Tag: Transphobia

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The Paradox Of Transgender Physical Reality

TL;DR: The author shares two experiences revealing a persistent behavior among trans and trans-attracted people, one that creates trouble in their lives. They then encourage trans and trans-attracted people to take control of their realities, by changing how they think about reality, asserting that one’s reality stems from one’s beliefs.

I recently had a wonderful encounter with two trans women. We attended a block party hosted by our local community center. One reason our encounter was “wonderful” was because I intended to manifest a reality wherein I met, at the block party, one of these two trans women who I had seen earlier this summer.

I’ll describe how I did that later as well as what happened next. I’ll do that while sharing about the apparent paradox I notice with trans women, one giving rise to troubles trans women face. The paradox was on beautiful display in my conversation with these two lovely people.

A client session I had also showed the same paradox, this time though, through the words of a transamorous man. The paradox I’m writing about, therefore, isn’t only happening for trans women; it’s happening for trans-attracted guys too.

It’s actually happening with every human. But since this blog is about trans/trans-attracted people, I want to keep my focus on transgender women and the men who love them, in hopes of soothing this tendency among people I care about.

Let’s dive in.

Hold on a sec

Before I dive in, a note of warning. I add this in posts sometimes because trans women write me complaining I’m invalidating their experience by telling them they create their reality through the thoughts and beliefs they think and hold. I’ve written post after post giving tangible, repeatable evidence how this happens. And yet, after reading posts in which I offer this warning, I still get trans women telling me I’m invalidating the trans experience. Of course, I know why they do that: it’s because I keep writing what you’re reading in this paragraph (LOL).

In other words, by harping on this, I’m attracting to myself insecure trans women who feel compelled to share their insecurity with me.

I’m guaranteeing some trans woman will be drawn to my writings. She’ll have a dominant negative disposition, although she’ll claim she doesn’t, and from there, from the insecurity dominant negative disposition creates within her, she’ll read what you’re reading right now. Then she’ll read the rest of this story and still make a comment that I’m invalidating her experience.

So here’s the disclaimer again: I know there are realities in which people are anti-trans. I get that legislatures in many nations are crafting anti-trans bills. Those are valid experiences and real as far as physical reality goes. I also know that no trans person needs to have those things in their personal experience. That’s the reason why I write this stuff. I write this stuff to help guide trans women (and trans-attracted men) who are ready to free themselves from lives that suck and eliminate gender bigots from their experience. So if you aren’t ready to do that, please, don’t read any further. This story is for people who are ready.

Ok, let’s look at what happened at this block party.

Intention creates a “coincidence”

I had seen one of the trans women, I’ll call her Charlie, a few times this summer. We barely made eye contact as we passed, her leaving the center, me just arriving. One day we did make eye contact though and we both greeted each other, I thought, warmly.

I wanted to get to know her, but only as a friend. After all, I didn’t know her and who knows if we matched. These days I’m not looking for a partner as my life is full as it is. Yet, I felt drawn to this person.

Knowing what I know, I set the intention that I’d see her at the block party. The community center had advertised it for some time now and it was just around the corner.

Now, think about this. The event was all day on a Saturday. There’s a high probability, given the over 12 hours of event time and hundreds of people who would show up, that I would not see Charlie. From a “realistic” stand point, we’d pass like ships in the night, with she going at one time, staying a while, and me going at another time.

But I know what I know. I know the Universe bends to our intentions when we allow ourselves to be aligned with our Broader Perspective. I’ve done that for decades now, so I know my chances of meeting a stranger more than once isn’t up to chance or coincidence. It’s completely up to my intention to want to see them and my belief that I will.

It wasn’t a surprise, therefore, when, I arrived at the event and, in the first five minutes saw Charlie walking around.

Changing topics….slightly

I have a Transamorous client who is making great headway in cleaning up his stories. I write about him often on this blog. He’s the client wanting to be a successful comedian.

This week we talked about his very first stage performance. It went way better than he thought it would. As it should have because he, like me, understands how the Universe works. So he set an intention that it would go well and it did.

While reviewing the recording he made of the performance he and I talked about what could have been better. One thing we talked about was his use of the word “faggot”. In the routine he calls himself a “faggot”. He does so at the end of a very humorous story about his trans attraction.

We both agreed however, that the delivery of that word stood out from all the rest in the sentence. He way over emphasized it, thereby calling attention to it. The emphasis felt out of place to me. So I asked him about that.

