When Tamar signed up for her first 1:1 spiritual mentoring session almost two years ago, she was living in a tent in the backyard of a house she owned in Australia. Back then, Tamar had a dream, she said, of one day circumnavigating the Australian continent by sea…
I got this direct message (above) from her last week. Here’s Tamar’s story, in her own words:
“I used to live in a tent in the back yard of the house I owned. Now, I have found my joy like never before…and I’m free.
…I knew I was different at an early age. Gentle, caring, and quite frankly horrified at the expectations that were thrust upon me. I had no concept of being transgender back then. I tried to prove my masculinity, to others and myself, by working extremely “manly” jobs. Those jobs took their toll on my body. Finally owning my transgender identity took its toll on my marriage.
While I raised my four kids successfully, under a roof I paid for, before my transition, I was living estranged from my family and wife in a tent in the backyard of the house I spent all my working life affording.
Needless to say that fact left me bitter, resentful and unhappy.
The jobs I worked left me on disability. I used to think being transgender was a handful in and of itself. But in addition to that, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and an anxiety disorder.
I would literally have panic attacks when around crowds. Even the thought of being around strangers left me feeling exposed, anxious, fearful and alone. That’s to say nothing about finding a romantic male partner. For me, romance was not even on the table.
Then I encountered Positively Focused [our sister site]**. All along I knew myself to be a divine character, but my life experience and the stories I created were making a life that matched that seem like a pipe dream: how could I live who I knew myself to be when I faced so many obstacles?
So when I found Positively Focused, I was in an extremely negative space. And not just emotionally.
After just six Positively Focused sessions, I created an entirely new reality for myself. I’m now living in a nice apartment that came to me…seemingly miraculously.
I have more money, my privacy and I’m far, far from that living situation I dreaded every moment I was there.
But more importantly is how I feel. I’m in the best condition I’ve been in. Ever. Looking back at that first session, I don’t even recognize myself!
A new life has begun. A freer one. All my dreams I put on hold are in sight.
It’s great to be out of that tent. After I have settled in, and rested a while, I’ll be ready to find a friend.
It’s strange. Not long ago, I had given up on getting away from that old living situation. I had started shopping online for hiking gear, spending my money. I had come to the conclusion that if I was going to live in a tent anyway, the peace of the woods was better than where I was. I was getting ready to be homeless.
But then I received a call from a person I spoke to a couple of weeks ago. They gave me the unit I had asked for. I found it odd, that within hours of “letting go”, I was given what I wanted/needed.
Intriguing, and exciting also, perhaps.
Needless to say, I’ve benefitted tremendously from my Positively Focused experience. I realize my case may be extreme. But if Positively Focused can turn my life around, it can certainly do wonders for yours.”
Tamar wrote that in 2018. As I’ve said, as momentum increases, life gets better and better. For Tamar, that means living dreams once put on hold.
“Realists” criticize people who have their head in the clouds, who see the glass as overflowing. Pollyanna gets a bad wrap from people who think they’re being real, when they’re actually being pessimistic.
Meanwhile those who are Pollyanna – who see the world Positively Focused – are getting lives they love.
**Positively Focused is our sister site offering the same approach to life we do here at The Transamorous Network. To find out more about Positively Focused, click here. You get access to the same content by going through The Transamorous Network’s matchmaking service.
In only six sessions learning the The Transamorous Network match-making approach, a client of ours created the perfect relationship with his ideal transgender partner.
In this post and the next, I’ll dissect what happened. This is how it can happen for anyone. In the next post, I’ll detail what happened next.
Joe (not his real name), contacted The Transamorous Network through our free 1:1 offer. Like many clients, he desperately wants a relationship with a transgender woman. Desperation is not a great place from which to meet someone.
But it is a great place to examine your stories. And how your reality reflects back to you stories you’re telling.
Information Joe got from the free 1:1 convinced him our match-making service worth the money. So he became a member.
• • •
The first few sessions involved exploring stories producing behaviors he didn’t like. He frequents working girls (both trans and cis) late at night or in early morning dark hours. Like many trans-attracted men.
Some of these girls were/are drug-addicted. Others treated him like shit. Others treated him nicely. He has a mix of experiences reflecting his mix of stories about relationships and life, and women too. Both transgender and cisgender.
