A speculation borne of personal experience, which is being verified as accurate in my own life experience.
As I wrote in the previous post about all those instances of mass suffering: is it random chance that people end up in these situations? If so, I could see how one could come to a conclusion like this:
“[the Universe is] a cold, uncaring place…[where our role is] to white knuckle my way through it, doing pointless things…until the day I die. At that point, if I’ve lived by my ideals, maybe God (or the universe) will give me some rest.”
Maybe this is the point transgender people (and others) come to shortly before committing suicide. I don’t know if transamorous men ever feel that level of despair, but we know many gay men have. And I would include them among us as “people born into potentially risky circumstances.”
But if the Universe is as nasty a place as that quote suggests, and there are many who believe it is, then the logical conclusion for some – the obviously rational and reasonable one – is to kill ones self. I mean if the person in question had no choice in the matter and that choice was random and foisted upon them by some random-chance Universe, why can’t suicide be a logical response? I might consider the same option…
But that’s just shallow, lazy thinking.
Not the suicide part. I’m not here to judge such decisions. I’m talking about thoughts and conclusions which lead to beliefs that the universe is an uncaring, cold place.
I write that because there is literally overwhelming evidence to the contrary, including overwhelming evidence that every transgender person – and every transamorous one – came into the world clear of the decision to be such a person, with clear purposes for making that choice.
I explain how that could be, next week.
In short, transgender people and transamorous ones, aren’t meant to suffer. That they do is eminently logical when viewed from a particular perspective.
**Trigger concepts in this post. If you’re easily triggered about certain transgender topics, you might want to read this post first.**
If you’re a transgender woman and you’re suffering some situation, or a transamorous man living a life of shame, lying to loved ones, including yourself, about who you are, it may be hard to hear that your suffering is optional.
As soon as you become aware of your origins and your choices, your options become literally infinite, including the option of bidding adieu to suffering.
How can that be?
It all lies in how we got here, why you’re transgender. Why I’m transamorous.
“Embryos start to become male or female at about six to eight weeks. At that time, those with an active gene called SRY, most often found on the Y chromosome, starts to produce the male sex hormone, testosterone. Without the flood of the hormone, embryos remain female. With testosterone, masculinisation begins. It is the fork in the road that shapes a person’s anatomy and physiology, and potentially their behaviour.”
Notice that science presupposes no “existence condition” prior to the embryonic state. Science usually leaves that condition to religion or spirituality. Pity. Because that’s where things get really interesting.
(All of the following can be verified by you with a little focus and effort.)
There has to be (and there is) an existence condition prior to being formed as an embryo. Random chance of you being transgender or transamorous doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. It seems much more logical, from where I’m standing, that we set up the conditions which are our physical life, including how that embryo forms into who we ultimately, biologically, become. And we do this in this existence condition which precedes embryonic formation.
This doesn’t have to negate our freedom-to-choose if we freely choose our circumstances, prior to living them. I mean, isn’t that logical?
If in that existence condition before birth, we were free to set up whatever life circumstances we want, then it makes sense we also have freedom once we get here, bounded only by the circumstances we have set up, doesn’t it? And wouldn’t that freedom include being free of suffering?
By now your stories may be kicking into high gear. If you’re anti-judeo-christian, for example, you might have two story constellations, tightly related: Those stories making up “judeo-christian belief” – the Bible, what your parents told you, what church told you – and all those stories you’ve made up about “belief” or “faith” that perhaps has you no longer believing in those religious stories.
I’m not saying the judeo-christian stories are right. An atheist or agnostic could be equally resisting what I’m writing here. Stories are stories. They are living things and defend themselves. Are your stories rising up right now to defend their territory (your life view)?
Can suffering be optional?
What I am saying is, you are more free than you think. Even if you are in a situation that seems so bleak, you couldn’t possibly have wanted to experience it, you can find yourself in a far better place, and from there, you can change those circumstances. For good.
Next time, I offer reasons why you might have wanted to come into the world as transgender and why I wanted to come into the world transamorous.
Let’s presume you’re a transperson, trans attracted person or a sympathizer or ‘ally’. Why on earth would you willingly choose to be born as something seen by the mainstream as such an affront that the chances of you being killed (in the case of a trans person) or at least ridiculed (in the other cases)?
Lady Gaga says we are all “born this way.” Ok, but why?
