I’m constantly on edge in my relationship with Muriel. That’s because I never know when she’s going to blow my mind.
That’s what happened this morning while chatting with her online. We talked about having sex with trans women. As our conversations usually do, this one got deep, quick.
Balls deep.
Specifically, we talked about the ins and outs of anal sex. No pun intended.
Some transgender clients express slight frustration with particulars of that sex style. After all, vaginal sex doesn’t require preparations necessary for good, clean anal. So some of my trans clients have less interest in sex at frequencies compatible with what they believe men will want.
Men will want sex more often than my clients, they say. Because of that, my clients fear they won’t be able to satisfy their men. It requires too much preparation. Other clients express lack of sexual interest due to HRT medication. That too, they fear will cause dissatisfaction in their partners.
Sorry, I don’t have a vagina.
As my GF and I talked about this, she went off. She shared a perspective I wasn’t prepared for. A perspective offering a no BS take on what anal is really about, what it offers and what it doesn’t. She also waxed poetically on a problem she thinks many trans women have:
I wonder how many trans women look at their sexual parts this way. Help me out: do you think you offer a substandard alternative to vaginal sex? Are you also thinking their partners won’t want anal as an alternative?
Muriel obviously has thought this over. Perhaps it’s something every trans woman must come to grips with. Muriel has come to a great place on it:
I think she has a point about trans women seeing themselves as second class. Second class to cis women. AND second class in terms of what they offer male partners sexually.
But there are plenty of men who enjoy anal sex. And, just to be clear, there are plenty of cis-women who enjoy anal over vaginal sex too. I even dated one some time ago. She LOVED getting it in the ass!
Meanwhile, as we all know, anal sex comes with poop. Trying to clean all that out prior to sex does offer logistics that can put the kibosh on spontaneity. It doesn’t have to though. Nor does the butt need to play second fiddle to the vagina. For women without a vagina, the “anal isn’t an alternative to vagina” must be unraveled. It’s not an alternative. It’s something altogether different.
No apologies
And this is where self affirmation comes in. Self affirmation means finding worthiness in who we are as we are. Self validation is another word for it. It’s the opposite of “outside validation”, which I argue a lot of trans women have trouble with.
So do trans-attracted men, btw.
After all, trans-attracted men on the DL are on the DL because they fear others’ opinions of their desires. In other words, they validate their desires and selfhood based on what others think about those things. Some trans women do the same thing. And that’s why both DL men and some trans women find one another. They are perfect matches.
Muriel isn’t about any of that. She’s not about apologizing for what she is. I love that. That and her humor:
It’s not about the sex
Obviously the choice to have a vagina or not has more to do with identity than where one wants a dick. Many (most?) trans women who opt for a vagina do so because it completes them. Sex may be a secondary consideration. Or, maybe, sex doesn’t even figure in.
So trans women who want a vagina needn’t be triggered by this story. It’s really not about them. This story is really not about sex either. It’s about my GF opinions. Opinions I find endearing.
I shared these opinions with a trans-attracted client of mine. His response: “I love the confidence expressed in these texts” he said.
I agree.
Muriel’s confidence is so attractive. So is her self awareness. I can see how cleaning up my own stories about myself, my transamory and about trans women have made me a match to her. For that, I’m grateful for what I’ve done.
I think Muriel is too.
PS — Did you like that pun in the headline? If so, drop me a message. I thought it was perfect.
It’s just so awesome seeing how life delivers really fantastic surprises. That’s what happened recently. I was talking with Muriel about the trans community. Specifically we were talking about violence and trans people. I recently wrote a blog in response to that conversation.
But what I didn’t share in that post was how the story evolved after Muriel and I had that conversation. Muriel always inspires me. She’s super smart. She also has really insightful views, informed, probably, by her life experiences. Too bad I can’t share some of those, because they’re quite interesting.
But I respect her privacy.
So, anyway, we talked about violence and radicalization. We specifically talked about certain trans women. Women who want to take up arms against transphobic people. Our conversation had us both thinking we could write something about what we talked about. Muriel shares her views on a blog. I do too, obviously.