Our words create our worlds

He agreed that he did overemphasize the word and said it was because internally he was still uncomfortable with his trans attraction. He still has some beliefs that conflate being trans-attracted with being gay. And that conflation has him feeling negative about himself, he said.

That’s why when he spoke that word he did so with overemphasis. It was his fear of being judged manifesting, he said, an over compensation for his negative self-image and fear that he would be judged. I agreed with that assessment.

It’s interesting how our behaviors, including our words can reveal so much about our inner state. Our words literally create our world. That is the basis of what I share with my clients. And when that world gets created, everything in it is a reflection of one’s inner state. That includes other people as well as our own words and actions.

For example, this morning at breakfast I had a wonderful conversation with a stranger. We talked about spirituality and she asked about what I do for work. While answering that question I shared how while it’s highly satisfying working with clients, I prefer a life where money just comes to me without having to do anything for it.

Love reflected back to me

Sarah then said “I know you know this, but you could create a reality where all the things you need, like your rent and food, are just taken care of for you. Why do you need to focus on money?”

I said “I appreciate you saying that because right this moment in this now, you are the reflection showing me that I still have resistance about money in my vibration. It’s very subtle, but it’s obviously still there and I know this because you said what you said.”

At that moment she gave me a big smile and said “I love you so much!” Her expression of love was acknowledging that my statement was spot on. Totally in line with what we both knew. And, it was a reflection of my own self-awareness, my clarity of my expansion and the fact that my word creates my world, including others in it, which includes Sarah.

Then I shared with her my experience with money and the disempowering beliefs I once held, beliefs that are still there, but greatly diminished, evidenced by my ability to perceive her question as a reflection rather than criticism.

I think you might see where this is going…

Back to the block party

I grabbed a free hot dog and some macaroni salad. The salad was ok but the hot dog was scrumptious! Walking around I saw the trans woman I saw moments before. Walking with her was another trans woman. They walked over to a picnic table and took a seat. I decided I’d go meet them both.

I sat at the other end of the table after asking if it was ok to do so. They said yes, of course. I write “of course” because this was the unfolding of my earlier intention. Of course they would say yes! They were cooperative components to my desire.

Turns out the girl I wanted to get to know and the other girl, I’ll call Allie, are a couple. I also found out Charlie is a lifeguard at the community center. She’s super tall and lanky. Allie works at a vet clinic in town. She used to work at Whole Foods.

While talking amongst ourselves, Allie, referring to Charlie, overemphasized the fact that Charlie is a woman by strongly, loudly saying “SHE enjoys HER job.” When she did that, I paused, just for a moment, before continuing with my side of the conversation.

The community center where I met Charlie and Allie.

Trigger finger reaction

Later Allie and Charlie excused themselves and left the event. I sat there, finished my hot dog and reveled in the fact that I had manifested the opportunity to hear more about Charlie and got to meet her partner. I also knew my positive vibes had a big impact on them both.

On my way home though, I thought about what Allie did. It reminded me of my client the comedian. I wish I had the presence of mind to call her out on that. But at the same time, I get it. I suppose many trans women are not comfortable enough being trans such that they don’t invite people who misgender them.

That’s right, everyone creates their reality. Trans women are no exception. I get this too though: most trans women don’t know what you just read, let alone believe it. So when they’re constantly being misgendered, or looked at strangely, rather than doing something that could eliminate those experiences from their lives, they instead overemphasize them. They do that by making up really negative stories about why they were misgendered or stared at.

Doing that, they perpetuate those experiences in their lives. The cycle happens over and over. Meanwhile more things aligned with their focus show up, anti-trans legislation, for example. By the time those start showing up, the trans women believe they’re right: that the world is against them.

Then they get trigger happy about it. They come to expect to get misgendered, for example. So when Allie spoke, she wasn’t speaking that way because I was about to misgender Charlie. Such a thing would never cross my mind.

But she had her finger on the pronoun trigger. And to preempt her perceived need to correct me, pulled the trigger in advance, unnecessarily overemphasizing Charlie’s pronouns.

The world is getting better…See it?

Allie doesn’t know what my clients and I know. She doesn’t know that by doing that she’s positioned herself to experience exactly what she thought she was preventing: somewhere down the line she’s going to be misgendered.

And she’ll keep being misgendered until she does something about beliefs she has creating those situations.