We explored how his stories create these experiences. Joe realized stories he didn’t know he had. Stories triggering desperation he felt about finding a partner. The same stories creating his experiences with women, including the kinds of women he met.
Desperation isn’t new to Joe. Some times in his life desperation (and the associated emotion “pain”) got so intense he contemplated suicide. Alongside relationship desperation, Joe also feels desperation about his life, his job and about himself. Stories triggering these feelings include one common to A LOT of people. Especially trans-attracted people. That story is “I’m not worthy of having what I want.”
• • •
We know at The Transamorous Network stories run deep. They connect with other stories, creating “belief constellations” or “story complexes” weaving through and shaping life experience.
It wasn’t surprising then when I found through our next sessions that Joe’s mother herself was and may still be drug addicted. She also had a working girl past.
No one comes into life experiences that are “too much to handle”. Everyone chooses the experience they get before they get it. Hardly anyone understands this.
At The Transamorous Network, we help people understand why and how that is. Then we show them how to use that awareness to get joy and satisfaction from life and relationships. The same joy and satisfaction they knew they would get when they chose human life experience.
Our stories create our reality. This includes stories we tell before becoming human. These stories set up birth circumstances. Yes, that includes being trans and trans-attracted. It also includes the parents we choose.
I explained why a person like Joe would come into the world through a parent who has sex work and drug addiction as part of her life experience. I described how those experiences create momentum. And how that momentum creates the reality he has. It wasn’t an easy conversation. But Joe got it.
We always say when you pull at one story, many others get uncovered. By our fifth session, Joe realized more long-running stories. Stories about his unworthiness as a person. Stories about how the transwomen he wants won’t accept him for who he is and what he has (and doesn’t have). Stories about feeling stuck in his job. Feeling shame about where he is in life.
In other words, stories a lot of humanity secretly shares. Stories you probably share.
What’s great about this work is, once stories get uncovered, sometimes they start resolving on their own. They kind of lose their grip when exposed to the light of conscious awareness. Automatically, again in some cases, new stories get born from that exposure. Those new stories can create explosive positive results.
That’s what happened to Joe.
• • •
Before our sixth session, Joe texted me. He said he needed to cancel our meeting. I asked why. He explained he met a transgender woman, was going on a daytime date with her and was excited about the potential. A daytime date was unusual for Joe. As I said, he typically meets transgender women at night.
“Yes I’m actually hanging out with a new trans woman friend of mine,” he said via text. “We met Tuesday and hung out a couple of times and have been talking since. I like her a lot. She’s treats me well.”
I wasn’t surprised by this. This is how things work when someone starts seriously looking at their stories. But I was also concerned about Joe.
That’s because Joe got results we promise. But he doesn’t know something important. His old stories are still active in his life experience. So it’s a sure bet this transgender woman he met has her own stories. Stories matching Joe’s stories. Stories she may not be aware of.
So I clued him in:
Joe responded that he already has been seeing some of those signs. That’s why, he wrote, “I’m working to be the best version of myself. The work that you and I are doing is working!!! 😀”
Joe said when they first talked, they realized they both needed each other.
“I know the Universe orchestrated our meeting,” he wrote. “I was finishing up at a warehouse where I picked up a load and she was finishing work around the same time and we were really near one another….”
Joe added that he already can see how his stories about transgender women have changed because, he said, “along with being very kind and cool person, she has a good job, makes good money and has a nice place in a nice neighborhood.”
Indeed.
We know our approach is out of the box. That’s why we guarantee our results. Joe’s example is normal. Anyone can meet their match and enjoy a relationship that works for them. It just takes changing your stories so that you can meet the person you want. The person who is waiting for you. Your perfect match.
There are a lot of women who are transgender who believe men who are interested in them are nothing but guys wanting to fulfill a fantasy or use them as a fuck toy. We here at the network have always said that is the case. But only for those women who tell such stories.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to these women, there are literally tens of thousands of men who are interested in transgender women for who they are. These trans-attracted men, like any other group of human beings, are not homogenous. So you’re going to find all kinds of people who are trans-attracted. But for the women seeking a cis-trans relationship with a man, this group would be the best group from which to find a guy. Why? Because they will accept you as you are: A woman yes. But also transgender.