Why were so many people born black in the slavery days, jews during the holocaust, or residents of Hiroshima or Nagasaki on those fateful days in WWII? How about the people born to live in Syria or Iraq? Why would someone be “born this way” only to become a murder victim?
Is it all random?
Really?
I don’t think so. And I don’t think science is going to be much help.
Science admittedly doesn’t know the answer to the question “where does transgender come from?” Hell, they’re still trying to figure out how “boys” and “girls” happen. And so long as it denies existence of a condition requiring no-time and no-space, I don’t think it’s gonna find it.
I believe “transgender” comes from the same place “transamorous” comes from: That no-time and no-space state we all come from. Religion calls this state “heaven”. I have had a long-running beef with this concept, but now I can see why religion calls it that (in various permutations). It is, indeed, a state of pure positivity, where all things are known and possible and All Things are eternal. But it’s not a white robes and harps kind of place.
How do I know? I’ll get to that.
Words come with so much baggage, it’s challenging to talk about our origins. “Heaven” comes with so much baggage, it makes understanding where transgender and transamorous originate a sticky topic. Especially when, supposedly, the “boss” in heaven, according to some people, abhors what transpeople are.
So I prefer a less-loaded phrase such as “Infinite Intelligence”, “All That Is”, or “Source” to describe our origins. These words tend to come with less past meaning.
What if there were very good reasons for why people come into the world and face such seeming horrendous experiences. What if there were very good reasons why you came into the world as transgender or transamorous? That’s what I’m going to explore over the next series of short, pithy posts.
It will be a lot easier than this game. I promise.
Transgender actor, activist, writer and producer Jen Richards pins the tail on the donkey.
In a recent article she wrote, she says about seeking out cisgender men to have sex with: “What I’m really seeking is affirmation of my womanhood, and this is the most available means of doing it. No one is more anxious about their sexuality that straight cis men, no one more frightened of being labeled “gay.” This is especially true for first-timers. Hooking up with them is like handling a volatile explosive—and I like the rush. I need that intensity. It’s the only thing that keeps the din of self-doubt and self-loathing at bay. Their wanting me is the proof I need of who I am.”
I know not all transwomen are looking for cis-trans relationships or validation from such pairings. That’s not the best approach to self-validation, but if you are looking for that, and you’re frustrated that you’re not finding what you want, you should continue reading.
There’s no need to review all the things transwomen say out of that frustration. If you’re a transwoman, you already know them and have probably said some of these things, or agreed to them when you heard friends say them.
Thankfully, alleviating your frustration couldn’t be easier. Having the relationship you want couldn’t be either. The first thing to do is recognize that your frustration is a negative emotion. It doesn’t feel good to be frustrated and no one likes it.
I know that sounds like a “no duh” statement, but you gotta get that when you’re in frustration, it’s very hard to step outside it and realize you’re frustrated, then do something productive about it.
The next thing to do is not as easy, particularly if you have consistent complaints that accompany your desire to have what you want. Your desire may sound something like this:
“I want a cis-het man to love me as the woman I am….but…”
The “but” turns your desire expression into a statement of frustration. You gotta separate the two in your head, separate the desire from the frustration. Then eliminate the frustration. How? By telling yourself new stories about your experience and desire, or better yet, new stories about experiences you haven’t had, but you want to have. For example:
New stories about past experiences:
“It’s ok, those are in the past.”
“That was the old me, I know what I’m doing now.”
“I’m sure glad those experiences are behind me.”
“I’m ready for something different.”
You’ll notice these stories make no judgements about anything. They simply acknowledge what is about these past events: they are in the past. They are behind you.
Here are new stories about the experiences you haven’t had, but want to:
“I’m eager for something different”
“I’m excited about how great these new experiences are going to be”
“The experiences coming my way are a perfect match to me”
“I’m going to like what’s coming to me.”
If these statements don’t give you some measure of relief, a sense of feeling better, then they are just “affirmations” and they are going to do diddly squat for you. You want to make up a statement, a thought, that gives you positive expectations, feelings about whatever experience you’re going to have next.
Now if you’re like some of the transwomen I’ve spoken with, you probably don’t want to confront your relationship frustration head-on. You probably have too much momentum behind your stories about your past relationships and going head-to-head with them is probably just going to add fuel to their fire, rather than create a more positive flame and accompanying positive results.
