Author: Perry Gruber

An entrepreneur making the world a better place than it already is.
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All Hail Penelope

 

 

Editor’s note: I wrote this two years ago. But it’s still a relevant story.

 

This is Penelope. Penelope is a boy. He’s transgender. He’s awesome.

When I got clear about my romantic and sexual attraction to transgender women, I came to an additional clarity about what transgender people are. Given how many transwomen desire to be seen as close to cisgender women as possible, I’ve tended to hold my own opinions of what transgender people are to myself, or at least shared with only a few.

Penelope has more balls than I do. And he’s eight.

Transgender people represent a natural extension of humanity. Transwomen for me aren’t cis-women. They never will be. That’s a good thing. The natural extension of humanity as I see transwomen was perfectly expressed in a response Penelope gave to his mother’s question, which was described by his mother in an online article

“How does it feet to be a boy with a vagina?” He replied, “Well, mom, I’m human, so it just feels normal.”

While some trans and even other members of the LGBTQI community have a hard time of it, I’m convinced transpeople have always represented a leading edge aspect of humanity, an extension that doesn’t require conforming one’s body to established societal norms. Some women have penises. Some men have vaginas. Get over it.

I get some transgender women want to be seen as “women”. That’s fine with me.

I find myself most resonating with transwomen who have little or no interest in that defining operation. Call it my preference, but there’s something deeper about that. Penelope’s mother puts it beautifully:

“Is it our job to facilitate body alterations? Or to help move the conversation more towards self-acceptance? Does having a beard make one a man? Will having a stronger jawline validate Penelope? Or is it our responsibility to keep reminding ourselves that we all have the right to simply “be” in the form that we were made?”

I agree with his mother. I love the idea of this expression of humanity emerging in public consciousness and becoming accepted as they are. To do that, humanity has a lot of growing up to do. But that growth isn’t my problem.

Or Penelope’s.

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You asked for it, you’re getting it

Where are all the men at?

Where are the men who will treat me right? Who will treat me like the woman I feel I am; who will respect me for who I am, not just what I am?

Transgender women have been asking this for a long time. Increasingly, they’re getting what they asked for.

The men are not only coming, they are here. But you may not be preparing your life to welcome them. If you’re a transwoman and you’re having a hard time finding the guy of your dreams, you better not be blaming your troubles on the lack of men. There are plenty of men as our shows are demonstrating.

So you better be blaming yourself. Here’s why.

Imagine there’s this ideal guy out there. He has everything you want in a man. Most important, he’s looking for you! He’s really wanting to be that guy you dream about. Yet he has desires in a partner too. You two may be a match on paper. Are you a match in reality? If you haven’t met him in person, then you aren’t. How can I be so confident of saying that? Because everything you want is yours so long as you create your life in such a way to receive what you’re wanting.

Are you working hard to find a guy? Are you frustrated with the effort you’re making? Are you disappointed with the guys you’re meeting? Do you complain to your girlfriends about it, your family, your work colleagues about the terrible date you had? Do you go into the next date projecting expectations for how bad that one will be?

If you’re projecting all this negativity, how can you possibly expect your ideal guy to find you through all that? You aren’t a match to the guy you want. As long as you complain, bitterly resist those guys who do show you attention, and make a lot of effort in your every day life, without first getting your stories right, you’re not ever going to meet that guy. Well you might, but it will be after a l-o-n-g period of suffering.

Want a funny, attractive, caring, warm, guy who appreciates you for who you are and isn’t embarrassed to be with you? Then you better bring similar qualities to the table. You have to be equally happy, attractive (inside and out), at peace with yourself and appreciative. If you’re anything other than this, it’s like you’ve got a force field up and your (ideal) guy is not gonna get through that.

You can do something about this. You can have a satisfying, soothing, positive, romantic relationship with the guy you’re wanting. Our Transwoman’s Guide To Finding Your Ideal Partner will help. Don’t have $50? Then keep watching and reading our free content. We’ll help you out.

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How to stop men from murdering transwomen

Most transwomen are murdered by men

Many victims know their killer.

Many killers engaged with their victim in a romantic or sexual context prior to killing them. Their violence stemmed from shame, surprise, embarrassment and fear…

So doesn’t it seem that the best approach to keeping transwomen safe, isn’t whipping up a bunch of fear about men, it’s approaching the men and having them realize finding transgender women attractive is NORMAL?

So when you shame a man who is interested in you as a “chaser”, believe it or not, you’re contributing to the amount of violence perpetrated on people like you.