After we talked, I went on a walk. I thought a little about the conversation while out and about. And then, I came across this:
I featured this photo in my previous blog. What’s interesting about it is it exactly matches or substantiates what we talked about. That it did didn’t escape me. Which is why I immediately shared the experience with Muriel:
It’s not coincidence
It’s not coincidence I encountered this specific graffiti. There’s really no such thing as “coincidence”. Everything we experience is purposeful. It springs from our conscious focus, aka, our stories/beliefs.
Muriel and I together, focused on a particular subject. That focus had me choose a path that rendezvoused me with this graffiti. That’s because my Broader Perspective knew it would delight me. Which it did!
I shared the photo with Muriel. She said she’ll accompany her blog with it. I did the same, of course.
So why am I sharing this?
It’s because this little event offers the framework available to us. One that works with anything we desire. Focus on that desire exclusively and watch as the Universe will conspire with our Broader Perspectives to bring us that which we focus on. We’re already doing it. Which is why so many transgender women complain about men, yet don’t find love. It’s why so many trans-attracted men say their “type” doesn’t exist then don’t meet any.
We must focus on what we want to get that. We can’t get what we want through focusing on the opposite. My life is rich with examples like this. Muriel is an example of this.
And you can be too. Let’s get you the love you want. Or whatever else your heart desires. Contact me.
Muriel and I were talking recently. In case you have been up on the news, I have a girlfriend. She happens to be trans. I call her Muriel because I respect her privacy.
Anyway, she and I were talking about an article she wrote. It was about radicals, terrorists, and generally violence perpetrated by radicalized people. In it she described a trans person who, themselves was “at the threshold of radicalization”. This person, she wrote, made the case for direct action against those perpetuating violence against trans people. Muriel also said she agreed with this person’s arguments. Almost.
But she changed her mind.
During our conversation, we talked about a lot of past violence. Violence perpetrated by terrorists yes. But also “economic” violence billionaires wage. But I couldn’t help focusing on some transgender people’s calls for violence against those who wage violence on them.
I understand the sentiment. But no matter how much relief such violence offers temporarily, it’s not worth what violence ultimately creates. Which is, of course, more violence.
I want to dig into this a bit.
Violence is powerlessness manifested
If we look at people who commit violence, we’ll find something of note. Every violent actor acts from powerlessness. Violence is the act of the powerless. It is action taken by one who has lost all control. Or someone bent on “justice”. Which in most violent cases, is really “revenge”. In every case, they believe they have no other option. That’s powerlessness.
Every racist, bigot or conservative, Christian whacko who perpetuates violence against trans people also does so out of ignorance. Think about it. Such people rarely get to know a transgender person. They do no research on the matter. Or they rely on religious texts. Texts often taken out of context. So they possess no real education on the subject. They’re fueled by fear. And they feel powerless. All that leads to irrational action. Which is almost always what violent acts are: irrational.
The only exception is self-defense. But even there, violence is problematic. I’ll get to that in a bit.
Some trans-attracted men resorted to violence. That’s the “gay panic” defense often used years ago, when it seemed trans women were being killed at epidemic rates. “Gay panic” points to powerlessness. The men literally scared themselves out of all reason. Because their stories about their trans-attraction triggered catastrophic conclusions. “What will my homies think?” “What will my fellow Marines think?” “They’ll ridicule me!”
So people who fear the transgender phenomena act from fear, ignorance and powerlessness. Is it then really a good idea for trans people to choose violence? Trans people arguing for violence are becoming that which they fear: Irrational, ignorant powerless people.
The alternative to violence is compassion. Let’s look at that next.
Violence relinquishes the moral high ground
I argue often that trans people represent a leading edge evolution of humanity. By definition such people will face persecution. All pioneers do. At first. Then their way becomes accepted practice. And that’s what trans people are doing. They set a new bar for what it means to be human. A bar taking humanity to another level of human-ness.
This means, of course, that trans people hold a high ground of morality. And, because of what they represent evolutionarily, they exist on the right side of history. Just look at how many trans children alter their parents’ views. I argue more such positive change is quietly happening. In homes, schools, boardrooms and yes bathrooms, more positive change is happening than not. It’s just that resistance is news. Controversy is too. So the media reports that. Instead of the good news. Which explains why I suggest that my clients not listen to the news.
Good news doesn’t sell.
So the trans community resorting to violence instantly gives up its moral high ground. It becomes what it is changing. Then it perpetuates more of that.
