Tips For Finding Love And Acceptance In The Trans Community. Starting With The Men.
Whether you’re a transgender person, or someone who finds themselves trans attracted, any kind of love is available to you.
The only thing keeping you from having that is you.
Your stories keep you from what you want. Stories are thoughts you think frequently. You think them so often they become “just the way life is”.
All these stories are TRUE. You create their truth by telling them. If you believe “Straight men don’t like transgender women” then you only meet straight men who don’t like transgender women. Same is true for any other story.
Change the story and your “truth” changes too. Your reality also changes.
You can have love you want with no effort on your part. Hard work is overrated. Especially in relationships. Digging through online profiles, going to bars and trying to find Mr. or Ms. “Right” by swiping left, right or whatever are unnecessary steps.
By relaxing, having fun and enjoying life, you don’t have to do those things. Everything you want comes easily.
A friend of my wife demonstrated this over the last two years. That she had no idea it was happening shows how easy it happens.
Following explains how the process works. After that, I’ll tell Susan’s story, which shows how the process worked for her. Along the way, I’ll clarify points you should know so you too can produce similar results.
Getting everything you want is easy. Here’s how:
Like I said, Susan is not aware of this process (Step five) yet it still worked for her. That means it can work for you. More so if used deliberately. So now, let’s overlay these steps on Susan’s experiences so you can see how they work.
Susan had been married many years. That marriage was crappy by Susan’s admission. Her divorce was even worse. Contentious and frustrating, it ended with her “wasband” getting the better deal. That’s because she was the “breadwinner”.
Every negative experience serves the experiencer. So, every negative experience is positive. Susan’s crappy marriage helped her figure out what she wanted.
For one, she realized she didn’t want to be in a relationship where she lived in the same house with someone else. In other words, she enjoyed living alone, having her own space, not having someone always around, but also being in relationship.
That’s good to know when looking for a partner.
All through the divorce, Susan criticized her “wasband”. She complained about the divorce process, her lawyers, his lawyers. The more she complained, the more she had to complain about.
Her ex fought her more and more. He started doing vindictive things. Like slashing her tires and manipulating ways to keep her from their dogs. Perfect examples of Step One.
From time to time Perry’s wife told Susan about this process. Like many people though Susan preferred experiential learning. She doesn’t like being told what to do. Or following advice from others. Neither does Perry’s wife. 🙄 Maybe you don’t either.
Soon Susan stopped complaining as much. She got tired of it. By the time her divorce was finished, she accepted the process. Step One: check.
What Susan didn’t know was, her experiences with “wasband” helped her know things she wouldn’t have known had she not gone through them.
She knew she didn’t want another marriage. She knew she wanted her autonomy. And she knew what kind of relationship she wanted: one without the intertwined aspects of traditional relationships.
It was no surprise then what happened next. A friend she knew when married turned into a boyfriend. Let’s call him Jake. Jake wasn’t a long-term perfect fit. But he was perfect for now. Meaning: he offered sexual intimacy, occasional company, friendship. Someone to hang out with, without commitment. Jake was also a known-entity. They knew each other for years. So it was easy to turn that friendship into more.
Jake was and is polyamorous. He was seeing other women. He didn’t tell Susan this until six months into their two-year relationship. Jake subscribes to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship policy.
“If you don’t ask, I’m not going to tell you,” he says. Which is fine, if the other person knows this.
Susan didn’t know this. By the time she found out, she wasn’t happy about it.
She told my wife and I she didn’t want to be in an open relationship. She didn’t like feeling “second fiddle” to who-knows-how-many other women who might be in Jake’s life.
But by the time she found out, it was too late. She had feelings for Jake.
There was more to Jake than Susan realized. Jake is fiercely independent, wicked smart, adventurous and a talented agitator/activist.
“I never ask people for anything,” he recently told me over tea. “Even if I have to go to a hospital. I’ll find a way to make it myself.”
That independence spills into his relationships. Jake thrives in relationships he controls. No wonder he prefers polyamory. Multiple opportunities foster independence.
Jake’s independence tinted his relationship with Susan too. He decides when she could come over. He decides when he comes to her house. If he has a date with someone else, he is not available. In many respects, Susan’s access to Jake was at Jake’s discretion.
That worked great for Susan for a while. In time, though, she resented this. She felt the relationship was going one way: Jake’s way.
In Susan’s words recently: “I thought I’d like this non-monogamy thing a bit better if I were to participate in it fully.”
So she decided to do something. A “good for the goose” thing. What she before resisted, she now was warming up to. So much so she too sought extra partners.
One day she got an idea: a profile on OKCupid. Step two: check!
