Category: Dating

Editor’s note: Occasionally, we’ll be sharing conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Hi The Transamorous Network,

I’m a transgender woman. I worked with a man for a couple years who was a superior and I had a really strong chemistry with. People said we acted like an old married couple.

I kind of grew to have a lot of love for him (not in love, as that’s way different) There was always some flirtation and other people noticed how differently he treated me vs my team mates.

Anywho when someone confronted him about me liking him, he said “I ain’t dating no [deadname]” mind you he met way after I transitioned. He very obviously would check me out when I would change out of my work clothes before I headed out for the day. We no longer work together but I handed him my phone number on his last day as a friendly gesture (he had/maybe still has a gf who isn’t so great to him, so I hear).

I think he’ll eventually creep his way back into my life one way or another, I’m giving it time though because I know that the pressure on cishet men to admit their attraction to trans women can be a lot. I’m definitely learning to be more patient with men. Your website has really intrigued me and opened my eyes a little and I’m looking forward to future posts and videos!

Janis in Joplin, MI

Hi Janis,

We can tell you are changing your stories so that you have more positive experiences with trans-attracted men. How do we know? How you write about this experience. How you tell your story is about as neutral to positive as we’d expect given your experience. That you’re willing to continue to give him a chance says a lot too.

When a trans woman (or anyone) stands in non-judgement, life will amaze her. You can expect life will bring you more men consistent with your non-judgmental, open perspective towards men interested in transgender women.

In time, as you continue in this direction, you’ll find the men showing up meeting more and more what you’re looking for. That’s a lot to look forward to!

Your intuition is key. Just make sure you’re hearing your intuition and not something else, like a negative friend in your head, or your own past negative stories. This is key also, and we think you’re getting it.

For example, it’s one thing to have a thought that says “he’s making me out as a sex object.” then making a decision based on that, without feeling bad about the fact that he may be doing that.

It’s another thing entirely to have a thought that says “he’s making me out as a sex object.” then getting pissed about it, complaining about it to yourself and your friends, blogging about it, making a YouTube video about it, making the guy wrong about it and then making a decision based on all that. The former reaction moves you forward. The latter moves you forward too…right into another similar experience.

Sounds like you’re moving forward in a good way. That’s good. Keep that up and you’ll see. Your life will get way better. And not just with men.

This guy will come back into your life if you two are a match. Everything you experience matches your stories.

Finally, good that you’re getting how challenging it is for men. The more transgender women get this, the more quickly the entire dynamic between transgender women and the men who love them will change for the benefit of all involved. We’re glad we’re doing our part to make that happen.

TTN

Editor’s note: Occasionally, we’ll be sharing conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. Here’e the first. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

So I’m a pretty passable decently attractive trans woman in my early 20s. I live in a small town and there is a man that I started texting from tinder since early 2017. He never wanted to meet up and told me to keep our interactions quiet/not to tell anybody that we talk.

Every single text conversation with him he has always turned it into a point of sex or asking for trans porn referrals. I stopped talking to him because he was too scared to take me out on a date in fear of others finding out or knowing that I was trans. I was especially done talking to him after I told him that I’m not interested in hookups, so he asked me if I have any trans girlfriends that are!

He just reached out to me and I told him I was no longer interested and he said that “he’s changed” and that he’s “ready to openly date a trans woman” because he allegedly went on some dates with another trans woman (probably someone I know too given the small town). He said that he’s only interested in me because I’m preop and that if I had “the surgery” he would no longer be interested in me. Isn’t this ridiculous or am I wrong?

To me this is saying “I like you but if you gained 10 pounds I’d have to break up with you”. Am I wrong to think this is poor behavior?

Chrissy in Chehalis

 

Hi Chrissy,

Have you seen our illustrated guide to the Tranny-chaser to Transamorous Journey? It might be helpful for you.

In short, if you think this is ridiculous then you’re telling stories that will bring more of these situations to you. Instead, you could put aside your judgement and see what happens. You don’t have to compromise what you want at all. But there is a story you’re telling that is bringing this kind of guy into your life.

Sure his behavior could be judged as poor. As well as judging a guy (or a girl btw) who might want a person who does not gain weight as having poor behavior. But a preference is a preference. They are all personal and they’re all valid (for the person with the preference).

But just because it’s a preference HE has, doesn’t mean YOU have to agree with it. The opportunity lies in how you (dis)agree. If you call it “ridiculous” then you’re in trouble.

Instead, appreciate the guy’s presumed movement forward however it happened. Appreciate that he likes you well enough to have come back. Appreciate the attention.

And, if you prefer a man desire you for other reasons, politely tell him no thanks. Be calm. Better yet, appreciate the experience for the clarity you now have: Now you know more clearly what you want…and what you don’t. That’s great awareness.

Never compromise what you want because you can always have what you want. But you shoot what you want in the head when you judge (tell a negative story about) what you don’t want.

Does that make sense?

Everything in your experience is there reflecting your stories. Change your stories and the guys you meet will change.