Violence almost always creates more violence. Look around. The Middle East is aflame with it. And that conflict has been going on forever. Terrorists haven’t solved their perceived problems with violence. The US and its allies or Russia accomplished nothing with violence waged on Afghanistan. Indeed, it could be argued that they just created more terrorists. There’s no value to the trans community in embracing violence.
Which brings me to the next point.
Violence creates no positive outcomes
Very little good happens from waging violence. This is debatable though. World wars, for example, triggered a lot of positive outcomes. But were those outcomes worth the deaths, carnage and suffering?
And even with those outcomes the seeds of the next war were planted. Which is why we keep having wars. If anything is guaranteed from violence, it’s that it sows the seeds of more violence. Including escalation of violence.
Even in the case of self defense, violence creates more problems than not. Violence is very expensive. It’s legally risky. It sows the seeds of retribution.
A conversation playing out in graffiti between presumably trans people and cis folks.
Notice those best prepared for violence eschew that path. I’m talking about experts in meting out violence. Special forces individuals and highly-ranked martial artists, for example, are some of the most peaceful people around. When confronted with violence, they near-always mete out the least necessary violence to neutralize the threat. In other words, their violence is informed largely by compassion, light-heartedness and a rational, open mind trained through years of practice. I should know: I have high ranks in nine different martial arts disciplines.
If a situation has devolved to violence, then involved parties have both lost. The best option is averting any need for violence in the first place. Which means creating an environment where you and violence are incompatible. That’s a natural result of my client work.
But that’s also another story.
Violence brings more suffering on the violent
A client once asked me about people out there who would do violence to you no matter what. “Shouldn’t I prepare myself or at least think about those possibilities?” She asked.
“Here’s another alternative,” I said. “You could create a reality wherein those kinds of people can’t find you. Then you don’t have to prepare for anything.”
It’s taken her a while, but she now sees the wisdom in those words. For she doesn’t worry about bad things happening to her anymore. The same potential exists for every trans person. Every person actually. We all are the center of our universe. Nothing comes into our experience we don’t invite. And we invite through our stories.
So if we want a life free of transphobes, creating that life is easy. It takes some work at first. But it’s available to any trans person. And when that world exists, where’s the need for violence or even preparing for it?
But the violent always are on edge. They perpetually think about facing violence. So they must arm themselves. Then they must brandish their arms. They must bluster and join forces with other violence-oriented people.
That kind of energy isn’t conducive to the human organism. It literally creates sickness. Mental illness yes. But also physical illnesses like cancer and other deadly conditions.
Furthermore, no matter how much you prepare for violence, there will always be someone more violent than you. One that can literally consume your life.
Is that the kind of life you want? I sure don’t. I’d rather create for myself a life of peace and harmony. And let the violent blow each other up!
Trans people are better than that
Finally, trans people are so much better than needing to resort to the irrational acts of violence. So many more productive options exist. The most powerful – and rewarding – one being taking charge of your creative powers and creating a life where violence can’t find you.
In that state, we maximize our connection with that which had us choose coming into the world as trans and trans-attracted in the first place. Maximizing that connection infuses us with a sense of our divine power. That power can literally change worlds.
And it does change worlds. Nothing else does, believe it or not.
Violence certainly doesn’t. It hasn’t ended wars. It has’t created peace. Communities aren’t free of it.
But your world can be free of it.
Embracing violence is beneath transgender people. It does no one any good. And it robs trans people of the love that inherently exists in them.
For if you’re contemplating violence, you’re not contemplating love, compassion and joy. Love compassion and joy alone makes violence go away. They’re my weapons of choice these days.
In light of two calls I’ve received recently, I’m beginning to wonder what’s happening in South America. Could it be that Latin cis-women are more open in their sexuality than the rest of the world?
Or, is the experience I’ve just had indicative of a trend emerging world wide?
Over the years, several cis-women sent me messages about what I share. Apparently, some wives of trans-attracted men have no other source of advice. So they end up at The Transamorous Network website. I suppose that’s not a surprise. People have told me The Transamorous Network dominates search rankings for “transamory” and “transamorous”.
But wives of trans-attracted men must know that term in order to search for it. Am I right? Or can they use other search terms and end up at The Transamorous Network? I don’t really know.