Those situations don’t have to happen to any trans woman. That they happen at all says something every trans woman should want to know: that the world is a diverse place. While there are many people out there who are anti-trans and more than willing to call out trans people using the wrong bathroom or misgender trans people, there are plenty of people who won’t do those things. There are people out there who will see trans women for what and who they are and treat them thusly. Like me, for example.

This is why I constantly write about how great the world is getting for trans people. I do that because it IS getting better.

But as long as trans women focus on and amplify situations where they are misgendered, where anti-trans legislation is being crafted, or whatever JK Rowling Tweets, they create more momentum behind such experiences. That momentum builds until suddenly, seemingly, even the government is against trans people. Even though it’s not. Nor is the rest of society.

It’s hard to hear but no less false

It seems counterintuitive but taking one’s attention away from such events also takes all the wind out of the sails propelling such events to their fruition. That’s right, we don’t eliminate transphobia by collectively pushing against it. That elimination happens at the individual level, with each individual choosing thoughts and beliefs which makes it impossible for the transphobe to find that person. When every trans person does that, transphobes will still exist, but they won’t have any impact on the community.

That they do have an impact tells us there are many trans people focusing on transphobia and other unwanted situations. That focus turns into experiences. And that’s why those on the receiving end of transphobia experience those things. Nothing, no one else is responsible.

Abraham putting it plain. We all create the reality we experience.

That can be hard to hear for someone feeling victimized by transphobia. But there are no victims. Only powerful creators being too stubborn to accept that they create their reality, then taking the reins of the creation process and creating something they want, instead of what they don’t.

You can lead a horse to water, goes the saying. I’m willing to write millions of words to lead every trans woman to the refreshing, thirst-quenching power they possess. I realize, however, that few are ready to hear what I’m sharing.

Those who do hear find themselves free of what most trans women complain about. They’re in successful careers. They’re married to cisgender men. In other words, they’re getting lives they love because they’re deliberately creating them.

They’ve broken free of the physical reality most transgender women face. They’ve done it by doing something out of the ordinary: by becoming curious about the idea that they create their reality. No one else.

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This Keeps Trans People Believing The World Hates Them

TLDR: The author asserts that trans women doubling down on their negative interpretation of the world do a disservice to themselves. The author also suggests that there are empowered trans women leading successful lives who enjoy their success because they live those lives in appreciation. They then show how momentum keeps some trans people from the life they want to live, keeping them stuck in what they’ve got.

Let’s be clear: There are people out there who do not want to accept that transgender people are a valid expression of humanity. Those same people are riddled with fear about the very existence of “transgender” as a thing and what that thing says about their beliefs.

Ok. Now that that is out of the way we can say this: NEVERTHELESS, THE WORLD IS GETTING BETTER FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE. That’s right, the situation is vastly improved. Sure, there’s room to go. But there always will be room to go because that’s what being human is all about!

The cool thing is, when humans put their attention on the fact that things are improving, they can’t help but experience more improvement. Do that long enough and, in time, the human’s life will reflect back to them more improvement. In other words, their personal life will increasingly get better.

And while it does that, there still will be experiences where other people’s lives aren’t improving. I’ll show why in a moment. But the point is, telling better-feeling stories about life improving is worth it. It will literally make our lives better in every way.

So why is it that so many transgender women keep focusing on all the bad? And why is it that if the world is getting so much better for transgender people, so many transgender people don’t see it? That’s what this post is about.

Let’s get to it.

Successful trans people exist

The fact is, life will get better even if we tell disempowering stories about it, because that’s just how life works. But for people telling disempowering stories about life, life gets better much slower. It may even look like life isn’t improving at all. And so, there will be more disempowering things for such people to moan about.

Meanwhile, doing that (moaning about what is) just makes life worse. But only for those moaning. In the meantime, there are many trans people whose lives are getting better. I’ve written and interviewed several. So I know a thing or two about this.

All of those successful trans people don’t tell disempowering stories about themselves or the world around them. They’re too busy focused on what lights their fire. And so their lives fill with more things that light their fire: more success, more fun, more money and more joy.

But there are those trans women doing the opposite. They’re complaining about their lives and the plight of being trans. So they get more things to complain about. Don’t believe me? Or are you getting defensive now because the trans women I’m describing sounds like you?

Well, hang on a moment, it’s going to get more juicy. Because I’m about to give examples.

