Relationships bring wonderful realizations. The harder they go, the more value they offer. Even when a person finds a match (and everyone a person meets is a match) that doesn’t mean the relationship will be hunky-dory. Stories create reality. So if a person‘s stories reflect negative realities, all their relationships reflect those stories. I know if I can’t find a partner, it’s only because of stories I’m telling. Reality reflects our stories so we can see them, then do something about it. Partners do that too. But the doing is a choice. I know I can choose doing nothing. But then I suffer. Like my clients sometimes.
Editor’s note: Occasionally, we’ll be sharing conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. Here’e the first. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
So I’m a pretty passable decently attractive trans woman in my early 20s. I live in a small town and there is a man that I started texting from tinder since early 2017. He never wanted to meet up and told me to keep our interactions quiet/not to tell anybody that we talk.
Every single text conversation with him he has always turned it into a point of sex or asking for trans porn referrals. I stopped talking to him because he was too scared to take me out on a date in fear of others finding out or knowing that I was trans. I was especially done talking to him after I told him that I’m not interested in hookups, so he asked me if I have any trans girlfriends that are!
He just reached out to me and I told him I was no longer interested and he said that “he’s changed” and that he’s “ready to openly date a trans woman” because he allegedly went on some dates with another trans woman (probably someone I know too given the small town). He said that he’s only interested in me because I’m preop and that if I had “the surgery” he would no longer be interested in me. Isn’t this ridiculous or am I wrong?
To me this is saying “I like you but if you gained 10 pounds I’d have to break up with you”. Am I wrong to think this is poor behavior?
In short, if you think this is ridiculous then you’re telling stories that will bring more of these situations to you. Instead, you could put aside your judgement and see what happens. You don’t have to compromise what you want at all. But there is a story you’re telling that is bringing this kind of guy into your life.
Sure his behavior could be judged as poor. As well as judging a guy (or a girl btw) who might want a person who does not gain weight as having poor behavior. But a preference is a preference. They are all personal and they’re all valid (for the person with the preference).
But just because it’s a preference HE has, doesn’t mean YOU have to agree with it. The opportunity lies in how you (dis)agree. If you call it “ridiculous” then you’re in trouble.
Instead, appreciate the guy’s presumed movement forward however it happened. Appreciate that he likes you well enough to have come back. Appreciate the attention.
And, if you prefer a man desire you for other reasons, politely tell him no thanks. Be calm. Better yet, appreciate the experience for the clarity you now have: Now you know more clearly what you want…and what you don’t. That’s great awareness.
Never compromise what you want because you can always have what you want. But you shoot what you want in the head when you judge (tell a negative story about) what you don’t want.
Does that make sense?
Everything in your experience is there reflecting your stories. Change your stories and the guys you meet will change.
What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.
Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?
Not necessarily.
No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.
My recent relationship taught me that. 😂👍🏾❤️
· · ·
Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.
Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.
But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.
I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.
For a while she appreciated all that.
Then it got too much for her.
Relationships are nice-to-haves
I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.
As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.
There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.
So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love is enough. As it pores through me, I become that. Pure love.
So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?
Good question.
Thoughts make reality
My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works
When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.
Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.
In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.
Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.
Unchecked, my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.
Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.
Thoughts come from somewhere
Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.
Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.
So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.
That’s how it works.
I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.
Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.
So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.
Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)
Love happens best when alone
Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these on my other blog Positively Focused.
Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.
Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.
This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.
You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.
So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.
She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety. A strange connection I thought, feeling anxiety when someone loves you.
She said our relationship would fail.
I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.
For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.
As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.
For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.
That’s what happened for me. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?
It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.
Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.
Confused. Well not confused, conflicted. That’s a better word. I was very clear about what I was thinking back then…but also conflicted.
Conflicted because I believed society (friends, family, strangers too) would shame me if it knew me. Conflicted because I wanted to be myself, but feared I’d lose my job if people knew.
I knew I was “not straight”.
That’s a terrible way to tell that story. Because it puts the “straight” story at center of everything. As if being “straight” is the same as “normal”.
It’s not.
A better way is to say I have a strong story (among many strong stories) about transgender women being highly attractive.
I felt this way for some time. I was exploring it when I was younger. Back then it felt dangerous. Men, you know what I mean.
I also felt self-shame about it. Back then, I was, like a lot of people, really worried about what others thought of me. I was afraid of being myself because being myself was not acceptable according to what I saw and read. Back then I didn’t know my life experience comes from my stories. I believed what others thought about me was important.
It’s not.
Nevertheless, my shame came from those beliefs. Those stories also shaped my life experience. A life experience in which I only had access to things -– people and events – that confirmed those stories.
The emotion I felt – the shame – was telling me something important. Back then, I didn’t know what that was.
Now I do.
786.291.1990
Although I never did it simultaneously with dating someone, I did do it in between partners. I saw these trans sex workers under cover of darkness. Or in my own home at night.
There’s one story about someone I want to share. I recently got reacquainted with it. This is going to be deep.
It has to do with dating what I thought at the time was a cis woman and how our experience together shaped the ensuing 20 years for both of us. That person may still be cis. I don’t know. I’ve never asked.
• • •
One evening long ago, a winter storm struck where I live. Three to four feet of snow blanketed everything. My best friend at the time and I went out in it. It was fun. After our time together, I headed to a local bar alone. I wanted a scotch to warm the cockles.
I sat at the bar. There was another person there. We made eye contact, then we ended up talking. I noticed some things about them that, reflecting on those moments now, indicated how my worries about being perceived by others, shaped how I behaved, what I said and what I was willing and not willing to do.
I’ve always been pretty honest. But I’m not 100 percent honest. Is anyone? Still, I care a lot about being direct as I can so people know where I’m at. But that requires being clear about where I’m at.
