Fascination grows in me the more I work with trans and trans-attracted people. There’s no such thing as homogeneity anywhere. That includes trans and trans-attracted populations.
Not all transgender women, for example, believe an “inner female is struggling to get out” of me. I get how a trans person might feel that way. What I’m seeing though tells me that statement says more about how the speaker sees the world than it describes what’s happening.
I’m realizing there is no “male” or “female”. There’s just what is. I wonder if, when a trans woman says something like “I feel like a woman”, what that really is is a statement approximating what they feel, compared to what they see. They see people they resonate with, who appear “female”, so they conclude that’s what they are.
Transgender dissonance
I attended a discussion group at my local Q center. Some transgender attendees confided their bafflement over how out-of-place they felt in their transitioned gender. Both transgender men AND trans women in this group described how different cis-men and women were from them.
The speakers found it difficult relating to dynamics within and among these groups, indicating perhaps that the speakers were not “male” or “female” as they thought they were, but instead were something different. Something more.
Three experiences, two with clients and another with someone I spoke on the phone yesterday adds more complexity.
My first client enjoys creating a future in which he expresses a wonderful gender blend. He relishes expressing combinations representing traditional “male” and “female” social markers: breasts, a peak-toned, muscular, yet slender physique, hairless scalp, eyeliner, and a delicate frilly blouse and skirt. He will pull it off too. He looks good. This client rejects the idea of “a woman trapped in a man’s body” he hears so much among transgender women he hangs with. He feels being trans is more than that.
I agree.
The other client clearly expresses feminine traits, yet she rejects her developing breasts. In her best moments, she relishes her expression somewhere between “male” and “female” too. She’s impatient to have her Adam’s apple reduced, but likes other features marking her as “male”. Her authenticity conflicts with her dating stories: she believes most men look for “women”. They’re not interested, she believes, in someone somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.
I totally disagree, of course. Matches exist for every expression.
so, upheld how diverse “transgender” really is. He knows himself as trans, yet doesn’t dress en femme as much as he wears “men’s” clothes. He is calm with where he is. Not a single transitionary step piqued his interest yet. And while he enjoys attention and conversation with trans-attracted men, he doesn’t enjoy anal sex. That’s quite a perspective.
More are on the way
An intuitive hit tells me our age now allows all kinds of expressions, especially when it comes to presenting gender and orientation, but not only that. Social churn we’re seeing today I believe stems from humanity growing through greater clarity. It knows there’s more to what we as humans allowed in the past. More diversity, not less, is on the way. In that, there’s not only no binary, there’s no right way.
I think about the person I talked with on the phone. I thought how he will meet men who will find attractive his desire to present sometimes as male, sometimes as a woman. A match exists for everyone.
That conversation prompted this post. He said, it’s hard finding people to befriend, even though he lives in Los Angeles, a Mecca of sorts for LGBT people. He said he feels uncomfortable and alone because he doesn’t see anyone like him: people who share his perspective, his unique expression focus.
Trans is a leading edge
Perhaps that’s because he’s here to lead the way? What if by virtue of living his authentic life, he made space for others to do the same?
Maybe the one reason this guy sees no examples of who he feels he is is because society is only just now opening its eyes to humanity’s authentic expression: it’s never been about “male” and “female”.
So while a lot of people rail over and push against society about how “trans women are WOMEN”, that doesn’t even begin to tell the whole story.
Trans people are divine, eternal beings. Like all people, they can’t be put in ANY kind of box.
Let them be free. If you’re trans or trans-attracted free yourself. “Gay or straight” is a box. “Trans women are women” is a box. No matter how comfortable one may feel it.
Free yourself and watch how great diversity that is you shines, and in that shining you’ll shape humanity to more truly reflect All That Is. Doing that you’ll not only find freedom, you’ll find joy too.