Advocating for the world getting better for trans people

I write a lot about how the world is improving for transgender women. Why? Because I know that’s happening and want trans women to know it too. I want them to know it because while I focus on all the good stuff happening in my life, my life is improving, in exactly the same way I described above. So I know that if trans women see the world positively, their lives would improve too.

In other words, I’m a huge advocate for trans women. I want success for every one of them. And, I know the best way they can enjoy success is to manifest it.

That’s why last April, I wrote yet another story in the long list of stories I’ve shared showing how great the world is becoming for trans women. The most recent was back in April.

That post responded to a post a trans woman wrote about how the United States is a state of hatred towards trans people, which is total bullshit. To support my assertion, I cited two reputable polling results. Those results show the vast MAJORITY of Americans support trans people, which means the US is a very good place for trans women to live. Totally the opposite of what the author wrote in her post.

What happened next is interesting.

Ignoring the obvious positive data

I decried the author’s focus and exaggeration of the tiny minority of Americans who struggle over accepting trans people. Then I criticized her using that minority opinion to mean that all of American does similarly. And, as I wrote above, I offered overwhelming evidence her views are just not accurate.

What happened next fully supports what you’re reading here. What happened is a perfect example for why so many trans women struggle with life even though they don’t have to.

Here’s what happened: nearly every trans woman who commented on my post ignored the positive data. Never mind my opinion, they didn’t even accept the data! Instead, they doubled down on their perspective that the world is bad for trans people and that people hate them.

At least when I pointed this out to one of the commenters, she acknowledged that that’s what she was doing. But the others, even after pointing out they were doing exactly what I suggested makes trans women’s lives suck, they just kept right on doing it!

It’s no wonder so many trans women struggle with life. They’re unwilling to have anything better! Or better said, they don’t realize they and only they make their lives sucky and that they and only they can use that same ability to make their lives better. How? By looking at how good their life already is.

One poll’s results showing the world improving for transgender people. Yet nearly every trans woman who read the post about these data ignored them and instead doubled down on their belief the world hates them. (Credit: Pew Research Center)

Finding empowerment in blame

Now, I’m not blaming the victim. If you think I am, you should read this post, because there are no victims. Everyone creates their own reality. That’s a statement of awesome empowerment potential. Because if you are responsible for creating the life you have, that means you can create any life you want! Evidence you’re creating your life is right in front of you: it’s your life! No one else is creating it!

I tell my clients all the time the proof they want that they are in the driver’s seat of their lives is the connection between their thoughts and their lives. There is always a direct connection. Sometimes it helps for someone like me to point to the connection. It can be difficult to see your own life this way.

Sometimes, when I share this, trans women will resist the accuracy of what you’re reading by claiming, again, that I’m blaming them for their trouble. Well, they are to blame. But here’s the thing: they also can be empowered by that realization.

And this is the power of belief. It’s extremely disempowering to feel blame about a situation, especially one’s life. That feeling tells us that the thoughts we’re thinking about what we’re thinking about are not helpful.

It’s a whole other, way more powerful place, however, to believe that because we are in the driver’s seat of our lives we can literally create any life we want! It’s even more empowering to put that belief to the test, see the results and feel how delicious empowerment feels.

Yet so many trans women refuse to give it a try.

Why is that? In a word: momentum.

Trans women: embrace your power

Many trans women are overwhelmed by the momentum of their creative powers.

That’s right. We all create our reality. We do that because we are powerful creators with the unlimited power of the Universe at our disposal. But we also enjoy free will, meaning we can do anything we want with that power. Including disempower ourselves.

But the Universe loves us and will always give us feedback about what we’re creating. Which explains why so many trans women’s lives suck. The Universe is urging such people through the feedback that looks like a sucky life to change what they’re doing. Change what they’re doing so they can enjoy life more.

That’s the same message this blog post and all the posts I post are about: getting trans women to embrace their power. Embrace it so they can turn their lives into the joyful lives they knew was available before choosing to coming into the world as a transgender person.

But so many come to these posts, read them, then double down on their disempowering stories. Just as they ignore the Universe’s urgings and keep doubling down on their sucky thoughts. Which is exactly what happened with that post I wrote in April. And probably will happen with this post too.

Even so, I’ll never stop sharing about how great life is. Not how great life can be, how great life is. Even for trans woman. Even though they keep believing the world hates them.

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Violence Accomplishes Nothing For Transgender People

Muriel and I were talking recently. In case you have been up on the news, I have a girlfriend. She happens to be trans. I call her Muriel because I respect her privacy.

