I spoke with a man this weekend in the early stages of the trans attraction–transamory journey. At his wits end, he contacted me hoping he’d get relief.
He didn’t get any. Instead, he got clarity about what lies ahead: an awesome adventure.
Steven (not his real name) wrote me the following email:
“I think I may be a tranny chaser because I fantasize about them. I have only told a few ppl about this and I don’t want to keep it a secret from people. Although I don’t know if I want a relationship with a trans woman. Can you help me?”
When talked on Skype, Steve was tied in knots. He hoped other people’s opinions might help ease anxiety, fear and insecurity he felt. But when he asked others’ their opinion he got more anxiety, fear and insecurity.
Rationalizing heterosexuality
Steve started watching porn when he was 16. Now in his mid twenties, he recently found trans porn transfixing.
“Something about women with penises I find attractive,” he said. Steve only watches trans porn featuring trans women masturbating. I asked if he imagined being the woman.
“No,” he said.
Porn can introduce a man to his trans attraction. It’s not the only way men do it though. Some find their attraction meeting a trans woman for the first time. Some find it through bars or sex workers. Porn is common though.
The more Steve watched porn, the more Steve found trans women alluring. They compelled his attention so much he felt near addicted to it. When not watching, Steve thinks about trans women all the time, he said. One day he figured he should try “experiencing” a trans woman, but the thought scared him.
Steve considers himself heterosexual. His arousal for trans women threatens this label though, and, like many trans attracted men, that real perceived threat causes fear and anxiety.
“How could I be heterosexual and like this kind of stuff?” he asked in resistance to his trans attraction.
I asked, “Why do you feel fear? What would happen if you explore this that scares you?”
The crux of many men’s fears about discovering their natural attraction to transgender women lies in Steve’s answer. Men worry about what others are going to think about them. So they feel insecurity, fear, anxiety and uncertainty in their budding trans-attraction.
Focus on that too long and these men get taken over by their fear-producing thoughts or stories. They can’t stop thinking about these scenarios. Insecurity grows so big, they think their stories are happening against their will.
The only thing happening though is momentum. Repeatedly telling their fear-filled stories, these men give more life force to such stories. They’ve told such stories (entertained such thoughts) so often, those stories themselves become alive. If men continue telling these stories, they will become their reality. The negative emotions these men feel indicate they want something different than the reality that’s coming.
It’s not that they want to not be trans attracted though. It’s that they want to feel strong, confident and certain in their trans attraction. But their fears block that clarity.
Steve was no different. He said his thoughts about trans women and the anxiety he felt returned to his mind unbidden, at all times, throughout the day. He worried something was wrong.
“I worry what others might say and think about me, too” He said. Then he quickly added: “I want a woman and want to raise children”.
I know this common excuse used to deny one’s trans attraction. Wanting a family masks illogical conclusions drawn from fear and insecurity. I pointed this out by sharing two scenarios with Steve, one in which he’s married to a cis-woman, who, down the line somehow loses her child-bearing ability.
“What would you do in this situation?” I asked.
“We could adopt, or get a surrogate,” Steve said. I nodded.
Then I told the other scenario, one where he and a trans woman are together and both want a family, but the woman has a penis. I asked the same question. Steve got the point.
But here’s the strange thing about some men, including Steve. Men will sometimes turn to the very same people they fear rejection from, for advice. That’s exactly what Steve did. He asked relatives, friends, girlfriends.
Not surprisingly many of those people said Steve should avoid these thoughts and this interest. Steve’s reality already started matching his fears. Standing in insecurity, fear and self-shame, he got advice matching his worries.
Trans attraction runs deep. It’s not something one can ignore once it gets triggered. I don’t recommend trans attracted men seek answers from other people, especially when first discovering their trans attraction. Everyone creates their reality through storytelling. So stories conjuring fear, anxiety and insecurity are bound to create people and experiences reflecting those negative emotions.
When a trans attracted man seeks advice from others while feeling insecure or shame, they’re going to get advice that’s not helpful. They’ll get unhelpful reactions too. For the people they’ll ask will be people matching the fear and insecurity the man feels.
Same goes for trans women, by the way. Which is why a trans woman who is insecure will usually meet equally insecure men. There are no “tranny chasers”. There are insecure trans women projecting their insecurities which create realities wherein they meet insecure men, i.e. perfect matches.
If it feels good, it’s right
Instead of looking for advice in others, it’s better to nurture one’s inner wisdom, then rely on that for guidance. Living life from here changes life experience too. There are a lot of insecure people walking around. Trans attracted men do better when they rely on their own inner guidance direction. But first, they must nurture that connection.
All these insecure people are looking to other insecure people for their answers not knowing the only real answers are within. Why on earth do we seek answers from fellow humans, many of whom are insecure at one level or another, when we all have secure, confident, clear inner selves guiding us all the time, if we’d only take time to nurture that connection then listen?
That’s what I told Steve. I suggested he look to himself for his answers because he knows better than anyone else what’s right for him.
“What feels good is right,” I said. “Follow that. Your trans attraction feels good. It’s your negative stories that feel bad. Follow what feels good and see where it leads you.”
Steve let out a heavy sigh. I asked what that was. He said he wasn’t ready for the “heaviness” of what he knew he had to do. I agreed with that. He looked like the weight of the world sat on his shoulders. I told him it wouldn’t stay that way.
For Steve and all trans attracted men: Trans attraction is an adventure. It’s part of the bigger adventure called life. You came to explore all your life offers. In that exploration you become more authentic in you and help others do the same.
Trans attraction can be a path of perpetual delight, but if you’re looking to others for their opinions about what and who you are and what you should do, you’re just making that adventure harder than it needs to be.
