TL;DR: The author shares their enthusiasm for the revelation that a prominent Republican is a “Chaser”. They then describe how this is a positive sign, a sign that things are improving for transgender people.
Back in February I wrote a post about how conservative populations include some of the most trans-attracted people despite that population’s anti-trans rhetoric. It was a story I enjoyed writing, mainly because evidence supporting the story was so compelling. I also wrote about how blatant hypocrisy among conservative transphobes was, in fact, fueling momentum for the “future inclusion of trans people”.
Now, this past week, life served a perfect example of that hypocrisy…on steroids.
Last week, CNN outed prominent republican and Trump darling Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson as a hypocrite, a self-proclaimed “Black Nazi” and more. But what really made him news to this blog is that the story reveals extensive evidence of Robinson being an avid trans-porn consumer, making him a trans-attracted, queer. In other words…his own words… “a perv…”
His history is clear
Now, trans-attraction isn’t a bad thing. There are probably hundreds of thousands of men who are trans-attracted. I write about this all the time on this blog from a positive perspective. I’ve even defined an evolutionary process trans-attracted men move through as they come to accept what they are.
Robinson is at the “chaser” stage of this process. He had been unwilling to admit his attraction publicly. Now that the news is out against his will, he’s denying it vehemently. That makes sense. Robinson vilifies trans people and gay people as part of his far right political platform. The record is clear on Robinson’s thoughts about trans and gay people.
Indeed, his hypocrisy contributes to what I described in my post back in February. It:
“…creates a lot of unnecessary nail-biting and hand wringing. It also creates a lot of wasted time and expense. Not to mention anxiety and self-loathing among those I love. After all, unless one is positively focused, loving oneself is really hard in today’s society. Especially when swaths of the population hate what you are…”
“…supports the unseemly double-standard Republicans hold when it comes to trans people: they secretly love what they publicly hate.”
This anecdotal, yet factual evidence from Robinson’s past adds to the body of evidence showing that a lot of conservatives are also trans-attracted or even queer themselves. Even while they attack people in our community.
With Robinson’s outing, his political career might be losing steam. For now, the GOP-er refuses to embrace his past. How could he? It already might be career-ending. Trump, for example, already delisted him from his next presidential rally according to news reports.
The world is getting better
As ugly as his views are, we can see this news from an empowering, positive perspective. One is we once again have our suspicions confirmed: many of those trying to restrict trans freedoms are, in fact, trans-attracted and may themselves be trans or at least queer. Second, we can see much of their rhetoric reflects a strong momentum of self-denial and even self-loathing. I mean, come on! A black man supporting a return to the days of slavery????
So these people are acting out of a profound lack of self-acceptance. That’s worthy of our compassion. Not anger.
Third, there are people out in the world working to make trans lives freer, safer and more prosperous. Some of those people don’t know consciously that that’s what they’re doing. But they do the work anyway. Thank goodness too for the internet archive, which, apparently CNN used to verify much of what they found about Robinson.
The world is getting better for trans people. I’ve written this so many times. Revelations about Robinson strike nerves for sure. But they also add to the many examples showing trans-phobes for what they actually are. Often they’re legitimate chasers, so consumed in self-hate that they project their hate onto the very people they secretly love.
The more of these stories come out, the better life gets for trans people. The more stories about trans people that get made, the better life gets for trans people. And as more men come out proudly loving trans women, the better the world gets too. So much is happening making the world better for trans women.
So let’s thank Robinson. He’s not doing it consciously. But as his past acts catch up with him and hopefully ruin his career, they’re also making the world better.
TL;DR: The author asserts that “truths” people hold limit human potential. The author then defines “truth” and offers a path for trans and trans-attracted people that uses truth to create joyful lives.
“The truth of being trans….serves no one”: That’s a provocative headline. It’s not click bait though. Instead, it is a representation of what underlies all human experience. Transgender and trans-attracted people both put too much stock in what is “true”. And putting stock there is why so many of my trans and trans-attracted community members suffer.