Apparently, transgender actor and activist Jen Richards agrees. In a post on her Instagram, here’s what she had to say:

Want to stop trans murders?

Stop shaming men who like us, stop calling them gay when they’re not, stop watching dudes play us on screen.

Yes, it’s actually a deeply complicated and nearly intractable set of issues at the dangerous intersection of race, class, homophobia, misogyny, and economics, but the thing that most people can DO, right now, no matter who or where they are, is really that simple: stop shaming the men who like us, stop letting us be portrayed by men.

After years of thinking on this issue, listening to survivors of assault, reading the reports, talking to countless trans women/sex workers, that’s the heart of this. Straight men kill trans women partners because other people, and culture as a whole, says it’s gay, less masculine, to be with us.

So shut it down. Shut down every person or conversation that claims trans women are “really” men, every media depiction with men playing us.

If y’all have other ideas, I’d love to hear them. I’ve seen endless “stop trans murders” posts but no suggestions as to how, or any accountability.

This is our work at The Transamorous Network (the first part).

But we don’t do that by beating men over the head, trying to get them to stop what they would naturally do – the same thing many would do – when their stories trigger such behavior. Instead, we tell men how they can have everything they want. Then we show them how. It just so happens the “how” also has them change their stories about themselves and about transwomen. Which can over time lead to fewer violent acts.

Does our method work? We don’t have hard, scientific evidence, yet. But anecdotal evidence is mounting. And that’s all we need to stay encouraged.

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Tranny Chaser….really?

What is it about transwomen who rail against the tranny chaser. To me, it’s hypocritical. I mean, how does it feel, transgender women, when someone calls you “sir” on the street or in a store? Nevermind, I know how it feels, because my trans friends have told me.

We’re going to repeat this over and over: the men you shame by calling them names are going through a transition similar to your own.  Just as you likely had to come to grips with your own identity, these men – YOUR ALLIES – are going through a transformation too.

A transformation that, for many, still has them in the closet.

Remember when you used to try on clothes in the dark or in the privacy of your room, hidden from other people’s eyes? Remember when you used to hide or explain away remnants of nail polish on your fingers? In the same way, early stage transamorous men are going through similar stages when they experiment with you. They are testing the waters. And frankly those men have made it pretty far: at least they’re at the point of interacting with the person they desire.

Sure there may be boys out there who seek a fling, but it’s much more likely, everyone who expresses interest in you is doing so because they are interested at one level or another and that interest would build if society wasn’t constantly trying to stamp it out. “Society” includes you.

Your allies, the trans-attracted men out there, need your help as much as you need theirs…and yes, you do need them because – and you really need to get this: any man who is interested in you is transamorous by definition. That means in the course of trying to accept who they are they eventually help create a society that accepts who you are.

So help them out. Consider being more compassionate to their transition. Here are some tips to handling it lovely ladies:

  • Offer to talk about it straight up. Don’t sweep your feelings or the guy’s feelings under the carpet. If you see him acting nervous, stop taking it personal* and realize his nervousness is ABOUT HIM. Not you.
  • Ask him about it, ask him what he’s feeling. Have a serious conversation about it without making him wrong or shaming him. Control your knee-jerk reaction to play the victim role.
  • Listen to what he says, then express some empathy. Tell him a story about your own transition. It shows him you get what he’s going through.
  • Ask him if he can identify the thought that has him feeling this way. Ask him if he can think of other thoughts that could trigger other emotional responses other than nervousness, apprehension, fear or shame.
  • If you simply can’t deal with your own emotional reaction to someone who MATCHES YOUR STORY and is behaving in a way that triggers you, then it’s better than you figure your own securities (your stories) out first. For you’re not doing anyone any favors creating drama. You’re especially not helping yourself.

Your freedom as a transgender woman is fortified when you can accept that the men who are interested in you are just as deserving of respect for their transition as you are of yours. There are no tranny chasers. There are only men who are interested – often romantically – in people like you.

*Need some help with that? Contact me.

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The first Transgender District

Of course, it’s in San Francisco

This is a long time coming for the US. But I wonder if places overseas have been there done that…

The article linked above says proposed legislation in the Bay City, if passed, will create the first “government-sanctioned” transgender district in the world. Whether it’s history making or not, it’s a significant move forward. Leaders of this initiative hope this move will begin a push across the country by municipalities to protect transgender people, their communities and preserve their history.

Very nice.