The Trans Relationship Guide To Happiness

Ben Rosett Happily Ever After FB blog
Photo: Ben Rosett

Everyone is born with unique talents. That includes you. Especially you if you’re transgender or trans-attracted. You’re the vangaurd of humanity. You’re special.

You also come with tendencies. Tendencies leaning toward expressing those talents. Feeling those tendencies then following them will change your life.

It is not possible to come to earth with no passions, skills, strengths or direction. Are you feeling like you have none of these? Are you bored about life? Feel stuck in a rut? The problem isn’t what you’re doing.

It’s how you’re thinking.

You brought everything with you needed to live your greatest life ever. Including having the love you want. Living your greatest life hinges on being happy.

Happiness is an emotion you conjure deliberately. When you don’t, it comes and goes.

Here’s the secret to living your greatest life ever and getting the love you want: Be happy first.

There’s a reason you feel bored or tired or sad or unfulfilled. It’s saying “How you are thinking right now needs to change if you want what you want.”

Same is true if you feel shame about being trans-attracted, sad, confused or in despair over dysphoria from being trans, or feeling depressed, lonely or anxiety-ridden.

· · ·

Ask someone “what is the purpose of emotions?” You won’t get the answer you just got. Yet it is key to everything.

Not many people know you can become happy in a few seconds. No matter what is happening. Not knowing this, happiness is fleeting.

But happiness can be permanent. Learning to conjure happiness is all it takes.

“How do you conjure it?” you ask.

I’ll get to that. But first, let’s spend some time exploring why being happy first gets you all you want.

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Happiness is the key. It’s more than just an emotion. (photo: Artem Bali)

Happy matters…a lot

What if you had two options:

Option A:

Go to gay bars, deal with trolls and gold digging transgender women, men on the DL and transgender women that haven’t figured themselves out. Or join online dating sites, sift through all kinds of men totally clueless about what it means to be transgender, or transgender women who are only looking for six pack abs, young guys, and “straight men”. You kiss a lot of toads, remain single and struggling, despondent and sad until, some time later….through all kinds of trials and struggles…you find him or her or them.

Whether it’s a relationship or a job or a place to live or love many people default to option A.

Option A gives you great stories to tell. “War wounds” galore. Maybe your marriage failed along the way if you’re trans-attracted and married. Or you got disowned from your family if you’re transgender. Maybe you got your heart broken by that guy who turned out to be married. Or that transgender woman who really didn’t know what she wanted, but realized not you.

There are tons of people out there who will commiserate. Hey, you made it! You found love! And I feel you girl! It’s not easy!

Maybe you’re happy. Maybe you’re satisfied. Maybe?

Sure you might be in relationship now. But you might not be. And if you are, you might lose it. A lot of people who find love lose it. In wake of that, they’re bitter, depressed, lonely and heart-broken.

That’s not happiness.

Option B:

Be happy first. Learn to tell the right stories so you can feel your tendencies. Then learn to follow them.

This way, happiness comes in two or three minutes instead of after you finally find that relationship. At that point, you have what you want: you’re happy. After all, that’s why you want that relationship or whatever. You think it will make you happy.

That kind of happiness is Option A. In Option B you get that relationship too.  It comes far easier, and, through the entire way you’re already happy. But it doesn’t end there.

The right people, the right timing, the right jobs, the right events, the right places to live, the right amount of money…all these things come with little effort on your part. Day after day, what you want starts happening.

You’re getting what you’re wanting. What’s more, happiness replaces struggle, stress and anxiety.

Along the way, your connection to that larger you grows. You lose fears, including the fear of death. Anxiety goes away. What others think worries you less. You realize you’re eternal. Life becomes fun. And happiness becomes permanent.

To me, the choice is clear.

· · ·

Option B happens exactly like this. Here’s why that is, and why happiness matters.

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Photo: Hans Vivek

Happiness more than an emotion. It serves a critical purpose. It tells you when got your stories right.

Telling the right stories connects you with your larger self. The part of you you project yourself from into physical reality. You’re “here” on earth. But you’re also “there” in the timeless, spacious present of the now.

The moment you decide you want something, you have it in the spacious present. But you don’t get what you want in physical reality as quickly. Why? Because things happen slower here. That’s a good thing.

