Tag: cis-men

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Tranny Chaser….really?

What is it about transwomen who rail against the tranny chaser. To me, it’s hypocritical. I mean, how does it feel, transgender women, when someone calls you “sir” on the street or in a store? Nevermind, I know how it feels, because my trans friends have told me.

We’re going to repeat this over and over: the men you shame by calling them names are going through a transition similar to your own.  Just as you likely had to come to grips with your own identity, these men – YOUR ALLIES – are going through a transformation too.

A transformation that, for many, still has them in the closet.

Remember when you used to try on clothes in the dark or in the privacy of your room, hidden from other people’s eyes? Remember when you used to hide or explain away remnants of nail polish on your fingers? In the same way, early stage transamorous men are going through similar stages when they experiment with you. They are testing the waters. And frankly those men have made it pretty far: at least they’re at the point of interacting with the person they desire.

Sure there may be boys out there who seek a fling, but it’s much more likely, everyone who expresses interest in you is doing so because they are interested at one level or another and that interest would build if society wasn’t constantly trying to stamp it out. “Society” includes you.

Your allies, the trans-attracted men out there, need your help as much as you need theirs…and yes, you do need them because – and you really need to get this: any man who is interested in you is transamorous by definition. That means in the course of trying to accept who they are they eventually help create a society that accepts who you are.

So help them out. Consider being more compassionate to their transition. Here are some tips to handling it lovely ladies:

  • Offer to talk about it straight up. Don’t sweep your feelings or the guy’s feelings under the carpet. If you see him acting nervous, stop taking it personal* and realize his nervousness is ABOUT HIM. Not you.
  • Ask him about it, ask him what he’s feeling. Have a serious conversation about it without making him wrong or shaming him. Control your knee-jerk reaction to play the victim role.
  • Listen to what he says, then express some empathy. Tell him a story about your own transition. It shows him you get what he’s going through.
  • Ask him if he can identify the thought that has him feeling this way. Ask him if he can think of other thoughts that could trigger other emotional responses other than nervousness, apprehension, fear or shame.
  • If you simply can’t deal with your own emotional reaction to someone who MATCHES YOUR STORY and is behaving in a way that triggers you, then it’s better than you figure your own securities (your stories) out first. For you’re not doing anyone any favors creating drama. You’re especially not helping yourself.

Your freedom as a transgender woman is fortified when you can accept that the men who are interested in you are just as deserving of respect for their transition as you are of yours. There are no tranny chasers. There are only men who are interested – often romantically – in people like you.

*Need some help with that? Contact me.

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Transamorous men tread a thin line

 

I’m not trying to make a sympathy appeal for transamorous men. I talk about the thin line transamorous men tread in my Man’s Guide for Finding a Transgender Partner. What I am thinking about though is how easy it is to make the transamorous man the bad guy in the cis-male – transwoman relationship dynamic.

Season Two of Transparent got me thinking about this. In the Episode “Davina”, a transgender woman has a boyfriend named Sal. In this episode he gets out of prison and comes home to Davina’s delight. There’s a moment in the episode where Sal has a conversation with Maura, the show’s main character. The conversation he has was reminiscent of thoughts I’ve had about some transwomen I’ve been interested in.  Sal takes it to a whole other level though. Sal makes recommendations for surgeries and results Maura can undertake to improve her appearance. It’s a difficult scene to watch if you’re at all clued into how sensitive such subjects are. And here’s where things get dicey. A far better description comes from a quick website search:

“Ex-con boyfriend, Sal…comes back to society and promptly begins telling Maura exactly how many ccs of silicone he recommends she have injected “in the titty area.”  This leads to one of the realest exchanges we’ve seen between Maura and Davina yet, as the tension between the two boils over into argument: can Davina do better than the “trans-amorous” Sal, or does she have to settle for life with a man who may well only want her because of her gender identity?”