For example, it’s “true” that what other people think of you matters. That statement is true for nearly every human, not just trans and trans-attracted folks. But that statement, while true, also causes a lot of suffering. Especially for people who come into the world expressly intending to march to the beat of their own drum. And here’s the thing: every trans and trans-attracted person comes into the world to march to the beat of their own drum! That’s why they’re trans and trans-attracted, among other things.
But if we believe other people’s opinion of us matters, and we’re not expressing ourselves in ways others accept, then we’re in trouble. We feel bad about ourselves. We second guess who we are. Worry becomes our go-to emotion. Eventually fear of being found out dominates us. Then our whole life feels shitty no matter how much better the world is becoming for us.
Today, let’s look at “truth”, unpack it, understand it and therefore find libration, joy and freedom from it. Every trans and trans-attracted person who reads this has the ability to free themselves from all their fear, worry and suffering. But to do so they must first find liberation from “truth”.
Let’s dive in.
How I know this is for real
For those people new to my writings, I’m queer and trans-attracted and a person of color. Over the last ten years or more I’ve found the liberation I described above. I’ve helped a lot of people find that too, including trans and trans-attracted people. So I know what I’m talking about and I have the results to prove it.
The most powerful results, however, are those we create for ourselves. Words cannot express how powerful our own results are in convincing us this “you create your reality” business is real. A new client’s experience shows this.
This client is a Chief Technology Officer of a major multinational manufacturer. As you can guess, he’s serious, realistic, believes in science and, therefore, is not at all into “woo”. He reminds me of many trans women who claim what I offer is “circular logic” and “ new age mumbo jumbo”. Like them, he was ignorant about what I offered.
His wife, however, is into “woo” and became a client almost a year ago. Since then, changes in her way of being were so profound, the husband/CTO thought she had joined a cult. So he went to the source – me – to get some answers.
What he learned in that one call was enough for him to become a client. Once I answered his questions, which showed beyond doubt that what I offer is not a cult, he had to acknowledge evidence his wife is producing was impressive. So much so he wanted his version of her results.
A startling, life-changing experience
Thirty weeks after that call, the CTO had what he called a “startling” experience. Someone poking him on the shoulder one night roused him from sleep. But when he woke, no one was there. He looked around the darkened room and saw no one (he and his wife sleep in separate rooms). So he went back to sleep.
Before drifting off, however, he heard, in his words, “as clear as if someone were right beside [him]” a woman say “Jerry, wake up!”. He sat bolt upright in his bed, turned on the lights and walked the entire second floor of his home. He knew it wasn’t his wife calling because, he said, the voice was not hers.
Eventually he did return to sleep. But the whole experience unnerved him. He had never had such an experience before. Yet it was so real, he said. Of course, it absolutely was real. A real “occult” experience.
Today, this client is as committed to this practice as his wife. In part because of this “occult” experience, but also because, in the 30 weeks since he started, he’s produced a tremendous amount of more prosaic, practical evidence proving this “you create your reality” business works.
So if you say this is “new age mumbo jumbo”, and you haven’t tested it yourself, under the tutelage of someone who knows what they’re doing, then you literally have NO IDEA what you’re talking about.
Which brings me right back to the point of this story.
I’m literally writing this post at a local park…at 9:38 am on a Thursday. I can do this because I know this “You create your reality” business works. It has enabled me to create income without a job. Where’s your evidence proving it doesn’t work? Oh, right. You don’t have any.
Truth: it’s enslavement, not freedom
The “truth” will not set you free, as the saying claims. Instead, if you align to a “truth” that doesn’t serve you, then “truth” will enslave you.
That’s right. There are many truths, not just one. There are as many truths as there are points of consciousness, making “truth” as diverse as the rest of All That Is.
Every trans woman who feels the world is against them experiences the enslavement I described above. So do all the trans women complaining about all the anti-trans legislation being drafted. Every trans-attracted man who is afraid to live their trans attraction out loud is also, equally, enslaved. Both parties are enslaved to nearly the same truth, generalized by the statement “What other people think about me is important”.