How many times have you said, for example, something like “I wish that jerk would die, he’s such a dick!” or “I wish I never married my wife. She’s such a bitch!” or “I wish you were never born”?

It’s a good thing you don’t immediately get what you want. Your life would be crazier than it is.

Things don’t have to happen as slow as they do though. They can happen faster. What’s slowing them up? I’m going to tell you.

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Your life experience composes a constellation of events all shaped by your stories. (Photo: Frederik de Wit)

You have access to great power. It knows all potential outcomes. It knows All That Is. It knows everything you want. It has everything you want. It knows how you can have all you want.

What would that part of you feel? If it has everything you want, wouldn’t it be happy, excited, free, joyful and fulfilled, eager and blissful?

Of course it would.

Well that power you have access is you. So is the you here on Earth. When you’re feeling happy, excited, free, joyful and fulfilled, you see the world the same way your power sees it. Seeing the world that way tunes you to your power. That’s why when you do tune in you feel all these positive emotions. Including happiness.

Your power is intelligent. It also loves you. It wants you to have everything it has. It’s always sending you messages that, if followed, lead you to everything your power has…which is all you can have.

When you’re in tune, you’re able to hear those messages. They feel like intuition, or hunches.

That you can feel happiness (or not happy) is how you tell if you’re tuned to your power. When you’re happy, you’re in tune. When you’re not, you’re not in tune. It’s that simple.

The less in tune you are, the less you can hear your messages. Life is harder when you can’t hear your messages. That’s why being happy first is so important. It tells you when the communication channel between you and you is open. And when it is open, you’re lead to all you want.

So happiness must be something you can conjure at will. Otherwise you couldn’t hear what you’re sending.

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So, back to the question: “how do you conjure happiness”?

The answer: by learning to think deliberately. So “thinking” is important?

· · ·

Not only is thinking important, how you think is important too.

Yet hardly anyone teaches “how to think” in school or anywhere else.

You can learn how to think critically. Or how to think like an engineer. Or a lawyer. That instruction teaches how to be productive in a given field.

But hardly anyone teaches how to think so you can be happy in life.

I’m going to teach you right now.

Think your way to happiness

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Photo: Aaron Huber

Usually people think happiness happens when something they want happens.

  • I get a new car. I’m happy!
  • I get a job. I’m happy!
  • I had a great time last night. I was happy!
  • When I meet the guy of my dreams, I’ll be happy!

Happiness does happen that way. But only when people don’t know what you’re reading.

As I wrote above, happiness can be a permanent condition. It’s actually supposed to be that way. Meaning, it can happen in sucky situations too.

It all depends on how you think. Not what is happening.

Let’s say you’re on a blind date. The person you’re out with turned out to be nothing like what you want. Or maybe you’re buying a coffee and someone misgenders you. Or you’re trans-attracted and worried your wife is going to find your YouTube or PornTube History.

Your irritation, frustration, disappointment, anger or fear or dread is not happiness.  That means you’re not tuned into your power. You’re not deliberately thinking.

But you can be tuned in. And you can be happy now, even though you’re with someone you see no potential in or you’re being misgendered, or you’re worried about your spouse discovering your trans-attraction.

How?

Think of something positive long enough until happiness shows up.

It’s that simple.

So you’re on your date. The person you’re with is not at all your type. You feel negative or disgusted. You’re thinking “why am I wasting my time here?” or complaining about how this person looks or something like that.

Let’s say you’ve been misgendered. Immediately you’re angry. You may not know it, but maybe you’re thinking “how could this happen again!” “I can’t believe this is happening!” “How dare she/he” or, “OMG! What are people thinking right now! How embarrassing!”

Or perhaps you’re worried about your wife finding out your trans-attracted. You’re fearful, insecure, anxious and always looking around your shoulder. You’re thinking “Oh god, what happens if she wants to divorce me?” “What if she finds out I’ve been having sex with escorts?” “What if our son finds out?” “What will she do to me?”.

Blind date, the coffee shop, your marriage. These are stories you’re telling about the situation. That’s all they are. They are not the truth, they are just a story. So here is how to be happy, even in these three circumstances.

First, turn your attention to something that pleases you in the moment.  The clothes you’re wearing, for example. Perhaps they are some of your favorite clothes. Think about how much you like those clothes. How well they fit, how good you look in them. Think about the compliment you got on the bus on the way to work, or how good you looked in the mirror.

