TL;DR: This post compares two clients—Cliff and Justin—to explore the real meaning of trans-attraction. Through their stories, the author reveals key vibrational differences and offers support for men ready to find clarity.
In a recent post, I introduced two men — Romero and Cliff — who believed they were trans-attracted. But closer exploration revealed something else. Romero was simply trying to find a better label than “gay.” Cliff, while deeply in love with his wife, found himself “curious.”
Both used trans experiences to better understand themselves — but neither fit the profile of a truly trans-attracted man. This week, I want to introduce someone who does. I’ll call him “Justin”. His story draws a clear line between trans-attraction and everything else.
When Curiosity Isn’t Curiosity—It’s Clarity
Justin came to me in the midst of a painful divorce. It wasn’t his first. In fact, he described a long trail of relationships—all with cis women—all ending in emotional wreckage.
From the outside, you might think Justin had “bad luck.” But like every client I’ve ever worked with, Justin wasn’t unlucky. He was vibrationally unaware. He carried unacknowledged beliefs about himself, women, relationships, and life. Beliefs he picked up during childhood. Beliefs that haunted him. And those beliefs made him a poor match for the kind of love he was idealizing.
Because yes—Justin is a romantic. He wants love. He believes in long-term relationships. But belief in romance alone won’t get you one. You have to be vibrationally aligned to receive that kind of experience.
Justin wasn’t. At least, not yet.
From Numbing to Awakening
Like many men going through a breakup, Justin turned to porn. In his case, trans porn. But trans content wasn’t new to him. He had been drawn to it—compulsively—since he was a teen. This time, though, it led somewhere different. It didn’t numb him. It woke him up.
That’s when he found The Transamorous Network. From our first conversation, it was clear: Justin wasn’t just “curious.” He wasn’t trying to reframe a kink and wasn’t escaping a label. He wasn’t using trans women to test something else. He was, in fact, done with cis women. He was done pretending he could go back. That’s because he felt a deep, soulful pull toward trans women — to the exclusion of cis women.
That’s the hallmark of real trans-attraction.
Sure, Justin still finds cis women attractive. But when he pictures a future partner, it’s always a trans woman. No contest. No confusion. And no toggling back and forth.
Cliff, on the other hand, still feels most connected to his wife. And that’s ok. His trans experiences opened curiosity — but not clarity. That’s the difference between trans attraction…and something else.
Why Justin’s Current Relationship Still Might Not Work
Like many men in the early stages of discovering their trans-attraction, Justin entered what I call the “tranny chaser” phase. It’s a real, early-stage experience. The attraction is so strong it becomes manic. Men in this phase often flood themselves with porn, escorts, and fantasies — believing it’s finally the love they’ve been missing. But more often than not, it’s another loop. A vibrational replay of the very same stories that haunted them in cis relationships — just now, with different bodies.
Justin is currently involved with a trans escort I’ll call Marge. She lives in Mexico. She’s beautiful. And she’s expensive. She’s also a perfect vibrational match for where Justin currently stands.
Marge struggles with substance abuse. Justin once did too. Marge avoids emotional transparency. Justin still wrestles with that. Marge is sexually compulsive. Justin knows that dance intimately. This relationship, like all relationships, is a mirror. A mirror that’s purposeful.
They’re together to show what each needs to see in themselves. That’s the point.
He Wants Romance. He’s Getting Reflection.
Justin believes he’s in love. He thinks this might be “the one.” And maybe, it could be. But only if he’s willing to do the real work. He must stop trying to “get” a trans woman… And start owning who he is, vibrationally. In that way he’ll clean up his stories and stabilize his momentum. In that way he’ll become a match to the kind of love he actually wants.
Until then, his relationships will keep showing him… himself.
You might see yourself in Justin. Maybe you’ve been married to a cis woman, and it’s not working. Maybe you’ve tried to suppress your attraction to trans women. Or maybe you’ve been binging porn or seeing escorts… and wondering what that says about you.
