session I had also showed the same paradox, this time though, through the words of a transamorous man. The paradox I’m writing about, therefore, isn’t only happening for trans women; it’s happening for trans-attracted guys too.

It’s actually happening with every human. But since this blog is about trans/trans-attracted people, I want to keep my focus on transgender women and the men who love them, in hopes of soothing this tendency among people I care about.

Let’s dive in.

Hold on a sec

Before I dive in, a note of warning. I add this in posts sometimes because trans women write me complaining I’m invalidating their experience by telling them they create their reality through the thoughts and beliefs they think and hold. I’ve written post after post giving tangible, repeatable evidence how this happens. And yet, after reading posts in which I offer this warning, I still get trans women telling me I’m invalidating the trans experience. Of course, I know why they do that: it’s because I keep writing what you’re reading in this paragraph (LOL).

In other words, by harping on this, I’m attracting to myself insecure trans women who feel compelled to share their insecurity with me.

I’m guaranteeing some trans woman will be drawn to my writings. She’ll have a dominant negative disposition, although she’ll claim she doesn’t, and from there, from the insecurity dominant negative disposition creates within her, she’ll read what you’re reading right now. Then she’ll read the rest of this story and still make a comment that I’m invalidating her experience.

So here’s the disclaimer again: I know there are realities in which people are anti-trans. I get that legislatures in many nations are crafting anti-trans bills. Those are valid experiences and real as far as physical reality goes. I also know that no trans person needs to have those things in their personal experience. That’s the reason why I write this stuff. I write this stuff to help guide trans women (and trans-attracted men) who are ready to free themselves from lives that suck and eliminate gender bigots from their experience. So if you aren’t ready to do that, please, don’t read any further. This story is for people who are ready.

Ok, let’s look at what happened at this block party.

Intention creates a “coincidence”

I had seen one of the trans women, I’ll call her Charlie, a few times this summer. We barely made eye contact as we passed, her leaving the center, me just arriving. One day we did make eye contact though and we both greeted each other, I thought, warmly.

I wanted to get to know her, but only as a friend. After all, I didn’t know her and who knows if we matched. These days I’m not looking for a partner as my life is full as it is. Yet, I felt drawn to this person.

Knowing what I know, I set the intention that I’d see her at the block party. The community center had advertised it for some time now and it was just around the corner.

Now, think about this. The event was all day on a Saturday. There’s a high probability, given the over 12 hours of event time and hundreds of people who would show up, that I would not see Charlie. From a “realistic” stand point, we’d pass like ships in the night, with she going at one time, staying a while, and me going at another time.

But I know what I know. I know the Universe bends to our intentions when we allow ourselves to be aligned with our Broader Perspective. I’ve done that for decades now, so I know my chances of meeting a stranger more than once isn’t up to chance or coincidence. It’s completely up to my intention to want to see them and my belief that I will.

It wasn’t a surprise, therefore, when, I arrived at the event and, in the first five minutes saw Charlie walking around.

Changing topics….slightly

I have a Transamorous client who is making great headway in cleaning up his stories. I write about him often on this blog. He’s the client wanting to be a successful comedian.

This week we talked about his very first stage performance. It went way better than he thought it would. As it should have because he, like me, understands how the Universe works. So he set an intention that it would go well and it did.

While reviewing the recording he made of the performance he and I talked about what could have been better. One thing we talked about was his use of the word “faggot”. In the routine he calls himself a “faggot”. He does so at the end of a very humorous story about his trans attraction.

We both agreed however, that the delivery of that word stood out from all the rest in the sentence. He way over emphasized it, thereby calling attention to it. The emphasis felt out of place to me. So I asked him about that.

Our words create our worlds

He agreed that he did overemphasize the word and said it was because internally he was still uncomfortable with his trans attraction. He still has some beliefs that conflate being trans-attracted with being gay. And that conflation has him feeling negative about himself, he said.

That’s why when he spoke that word he did so with overemphasis. It was his fear of being judged manifesting, he said, an over compensation for his negative self-image and fear that he would be judged. I agreed with that assessment.

It’s interesting how our behaviors, including our words can reveal so much about our inner state. Our words literally create our world. That is the basis of what I share with my clients. And when that world gets created, everything in it is a reflection of one’s inner state. That includes other people as well as our own words and actions.

For example, this morning at breakfast I had a wonderful conversation with a stranger. We talked about spirituality and she asked about what I do for work. While answering that question I shared how while it’s highly satisfying working with clients, I prefer a life where money just comes to me without having to do anything for it.

Love reflected back to me

Sarah then said “I know you know this, but you could create a reality where all the things you need, like your rent and food, are just taken care of for you. Why do you need to focus on money?”

