Your Trans Attraction Is Never An “Addiction”

The Transamorous Network
The Transamorous Network

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our Transamorous Network readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

I’m in a straight relationship with my partner, although I found out I was attracted to “trans” before we got together. I told her in the early stages of our relationship and it was almost laughed off and dismissed.

Unfortunately, I went behind my partner’s back on one or two occasions years into the relationship and it confirmed my “fetish” with trans women. I didn’t want to enjoy it but I found out I loved it. It was exciting, different and turned me on but it was just fun.

My partner did find out and I came clean, we had counseling and she came around. I completely love my partner 100 percent, but desires took hold and I lost complete control of myself and my emotions.

In the end, she came with me to meet a trans woman and enjoyed watching me have fun. She knows I am completely in love and committed to her in a daily and family life and has accepted who I am, what I like and we can now be completely open without lies or deceit.

I am very lucky to be able to be myself, I am able to have an intimate relationship with my partner who is absolutely amazing and also satisfy my desires.

I think the best way to understand a person who is attracted to trans is to go with them and see what it’s all about. In doing so, people may see what it is for real rather, than what they think it might be in their heads, which makes more out of it than there needs to be.

For men, and speaking for myself, sex is just sex. A realease of the stresses of day to day life and a time out to enjoy some variety.

I hope any partners of “trans addicts” reading this can look at it from a different angle and realize that it’s not the end of the world. [It] is in no way your fault and you have no inadequacies.

People can’t be put in boxes and conform to expected social norms, we’re human, not robots.


Hey Jason,

The most important thing you’ve talked about is the relief you feel and the willing acceptance your partner now experiences. Congratulations for finding that. Just a couple more perspectives we want to offer, mainly for others who might read your comment.

An entire industry surrounds the word “addiction”. Lots of money goes back and forth as people contend with what they think that word describes.

Desires are good. They are not “addictions”. Attraction is good. It is not an “addiction”. Love is good too and it is not restricted to just one person.

It’s great you love your partner and are committed to them. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t experience that same love and commitment with a transgender woman. Often, men think that’s not possible because they are caught up in their “fantasy”, which is really just a future reality they can’t have, because they don’t believe having it is possible. It is possible, but many men don’t believe it is. So they don’t experience that.

Choosing obligation over joy

We’re going to presume your partner feels better about your attraction because they now see it doesn’t threaten what they get from you being in their life. Maybe they were telling stories about you leaving, what that would mean to them and others involved, and the havoc they think that would create. Such stories can be tremendously painful. That’s obvious in some of the comments in this thread. Now that these have been soothed in your partner (through counseling) they no longer cause your partner discomfort that comes with telling such stories. Again, that’s a good thing.

And yet, men (and women) often get themselves into situations that are hard to get out of. Their stories about life, children, family, societal obligations and more keep them in situations, even though some (not all) may not want to continue in them. We’re not saying this is you Jason, or your partner.

We’re saying many men and women in similar situations (with wives and families) feel a righteous obligation to remaining in these situations because society, family upbringing and other “authorities” have convinced them not to “go against” what they’ve learned.

Some people are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the adventure, the joy and that “what’s next!” of creating life experience. They’re unaware that they can have any life they want. So they settle into lives of stability, adherence and compliance because the rambunctious life-as-their-creation, that they came to have, feels so foreign. We’re not denigrating such decisions. They can impede, however, the natural, wholesome desire-for-more that is inherent in all consciousness. Trans attraction is a dimension of this.

Sounds like you and your partner found enough relief in balancing your attraction and your desire to stay in your situation so you can stay there AND be happy. That’s good.

Sex isn’t just sex

Although it can be seen as release, it is much more than that, and to call it “just sex” significantly diminishes its wonder and meaning. But again, if you find “release” in it, go for it, because that feeling is crucial to getting what you want. Whether you call it “relief” or “release” those emotions mean something important. Feeling them is even more important.

Back to “addicts”: That’s a significant, negative and loaded word for what really is a natural, wholesome desire. The reason trans-desire feels so strong, sometimes compellingly so, is because the desire itself, and the joy derived in its fulfillment, is something you know, at the core of who you are, will fulfill an aspect of who you are.