Like actual enslavement, getting out of truth’s enslavement isn’t easy. But it’s so worth doing! In doing so one literally can choose ANY truth. After all, ALL TRUTHS ENSLAVE. So it makes sense to pick ones whose enslavement serves us.
To better understand this, let’s look closely at what “truth” actually is. We’ll do that in the next section.
It starts with vibration
So what is truth?
Let’s use physics to figure that out. We’re not going to use science’s version of physics though. That will tell us nothing. Instead, let’s use the physics of spirituality.
I know, some readers will balk at this. But the problem is, science is based on the “truth” that an objective physical reality exists separate from us and therefore objectively observable by us, which is why science itself is enslaved, like many humans, in the bogus truth limiting all science seeks to understand. So let’s instead use the unlimited nature of spiritual physics, which is based on how the Universe actually works.
All “truth” begins as an idea. An idea is a thought. All thought is vibration. This should be obvious to everyone, so I won’t spend a lot of words trying to flesh that out. If you want to flesh it out, let’s do so in the comments.
What differentiates a thought that is “true” from one that is something other than that is the amount of attention points of consciousness give to the thought. Points of consciousness, of course, include more than human consciousness, but let’s just focus on the human type for now. Human consciousness is purposefully very powerful. It’s also the source of nearly all our truths. Including many, many limiting ones.
The more attention we give to any thought, the more “true” it will become. That’s because giving attention to a thought adds manifesting momentum that thought. That thought, plus the momentum, carries that thought into further forward manifestation, until that manifestation becomes observably physical. When that happens, humans call that thought “true”.
So that’s how “truths” become so. And when truths become so, they impose limits on what’s possible. But only for those believing the truth.
A 4-minute mile? Impossible!
For example. Prior to 1954 very few humans thought it possible to run a mile in less than four minutes, even though many had done it “unofficially”. By “unofficially”, I mean the cis-white-het hegemony wouldn’t acknowledge those who had done it before, including a Pawnee called Big Hawk Chief who did so as early as 1876.
Indeed, one bastion of the cis-het world, The Harvard Business Review, tells the story of the 4-minute-mile “barrier” as a daunting limit…until it was surpassed, “for the first time” by white guy Roger Bannister in 1954. Indeed, the author describes how “experts” thought they knew the “truth”. Their collective opinions — their attention on the “truth” that the 4-minute mile threshold was indeed insurmountable — said that truth could only be breached under the right circumstances (another truth), circumstances prescribed by the very same experts:
“The experts believed they knew the precise conditions under which the mark would fall. It would have to be in perfect weather — 68 degrees and no wind. On a particular kind of track — hard, dry clay — and in front of a huge, boisterous crowd urging the runner on to his best-ever performance.”
Never mind that Big Hawk Chief had none of that. Nor did several others claimed to have ran faster miles before. Even Bannister’s accomplishment happened in conditions other than those experts prescribed.
The point is, “truth” is literally in the eye of the consciousness thinking the thought. And the more attention brought to that thought, the more true…and limiting…that truth will be.
“Truths” establish limits within which we live.
Pick truths that serve
And once that “truth” becomes true or physical, it’s exceedingly hard for those believing it to accept another idea. Thus the enslavement.
For example, so freaking many trans women hold to the “truth” that men who express attraction to them are “chasers”. No amount of evidence will change their minds. Including the suffering they experience when quite legit men make their romantic intentions known.
The reason why when that happens, the trans women recoil, is because the trans women experience such intentions through the filters of their truths. Now, a constellation of truths are active at any given moment on any subject. So in addition to the “chaser” “truth” alive in their awareness, “I’m not worthy of a man’s love” is alive as well. So is “I don’t accept myself as trans” or “I don’t accept [whatever aspect of my transness they don’t accept]”.
It’s never one set of beliefs, in other words, driving people’s “truths”. Usually, it’s several. And “experts”, including science and religious “experts”, are behind many of the most bogus truths. Bogus truths such as chromosomes determine gender (they don’t) and “god made man and woman” (nope). For anti-trans folks, these “truths” enslave them. And from that suffering, they cause a lot of suffering for others. But only those who allow themselves to be enslaved by those people’s truths.
