Tag: Transgender

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How to disappear bigots, ignorance

What people say doesnt mean shitI do mean disappear. As in never having to deal with them ever. Ever.

A lot of transamorous men – those married to transwomen, those dating transwomen and those looking for them – are afraid of “what people will say or do” if they were to publicly acknowledge their love, desire and romantic and sexual attraction to transgender women. What these guys don’t realize is it is exactly that fear that creates situations where they experience instances of stupidity, ignorance and insecurity (incidentally, the same is true for transwomen who fear what others will say or do). Your fears are creating experiences in your life that match them.

A short primer on life, aka “reality”. Ever notice, guys, when you’re thinking about buying a new car and you have the model in mind, seemingly suddenly you start seeing this model car all over? Ever notice how sometimes, maybe not always, you’ll be thinking of someone and sometime later you’ll run into that person or that person will contact you in some way? Well, this is how life is.

People call these things “coincidence.” But they don’t mean what I’m about to describe. Coincidence is the co-located incidence of you and the thing you are most focusing on. Coincidence as most people think about it, is a random, uncontrollable and sometimes uninvited act. But that is not what is happening because nothing about your life is random or uncontrollable.

Your life is a product of what you think and how you feel. That’s it basically. Hard to accept, I know because I refused to accept it for a very long time.

So guess what? If you’re fearing what other people are going to say about you wanting to have sexual experiences with transwomen, if you’re worried about what your parents are going to say if you bring your transgender girlfriend home, guess what? They will! But if you don’t give a fuck, I mean, really don’t care – not in a defensive way with your lower lip all out – guess what? They won’t either.

My family, my coworkers even my wife are all testaments to this. No one in my life batted an eye when I told them. That includes the testosterone-ladened martial arts community I participated in (long enough to earn a 3rd degree black belt by the way). My wife, not being threatened or against my interest is all for my desires. And no, my life isn’t some kind of exception. Well, it is but only because I know my thoughts and focus are creating my experiences.

Let’s take it back to the days when I was insecure about my desires, when I was still in the Marines and worried about what people would think about my romantic interest in transwomen. Back then some of my fellow Marines harassed me for being gay and I didn’t even tell them anything (nor was I gay)! How did they know something was up? I was broadcasting that information from all my pores, or more accurately, through my thoughts, which are physical emanations we all exude.

You’re transmitting your thoughts too. All of them. The minute you start owning your natural normal desire for transwomen, your transmissions will change. When that happens, so will your life. I guarantee it.

And when that happens, all those people you feared would ridicule you for your desire will either change….or disappear from your life.

I can help you.

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We are all connected

IMG_3717Why do so many miss this obvious fact? Wait. Don’t answer. I already know. The question is: do you really know?

Beautiful case in point. This article tells Tracey “Africa” Norman’s remarkable story as the first transgender BLACK model. It’s a great read. The way Tracey tells it, she had a much less difficult life as a female presenting male than the stories I see and hear about. When she finally aligned her reality with what she knew inside, her intuition had her finding work among some of the most successful black models in the world.

That didn’t last. Once the industry found out – as was often the case – all doors closed. Still.  Late in the story we discover how trans black icons today only recently discovered Tracey. But here’s the point: one of these people’s lives,  Laverne Cox, includes this seemingly “bizarre” juxtaposition of events, which, really just are examples of how connected we all are in this world.

Tracey had modeled “multiple times” according to the article for Essence magazine right up until around the 80s. That’s when her secret got out.  Her secret got out just as she was shooting her first Essence cover. She never got the cover and except some modeling opportunities overseas, Tracey’s modeling career ended abruptly.

Fast forward to 2014. Laverne Cox on her first cover shoot for Essence is tearing up thinking about Tracey and the trail she blazed, seemingly specially for Cox.

“I was like, ‘Oh my god, I’m doing a cover shoot for Essence and this is the magazine that 40 years ago fired a trans woman when they found out she was trans.’” She chokes up. “It just means a lot to me that history can be rewritten.”

Back then when the modeling industry canned Tracey, she had a thought about what she was doing.  Rather than sue (she said in the article she didn’t have the presence of mind to even think of doing such a thing) she thought differently of events unfolding in her life:

“I’ve always said that the person that walks through the door first leaves the door cracked. There was a perception that a transgender woman couldn’t be passable and work in fashion magazines and land contracts. I proved that wrong. I left the door cracked for other [transgender people] to walk through.”

The door stayed open for 40 years before Cox stepped through.  Not just once.  Multiple times.

These kinds of events, these connections which span decades, are happening in your life every day. They happen every day.  Some are decades old. Some open the moment you need them. Why don’t you see them? Why is your life not charmed like Cox or some other person you know?

Comparisons are futile.

What’s important is the nature of your stories.  What stories are you telling yourself? Your stories are the access to events being organized on your behalf. You can tap in to them effortlessly, including that event where you naturally, effortlessly meet your ideal partner.

It’s not magic. It’s not miraculous. It’s just how the Universe works. Claim your share.