Whatever the case, over the last few years, I’ve been on the receiving end of several wives’ ire. They’ve complained bitterly about discovering their husbands’ trans-attraction. Some found their men engaged in conversations with escorts, or having sex with them. Or they’ve found transgender porn on their men’s computer history.
Nearly all these women expressed outrage at their husbands’ behavior. And all of them live in North America.
Recently, however, I got two calls indicating perhaps a change in all that.
Love overcomes all?
Both these women called me from South America. One from Brazil, the other, who I spoke with just this morning, from Colombia. The Brazilian has a trans-attracted long-term boyfriend. The woman from Colombia married her spouse more than a decade ago. Both women were not upset about their husband’s trans attraction. In fact, both knew about it not long after meeting their partners.
But in both cases, the men’s trans attraction began significantly affecting the relationship. So much so both women reached out for advice. Both women expressed wanting to remain with their partners. And both want to help their partners so they can remain in the relationship. I think that’s remarkable.
Is it ironic both women are from latin cultures? I thought these cultures, both sharing hefty doses of Catholicism, would frown on trans attraction, comparing it to homosexuality. And yet, both these women proved me wrong. Both were open and quite supportive of their men’s sexual interest.
Meanwhile, as I wrote above, every woman who expressed ire over their men’s behavior called or wrote from the United States. Might this indicate something? I don’t know. Samples sizes are far too small to tell.
But when talking with these two South American women, I could feel their openness to my explanation of their men’s issues. They both recognized the spiritual origins of their men’s trans attraction. They also had compassion for the shame and guilt their men felt. So much so, it surprised me.
It also surprised me that I got no push back when I told them the best way to support their men and their partnerships was to focus on the positive aspects of their men. Neither woman contested the idea that they create their reality through what they think and say. I thought that remarkable too.
Is the world changing?
I don’t know if the world is changing in this way. But it is great to talk with cis-women who aren’t threatened sexually or otherwise by their men’s trans attraction. I can tell both feel their men’s trans attraction will enhance their relationships. These women’s level of commitment to their relationships and their partners was, to me, extraordinary.
Perhaps trans attraction is entering a stage similar to being transgender: where the men (and women) who find trans people irresistible will find acceptance. That acceptance may currently be in small pockets around the world. But hey, that’s a toe-hold. It may be the beginning of a larger development.
And it just might be that I have created around me a bubble of people progressive enough, spiritual enough to recognize trans attraction as a blessed thing. Something as worthy as any other expression of love.
I’m ok with that.
I love talking with and encouraging people who already are open to new ways of being. It warms my heart knowing such cis-women exist. Just as I know trans women exist who are as accepting of trans-attracted men as they are accepting of themselves.
Over time, women have written me after finding out their husbands/partners are trans-attracted. Recently, two such people sought my advice. Those conversations were enlightening. What can they do about their men’s trans attraction, they asked. Interestingly, both wanted to stay with their men.
Remaining with their partners is new. At least in my experience. Past women writing me expressed outrage. Or they felt shame and revulsion. Or they felt betrayed at discovering their men find transgender women attractive.
Presumably, some readers are reading this because they’re in similar situations. I’m writing this post for those of you. The world doesn’t offer many resources for you. Just as it doesn’t offer many resources for your man. So you’re likely to make mistakes. Mistakes that could cost your marriage. Mistakes including believing that your relationship is over.
It doesn’t have to be.
Read on to discover a fresh, empowering perspective. A perspective about you, your relationship and the man you either are, or once were, in love with. In other words, there is hope. Hope for you, for your man and for your relationship.
I know what I’m talking about
Just for background: I’m a transamorous guy. “Transamorous” is a relatively new term. It means someone who is attracted to transgender women. “Trans-attraction” is another word for it. But the two aren’t the same.
Transamorous is a higher order, more mature version of trans-attraction. You can read more about the two in this post.
I have had my own experience with moving through trans-attraction to transamory. Part of that journey involved being married. My process happened over many years. Since then, I created this site to help men like me. As I wrote above, such men don’t have many resources they can turn to.
Given my experience, I’d say I’m an expert on this situation. Not only because I share the attraction your husband does. But also because I work with men like your husband.