Or maybe you’re more like Cliff: Curious, unsure. Hoping, perhaps, to explore — but not ready to leave the life you have. Both paths are valid. But they’re not the same. And you owe it to yourself to find out where you really stand.
If you see yourself in Justin or Cliff — or somewhere in between — let’s talk. You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to guess what it means. And you don’t have to keep spinning in a loop. Book a free private consultation with me. Clarity is the first step toward freedom.
A man cheated on his wife. He came to me this week seeking help with his “trans-attraction.” The thing is—this guy isn’t trans-attracted. Sure, he’s in a powerful place of self-discovery. But he’s grasping for any definition that makes his desires okay. That’s because the definitions that come automatically to him are intolerable.
Those definitions tell him he’s gay. After all, any guy who likes taking it up the ass must be gay, right?
Never mind that all kinds of evidence—including the actual definition of gay—reveals that being gay has nothing to do with specific sexual acts. Gay means being “sexually or romantically attracted to members of one’s own sex.” Note: that definition has NOTHING to do with anal play.
In fact, many straight men enjoy anal stimulation. That’s why “pegging” is a thing. (Pegging, by the way, is when a WOMAN uses a strap-on to penetrate a man’s anus to provide him erotic pleasure.) So this man—let’s call him Romero—cheated on his wife because the dominant stories he held about his sexual proclivities told him he was gay.
And that’s also why he struggles with the label “trans-attracted.”
He Gave Her No Chance
Not being able to accept that he’s gay, Romero tried to find a better story: “I’m trans-attracted.” The problem is, he’s not. How do I know? Because he doesn’t find trans women attractive in a romantic sense. His brief experiences with trans escorts and prostitutes reveal the real reason he sought out such encounters: He wanted to take his ass-play to the next level—and didn’t think his wife would be okay with that.
In fact, he hadn’t told his wife—of over 20 years—about this important part of his sexuality. Why? For the same reason: shame and fear. That and a pile of inherited beliefs that negatively judged what he likes. Here’s the twist: when he did tell her, as part of admitting he cheated…She wasn’t bothered by the fact that he enjoys anal play. She was bothered that he didn’t give her a chance. A chance perhaps to be part of it. Maybe a chance to hear him. Perhaps a chance to respond before he decided to go outside the marriage.
Guys, some of you out there are on the down-low with trans women. But you’re not actually trans-attracted. I’ve met two men like this: Romero, and another I’ll call Cliff.
Let’s look briefly at Cliff’s story. I’ll share more about him in a future post.
Problem Marriages
Cliff loves his wife and has no real interest in trans women the way a truly trans-attracted man would. In other words, he doesn’t find them irresistible—as a step above cis women. Cliff falls somewhere between Romero’s experience and the experience of real trans-attracted men. A past sexual experience opened a curiosity in him—so now he’s exploring.
But he still wants to stay with his wife and kids. Because of this, I told him he’s likely on what I’d describe as a spectrum of trans-attraction. There’s a flicker of interest, but his love for his wife remains strong—and isn’t deeply threatened by his curiosity.
What matters most for both Cliff and Romero isn’t who they’re doing what with. It’s why they’re doing it. In both cases, like many marriages, there’s an opportunity for growth. A chance to explore deeper, richer experiences of what it means to love another. But fear, secrecy, and years of inauthentic relating have created a dynamic where authenticity doesn’t feel safe. That’s the problem.
It’s All About What You Believe
Romero, bless his heart—and Cliff—both believe they are something they’re not. And in the midst of that distortion, both damaged their marriages. But the wives aren’t off the hook.
This is a co-creation.
These women must look at how they’ve been being—especially around their husbands. They must unpack the beliefs inside their own belief constellations helping create both husbands who didn’t feel safe being who they really are and marriages that aren’t strong enough to handle each person’s expansion.
If you’re in a marriage where trans-attraction (or confusion around it) is present, talking with me could really help. Get in touch.