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Inspiration starts here

InspireI love it when momentum gets to the point where people begin recognizing what you’re doing. This week (it’s currently 3/20), I received a kind message. With permission from the author, I’m sharing it here:

Hi Perry,

As a feminine of center person still exploring their gender, I am very interested in what you have to say about improving the dynamics between cismen and transwomen who are interested in one another. I would like it very much if we can bring this out into the open so that the shame of conventional cismen does not translate into disrespect and violence towards transwomen.

But that aside, I feel this is only one specific segment that falls under the implication of transamoury. And I can’t help but notice the disparity between that and your decision to use name of “Transamoury Network.”  Don’t mistake me, I do think the focus you choose is the one most in need of improvement, for many of the reasons you describe elsewhere. And it makes sense to me that you focus on cis  trans, as transpeople *generally* have a better basis from which to relate to each other.

That aside, I think it would be appreciated by those transpeople in between the poles, non-binaries outside of the spectrum, and especially transmen (who are frequently forgotten altogether in these conversations) if material was generated to address their intimate relationships with cispeople. Nor should ciswomen be ignored, as they are equally capable of fetishizing the transgendered (couples seeking ‘passable transwoman’ for hook-up, I’m looking at you).

I know these are outside your experience and what you are able to speak to, nor would I expect/want you to make assumptions about them. But it seems entirely within the realm of possibility that you could invite other bloggers to participate and invite guests or occasional co-hosts who do participate in those dynamics.

Again, I think you are doing very positive work and I am not trying to attack you for having a particular focus. It is merely a concern of mine that the rest of the trans community is not leat behind. For all I know you may already be considering the suggestions I have made. I am new to this particular conversation and will try to investigate it further as I am able to.

All the best,
S.H.

What’s really cool is the Transamorous Network eventually will encompass all populations in the Trans community and beyond. S.H. gets it though: I need to start somewhere. Starting with something I’m most familiar with made sense.

With two transwomen who get what I’m offering so inspired they agreed to host the podcast, that alone is remarkable.  We’re inspiring every podcast guest too. Everyone is inspired. Even me.

I believe every transcommunity member came into the world to inspire.  I created the Transamorous Network to show everyone how inspiring they actually are. My co-hosts get it. My podcast guests are getting it.

Will you be next?

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Transamorous Men: Ten truths about us

 

Transamorous men youre not alone

There are a lot of us.

There are a lot of us in the closet.

The more of us who acknowledge to the world our love, the more of us will come out.

Transwomen suffer because a lot of us are in the closet.

We hold the key to ending a lot of suffering.

By being honest and open about who we are, we change society and the world.

We are awesomely unique.

We have a historical role to play.

We deserve to live in freedom and joy

We are men.

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Our Podcast is looking good

Shannon and REmy
Shannon Scott and Remy Ilmatar, co-hosts of the Transamorous Network Podcast

I’m excited this morning. I’m thinking about the first episode of The Transamorous Network’s Podcast, which we recorded last week. It was fascinating. Remy Ilmatar and Shannon Scott, my co-hosts and I were so in synch with our thoughts and ideas shared during the show. I’m eager to share it with everyone.

We’re going go get a few more episodes in the can though before we launch it. Still, I’m excited. Can you tell?

Remy is a dear friend I met while attending a trans function here in Portland. We hit it off, had tea, hit it off even more, then became friends. One thing lead to another and I asked if she’d be willing to help edit the Man’s Guide To Finding Your Transgender Partner. It’s funny, I asked five of my transgender friends to read it. She was the only one who completed it. I admire her for that follow through.

Anyway, not only did she do a great job on editing the work, the work had a transformational effect on her life, even though The Man’s Guide wasn’t written for transwomen (I’m working on The Transwoman’s Guide now). She talks a lot about this in our first Podcast Episode. It’s so cool.

So far, one of the best decisions I’ve made with Transamorous Network was to invite Remy as a (test) Co-host. Her views are a perfect complement for the show. Of course, her credibility as a transwoman is gold, so is her natural character, which is a “I take no shit from no one.” May I sum it up that way Remy?

Expect her to have colorful things to add to our upcoming interviews.

I met Shannon through a series of events, events which I describe in both guides. They were a seemingly “coincidental” string of introductions, activities and conversations which had us meet. Our meeting, over tea lasted three hours! Neither one of us wanted it to end, we connected that strongly. Shannon is launching her own motivational speaking company to help corporations become more sensitive to issues related to gender. I’m thrilled she’s doing that work because she’s a natural. She tells her story in this first episode too.

Together, Remy, Shannon and I riff off one another quite nicely. I’m excited to work with both to them as test co-hosts. I write “test” because at the moment, we only have one show in raw production. I don’t know how this will turn out. So far though, I’m smiling. I think  Remy and Shannon are too.

I don’t know why we didn’t get a threesome picture together. We talked about it. Somehow it just skipped all our minds. It’s ok, there’s plenty of time to grab that pic. I’m just excited these two cool women are willing to play. It’s going to be fun. How do I know that? Because it already is.