Anyway, she and I were talking about an article she wrote. It was about radicals, terrorists, and generally violence perpetrated by radicalized people. In it she described a trans person who, themselves was “at the threshold of radicalization”. This person, she wrote, made the case for direct action against those perpetuating violence against trans people. Muriel also said she agreed with this person’s arguments. Almost.

But she changed her mind.

During our conversation, we talked about a lot of past violence. Violence perpetrated by terrorists yes. But also “economic” violence billionaires wage. But I couldn’t help focusing on some transgender people’s calls for violence against those who wage violence on them.

I understand the sentiment. But no matter how much relief such violence offers temporarily, it’s not worth what violence ultimately creates. Which is, of course, more violence.

I want to dig into this a bit.

Violence is powerlessness manifested

If we look at people who commit violence, we’ll find something of note. Every violent actor acts from powerlessness. Violence is the act of the powerless. It is action taken by one who has lost all control. Or someone bent on “justice”. Which in most violent cases, is really “revenge”. In every case, they believe they have no other option. That’s powerlessness.

Every racist, bigot or conservative, Christian whacko who perpetuates violence against trans people also does so out of ignorance. Think about it. Such people rarely get to know a transgender person. They do no research on the matter. Or they rely on religious texts. Texts often taken out of context. So they possess no real education on the subject. They’re fueled by fear. And they feel powerless. All that leads to irrational action. Which is almost always what violent acts are: irrational.

The only exception is self-defense. But even there, violence is problematic. I’ll get to that in a bit.

Some trans-attracted men resorted to violence. That’s the “gay panic” defense often used years ago, when it seemed trans women were being killed at epidemic rates. “Gay panic” points to powerlessness. The men literally scared themselves out of all reason. Because their stories about their trans-attraction triggered catastrophic conclusions. “What will my homies think?” “What will my fellow Marines think?” “They’ll ridicule me!”

So people who fear the transgender phenomena act from fear, ignorance and powerlessness. Is it then really a good idea for trans people to choose violence? Trans people arguing for violence are becoming that which they fear: Irrational, ignorant powerless people.

The alternative to violence is compassion. Let’s look at that next.

Violence relinquishes the moral high ground

I argue often that trans people represent a leading edge evolution of humanity. By definition such people will face persecution. All pioneers do. At first. Then their way becomes accepted practice. And that’s what trans people are doing. They set a new bar for what it means to be human. A bar taking humanity to another level of human-ness.

This means, of course, that trans people hold a high ground of morality. And, because of what they represent evolutionarily, they exist on the right side of history. Just look at how many trans children alter their parents’ views. I argue more such positive change is quietly happening. In homes, schools, boardrooms and yes bathrooms, more positive change is happening than not. It’s just that resistance is news. Controversy is too. So the media reports that. Instead of the good news. Which explains why I suggest that my clients not listen to the news.

Good news doesn’t sell.

So the trans community resorting to violence instantly gives up its moral high ground. It becomes what it is changing. Then it perpetuates more of that.

Violence almost always creates more violence. Look around. The Middle East is aflame with it. And that conflict has been going on forever. Terrorists haven’t solved their perceived problems with violence. The US and its allies or Russia accomplished nothing with violence waged on Afghanistan. Indeed, it could be argued that they just created more terrorists. There’s no value to the trans community in embracing violence.

Which brings me to the next point.

Violence creates no positive outcomes

Very little good happens from waging violence. This is debatable though. World wars, for example, triggered a lot of positive outcomes. But were those outcomes worth the deaths, carnage and suffering?

And even with those outcomes the seeds of the next war were planted. Which is why we keep having wars. If anything is guaranteed from violence, it’s that it sows the seeds of more violence. Including escalation of violence.

Even in the case of self defense, violence creates more problems than not. Violence is very expensive. It’s legally risky. It sows the seeds of retribution.

A conversation playing out in graffiti between presumably trans people and cis folks.

Notice those best prepared for violence eschew that path. I’m talking about experts in meting out violence. Special forces individuals and highly-ranked martial artists, for example, are some of the most peaceful people around. When confronted with violence, they near-always mete out the least necessary violence to neutralize the threat. In other words, their violence is informed largely by compassion, light-heartedness and a rational, open mind trained through years of practice. I should know: I have high ranks in nine different martial arts disciplines.

If a situation has devolved to violence, then involved parties have both lost. The best option is averting any need for violence in the first place. Which means creating an environment where you and violence are incompatible. That’s a natural result of my client work.