Back then I wasn’t very clear…I was conflicted.
This person and I saw each other a few times. I remember as clear as day my reactions to this person’s physical appearance and the shame I felt about potentially being seen with them and what “they” – people in the world – would think…ABOUT ME.
Intolerable shame-based scenarios played out in my mind.
So one day, I told this person I couldn’t continue seeing them. I told them why. But when I said what I said, I didn’t own what was going on with me. Instead of telling this person how I felt, instead of saying something like:
“I’m sorry, Jen (not their real name) I’m too wrapped up in believing how I think others think about me is more important than what I want. I enjoy being with you. But I’m afraid of what people might say about me when I’m out in public with you.”
Instead of saying something like that, owning my story as mine, I made my discomfort about Jen’s appearance. Ironically, their appearance was gender non-conforming. And that threatened my self-image. A self-image based on an unhealthy concern about what others thought about me.
I made my story about Jen, in other words. Jen took that information not very well. I didn’t find out until some 20 years later.
Last week, I posted on Facebook a Mother Goose magazine article. It features me talking about The Transamorous Network and the work the network is doing. Jen saw this post, then sent me a direct message on Facebook:
It’s been a long time.
I’ve come a long way in the ensuing decades. I’ve learned a lot about myself.
• • •
I’m sharing this to show I was where many men reading this are right now. Maybe they’re struggling with shame and embarrassment over what they like, what they’re attracted to. That shame can drive a lot of behavior that spills into others’ lives.
Sometimes with long-lasting effect.
But here’s the thing about all this. And if you’re following my other blog and website, Positively Focused, this won’t be surprising.
Life experience is a massive co-creative endeavor. Our stories don’t only effect us. They effect everyone around us. That’s why in client sessions, I equate life experience to being a movie. We all create our life experience from what we think. Others in our lives reflect what we’re thinking back to us.
In that way, others are co-creative partners in our own movie making. Just as we are partners in theirs. I don’t expect anyone to agree with this. But life experience will show how accurate what I’m sharing is.
In my case, I know I met Jen as a waypoint on my path to where I am now. Jen’s appearance and my discomfort reflected stories I had at the time about being with a gender-nonconforming person. She represented both my desires and my negative beliefs playing out right in front of me.
And I know I played the same role for Jen. I presented Jen with stories and negative beliefs Jen had. In other words, we served each other. Whether Jen sees that, I don’t know. But Jen certainly sees the benefit our interaction has had on me and the network.
Which is why when Jen sent this part of their message:
I resonated so wonderfully with it.
Jen is right.
• • •
I can say being where I am, and having been where I was, that the path you may be on, no matter how painful it feels, offers so many wonderful opportunities. Opportunities just waiting for you to pick and enjoy. Like delicious, ripe fruit.
Keep going and you may someday enjoy similar wonderful reconnections with people you think you hurt. People who feel you hurt them. And instead of feeling embarrassment and shame over your past acts, you may feel resonance and appreciation.
As I do.
I see the “delicious irony” of the co-creation.
These days I know everything in my life experience benefits not only me, but everyone with whom I connect.
We’re never alone. Everything is working out for me, you and everyone else. Even those who may claim were victimized by you. They weren’t victimized. They benefitted. It just may take a while before they realize that.
Hopefully not 20 years. But it doesn’t matter. We’re all eternal.
Your life is going perfectly. Take it from a guy just like you.
At The Transamorous Network we talk about finding your ideal partner. Whatever that may be look like for you. Lately we’ve expanded our “talking” to include pretty much everyone.
But we still focus on transgender women and trans attracted men. Our approach works for anyone though.
We don’t just talk about finding your ideal partner. We also show you how to make that happen.
What’s interesting is, every time a client starts this work, they find not only a clear path to that ideal partner. Everything else in their life gets better too.
You’re meant to be happy. You’re meant to have a happy life. A happy life includes an ideal partner if that’s what you want.
It also includes doing, being and having everything else you want.
That’s just how life is supposed to be.
We know it. Our clients know it.
Then there are some who don’t know it. But they want to. They beat around the edges of our website. They have reasons for not becoming a member. They think $50 for a guide that can radically change their lives for the better is too much. Really? $50 for a guide that will show you how to create an amazing life?
I don’t blame them for not wanting to spend money. Scarcity consciousness is real, folks. But I do blame them for not reading or listening to the metric-shit-ton of free content we offer here on the website, in our podcast and on our YouTube channel. 🙄🤷🏽♂️🙄
In all these people’s lives, the secrets to their happiness, or rather, the secret to why they’re unhappy is as plain as the words coming out their mouths…or through their fingers. 😂
This morning I responded to two separate people. One via our chat on Facebook. The other through our blog. Both show how clear it is that one’s reality is created from one’s stories. But unless you know this, and understand how it happens, that clarity – it really is as plain as the words they are sharing – remains hidden.
Hidden right in plain sight. Take this person’s comment on a post of ours…
A (presumably) transwoman’s screed on how the media (and others) are responsible for her reality. Not her.
I know not everyone is ready to take responsibility for their life experience. I know a lot of people prefer blaming the media, society, transgender women or “tranny chasers” for their relationship and other sorrows.
But the plain fact is, everyone creates their reality. No one else is doing it.
And the clarity and happiness that comes from realizing this then doing something about it is priceless.
A quickie overview of how to adjust your stories…
It’s not necessary to consume our paid content to get results.
The problem is, most people don’t have the temerity and rigor to put in place a daily practice that can produce results.
That’s why we offer our paid content. We’re radically changing lives for the better. I know it’s not only worth every penny we charge, it’s worth even more.
In the future we’ll be raising our prices because of that. For now, I’m good with what we’re charging.
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