Over the last several weeks, I’ve noticed something significant happening through The Transamorous Network. I’ve been receiving more calls and messages than usual — husbands, wives, girlfriends, even boyfriends all expressing concern, confusion, or sometimes outright panic about one very specific subject: trans-attraction.
These aren’t isolated incidents. In fact, in the past month alone, I’ve spoken with multiple married couples and men who are struggling with this phenomenon, often in secrecy, often in pain. Just this week, I received a message from a gay man who discovered his partner of 11 years stopped having sex with him, because the partner has been reaching out to transgender women.
That’s new. I thought gay men would never be attracted to trans women because trans women aren’t men. They definitely don’t present as men. And, the vast majority of them don’t perform in bed as men. I’m planning a story around this specific situation. It deserves more exploration.
Anyways, the volume of these conversations has increased steadily over the last dozen weeks, with three men scheduling free one-on-ones and another skipping the free consult entirely, saying:
“Working with you, for me, is important. There’s no place else I can talk about and get good information about what’s happening with me.”
That’s a ringing endorsement, especially for a subject—transamory—I briefly put on hiatus late last year.
My Journey with trans-attraction
For more than 12 years, I’ve been helping men understand themselves and embrace what it means to be transamorous. It sparked the beginning of my 1:1 practice which now comprises far more folks other than trans-attracted men and trans women. I started working with trans-attracted men based on my own direct, personal experience. I am myself trans-attracted. So I know exactly what it feels like to carry that attraction in a world that doesn’t understand it.
Many men equate being trans-attracted with being gay. That misunderstanding creates shame, embarrassment, and fear inside such men. It also creates confusion in marriages, particularly in wives, when they discover their man pursuing trans women on the down low.
But being trans-attracted is not the same as being gay. Transgender women aren’t men. They live a unique truth, presenting as female, and often overcoming enormous struggles simply to live authentically. I find that struggle, that unique truth, creates really attractive people. That’s the basis for why I assert trans-attraction is the flip-side of, the complement to, being transgender.
Lonely and self-loathing
Trans women want love. Trans-attracted men come to offer it. But first, both sides must accept who they are. Especially, trans women must accept themselves. Otherwise they will reject affection trans-attracted men offer them. After all, trans women who loathe what they are can’t bear being in the presence of a man who loves them AS they are.
Gay men are attracted to men. Trans-attracted men are not. So what gives with the gay man above showing interest in trans women? I can only surmise that they are changing in their orientation. That’s not so strange. After all, much of what humans are is subject to expansion. Subject to change, in other words.
Meanwhile, because society rarely talks openly about trans-attraction, people — cisgender women, trans women, and trans-attracted men themselves — often conflate trans-attraction with homosexuality. Trans women are some of the worst offenders, going much farther than that. Again, self-loathing trans women possess often gets projected, by the trans women, onto men who are here to love them authentically.
This leaves trans-attracted men with even fewer outlets to learn about themselves and eventually embrace what they are. Embrace what they are So that they then can fully embrace the women they are here to love authentically.
All this confusion and revulsion leaves men who contact me with few safe places to explore what they’re feeling. It’s no wonder such men often end up married to cis women.
The Transamorous Network exists to change that.
The early signs both spouses saw
One thing I’ve discovered in my work is that most men know they’re trans-attracted long before they get married. They see the signs in their own fantasies, their porn choices, their private thoughts — but they often suppress or dismiss those indicators. They do that because of what you just read.
Many hope marriage will “erase” the attraction. It never does.
Trans-attraction is not a phase or a quirk; it’s an inherent part of who these men are, just as being gay is an inherent part of a gay man’s identity.
Interestingly, many of the women who marry these men also have a sense — often subtle, sometimes unarticulated — that something is different about their partner. Their Broader Perspective whispers clues. They may not identify what they sense as “trans-attraction”, but they feel an intuitive nudge that something about their man is “off.”