“But I don’t want someone who accepts me because I’m transgender, I want someone who accepts me because I’m a woman.”
You’ll find those kinds of guys in this group too. The story expressed above though is a negative one, one that indicates a reluctance of the speaker to accept who and what she is. So long as that story remains active, it’s very hard to meet the guy who will accept her as a (transgender) woman.
Now, if all these men I’m talking about are prime candidates for transgender women, why do so (seemingly) many treat transgender women like shit? Well, I’ll answer that question first with a question: Why are there so many guys who are interested in cis-women that treat cis-women like shit?
That’s a really deep question. Because there really is no difference.
Which brings me to a model we have here at The Transamorous Network which explains the process by which trans-attracted men become trans-attracted. Not every one follows this general model. But for many, this process is very clear. It accurately describes the process men go through in their trans-attraction journey.
Men who find themselves in this model, just like transgender people, come into the world with this attraction already “baked” into them, in the same way straight people come into the world with their “straightness” baked in. So there is a self-discovery process. That process for many men IMO is represented by what I see as several distinct steps: discovery, trans attraction, exploration (some call this stage “chasing”), refinement, acceptance, then transamory.
“Trans supportive”, in the model I’m proposing, is a transcendence of the process, because it can be an attitude (and accompanying behaviors) parents may have for a transgender child for example. Trans supportive therefore, is not so much about romance and physical or sexual attraction as it is a desire to serve others.
So I see trans attraction as an early stage in a man’s transitional process; transamory as the mature stage and trans supportive as a highly advanced stage of relationship to the transgender community. I would call “trans active” as the stage people like Troy, Jonathan, and myself are in. It is a highly-evolved form of trans supportiveness. So here are the stages explained: (HT to Troy Kennedy and the Transsupportive Brotherhood)
The chaser (Discovery/Exploration): The male discovers transgender women and his fascination with them. In the beginning it’s new, exciting and fresh. He is eager to sample this new delicacy. He jumps from woman to woman in these uncharted waters. He isn’t trying to make a romantic connection or any connection really. He may not be concerned if a woman gets attached to him because he’s seeing what’s out there. He’s exploring. He doesn’t realize that this may be a preference. He may even dabble with trans escorts because it’s exhilarating and the physical act of sex dominates his mind. He is also probably married or in a relationship with a cis woman and on the DL.
Trans attraction (Refinement). After an indeterminate amount of time in the first stage, the man begins noticing the type of people he follows on social media or in the news are trans women. His taste in porn is dominated by or exclusively that of trans women. He begins making connections both platonic and sexually with trans women. He starts going out on dates – as opposed to secretive flings – and spending more and more time with trans women. But he still has a bit of fear and trepidation at times when he’s out with a trans women. He’s gotten far enough into owning his interest, his baked-in attraction, he begins looking for connection.
Trans amorous (acceptance). Soon after the second stage, the man tires of playing the field or he meets a woman who stimulates him mind and body. A woman who, when he thinks about her, makes him smile. When he isn’t in her presence, he misses her. He wants to be with her and her with him. During this time, his eyes are open to a lot of the hate, oppression, violence and struggles trans women go through on a daily basis. He feels compelled to protect and love her. His family and/or children become involved. He also begins to notice and judge those men still in the chaser stage as being detrimental to transgender women. The man forgets where he comes from. He wants to do something to fix this problem, but doesn’t know what. Meanwhile, he may or may not come out to his wife or girlfriend. Or, the momentum of his stories will cause a flash-bang type event in his life, where he is forced out into the open. However that happens, his relationship is now at a turning point. But he’s not willing to turn back on this baked-in part of who and what he is. That’s trans amorous. In this stage, even though he may not realize it, he is having a profound effect on the world around him including the people in his life. The drama that ensues is temporary and ultimately proves to be beneficial for everybody.