Which brings me to you, dear trans-attracted or transgender reader. What truth we allow to enslave us will either feel like bondage or liberation. For we can’t be free of truth.
That’s the paradox. We can only choose truths that make us free. That serve us, in other words.
Abraham laying it out plain.
Feeling bad is a sign
That sounds like circular logic, but many statements in the realm of spiritual physics sound that way because that’s how All That Is is. All That Is is self-referential!
You are a point of consciousness, here to express your unique perspective and in doing so create more of All That Is. You do it through creating truths: you attract vibrations resonant with what you are. Those vibrations become thoughts to you, which, when you put your attention/focus on them, you cause those thoughts to turn into things, i.e. physical reality.
For example, your body is your most intimate creation. That you created it as a blend of male and female was purposeful. Same with trans-attracted people. You created that unique perspective on purpose. That body didn’t just come from “nowhere”. It didn’t come from your parents. It wasn’t a mistake. You were not born in the wrong body. You create it.
But if/when we accept other people’s opinions, which are their truths, not ours, then we become enslaved in those opinions. We know when that happens because when it does we always feel bad. That’s because we’re not here to enslave ourselves to others’ opinions, we’re here to create our own reality, one aligned with our truths. And in doing that, paradoxically, we give room for others to do the same. And when they take that room, the world and All That Is expands.
So suffering and struggle and worry and such are purposeful. They show us where we’re doing something we shouldn’t be doing. Something that doesn’t serve us. What we should do when that suffering happens, is look at what truth we’ve aligned with and give it up…in favor of our own.
How we do that is a subject I write about every week.
We not different
Now, I get how hard this can be. After all, we’re all needing money. We need housing, medical care. We all live in a nation of laws. But, believe it or not, all of that meta stuff is subject to our truths!
I’m queer and trans-attracted and a POC. I live in a nation of laws. Like you I require certain things. But all those things come to me with ease now. And I don’t experience a single act of discrimination, hatred or resistance, other than an occasional cranky trans woman disputing what I write about.
I’m no different from you. IOW, you can create for yourself your version of what I enjoy. It’s not easy, at first, but you CAN do it.
If you ask me, it’s a way better life. And it’s a life that is in your best interest. Because when you create it, all your interests will be served with no effort on your part.
That’s because All That Is wants you to live your truths. That’s why when you live others’ truths you suffer. Suffering doesn’t have to feel like actual physical pain. It can feel like anxiety, depression, fear, insecurity and even anger or rage. None of those emotions feel good.
But appreciation, empowerment, hopefulness, joy and happiness do feel good. Very good. And when a person realizes and aligns with their truths, not others’, especially other people’s truths about being trans or trans-attracted, then their life reflects all those positive emotions and then some. Their life also includes everything that person wants.
TL;DR: The author suggests that trans people face a momentous point in US history, a crossroads where they may experience joy, or terror. They suggest then that it’s more important than ever that such people remain as positive as possible in their thoughts and beliefs. They assert that one person can change the shape of history when that person aligns with positive energy. So they urge trans and trans-attracted people to align themselves with their positive desires at this important time.
We’re coming to an important moment in the United States. Some say it’s a battle between good and evil. It’s not that, but it is important to know what’s happening. And it’s important to know how to get what we want.
This is especially so for trans and trans-attracted people. That’s because whatever happens in November will either fill such people with joy…or with terror.
As this moment looms therefore, empowerment and joy are critical. That’s because those two emotions tell us we’re lined up with what we’re wanting. Empowerment and joy, consistently held, will allow us to experience only that which we’re wanting.
Which explains why those not in empowerment and joy experience more of what they’re NOT wanting. This is often the case with my brothers and sisters in the trans community. Republicans aren’t the only ones focusing mostly on what they don’t want. Some of us are doing it too. So it’s no surprise the Right is getting so much attention.
But the change happening is happening, not because of those who focus on what they don’t want. It’s happening because of those small numbers focused on what they do want.
Let’s look more at what I mean.
Retribution is off track
The numbers of those focused on what they do want are small. That doesn’t matter though, because it only takes one. But when more are aligned together, nothing can stop their influence.