But that’s also another story.

Violence brings more suffering on the violent

A client once asked me about people out there who would do violence to you no matter what. “Shouldn’t I prepare myself or at least think about those possibilities?” She asked.

“Here’s another alternative,” I said. “You could create a reality wherein those kinds of people can’t find you. Then you don’t have to prepare for anything.”

It’s taken her a while, but she now sees the wisdom in those words. For she doesn’t worry about bad things happening to her anymore. The same potential exists for every trans person. Every person actually. We all are the center of our universe. Nothing comes into our experience we don’t invite. And we invite through our stories.

So if we want a life free of transphobes, creating that life is easy. It takes some work at first. But it’s available to any trans person. And when that world exists, where’s the need for violence or even preparing for it?

But the violent always are on edge. They perpetually think about facing violence. So they must arm themselves. Then they must brandish their arms. They must bluster and join forces with other violence-oriented people.

That kind of energy isn’t conducive to the human organism. It literally creates sickness. Mental illness yes. But also physical illnesses like cancer and other deadly conditions.

Furthermore, no matter how much you prepare for violence, there will always be someone more violent than you. One that can literally consume your life.

Is that the kind of life you want? I sure don’t. I’d rather create for myself a life of peace and harmony. And let the violent blow each other up!

Trans people are better than that

Finally, trans people are so much better than needing to resort to the irrational acts of violence. So many more productive options exist. The most powerful – and rewarding – one being taking charge of your creative powers and creating a life where violence can’t find you.

In that state, we maximize our connection with that which had us choose coming into the world as trans and trans-attracted in the first place. Maximizing that connection infuses us with a sense of our divine power. That power can literally change worlds.

And it does change worlds. Nothing else does, believe it or not.

Violence certainly doesn’t. It hasn’t ended wars. It has’t created peace. Communities aren’t free of it.

But your world can be free of it.

Embracing violence is beneath transgender people. It does no one any good. And it robs trans people of the love that inherently exists in them.

For if you’re contemplating violence, you’re not contemplating love, compassion and joy. Love compassion and joy alone makes violence go away. They’re my weapons of choice these days.

I suggest they be yours too.

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When trans exploitation isn’t

fullsizeoutput_20eaWe did a show recently about Rihanna’s statement about trans exploitation. It was taken out of context and reported that she would not hire transgender people as part of her cosmetic line’s marketing campaigns. She didn’t actually say that. But people in the trans community were quickly polarized by her comments. Some said her desire not to exploit trans people was spot on. Others, like the woman who wrote me personally about it, said Rihanna was a transphobic false ally like many other people in the world.

On IN YOUR FACE we talked about nuance of interpretation. How interpretation determines mind set and vice versa. Your perception of the world, in other words, is determined by your mindset. And, your mindset is ongoingly re-shaped by your perception. Since you can control your perceptions, you can consciously design your mindset.

However, most people live life unconsciously, focusing on nearly anything crossing their path, and allowing pretty much anything into their perceptions with little question as to whether those things are shaping the mindset they want to have or not. So, as one IN YOUR FACE audience member aptly put it: “Sometimes we focus on the negative out of habit”. So the question is, what is your habit?

There is no doubt in my mind transgender people are being exploited. The question is, is that exploitation harmful or not?

The woman who wrote me about Rihanna’s purported comments claimed I need to get better at “reading between the lines” so I could see what is really happening. What is really happening usually when people “read between the lines” is they are making up an interpretation of what they are perceiving, not actually reading between the lines. That interpretation is determining their mindset. So it should be no surprise that some people will see Rihanna as transphobic while other see her as an ally. Some people have trained themselves to see a mostly negative world, in which people are generally not very nice. Some see the opposite: a world where people are generally agreeable, happy and positive. And there are all kinds of shades in between. How you see the world is crucial, for it shapes your life experience.

Putting this in our language, the stories you tell yourself about life experience determines how you experience your reality. If you tell yourself the story that people are mostly transphobic, or that there are transphobic people in the world, then it’s easy to read a misleading story then conclude Rihanna is transphobic. Rather than, say, thinking critically about the article, doing some more research and thereby coming to an alternative interpretation. One that gives Rihanna more grace in the matter.