This explains, I think, why many women I dated before embracing my trans attraction never stuck with me. I had an experience recently confirming this. A woman expressed interest in me one day. My interest was as friends only. She asked for my number. I hoped she would call so I could set the record straight on my orientation.
But she never called.
A week later, I saw her again. She apologized for not calling. After asking why, she told me she changed her mind but didn’t know why. When I told her I’m trans-attracted and explained what that meant, she said “ah…I knew it was something. I just couldn’t pin it down.”
So ladies: you knew. The key is tapping into your knowing before you get married.
Why more people are talking about it now
Too often, both men and women ignore those early signals. They marry anyway. Years later, the truth emerges, usually through secrecy, affairs, or breakdown. I’m glad my two marriages ended for other reasons. I’m also happy I don’t find myself in situations some of the men who contact me present.
Part of the reason I’m seeing an increase in outreach is search visibility. My site, The Transamorous Network, now ranks highly for searches about trans-attraction, transamory, and what to do if your man is attracted to trans women. This means more men and women are finding me when they go looking for answers.
But it’s not just SEO. We’re in a cultural moment where more men are acknowledging their authentic desires, and more women are discovering those desires don’t match traditional ideals of love and marriage. Society is slowly starting to discuss trans issues more openly. Witness several recent movies on the subject including Baby Reindeer. This visibility encourages both men and women to seek out resources like mine.
And while some marriages can survive trans-attraction, in most cases, they do so at great cost. Why? Because when a man denies his authentic attraction, that denial always seeks an outlet. And those outlets can be destructive:
Cheating and Affairs: Secret relationships with transgender women, often discovered only after betrayal.
Porn Addiction: Men numbing themselves with endless hours of porn centered on transgender women, while hiding it from their wives.
Risky Coping Behaviors: Gambling, drug use, or compulsive trips to strip clubs.
Escorts and Prostitutes: A common outlet, but one that brings not only financial strain but also exposure to STDs.
Divorce and Broken Families: Years of investment—children, houses, careers—undone when the truth finally forces its way out.
The Path Forward: Authenticity
These aren’t moral judgments. They are simply patterns I’ve seen over and over again in my work with men. When we reject who we really are, we create friction. That friction demands release, and it usually shows up in painful ways.
The good news is this: being transamorous is not a curse. It’s not shameful. It’s simply one way authentic attraction shows up in humanity. When men embrace it—rather than deny it—they can create loving, respectful, transparent relationships that work for everyone involved.
And when women see their partner’s trans-attraction clearly, they have the opportunity to make empowered choices—whether that means continuing the relationship with full awareness, and growing deeper in love and respect for their partner, no matter what future shape the marriage takes, or stepping into something that honors their own truth.
The only real danger comes from hiding, lying, or pretending. Or getting angry, feeling betrayed and panicking over what others might think about you. That’s when marriages crumble, families fracture, and addictions take over.
I believe part of why so many people reach out to me is that The Transamorous Network remains one of the very few places offering an in-depth, compassionate, and nonjudgmental perspective on this subject. There are support groups for trans women, and for LGBTQ people broadly. But there are very few resources specifically for men who are trans-attracted—and for the women in their lives. That’s the gap I fill apparently.
Call to Action
If you’re a man struggling with your attraction to transgender women—or if you’re a woman who suspects your partner may be trans-attracted—you don’t have to face it alone.
I’ve helped men move from shame to self-acceptance. I’ve helped women clear distortions — feelings of betrayal, blaming themselves for what’s happening, feeling rage — so that they move from confusion to clarity and then back to love for their spouses. On occasion, I also helped couples navigate the hard but honest conversations that lead to authentic choices.
If you’re ready to stop hiding, stop hurting, and start living authentically, I invite you to reach out. Schedule a free one-on-one with me, or, if you already know this work is vital to you, book a session today.