That explains why republicans must resort to all kinds of negative attacks and dirty tricks. There’s no power in negativity because there’s no Source of that. Just as there’s no Source of evil. Evil and negativity come from squeezing off the flow of pure positivity we all are. When a person does that, they first feel negative emotion. That’s what emotions are for: to help us navigate vibrational reality. And all physical reality is vibrational.
If they don’t get the emotional clue though, they’ll “manifest” evidence showing them where they’re going. They’ll experience events in reality consistent with their negative thought, belief and emotion. When they focus long on those thoughts, beliefs and emotions, thereby doubling down on them, they amplify their focus. So they experience even more evidence consistent with their focus.
It only takes one person tuned in to the power of All That Is to shape the course of history. But more than one all aligned are unstoppable.
That includes drawing to them people reflecting back to them who they’re being vibrationally. Which explains why so many people are rallying around Trump. It’s not that Trump and his legion are evil. It’s that they all resonate with one another. They resonate in a strong stream of disconnection. And almost all of them feel anger, fear, insecurity and disempowerment. No wonder they revel in the idea of retribution. Retribution is a sign one is really off track from their positive Source.
Many trans women have this going on around the belief “chasers”. Why are so many trans women meeting such men? The same reason why Trump has so many sycophants surrounding him. They tell that story repeatedly. So they experience that reality…repeatedly.
Stay out of that
And, as trans women complain about chasers, many democrats are complaining about what they don’t want too. But not to the degree republicans are. That’s partly why the shift that happened earlier this summer happened. It helps that people like me focused that shift into our experience.
Which brings me to the point of this story. We can all have everything we want. Including our choice for who sits in the White House. But to have that, we must line up with the Source from which such events unfold. If we’re wanting our presidential hopeful in the White House, but we’re predominantly focused on the “evil” of the other side, and the other side is aligning with what they want, and have a powerful, positive representation of that, we’re not going to get what we want.
So this election cycle, it’s important to push everyone else out of our equations. Let people have their opinions and ideas. Let them attack others and let’s stay out of that.
By tuning other people out of your experience and letting them have theirs everything you want happens seemingly effortlessly. Including getting the president you want.
These days, I’m pruning my social media feeds. I once thought it important to have a balanced representation of ideas in my social media. But now I get how important my focus is. And I get how important my vibration is. My vibration literally is the source of my reality-experience. I want that experience to reflect the best of what I desire. So that means focusing even more purely. Especially in the times we’re in.
Are you a match?
The real question is: what is it you want and what are you vibrating from? Do those two things match? I’m discovering that as good as my focus has been, it can get better. So I’m focusing even more on what I’m wanting, so that what I’m vibrating from and what I want are a match.
So far, I think I’m doing great. The specifics of my life, which are late-stage indicators of my vibrational focus, are constantly improving. Life is getting better and better. The same is true for my clients lives.
But most important, I feel that joy and empowerment; the early-stage indicators that I’m on track to everything I want.
Life is getting better for us all. Can you see it? Are your desires and what you’re vibrating from a match? I can say, without a doubt; hell yes!
TL;DR: The author shares a commenter expressing dismay about how trans attraction is depicted in the Netflix series “Baby Reindeer”. The author then uses that comment to show how the trope that trans-attracted people are sexual abuse victims represents shallow thinking on the part of those expressing such views.
Back in May I gushed about the Netflix Limited Series “Baby Reindeer”. My focus, obviously, wasn’t on the main plot, but the sub plot; that being the main character “Donny’s” trans-attraction. I gushed about it because I thought the entire series did a great job describing how shame and self-loathing can create a truly, sucky life.
Which is exactly what Donny lived.
While writing that series of posts, I received an interesting comment from a trans-attracted guy. The comment made a point I hadn’t considered. I hadn’t considered it because I don’t believe the point the writer made about trans attraction or about the show. So the point went right over my head.
I’m glad then, that the commenter made the point. It’s worth taking a closer look at it.
So let’s take a look at what he wrote, then unpack what he’s saying.