It would go like this:

  • I really like how I look in this
  • I like how I feel in this
  • These clothes make me look (hot, professional, skinny, feminine, etc)
  • I look (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
  • I like looking (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
  • I like feeling (hot, professional, skinny, etc)

You could think about your best friend, or someone else you know you really care about. Think about how much you like that person. Think about how much you like talking with them, how they make you laugh maybe. Think specific thoughts about them similar to the ones above:

  • I’m so glad so-and-so is in my life
  • I’m eager to see this person again
  • It was cool so-and-so called me last night
  • I’m glad I can rely on him/her/them
  • I like having them in my life.

Maybe you really like the way you have recently reorganized your home. Think about how much you like your space now. Think about how good that feels to you. Think about how good it feels to you to turn a messy space into an organized one. Think specific thoughts about it like the ones above:

  • I really like being organized
  • I like having everything in their place
  • It feels good to be organized
  • I feel best when my space is ordered
  • It’s nice to see clutter turn to order

Your thinking doesn’t have to be monumental. It doesn’t have to be about your current situation either. It only needs to trigger positive feelings. How and why this happens is too detailed for this piece. I’ll describe the mechanics another time.

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Photo: Oleg Ivanov

While thinking these thoughts, pay attention to your feelings. First you’ll be feeling what you originally felt, disappointment, anger or fear or embarrassment or worry.

But as you think on purpose, you’ll feel different. You might feel a less negative emotion first. For example, your embarrassment might turn into pessimism or your frustration might turn into mild annoyance. This is progress.

Keep thinking on purpose and you’ll find yourself feeling relief. Then positive feelings like optimism, hopefulness and…eventually happiness. If you can keep going you might realize yourself feeling enjoyment about your date, or you not caring about what the barista did. Or you may feel love and compassion about your wife instead of anxiety over her discovering your trans-attraction.

Now you’re having a totally different experience than you were having before. If you’re on a date, you might actually start enjoying the date, even though you may not see any future with the person. If you’re in the coffee shop, you might find presence of mind to make the experience a teaching moment for the barista. If you’re at home, you might feel an overwhelming sense to do something to resolve the situation. Like tell her. Or search for a way to tell her.

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A married transamorous man’s message to us here at The Transamorous Network.

So the key is to turn your attention to something other than what you’re thinking about. Something more positive than what you’re thinking about right now. You’ll find your feelings will change too. Keep it up and your experience will change too as your mood improves.

The moment you notice your mood improve, turn your thinking to that. Acknowledge what you just did. You changed how you’re feeling without changing your situation. Note how much better you’re feeling. It feels better than you felt just a few moments ago. Congratulate yourself. Say, “Wow, in just a few seconds, I changed my experience from X (negative emotion) to Y (better feelings). That’s pretty neat!” Come up with five or six other thoughts:

  • This is new and exciting.
  • Hmm, I like how this feels
  • I like that I can do this.
  • I feel a whole lot better
  • Wow, now I’m feeling even better!

In a few thoughts, you’ll find yourself thinking different, but related, thoughts:

  • I wonder how far this can go?
  • Could it be this easy?
  • This is actually kind of fun!
  • I’m glad I tried this!

As you stay on that track, you might feel or hear your thoughts change. Notice them change to other pleasing things. For example, you might find yourself thinking about the sex you had last night. Focus on that and you’ll find yourself feeling other…er…sensations 😀.

Keep it up and your feelings will get increasingly positive. And yet, your conditions still haven’t changed. You’re still on a blind date that hasn’t changed. Or you’re still in the coffee shop. Or you’re still married to a cis-woman.

· · ·

Practice with obvious things until you’re good at it.  Maybe you like how you look. Or you like some talent you have. Maybe you like a particular television show. Or you like a particular person. Practice with those.

Then move to less obvious topics:

  • Think about how cool it is that you woke up today.
  • Or that your body functions mostly without your attention.
  • Or that you really like the color of your room.
  • Or that the sun comes up every day
  • Or that there is plenty of air to breathe

So now you changed your reality. You were feeling negative, or sad, or embarrassed or anxious. Your life experience reflected that: a boring date you’d prefer to escape; a close-minded barista who said something negative;  a marriage you’ve outgrown. Now you’re happy or close to it. You’ve also created a new physical reality. Your positive emotions come with physical experiences. A smile on your face, a stirring in your loins maybe, a lighter disposition. You may even see the difference.