TL;DR: Two clients reveal how our stories shape reality. Their contrasting experiences show that alignment, not effort, creates desired outcomes—and that even contrast serves expansion on the path to joy.This is a post originally published on our Positively Focused blog
Two clients this week proved how powerful our stories are. Both clients are trans-attracted. Both are advanced clients.
The delicate dance between the two clients illustrates how our stories create reality. But they also show how deeply connected all of us are to each other. Further, what happened this week proves how each of us acts as both contrast AND as angels for one another, with both contrast and our angel-hood benefitting everyone involved.
I’ll clear up what I mean in a moment. When I’m done you’ll see the perfect co-creation of what happened between me, the two clients and their experiences.
To really understand what happened, though, let’s revisit what trans attraction is.
What is trans attraction?
Trans attraction is a classification of people who are attracted to transgender people. Typically, this attraction is exclusive. Much like homosexuals and lesbians, trans-attracted people tend to not find cisgender women or men attractive as potential relationship partners. They can appreciate beauty expressed in cisgender people, but their trans-attraction makes it challenging for trans-attracted people to enjoy relationships with such people.
That’s because they’re not here to do that. They’re here to enjoy leading-edge human experiences: expressing something other than heterosexuality. What’s more, such people, particularly trans-attracted men, are here to represent the completion or the fulfillment of what trans women desire: love and relationship.
The trouble with trans-attraction for most such men, however, is that it’s so not the norm. Almost always, trans-attracted men conclude their trans attraction means they’re gay. This is not the case.
But society’s dominant momentum on sexuality and gender, generally, and anything not conforming to the gender binary specifically, causes these men great discomfort. And the more value they place on others’ opinions over their own, the more such men struggle with an identity that is valid, wholesome and right, but against mainstream society’s grain.
So trans-attracted men are those who are strongly pulled to be in relationship with transgender women. The two clients in this story fit that classification perfectly.
There’s always more to expand into
Both men also struggled mightily with their stories about their self worth as trans-attracted men. One, who I’ll call Chris, struggled partly because, as a former Christian, his belief system told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was going to hell. The other, who I’ll call Seth, happens to be Jewish. He’s not concerned about hell.
But what caused Seth’s massive struggle were stories he created conflating a sexual exploration he had with his younger brother when he was nine, his discovery that he was trans attracted not much later, and his culture, which really, really puts a lot of weight on what others think.
Both men came to me wanting relief from these struggles. Both men have been clients about the same time. And, both men have made great progress in finding freedom to be who they authentically are.
As a result, both are living out loud their trans attraction. That’s a good thing. As with all expansion, however, there’s always more to expand into. And this is why I’m writing this. Because both men’s expansion came together in such an instructive and delightful way.
The set-up
Both Chris and Seth once believed it impossible to meet trans women who weren’t escorts or gold-diggers. They also believed it impossible to meet trans women who would be happy using their…uh…male appendages.
Ok, important note: many trans women are NOT happy doing that. But every desire we have is to be fulfilled. So if a man wants a trans woman who will be happy doing that, the Universe will fulfill that. That explains why there actually are trans women more than willing to use their male parts. And they’re not all escorts or gold-diggers either. Which brings me to what happened to set this experience up.
Seth has soothed his negative beliefs so much that, recently, he moved out of the Northeast and down to Austin. That’s a far more liberal location compared to where he came from. Austin enjoys a robust LGBTQ community. That’s despite being in Texas.
Still, it surprised Seth how easily he met trans women. And not just trans women, really pretty trans women! Old beliefs kept him doing things not necessarily in his best interest, however. Things like going to strip clubs and hiring escorts. But each time that happened, the outcome showed him why leaning in the direction of his trans attraction was better.
Reflecting beliefs to be soothed
Enough disappointment came from those encounters so that Seth gave up following through on such impulses. In doing so, he eventually started meeting higher quality trans women while just being himself, feeling good and putting himself out in the world.
That’s how I suggest everyone “find love”. But that’s another story.