As a “trans-amorous” man myself, I cringe at this author’s description of men like me. And, I understand it. How far can I go in offering advice on changes a person can make? Is it even my place?  I remember, early in my transition, making suggestions to a woman I was dating who was considering her FFRS. I felt my ideas would be warmly received. After all I was one of a small handful of people in her life who cared about her. But she wasn’t warm in her response to my suggestions…and that’s putting it lightly.

I get such decisions are personal to the transperson. I also get that there’s a line any man can cross when interacting with any woman regarding her appearance. For transwomen I imagine the process of making appearance changes to match an ideal are a huge and personal set of decisions….with an emphasis on “personal” meaning “none of my business.”

But what if the person you love makes choices which result in her looking in ways which are unattractive to you? Yes, looks should not play that big a role, but shoulda-woulda…they do! After all, don’t transwomen, whether they are lesbians, heterosexual or whatever, have preferences? Even shallow ones like race, height, and such?

Of course they do.

I met and dated, very early on, a transgender woman just after her chest and SR surgeries. She got these e-n-o-r-m-o-u-s breast implants. She was pretty and well-adjusted, but I just couldn’t bring myself to finding that massive chest attractive. She was certainly grossly disproportionate IMO. It wasn’t the only cause that ended our relationship. But her appearance, or rather my desires in my partner’s appearance (my story) played a part in our relationship’s demise.

So where does the transamorous man stand regarding decisions his transpartner makes during her transition? Is there a point in a relationship where it becomes ok to give input? It’s a curious question to consider. For the line is fine. And clarity, understanding, grace and rational approached – coming from both parties – can help a lot.

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I get the fear and don’t blame you

I get the fear that initially comes with transamory. I mean, if you’re a guy who hasn’t come to grips with your natural, normal attraction to transwomen, then that insecurity is sending off all kinds of signals. The likelihood you’d be ridiculed or disowned by your loved ones, made fun of by coworkers…or worse, is high.

But there’s a solution to that.

First, you have to realize there is nothing to fear. Your feelings are real. But once you understand what your feelings represent, it’s easy to get rid of the fear. Then you can step out of your self-imposed exile with confidence and verve…

There’s a beautiful world awaiting you. A world in which you can have your desires and be accepted by friends and family. But more important than that is the joy and freedom awaiting you. It’s just on the other side of the decision to stop letting society, friends, family and your own beliefs about how important these people are, keep you from having that joy and freedom.

I know what I’m saying because I was where you are. I had fear and hesitation about my romantic and sexual attraction to transwomen. I lived a quiet, secret life in addition to my normal “out” one. But it was when those two lives blended that things started happening really quick, things that supported exactly what I’m saying in this post.

Today, I’m living a pretty fabulous life, pursuing all my dreams, including my dream to be with a transgender partner. My wife knows about it, my work colleagues, my family, my friends. This website is a manifestation of what I’ve wanted to do since recognizing my own transamory. I’ve wanted to help the trans community in a unique way. This site, which I’ve created for you, but also for transwomen as you’ll see over its evolution, is my expression to have more of us guys show up in ways which support the people we love, thereby mainstreaming the notion that love of transgender people is natural and normal.

I believe one person can change the world. Every thing that has happened on the planet in terms of human society began with one person. That one person’s courageous action attracted others. As others joined, a movement began. From there, the rest is history.

I also believe each one of us transamorous men, in our own way, have a role to play in the gradual societal acceptance of transwomen as natural, normal people. It may be interacting with one transgender person on the street, treating that person like a human being. It may be dating a transgender person in a way that has her feel honored. It may be sticking up for all transgender people in a group of people who are being ignorant. It may also be stepping out on to the global stage and say “Hey, some girls are born with penises. Get over it.”

Whatever your role, it’s time to start performing it. Not trying to tell you what to do. I’m trying to explain to you that your happiness and freedom is directly tied to doing that thing, whatever it is. The sooner you go for that, the better you will feel.