I said “I appreciate you saying that because right this moment in this now, you are the reflection showing me that I still have resistance about money in my vibration. It’s very subtle, but it’s obviously still there and I know this because you said what you said.”

At that moment she gave me a big smile and said “I love you so much!” Her expression of love was acknowledging that my statement was spot on. Totally in line with what we both knew. And, it was a reflection of my own self-awareness, my clarity of my expansion and the fact that my word creates my world, including others in it, which includes Sarah.

Then I shared with her my experience with money and the disempowering beliefs I once held, beliefs that are still there, but greatly diminished, evidenced by my ability to perceive her question as a reflection rather than criticism.

I think you might see where this is going…

Back to the block party

I grabbed a free hot dog and some macaroni salad. The salad was ok but the hot dog was scrumptious! Walking around I saw the trans woman I saw moments before. Walking with her was another trans woman. They walked over to a picnic table and took a seat. I decided I’d go meet them both.

I sat at the other end of the table after asking if it was ok to do so. They said yes, of course. I write “of course” because this was the unfolding of my earlier intention. Of course they would say yes! They were cooperative components to my desire.

Turns out the girl I wanted to get to know and the other girl, I’ll call Allie, are a couple. I also found out Charlie is a lifeguard at the community center. She’s super tall and lanky. Allie works at a vet clinic in town. She used to work at Whole Foods.

While talking amongst ourselves, Allie, referring to Charlie, overemphasized the fact that Charlie is a woman by strongly, loudly saying “SHE enjoys HER job.” When she did that, I paused, just for a moment, before continuing with my side of the conversation.

The community center where I met Charlie and Allie.

Trigger finger reaction

Later Allie and Charlie excused themselves and left the event. I sat there, finished my hot dog and reveled in the fact that I had manifested the opportunity to hear more about Charlie and got to meet her partner. I also knew my positive vibes had a big impact on them both.

On my way home though, I thought about what Allie did. It reminded me of my client the comedian. I wish I had the presence of mind to call her out on that. But at the same time, I get it. I suppose many trans women are not comfortable enough being trans such that they don’t invite people who misgender them.

That’s right, everyone creates their reality. Trans women are no exception. I get this too though: most trans women don’t know what you just read, let alone believe it. So when they’re constantly being misgendered, or looked at strangely, rather than doing something that could eliminate those experiences from their lives, they instead overemphasize them. They do that by making up really negative stories about why they were misgendered or stared at.

Doing that, they perpetuate those experiences in their lives. The cycle happens over and over. Meanwhile more things aligned with their focus show up, anti-trans legislation, for example. By the time those start showing up, the trans women believe they’re right: that the world is against them.

Then they get trigger happy about it. They come to expect to get misgendered, for example. So when Allie spoke, she wasn’t speaking that way because I was about to misgender Charlie. Such a thing would never cross my mind.

But she had her finger on the pronoun trigger. And to preempt her perceived need to correct me, pulled the trigger in advance, unnecessarily overemphasizing Charlie’s pronouns.

The world is getting better…See it?

Allie doesn’t know what my clients and I know. She doesn’t know that by doing that she’s positioned herself to experience exactly what she thought she was preventing: somewhere down the line she’s going to be misgendered.

And she’ll keep being misgendered until she does something about beliefs she has creating those situations.

Those situations don’t have to happen to any trans woman. That they happen at all says something every trans woman should want to know: that the world is a diverse place. While there are many people out there who are anti-trans and more than willing to call out trans people using the wrong bathroom or misgender trans people, there are plenty of people who won’t do those things. There are people out there who will see trans women for what and who they are and treat them thusly. Like me, for example.

This is why I constantly write about how great the world is getting for trans people. I do that because it IS getting better.

But as long as trans women focus on and amplify situations where they are misgendered, where anti-trans legislation is being crafted, or whatever JK Rowling Tweets, they create more momentum behind such experiences. That momentum builds until suddenly, seemingly, even the government is against trans people. Even though it’s not. Nor is the rest of society.

It’s hard to hear but no less false

It seems counterintuitive but taking one’s attention away from such events also takes all the wind out of the sails propelling such events to their fruition. That’s right, we don’t eliminate transphobia by collectively pushing against it. That elimination happens at the individual level, with each individual choosing thoughts and beliefs which makes it impossible for the transphobe to find that person. When every trans person does that, transphobes will still exist, but they won’t have any impact on the community.

That they do have an impact tells us there are many trans people focusing on transphobia and other unwanted situations. That focus turns into experiences. And that’s why those on the receiving end of transphobia experience those things. Nothing, no one else is responsible.

Abraham putting it plain. We all create the reality we experience.

