Tag: Trans-attraction

Posted on

2018: No better time to feel happy

Feeling happy feels good - photo Lesly Juarez
(Photo credit: Lesly Juarez)

There’s nothing better than feeling happy. Feeling happy is the start of all you want. It’s also the end of all you want: All you do you, do because you think you’ll feel better doing it. “Feel better” means getting closer and closer to feeling happy. So why not take the shortcut?

I recently conversed with a transamorous man who recently met a transwoman. He loves transwomen (obviously) but, while he is open to transwomen about his attraction, he’s not yet out to others. In other words, he’s not living an authentic, out-loud life.

I recently also had a conversation with a married transgender woman, a beautiful person from the EU. She just recently married and, to my surprise, the family of her husband (a cis man) doesn’t know she is transgender.

Now, I’ve spoken to so many transamorous men who are living their lives out loud, I am absolutely convinced there is power, joy and freedom in living transamorously, out loud. Gone is the fear. Gone is the stress. Got is the hiding. Gone is the drama.

And you know, what you fear being discovered is actually already known by others. They may not know the specifics. But they know. You think you’re hiding your attraction, but others pick up on your insecurity. Not only that, the women you find yourself attracted to also pick on it.

Sadly enough, when you’re living in the closet about your trans attraction, insecure about what others might think or say about you, you bring into your life perfect-match transwomen: transwomen who, like you, are equally as insecure. I guess that’s not so sad because you create your reality. Meaning, you can bring into your life dream-trans-women. But to do that, you first have to come to terms with yourself.

So if only for the reason of meeting better matches, it behooves you to learn to accept who and what you are and live your life out loud. It’s 2018 for goodness sakes! The world is in upheaval in the face of the transgender movement. Now is the perfect time to declare who you are.

And let the chips fall where they may.

Posted on

Why the recent trans murder is not relevant

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 17.40.51 PM
Christa Steele-Knudslien (Facebook)

We’re not sure the latest murder of a transwoman, the first of 2018, should be considered a hate crime and thus included among the epidemic of murders over the last few years.

Instead, we see it as domestic violence. For the spouse of this locally famous transwoman murdered her, not in a fit of shameful hate-filled rage that accompanies a true hate crime, but instead in a fit of out-of-mindness, similar to any other crime of passion.

We’re not taking anything away from the tragedy, or from the fact that another transwoman was murdered. What we are saying is circumstances surrounding this one seem to be quite a departure from recent trends.

According to police (as reported in the New York Post), her husband, Mark Steele-Knudslien, pleaded not guilty to murder after admitting hitting her with a hammer and stabbing her after an argument. Not a hate crime. A case of domestic violence. Admitted.

Sad, but not something out of the ordinary:  women are murdered by men in similar contexts far too often. Transwomen are women. So it shouldn’t be a surprise something like this happened.

We are eager for the day when it is a surprise. For as we said, it happens far too often. But this tragic incident should not be included among the real travesties of justice.

 

Posted on

10 questions for trans-attracted men about “passing”

Pass-ability
Remy (l) and yours truly discussing “pass-ability” on our Facebook show IN YOUR FACE.

[editor’s note: this article may be triggering for some transwomen]

Trans-attracted men and transgender women: “passing” brings with it, under its flabby underbelly, a host of stories deserving scrutiny. Remy and I talked about this recently on our Facebook Show IN YOUR FACE.

We know there are strong currents-of-thought driving both trans women and men, who are attracted to transwomen, to pursue “pass-ability” either as a way to soothe feelings of dysphoria (for the women) or to find that woman who you’re attracted to (for the men) who won’t embarrass you in public. And while we 100 percent support trans women seeking to soothe dysphoria, men who pursue “passable” women to soothe insecurity can benefit from self-examination.

For the women who are NOT suffering dysphoria, but pursue “passing” for social acceptance: Could there be yearning on your part to seek social approval as a way to soothe insecurities of being trans? If so, is it possible to create within yourself a self-referential sense of security, i.e. drawing a sense of security from your own self-image, rather than a self-image confirmed by society through “passing”? Something to consider there.