After the transamory stage, some men may find themselves in the trans supportive stage. Here the death, violence, hateful legislation, misgendering and overall social conditions that trans women face bother him. He meets trans women and trans men who battle and fight for simple human rights. He looks at the DL guys and wonder how can they be so detached from the struggles trans folks go through, once again having forgotten where he came from. Others may remember and have a dose of compassion for both the men and women seemingly stuck in those cycles. He may be out and see a trans woman being harassed or hear a hateful conversation and act to shut it down. He begins to speak out publicly and privately for trans rights. He has developed genuine friends who happen to be trans women and he worries about them every day.
This four-stage model can be a useful tool for transgender women as they refine their search for a partner. It can be helpful in determining where the potential partner is coming from, where his head is at, and, potentially what to expect from his behaviors. Including whether he is willing to be “out” about his relationship with you.
Would love to hear reactions to this post. We’ll be further refining it as we go.
Whether you’re a transgender person, or someone who finds themselves trans attracted, any kind of love is available to you.
The only thing keeping you from having that is you.
What Keeps What You Want From Happening
Your stories keep you from what you want. Stories are thoughts you think frequently. You think them so often they become “just the way life is”.
“I’ll never find a partner” is a story.
“Straight men don’t like transgender women” is a story.
“There are no transgender women in my area” is a story.
“I can’t find a transgender woman who doesn’t have drama” is a story.
“I find transgender women attractive. I must be gay” is a story too.
All these stories are TRUE. You create their truth by telling them. If you believe “Straight men don’t like transgender women” then you only meet straight men who don’t like transgender women. Same is true for any other story.
Change the story and your “truth” changes too. Your reality also changes.
Everything Is Yours
You can have love you want with no effort on your part. Hard work is overrated. Especially in relationships. Digging through online profiles, going to bars and trying to find Mr. or Ms. “Right” by swiping left, right or whatever are unnecessary steps.
By relaxing, having fun and enjoying life, you don’t have to do those things. Everything you want comes easily.
A friend of my wife demonstrated this over the last two years. That she had no idea it was happening shows how easy it happens.
Following explains how the process works. After that, I’ll tell Susan’s story, which shows how the process worked for her. Along the way, I’ll clarify points you should know so you too can produce similar results.
Five Steps To Getting What You Want
Getting everything you want is easy. Here’s how:
Come to accept what you have. No matter how bad you think it may be, you have to find a way to accept it. More than that, you have to embrace it and appreciate it. That attitude makes you positively focused. Stay negatively focused – complaining, talking about or getting angry about what you have – and you get more of what you have.
Pay attention to thoughts you receive that you aren’t thinking. Often, you receive thoughts you didn’t think. They feel like intrusions in your ordinary awareness. These are messages sent by your larger self. They come as suggestions, ideas, gut feelings.
Follow the suggestion, ideas, gut feelings. Intrusive thoughts are inspirations. You’re supposed to follow them. It’s ok if you don’t, but if you do, life becomes far more interesting, spontaneous, fun and easy.
Practice being happy as often as you can. By doing so you tell your reality that you want more happy experiences. How you behave also forms a story. Being happy is a behavior. Inspiration comes more easily too when you’re happy.
Even if you don’t do these five steps, you’ll eventually end up using the process because it’s built-in to living. It literally is “life”. It just doesn’t look that way because things you want to happen takes a long time when you don’t use these steps deliberately.
Like I said, Susan is not aware of this process (Step five) yet it still worked for her. That means it can work for you. More so if used deliberately. So now, let’s overlay these steps on Susan’s experiences so you can see how they work.
It Began With A Crappy Marriage
Susan had been married many years. That marriage was crappy by Susan’s admission. Her divorce was even worse. Contentious and frustrating, it ended with her “wasband” getting the better deal. That’s because she was the “breadwinner”.
Every negative experience serves the experiencer. So, every negative experience is positive. Susan’s crappy marriage helped her figure out what she wanted.
For one, she realized she didn’t want to be in a relationship where she lived in the same house with someone else. In other words, she enjoyed living alone, having her own space, not having someone always around, but also being in relationship.
That’s good to know when looking for a partner.
All through the divorce, Susan criticized her “wasband”. She complained about the divorce process, her lawyers, his lawyers. The more she complained, the more she had to complain about.
Her ex fought her more and more. He started doing vindictive things. Like slashing her tires and manipulating ways to keep her from their dogs. Perfect examples of Step One.