That can be hard to hear for someone feeling victimized by transphobia. But there are no victims. Only powerful creators being too stubborn to accept that they create their reality, then taking the reins of the creation process and creating something they want, instead of what they don’t.

You can lead a horse to water, goes the saying. I’m willing to write millions of words to lead every trans woman to the refreshing, thirst-quenching power they possess. I realize, however, that few are ready to hear what I’m sharing.

Those who do hear find themselves free of what most trans women complain about. They’re in successful careers. They’re married to cisgender men. In other words, they’re getting lives they love because they’re deliberately creating them.

They’ve broken free of the physical reality most transgender women face. They’ve done it by doing something out of the ordinary: by becoming curious about the idea that they create their reality. No one else.

No, Sexual Abuse Doesn’t Create Trans-Attracted People

Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash

TL;DR: The author shares a commenter expressing dismay about how trans attraction is depicted in the Netflix series “Baby Reindeer”. The author then uses that comment to show how the trope that trans-attracted people are sexual abuse victims represents shallow thinking on the part of those expressing such views.

Back in May I gushed about the Netflix Limited Series “Baby Reindeer”. My focus, obviously, wasn’t on the main plot, but the sub plot; that being the main character “Donny’s” trans-attraction. I gushed about it because I thought the entire series did a great job describing how shame and self-loathing can create a truly, sucky life.

Which is exactly what Donny lived.

While writing that series of posts, I received an interesting comment from a trans-attracted guy. The comment made a point I hadn’t considered. I hadn’t considered it because I don’t believe the point the writer made about trans attraction or about the show. So the point went right over my head.

I’m glad then, that the commenter made the point. It’s worth taking a closer look at it.

So let’s take a look at what he wrote, then unpack what he’s saying.

The comment

Reading between the lines of his comment, it’s clear the writer isn’t ashamed of his trans attraction. Not only that, it seems he’s out about it. That’s great. So here’s what he had to say. I’ve added some clarifications [in brackets] for reasons that will be obvious:

I was baffled at first that people kept asking me if I’d seen Baby Reindeer – I’ve never seen *any* must-see TV shows. Then I realised there was this cis-trans relationship subplot. People I know wanted to know how I felt about that because they know of my own orientation and dating experience…

I thought [transgender actress] Nava Mau’s performance was fantastic and [her character] “Teri” was probably the only likable and relatable person in the show tbh. But I did feel that the show let her down in plot terms. No exposition at all for *why* the main character decided to go on a trans dating site. In an ideal world, sure, it would be unremarkable, but in the real world, it’s obviously not something everyone *just does*. And in that absence of explanation it felt uncomfortably like we were supposed to see it as some kind of sexual trauma response to his previous experiences as revealed in ep. 3. When, after their split, he hardly seemed to give her another thought, that seemed to reinforce that she was almost just a plot device to show him going through stages of trauma and self-questioning.

Given that it’s based on a true story, of course, that may just be a reflection of this individual’s reality. And yes, that reality may reflect a wider reality of a lot of cis man/trans woman relationships. But I guess I’m just disappointed that the plotline in that regard always seems to be one of trauma, hangups, internalised shame, etc. That’s not at all my experience in my own relationship, and I’d like for once to see that portrayed!

So as representation goes, yes, Teri was a triumph, but as a portrayal of a relationship between a trans woman and a trans-attracted man I felt it was a lot less positive.

Shallow thinking creates condemnation

I really like this guy’s perspective. And, he’s right. I believe a trend exists in the minds of people that trans attraction is a response to some unsavory past. Often, that past includes sexual “trauma”. And while that may be true for some, I don’t think that’s true for the majority of trans-attracted men.

The commenter, clearly, hasn’t had that experience. As well, most of the men I’ve worked with also don’t have sexual “trauma” they’re responding to. Many of them did experience an event which surfaced what may have previously been unconscious orientation behavior. But sexual abuse “trauma” doesn’t create trans attraction in people.

Take me, for example. I didn’t realize my trans-attraction until a girlfriend in Japan took me to a bar that featured trans go-go dancers. That doesn’t qualify as sexual trauma or abuse. But it did open my eyes to an aspect of who I was.

One could say the trope that trans-attracted men trans attracted because of past sexual abuse parallels the idea that trans women are just “men in a dress”. Like the latter, the former offers no introspection or analysis. Nor does it reveal any effort on the part of the speaker to understand trans attraction, nor the men (and women) who orient that way sexually. Such comments don’t point to a truth. They just represent shallow thinking on the part of the person expressing them.

Which is why they’re worthy of us ignoring them.

Another trope needing examination

Trans-attraction is just as valid as any other sexual orientation. For transgender people, it is an important orientation. That’s because such people represent perfect matches for trans people. And because of that, trans people can find love they desire.