There are changes happening you can’t see too. Not at first. Your entire life experience is changing. It is tuning into experiences leading to what you’re wanting. Not just one of those things either. All of them.

Your blind date may suddenly say something that interests you or makes you laugh. Or the barista may apologize, not intending to slip with the wrong pronoun, or someone may correct the barista for you. Or you might find some resources to help you navigate through your marriage, or your wife may approach you and say something out of left field like “I love you no matter what, you know that?” in response to her deep knowing already that you’re trans-attracted.

In other words, you’re not doing this to just feel good. Your life experience is changing. You’re also doing this to feel messages your broader perspective constantly sends you.  This is where your impulses come in.

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Photo: Tim Foster

As you gain more thinking skill something else happens: You get an impulse to do something. It will be subtle. It will be more feeling than words. It might feel like “go to the bathroom”, for example.

Let’s say that’s it. You’re in the coffee shop. You’ve changed your thoughts. Then, you get the sense to go to the bathroom. You may not have the biological urge to go. So it may make no logical sense. But when you get it, go.

When you do, when you come out, you might bump into someone you were thinking about. Or you might get a text or call from someone you know. Or a call from someone you’ve been wanting to hear from. Coming out of the bathroom, you might run into a co-worker who says, “I was just thinking about you.” and offer you something unexpected and surprising.

When that happens, you’ve gotten exactly what I described in the beginning of this post: Things happening with little effort on your part. The only action you took was changing what you’re thinking about and following your impulse to go to the bathroom.

This is Option B brought to life.

· · ·

You want to practice this until you do it automatically. In the same way you think now. Look at your thoughts. They probably come and go on their own.

That’s practiced. You’re not thinking on purpose. That can change.

The more you practice, the more you’ll get “hunches” or “impulses”. Of course, as you practice, you’ll get what look like false impulses. You’ll take action and it will seem nothing beneficial happened. These are actually true though. Something beneficial did happen.

For example, say you went to the bathroom and nothing happened. But something did happen. Feel, then act. Notice how you’re feeling and thinking. You might be thinking “this was dumb”, or “I look like an idiot”.

Those thoughts are telling you something. They are saying “you think what people think about you is more important than getting what you want”.

Why else would you care about how you look to other people? Embarrassment is an emotion triggered by this belief. If you’re feeling embarrassment or stupid, you’ve cut off communication between you and you.

Now hear this: You wouldn’t have known this thought is keeping you from hearing your messages if “nothing happened”, right? So something happened: you got clear about something you needed to know to get what you want.

So when you feel an impulse after tuning into your power, either:

A. Take action immediately. Go talk to that person, go to the bathroom, take a nap or whatever. Then see what happens. If something happens that feels like nothing, for now you have to take on faith that something did happen. In time, you’ll become more aware of what’s happening.

B. Wait. Take no action until the feeling to act is so persistent you must follow it. THEN act as in point A above.

At first, you might have a hard time feeling impulses. Getting used to telling the difference between an impulse and a random thought takes practice.

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Mindfulness, i.e. paying attention will allow permanent happiness. (Photo: Lesly Juarez)

Still, can you see how this practice turns your life into an amazing adventure?

At first, you’ll get a lot of “false” results. But those “false” results aren’t false. You just can’t yet understand how they aren’t.

Keep going though and life fills in with subjects and interests and people matching your passions, skills, strengths and desires. You also learn how to see things working out for you more easily.

Eventually you’re following your tendencies regularly. And they are leading you to all you’re wanting.

But…

Doing this process once or twice it’s not enough. You’ll feel good for a moment. But your old habits (automatic thinking) will return. This is why people who try these things end up failing. They don’t apply themselves enough.

Want to get everything you want and live happily ever after? Repeat these steps over and over. For how long? Until thinking this way is as natural as the way you think now.

Then through telling these new stories you’ll come into your power.

And then you have it all, including lasting happiness. Some people need help. If you’re one of those folks, I’m here for you. And I guarantee you’ll get the results you want. Contact me. Let’s get started.