Chris, for what it’s worth, isn’t at that point in his expansion. He still thinks trans women are hard to find. Particularly good looking ones. And, he doesn’t believe he’ll meet one by just “putting himself out there”. Because of those beliefs, he does what many people do who struggle finding a partner: he dates online.
Meanwhile, the really pretty girl Seth recently met is the kind of girl Chris thinks is rare. She’s trans, of course, and majoring in Math in college. Long story short, Seth and this girl ended up “sword fighting”, then in an open relationship: she has a boyfriend. But that boyfriend relationship rests on shaky ground. So she’s exploring her options. Seth is a great option!
Stepping stones
Meanwhile, Chris recently found several trans women online, some of which were more than willing to meet his specific desires. But in short order, these girls showed Chris exactly why I don’t recommend online dating. Oh, they were perfect matches. But not the people Chris could settle with.
Indeed, these women brought behaviors and characteristics reflecting beliefs Chris needs to clean up in himself so that he can attract better matches.
This explains why I call relationships stepping stones. A big plus of relationships is they reflect back to us our beliefs so we can do something about them and thereby find a more permanent happiness. Chris knew that. And he has cleaned up many beliefs. But some still persist. Like the one keeping him dating online.
Ok, back to Seth.
Deep shit
Seth’s relationship is doing the same thing Chris’ is. The same process holds for every relationship, and, every situation…all of reality actually. Life experience is a reflection. It reflects back to us what our dominant vibration is. The difference between Seth’s and Chris’ vibration is, Seth is meeting women more naturally. That’s because he believes that’s possible. So his experience is more delightful than Chris’. Chris is still trying to “make it happen” through a particular kind of doing: dating online.
That’s no fun.
Chris is still learning to let go. He still experiences impatience in his process, which explains why he’s working so hard at dating. It also explains why Chris ended up in what most people would call “deep shit.”
What happened was he shared full-body nudes with a trans woman online. His Broader Perspective warned him this particular person was not who Chris thought she was. Chris acknowledged this after the fact, after the “woman” turned out to be a scammer. A scammer who used that photo to try to blackmail Chris.
Long story story short, Chris ended up paying a security firm $5,000 to track and apprehend the scammer, who, wouldn’t you know it, lived in Nigeria.
The “gorgeous” trans woman
The good news is Chris didn’t amplify his troubles by focusing on them and lamenting or feeling regret. Rather, he did exactly what the I recommend: he found humor in the whole experience. He also acknowledged, as I said, warnings his Broader Perspective used to catch his attention. After this experience, I strongly encouraged him to stop dating online, but, because of his stories, he said he probably wouldn’t stop for a while.
I could tell though that I made an impression. The impression I made had him ready for the next step in this story. For that, we have to go back to Seth.
Exactly one day after my session with Chris, Seth texted me. The moment I read it, I knew a three-way manifestation was happening. A manifestation that included me, Chris and Seth. The night before, the text said, Seth met a “gorgeous” trans woman, got her number and planned to meet her later in the week.
Here’s how he described it:
And when I asked how that happened, I knew it would be a perfect story, an example for Chris showing how his life could go. Here’s what Seth texted:
The Charmed Life
After I shared this conversation with Chris, Chris said he appreciated it. I could tell though that he’s still somewhat stuck in his own belief momentum. He just can’t believe strongly enough that a situation like Seth’s can happen to him. How do I know? He’s still dating online.
Most clients, even in the advanced practice, wobble a bit in their conviction. I do too sometimes. It’s par for the course. After all, we’re human. Our physical reality often feels so “true”. So true it can be very, very hard to believe in a reality that, to our human eyes, doesn’t exist. Especially when our existing physical reality is so present, so now and contains something we don’t want.
But that’s the prescription for getting everything we do want.
We must look where what we want is. That often requires looking into nonphysical, seeing the vibrational version of our desire then holding that focus long enough. Long enough for our physical reality to reflect that focus back to us in the form of physical reality.