“In retrospect, I did it shortly after discovering that [Jake] had another lover…” Susan said. “It was kind of a vengeful act.”
Time went by. Susan fell in love with Jake. Jake was in love too. What Susan at first tolerated now she enjoyed. Even given the imbalance. Step One again.
She enjoyed her freedom, her autonomy. She now liked Jake having options. And she looked forward to having her own options. Men she could see occasionally and casually too.
You get what you’re ready for. The problem is, you’re never ready for something different than what you have, until you accept what you have. If you’re not happy with what you have, you can’t get what you want because you’re not ready for what you want. You’re complaining about what you have.
Happiness is not something that comes after getting what you want. Well, it does happen that way.
But it’s meant to be something you feel no matter what you’re experiencing. That’s because everything you experience serves your fulfillment. Yes, even what looks like negative experiences.
When you figure that out, your life is your conscious design. This unconditional happiness is your design tool kit. Because when you’re happy, no matter what you have, you are ready for having what matches how you feel.
As Susan found herself mostly happy in her poly relationship, she made room in her life for having more of what she wanted. That created what happened next.
For a while nothing significant happened on OKC. She says she met three guys. She enjoyed meeting them.
Otherwise, She said, the process was “drudgery”. This is why we don’t support using dating websites. They can work. But they frequently don’t. In the meantime, they conjure too many negative stories (lack of acceptance). That stretches out the time it takes to get what you want. It’s far better to be happy, enjoy your life and follow your intuition. Meeting your match that way is a happy, natural and enjoyable process.
Online dating for most people isn’t happy, natural or enjoyable.
Like many people though, Susan learned to accept the drudgery. Again, Step One.
That’s when one profile “stood out,” she said. “OKC estimated 99% compatibility, and I liked his photos and what he’d written.”
She was referring to this guy Susan brought to a small gathering. Let’s call him Carl.
They had almost everything in common. They finished each others’ sentences…laughed at the same things…it was like they had been together for years.
Carl wanted a monogamous relationship from the get-go. He said so in his profile. Susan’s profile didn’t say that. But Carl liked what Susan offered so much, he compromised.
This happens a lot. Insecure people compromise their ideas because they think they need to to get what they want.
That’s never the case. But impatience is a powerful thing. As is insecurity.
When people can’t be patient, they compromise. In compromising, the path leading to what they really want lengthens. It’s not a problem because every experience is beneficial.
You’re also eternal, so you have plenty of lifetimes to get what you want. But if you exercise patience while following the process above, what you want comes faster.
Let’s take a break with a blast from the past….
Welcome back. Carl’s relationship behaviors contrasted Jake’s. He wanted collaboration in relationship. While he didn’t like so much sharing Susan with others, he didn’t resist it. Not at first.
So Carl fell in love with Susan instantly, he says. And why not? She’s lovable!
Meanwhile, Jake got more controlling when he found out Susan had another lover. His insecurities, dormant while he controlled the relationship, now surfaced. This was a good thing. His insecurities invited everyone involved to become better versions of themselves.
For example, both men had toothbrushes in Susan’s bathroom. Jake’s was in the toothbrush holder. Carl’s in the drawer. Carl imagined (rightly) Susan was hiding from Jake the fact that Carl sometimes spent the night. That chafed Carl.
Carl’s feelings were petty. So were Susan’s intentions. Susan was trying to protect Jake. To keep from triggering Jake’s insecurities. That strategy backfired. It only made both men more insecure and her frustrated.
She found both men’s insecurities unattractive. But she also enjoyed it. Through something she initially didn’t like at first, Susan found empowerment and freedom and choice and options.
In other words: Everything her marriage didn’t offer.
One night Carl put his foot down.
He said he wanted monogamy with Susan. That surprised her. She had been clear from day one on OKC that’s not what she wanted.
One day, Bridget reminded Susan that two years ago a monogamous relationship was exactly what she wanted.
But Susan grew happy with her current situation (being in an open relationship). That’s step one. She missed step two, but the process still worked because she followed her inspiration posting an OKCupid profile (Step three).
And now she faced a new reality. One she wanted two years ago. Carl represented a great match: intellectually, physically and more. They really liked each other too.
Susan didn’t remember wanting monogamy two years ago. And yet, here she was, getting everything she wanted. Freedom. Choice. Two good men who both loved her. And an opportunity for monogamy.
And now, one for the men:
Intrigued with Carl’s request, she told Jake. Jake got even more insecure. Angry in fact that Susan was considering a monogamous relationship with someone else. Of course, he didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship. He wanted what he had: his cake (Susan) and the opportunity to eat other cake.
But let’s look at what Susan created. In two years her life matched every desire she wanted.