It’s up to you to make the decision. No one is going to make it for you.

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One study: These men aren’t gay

They're not gayBeing gay isn’t a bad thing. Labelling trans-attracted and transamorous men gay, however, creates a host of problems for everyone. Especially because that label – that men sexually and or romantically attracted to transgender women are gay – doesn’t align at all with how trans-attracted and transamorous men actually feel. It’s very similar to calling a transgender woman a man…when she clearly is not.

I just received a 2015 study from a transamorous man, which appears to confirm the fact that men like us are not gay. While I realize science is hardly objective, and has often been used to discredit the LGBT community, I was inspired to read this study.

This study showed there is a great deal of overlap between the sexual tastes of straight men and men interested in transwomen, whereas there is very little overlap between gay men and the men interested in trans women. Here’s how the researchers put it:

[Transamorous and trans-attracted] men had arousal patterns similar to those of heterosexual men and different from those of homosexual men. However, compared to heterosexual men, [Transamorous and trans-attracted] men were relatively more aroused by transgender erotic stimuli than by female erotic stimuli.

I knew this all along of course. I remember seeing a counselor with past cis-gender partners for couples counseling, something I believed at the time had value and merit (I don’t now). After having seen me through several relationships, he suggested I see him alone a couple times. After that he recommended I see a friend of his, another counselor. This person tried to convince me to own the “fact” that I was homosexual.

That idea felt so naturally wrong to me. Not that being gay was bad, but because it just didn’t fit how I felt.

It still doesn’t.

Clearly, this is just one study. Still, you gotta start somewhere. It’s good to see science catching up. As the transgender community draws more attention to itself, I’m sure more people will start looking at the part of the community that gets very little attention…and a lot of vilification…from both the cisgender community and, sadly, the transgender community.

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Years of shame…melt away

Shame“Once I accepted that my sexuality was OK and that it could be expressed in a healthy & romantic way, I felt years of shame and stress melt away. It has been one of the most powerful and freeing experiences of my life.”

I love it when a guy realizes he doesn’t have to live in the shadows of shame, misery and stress. Last week the following email, from a man who found our blog, landed in my inbox:

 

First of all, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your positive energy, your bravery and your passion in putting together this website. I’ve come out to family and friends in the past 6 months as trans-amorous, as a result of self-reflection and digesting articles and videos that affirmed my experience. I am grateful for internet resources such as yours, because although I had talked to certain friends and therapists for many years about this attraction, people had given me well-meaning, but ultimately damaging advice, essentially fetishizing and marginalizing the attraction.

One article in particular (I wish I could remember what it was!) highlighted that when we treat attracted to trans people as a paraphilia, it implies that men who are attracted to trans women are either 1) closeted gay (which made no sense to me) or 2) have something wrong with them, which means that trans women are implicitly unloveable! That hit me really hard and made me realize that these views are extremely destructive both to cis people like myself and to trans people.

Once I accepted that my sexuality was OK and that it could be expressed in a healthy & romantic way, I felt years of shame and stress melt away. It has been one of the most powerful and freeing experiences of my life. I’ve started to connect to the trans and queer communities and have befriended a couple of trans people, and been on a few normal dates with trans women, although online dating hasn’t really been ideal so far. I just purchased the your book, and am really excited to gain some insights… Perhaps I’ll learn something by looking at it as well. Anyways, I really appreciate what you’re doing and hope to connect at some point. I’ve considered putting myself out there more online/ perhaps creating some videos or similar content, and your website is inspiring me in such a way. Perhaps I can help others avoid the years of suffering I went through.

More men realize their attraction to transgender women is normal, healthy and natural. I suspect we’re going to get more of these kinds of emails in the future.

I talked with “John” about online dating and how sucky it is. We agreed there has to be a better way. And there is. The first step is getting happy. You get happy by telling stories that make you feel good. From there, the Universe takes care of the rest. I’m eager to keep talking with “John” as we all continue down this road of transition.