From time to time Perry’s wife told Susan about this process. Like many people though Susan preferred experiential learning. She doesn’t like being told what to do. Or following advice from others. Neither does Perry’s wife. 🙄 Maybe you don’t either.
Soon Susan stopped complaining as much. She got tired of it. By the time her divorce was finished, she accepted the process. Step One: check.
Inspiration Creates Evidence of “Better”
What Susan didn’t know was, her experiences with “wasband” helped her know things she wouldn’t have known had she not gone through them.
She knew she didn’t want another marriage. She knew she wanted her autonomy. And she knew what kind of relationship she wanted: one without the intertwined aspects of traditional relationships.
It was no surprise then what happened next. A friend she knew when married turned into a boyfriend. Let’s call him Jake. Jake wasn’t a long-term perfect fit. But he was perfect for now. Meaning: he offered sexual intimacy, occasional company, friendship. Someone to hang out with, without commitment. Jake was also a known-entity. They knew each other for years. So it was easy to turn that friendship into more.
Jake was and is polyamorous. He was seeing other women. He didn’t tell Susan this until six months into their two-year relationship. Jake subscribes to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship policy.
“If you don’t ask, I’m not going to tell you,” he says. Which is fine, if the other person knows this.
Susan didn’t know this. By the time she found out, she wasn’t happy about it.
She told my wife and I she didn’t want to be in an open relationship. She didn’t like feeling “second fiddle” to who-knows-how-many other women who might be in Jake’s life.
But by the time she found out, it was too late. She had feelings for Jake.
There was more to Jake than Susan realized. Jake is fiercely independent, wicked smart, adventurous and a talented agitator/activist.
“I never ask people for anything,” he recently told me over tea. “Even if I have to go to a hospital. I’ll find a way to make it myself.”
That independence spills into his relationships. Jake thrives in relationships he controls. No wonder he prefers polyamory. Multiple opportunities foster independence.
Jake’s independence tinted his relationship with Susan too. He decides when she could come over. He decides when he comes to her house. If he has a date with someone else, he is not available. In many respects, Susan’s access to Jake was at Jake’s discretion.
That worked great for Susan for a while. In time, though, she resented this. She felt the relationship was going one way: Jake’s way.
In Susan’s words recently: “I thought I’d like this non-monogamy thing a bit better if I were to participate in it fully.”
So she decided to do something. A “good for the goose” thing. What she before resisted, she now was warming up to. So much so she too sought extra partners.
One day she got an idea: a profile on OKCupid. Step two: check!
“In retrospect, I did it shortly after discovering that [Jake] had another lover…” Susan said. “It was kind of a vengeful act.”
Time went by. Susan fell in love with Jake. Jake was in love too. What Susan at first tolerated now she enjoyed. Even given the imbalance. Step One again.
She enjoyed her freedom, her autonomy. She now liked Jake having options. And she looked forward to having her own options. Men she could see occasionally and casually too.
Your reality is literally a piece of art. What are you creating? (artwork by the author)
Your Reality Is Under Your Control
You get what you’re ready for. The problem is, you’re never ready for something different than what you have, until you accept what you have. If you’re not happy with what you have, you can’t get what you want because you’re not ready for what you want. You’re complaining about what you have.
Happiness is not something that comes after getting what you want. Well, it does happen that way.
But it’s meant to be something you feel no matter what you’re experiencing. That’s because everything you experience serves your fulfillment. Yes, even what looks like negative experiences.
When you figure that out, your life is your conscious design. This unconditional happiness is your design tool kit. Because when you’re happy, no matter what you have, you are ready for having what matches how you feel.
Making Room For Even More “Better”
As Susan found herself mostly happy in her poly relationship, she made room in her life for having more of what she wanted. That created what happened next.
For a while nothing significant happened on OKC. She says she met three guys. She enjoyed meeting them.
Otherwise, She said, the process was “drudgery”. This is why we don’t support using dating websites. They can work. But they frequently don’t. In the meantime, they conjure too many negative stories (lack of acceptance). That stretches out the time it takes to get what you want. It’s far better to be happy, enjoy your life and follow your intuition. Meeting your match that way is a happy, natural and enjoyable process.
Online dating for most people isn’t happy, natural or enjoyable.