That’s simple to say. It’s not easy though. That’s why the practice is the practice. And, since we’re all eternal, it’s a practice we can master, but only for that moment of mastery. For, again, we’re always expanding. Which means we’re always expanding into areas demanding ever-increasing levels of mastery.
The good news is, we can enjoy that never-ending practice. It’s in that enjoyment that we discover the Charmed Life.
TL;DR: To my surprise, The Transamorous Network remains relevant as trans-attracted men and their partners continue reaching out in search of understanding. Addressing shame, scarcity, and authenticity, this post offers guidance to a cis-woman who is married to a DL trans-attracted man on navigating her husband’s cheating.
Alright. I thought I was finished writing posts for this blog. While cleaning up the back-end, however, I noticed several messages people sent me that I hadn’t received. That was my bad that I missed these messages. I hadn’t correctly set up my contact form. So the messages weren’t forwarded to my inbox.
The majority of these messages were from trans-attracted men questioning themselves AND, no surprise, wives of trans-attracted men. The latter group wrote to me expressing various reactions to discovering their men’s interests. And all of them asked my feedback.
So, it seems, there’s still an interest in The Transamorous Network.
I also got an interesting response through the feedback form I wasn’t expecting. That I’ll share at the end of this post.
Suffice it to say, I’ll keep this site up because, judging from these past comments, people are still looking for information on what it means to be trans-attracted, what it means to be transamorous and what to do when they find out their spouses are one of those two.
The Transamorous Network remains a great resource for those people IOW.
I probably won’t write every week, but I will continue posting from time to time. For now, I want to share one request I got through the contact form because it speaks to many of the others I got. Then I’ll share that other comment I mentioned.
Here we go!
Another cheating trans-attracted husband
The person writing is married. She caught her husband cheating with a trans woman. No surprise there. Many trans-attracted men don’t realize their trans-attraction until after marrying a cis-woman. I’ll spare a further preamble and get to what she wrote:
Hi, I am not good at writing so please forgive me. I just recently found out my husband has been sleeping with [trans] women, I believe he has an attraction towards trans women. He did tell me about one of his encounters and I am just very curious. I am not judging him, if that’s what he likes then that’s ok. The thing for me is the cheating in general, I understand feeling scared, nervous and ashamed. The thing for me is the lying and not giving me the opportunity to make my owns decisions. Even though he has an attraction , I really don’t think I want to be with someone who cheats in general. I also told him I am ok with whatever decision he chooses but he can’t seem to let me go in this process . We have two beautiful boys together and I just want everyone to be happy! Thank you for letting me share, any insight would be helpful. Thanks again, “Melody” [I changed her name to protect her privacy].
This is quite a common story. Many trans-attracted men also have a scarcity problem on the subject of the availability of trans women. Trans women have the same thing going on about men, which is often why they compromise and end up with women. Both parties believe they won’t be able to find a partner aligned with their desires.
He’s clinging hard
The problem with that is, if we believe that the kind of person we want is rare, that’s what we’re going to experience. And so, in this case, the guy is clinging hard to his current relationship. He just can’t see the very real possibility that he can find a trans woman who will, actually, fit him better than his wife.
To keep this short, here’s how I responded. Perhaps another woman in the same boat as “Melody” can benefit from it.
If your husband is sleeping with trans women, he for sure he is attracted to them. It’s a good sign you’re not judging him for that. And, it’s a really good sign that you’re recognizing that lying is not something you should stand for about ANYTHING in a marriage.
I really appreciate that you understand he is likely struggling and so he’s scared and shamed about what he’s feeling. I would wonder, however, if I were in your shoes, what is it about your marriage, or you, or him or all of those, that has him unwilling to be authentic about who/what he is. That’s something to really explore, not because it’s your fault, but because growth opportunities exist for both of you in that exploration. So it would be good for him to look at that too.