The comment
Reading between the lines of his comment, it’s clear the writer isn’t ashamed of his trans attraction. Not only that, it seems he’s out about it. That’s great. So here’s what he had to say. I’ve added some clarifications [in brackets] for reasons that will be obvious:
I was baffled at first that people kept asking me if I’d seen Baby Reindeer – I’ve never seen *any* must-see TV shows. Then I realised there was this cis-trans relationship subplot. People I know wanted to know how I felt about that because they know of my own orientation and dating experience…
I thought [transgender actress] Nava Mau’s performance was fantastic and [her character] “Teri” was probably the only likable and relatable person in the show tbh. But I did feel that the show let her down in plot terms. No exposition at all for *why* the main character decided to go on a trans dating site. In an ideal world, sure, it would be unremarkable, but in the real world, it’s obviously not something everyone *just does*. And in that absence of explanation it felt uncomfortably like we were supposed to see it as some kind of sexual trauma response to his previous experiences as revealed in ep. 3. When, after their split, he hardly seemed to give her another thought, that seemed to reinforce that she was almost just a plot device to show him going through stages of trauma and self-questioning.
Given that it’s based on a true story, of course, that may just be a reflection of this individual’s reality. And yes, that reality may reflect a wider reality of a lot of cis man/trans woman relationships. But I guess I’m just disappointed that the plotline in that regard always seems to be one of trauma, hangups, internalised shame, etc. That’s not at all my experience in my own relationship, and I’d like for once to see that portrayed!
So as representation goes, yes, Teri was a triumph, but as a portrayal of a relationship between a trans woman and a trans-attracted man I felt it was a lot less positive.
Shallow thinking creates condemnation
I really like this guy’s perspective. And, he’s right. I believe a trend exists in the minds of people that trans attraction is a response to some unsavory past. Often, that past includes sexual “trauma”. And while that may be true for some, I don’t think that’s true for the majority of trans-attracted men.
The commenter, clearly, hasn’t had that experience. As well, most of the men I’ve worked with also don’t have sexual “trauma” they’re responding to. Many of them did experience an event which surfaced what may have previously been unconscious orientation behavior. But sexual abuse “trauma” doesn’t create trans attraction in people.
Take me, for example. I didn’t realize my trans-attraction until a girlfriend in Japan took me to a bar that featured trans go-go dancers. That doesn’t qualify as sexual trauma or abuse. But it did open my eyes to an aspect of who I was.
One could say the trope that trans-attracted men trans attracted because of past sexual abuse parallels the idea that trans women are just “men in a dress”. Like the latter, the former offers no introspection or analysis. Nor does it reveal any effort on the part of the speaker to understand trans attraction, nor the men (and women) who orient that way sexually. Such comments don’t point to a truth. They just represent shallow thinking on the part of the person expressing them.
Which is why they’re worthy of us ignoring them.
Another trope needing examination
Trans-attraction is just as valid as any other sexual orientation. For transgender people, it is an important orientation. That’s because such people represent perfect matches for trans people. And because of that, trans people can find love they desire.
I’ve written before about how every sock finds its shoe. The way the Universe works, no aspect of being goes unmatched. There always exists someone to match someone who wants to match with someone.
Now, some people do exist for which no match exists. Such people eventually discover they are happier without relationships. I’ve known women who, after dating men and women, for example, discover their best relationship is with themselves.
That’s a great realization to come to. But it often comes after trial and error. Because all of us are conditioned so strongly to have a relationship. Otherwise something is wrong with us. And that’s another expression that’s gone without much examination.
A lot more happiness would exist if people didn’t try fitting themselves into the box the peanut gallery prescribes. That goes for trans people, trans-attracted people and everyone else.
Stories DO create reality though
All that said, I did have a client who believed part of his experience in desiring trans women came from what HE considered to be sexual trauma involving a relative. After looking at what happened over several months, however, we discovered a couple things about that experience. One, such sexual experimentation between relatives is very common. It’s not sexual abuse. And two, his role in it was far less offensive than he was making it.
In other words, his stories about what happened shaped his judgments about what happened. They also shaped his self-judgement. A self-judgement so harsh he contemplated suicide many times.
