You get more bees with honey, i.e., you’ll find your lover by first becoming sweet. I know I get better results when I think positive thoughts, i.e, when I tell better-feeling stories.
Even better results come when I open up and allow my positive stories to dominate my awareness. Doing that, everything I want comes into view. I see differently, subsequently I feel differently and life matches that.
That’s why living in positive stories feels good and also creates life consistent with feeling good. When I’m positive, I’m more confident, I love myself more. Like a blossoming flower, bees find me, I don’t need to look for them. So too transgender women find me, I don’t need to go after them.
I like knowing that. I knew that Tuesday morning after waking. It felt so good in fact I wrote this:
Clarity in wake state feels like cool wind on hot, sun splashed days. A welcome relief. Negative thoughts ringing loud and clear, are clarions sounding future wake state moments, a future foretold, my future, a future unwanted.
Aware now, I resist resisting these thoughts. Old habits of pushing against unwanted thoughts give way to appreciation: I know now that every unwanted thought turns into improved thought when allowed passage via dispassionate observance rather than wishing they weren’t there and thereby giving birth to resistance.
April showers, they come and go, leaving fertile, softened soil, perfect conditions for soon-to-sprout goodness. So too are my negative thoughts, better termed “unwanted”. Like sprouting seeds my unwanted thoughts give way to new realities which draw to them fulfilled wishes like bees to blossoms. Like bees to blossoms, these fulfilled wishes prompt smiles of joy, satisfaction and more.
After all that deliciousness I created the gif above. So cool how creativity begets more creativity. That’s exactly the process that creates physical reality. And it’s the process trans-attraction fulfills itself when no resistance stands in the way. In other words when I don’t tell negative stories.
Relationships bring wonderful realizations. The harder they go, the more value they offer. Even when a person finds a match (and everyone a person meets is a match) that doesn’t mean the relationship will be hunky-dory. Stories create reality. So if a person‘s stories reflect negative realities, all their relationships reflect those stories. I know if I can’t find a partner, it’s only because of stories I’m telling. Reality reflects our stories so we can see them, then do something about it. Partners do that too. But the doing is a choice. I know I can choose doing nothing. But then I suffer. Like my clients sometimes.
Editor’s note: Occasionally, we’ll be sharing conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. Here’e the first. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
So I’m a pretty passable decently attractive trans woman in my early 20s. I live in a small town and there is a man that I started texting from tinder since early 2017. He never wanted to meet up and told me to keep our interactions quiet/not to tell anybody that we talk.
Every single text conversation with him he has always turned it into a point of sex or asking for trans porn referrals. I stopped talking to him because he was too scared to take me out on a date in fear of others finding out or knowing that I was trans. I was especially done talking to him after I told him that I’m not interested in hookups, so he asked me if I have any trans girlfriends that are!
He just reached out to me and I told him I was no longer interested and he said that “he’s changed” and that he’s “ready to openly date a trans woman” because he allegedly went on some dates with another trans woman (probably someone I know too given the small town). He said that he’s only interested in me because I’m preop and that if I had “the surgery” he would no longer be interested in me. Isn’t this ridiculous or am I wrong?
To me this is saying “I like you but if you gained 10 pounds I’d have to break up with you”. Am I wrong to think this is poor behavior?
In short, if you think this is ridiculous then you’re telling stories that will bring more of these situations to you. Instead, you could put aside your judgement and see what happens. You don’t have to compromise what you want at all. But there is a story you’re telling that is bringing this kind of guy into your life.
Sure his behavior could be judged as poor. As well as judging a guy (or a girl btw) who might want a person who does not gain weight as having poor behavior. But a preference is a preference. They are all personal and they’re all valid (for the person with the preference).
But just because it’s a preference HE has, doesn’t mean YOU have to agree with it. The opportunity lies in how you (dis)agree. If you call it “ridiculous” then you’re in trouble.
Instead, appreciate the guy’s presumed movement forward however it happened. Appreciate that he likes you well enough to have come back. Appreciate the attention.
And, if you prefer a man desire you for other reasons, politely tell him no thanks. Be calm. Better yet, appreciate the experience for the clarity you now have: Now you know more clearly what you want…and what you don’t. That’s great awareness.
Never compromise what you want because you can always have what you want. But you shoot what you want in the head when you judge (tell a negative story about) what you don’t want.
Does that make sense?
Everything in your experience is there reflecting your stories. Change your stories and the guys you meet will change.
My divorce wasn’t because I’m transamorous. It came after a long series of unrelated events. Events requiring my ex-wife and I going our separate ways as different people with different desires.