Transgender People: They’re Everywhere

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Transgender people are everywhere. Even in some of the smallest towns, the most conservative towns, you’ll find transgender people. No matter where you live, transgender or trans attracted, if you’re wanting to find love, it’s out there.

Yet, many such places have few services through which transgender and trans attracted people can get help navigating their identities. Sometimes, such towns can be hostile. So trans and trans attracted people may be under the radar. It might look like they’re not around. But they are.

 

Think You’re Alone? Think Again.

Centralia, Washington is just such town. Located thirty minutes south of Olympia Washington, Centralia is known for its unusual history being the only town in the United States founded by a black man and son to former slaves. Incredibly, his name? George Washington. True story.

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Centralia Founder George Washington.

Centralia is also known for its conservatism. Like many rural American communities, it leans republican. Centralia sits in “the most conservative county in Washington” according to Zoe Oliver, a Centralia resident and LGBTQIA activist.

But Centralia is quickly gaining a name for itself as a booming LGBTQIA center in its County, thanks to a handful of organizations and individuals like Oliver.

One such organization is Centralia College. Very open and accepting of people of all kinds, Centralia College is home to the Gender and Sexuality Alliance (GSA). GSA is the longest running LGBTQIA organization in Lewis County. It advocates for broader awareness and acceptance of equality and LGBTQIA education, among other things.

Oliver attends school at the college. She also is vice president of GSA. In January, Oliver, representing the College’s Student Activities Team (SAT) asked us to have a table at their Sexual Health And Awareness Fair held in March. The ask is the first time The Transamorous Network has been invited to attend a live event.

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Centralia College (Transamorous Network photo)

At first we thought to decline Oliver’s invite. It isn’t typically what we do. Knowing what we know about how life works, however, we speculated SAT’s invite represented more opportunity than downside.

We were right.

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A Growing LGBTQ Community Likes Our Message

Several organizations, Pierce County AIDS Foundation (PCAF), Mpowerment, Washington, Planned Parenthood and others also staffed tables. While organizers acknowledged student attendance was lower than expected, we met important allies in our work.

Of the people who did attend, we met early-stage transitioning women and men, parents of transgender children, educators who advocate for LGBTQ equality, and allies.

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Remy sitting at our set up booth. This was the first time we’ve been invited to a public event. (Transamorous Network photo)

Everyone hearing our message that “your stories create your reality” had the same response. “It makes sense” they said. Your stories create your reality, including your behaviors, relationships (or lack thereof), your entire life. They even decide who you meet, when you meet them and how.

Your stories also shape your relationship with sexual health, how you choose sexual partners, who you choose, and how you practice sex.

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Our wares we offered during the event. We raffled off two copies of our guides in addition to talking with people about their stories. We were not surprised how many people agreed with our knowing that stories create your reality. (Transamorous Network photo)

We like to say sexual health is more than a condom or dental dam. It starts in the head (with your stories), not between your legs.

That’s the message we brought to the event. It was a unique message well received.

 

Our Message Is Getting Larger Audiences

We’re excited about what the future holds having made acquaintances in Centralia. We’re not spilling the beans, but it sounds like interesting opportunities may spring from within not only that community, but from others nearby.

Who knows? Maybe we’ll be invited to more such events. We’re always open to following leads our intuition sends us.

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Us talking with students and faculty at the Centralia College Sexual Health Education Fair. We met a number of organizations we may work with in the future. (Transamorous Network Photo)

Another thing I got from being there was confirmation of what I already knew: transgender people are everywhere.

Even in the most conservative small towns, you’ll find transgender people looking for love, belonging and needing resources to navigate their lives.

And you can bet if there are transgender people, there are people who love transgender people living there too. So no matter where you live, opportunities for love for trans attracted people are available.

Want to find them? You’re going to have a hard time doing so if you believe they aren’t there. Learn to tell the right stories though and you’ll meet them as easily as putting one foot in front of the other.

Check out this short film we made about our participation at the fair. If you’re new to our material, we overview our approach in this radio interview.

 

A Normal Man’s Guide To Loving Transgender Women

Kevin Grieve On Unsplash blog
Photo: Kevin Grieve On Unsplash

I love transgender women. Because I am out and proud about this, I get emails and calls from all kinds of people (men, women, transgender women, trans men) asking all kinds of questions about their transamory.