I also work with trans women. So I have an understanding of both sides of the relationship dynamic which brings these two groups together. It’s a very strong dynamic that needs some explanation. The dynamic involves you too. Not in the way you probably think it does though.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Suffice it to say, I know what I’m talking about. And I offer what I know to soothe concerns you’re feeling. It’s going to be ok. Don’t panic.
Knee-jerk reactions born of panic aren’t in your best interest. (Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash)
None of this is a judgement on you
This section is important. Some women discovering their man is trans-attracted make the mistake of blaming themselves. You must not do this. Nothing has gone wrong although it may feel that way. You’re not a bad partner. This has nothing to do with your sexuality, or your ability to please your man.
There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this. What’s happening is the natural unfolding of your relationship. Because it’s natural, it was unavoidable. In some way, at some time, this was going to happen. So rather than thoughts like “my relationship was a sham all along”, or “My self-esteem is shattered”, it’s better to consider that everything about your relationship is working. It’s just that some things are happening you just don’t understand yet.
Society conditions us to put other people’s opinions of us ahead of our own. That shows up in thoughts like “what are people going to think of me?” or “I’m going to be the laughing stock of my church”. People’s tendency to put other people’s opinions of them ahead of their own is a major impediment to happiness generally.
But it really is detrimental in this situation. Mainly because what’s happening is a special event. An event those around you are likely to not understand at all. More importantly, considering others’ opinions at this time will disempower your ability to reap the wonderful opportunities that exist in this situation. For you, for your partner and for the world generally. This especially includes opinions of your family and your friends.
So you must do your best to refrain from thinking about what others might or are thinking about what you’re experiencing. Their opinions do not matter.
You came into this situation on purpose. You came with everything you need to benefit tremendously from it. No one who matters is negatively judging you. You might be though. If you are, that’s not helpful.
Your emotions might be acting against you
Whether you’ve just found out or consciously knew all along, what you’re experiencing in your relationship is a special situation. It’s human evolution happening right before your eyes. As such, this is not a sexual, or romantic situation. It may seem that way. But that’s the wrong context to look at what you and your husband are going through. If you look at it from there, you’re sure to feel betrayal and other similar emotions.
Meanwhile, this is a much bigger, much more important experience for both of you. It CAN be a deepening of your relationship, not a destroyer of it. But how YOU frame it will determine which it will be. So not panicking is in your best interest. In fact, the more logical you can be about this situation, for now, the better.
We’ll reintroduce emotional reactions in a bit.
For now, it’s important that you not engage with or invest in your emotional reaction. That’s because you’re likely to create unfavorable outcomes. Particularly if you’re feeling negative emotions about what’s happening. So any negative emotional reactions are acting against you.
I’m presuming you love your man. Or loved him up to discovering what he’s been doing. I argue that you still love him. You may not feel that love right now. Maybe you do. If you do, that’s a great start.
If you don’t, I ask you just be patient a bit. I promise the love you have for him will return. It may return by the time you finish reading this.
What’s happening with your man
As I wrote above, your man is undergoing a process. It is a divine, spiritual process of human evolution. It’s not about sex or romance, although it sure looks like that. And, your man probably doesn’t understand what’s happening to him either. I mean, sure, he feels arousal. He can see his behavior. But he may not be very clear about why what’s happening is actually happening.
As such, he’s likely questioning a lot of things. Particularly, he’s questioning his own sexuality and sense of self. Meanwhile, many other thoughts are going on in his head. Some of those thoughts are about you. They’re about his love for you. They likely are scary thoughts. Thoughts about what might happen if you find out. Thoughts that you will judge him harshly when you find out.
And, while he’s thinking all this stuff, he’s feeling shame, embarrassment, self-loathing and more. Which all explains why he’s doing what he’s been doing in secret. He just can’t bear to talk with you about it. Hell, he can barely acknowledge it to himself!
He also has nowhere to turn. The internet doesn’t help (save for my content and a smattering of other scant sources). But it can provide relief and space to explore. Relief in the form of porn, which allows exploration. But maybe your man has moved beyond that. He might be seeing a trans woman on the side. He may be seeing and paying for escorts or prostitutes who happen to be trans.
All these acts are part of this glorious process of human evolution. He doesn’t feel it that way. And, likely, neither do you. Nevertheless, that’s what it is. Let’s take a dispassionate look at that process.