In doing so, in fulfilling it, you also transform, inform and altogether make worldly experience more enjoyable for those with whom you come into contact with. You’ll also expand the nature of what it means to be human. All these are worthy results of pursuing desires. And they line up with what everyone comes into the world to experience: desire fulfillment.

Every desire is meant to be (and is) fulfilled.

We do not encourage trans-attracted people to see their attraction as anything less than that: a wholesome desire wanting to be fulfilled. For in its fulfillment will emerge wonderful more, joy, fun and happiness for all involved. All that happens, but that doesn’t mean everyone involved will experience it.

As we say everywhere in our content: stories are powerful. They can block what is really happening. That’s always temporary though. The pain and anguish expressed by ex wives whose ex-husbands owned their trans-attraction and thus divorced them, doesn’t have to be these people’s reality.

We know it’s hard knowing that when you’re in the thick of the suffering. But suffering doesn’t mean the joy is not available. It’s just that joy isn’t one’s experience when one tells stories that are not aligned with joy.

Honey (positive stories) attracts more bees


You get more bees with honey, i.e., you’ll find your lover by first becoming sweet. I know I get better results when I think positive thoughts, i.e, when I tell better-feeling stories.

Even better results come when I open up and allow my positive stories to dominate my awareness. Doing that, everything I want comes into view. I see differently, subsequently I feel differently and life matches that.

That’s why living in positive stories feels good and also creates life consistent with feeling good. When I’m positive, I’m more confident, I love myself more. Like a blossoming flower, bees find me, I don’t need to look for them. So too transgender women find me, I don’t need to go after them.

I like knowing that. I knew that Tuesday morning after waking. It felt so good in fact I wrote this:

Clarity in wake state feels like cool wind on hot, sun splashed days. A welcome relief. Negative thoughts ringing loud and clear, are clarions sounding future wake state moments, a future foretold, my future, a future unwanted.

Aware now, I resist resisting these thoughts. Old habits of pushing against unwanted thoughts give way to appreciation: I know now that every unwanted thought turns into improved thought when allowed passage via dispassionate observance rather than wishing they weren’t there and thereby giving birth to resistance.

April showers, they come and go, leaving fertile, softened soil, perfect conditions for soon-to-sprout goodness. So too are my negative thoughts, better termed “unwanted”. Like sprouting seeds my unwanted thoughts give way to new realities which draw to them fulfilled wishes like bees to blossoms. Like bees to blossoms, these fulfilled wishes prompt smiles of joy, satisfaction and more.

After all that deliciousness I created the gif above. So cool how creativity begets more creativity. That’s exactly the process that creates physical reality. And it’s the process trans-attraction fulfills itself when no resistance stands in the way. In other words when I don’t tell negative stories.

Complicit in your own self-self-mutilization?


bimo mentara patriarchy.jpg

Bell hooks (born Gloria Jean Watkins) is an African-American author, feminist, and social activist. Her writing has focused on the interconnectivity of race, class, and gender and their ability to produce and perpetuate systems of oppression and domination.

In a recent interview on The Transamorous Network Podcast, due out soon, we talked about the power of the patriarchy, its viciousness and its vile effect….

Not on women.

On men.

What does this have to do with trans attraction?

A lot. The shame you feel being trans-attracted rests deep in the vileness of the patriarchy. Like the quote says: patriarchy’s first violent act is within men.

Something to think about. Some questions to help you:

  • Why do you keep thinking you’re gay because you find trans women attractive?
  • Why are you asserting your straightness in online dating ads and other communiques about your interest in trans women?
  • What are you afraid of in owning your trans-attraction?
  • What do you have to lose if you do own your attraction to these beautiful people?
  • Is what you have to lose really so valuable that you are willing to tolerate being less than, expressing less than all you are?

All of this is definitely worth thinking about. Contact us if you need someone to talk with about this.

Transgender: suffering is optional

Tolle**Trigger concepts in this post. If you’re easily triggered about certain transgender topics, you might want to read this post first.**

If you’re a transgender woman and you’re suffering some situation, or a transamorous man living a life of shame, lying to loved ones, including yourself, about who you are, it may be hard to hear that your suffering is optional.