Men have the most trouble finding reconciliation. They find transgender women beautiful, worthy of love and, frankly, irresistible. Even while realizing dating transgender women sometimes comes with extraordinary drama levels. Despite that, many of these men aren’t struggling with that. What’s difficult is reconciling their attraction with being a “normal” man.

I’m writing this story –– my story –– for those men. The following is universal. Yet it is uniquely helpful for men right now. I mean “normal” men.

I write “right now” because men face intense (self-inflicted) scrutiny. Scrutiny well deserved. This January, the American Psychological Association (APA), said traditional masculinity is sociologically harmful. “[It] stunts male’s “psychological development, constrain[s] their behavior, result[s] in gender role strain and gender role conflict and negatively influence[s] mental health and physical health”, they said.Traditional masculinity is what I call normal men.

Feminism suggests the APA’s findings originate in male awe, envy and ignorance. Feminists call this Womb Envy.  That’s a term coined by German psychoanalyst Karen Horney.  Normal men find awe in what they instinctively know: Every human enters life through a womb connected to a vagina. At least for now. Forgetting their part in life-creation, normal men feel insecure and envious. Their envy becomes all-consuming. Willful ignorance replaces envy, allowing the subordination of women. Normal men gain superiority this way.

The result: Masculine wholeness –– which recognizes the female in the male ––  gets lost.

This is what I’m seeing in the Gillette controversy. Men’s life experience is reflecting back to them their out-of-balance-ness. Like children, some men are reacting first, to Gillette’s spot-on ad, then thinking. Or not thinking at all.

What does this have to do with loving transgender women?

A lot.

It is this acting out first then thinking, or not thinking at all, that gets a lot of men in trouble. It also gets many transgender women killed. All, believe it or not, for the sake of love.

· · ·

I realized I was transamorous in my 30s. Before that, I saw “masculinity” and “femininity” as two parts of a whole being. Sometimes I felt more feminine than masculine back then. Even though I was having sex with girls.

Sometimes I would sneak into my mom’s closet. It was an endless sea of femininity. There, I would dress in my mom’s clothes. I used her lipstick and pranced before her full length mirror, with its ornate wooden frame and chipped paint. Her lingerie particularly intrigued me.

Often these sessions would end with masturbation.

That’s how I got busted.

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Mom when I was young (Photo: Gruber Family)

One day my mom called me to her room. How did she know it was me and not one of my brothers? Let’s just say it was mothers’ intuition. Otherwise I don’t know. In any case, my mom’s love trumped anything else in our little chat. She didn’t want me playing in her clothes, she said. But it was ok that I was exploring.

That could have gone a lot worse.

This was before “transgender” was a thing. I mean, it was a thing. Transgender people have always been around. But it wasn’t in the public eye as it is today with high-profile transgender models, actresses, politicians, Julia Serranos, Stef Sanjati’s.

Even it if was, I was too young to know what “transgender” was. Thinking about that time, and times today, I can imagine how it feels to be transgender. Not knowing you are transgender. Then discover the word “transgender” for the first time.

It must come with profound relief to know you’re not alone.

The same is true for men attracted to transgender women. They think they’re alone. But they are not.

When I discovered my transamory, “transamory” wasn’t a thing either. I didn’t know, for example Lou Reed had a long term relationship with a transgender woman. But I sure loved his song.

Nor did David Bowie’s gender-bending persona catch my eye.

So when I fell in love with the first transgender woman I ever saw, in a Yakuza bar in Osaka, Japan, I was blown away. Blown away by her beauty. Blown away by the circumstances. And blown away for how deep and instantaneous my attraction was.

I was in the Marines at the time. My girlfriend, who would become one of my few fiancés to never cross the threshold, took me to see her home town. She thought I’d get a kick visiting a Yakuza bar. I don’t think she knew how profound that kick would be. It kicked off what would culminate in everything I am today. That and how I tell my transamory story with recovering “normal” transamorous men looking for solace.

My ex-wife used to call me her “gay boy”. It’s true, my feminine side is well-developed. I don’t cross dress or anything like that. I do enjoy reveling in that part of me that is soft, kind, receptive and open. And yet, I do present male, although I consider myself gender neutral. I recognize the female in me as much as I do the male.