Like many people though, Susan learned to accept the drudgery. Again, Step One.
That’s when one profile “stood out,” she said. “OKC estimated 99% compatibility, and I liked his photos and what he’d written.”
She was referring to this guy Susan brought to a small gathering. Let’s call him Carl.
They had almost everything in common. They finished each others’ sentences…laughed at the same things…it was like they had been together for years.
Carl wanted a monogamous relationship from the get-go. He said so in his profile. Susan’s profile didn’t say that. But Carl liked what Susan offered so much, he compromised.
This happens a lot. Insecure people compromise their ideas because they think they need to to get what they want.
That’s never the case. But impatience is a powerful thing. As is insecurity.
When people can’t be patient, they compromise. In compromising, the path leading to what they really want lengthens. It’s not a problem because every experience is beneficial.
You’re also eternal, so you have plenty of lifetimes to get what you want. But if you exercise patience while following the process above, what you want comes faster.
Let’s take a break with a blast from the past….
Susan Finds Freedom In Openness
Welcome back. Carl’s relationship behaviors contrasted Jake’s. He wanted collaboration in relationship. While he didn’t like so much sharing Susan with others, he didn’t resist it. Not at first.
So Carl fell in love with Susan instantly, he says. And why not? She’s lovable!
Meanwhile, Jake got more controlling when he found out Susan had another lover. His insecurities, dormant while he controlled the relationship, now surfaced. This was a good thing. His insecurities invited everyone involved to become better versions of themselves.
For example, both men had toothbrushes in Susan’s bathroom. Jake’s was in the toothbrush holder. Carl’s in the drawer. Carl imagined (rightly) Susan was hiding from Jake the fact that Carl sometimes spent the night. That chafed Carl.
Carl’s feelings were petty. So were Susan’s intentions. Susan was trying to protect Jake. To keep from triggering Jake’s insecurities. That strategy backfired. It only made both men more insecure and her frustrated.
She found both men’s insecurities unattractive. But she also enjoyed it. Through something she initially didn’t like at first, Susan found empowerment and freedom and choice and options.
In other words: Everything her marriage didn’t offer.
Insecurity Boils Over
One night Carl put his foot down.
He said he wanted monogamy with Susan. That surprised her. She had been clear from day one on OKC that’s not what she wanted.
One day, Bridget reminded Susan that two years ago a monogamous relationship was exactly what she wanted.
But Susan grew happy with her current situation (being in an open relationship). That’s step one. She missed step two, but the process still worked because she followed her inspiration posting an OKCupid profile (Step three).
And now she faced a new reality. One she wanted two years ago. Carl represented a great match: intellectually, physically and more. They really liked each other too.
Susan didn’t remember wanting monogamy two years ago. And yet, here she was, getting everything she wanted. Freedom. Choice. Two good men who both loved her. And an opportunity for monogamy.
And now, one for the men:
Susan Got Everything. And Then Some. So Can You
Intrigued with Carl’s request, she told Jake. Jake got even more insecure. Angry in fact that Susan was considering a monogamous relationship with someone else. Of course, he didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship. He wanted what he had: his cake (Susan) and the opportunity to eat other cake.
But let’s look at what Susan created. In two years her life matched every desire she wanted.
She put her marriage behind her
She found a relationship that worked immediately after the divorce
That relationship brought interesting experiences, growth, adventure
She followed her inspiration
That lead to meeting Carl, a perfect match
Now she has not only an open relationship, but an opportunity for a closed one too!
In other words, Susan was getting everything she wanted. And then some. Even though she didn’t realize what was happening.
Like we say, the process works for everyone. Even those unaware of it.
Today, Susan is negotiating the best of both worlds. She loves both Carl and Jake. Both represent different desires she’s had over two years. Both men love her. Both offer different things. In other words, Susan is enjoying her love life as it brings her plenty of pleasure, adventure, love and more.
You can have your version of the same thing: plentiful experiences where what you want comes easily. It all starts with realizing you have a larger you from which to live your life. Then finding ways that connect you to that. Being happy is the easiest.
Life doesn’t have to be hard or a struggle. Love doesn’t either. And neither is, when you follow life’s really simple process.