It’s evolution baby!
We humans are way more than our bodies. No matter what your religion says or what your beliefs are, we are eternal beings enjoying a human experience. That experience has definite purposes. One of those is something I call “expansion”.
I’m not going to go into great detail here. The point is, your husband before he became a human, embarked on his human journey knowing full well he would experience what he’s experiencing: this thing called trans attraction. He knew it would cause his expansion. And here’s the kicker: he also knew it would create expansion for humanity, the world and the Universe at large.
Another kicker: the fact that you’re involved with him can only mean one thing: you were in this from the beginning. In other words, you also agreed to have this journey, this evolutionary adventure. That’s how you saw it before you became a human: an adventure.
Maybe you don’t see it that way now. But you can. Believe it or not, this experience will enrich your relationship. But you must make the decision that triggers that enrichment. No one else can do it. Including your man.
This evolution is causing humanity to see itself in new ways. It’s not new from our divine, eternal perspective. But as humans, it is new. The newness feels like “never been before”, and “pushing the boundries of self-expression”. It feels like “breaking down limiting beliefs and prejudices”. It feels like “letting go of what we’ve been told.”
So this process is divinely inspired to move humanity forward. And you, dear reader, are an active participant. I want you to see yourself as a supportive, willing active participant.
What your man is going through represents a divinely-inspired process of human evolution. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)
The transgender experience
“Transgender” is the flip-side of your husband’s experience. Trans people and your husband are working together at a divine level. Transgender women, your man and men like him agreed to all of this. They knew the world would be better off as a result.
Being trans is a leading edge expression of humanity. Maybe you’ve noticed how much in the news the experience is. It’s literally transforming every aspect of civilization. From bathrooms to boardrooms, from the pews to politics, transgender people are fulfilling their roles. Many of them don’t understand what they’re doing from the perspective I’m writing. That doesn’t invalidate what you’re reading though. Like your man, these people don’t remember a time before their human birth. But that time heavily influences everything happening here.
Which is why nearly every transgender person feels being trans was something that happened to them, rather than something they chose.
Glory inherent in this experience already is being seen in many trans people’s lives. Success, wealth, recognition and increased freedoms are becoming an increasingly common experience for these people.
But the one area where they still struggle – particularly trans women – is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance and, as an extension, finding love. This is where your man comes in.
He’s a reflector
Your man’s role in these women’s lives is to reflect acceptance, love and appreciation back to the women. It’s a journey. It’s a process. One that works both on the women and your man. For your man is likely not accepting who he is as a trans-attracted person. Which is why he’s hiding it. He’s also afraid of what friends, family and society at large will think of him. Just as he’s afraid of what you might think of him.
This fear is similar to fears trans women have about themselves. In that way, the two groups – trans women and trans-attracted men – are perfect mirrors of one another. And the divine gift is, the two groups coming together and, in that process, both finding “healing” (that’s not a word I use often but it’s the best I can think of as I write this).
Now, your man is also reflecting for you. Presumably you two met and developed a love for one another. Real love is unconditional. That means, no matter the conditions, love remains at the forefront. Any other kind of love is not love. So if you’re feeling anything other than love for you man, even in the awareness of his trans-attraction, then you do not love him.
This is important to understand.
Your man, therefore, is helping YOUR expansion too. Expansion into what? Into unconditional love. Which is, by the way, your natural state. You ARE love. That’s why it feels so good to love and be loved. Both experiences faithfully reflect back to you what you are. Make sense?
The power of your thoughts is real
Think about the following statements:
I once loved (name of your man)
Maybe I still love (name of your man)
I am in a relationship with (name of your man) because I love(d) (name of your man)
I don’t want (name of your man) to suffer
He’s hiding this from me because he’s scared
Maybe he’s hiding this from me because he’s also embarrassed
(name of your man) might not understand what he’s feeling
He probably believes he must be “the man” for me
And this experience is probably challenging that for him
He doesn’t have to be “the man” for ME
But he might think he has to
So (name of your man) is struggling with this as much as I am
I hope he’s not suffering
Maybe he thinks he’s gay
Maybe I think this means he’s gay (my note: he’s not)
I want him to be happy
I don’t want him to be embarrassed or scared
There’s compassion in me for (name of your man)
I do love (name of your man)
I want us both to be happy
These are productive thoughts about this situation. Maybe you’re feeling even a smidgen of compassion, more understanding or love for your man after reading them. Or maybe just a bit of relief from your negative judgements. If you are, then you’ve experienced the power of your thoughts.