I can give more detail. But that won’t help.
What is helpful is this: if you’re trans-attracted, married to someone other than a trans woman, and you find yourself desiring transgender women, you can stay married.
But you’ll be happier married to a trans woman if marriage is what you want.
Authenticity will win in the end. That means your trans-attraction will win. It’s winning now. Why do you think you’re reading this? 😂😂😳
That eager, irresistible desire? That’s your authenticity. Like gay people who finally own their authenticity and trans people too, you will as well. It is inevitable.
When you do, the whole world will benefit. You will too. So will your current spouse.
Are you ready?
Maybe you’re ready. Maybe you’re impatient. Impatience can speed things up. But a natural end to your marriage, rather than a blow up, feels better. It’s a smoother ride. And, through patience, allowing life its way, you and your wife will part in peace.
Maybe you think you can’t be patient. That’s why we are here. Maybe you already shared this part of you with your spouse, and, like my clients, you’re trying to figure out what comes next.
When that’s through, and your marriage too, you still must reconcile stories shaping unwanted realities. Realities that include inauthentic marriages.
You, your spouse, your marriage, and everything else in contact with you is colored. It’s colored by tension you carry in you. That tension, as well as the eager desire you have for transgender women, tells you something. It tells you you have strong stories expressing strong desire.
Those stories and your desire will not be denied.
You know fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, right? Of those who stay together, some last. But in some large number of that lasting group, two unhappy people are ignoring their unhappiness.
That’s no fun. Life is supposed to be fun. Part of that fun includes your trans-attraction.
Your trans-attraction isn’t about you alone. It’s also about every person with whom you interact. Most important, your trans-attraction is about those transgender women (or men) you find yourself attracted to.
That’s because you add to others’ lives as others add to your own. You help people you’re drawn to. You do that by loving them and appreciating them. Loving and appreciating them in the open.
When you do, that love and appreciation returns to you. You love yourself more. You have more fun. You have better relationships.
Your trans-attraction holds great benefit for you. As it does for others. Ignore it and the benefit eludes you.
You can’t hide
The moment I chose living authentically, not only did I find more transgender women in my life, I felt lighter and freer. No longer living a lie, life got easier.
Believe it or not, your wife and everyone else involved already knows you’re trans-attracted. Whether you’ve used words to tell them or not, they pick up on it through their inner knowing.
They don’t consciously know they know. They have a feeling. That feeling effects how they treat you, how they react to you, and how you react to them.
I once spoke with a married trans-attracted man whose marriage included arguments and drama. Both parties played their part. Both reacted to the other. Sure, there were surface level issues. But these issues didn’t warrant the drama. I told this guy his drama and arguments with his wife came from his inauthenticity. He said that felt true.
Partners know what’s going on. They don’t know they know, but they know. You can’t hide.
Your heart’s desire: She’s out there
Here’s what I know about being married to a cisgender woman while being transamorous. Maybe it will help you.
Compromising my trans-attraction felt shitty.
My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.
My wife knew something was up, her anger, frustration and dissatisfaction tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen until much later.
You’re going to be ok. But you must go all the way.
Ultimately you’re married to someone other than your heart’s desire because for some reason you think or thought your heart’s desire isn’t out there waiting for you. They are out there.
But your impatience had you compromise your dream. That’s what I did.
Or you believe you’re not worthy of having what you want. Mainly (likely) because others convinced you that what you want is wrong.
What you want is right.
What you get from marriage you can get outside it. If you really want to be married, marry your heart’s desire.
Do that and you’ll feed many birds with one scone. You’ll change the world. You’ll change. And you’ll change the world of a trans woman.
Just by being authentically you. Then you can be married…to a transgender woman.
What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.
Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?
Not necessarily.
No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.
My recent relationship taught me that. 😂👍🏾❤️
· · ·
Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.
Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.
But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.
I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.
For a while she appreciated all that.
Then it got too much for her.
Relationships are nice-to-haves
I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.
As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.
There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.
So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love is enough. As it pores through me, I become that. Pure love.
So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?
Good question.
Thoughts make reality
My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works
When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.
Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.
In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.
Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.
Unchecked, my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.
Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.
Thoughts come from somewhere
Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.
Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.
So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.
That’s how it works.
I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.
Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.
So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.
Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)
Love happens best when alone
Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these on my other blog Positively Focused.
Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.
Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.
This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.
You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.
So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.
She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety. A strange connection I thought, feeling anxiety when someone loves you.
She said our relationship would fail.
I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.
For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.
As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.
For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.
That’s what happened for me. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?
It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.
Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.