As soon as you become aware of your origins and your choices, your options become literally infinite, including the option of bidding adieu to suffering.

How can that be?

It all lies in how we got here, why you’re transgender. Why I’m transamorous.

Here’s how science describes how cis people become cis:

“Embryos start to become male or female at about six to eight weeks. At that time, those with an active gene called SRY, most often found on the Y chromosome, starts to produce the male sex hormone, testosterone. Without the flood of the hormone, embryos remain female. With testosterone, masculinisation begins. It is the fork in the road that shapes a person’s anatomy and physiology, and potentially their behaviour.”

Notice that science presupposes no “existence condition” prior to the embryonic state. Science usually leaves that condition to religion or spirituality. Pity. Because that’s where things get really interesting.

(All of the following can be verified by you with a little focus and effort.)

There has to be (and there is) an existence condition prior to being formed as an embryo. Random chance of you being transgender or transamorous doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. It seems much more logical, from where I’m standing, that we set up the conditions which are our physical life, including how that embryo forms into who we ultimately, biologically, become. And we do this in this existence condition which precedes embryonic formation.

This doesn’t have to negate our freedom-to-choose if we freely choose our circumstances, prior to living them. I mean, isn’t that logical?

If in that existence condition before birth, we were free to set up whatever life circumstances we want, then it makes sense we also have freedom once we get here, bounded only by the circumstances we have set up, doesn’t it? And wouldn’t that freedom include being free of suffering?

By now your stories may be kicking into high gear. If you’re anti-judeo-christian, for example, you might have two story constellations, tightly related: Those stories making up “judeo-christian belief” – the Bible, what your parents told you, what church told you –  and all those stories you’ve made up about “belief” or “faith” that perhaps has you no longer believing in those religious stories.

I’m not saying the judeo-christian stories are right. An atheist or agnostic could be equally resisting what I’m writing here. Stories are stories. They are living things and defend themselves. Are your stories rising up right now to defend their territory (your life view)?

Can suffering be optional?

What I am saying is, you are more free than you think. Even if you are in a situation that seems so bleak, you couldn’t possibly have wanted to experience it, you can find yourself in a far better place, and from there, you can change those circumstances. For good.

Next time, I offer reasons why you might have wanted to come into the world as transgender and why I wanted to come into the world transamorous.



Where does transgender come from?

Born this way but whyLet’s presume you’re a transperson, trans attracted person or a sympathizer or ‘ally’. Why on earth would you willingly choose to be born as something seen by the mainstream as such an affront that the chances of you being killed (in the case of a trans person) or at least ridiculed (in the other cases)?

Lady Gaga says we are all “born this way.”  Ok, but why?

Why were so many people born black in the slavery days, jews during the holocaust, or residents of Hiroshima or Nagasaki on those fateful days in WWII? How about the people born to live in Syria or Iraq? Why would someone be “born this way” only to become a murder victim?

Is it all random?


I don’t think so. And I don’t think science is going to be much help.

Science admittedly doesn’t know the answer to the question “where does transgender come from?” Hell, they’re still trying to figure out how “boys” and “girls” happen. And so long as it denies existence of a condition requiring no-time and no-space, I don’t think it’s gonna find it.

I believe “transgender” comes from the same place “transamorous” comes from: That no-time and no-space state we all come from. Religion calls this state “heaven”. I have had a long-running beef with this concept, but now I can see why religion calls it that (in various permutations). It is, indeed, a state of pure positivity, where all things are known and possible and All Things are eternal. But it’s not a white robes and harps kind of place.

How do I know? I’ll get to that.

Words come with so much baggage, it’s challenging to talk about our origins.  “Heaven” comes with so much baggage, it makes understanding where transgender and transamorous originate a sticky topic. Especially when, supposedly, the “boss” in heaven, according to some people, abhors what transpeople are.

So I prefer a less-loaded phrase such as “Infinite Intelligence”, “All That Is”, or “Source” to describe our origins. These words tend to come with less past meaning.

What if there were very good reasons for why people come into the world and face such seeming horrendous experiences. What if there were very good reasons why you came into the world as transgender or transamorous? That’s what I’m going to explore over the next series of short, pithy posts.


Stay tuned.