And here’s where love comes into the picture. And by that I’m referring to self-love.

Bimo Mentara Blog
Photo: Bima Mentara on Unsplash

Many of my fellow Marines weren’t as appreciative of my nature as my ex-wife was. Or my mom. It wasn’t constant, but Marines can be callous towards someone not embracing the macho, natural-born-killer persona believed to enshroud what it is to be a Marine. Of course, the occasional taunts ended once I became a Sergeant of Marines. Yet, the juxtaposition between my feminine side and my masculine side represented a crossroads back then. The path I took was embracing both. Choosing to be me, I said to hell with everyone else. After all, if I could take shit from Marines, I could take shit from anybody.

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Me as a Marine circa 1982. (Photo: USMC)

In other words, I chose loving myself for all that I am. I chose that over caring what other people think about what I am. An aspect of what I am is a man who loves transgender women.

As I love myself, I love the blend that is the transgender female form. I love the struggle transgender women must go through. I love their strength. I love that they are sometimes reviled not only by men, women and society, but also by their parents sometimes. I love them because I know all these challenges make them who they are.

As my challenges made me who I am.

Today, I am no longer married to the woman who was my wife. Ours was a marriage of convenience. By that I mean, there was no better relationship for us than the one we had, which called us to become more of that which we each are are: more clear about what we want and more clear about our authenticity.

· · ·

I met my wife online. I hadn’t been successful dating transgender women. I had relationships, but the early ones reflected my own trans-attraction insecurities. My insecurity showed up in meeting transgender women who also were insecure. Insecurity is no foundation for healthy coupledom. It didn’t help that I dated in secret. In between cis-gender lovers.

Maybe that sounds familiar.

Bridget Perry Blog
My wife and I New Years 2012 (Photo by Kyle Layser)

Insecurity transamorous men feel initially shows up in many ways. One is fear of being seen in public with the woman they find attractive. It’s an early “trans-attraction” stage of transamory. It sounds dumb, but it’s real. And it’s a step older transamorous men go through more than younger ones these days. Some younger generation transamorous men reflect their generation. Their generation accepts gender fluidity, so they do too. So they don’t experience as much insecurity.

Pro-tip non-sequitur for transgender women: Ridiculing and shaming men for being in this stage prolongs it. Want men to be proud to be with you in public? Stop shaming them.

When I met my wife, I was not intending to marry. I was open to a non-traditional relationship. Anyone I found attractive and compatible would do. Yet I entertained preference for a transgender partner. I knew, however, my insecurity wasn’t going to match me with a transgender partner of my dreams.

Today, many of my clients are having to unpack decades of being married to cis-gender women, when they knew they were trans-attracted before they got married, but didn’t own their authenticity. In some ways, I was no exception.

My wife was determined to break her streak of meeting men who were not good for her. Like me, she realized she was her problem. Not the men she dated. So we were a perfect match.

Relationships are always like that. Perfect matches.

Our marriage was a training ground. In it we were helping prepare one another for partners we eventually will have. It was our agreement.

As we together grew into our individual security borne of authenticity, we accepted who each other was. Our marriage’s dissolution reflected that.

Trans attraction blog
Photo credit: The Transamorous Network

If you’re trans-attracted or transamorous, married or not, you can’t love the object of your affection until you first love yourself. Especially if you’re married. A lot of transamorous men are married to cis-gender women. There is nothing wrong in that.

Still, if you are married, your wife knows on some level that you are different. I assure you fights between you two have a lot to do with insecurity born of that awareness.

Hardness creates more struggle. So does insecurity. Extreme cases result in death. Almost half the murders of transgender women in 2017 happen in the context of intimate relationships gone awry, according to research I’ve done online. Seems to me the sooner you embrace who you are, the better you and everyone else will be. You’ll be one less transamorous man hiding in their shame. That can prevent a murder.

Ozan Safak in the shadows blog
It’s time more transamorous men embrace all of who they are. (Photo: Ozan Safak on Unsplash)

Men loving transgender women is normal.

Love between humans is the norm. So it is normal that a human would express love for another human. Both men and transgender women are human. So love between them is as normal as any other love.

But I would argue there is no such thing as a “normal” man.