In other words, Susan was getting everything she wanted. And then some. Even though she didn’t realize what was happening.
Like we say, the process works for everyone. Even those unaware of it.
Today, Susan is negotiating the best of both worlds. She loves both Carl and Jake. Both represent different desires she’s had over two years. Both men love her. Both offer different things. In other words, Susan is enjoying her love life as it brings her plenty of pleasure, adventure, love and more.
You can have your version of the same thing: plentiful experiences where what you want comes easily. It all starts with realizing you have a larger you from which to live your life. Then finding ways that connect you to that. Being happy is the easiest.
Life doesn’t have to be hard or a struggle. Love doesn’t either. And neither is, when you follow life’s really simple process.
When will you start?
And some aren’t. That’s just how society is. Especially the transgender community. We are steadily gaining accolades for our work. More people are beginning to follow what we do, which is great, because there is no reason why the approach we advocate for living can’t be practiced – to beneficial results – by anyone.
But I’m not stupid.
Not everyone is ready for this approach. By that, I mean some folks are just too deeply wedded to their stories, stories which convince them that life (as Remy has put it) “happens TO them”. We’re having a conversation with such a person right now on one of our YouTube shows.
The momentum of one’s stories can be seemingly irresistible. Particularly stories that have been repeated many, many times…to the point they become beliefs. Beliefs are simply hidden stories. They are hidden from the storyteller.
But the results aren’t. Everyone can with relative ease discover what stories they are telling, simply by looking at two things:
There are quite a few illustrious stories in that YouTube conversation. Worth a read.
So while our numbers continue to rise, it’s no surprise there will be those who are turned off by something we publish and stop following our work. That’s ok.
It can be for everyone. But it doesn’t have to be.
So last week I explained that a lot of people are suffering because they don’t know two critical components of what they are: (1) that they are eternal, and (2) that they are in control of their life experience and they exercise that control through the stories they tell.
As a result of this lack of knowledge, their life-experience-creation mechanism is operating on autopilot. Rather than deliberately telling stories about experiences people want to have in their life experience, they are telling stories by default, in obliviousness, unconsciously….however you want to put it, by looking at their life experience and then complaining about it.
A complaint is a story.
So people, generally, are looking at their life experience and selecting things to complain about, more than they are looking at and selecting things to praise. An even better option would be to ignore altogether the “now” reality and focus totally (or as much as possible) on the life experience one wants to have.
If you look at the transgender community, a lot of women are complaining about their life experience. They are telling stories about situations in their life experiences that they want to be different, instead of telling stories about situations they want, and situations they have which please them. They don’t know they are telling stories and that those stories are resulting in more of what they’re telling stories about, but it doesn’t matter that they don’t know, because awareness is not a prerequisite to the mechanism working!
Next time we’re going to bring this full circle back to you and that trans attracted man you keep calling a chaser.
In my last post I posited an idea about how suffering is logical. In that post I suggested that perhaps there is a mechanism we are each empowered with, that allows us to have any experience we might want to experience. But lack of knowledge about that mechanism creates a bunch of mess in people’s lives.
Specifically, I wrote the following:
What if, you were totally free to choose your life experience and that this life experience was just one of an infinite number you have experienced and will experience. If you were totally free, you’d need some kind of mechanism through which you could exercise your freedom and design your experience right? Such a mechanism would need to preserve your total freedom, even when you’re in the midst of your chosen life-experience. What better mechanism than the ability to use “creativity” to create stories which, in time line up life experience with the content of a given story?
In the last post I also described how that mechanism includes a set of indicators – our emotions – which tell us whether we are using our stories to head towards what we’re wanting or away from it. We know when we’re heading in the wrong direction when we experience negative emotion. Negative emotion is suffering.
The logical question that follows such a proposition is: then why are so many people suffering?
My answer to that question is: How many people would read that quote above and agree with it? In the answer to that question, you find the reason why so many people today suffer. It’s because the vast majority of people don’t know two critical components of what it means to be human:
Now there’s a difference between “believing” something, and “knowing” it. Some people believe they are eternal. Their religion or philosophy they subscribe to may tell them so. And so they may “believe” it. But their life – i.e. their actual day-to-day behaviors – doesn’t reflect that belief. And, sometimes “belief” isn’t really belief, but more of a “ok, I get it” non-committal type position.
Knowing is born of life experience. You may believe you can fly a plane, but you don’t know it until you actually leave the runway in an actual airplane with you at the controls. The same is true for the two points above. And this is why so many people suffer: they don’t know these two critical components. As a result, they are not “at the controls” of the mechanism that is creating their life experience.
We take a deeper look at this mechanism’s autopilot next week.