Same goes for how you see yourself. If you’ve been taught certain stories that make being trans-attracted a negative personality characteristic – one that is sinful, aberrant, gross, perverse, “gay” or whatever – those stories are going to shape your mindset of not only your world, but of you. So key to overcoming these stories is become aware of them, then create new ones that, over time, change the momentum of your self-perception and of the world. It’s not always easy…well it is…but it’s definitely worth doing. We talk about this in the show I referred to above as well. It’s really worth going back and watching if you haven’t.

There is no doubt in my mind transgender people are being exploited. The question is, is that exploitation harmful or not? I don’t think it is. In the end exploitation leads to more awareness and understanding that transgender people are human. Which by the way means they are capable of being exploited. Along with that realization comes something every human community can benefit from, particularly the trans community: compassion. Compassion for ourselves and compassion for others.

And maybe then, we in the trans community can extend a bit of compassion to those we think are transphobic. For even their transphobia promotes understanding and compassion for our transgender brothers, sisters, lovers and friends.

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When racism and transphobia look the same

racism-transphobiaIt’s an interesting question. This articlearticle takes a good, long look at that question. It begins with recounting the murder of a transwoman, so be forewarned…

The article’s main message is, you’re transphobic if you think a person who is trans needs to tell potential suitors that fact before they engage in a relationship. The argument goes that a person who is not attracted to transwomen will want to know ahead of time who they are getting involved with. Because if that person is transgender, there is a possibility the cis-person (or other variety of human) won’t choose to be with that person.

I guess the same argument could be made for being racist: if somehow black people could conceal their blackness, racists would want to know ahead of time whether the person they find themselves interested in is black, so they can check their interest.

Sounds dumb, right? I mean, in order for a person to want to be sure they aren’t interested in said black person is because they are somehow interested in them, right? Interestingly, we don’t have to worry about that because black people can’t conceal their blackness. Most anyway. As a result, people who make their partner choices based on skin color alone can merrily avoid all us niggers. lol.

Not so with transgender people apparently.

Which is the point, I think, of the article. Not that all transgender people conceal their trans ness…many actually do. Intentionally and unintentionally. But that’s not the point I’m making. I’m saying it’s quite possible that a person who is scared of being with a transgender person can easily find themselves attracted to a transgender person before discovering the person is indeed trans. I mean have you seen Dusty Rose? This of course has happened in many of the trans murder cases in recent years.

But being scared of a person because they are trans is an interesting thing.

The author puts it more plainly:

None of this means it is transphobic to not be attracted to individual trans people. Nor is it transphobic to not be attracted to specific genitals. But it is transphobic to claim to not be attracted to all trans, people. For example, there is a difference between saying you won’t go out with someone for having a penis and saying you won’t go out with someone because they’re trans.

It’s similar to someone saying they aren’t attracted to all black people. So is it a preference? Or is it phobia/racism?

Incidentally, many, many transwomen are racist if held to this same definition. Couldn’t a transwoman’s lack of interest in black men – because of their skin color – or some other aspect of their physical disposition, something they can’t help bing, be interpeted the same way?

You better believe it.

“Oh, but THAT’S a preference,” some will say….Not according to many,  many, many, many people. But not everyone. Some think it’s just prejudice. Others do think it’s a preference. So how is not wanting to be with a transwoman, even if a person is initially attracted to such a person, not a preference then? I think it depends on the story.

Dusty Rose
That’s Dusty Rose. And yes, she’s fine, period

After all, there are a LOT of black people, men too, who are loving, caring people. Just as there are probably similar such people among transwomen.

Here’s a great definition of racism: “people making negative assessments of large groups of individuals that they’ve never met, based solely on the color of their skin.” Replace “based solely on the color of their skin” with “based solely on their status outside the heteronormative binary”, and we start coming to some interesting parallels.

Suffice it to say this is an great example of why I wrote the post recently on why it’s so hard to be the “woke” police. Everyone has a picadillo or two. You’re bound to have yours exposed when you start exposing others. So it’s tough to call people racist or transphobic, especially in the grey areas. If a person is calling people racist slurs, or anti-trans slurs, or demeaning a person, or a group of people in either category on the basis of that alone, that’s one thing. But it gets really slippery when a person starts trying to parse out examples that could be just preference.

It’s far better – if you’re wanting to be happy – to leave all that shit to other people. It’s far better to create stories which create the best reality circumstances for your life and let other people live. If that means sometimes (in the early stages) meeting a dick, or a racist or a transphobe or two, so be it. In the end, those people won’t be able to find you….if you’re telling the right stories.

And you’ll live happily ever after.