These days, however, this client is becoming more and more free of his negative stories. As a result he’s finding himself more comfortable accepting who he is, what he likes, and what happened in the past.
And that’s the point of all of this. Our stories create our realities. That’s why it’s so important looking at the stories we have. Looking at them we change those that create experiences we don’t like. Every experience we don’t like comes as a result of beliefs we hold. That means any experience we don’t like we have the power to change.
I think Donny, the main character in Baby Reindeer showed us this. By changing his stories he came to embrace who he was. The result not only transformed his life, it also produced a sensational hit streaming show.
Read my series on that show here: Post one, post two, three and four.
TL:DR: The author asserts that vulnerability isn’t key to relationships as many mental health and relationship experts claim. Rather, it’s actually a problem, the author says, especially for trans and trans-attracted people. They then explain why it’s better to focus on one’s thoughts and beliefs in order to create better relationships. In doing so, people get everything they want: better relationships and freedom from fear that comes with trying to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability. Mental health and relationship “experts” claim it’s something special. They say it’s something we all should practice in order to thrive in relationship. But trans and trans-attracted people know being vulnerable is hard, scary and not very fun. After all, who wants to be seen as something other than what the mainstream tells is us ok?
Indeed the very act of being trans or trans-attracted demands a level of vulnerability most people needn’t face. It can literally be a life or death decision. But is vulnerability really the key to happiness, relationship success and more? Or is something afoot here that can disempower trans and trans-attracted people?
In this post, let’s explore why vulnerability is a myth and how dispelling the myth can help us live more joyfully. Along the way we may just also discover the key to everything else we want.
Why experts vaunt vulnerability
Vulnerability is both feared and praised. We fear it because it implies possible rejection. As said before, it also can lead to terrifying consequences. Then again, society praises it because we’re told to. Being vulnerable can also feel good because we’re putting ourselves out there honestly. And doing that can feel good. For most though, it’s usually terrifying. So much so, people won’t do it. Especially trans and trans-attracted people. Which explains why so many trans women want to pass and trans-attracted men live on the DL.
But what is “vulnerability” exactly? The definition doesn’t seem to imply something praise-worthy:
So it would seem, based on the definition, that being vulnerable is a bad thing. So why do experts vaunt it so much? One source suggests being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm, increases intimacy and trust. Not being vulnerable, it says, can lead to emotional distance, disconnection and resentment.
It would seem being vulnerable then is essential to good relationships. But is that really the case?
Rejection inherent in vulnerability
The trouble with saying it improves relationships is that being vulnerable usually requires a quid-pro-quo situation. I would suggest everyone would be vulnerable in a relationship….if their partner were equally vulnerable. That’s the trouble. No one really wants to subject themselves to physical or emotional attack. It seems extremely logical to me, then, that no one wants to be vulnerable in a relationship either. Which explains why people aren’t.
But there’s something about this vulnerability thing that runs afoul of what’s really happening in physical reality. It’s that being vulnerable is based on something that isn’t happening in reality at all. Well, it IS happening. But only because people believe it’s happening. And that belief is what perpetuates fear associated with being vulnerable.
In other words, the potential consequences of vulnerability is what keeps people from being vulnerable in the first place. Replace the word “vulnerable” with a different word, however, and the whole calculus changes.
What word do we suggest? How about authenticity.
That’s right. If instead of thinking about being vulnerable, we think of being authentic, then we go a long way to easing fear that comes with being vulnerable. The problem remains however, with the essence of what both words conjure: the risk of being harmed. And in most relationship cases, that “harm” looks like “rejection.” Although for trans people and some trans-attracted men, it can be much more than that.
Still, let’s unpack this some more.
Our thoughts make it so
In order to be vulnerable, a condition must first exist. That condition is risk. In other words, the person considering being vulnerable or authentic must first believe there is something they may be rejected over. Rejection can feel bad, but a reframing of the story we tell when “rejection” is experienced can cause that bad feeling to turn into appreciation.