Now, as for the cheating specifically. You sound like a smart person. So I’m sure you can understand that the cheating itself isn’t the problem. It’s the motivation for cheating that is the problem. This goes back to what I wrote in the paragraph above.
Like, what is it about him that has him not being authentic about who he is?
Certainly whatever that is also plays a role in him not being able to let you go, especially if his attraction is strong, and for most trans-attracted men, that attraction is VERY strong and something that will likely not go away. He must, therefore, follow through on his attraction and fulfill what’s in store there.
I’m glad to hear you’ll be ok if he chooses that path. I would suggest your best role here is to support him in choosing that path. Your children would be way better off with him choosing this, you will be too and, of course so will he. I can explain in more detail about why your children will be better off if you’re interested.
Suffering is needless
If you’re experiencing difficulties in your marriage because you suspect your spouse is cheating with trans women, or watching trans porn, and you’d like some empowerment around the experience, feel free to contact me. I’ve figured out the contact form, so I’ll respond much faster than I have in the past.
If you’re a guy with a question about your interest in trans women, you can reach out too. Many men like you, like the guy in this marriage, are suffering needlessly. Shame tells you you’re putting others’ opinions above your own. That’s a recipe for problems. Let’s fix that.
Finally, here’s another message I got I want to share. It comes from a trans woman who has followed The Transamorous Network for some time. She lives in Thailand, I believe. When I stopped writing for this blog, I said that if it helped just one trans woman accept who and what she is, then the blog has done it’s job.
Actually, in response to my (previously) final post, several trans woman wrote to tell me how much the blog helped them. The following comes from the most recent trans woman expressing appreciation. It’s long, but worth it, as it shows how much this blog has helped people. I’m sharing excerpts of the full message:
An ode of appreciation
….What I really want to get to is Thank You! I have been following you for 15 months now and I believe I have read most of your articles…15 months ago I was doing a deep dive into [my own self transformation]… I was a cis-het-white guy for 52 years, trained, culled, forced and assimilated into the systems of control and oppression. There… came the crux, the clarity, the guidance of a Higher Power of an opportunity of a radical shift. Today I see it as the most incredible opportunity…lol.
At the time it was a curse of the most epic kind. My 2nd wife [and I] co-discovered the systems we were deeply embedded in. We also discovered that after 18 years in marriage we had gotten to a place where we could no longer support each others needs and it was time to decouple. And there was a discovery that she was a lesbian and much to my surprise … I am trans-femme…
I also discovered that the tremendous childhood trauma I had survived was affecting me greatly every day. The 3 aspects of – ending an 18 year marriage, I was trans and I carried tremendous trauma into all things was brutal (and with todays perspective…absolutely necessary). Any movement forward in transness brought up trauma. I really dove into my programs of AA and ACA, got new sponsors that were aligned with my new identity discovery and a really really good therapist. I kept all 3 very busy as I dove into the work with both feet as I was not going to survive this event if I didn’t. In essence, It was the gift of desperation. Do the work or die…
In my recent EMDR work I discovered I have been this way for lifetimes. It has taken over 15 months of OMG intensive work, I have hit a milestone in my work. I am ready to date.
Your articles over the last 15 months also combined with many of trans authors have been incredible guidance through one of the most difficult times in my life… I almost didn’t make it. The gratitude therein is immense. Somewhere in your Trump article, maybe in the comments, you mentioned that if you reached one person with your message then all the rhetoric and all the time, intention and effort … was worth it. That was me…
You have been a part of the most epic journey, and I believe We are just getting started…
Self loathing of trans women
There are many – I would say the majority — trans women struggling like this person once did. This explains why they’re so hostile to trans-attracted men, and me in particular. We reflect back to them the state of their inner-self-acceptance. And they can’t bear the pain of facing that.
I started this blog to help relieve that. Obviously, some have benefitted. Trans-attracted men have too. Now, I’m curious to see who else will…I’m glad to see this trans woman found liberation from her struggle. I hope to hear from her again.
