Tag: Trans-attraction

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10 questions for trans-attracted men about “passing”

Pass-ability
Remy (l) and yours truly discussing “pass-ability” on our Facebook show IN YOUR FACE.

[editor’s note: this article may be triggering for some transwomen]

Trans-attracted men and transgender women: “passing” brings with it, under its flabby underbelly, a host of stories deserving scrutiny. Remy and I talked about this recently on our Facebook Show IN YOUR FACE.

We know there are strong currents-of-thought driving both trans women and men, who are attracted to transwomen, to pursue “pass-ability” either as a way to soothe feelings of dysphoria (for the women) or to find that woman who you’re attracted to (for the men) who won’t embarrass you in public. And while we 100 percent support trans women seeking to soothe dysphoria, men who pursue “passable” women to soothe insecurity can benefit from self-examination.

For the women who are NOT suffering dysphoria, but pursue “passing” for social acceptance: Could there be yearning on your part to seek social approval as a way to soothe insecurities of being trans? If so, is it possible to create within yourself a self-referential sense of security, i.e. drawing a sense of security from your own self-image, rather than a self-image confirmed by society through “passing”? Something to consider there.

For the men: if your desire to be with a transwoman who “passes” stems from your own discomfort with being known as a “trans-attracted male”, that’s a story you’re going to have trouble with. For the women you attract, and the dynamics that may ensue will create a lot of drama for you and her. We spent a lot of time in our show  talking about this. It may be worth checking that out, then seriously ask yourself a few questions:

  1. Why am I wanting a “passable” transwoman?
  2. Is it possible for me to enjoy, along with my partner, the eventual unfolding of my partner’s developing feminine beauty as she pursues her transition?
  3. When I see a guy with a trans woman I recognize as trans, how do I feel about him? What is my emotional reaction?
  4. What would being seen with a “non-passable” transwoman say about me?
  5. What am I thinking society is thinking when I’m out with a trans woman who may or may not pass?
  6. What does being with a trans woman, who doesn’t pass, say about me?
  7. If I can see non-passable features of my girlfriend, can society? Does that matter?
  8. What would it take to date a girl in very early stages of transition? Am I willing to invest the time to grow with this girl as she grows into who she is?
  9. What is it about my girlfriend looking like a cis-girl that is important to me?
  10. Am I buying into society’s definition of gender “normalcy” by pursuing a “passable” trans woman, and if so, how is that disempowering me and limiting my choices in love and other areas, such as freedom of expression?

Answering these questions honestly for one’s self can produce illuminating information, information that could shed light on disempowering stories, thereby giving you opportunity to change them. And in the changing of your stories, you will discover new, unforeseen possibilities emerge in your relationship experiences as well as the rest of your life.

We covered a lot of this in our show. Take a listen.

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We are all doing great

Yes, you’re trans.IMG_1063

Yes, you’re a feminist

Yes, you may be pissed at cis-het-men.

Yes, you may be a cis-het-man

Yes, you may be hate chasers.

Yes, you may be in the chaser stage.

Yes, you my be afraid of the future.

Yes, you may fear for your safety.

Yes, you may love to feel loved.

Yes, you may have desires you feel you may never realize.

Yes, you may crave intimacy.

Yes, you may wonder if you’ll ever have that.

Yes, there are probably a thousand other things I could put down that would describe the fears, aspirations, desires, concerns, hopes and dreams you have. But above (mostly) all, you are human.

You’ll make what people call mistakes (they aren’t). You’ll get triggered, not by what people say or do, but by the stories you make up about what they say or do.

You’ll fail to realize that everyone around you is in the same boat: they’re human too. You’ll judge, thinking you have the moral high ground (no one does).

You’ll wish you had it differently, envying others’ station, while being oblivious to your own blessings and the power you have to change your circumstances, whenever you want, for the better.

You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. While perhaps never knowing what those emotions are about or what they’re telling you.

You will die.

Perhaps before that, you’ll achieve a peace and prosperity born of realizing just how profound a being you are.

And when you do, whether it happens before or after you shuffle off this mortal coil, you will find that all the while, you were doing fucking fantastic.

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Are transgender people meant to suffer?

sufferA speculation borne of personal experience, which is being verified as accurate in my own life experience.

As I wrote in the previous post about all those instances of mass suffering: is it random chance that people end up in these situations? If so, I could see how one could come to a conclusion like this:

“[the Universe is] a cold, uncaring place…[where our role is] to white knuckle my way through it, doing pointless things…until the day I die. At that point, if I’ve lived by my ideals, maybe God (or the universe) will give me some rest.”

Maybe this is the point transgender people (and others) come to shortly before committing suicide. I don’t know if transamorous men ever feel that level of despair, but we know many gay men have. And I would include them among us as “people born into potentially risky circumstances.”

But if the Universe is as nasty a place as that quote suggests, and there are many who believe it is, then the logical conclusion for some – the obviously rational and reasonable one – is to kill ones self. I mean if the person in question had no choice in the matter and  that choice was random and foisted upon them by some random-chance Universe, why can’t suicide be a logical response? I might consider the same option…

But that’s just shallow, lazy thinking.