I’ve written before about how every sock finds its shoe. The way the Universe works, no aspect of being goes unmatched. There always exists someone to match someone who wants to match with someone.

Now, some people do exist for which no match exists. Such people eventually discover they are happier without relationships. I’ve known women who, after dating men and women, for example, discover their best relationship is with themselves.

That’s a great realization to come to. But it often comes after trial and error. Because all of us are conditioned so strongly to have a relationship. Otherwise something is wrong with us. And that’s another expression that’s gone without much examination.

A lot more happiness would exist if people didn’t try fitting themselves into the box the peanut gallery prescribes. That goes for trans people, trans-attracted people and everyone else.

Stories DO create reality though

All that said, I did have a client who believed part of his experience in desiring trans women came from what HE considered to be sexual trauma involving a relative. After looking at what happened over several months, however, we discovered a couple things about that experience. One, such sexual experimentation between relatives is very common. It’s not sexual abuse. And two, his role in it was far less offensive than he was making it.

In other words, his stories about what happened shaped his judgments about what happened. They also shaped his self-judgement. A self-judgement so harsh he contemplated suicide many times.

These days, however, this client is becoming more and more free of his negative stories. As a result he’s finding himself more comfortable accepting who he is, what he likes, and what happened in the past.

And that’s the point of all of this. Our stories create our realities. That’s why it’s so important looking at the stories we have. Looking at them we change those that create experiences we don’t like. Every experience we don’t like comes as a result of beliefs we hold. That means any experience we don’t like we have the power to change.

I think Donny, the main character in Baby Reindeer showed us this. By changing his stories he came to embrace who he was. The result not only transformed his life, it also produced a sensational hit streaming show.

Read my series on that show here: Post one, post two, three and four.

Why People Are Better Off Avoiding Being Vulnerable

Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash

TL:DR: The author asserts that vulnerability isn’t key to relationships as many mental health and relationship experts claim. Rather, it’s actually a problem, the author says, especially for trans and trans-attracted people. They then explain why it’s better to focus on one’s thoughts and beliefs in order to create better relationships. In doing so, people get everything they want: better relationships and freedom from fear that comes with trying to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability. Mental health and relationship “experts” claim it’s something special. They say it’s something we all should practice in order to thrive in relationship. But trans and trans-attracted people know being vulnerable is hard, scary and not very fun. After all, who wants to be seen as something other than what the mainstream tells is us ok?

Indeed the very act of being trans or trans-attracted demands a level of vulnerability most people needn’t face. It can literally be a life or death decision. But is vulnerability really the key to happiness, relationship success and more? Or is something afoot here that can disempower trans and trans-attracted people?

In this post, let’s explore why vulnerability is a myth and how dispelling the myth can help us live more joyfully. Along the way we may just also discover the key to everything else we want.

Why experts vaunt vulnerability

Vulnerability is both feared and praised. We fear it because it implies possible rejection. As said before, it also can lead to terrifying consequences. Then again, society praises it because we’re told to. Being vulnerable can also feel good because we’re putting ourselves out there honestly. And doing that can feel good. For most though, it’s usually terrifying. So much so, people won’t do it. Especially trans and trans-attracted people. Which explains why so many trans women want to pass and trans-attracted men live on the DL.

But what is “vulnerability” exactly? The definition doesn’t seem to imply something praise-worthy:

So it would seem, based on the definition, that being vulnerable is a bad thing. So why do experts vaunt it so much? One source suggests being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm, increases intimacy and trust. Not being vulnerable, it says, can lead to emotional distance, disconnection and resentment.

It would seem being vulnerable then is essential to good relationships. But is that really the case?

Rejection inherent in vulnerability

The trouble with saying it improves relationships is that being vulnerable usually requires a quid-pro-quo situation. I would suggest everyone would be vulnerable in a relationship….if their partner were equally vulnerable. That’s the trouble. No one really wants to subject themselves to physical or emotional attack. It seems extremely logical to me, then, that no one wants to be vulnerable in a relationship either. Which explains why people aren’t.

But there’s something about this vulnerability thing that runs afoul of what’s really happening in physical reality. It’s that being vulnerable is based on something that isn’t happening in reality at all. Well, it IS happening. But only because people believe it’s happening. And that belief is what perpetuates fear associated with being vulnerable.

In other words, the potential consequences of vulnerability is what keeps people from being vulnerable in the first place. Replace the word “vulnerable” with a different word, however, and the whole calculus changes.

What word do we suggest? How about authenticity.