The way out of this situation is using that power. You’re using it now. But if you’re feeling negative or judgy about it, then you’re using it to your detriment. And the detriment of your relationship.
But if you use it deliberately you can completely and totally transform this experience. Not just for you, but for your man too. And for your relationship. Let’s look at what I’m talking about.
Your thoughts create everything
I’m not going to go into great detail here. That’s the purpose of my client work. But your thoughts and beliefs are the source of your entire earthly experience. And the more you deliberately think and believe, the better your life will get.
That includes people you interact with. The more you deliberately think and believe about people in your life, the better those people will become for you. That’s how powerful you are. My clients are proving this to themselves every week. I’m experiencing it in my life too, which is why I can teach people how to do this.
Inherent in you is the ability to create any version of any experience that is consistent with your desire. You can’t change other people’s desires. You can’t, for example, create a version of your husband who is not trans-attracted. Doing so would violate free will, which is a basic tenet of All That Is.
But you can create a more joyful version of your relationship/marriage. You can make it more consistent with what you are: unconditional love. And in doing so, you can transform who you are. When you do that, the world, including your relationship and your man, will reflect that back to you.
But to use this power, you must give up blaming. You must give up blaming others for your experience. That includes giving up making your man wrong for his trans-attraction or anything he’s done.
Here’s the thing: You knew he was trans-attracted when you first met him and didn’t read the clues. Nothing happens without you knowing on some level. That’s because you are the creator of your reality. No one else is creating it.
You create your entire experience. Including your relationship. (Photo by Caleb Ekeroth)
Recreating your relationship
So going forward, you have an awesome option regarding this situation: You can start deliberately thinking and believing about it. Do that and the situation will change in your favor!
Changing it has nothing to do about changing your partner. It has everything to do with YOU changing. You must become a more positive thinker/believer. You must begin reframing everything in your experience as positive. Including what your husband is doing. Do that and you’ll find your relationship seemingly miraculously changing.
So you may think the problem is what your man is doing. That’s not the problem. The problem is what you’re thinking about what your man is doing. That’s where your suffering is coming from. It’s coming from how you’re thinking and believing.
Rectifying your thoughts and beliefs isn’t easy. Mostly because many beliefs lurk beneath one’s conscious awareness. This explains why having someone like me around is helpful. I can spot unconscious beliefs in another better than they can themselves.
A therapist will not be as effective. That’s because they’re going to include your man in their solution. The problem though isn’t your man. It’s not his behavior. It’s what you’re thinking about both those subjects. Many other subjects too!
If you felt some relief reading those statements above, you’ve already had direct experience with the effectiveness of the approach I’m outlining here.
It’s powerful for a reason
This approach is extremely effective. That’s because it relies on basic building blocks of All That Is. Building blocks you constantly use to create your experience. You just don’t know that’s what you’re doing.
Do it deliberately and you will literally transform your relationship/marriage. And your husband. And yourself. The change doesn’t happen overnight. But initial signs are immediate.
The opposite is true too. If you’re worried, concerned, angry, feeling betrayed or similar emotions, you’re using this approach to create a future you’re not wanting. That’s why I wrote at the beginning that panicking is not in your best interest.
So find ways to relax. Look for things in your relationship that please you. Focus on those. Talk yourself into appreciation of your man and what you have with him. Then, maybe, you’ll feel better. Then you’ll be inspired to open a dialogue with him instead of starting a fight. Maybe you’ll be inspired to tell him you love him. That you want him to be happy no matter what. But that you’d like to remain with him and walk this path together.
If you can get there, then you have a chance. Anything that has you relax and find peace with yourself works in your best interest.
This is not a comprehensive explanation. It’s meant to offer advice that will work. But you must act on it. What I’ve written here isn’t enough to make the process work for you. There’s just not enough room to explain a process that requires hundreds of hours to master.
But mastering it gives you the keys to your kingdom. With it, you can create anything you want. Including a relationship full of unconditional love, rewarding experiences and a deepening peace and happiness.