So start with something easier instead. Notice the stories I gave as examples have really nothing specifically to do with relationships. They could apply to any experience coming your way. That’s what you should start with: the easy things. Start with how your day is going to go generally. Start with how breakfast is going to go, how your commute is going to go, how the next hour at work is going to go, how your next conversation with your friend is going to go.
Then when you have that experience, no matter how the experience turns out or what you think of it, create stories that highlight even the smallest positive aspect of that experience. For example:
“What a delicious breakfast. I’m a great cook.”
If you’re not a great cook and it tasted shitty, you gotta find a positive aspect: “I didn’t burn the house down!” might be all you can find, but you gotta find a positive aspect, so if that’s the only one, find it and use it.
Other examples:
“That was a great set of music I listened to during my commute”
“I appreciate my work provides me with money I can use to get some of the things I need”
“I appreciate the opportunity my friend offers to practice being positive!”
Telling new stories about your every day experiences begins training you to see the world differently than you see it now, immersed in your stories which create disappointment, frustration, victimization and similar feelings and their associated experiences. So long as the stories you tell yourself are causing better feelings within you, you will, in time start having experiences consistent with your new stories. So long as you focus only on these good stories and don’t give any air time at all to your old ones, you will one day find yourself sitting in front of the guy you thought was impossible to find. And behind him will come many, many more. Guaranteed.
And when that happens, you too will have pinned the tail on the donkey.
What is it about transwomen who rail against the tranny chaser. To me, it’s hypocritical. I mean, how does it feel, transgender women, when someone calls you “sir” on the street or in a store? Nevermind, I know how it feels, because my trans friends have told me.
We’re going to repeat this over and over: the men you shame by calling them names are going through a transition similar to your own. Just as you likely had to come to grips with your own identity, these men – YOUR ALLIES – are going through a transformation too.
A transformation that, for many, still has them in the closet.
Remember when you used to try on clothes in the dark or in the privacy of your room, hidden from other people’s eyes? Remember when you used to hide or explain away remnants of nail polish on your fingers? In the same way, early stage transamorous men are going through similar stages when they experiment with you. They are testing the waters. And frankly those men have made it pretty far: at least they’re at the point of interacting with the person they desire.
Sure there may be boys out there who seek a fling, but it’s much more likely, everyone who expresses interest in you is doing so because they are interested at one level or another and that interest would build if society wasn’t constantly trying to stamp it out. “Society” includes you.
Your allies, the trans-attracted men out there, need your help as much as you need theirs…and yes, you do need them because – and you really need to get this: any man who is interested in you is transamorous by definition. That means in the course of trying to accept who they are they eventually help create a society that accepts who you are.
So help them out. Consider being more compassionate to their transition. Here are some tips to handling it lovely ladies:
Offer to talk about it straight up. Don’t sweep your feelings or the guy’s feelings under the carpet. If you see him acting nervous, stop taking it personal* and realize his nervousness is ABOUT HIM. Not you.
Ask him about it, ask him what he’s feeling. Have a serious conversation about it without making him wrong or shaming him. Control your knee-jerk reaction to play the victim role.
Listen to what he says, then express some empathy. Tell him a story about your own transition. It shows him you get what he’s going through.
Ask him if he can identify the thought that has him feeling this way. Ask him if he can think of other thoughts that could trigger other emotional responses other than nervousness, apprehension, fear or shame.
If you simply can’t deal with your own emotional reaction to someone who MATCHES YOUR STORY and is behaving in a way that triggers you, then it’s better than you figure your own securities (your stories) out first. For you’re not doing anyone any favors creating drama. You’re especially not helping yourself.
Your freedom as a transgender woman is fortified when you can accept that the men who are interested in you are just as deserving of respect for their transition as you are of yours. There are no tranny chasers. There are only men who are interested – often romantically – in people like you.
A speculation borne of personal experience, which is being verified as accurate in my own life experience.
**Trigger concepts in this post. If you’re easily triggered about certain transgender topics, you might want to read 
Let’s presume you’re a transperson, trans attracted person or a sympathizer or ‘ally’. Why on earth would you willingly choose to be born as something seen by the mainstream as such an affront that the chances of you being killed (in the case of a trans person) or at least ridiculed (in the other cases)?