That’s right. If instead of thinking about being vulnerable, we think of being authentic, then we go a long way to easing fear that comes with being vulnerable. The problem remains however, with the essence of what both words conjure: the risk of being harmed. And in most relationship cases, that “harm” looks like “rejection.” Although for trans people and some trans-attracted men, it can be much more than that.

Still, let’s unpack this some more.

Our thoughts make it so

In order to be vulnerable, a condition must first exist. That condition is risk. In other words, the person considering being vulnerable or authentic must first believe there is something they may be rejected over. Rejection can feel bad, but a reframing of the story we tell when “rejection” is experienced can cause that bad feeling to turn into appreciation.

What if, for example, someone rejects us because we share something intimate about us? Does that mean anything? What does it mean about us? It means nothing really. We shared authentically. That person chose something else. In this situation, both parties are better off. We’re free to connect with someone who accepts us. The other party is free now to connect with someone they connect with.

Where’s the harm in that? But when we think the rejection means something about us, then we feel bad.

Now trans and trans-attracted people face a much more complicated situation. Especially trans people. That’s because they have other – legitimate – fears of actual physical harm. Those fears must also be resolved. Those fears come from valid beliefs for sure. But replacing those beliefs with other equally valid ones can be liberating.

We can see, then, it’s what we think about being vulnerable that makes it scary. We think being that way brings risk. The belief isn’t false. But better feeling beliefs aren’t either. And those better feeling beliefs can change our experience.

Our thoughts make everything. Including the need to be, and the fear of being, vulnerable.

Preferring rejection

Being vulnerable means having to take a risk. Hardly anyone wants to take risks. But if there is no risk in being authentic, if instead there’s everything to gain, I would say many more people would be that way.

Again, the problem is the thoughts people have about rejection and what they think that means.

Vulnerability then, isn’t the problem. Making it into a venerated way of being is. Because doing so makes it seem doing something we’re scared to do is something worth doing. It’s not. Instead, it’s better to develop a new set of beliefs around being so that acting authentic is preferable to not acting that way.

That’s easy to do. And it’s not scary. When we do it, the vaunted idea of being vulnerable becomes meaningless. And when that happens, we’re free; free to be who we are. Whether people take that or leave that is up to them. It’s not our problem.

So there’s nothing special about being vulnerable. And, with a little tweaking of our thoughts, we can eliminate that concept from our minds, thereby freeing us to be. Now let’s turn up the woo a bit and see what we find.

Some would rather have this happen than be vulnerable. But there’s a better approach to vulnerability. (Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash)

Finding power in changed belief

Believing vulnerability is a thing presupposes there’s something that can happen to us that’s beyond our control. Usually, that something is bad. For trans people, that includes violence.

But, nothing can happen to us that is beyond our control. We invite everything that happens to us through our thoughts and beliefs. I get that’s hard for a trans person, for many people, actually, to believe. But that doesn’t make the assertion false.

If it’s true, we can see how vulnerability would be a problem. That’s because it presupposes risk. Belief that there’s risk is a belief. That belief will create reality consistent with it. That explains why so many fear being vulnerable. And rightly so. It also explains why it feels scary.

Rejection is similar. There are many thoughts and beliefs around “rejection”. Those thoughts and beliefs, like those behind “vulnerability”, create reality consistent with them. That’s why hardly anyone wants to feel rejected.

Change those beliefs though and the experience changes. This explains why very successful sales people, for example, don’t experience “no” as rejection. They think different thoughts and beliefs around the word “no”. This also proves it’s possible to change our beliefs around things like “vulnerability” and “rejection”. Doing so makes one much more powerful.

Beliefs matter…a lot

So if we invite our experience through our thoughts and beliefs about them, that means something important. It means that being vulnerable isn’t the key to anything. Instead, our thoughts and beliefs are. Indeed, thoughts and beliefs are everything. They literally create the world around us.

The better beliefs we hold, the better our life gets. My clients are discovering this. The more they change their beliefs to positive, empowering ones, the better their lives get. My experience is similar. The more I’ve changed how I think and what I believe, the more my life has improved. So much so, hardly anything “bad” happens to me. And those “bad” things that do happen are so insignificant, I don’t consider them “bad”. They just are.

In a short while, a person can create an ideal life, what I call the Charmed Life. This is true for relationships too. We don’t need to experience risk in relationship. But getting there requires something: not being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a problem. Instead, what’s needed is a new way of thinking and believing. One that invites only good. Including good relationships, ones matching what we’re wanting.

For trans and trans-attracted people such outcomes don’t come over night. A lot of old disempowering beliefs must first be soothed before evidence of improvement really starts showing itself.

But the more true we are to who we are, the better realities we create, including relationships. So changing our beliefs is worth it. It literally will provide us everything we want.