What if, for example, someone rejects us because we share something intimate about us? Does that mean anything? What does it mean about us? It means nothing really. We shared authentically. That person chose something else. In this situation, both parties are better off. We’re free to connect with someone who accepts us. The other party is free now to connect with someone they connect with.
Where’s the harm in that? But when we think the rejection means something about us, then we feel bad.
Now trans and trans-attracted people face a much more complicated situation. Especially trans people. That’s because they have other – legitimate – fears of actual physical harm. Those fears must also be resolved. Those fears come from valid beliefs for sure. But replacing those beliefs with other equally valid ones can be liberating.
We can see, then, it’s what we think about being vulnerable that makes it scary. We think being that way brings risk. The belief isn’t false. But better feeling beliefs aren’t either. And those better feeling beliefs can change our experience.
Our thoughts make everything. Including the need to be, and the fear of being, vulnerable.
Preferring rejection
Being vulnerable means having to take a risk. Hardly anyone wants to take risks. But if there is no risk in being authentic, if instead there’s everything to gain, I would say many more people would be that way.
Again, the problem is the thoughts people have about rejection and what they think that means.
Vulnerability then, isn’t the problem. Making it into a venerated way of being is. Because doing so makes it seem doing something we’re scared to do is something worth doing. It’s not. Instead, it’s better to develop a new set of beliefs around being so that acting authentic is preferable to not acting that way.
That’s easy to do. And it’s not scary. When we do it, the vaunted idea of being vulnerable becomes meaningless. And when that happens, we’re free; free to be who we are. Whether people take that or leave that is up to them. It’s not our problem.
So there’s nothing special about being vulnerable. And, with a little tweaking of our thoughts, we can eliminate that concept from our minds, thereby freeing us to be. Now let’s turn up the woo a bit and see what we find.
Some would rather have this happen than be vulnerable. But there’s a better approach to vulnerability. (Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash)
Finding power in changed belief
Believing vulnerability is a thing presupposes there’s something that can happen to us that’s beyond our control. Usually, that something is bad. For trans people, that includes violence.
But, nothing can happen to us that is beyond our control. We invite everything that happens to us through our thoughts and beliefs. I get that’s hard for a trans person, for many people, actually, to believe. But that doesn’t make the assertion false.
If it’s true, we can see how vulnerability would be a problem. That’s because it presupposes risk. Belief that there’s risk is a belief. That belief will create reality consistent with it. That explains why so many fear being vulnerable. And rightly so. It also explains why it feels scary.
Rejection is similar. There are many thoughts and beliefs around “rejection”. Those thoughts and beliefs, like those behind “vulnerability”, create reality consistent with them. That’s why hardly anyone wants to feel rejected.
Change those beliefs though and the experience changes. This explains why very successful sales people, for example, don’t experience “no” as rejection. They think different thoughts and beliefs around the word “no”. This also proves it’s possible to change our beliefs around things like “vulnerability” and “rejection”. Doing so makes one much more powerful.
Beliefs matter…a lot
So if we invite our experience through our thoughts and beliefs about them, that means something important. It means that being vulnerable isn’t the key to anything. Instead, our thoughts and beliefs are. Indeed, thoughts and beliefs are everything. They literally create the world around us.
The better beliefs we hold, the better our life gets. My clients are discovering this. The more they change their beliefs to positive, empowering ones, the better their lives get. My experience is similar. The more I’ve changed how I think and what I believe, the more my life has improved. So much so, hardly anything “bad” happens to me. And those “bad” things that do happen are so insignificant, I don’t consider them “bad”. They just are.
In a short while, a person can create an ideal life, what I call the Charmed Life. This is true for relationships too. We don’t need to experience risk in relationship. But getting there requires something: not being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a problem. Instead, what’s needed is a new way of thinking and believing. One that invites only good. Including good relationships, ones matching what we’re wanting.
For trans and trans-attracted people such outcomes don’t come over night. A lot of old disempowering beliefs must first be soothed before evidence of improvement really starts showing itself.
But the more true we are to who we are, the better realities we create, including relationships. So changing our beliefs is worth it. It literally will provide us everything we want.