Not the suicide part. I’m not here to judge such decisions. I’m talking about thoughts and conclusions which lead to beliefs that the universe is an uncaring, cold place.

I write that because there is literally overwhelming evidence to the contrary, including overwhelming evidence that every transgender person – and every transamorous one – came into the world clear of the decision to be such a person, with clear purposes for making that choice.

I explain how that could be, next week.

In short, transgender people and transamorous ones, aren’t meant to suffer. That they do is eminently logical when viewed from a particular perspective.

 

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Transgender: suffering is optional

Tolle**Trigger concepts in this post. If you’re easily triggered about certain transgender topics, you might want to read this post first.**

If you’re a transgender woman and you’re suffering some situation, or a transamorous man living a life of shame, lying to loved ones, including yourself, about who you are, it may be hard to hear that your suffering is optional.

As soon as you become aware of your origins and your choices, your options become literally infinite, including the option of bidding adieu to suffering.

How can that be?

It all lies in how we got here, why you’re transgender. Why I’m transamorous.

Here’s how science describes how cis people become cis:

“Embryos start to become male or female at about six to eight weeks. At that time, those with an active gene called SRY, most often found on the Y chromosome, starts to produce the male sex hormone, testosterone. Without the flood of the hormone, embryos remain female. With testosterone, masculinisation begins. It is the fork in the road that shapes a person’s anatomy and physiology, and potentially their behaviour.”

Notice that science presupposes no “existence condition” prior to the embryonic state. Science usually leaves that condition to religion or spirituality. Pity. Because that’s where things get really interesting.

(All of the following can be verified by you with a little focus and effort.)

There has to be (and there is) an existence condition prior to being formed as an embryo. Random chance of you being transgender or transamorous doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. It seems much more logical, from where I’m standing, that we set up the conditions which are our physical life, including how that embryo forms into who we ultimately, biologically, become. And we do this in this existence condition which precedes embryonic formation.

This doesn’t have to negate our freedom-to-choose if we freely choose our circumstances, prior to living them. I mean, isn’t that logical?

If in that existence condition before birth, we were free to set up whatever life circumstances we want, then it makes sense we also have freedom once we get here, bounded only by the circumstances we have set up, doesn’t it? And wouldn’t that freedom include being free of suffering?

By now your stories may be kicking into high gear. If you’re anti-judeo-christian, for example, you might have two story constellations, tightly related: Those stories making up “judeo-christian belief” – the Bible, what your parents told you, what church told you –  and all those stories you’ve made up about “belief” or “faith” that perhaps has you no longer believing in those religious stories.

I’m not saying the judeo-christian stories are right. An atheist or agnostic could be equally resisting what I’m writing here. Stories are stories. They are living things and defend themselves. Are your stories rising up right now to defend their territory (your life view)?

Can suffering be optional?

What I am saying is, you are more free than you think. Even if you are in a situation that seems so bleak, you couldn’t possibly have wanted to experience it, you can find yourself in a far better place, and from there, you can change those circumstances. For good.

Next time, I offer reasons why you might have wanted to come into the world as transgender and why I wanted to come into the world transamorous.

 

 

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Where does transgender come from?

Born this way but whyLet’s presume you’re a transperson, trans attracted person or a sympathizer or ‘ally’. Why on earth would you willingly choose to be born as something seen by the mainstream as such an affront that the chances of you being killed (in the case of a trans person) or at least ridiculed (in the other cases)?

Lady Gaga says we are all “born this way.”  Ok, but why?

Why were so many people born black in the slavery days, jews during the holocaust, or residents of Hiroshima or Nagasaki on those fateful days in WWII? How about the people born to live in Syria or Iraq? Why would someone be “born this way” only to become a murder victim?

Is it all random?

Really?

I don’t think so. And I don’t think science is going to be much help.

Science admittedly doesn’t know the answer to the question “where does transgender come from?” Hell, they’re still trying to figure out how “boys” and “girls” happen. And so long as it denies existence of a condition requiring no-time and no-space, I don’t think it’s gonna find it.

I believe “transgender” comes from the same place “transamorous” comes from: That no-time and no-space state we all come from. Religion calls this state “heaven”. I have had a long-running beef with this concept, but now I can see why religion calls it that (in various permutations). It is, indeed, a state of pure positivity, where all things are known and possible and All Things are eternal. But it’s not a white robes and harps kind of place.

How do I know? I’ll get to that.

Words come with so much baggage, it’s challenging to talk about our origins.  “Heaven” comes with so much baggage, it makes understanding where transgender and transamorous originate a sticky topic. Especially when, supposedly, the “boss” in heaven, according to some people, abhors what transpeople are.

So I prefer a less-loaded phrase such as “Infinite Intelligence”, “All That Is”, or “Source” to describe our origins. These words tend to come with less past meaning.

What if there were very good reasons for why people come into the world and face such seeming horrendous experiences. What if there were very good reasons why you came into the world as transgender or transamorous? That’s what I’m going to explore over the next series of short, pithy posts.

 

Stay tuned.