The Hidden Life Of Trans Attraction Revealed In Daring “Baby Reindeer”

TLDR: A Netflix Limited Series sheds light on the sexually divergent nature of trans attraction and celebrates the main character as he embraces his authenticity. The author suggests the Netflix series manifests from push back against trans people seen in parts of the world and they suggest those who see the world similarly help create an even more supportive world for trans people.

Baby Reindeer is an amazing show. The Netflix Limited Series tells a true story of an aspiring comedian and trans-attracted Britisher who makes his way through his extreme (this is film making after all) self-loathing, which lives alongside an equally sensitive emotional state.

And while events that unfold in the series are intense and in some cases hard to watch (and well depicted) they ring accurate for me, both as a Transamorous person and as someone who assists trans-attracted men with casting off their self-loathing and embracing who and what they are.

In this post, I want to share experiences I’ve heard from my clients. I want to compare them to what happens in Baby Reindeer and celebrate this show as an awesome milestone, one many in the trans community have been hoping for for years.

Fiction based on truth

First, let’s get this on the record: Baby Reindeer is HIGHLY FICTIONALIZED. It’s also dark, gritty and intense. That said, I find it an extremely accurate portrayal of trans-attracted men. How can I claim that?

Because I’ve talked with many trans-attracted men. I’ve also assisted such men get over their self-hatred, accept themselves and find peace with what they are. I’m also transamorous myself.

Many of us share similar characteristics. Chief among those: either an intense self-hatred or shame. We also share extremely fine-tuned emotional sensitivity. I believe that’s because we are a blend of both male and female energies, just as many trans women are. Nearly all the men I’ve spoken to or work with try first making a relationship work with cis women. Those nearly always end in break ups or divorce, leaving the men lonely, alone and having to face head-on their trans attraction. Finally, at least some of the men at one time or another contemplated ending it all before they turned their self-hatred or shame into acceptance.

Donny, the main character in Baby Reindeer, experiences all of these characteristics. If you’ve seen the show, then, you know Donny hates himself in the extreme. But his emotional sensitivity equals his self-hatred. This explains why Donny ends up enabling Martha, the stalker. He can’t bear seeing her pain. So he reacts to her in welcoming ways. The resonance he feels mirrors Martha’s self-loathing. And hers mirrors his. In other words, they’re a perfect match.

Donny also fails at romance with his cis girlfriend although they remain close friends afterwards. Donny doesn’t try killing himself, but his sexual rampage after getting raped very much reflects suicidal sentiment. He acknowledges this in the series.

Donny’s story may be fictionalized, but parts of it ring true for many trans-attracted men.

Rings true for me too…

My experience mirrors some of this too. Though “hating myself” would have been an over exaggeration, I did find myself in fairly intense feelings of shame. But that shame didn’t keep me from acting out on my trans attraction, late at night in bars, through personal ads and dating sites and in random encounters.

Like Donny, I too am emotionally sensitive. These days I’d call it “intuitive”. It makes me great at what I do for clients. My feminine energy is quite pronounced too. When expressing myself to those with keen gaydar, I’m often mistaken as gay (instead of queer).

Can you see how that last part might cause trans-attracted men to double down on their shame? Trans-attracted men are not homosexual. But being mistaken as one can cause a guy to feel really confused…which is what happened to Donny by the way.

Relationships with cis gender women litter my history too. Not all were horrible. But all fizzled. Looking back it’s no wonder. Especially when contrasted with how it feels being with a trans woman.

Thankfully killing myself never entered the picture. Even back then, I knew I had more to do calling me. Nevertheless, it’s clear to me that my trans attraction created situations trying to get my attention. Thank goodness I listened. This blog would not exist without me having heard their call.

A supportive trans woman is gold

It’s clear then that many trans-attracted men find themselves wracked by shame. Shame plus fear create a potent cocktail. It will literally cause these men to hide in the shadows. And, since many trans women consider these men the bane of their existence, these men, like Donny, end up suffering alone.

What’s interesting: the moment Donny confesses to himself and others all he’s been hiding, that hidden life evaporates. His freedom becomes pronounced. Trans-attracted men don’t need trans women to support them. But it sure makes the coming out easier. Which is exactly what happened in Baby Reindeer when Teri showed up.

Donny meets Teri through a trans dating site. She’s the breath of sanity and fresh air in the entire series. Played extraordinarily well by trans woman Nava Mau, the character both supports and challenges Donny. In my opinion, her support goes to the extreme. I won’t spoil the story. You should watch it.

The point is, a lesson exists in the Teri character for trans women. Even though Donny doesn’t use Teri’s support to move through his shame, and eventually loses her, that needn’t be the outcome of every potential cis-trans relationship. Indeed, as I’ve written before, I know many long-term relationships between trans-attracted/transamorous men and their transgender lovers.