For the men: if your desire to be with a transwoman who “passes” stems from your own discomfort with being known as a “trans-attracted male”, that’s a story you’re going to have trouble with. For the women you attract, and the dynamics that may ensue will create a lot of drama for you and her. We spent a lot of time in our show  talking about this. It may be worth checking that out, then seriously ask yourself a few questions:

  1. Why am I wanting a “passable” transwoman?
  2. Is it possible for me to enjoy, along with my partner, the eventual unfolding of my partner’s developing feminine beauty as she pursues her transition?
  3. When I see a guy with a trans woman I recognize as trans, how do I feel about him? What is my emotional reaction?
  4. What would being seen with a “non-passable” transwoman say about me?
  5. What am I thinking society is thinking when I’m out with a trans woman who may or may not pass?
  6. What does being with a trans woman, who doesn’t pass, say about me?
  7. If I can see non-passable features of my girlfriend, can society? Does that matter?
  8. What would it take to date a girl in very early stages of transition? Am I willing to invest the time to grow with this girl as she grows into who she is?
  9. What is it about my girlfriend looking like a cis-girl that is important to me?
  10. Am I buying into society’s definition of gender “normalcy” by pursuing a “passable” trans woman, and if so, how is that disempowering me and limiting my choices in love and other areas, such as freedom of expression?

Answering these questions honestly for one’s self can produce illuminating information, information that could shed light on disempowering stories, thereby giving you opportunity to change them. And in the changing of your stories, you will discover new, unforeseen possibilities emerge in your relationship experiences as well as the rest of your life.

We covered a lot of this in our show. Take a listen.

Posted on

We are all doing great

Yes, you’re trans.IMG_1063

Yes, you’re a feminist

Yes, you may be pissed at cis-het-men.

Yes, you may be a cis-het-man

Yes, you may be hate chasers.

Yes, you may be in the chaser stage.

Yes, you my be afraid of the future.

Yes, you may fear for your safety.

Yes, you may love to feel loved.

Yes, you may have desires you feel you may never realize.

Yes, you may crave intimacy.

Yes, you may wonder if you’ll ever have that.

Yes, there are probably a thousand other things I could put down that would describe the fears, aspirations, desires, concerns, hopes and dreams you have. But above (mostly) all, you are human.

You’ll make what people call mistakes (they aren’t). You’ll get triggered, not by what people say or do, but by the stories you make up about what they say or do.

You’ll fail to realize that everyone around you is in the same boat: they’re human too. You’ll judge, thinking you have the moral high ground (no one does).

You’ll wish you had it differently, envying others’ station, while being oblivious to your own blessings and the power you have to change your circumstances, whenever you want, for the better.

You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. While perhaps never knowing what those emotions are about or what they’re telling you.

You will die.

Perhaps before that, you’ll achieve a peace and prosperity born of realizing just how profound a being you are.

And when you do, whether it happens before or after you shuffle off this mortal coil, you will find that all the while, you were doing fucking fantastic.

Posted on

Are transgender people meant to suffer?

sufferA speculation borne of personal experience, which is being verified as accurate in my own life experience.

As I wrote in the previous post about all those instances of mass suffering: is it random chance that people end up in these situations? If so, I could see how one could come to a conclusion like this:

“[the Universe is] a cold, uncaring place…[where our role is] to white knuckle my way through it, doing pointless things…until the day I die. At that point, if I’ve lived by my ideals, maybe God (or the universe) will give me some rest.”

Maybe this is the point transgender people (and others) come to shortly before committing suicide. I don’t know if transamorous men ever feel that level of despair, but we know many gay men have. And I would include them among us as “people born into potentially risky circumstances.”

But if the Universe is as nasty a place as that quote suggests, and there are many who believe it is, then the logical conclusion for some – the obviously rational and reasonable one – is to kill ones self. I mean if the person in question had no choice in the matter and  that choice was random and foisted upon them by some random-chance Universe, why can’t suicide be a logical response? I might consider the same option…

But that’s just shallow, lazy thinking.

Not the suicide part. I’m not here to judge such decisions. I’m talking about thoughts and conclusions which lead to beliefs that the universe is an uncaring, cold place.

I write that because there is literally overwhelming evidence to the contrary, including overwhelming evidence that every transgender person – and every transamorous one – came into the world clear of the decision to be such a person, with clear purposes for making that choice.

I explain how that could be, next week.

In short, transgender people and transamorous ones, aren’t meant to suffer. That they do is eminently logical when viewed from a particular perspective.