There are all kinds of men. The Gillette controversy shows that. If you’re trying to be a normal man and think that’s ok, you’re not expressing your authenticity. You’re expressing insecurity. Your “abnormality” is the norm. Your “perversity” is the norm. Your “sin” is the norm. Abnormality, perversity and sin are words reflecting societal judgment.

Fuck that.

Your individuality is the norm. That means there’s no such thing as a normal or traditional man.

Transgender people are here to help all humanity to come to grips with the fact that to be human is to be different. There are a lot of normal men out there confronting their normalcy in light of their transamory. Some respond violently, with tragic consequences for both victim and perpetrator. Others call me, or send an email.

If you find transgender women attractive, you’re in good company. All men will find the attractive ones attractive. Until they discover that attractive woman is transgender. But that doesn’t negate their initial attraction. It only masks the attraction with shame expressed as revulsion. You’re still attracted to her.

If you find transgender women worth loving, but struggle with it, that’s ok. You don’t have to figure it all out now. You will in time. My experience is, the journey is worth it. For you, for your relationships and for the human race as a whole.

The journey is sweeter, though, after you accept what you are.

On your way, consider doing something now to sweeten life for LGBTQ people. You might meet your match in the process.

An Awesome Thing Happened On Wikipedia And You Probably Missed It.

your transattraction is good

In less than a week, Wikipedia did something positive for the transgender community.

Wikipedia contributors have removed a fringe and controversial theory about attraction to transgender people and replaced it with an entry based on more common knowledge about trans-attraction.

While this seems like a tiny step, we think it’s huge.

We just had a conversation with a transgender woman who was in fact using this fringe theory to tie her self in knots about her own value as a person worthy of someone’s attention.

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It looks like the decision to remove the theory’s entry took place around 2013. But we looked up the theory just last week and it was still there. Today, it’s been redirected to the more accurate entry.

Awesome.

The exchange between Wikipedia contributors and the original poster of the fringe theory is quite an interesting read. The original poster, btw, happens to be one of the theory’s originators.

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Here’s the entry it has been replaced by. It’s not the best (you gotta start somewhere) but it certainly acknowledges the legitimate existence of trans-attraction thus validating the romantic value transgender people inherently possess. Just like the rest of us.

In other words: it’s NORMAL and validating to love transgender people.

Well done Wikipedia.

 

 

Men: you gotta understand your love stories

 

Men (and transwomen). You’re wanting a relationship. Essentially that means you’re wanting love. Do you know what you mean when you talk about “love”?

It’s an important question. Love comes in all kinds of shapes and colors. And definitions. Knowing what “love” is like for you can help you determine if you’re getting what you’re wanting, or what you’re not wanting.

For example, for a long time my “love story” told me that love included fighting, disagreements, coldness, periods of sexual expression, and a smattering of peace. As a result of this “love story”, guess what my relationships looked like?

That’s right, each relationship was incendiary, unstable, and fraught with drama. The sex was good…for a while. But the drama always overwhelmed good sex.

Later I learned a new love story. I learned that love and relationships were a forge designed to toughen and transform hearts into strong independent/interdependent entities capable of “standing on one’s own feet” instead of relying on the love and adoration of another. From that “training” one could love another unconditionally.  This story I learned from a book called The Passionate Marriage.

Unfortunately that story created relationships that were more learning laboratories than nurturing really loving ones. Learning 24/7 is not necessarily a fun thing to do. Especially with your intimate partner.

Today my love story is more akin to real “unconditional” love. It says I have the capacity to love everyone because everyone (including myself) is love. More importantly, the most meaningful love for me, and the least capricious love, comes from within. Not from another person.

That kind of love leaves me free to be. More importantly, it allows my partner to be whoever she is too. It allows me to not be affected by the love or the lack of love I get or don’t get from another person. Which leaves me happy and less susceptible to bouts of dramas, disagreements and misunderstandings. These things still happen sometimes, but I’m far less rocked by them. As a result, my relationship is more calm, peaceful and more joyful, mainly because I don’t look in my relationship to find calmness, peace and joy. Instead, I look within, where calmness, peace and joy is available 24/7.

Your love story is creating your reality in relationships. What is your love story? And is it causing you to look for love in all the wrong places?