I encourage trans women that if they want a man, they might want to help a trans-attracted man overcome his shame. It’s not an easy task. Some men can move through the process easier than others. But ultimately, as with Teri, the choice is the trans woman’s. Not every girl’s up for that.

Revealing and soothing

Baby Reindeer offers so much illumination on the subject of trans attraction. I don’t think Richard Gadd, the show’s creator, intended it to be about trans attraction per se. The show mainly focuses on Donny’s downward spiral, which ultimately ends with upliftment, all at the hands of an intense, long-term stalking episode. Still, so many things about trans attraction get revealed in this show, I’d say it’s a must watch for anyone wanting to understand a not-well-understood phenomena happening around and within the transgender community.

More than that, watching the series can do two really powerful things. One, it can soothe the really strong aversion many trans women have about such men, through giving them a sense of emotional understanding for what these men go through. Two, it can help the men better understand and accept themselves. And all that happens in a show that is beautiful, clever, surprising and, yes, revealing.

Go watch it.

How A Hidden Truth Kills Off Trans And Trans-Attracted Love

Photo by Michael Carruth on Unsplash

TLDR: A man befriends a transgender neighbor, recognizing the power stories hold over perceptions and beliefs. Despite clear intentions for platonic friendship, the woman’s past experiences cloud her judgment, illustrating how entrenched narratives shape, and sometimes limit, our reality and relationships.

The following experience happened a couple years ago. Sometimes, I start writing about an experience, but then my intuition tells me to wait. That’s what happened with this story. It’s still pertinent though. Because it shows how powerful our stories are.

Our stories literally shape our reality. They shape our relationships too. Even when our reality offers evidence disproving our stories, stories will still dominate. When they do, we can’t see disproving evidence. All we can see is evidence proving our stories “true”.

That’s a problem because it kills off potentially satisfying love between trans-attracted and transgender people.

Even if the Universe tries to give us experiences disproving disempowering beliefs, we won’t see them. So we stay stuck. Stuck in unsatisfying lives. Lives we keep creating with stories about what’s “true”.

If we want a more satisfying life, especially in love, we first must soften our holding on to stories creating our truth. This post offers a perfect example of how hard that can be. Our stories become so true, they (the stories) recede from our consciousness. When they do that, the life they create – to us – occurs as “that’s just the way life is.”

The stories become hidden. Then we’re stuck.

Let’s look at this excellent example.

The set up

Two years ago, I lived in a house with several others. One day, I went for a walk. I had just crossed the block when I looked up and saw someone sitting on their porch.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hello,” they said back.

I’m a friendly person. Usually, when I cross paths with someone I’ll say hello. Especially if I grok that they’re open to talking with a stranger. Sometimes it’s clear they’re “inwardly focused”. Or something’s got their attention and their “I’m closed for business” sign is on their door. In those cases, I’ll remain silent.

In this case, however, it felt right to say hello. So I did.

When the person – who was presenting as a girl – said hello back, it triggered my trans-gay-dar. Now, trans women, don’t be offended. I’ve often heard some trans-attracted and transamorous guys say they can tell when they spot transgender women. It doesn’t matter how passable they are, these men say. It’s just obvious to them.

I think that’s because they are pre-wired to perceive accurately what they’re attracted to. Just as some people are instantly aware that the person they met is someone they’ll end up married to. It’s like that.

That’s my experience too. It’s like “gaydar” – the ability of a gay man to recognize other gay men. I call this trans-attracted ability trans-gay-dar. (Now women, I’m not using that phrase to imply trans women are gay men. So don’t go there, ok?)

I get to know her

So when I saw this person on her porch, even before she said hello, I knew she was trans. Of course, it helped that it was obvious she was in the early stages of her transition. Ladies, you know what signs I’m referring to so I won’t spell all that out. Let’s just agree it was obvious.

It also was obvious that I was interested in her. Not as a potential partner though. Even back then – yes two years ago is a while – I was clear I’d rather enjoy my own company than be in a traditional relationship. So my interest was more about befriending this person. Not getting in her pants. Or even going on a date with her.

The next time I went out on a walk, she was on her porch again. This time I was returning home. She saw me, I saw her. She said hello first this time. I said hi back. A beer can sat on the small wooden table beside her chair. She took a drag on her cigarette while I continued past.

This happened a couple more times before I decided to chat her up neighborly style. Rather than passing by, I walked up the short path to steps leading to her porch. I stood by the rail and introduced myself. She told me her name, then she invited me up onto her porch. Once there, we enjoyed a pleasant exchange typical of neighbors meeting one another. I enjoyed it. I think she did too.

Next-level neighbors

The next few times I passed by her house, she happened to be on her porch, smoking her cigs and drinking. Turns out she’s a fairly-known musician. She started her transition not long ago with her band mates fully supporting her. I told her that was really cool. She didn’t ask what I did and I didn’t offer any information. I really enjoyed hearing about her. Consistent with my experience with meeting trans women, she was super smart, interesting and creative. I liked that about her. And I was clear being neighbors was all I was interested in.

Then one day I was baking some biscuits at home. I make killer biscuits. This time, I decided to make them with cheese and ham. While making them, I had a thought about giving a couple to “Ally”. I thought it would be a neighborly thing to do.

I knocked on her door, but she wasn’t there. So I left them with one her housemates along with instructions on how to warm them up. I also asked her to return the container I put them in. I included directions to where I lived.

A couple days later I received this along with my container:

She’s right. They were a delight.

I thought that was sweet. It felt like we had made a nice, neighborly connection. And now I also had someone I could share my baked goods with!

Truth rears its ugly head

Ally told me more about her music and her transition over the next couple times we happened to see each other. We met each time on her porch “coincidentally”. One day she asked: “What do you do?”

These days, my pat response to that question is: “As little as possible”. For me, life is about BEING. Not doing. I’m told westerners habitually jump right to what a person does for work when they make small talk. Not so, I’m told, in Europe. There, again, I’m told, people are more interested in YOU, not what you do for work.

Back then though, I did what every American does when asked that question. I told her that I write stories, particularly stories to help trans-attracted men and transgender women find partners.

Now, remember what this story is about! It’s about people’s “truth”; that their truth comes from their stories. And once their stories become their “truth”, they can’t see evidence disproving that “truth”.

The moment I stopped sharing what I “do”, A distinct shift occurred in Ally’s demeanor. It was clear I triggered some beliefs she had. I explained again that I had no amorous intentions toward her. Instead, I said, I just wanted to be neighbor-friends. The next few exchanges happened over Instagram, where we had followed each other.

The exchange on the topic of Ally’s shift. Blacked out paragraphs in the exchange are on an unrelated topic.

The result…

So what happened? Ally’s “truth” about trans-attracted guys dominated her ability to understand her CURRENT experience. Here she had a non-threatening, awesome opportunity to MAKE FRIENDS with someone who could LITERALLY help her re-write her beliefs about past experiences. It could also soothe some fears she has about her life. Instead, her beliefs caused her to see a threat. Even though she expressed openness and a desire – at some point – to re-engage, she never did.

Now, I’m ok with that. It’s her life. She has a right to it. And her experiences are valid.

But…

If you’ve read my stories before, you have a sense of what kind of person I am. You also have a sense of what I think about trans women. A neighborly relationship with me could have significantly altered Ally’s trajectory. I represent a data point totally inconsistent with her past experiences.

But those past experiences, and more importantly, her stories about those experiences, didn’t allow her to see disproving evidence I represented.

How often has this happened with you? Probably at least a few times.

I get it can feel scary trusting in the absence of evidence, or even worse, in the presence of evidence that trust can’t be given. And I’m not asking trans women do that. What I am asking is that they be aware that their stories are creating their reality. Then do something about that. I write every week about what “do something” looks like. And there’s no risk to doing that. Instead, it’s all upside.

Ignoring some “truth” will set us free

I don’t fault Ally for where she is. Again, her experiences are true for her. But her beliefs and conclusions drawn about the past perpetuate those experiences into the future as expectations. That makes it very hard to avoid bringing those experiences into her present. And this is what happened between her and I.

Still, I enjoyed getting to know her. She’s super smart, creative and fun to talk with. But her past colored her experience with me, someone who wasn’t like those guys she may have experienced back then. Even when I explicitly pointed out the difference she couldn’t shake loose from her beliefs.

Ally’s a great example to compare with your own. Whether trans-attracted of transgender, conclusions we draw about past experience re-creates those experiences today. We don’t even need the experience! Our beliefs will cause us to see even a totally different experience the way we experienced that past experience, leaving us unable to enjoy what’s unfolding right before our eyes.

And this is how we all usually create our reality. Thus proving the adage: past is prologue.

So leverage comes from knowing what you’re reading. For then we can do something different. We don’t have to listen to what our stories are telling us. We can create new ones. And in that creation, we can create better experiences. Better lives. And better interactions with potential partners.

It’s not easy seeing one’s active beliefs if we don’t know where to look. It is easy once we know where to look. And it can help having someone like me showing you were those active, but invisible, beliefs are causing you to have the same experiences over and over. Let’s get you out of that pattern.